Monday, November 29, 2010

WikiLeaks? Depends!

WikiLeaks, a website dedicated to obtaining and disseminating government secrets, has become a real problem and I have come up with a solution. Use Depends. Grandfather had the same problem and grandma too, so they just used Depends and the problem was resolved. I can still hear my grandfather saying "You know you have a real problem when your WikiLeaks!"

Leslie Nielson, actor and comedian, died Sunday, Nov. 28, 2010, at a hospital near his home in Florida where he was being treated for pneumonia. Nielson was well known for his comedic roles in "Airplane" and the "Police Squad" series. He was 84 years old. Rest In peace Mr. Nielson.

The News As I See It: The White House is working on a new terror alert system. Instead of colors it's going to tell how "handsie" the TSA agents are going to be. Yellow stands for cop a feel. Orange stands for gentle junk swipe, and red stands for full-on sextickle.

The Pope said in an interview recently that the use of condoms is acceptable under certain circumstances. For instance, if you're dating someone from the cast of "Jersey Shore."

People lined up for days to see the new "Harry Potter" movie. The movie is called "Harry Potter and the Long Line of Single People." It's kind of nice seeing a long line these days where nobody is getting their junk touched.

This Date In History: 1924; Italian composer Giacomo Puccini died in Brussels before he could complete his opera "Turandot." 1929; Commander Richard E. Byrd and a crew of three became the first to fly over the South Pole. 1947; The United Nations voted to grant the Jewish people a homeland to be established in Palestine.

1963; The Beatles released I Want to Hold Your Hand in Great Britain. 1963; President Johnson named a commission headed by Earl Warren to investigate the assassination of President Kennedy. 1986; Actor Cary Grant died in Davenport, Iowa, at age 82. 2001; Beatle George Harrison died of cancer.

Picture Of The Day: Without a doubt, Leslie Nielson's roles in "Airplane" and "The Naked Gun" were hysterical and surely, he will be missed!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) !klat kcab ruoy dna uoy nmaD 2) If your doctor's prescription doesn't stop the kleptomania, try and get me a nice video camera for Christmas. 3) Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead. 4) Outside of the killings and robberies, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. 5) "Sarchasm" is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it......and that's five !

Birthdays: Louisa May Alcott, American author 1832, Ambrose Fleming, inventor of the diode 1849, William V. S. Tubman, president of Liberia 1895, C.S. Lewis, author 1898, Madeleine L'Engle, author 1918, Jacques Chirac, political leader 1932, Yuan T. Lee, chemist 1936, Diane Ladd, actress 1942, Joel Coen, filmmaker 1954, Don Cheadle,actor 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A 2009 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Of course, your mileage may vary.....

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem."

He continued, "Now, I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand." The second drunk, "So, what's your point?" The first drunk replies, "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

A drunk sits down at the bar and the bartender says, "What'll you have?" The drunk answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be six dollars." The drunk says "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer sitting nearby says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the drunk, "Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don't come in here again."

The next day, same drunk walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The drunk says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." The drunk replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." The drunk says, "Tits!"

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" The man says, "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" The policeman said, "No, you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly broad in the passenger seat that gave you away."

That's it for today my little cupcakes. Remember, outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving Day Adventures

My Thanksgiving Day adventures took me to the home of my pals, Victor and Karen and for the first time, I had fried turkey. I've never seen the turkey actually being fried before and it was a sight to see. All of the foods were baked, cooked and otherwise prepared from scratch and I took full advantage of some of the dishes that are rarely seen except for the holidays.

I didn't know the majority of the people that were there, but I make friends fairly fast and they were all delightful. I did get to see Victor's younger sister, Carmen, who I haven't seen in years. Additionally, there were a few cute happenings which were funny.

One of the women there was pregnant and she is due in a week. She walked over to the bar that separates the kitchen from the family room and she actually lifted her belly and casually put it on the bar. I didn't believe my eyes and couldn't help but laugh. She laughed as well and quipped, "I know it looks funny but it takes a load off of my back." I could only imagine....

Finally, after the delicious dinner, the husband of the pregnant woman was sitting in the recliner, holding his small puppy of about twelve weeks. As I was chatting with Victor, I turned to look towards the man and the puppy and they had both fallen asleep in the recliner. You know me.....I couldn't pass up the chance to take a picture.

It was a fine Thanksgiving dinner indeed and I had a lot of fun. My thanks to Victor and Karen for all of their hard work and preparations. My hopes are that all of my pals and readers had a great Thanksgiving and now it's on to the Christmas holidays and parties.

The News As I See It: Today is Black Friday or as the politically correct might say, African American Friday. I appreciate the fact that people. especially the ladies enjoy this event very much. I'm aware of the fact that one can find some great sales and that it also helps the people of lesser means with their Christmas shopping. That said, those that camp out at the stores the night before the sale and rush through the doors like stampeding cattle have a few loose screws!

Nancy Pelosi will no longer be able to use government jets once this Congressional lame duck session is over. This means she'll have to fly the public airlines like the rest of us. I wonder who's going to draw the short straw to have to pat her down? I'd pay to see that dog and pony show!

This Date In History: 1789; The first national Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. was proclaimed by President George Washington. 1922; Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon became the first to enter the tomb of King Tutankhamen (Tut) since it was sealed in 1323 B.C. 1940; The Nazis began to force Warsaw's Jews to live in a walled ghetto. 1950; China entered the Korean War.

1975; Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, a follower of Charles Manson, was found guilty of trying to assassinate President Ford. 1998; Tony Blair became the first British prime minister to speak to the Irish parliament. 2000; Katherine Harris certified George W. Bush the winner in Florida's presidential balloting.

Picture Of The Day: Although most turkeys went above and beyond the call of duty and gallantly gave their lives, a few of the more clever fowl found unique ways to avoid the guillotine.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Have you ever wondered what the people in China call their good plates? 2) Do you know what they call four illegal aliens who step in quicksand in Arizona? Quatro sinko ! 3) What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? 4) Crazy people go through the forest by taking take the psycho path. 5) To be happy and successful in life you have to stay on your toes like a midget at a urinal.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Harvard, founder of Harvard College 1607, Sarah Moore Grimke, abolitionist 1792, Mary Edwards Walker, surgeon and feminist 1832, Katharine Drexel, Roman Catholic nun and saint 1858, Willis Carrier, air conditioning pioneer 1876, Norbert Wiener, mathematician and educator 1894, Charles Schulz, cartoonist 1922, Robert Goulet, singer, actor 1933, Tina Turner, rhythm and blues singer 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

They no sooner get out of the store when she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an itchy pussy." The boy responds, "You'll have to point it out lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. The mother said, "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her." The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men."

She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?" The young girl answered, "No, mom. Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.

He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" The doctor said, "No, Ma'am, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami Beach and said, "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

He continued, "There is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

A frantic woman called her doctor and said, "Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!" The doctor replied, "Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system soon." The woman asked, "How will I be sure?" The doctor said, "Stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

That's it for today my little turkey sandwiches. Remember, first you pillage then you burn. I'm not too sure about AREA 51 for tonight. Thanksgiving effects haven't quite worn off yet. We'll see! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving !

They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a jack-o-lantern (that's a carved pumpkin for the hard of understanding) in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving to start with the Christmas stuff. The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house. Some of the questions the TSA asks border on the stupid. One worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone handled your bag?" The passenger said, "No, but she's right behind me." At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down."

The News As I See It: The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I’d be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.

Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them.

Former President Georgie "Dubya" Bush has published his memoirs, called "Decision Points." Bush was asked if he used a ghost writer and he said, "Nah, I stopped believing in those after I turned 12."

In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. Oh, wait! I’m sorry, that’s President O'Bummer.

This Date In History: 1642; Abel Tasman discovered Van Diemen's land, later renamed Tasmania. 1859; Darwin's Origin of Species was published. 1871; The National Rifle Association was incorporated. 1963; Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald, JFK's accused assassin, in the garage of Dallas police headquarters. 1971; D. B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Airlines flight with $200,000.

Picture Of The Day: Well, if you didn't guess that today's pictures were going to be of Thanksgiving, then I suggest you don't play the lottery this weekend.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's a good thing I'm not flying on Thanksgiving day. That's not a good day to be in my pants. 2) How do "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there? 3) You can have a great time with a bushel of apples and the doctor's wife. 4) One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. 5) Cellpilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their cell phone goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence......and that's five !

Birthdays: Baruch Spinoza, philosopher 1632, Junípero Serra, missionary 1713, Aleksandr Suvorov, field marshal 1729, Zachary Taylor, 12th President of the United States 1784, Frances Hodgson Burnett, author 1849, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, painter and lithographer 1864, American ragtime pianist and composer 1868, Simon van der Meer, physical engineer 1925, William F. Buckley, Jr., journalist and writer 1925.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

An old woman was preparing to bake pies and other foods the day before Thanksgiving. Next to her was her beloved parrot, Brutus. The parrot was fully grown and adored the woman but he had a bad habit of cursing. Since the old woman lived alone, she put with up with the affectionate bird's foul language.

As she baked her pies and foods, she told Brutus that he was to mind his manners because she had invited guests for tomorrow's Thanksgiving Day dinner. To her surprise, Brutus was quiet all day and his only words were affectionately directed to the old woman.

Early the next morning, the old woman began making her preparations and decorations for the Thanksgiving dinner. She had turned on the stove to preheat it when Brutus began to curse. She quickly admonished Brutus but to no avail. The more she yelled at Brutus, the more he cursed.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, the old woman put Brutus in the freezer next to the turkey, just for a few moments, to cool him off. She heard the bird squawk and kick and scream, then suddenly, there was quiet. The woman was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

Brutus calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness. I have just one question. May I ask what did the turkey did?"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

That's it for today my little drumsticks. Remember, no matter where you go...there you are! Happy Thanksgiving to all my pals and readers and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, November 22, 2010

TSA: Would You Like A Lapdance With That Patdown?

I'm fed up with the concept of "political correctness"! Air line passengers are being forced to run the invasive sexual gauntlet because the government doesn't have the balls to profile passengers who fit the description. What's next? If some bearded asshole puts explosives inside the obvious parts of the body, are we going to have to be examined by a proctologist or a gynecologist before flying?

Screw being politically correct! If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....guess what? It's probably a damned duck! Israel doesn't have this problem. They blatantly profile because their lives depend on it. It's time to call a spade a spade! If we're wrong, apologize and give the person a free trip. In the interim, quit holding the entire American flying public hostage for the actions of a few assholes!

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in a movie called "The Expendables." If you add Steven Segall, Chuck Norris and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to the cast, you would have a movie called "The World's Worst Actors Make Another Shitty Action Movie."

The News As I See It: President Obozo has a tough decision to make this week. Which turkey does he pardon — the thanksgiving one or Charlie Rangel? Obozo also said that GM’s comeback will become "a success story" of the recession. GM said it wants to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota’s brakes, Toyota’s steering, and Toyota’s accelerators.

Happy birthday to Vice President Joe O'Biden. President O'Bummer got him a gag gift. Not a funny gift, an actual gag. O'Bummer was so excited, he asked O'Biden to attend the party for him.

This month, in1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. Following the address, the rebuttal was given by John McCain. Lincoln’s speech that day was so successful that TBS offered him the 10 pm slot.

Police in San Diego are looking for a 78-year-old bank robber. How are you looking for someone and you know his exact age? Police have nicknamed the robber the "Geezer Bandit." They described him as "armed and flatulent." Victims of the Geezer Bandit’s last robbery say he threatened to tell them stories of his grandkids.

A group of economists unveiled a new plan to reduce the deficit by $6 trillion in the next 10 years. The first step of the plan is to look at all our spending over the past five years, determine what’s unnecessary . . . and then ask China for $6 trillion.

This Date In History: 1497; Portuguese explorer Vasco de Gama became the first navigator to sail around the Cape of Good Hope in his search for a sea route to India. 1718; Edward Teach, better known as Blackbeard the pirate, was killed off the east coast of North America.

1842; Mount St. Helens in Washington state erupted. Ash fallout reached as far as 48 mi away. 1906; "S-O-S" was adopted as a distress signal at the International Radio Telegraphic Convention in Berlin. 1943; President Franklin Roosevelt, British prime minister Winston Churchill, and Chinese leader Chiang Kai-shek met in Cairo to discuss measures for defeating Japan.

1963; President John F. Kennedy was assassinated while riding in a motorcade in Dallas. 1990; Margaret Thatcher announced her resignation as prime minister of the United Kingdom.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang is having a field day with with the TSA and deservedly so. Between the invasive body scans and ass grabbing, America seems to be rising up in protest each day. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm just happy for the fodder (and da mudder too.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For Sale: Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, hardly tickled. 2) For Sale: Six cows, never bred. Also one gay bull for sale. 3) For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britainica. Never read because wife already knows everything 4) For Sale: Nordic Track, hardly used, call 555-1234, ask for Chubby. 5) For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Cogito Eggo Sum: I think; therefore I am a waffle.

Birthdays: Abigail Adams, First Lady, writer 1744, Charles De Gaulle, general and statesman 1890, Hoagland Carmichael, songwriter 1899, Wiley Post, aviator 1899, Benjamin Britten, composer 1913, Rodney Dangerfield, comedian 1921, Geraldine Page, actress 1924, Jamie Lee Curtis, actress 1958, Mark Ruffalo, actor 1967, Boris Becker, tennis player 1967, Scarlett Johansson, actress 1984.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it, a genie flies out and grants him a wish. Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had accidentally backed his Range Rover over the Queen's favorite corgi and squashed it flat. He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset.

The genie examines the dog, which is splattered all over the drive, and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do, so he'd best bury the dog. After he buried the dog, Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Camilla Parker-Bowles beautiful, as the media was always poking fun at her looks. The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says "On second thought, dig up that f*cking dog again!"

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor." Again, there is a bright flash and.....both his legs fall off.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit.

The genie says, "Well, you know how it works. You have three wishes." The man says, "I'm not falling for this. I'm not going to trust an IRS agent." The genie says, "You might as well it looks like your a goner anyway." The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

The man says, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." Poof ! The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. The genie says, "OK, kid, what's your second wish?"

The man says, "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." Poof ! The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. The genie says, "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." Poof ! He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. She said, "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" The genie says, "No, you have been very bad recently, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

Monica says, "Let's see. I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. I don't need money, because since I wrote my book, and did all my interviews, I have all the money I could ever want."

She exclaimed, "I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed." Poof! And just like that, her ears were gone.

That's it for today my little peacocks. Remember, beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 19, 2010

TSA: Was It Good For You Too?

If theTransportation Security Administration (TSA) is going to insist upon scanning our bodies and feeling us up...I mean, patting us down, they should at least make it a bit more enjoyable. What the hell, how about dimming the lights, put on some soft music and pour me a Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks.

Honestly, with pickpockets disappearing in New York City and other areas, now, if you want someone to reach into your pants, you have to go to the airport. Charlie Sheen went through airport security and was patted down. After he was done, he said, "Do you take American Express?"

The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for.

Here's a simple solution to the controversy. Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into but, instead of X-raying them, when the door closes, it detonates any explosive device they have hidden on or in their body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

There would be no concern about racial profiling. The booth would eliminate long, expensive trials. So, if you're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an announcement over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight Number 72", you'll know what's up.

I get a kick out of the current protests that Bristol Palin is still on "Dancing With The Stars" due to political influence and reasons. The Internet has been abuzz in recent days about how Bristol, who has consistently landed at the bottom of the judges' leaderboard on "Dancing With the Stars," has been able to remain on the show. Some critics have suggested that voters, particularly supporters of her mother, have been voting in blocs and manipulating the system.

Uh......Duh! That's the way politicians have done it for years. Didn't anyone watch "American Idol", I mean, the 2008 presidential election? Obama got over 90% of the Black vote. It's not a matter of talent. It's always been who lies the best and can influence the most idiots.

The News As I See It: Nancy Pelosi has now been elected the new House minority leader. She was smiling from ear to ear, which is pretty impressive considering how far her ears have been pulled back.

Sunday night was the debut of the reality show, "Sarah Palin’s Alaska." It got huge ratings. Even people over in Russia were watching and they didn't need TVs. They could see it from their porch. The new Oxford dictionary declared Palin’s made-up word "refudiate", the 2010 word of the year. When asked for her reaction to the dubious honor, Palin said she would not "dignitate" it with a response.

Rep. Charles Rangel was found guilty by the ethics committee and they could expel him, but experts say that is not likely. That would set a bad precedent in Washington, punishing the guilty.

Former President Georgie "Dubya" Bush's new memoir has already sold 800,000 copies. In other news, the new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books.

This Date In History: 1703; A masked man held prisoner in the Bastille in Paris died. His true identity was the cause of much intrigue, and his story became the basis of literary works by François Voltaire and Alexandre Dumas. 1794;
John Jay and Lord Grenville signed Jay's Treat.

1863; Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address at the dedication of the national cemetery on the Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg, Pa. 1977; Egyptian president Anwar Sadat became the first Arab leader to visit Israel.

1985; Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev met for the first time in Geneva. 1990; Milli Vanilli's Grammy award was rescinded after it was discovered they didn't do their own singing.

Picture Of The Day: My answer to avoiding body scans and the pat down is "Fly Naked Airlines." There would be three sections, all with the same amenities. Young, Middle Age and Old sections. Age before beauty, the old timers sit up front and the younger people in the rear. The middle age people get to sit in the middle of the plane to be able to look back to see what they missed and look ahead to see what they can look forward to. Me? I'm taking the train......gross!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter. 2) She likes to be a bitch so much that it pisses her off when her period ends. 3) Goodbye, and thanks for the radio, said Tom with a short wave. 4) April showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims. 5) Copywight 2010 Elmer Fudd. All Wights Wesewved......and that's five !

Birthdays: George Clark, American Revolutionary General 1752, James A. Garfield, 20th American President 1831, Billy Sunday, evangelist 1862, Indira Gandhi, political leader 1917, Larry King, TV personality 1933, Yuan T. Lee, chemist 1936,

Ted Turner, business executive 1938, Calvin Klein, fashion designer 1942, Eileen Collins, astronaut 1956, Allison Janney, actor 1960, Meg Ryan, actress 1961, Jodie Foster, actress 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Three mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters. The brunette said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes. I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead said, "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor. I can't believe my daughter drinks." The blonde said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms. I can't believe my daughter has a penis."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda and Skip for their contributions to today's stories.

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." Once again St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him and hung him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." But the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

That's it for today my little Dixie cups. Remember, think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for fish. I'm going to Happy Hour in AREA 51 (after I check my pockets). Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Apple To Apple - William and Kate - Yahtzee!

Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement and will be married at St. Paul’s Cathedral, where every royal wedding has been held for the last 100 years. Either that or they’ll get married in Acapulco. Britain hasn’t been this excited about the prospect for a new queen since Elton John. No date has been set for the divorce.

Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-N.Y.) has finally been found guilty of 11 counts of violating House rules "by clear and convincing evidence," Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-Calif.), the chair of the House ethics committee, announced Tuesday. It wasn’t easy. They had to go way outside Washington to find anyone that knew anything about ethics.

Rangel faced charges stemming from a 21-month investigation into accusations that he failed to pay rent-related taxes on his villa in the Dominican Republic; that he used a rent-controlled apartment in New York for campaign activities; and that he used congressional stationary to raise funds for a center at New York's City University to be built in his name.

As per Congress' typical way of "taking care of their own", I doubt that anything remotely resembling punishment (which could range from reprimand to censure to expulsion) will occur. Of course, if he was the average Joe Citizen, he'd be hanged next week.

Today's Hot Button: Here's a thought: Quit running Americans through the pre-flight sex gauntlet and start profiling! We all know who we're looking for. Just politely pull their ass to the side and feel them up!

The News As I See It: It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they’re going through your underwear while you’re wearing it. To make things worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee.

Bernie Madoff's possessions have been auctioned off to help repay his investors for their losses. Bernie was upset that his wife's engagement ring sold for $550,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Leroy.

Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana. Arizona is now the 15th state where you can pretend to have glaucoma.

It's been a rough week for President Obozo. He’s got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It’s going to be a fowl week.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska got huge ratings for its premiere. Word has it that the show has been the inspiration for a new show called "John McCain’s Mesopotamia." Palin's word "refudiate" has been declared to be the 2010 Word of the Year by the new Oxford Dictionary. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to "dismangle" the English language.

This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time. 1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt. 1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France.

1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl:" NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets. 1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook."

1989 The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia. 2003; Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor of California.

Picture Of The Day: So you say you've got Jehovah's Witnesses ringing your doorbell morning, noon and night? Try the new handy dandy "Moose's Ass" doorbell. Should they persist and ring it anyway, remember not to shake hands.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) NASA has just completed work on a new rocket, nicknamed "Civil Servant." It won't work and they can't fire it. 2) One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. 3) Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one? 4) Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam. 5) Researchers have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% "Fix a Flat".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner, physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny De Vito, actor, director, producer 1944, Lorne Michaels, TV producer 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Emmy Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. The operator asked, "Where do you live?" Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Two good old boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Billy Bob goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms. The druggist says, "What kind do you want?" Billy Bob tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers." The druggist says, "Listen, do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?" Billy Bob replies, "No, but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"

A guy walks into a bar down in Louisiana and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia." The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? What the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. The farmer asked, "Is yer pa home?" The boy replied, "No sir, he sure ain't, he went to town." The farmer said, "Is yer ma home?" The boy replied, "No sir, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."

The farmer asked, "Well, then, how about yer brother, Jack, is he here?" The boy said, "No sir, he went with pa and ma." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. The young boy politely asked, "Is there anything I can do fer ya? I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Would you like to leave a message fer pa?"

The farmer uncomfortably asked, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Jack getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment and said, "You would have to talk to pa about that. I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Jack."

That's it for today my little collie flowers. Remember, follow your dream, unless it's the one where your naked at work during a fire drill. Hump Day....Happy Hour in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !