Monday, December 30, 2013

Michelle Has "Had Enough" - May Divorce "The Chosen One."

Michelle Obama has "had enough" and may divorce Barry. The marital bond between Obama and Michelle doesn’t seem as strong as the two portray it to be. In an effort to look as family oriented and honorable as possible the couple has worn a facade for quite some time. It appears as if the two, or at least Michelle, are gearing up to part ways - after the President’s second term is up of course.

There are a lot of eyes on Obama, so every move he makes is highly scrutinized, analyzed, and often speculated on. One thing is clear however, and that as he continues his rein in office, the true love and affection he has for his wife, may actually be non-existent.

There is much speculation around Obama and how he miraculously surrounds himself with "relevant" and "necessary" people of the female variety. Often in the company of women such as Vera Baker, and Kerry Washington, it appears as if Michelle has been desperately fighting for the attention of her spouse. As his relationships continue to grow, there has always been some form—albeit weak at times—explanation why Obama was in the company of these women.

But his newest stunt where he acted like a pubescent school boy openly flirting with Helle Thorning-Schmidt at the Mandela memorial, has not only the American public speaking out against Obama, but his wife as well.

Now even though, David Cameron claimed that the pictures of Michelle’s disgust and her changing seats with her husband were deceiving at the Mandela memorial, it turns out this may not be the case.

After coming home, and in a respectable fashion as not to embarrass Obie, she let loose on the man she now seems to loathe. According to the Enquirer’s White House insider:

Michelle is mad as hell. She feels violated in front of the whole world, and screamed at him, "I’ve had enough!" She’s met with divorce lawyers and told Barry that she wants a life apart from him. Mi­chelle will stay in the White House for the rest of his term for appearances’ sake, but she made it clear they’ll be leading separate lives.

She’s moving into one of the va­cant bedrooms in the family’s private living quarters, and she’s preparing to move his clothes and personal things out of their million-dollar house in Chicago.

Behind the scenes, his advisers chewed him out, saying the photo­graphic images of his frat-boy hijinks will haunt him forever. On top of that, women voters have bombarded the White House with letters, phone calls and emails ex­pressing sympathy for the first lady and anger at Obama.

Even Obama’s top female advisers and friends like Valerie Jarrett were disappointed with him. Rather than unloading on him in South Africa, where their privacy was not guaranteed, or on Air Force One among other high-ranking dig­nitaries, including George and Laura Bush and Hillary Clinton, Michelle reserved her fury until they were back in their private quarters in the White House.

Then she went ballistic behind closed doors. Obama has humiliated Mi­chelle before, but this incident was played out on the world stage. Practically everybody on the planet saw what he did and realized that Barry has absolutely no respect for his wife.

Now that he has embarrassed Michelle in front of the world, he’s going to pay a big, big price. Michelle has said she wants a huge chunk of his net worth. This divorce is going to cost him a fortune.”

It appears now that everyone in the country is fed up with Obama. The quiet mutterings of divorce are in the air—conveniently after Obama’s presidency of course—and the two are looking to part ways.

On A Sad Note - I'm sorry to hear the Andy Granatelli, "Mr. 500", has passed away at the age of 90. I can still see him in Victory Lane at the Indianapolis 500 kissing Mario Andretti after Mario won the race. Rest in peace Mr. Granatelli.

The News As I See It: Phil Robertson, one of the stars of Duck Dynasty was suspended (hence re-instated) from the show after he criticised gays. Then he went on to criticise adulterers, drunks and swindlers and now Obama and the entire Congress is mad at them.

This Date In History: 1853; The United States bought some 45,000 square miles of land from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase. 1911; Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China.

1922; The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was established through the confederation of Russia, Byelorussia, Ukraine, and Transcaucasian Federation. 1940; California's first freeway opened.

1972; President Nixon halted the heavy bombing on North Vietnam. 1993; Israel and the Vatican signed an agreement of mutual recognition to put an end to Jewish-Christian hostilities.

Picture Of The Day: You be the judge. Is Michelle pissed or what?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. "This food tastes bland. Let's see if I can improve it by adding some rocks." 2) Stewardess: "Secure your mask before helping your kids. If you have more than one, pick the one with the highest earning potential first." 3) My girlfriend really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her, although I probably should have specified "with me." 4) (Witness): I saw the defendant stabbing the victim. (Lawyer): Objection! Witness is ugly! (Judge): Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement. 5) My buddy's gitlfriend told me she got her hair trimmed for $80. I told her my dog groomer would've bathed her, clipped her nails and emptied her anal glands for less.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - December 30th: The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days. Most of this sentence comes direct from the spirits that guide me through your horoscopes. Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is fair game today.

Birthdays: My friend, Crystal - Happy Birthday Sweetie! 19XX, Titus, Roman emperor 39, John Milne, seismologist 1850, Rudyard Kipling, British author 1865, Alfred E. Smith, political leader 1873, Paul Bowles, writer and composer 1910, Jack Lord, actor 1920, Bo Diddley, singer, guitarist, and songwriter 1928, Sandy Koufax, baseball pitcher 1935, Jeff Lynne, singer and songwriter, music producer 1947, Tracey Ullman, comedian, actor, singer 1959, Bennett Miller, filmmaker 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.

They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think you ought to pet him first."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look toward sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." Tonto says, "What that tell you?" The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute.

Then, the Lone Range says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

The Lone Ranger asks, "What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto replies, "You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone steal tent."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax and......Oh My God !!" Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled, "For the luvva should see the back of mine!"

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

That's it for today, my little sun flowers. Remember, the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions.

More on New Year's Day (hopefully....).

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 27, 2013

A&E Backs Down - Duck Dynasty To Resume Filming

A&E announced today that the hit TV show "Duck Dynasty" will resume filming with Phil Robertson. This comes after A&E suspended him earlier in the month for his comments about homosexuality.

“Duck Dynasty” is the top-rated reality program on cable, according to the Hollywood Reporter, with an average 13.4 million viewers and a marketing franchise in such outlets as Walmart, Sears and Cracker Barrel restaurants.

A&E's "holier than thou" attitude may have caused them to step on their own purse strings as I, nor anyone I know, has ever even watched any A&E shows.

Nevertheless, it seems that after seeing the tremendous loss of potential income on the horizon, A&E may have had cause to "reconsider" their position on being politically correct and chosen the money.

Personally, I have never seen "Duck Dynasty", but with all the smut and innuendos on television today, Robertson's personal religious views and opinions, albeit coarse, are his right under the freedom of speech amendment.

More than 250000 people have signed a petition to A&E demanding that Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson be reinstated on the hit show.

The News As I See It: According to CNN, 200,000 Americans are signed up for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians.

Defending the budget deal, Congressman Paul Ryan quoted the Rolling Stones and said, "You can't always get what you want." When it comes to Congress, here's a better Stones quote: "Can't get no satisfaction."

Obamacare is still struggling to catch on with most people. Now the White House has started asking celebrities to endorse Obamacare. Well, if anyone knows how to put a new face on something, it's Hollywood.

This Date In History: 1831; Darwin began his voyage aboard the HMS Beagle. 1900; Prohibitionist Carry Nation smashed her first saloon. 1932; Radio City Music Hall in New York City opened. 1945; The World Bank was created with an agreement signed by 28 nations.

1949; The Netherlands transferred sovereignty to Indonesia after more than 300 years of Dutch rule. 1979; The Soviet Union took control of Afghanistan, installing Afghan politician Babrak Karmal as president.

1996; Rwanda's first genocide trial opened for the 1994 slaughter of 800,000 Tutsis. 2001; President Bush permanently normalized trade relations with China. 2001; The U.S. announced plans to hold Taliban and al-Qaeda prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: A visual reminder that our priorities need to be severely repositioned.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in bar fight. 2) If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. 3) I wonder what kind of paperwork would I need to fill out to get a permit to set my neighbor's children free in the wild? 4) Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I've got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens. 5) (Indian warrior): Well, son, we named all the children after the first thing we saw after they were conceived. But, why do you ask Two Dogs Screwing?".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - December 27th: That Nigerian bank that is holding your Nigerian email friend's money that he wants to split with you was hit by the Target scandal. The question is who screwed whom? 

Birthdays: My friends Laurie and Paul - Happy Birthday 19XX, Johannes Kepler, astronomer 1571, Sir George Cayley, scientist and aerial navigator 1773, Louis Pasteur, French Chemist 1822, Sydney Greenstreet, actor 1879, Marlene Dietrich, actress 1901, Gerard Depardieu, actor 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An American and a Russian were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." The American nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you get out of that hold?" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

 The trainer exclaimed, "So, that's what finished him off?" The American replied, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

Job Interview: Human Resources Manager, "What is your greatest weakness?" Older Man, "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager. "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Older Man. "I don't really give a shit what you think."

No rhyme or reason other than that I used to listen to "The Lone Ranger" on the radio and TV and my favorite horse was "Silver"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At the end of the 2013 tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of the local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" The CFO, "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

The auditor replied, "Oh", disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. He asked, "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast?" The CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him, replied,  "Ah yes, we save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

The auditor replied, "I see", thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. He went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" The CFO answered, "Here, too, we do not waste. What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic,but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents,the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."

The young man continued, "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "

The young man went on, "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "

That's it for today, my little goldfish. Remember, men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success. I'm going to ease on over to AREA 51 for happy hour and a little recreation.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas

Every year, each in it's own way, affects the lives of everyone. I am thankful for 2013 and for my family and friends everywhere. My fondest wishes and dreams are that everyone has a peaceful, healthy and safe Christmas and a Happy New Year. 2014 will hopefully be an even better year with peace on earth.

The News As I See It: Obama's approval rating is way down and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. Obama would have been better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare.

Obama said they've had some glitches with the ObamaCare website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise.

UPS will be delivering many packages late this year due to demand and weather. I'm sure this is heartbreaking news for those of you awaiting Aunt Bessie's fruit cake and Aunt Maude's comfort cozies. 

This Date In History: 1066; William the Conqueror was crowned King of England. 1776; George Washington crossed the Delaware River and surprised the Hessians. 1868; President Andrew Johnson granted an unconditional pardon to all persons involved in the Southern rebellion that resulted in the Civil War.

1926; Hirohito became emperor of Japan. 1977; British film actor, director, and producer Charlie Chaplin died in Switzerland at age 88. 1989; Former Romanian president Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife were executed. 1991; President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned following the disintegration of the Soviet Union.

Picture Of The Day: Christmas Kittens

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. 2) You know you were drunk on Christmas Eve when you realize you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees. 3) Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means. 4) The Origin of Eggnog: (Him): "I want to get drunk in public." (Her): "Me too but on pancake batter." (Him): "If only there was a way to solve both problems." 5) All I got for Christmas was a sweater. I would have preferred a moaner or a biter.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - December 25th: The best thing that today's horoscope holds for you is that you are born the same day as the baby Jesus. Combine this and a bit of Listerine to rid yourself from bad breath after today's Christmas dinner and you'll be in fine shape.

Birthdays: Clara Barton, American Red Cross founder 1821, Helena Rubinstein, cosmetics executive 1870, Maurice Utrillo, painter 1883, Conrad Hilton, hotel and business owner 1887, Robert L. Ripley, cartoonist 1893, Humphrey Bogart, actor 1899, Cab Calloway, band leader 1907, Jimmy Buffett, singer and musician 1946, Barbara Mandrell, country musician 1948, Sissy Spacek, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" The priest replied, "Of course. What may I do for you?"

The woman said, "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robe, perhaps?"

The priest said, "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." The woman said, "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" The priest replied, "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" The priest said, "I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and quickly walked there.

At the station, she asked the attendant to give her a quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The attendant told her that he only had one gas can and he just loaned it to someone else. She told the attendant that she was in a hurry and would look in her car to find something to hold the gas.

When she got back the the car, the only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold a quart of gas. She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendant filled it with gas.

The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car. Just as she started pouring, two drunks walked by. One of the drunks said to the other, "If that car starts, I'm converting to Catholicism forever!"

 A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The minister says, "Just a minute. That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" Saint Peter replies, "Up here, we work by results. While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

That's it for today, my tired little elves. Remember, one of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere. I'll have to invent an AREA 51 party somewhere. Every one's partying.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 23, 2013

Four Suspects Arrested In New Jersey Hijacking Murder

Four men have been charged with murder, conspiracy and other counts in the death of a man shot in front of his wife outside an upscale mall in northern New Jersey last weekend, authorities said Saturday.

The suspects were identified as 29-year-old Hanif Thompson, of Irvington; 31-year-old Karif Ford, of Newark; 32-year-old Basim Henry, of Newark; and 33-year-old Kevin Roberts, of Newark. They are accused in the December 15th carjacking and killing of Dustin Friedland outside The Mall at Short Hills.

The 30-year-old lawyer from Hoboken was shot in the head in the mall parking garage after being confronted by two carjackers, authorities said. The assailants drove off in his silver Range Rover, which was found the next morning in Newark, about 10 miles from Short Hills.

The four have been charged with murder, felony murder, carjacking, conspiracy, possession of a weapon and possession of a weapon for unlawful purpose. They were arrested between late Saturday and early Sunday. Three of them were taken into custody in New Jersey, and Henry was arrested in Easton, Pennsylvania.

The News As I See It: Personal formation on nearly 40 million Target customers was stolen this week by hackers. Target customers are outraged and the NSA is really impressed.

Are you all done with your Christmas shopping? I bought a lot more people gifts this year than I thought I did because I used my credit card at Target.

A new report says that members of Congress work harder than the average American. You know why? That's because thanks to Congress the average American is out of work.

A lot of people like to throw tinsel on their tree. The governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, likes to throw spaghetti on his tree.

This abandoned pit bull puppy was adopted by a kind mother cat

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia.

1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.

1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley.

1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed. 1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.

Picture Of The Day: This pic is my favorite of today's theme which, as you might imagine, is entitled "Puppies" (et al).....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say love is worth more than money, but I'm pretty sure my landlord is gonna want more than a hug. 2) Don't you just love it when you find out that your Ex got fat? 3) Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places: 1) - Walk slow 2) - Stop for no reason 3) - Repeat 4) Everybody's getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year. Related: Don't eat Oreos while you're licking envelopes. 5) I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - December 23rd: Love comes when you least expect it. 36 percent of all romances start in the bathroom. These two facts are linked and we point them out for your amusement and as something to look forward to. Every day is a winding road, they say. This is especially true today when you find your love walking down a winding road with you.

Birthdays: Brother Kirt, Happy Birthday bro! 19XX, Richard Arkwright, inventor 1732, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, James Duke, industrialist 1856, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Yousuf Karsh, photographer 1908, Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actress 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

Finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." The doctor said calmly, "No, he'll quiet down when he gets to the poisons."

An attractive young lady, who thought she was overweight, went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise and other things. Her final question to the dietitian sparked interest in him.

She asked,"How many calories are in sperm?" The dietitian asked, "Why?" She explained some of the things she liked to do.

After thinking a minute, he said,"I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"
....and this is the abandoned pit bull pup with his new adopted feline sibling....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" The man replied, "There's something wrong with my dick,"

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." He asked, "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you."

The receptionist said  "We do not use language like that here. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" The man said, "There's something wrong with my 'ear'". The receptionist nodded approvingly and asked, "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" The man replied, "I can't piss out of it."

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent.

She continued, "As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent,"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week, the lady goes back. She says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now when I pass gas, it's still silent, but it smells terrible." The doctor replied, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing......

That's it for today, my little lotus blossoms. Remember, they say all of this started because Eve ate an apple. Clearly, the book was altered. Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.

More on Christmas Day.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 20, 2013

What The Duck?

Phil Robertson, one of the stars of A&E's mega-hit series Duck Dynasty, was suspended indefinitely by the network for calling homosexuality "illogical," However, conservative political figures from Bobby Jindal to Ted Cruz to Sarah Palin have leapt to his defense, arguing that his right to free expression is being threatened.

Duck Dynasty is the most popular show on cable, making things like Mad Men or Breaking Bad or Girls look like flops by comparison. And yet lots of people have never even heard of it because they're out-of-touch coastal elites.

In statements that threaten the A&E reality hit’s wildly popular and uplifting brand of faith, family and hunting, the Robertson patriarch said: “Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong. Sin becomes fine. Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men."

Robertson then paraphrased Corinthians from the Bible: "Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right."

As usual, complaints poured in faster than a duck takes to water from homosexual groups such as G.L.A.A.D. and others. Evidently the gay and lesbian communities' credo of tolerance only works one way. As of this post, however, there have been no protests or comments from Donald Duck, nor his nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie.

A&E released this statement from Phil Robertson addressing the controversy: "I myself am a product of the 60s. I centered my life around sex, drugs and rock and roll until I hit rock bottom and accepted Jesus as my Savior. My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the Bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together. However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other."

Although Robertson's statement was crude, it still remains to be his right to free speech. All in all, this controversy has been bad for Robertson, A&E and the gay community, though admittedly, a pretty good day for ducks.
On another note, a same-sex couple of two male Mallards were observed on a nature reserve in Germany. Phil Robertson's feeling on gay ducks are yet unkown.

The News As I See It: Fox News host Megyn Kelly says she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus is white. However, she's standing by her statement that the Grinch who stole Christmas is definitely Jewish.

It looks like Hillary Clinton's going to run for President. The digital team behind both of Obama's campaigns is already preparing for the run. They're starting early because they've got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton's browser history.

An entrepreneur has made a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your laptop's camera. This new high-tech device is called a small piece of tape.

Obama has named a top former Microsoft executive to run and fix the Obamacare website. Hey, how about fixing Windows first?

The U.S. Post Office announced that 2013 is the busiest shipping year ever. 600 million packages were shipped so far and as many as 500,000 of those were actually delivered.

This Date In History: 1790; Samuel Slater built the nation's first cotton mill in Pawtucket, R.I. 1803; The United States purchased the Louisiana territory from France for $15 million. 1860; South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union.

1968; Author John Steinbeck died at age 66. 1989; The United States invaded Panama and installed a new government but failed to capture General Manuel Antonio Noriega. 1996; Astronomer Carl Sagan died at age 62.

Picture Of The Day: Family patriarch Phil Rpbertson at home on the bayous of Louisiana

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When asked to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance I said, "Maybe she went Black" and now I don't have to help the with homework any more. 2) I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night. 3) I find it amazing how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on Facebook. 4) When it comes to politics I'm an agnostic. I don't believe there's an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist. 5) It came to my attention one weekend night when I had been drinking that I would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius - December 20th: Your marital status may change this week, either due to some pre-planned marriage or possibly just a typing error on your Obamacare appliction. Either way, love is on the cards for you.

Birthdays: Thomas Graham, chemist 1805, Harvey Samuel Firestone, industrialist 1868, Branch Rickey, American baseball executive 1881, Hazel Hotchkiss Wightman, athlete 1886, Susanne K. Langer, philosopher 1895, Sidney Hook, philosopher 1902, Jenny Agutter, actrss 1952, JoJo actor, singer 1990.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

One of the ladies replies, "Certainly not! We purchased the car this afternoon." The cop says, "Well, why don't you start it up and drive out of here?" The other little old lady says, "We don't drive, and besides, we are waiting."

The cop asks, "What are you waiting for?" The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social session" with some old friends.

Well, this past Friday, I was out on a post-Thanksgiving evening with a few long-lost old friends. I had a few cocktails, followed by a handful of glasses of good vintage red wine. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over my limit.

That's when I decided to do what I have never done before. I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the highway but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from but I made $47.00 on the deal. It's in my garage now and I'm not sure what to do with it.

There were three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decided that they should stick a cork in the pig's ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in.

So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize.

Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them.

The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" The farmer replied, "Shit flying everywhere." The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started laughing.

The reporter asked, "What's so funny?" The farmer, hysterical with laughter, replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he was trying to stick the cork back in."

That's it for today, my little jungle belles. Remember, you know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !