Monday, March 30, 2015

My Gal Mona

Today, I thought I'd give you some insight on Mona Lisa; her likes and dislikes, how often she posts on Facebook and the way she really dresses when not sitting for Leonardo (no, not DiCaprio).

Okay, maybe not, but I have found some pictures that, for me, makes her more identifiable as a young woman. Meanwhile, here are the pertinent facts about the very well known young woman.

The Mona Lisa (Monna Lisa or La Gioconda in Italian; La Joconde in French) is a half-length portrait of a woman by the Italian artist Leonardo da Vinci, which has been acclaimed as "the best known, the most visited, the most written about, the most sung about, the most parodied work of art in the world".

The painting, thought to be a portrait of Lisa Gherardini, the wife of Francesco del Giocondo, is in oil on a white Lombardy poplar panel, and is believed to have been painted between 1503 and 1506, although Leonardo may have continued working on it as late as 1517.

It was acquired by King Francis I of France and is now the property of the French Republic, on permanent display at the Louvre Museum in Paris since 1797.

The ambiguity of the subject's expression, which is frequently described as enigmatic, the monumentality of the composition, the subtle modeling of forms and the atmospheric illusionism were novel qualities that have contributed to the continuing fascination and study of the work.

It's said that an attorney who represents himself has a fool for a client. It's reasonable to add that the attorney who does his own television commercials is usually an idiot and a cheap one at that.

The News As I See It: The White House confirmed that Obama will meet with Pope Francis during his visit in September. Some experts are wondering if they'll discuss their disagreement over contraception. Joe Biden said,"I didn't even know they were dating."

Yep, the Pope Francis will be at the White House in September. He'll have to listen to Obie's confessions for about an hour or so and then spend the rest of the day hearing confessions from Secret Service agents.

This Date In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War. 1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.

1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television.

1981; President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: The Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream. 2) I sleep better naked. Why doesn’t the flight attendant understand this? 3) I get out of awkward party conversations by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial. 4) If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. 5) I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - March 30th: Be grateful that you have a good network of friends and family. Even if you lose a few friends, you still have your family....except maybe Uncle Frank.

Birthdays: Maimonides, Jewish scholar 1135, Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh, post impressionist painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his legacy and mortality, goes to consult a well-known psychic about the date of his demise.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday." Obama asks nervously, "Which one?"

The psychic replied, "It doesn't matter. Whenever you die, it will become a Jewish holiday."

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"

She continued, "Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize and the blonde interrupts, yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Leonardo da Vinci

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Bobby, Butch and Wally for their contribution to today's stories.

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Indians. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!"

They put oil on his back, and a large Indian whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back and he can hardly move. The Indians haul the German away.

The chief says to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

The Indians ask the American, "What will you take on your back?" The American replies, "I'll take the Mexican."

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly. A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

The coroner asked, "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Vern answered, "Yes, sir, that's correct."

The coroner said, "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Vern asked, "Was it a Titleist 3?" The coroner said, "Yes, it was." Vern said, "That was my mulligan."

** It came to my attention when I had been drinking one night last weekend that I would really appreciate a light switch on the floor ** 

That's it for today, my little penguins. Remember, some people are like 5-year-olds. They shake heads in agreement, but you know by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, March 27, 2015

See 'Ya Harry

Sen. Harry Reid announced today that he will not seek re-election to another term. I'm sure that this has nothing to do with the fact that he has been linked to a new massive bribery case that has two state attorneys general arrested.

Reid is a shady operator. From changing the Senate rules which allowed him to increase the tax-raising power of the Senate Democratic majority, ties to shady lobbyists and numerous scandals in Nevada, it is little wonder how a guy on a relatively modest public servant salary has become obscenely wealthy.

Utah prosecutors filed criminal charges Tuesday against two former state attorneys general in a court filing that makes tantalizing references to a possible pay-to-play influence scheme involving U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

Utah County District Attorney Sim Gill charged former Attorneys General John Swallow and Mark Shurtleff with numerous felony state crimes, including bribery, acceptance of illegal gifts, evidence tampering and a “pattern of unlawful activity.”

The charges were expected for months, and both men were taken into custody. Mr. Shurtleff served for many years as Utah’s top law enforcement official before retiring in 2013 and was succeeded by Mr. Swallow, who resigned in controversy after just a year. Both are Republicans.

Gov. Gary Herbert said, "This is a sad day for Utah." No matter what happens with the two men in court, it has become "a black eye for our state."

Both Mr. Shurtleff and Mr. Swallow maintained their innocence, according to The Associated Press and other local news accounts. While the charges are major news in Utah, it was the mention of two senators — Mr. Reid, Nevada Democrat, and Sen. Orrin G. Hatch, Utah Republican — that could reach Washington’s corridors of power.

The documents detail efforts by a federally indicted Utah businessman, Jeremy Johnson, to secure meetings with Mr. Reid and Mr. Hatch, where Mr. Johnson hoped to enlist their help in fighting off an investigation by the Federal Trade Commission.

Via The Washington Times: It is difficult to be surprised by this. There is no reason why this man should have such a prominent role in American government. He represents everything wrong with our government, and there is no way the Founding Fathers would be pleased with what a miserable Majority Leader he is.

MSNBC Apologizes for Comment: Nothing Says ‘Let’s Go Kill Some Muslims’ Like Country Music. Jamilah Lemieux opened up the conversation with this remark: "Nothing says ‘Let’s go kill some Muslims’ like country music, fresh from Lynchburg, Virginia. Someone who obviously does not want to be a polarizing candidate, he wants to bring people together, I mean — really? That’s absurd."

A few segments later, MSNBC host Ari Melber apologized on-air: "We have a programming note. A few minutes ago on this show, a guest made a comment about country music. That comment was not appropriate, and we want to be clear this network does not condone it."

Jamilah Lemieux is a New York-based writer and social critic and the Senior Editor of If her first name and employer doesn't paint a picture of her intellect, I've posted a picture (above, left) to help you.

The News As I See It: Obama admitted that he doesn't get enough sleep. Doctors said he should find little tricks to doze off, like counting intruders jumping over the White House fence.

A man delivered a pizza to Pope Francis. Francis actually liked it more than the pizza he gets from his usual place.....Pope-a-John's. Despite being Pope for only a short time, Pope Francis is already being credited with a miracle. Apparently, he called AOL Time Warner Cable and got a representative right away. 

Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He says he wants to abolish the IRS. So far, he's been endorsed by Nicolas Cage, Wesley Snipes and Willie Nelson.

Obama and Hillary Clinton had lunch this week. Of course, Hillary had a private server.

Presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it. It's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.

NASA's Mars rover has just completed a marathon traveling 26.2 miles. And once again it was beaten by a Mars rover from Kenya.

In some good luck news, a man coming out of surgery has won $7 million on a lottery ticket that was tucked in his get-well card. After paying his hospital bills, he still had $900 left.

This Date In History: 1794; Congress authorizes the construction of six frigates, including the Constitution (Old Ironsides), for the U.S. Navy. 1866; President Andrew Johnson vetoed a civil rights bill which later became the 14th amendment. 1884; The first long-distance telephone call was made, between Boston and New York.

1917; The Seattle Metropolitans became the first U.S. hockey team to win the Stanley Cup. 1958; Nikita Khrushchev became Soviet premier and first secretary of the Communist Party. 1964; A 9.2 magnitude earthquake hit 80 miles east of Anchorage, Alaska, killing 117 and producing a 50-foot tsunami that traveled over 8,000 miles.

1977; Pan American and KLM Boeing 747s collided on a runway in Santa Cruz de Tenerife, Canary Islands. The 542 people killed is the highest ever for an aviation disaster. 2001; A federal judge ruled that the University of Michigan’s affirmative action policy was invalid, a ruling that later would be reversed in an appeal.

Picture Of The Day: The whole fam-damly of liars and thieves.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Stewardess: "Secure your mask before helping your kids. If you have more than one, pick the one with the highest earning potential first." 2) Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I've got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens. 5 3) (Witness): I saw the defendant stabbing the victim. (Lawyer): Objection! Witness is ugly! (Judge): Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement. 4) I wonder what kind of paperwork I would need to fill out to get a permit to set my neighbor's children free in the wild?  5) Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - March 27th: Your brain is overflowing with truly brilliant ideas. Focus on making your dreams a reality. The future holds many wonderful things, however, many of them exclude you in their plans. A romantic hotel break may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Bring someone with you this time.....

Birthdays: Nathaniel Currier, lithographer 1813, Wilhelm Conrad Roentgen, physicist 1845, Ludwig Mies van der Rohe, architect 1886, Louis Simpson, poet 1923, Sarah Vaughan, singer 1924, Michael York, actor 1942, Quentin Tarantino, filmmaker 1963, Mariah Carey, singer 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said to her husband, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The husband thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

Maude's husband, Murray, died suddenly one day. Maude was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Murray's obituary to read.

Maude asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Maude said, "I want the obituary to read - Murray Is Dead."

The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Murray's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Murray so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."

Maude's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - "Murray Is Dead, Boat For Sale'."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "Okay! You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. The supports would never reach the bottom of the Pacific. No, think of another wish."

The man said okay and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, the man said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. To know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment and why they're crying. I want to know what they really want when they say 'nothing', how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it, a genie flies out and grants him a wish. Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had reversed his Range Rover over the Queen's favourite corgi and squashed it flat.

He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset. The genie examines the dog which is splattered all over the drive and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do so he'd best chuck the dog in the garbage.

Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Camilla Parker-Bowles beautiful as the media were always making fun of her looks. The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says, "On second thought, get that f*cking dog out of the garbage again!"

That's it for today, my little squeaky toys. Remember, God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Sgt Bowe Bergdahl Charged With Desertion

Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, who was captured by the Taliban after abandoning his post in Afghanistan and then freed five years later in a bonehead Obama trade for five Guantanamo detainees, was charged today with desertion.

The development comes 10 months after his May 2014 release -- which initially was a joyous occasion, with his parents joining President Obama in celebrating the news in the Rose Garden.

Bob Bergdahl, who had studied Islam during his son's captivity, appeared with a full beard and read a Muslim prayer, while Bergdahl's mother Jani embraced the president.

But that euphoria quickly gave way to controversy in Washington as Bergdahl was accused of walking away from his post and putting his fellow soldiers in danger. The trade of hardened Taliban fighters for his freedom raised deep concerns on Capitol Hill that the administration struck an unbalanced and possibly illegal deal.

Military officials said Bergdahl will face in a court martial on one count of "desertion with intent to shirk important or hazardous duty," which carries a maximum of five years in prison, as well as one count of "misbehavior before the enemy, endangering the safety of a command, unit or place," which carries a maximum sentence of up to life in prison.

The charges could result in a dishonorable discharge, as well as a rank reduction and benefit removal if convicted. The case now goes to the military equivalent of a grand jury, an Article 32 hearing. If the panel approves of the charges, it will be referred to a court-martial trial.

Obama's national security adviser Susan Rice on Bergdahl: "Bowe Bergdahl served the United States with honor and distinction and he wasn't simply a hostage; he was an American prisoner of war captured on the battlefield. Certainly anybody who's been held in those conditions, in captivity for five years, has paid an extraordinary price. But that is really not the point. The point is that he's back,”

Rice told ABC host George Stephanopoulos when asked whether Bergdahl was a deserter and whether he'd face punishment. “He is going to be safely reunited with his family. He served the United States with honor and distinction. And we’ll have the opportunity eventually to learn what has transpired in the past years, but what's most important now is his health and well being, that he have the opportunity to recover in peace and security and be reunited with his family. Which is why this is such a joyous day.” (and she wonders why everyone thinks she's an asshole).

The News As I See It: Starbucks is discontinuing its "Race Together" initiative where baristas were asked to discuss race relations with customers. Apparently, there aren’t many combinations worse than "racial discussions" and "hot liquids."

Chelsea Clinton was on the Jimmy Kimmel show this week. She was there to promote the "Serve a Year" campaign. A lot of celebrities do this. They serve a year, sometimes less with good behavior.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he's running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, "I'm gonna run anyway."

UCLA will play Gonzaga in the NCAA tournament. Gonzaga comes from the land of imaginary schools that only exist during March Madness.

This Date In History: 1634; Maryland was founded by settlers sent by the late Lord Baltimore. 1894; Jacob Sechler Coxey and his "army" of unemployed men began their march from Ohio to Washington, DC.

1911; A fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Co. in New York City killed 145 workers. 1931; The Scottsboro boys were arrested in Alabama. 1934; Horton Smith won the first Masters golf tournament at Augusta National in Georgia.

1957; The European Economic Community was established by the Treaty of Rome. 1965; The Alabama Freedom March, led by Martin Luther King Jr., ended its journey from Selma on the steps of the State Capitol in Montgomery, Alabama.

1975; King Faisal of Saudi Arabia was shot and killed by his nephew. 1994; U.S. troops withdrew from Somalia,

Picture Of The Day: Ten month's ago, Obama basks in the limelight of his great "accomplishment" in the freeing of Bowe Bergdahl. What say ye now, Obie?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Jehovah's witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes. 2) If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, Amen". 3) I met a girl at the bar who was so self absorbed, I'll bet she doesn't even need tampons. 4) India recently launched a rocket to Mars. That's a heck of a place to put a customer service call center. 5) I get high before I get my Drivers License picture taken. That way I look normal if I'm pulled over.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - March 25th: Sid may be a lucky name for you this week. Sid may be a fighter pilot and he may be able to hook you up with anyone you like because he's just "that" connected. I think the name is "Sid" I'm unsure. What rhymes with "Sid"?

Birthdays: Arturo Toscanini, conductor 1867, Bela Bartok, composer 1881, Howard Cosell, sports commentator 1920, Simone Signoret, actress 1921, Flannery O'Connor, author 1925, Gloria Steinem, journalist and feminist 1934, Aretha Franklin, singer 1942, Elton John, musician, singer, songwriter 1947, Sarah Jessica Parker, actress 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later, the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved and so was all mankind made."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood, knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." The man said, "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

The man said, "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." The priest asked, "And what is that, my son?" The man said, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Dorothy and Edna, two older widows, are talking. Dorothy says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna replied, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment dressed in a fine suit and he brings me beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there, but a limousine. He takes me out for a champagne and lobster dinner. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!"

Edna continued, "Then, we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy says, "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna answered "No, I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a Southern boy who was going into the 8th grade for the 3rd time.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu." The private school student went first.

About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.

The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the Southern boy top that?! The clock started again and the boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three girls in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

(Girlfriend): "I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching porn." (Me): "No, it was just women's tennis."

That's It for today, my little polliwogs. Remember, ain't no sunshine since she's gone....or sandwiches. Ain't no sandwiches either. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Monday, March 23, 2015

Race Together

After a mere seven days, Starbucks wrapped up its widely-mocked "Race Together" campaign that encouraged baristas to strike up conversations about racial issues with customers.

PBS anchor Gwen Ifill probably summed up the controversy best:

@gwenifill - Honest to God, if you start to engage me in a race conversation before I've had my morning coffee, it will not end well. 3:58 PM - 17 Mar 2015

Company spokeswoman Laurel Harper told the New York Times that the sudden end had nothing to do with the wave of criticism and ridicule the initiative met online and in the media.

But CEO Howard Schultz, who spearheaded the campaign and kicked it off on March 15 with an ad in the Times, acknowledged the negative reception in a memo on Sunday.

While I'm sure that Starbucks had good intentions, the idea of making a little money must have come up during the consideration of this idea. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Prince Charles visited Obama at the White House yesterday. They each had a good laugh and then shook ears.

It’s rumored that Obama recently purchased a house in Hawaii that was featured on the show “Magnum P.I.” Not to be outdone, Biden is moving into SpongeBob's Pineapple.

Amazon introduced its one-hour delivery service to parts of Miami yesterday. When asked what they want to get delivered so quickly, people in Miami said, “Are you a cop?"

This Date In History: 1775; Patrick Henry declared "Give me liberty, or give me death." 1806; Lewis and Clark began their return journey east. 1919; Benito Mussolini founded his own party in Italy, the Fasci di Combattimento.

1983; U.S. President Ronald Reagan proposed a space-based missile defense system called the Strategic Defense Initiative or "Star Wars."

1998; The motion picture epic "Titanic" won 11 Oscars at the 70th Academy Awards, tying it with "Ben-Hur" for the most ever. 2001; Russia's Mir space station ended its 15-year orbit of the Earth, splashing down in the South Pacific.

2003; A U.S. Army convoy was ambushed in Iraq with 11 killed and seven captured, including Pfc. Jessica Lynch. 2010; Obama signed a health-care overhaul bill, called the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, into law.

Picture Of The Day: Obama is having a hissy fit over the fact that BiBi Netenyahu was relected, especially after he sent his people and $350,000 to Israel to help BiBi's opposition.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Everybody values honesty until one of their friends have an ugly baby. 2) It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, "trophy wife" has become rather ambiguous. 3) Actually, the past tense is "hanged" as in "he hanged himself". Sorry about your husband, though. 4) If I'm ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 seconds, plug me back in and see if that works. 5) Good luck to the 15 year old girl who is pregnant and wrote "California" for ethnicity on her clinic forms.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - March 23rd: Your message today is "cryptic", which basically means that I made it up. You will get an important phone call today, but you won't be able to find a pen to write down the message. In the interim, you work on solving the cryptic message and I'll look for a pen.....

Birthdays: My pal Vegita - Happy Birthday 19XX, John Bartram, botanist 1699, Pierre Simon Laplace, astronomer and mathematician 1749, William Smith geologist 1769, Juan Gris artist 1888, Erich Fromm psychoanalyst and author 1900, Joan Crawford actress 1908, Wernher von Braun scientist 1912, Donald Malcolm Campbell automobile and boat racer 1921, Roger Bannister physician, athlete 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman said to her friend, "I just don't understand?! I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and guys just don't seem interested in me. I don't know what's wrong with me."

Her friend said, "I know a Chinese doctor that can help you." So, her friend gave her the doctor's address and the next day she went to see him.

She tells the doctor what her problem was and he proceeded to give her instructions. The Doctor says, "Take off your crows." The woman said, "What, what did you say?" The Doctor said, "take off your crows", motioning for her to take off her clothes.

The Doctor says "Ok, now craw to the window". The woman says, "What?" The Doctor repeats, "Craw to the window" he said as he got down on all fours to show her what he meant. So she crawled to the window. He says, "Now craw back to me," motioning her to come back.

The Doctor says, "Ah-ha! I know what your problem is. You have Ed Zachary disease." The woman says, "Ed Zachary disease, what's that?" The Doctor says "Your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass".

An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and takes a dump on the woman’s head. The old woman says, "Yech! Get some toilet paper."

The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

The other husband said, "That's nothing. Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, "From all of us at Fire Station 2. We'll never forget you....."

An American and a Russian were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." The American nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you get out of that hold?" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "So, that's what finished him off?" The American replied, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

That's it for today, my little love birds. Remember, a dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.

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More on Wednesday.

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