Monday, April 30, 2012

Injured Robbing A 7-11? You May Qualify For Compensation

It has been said that an attorney who represents himself has a fool for a client and a jackass for a lawyer. It therefore stands to reason that an attorney who does his own television commercials is either incompetent, cheap or greedy. If you're really unlucky, you hit the trifecta and your attorney qualifies for all three categories.

I've been in real estate since 1973 and I've known some very competent and talented attorneys. None of them have ever advertised on television. Moreover, most successful attorneys I know frown on attorneys who advertise.

Granted, it takes an investment of time and money to finish law school and pass the bar exam. But most wise attorneys go to work for larger firms and gain experience and maturity before venturing out on their own.

In the Miami- Fort Lauderdale area, there are five to ten attorneys who are constantly on television, at all hours of the day and night, advertising their law firms. I assume every city has the same number of attorneys doing the same thing. If an attorney is a bad actor on TV, just imagine how believable he'd be in court.

Personally, I wouldn't let any of these court jesters and ambulance chasers carry my groceries to the car, let alone represent me in court. I do hope that they make some money soon so I don't have to watch them on television.

The News As I See It: There's a new movement called "Drop the I-Word", the "I" referring to the word "Illegal" in "illegal immigrant." I wholeheartedly agree with the movement. They should be referred to as "undocumented democrats".

You can tell the economy is getting worse because ex-football coach Jimmy Johnson is back on TV again shilling for the male enhancement product Extenze. Like the typical whore that he is, I think it's fitting role for Coach Johnson because he always was a dick. Now, Joe Theisman is hawking Super Beta Prostate tablets. Both of these economical whores are well aware that neither of these products work and are not approved by the FDA. Can you spell "integrity"?

The NFL Draft is underway and generally, the higher a player is taken in the draft, the more money he ends up making. O.J. Simpson was picked first in his draft and he went on to make a killing.

According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. Really? Hey, so is asbestos and venereal disease.

A new study found that happiness is u-shaped. By that they mean you're happy when you're young, you're least happy in middle age and happiest again in retirement. You're least happy in middle age because that's when you realize you're never going to be able to afford to retire.

The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll her in anger management classes. They call it mad cow disease because PMS was already taken.

This Date In History: 1803; France sold Louisiana and adjoining lands to the United States as part of the Louisiana Purchase. 1812; Louisiana became the 18th state in the United States.

1939; U.S. commercial television made its official debut at the New York World’s Fair.The signal was transmitted from the Empire State Building. 1945; Adolf Hitler and his newly married mistress Eva Braun committed suicide.

1948; The Organization of American States held its first meeting in Bogotá, Colombia. 1975; The Vietnam War ended with South Vietnam's surrender to North Vietnam.

1991; Over 131,000 were killed and as many as 9 million left homeless when a cyclone struck Bangladesh. 2003; Libya accepted responsibility for the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland.

Picture Of The Day: Some of today's pictures are designed for use on Facebook's new Timeline fiasco, so feel free to copy anything you like. As an alternative, for those of you into politics and political statements, I give you the Secret Service-Colombian hooker Timeline photo.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Eric Holder, the U.S. Attorney General, has determined that Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms can be dangerous to your health and get away with it! 2) 99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name. 3) A family, attorney turned defense attorney, once told me that he preferred defending murderers. He said it was less depressing and as a rule he met nicer people. 4) I used to live in a gated community but my girlfriend always got out anyway. 5) Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 30th: You may not be pleased with today's experiences, but tomorrow will be great. Keep in mind that half the people in the world are below average. So hang loose pilgrim, tomorrow will be a better day. Chance of romance is 16.47 percent today increasing to 89.04 percent tomorrow.

Birthdays: Saint John Baptist de la Salle educator 1651, Franz Lehár, Hungarian composer of operettas 1870, John Crowe Ransom poet and critic 1888, Eve Arden, actress 1912, Cloris Leachman, actress 1926, Willie Nelson, country singer, songwriter 1933, Isiah Thomas basketball player 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled.

Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?" The new farmer replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far enough apart."

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. She asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To get my teeth!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex. Daisy suggested, "Maybe they sell them at the front desk."

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. The clerk said, "Yes, we do," and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" Donald yelled,  "Hey, what kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he mentioned that things were all done for him. He said, "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go."

His friend asked, "But how do you know when you are going to land?" He said "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground." His friend said, "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" He quickly answered, "The dog's leash goes slack."

That's it for today, my little lima beans. Remember, regular naps prevent old age - especially if you take them while driving. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 27, 2012

Sssshhhh !

I don't go to movie theaters anymore.....haven't gone in almost 25 years. It's not that I don't enjoy the theaters. It's that I cannot stomach idiots with cell phones that constantly ring and morons who aren't bright enough to know that the characters on screen can't hear them.

Back in the day, there were ushers with flashlights who were quick to shine their lights on people who used the seat in front of them to prop up their feet. Talking was limited to whispers and even then, the ushers were Johnny-on-the-spot to remind you that talking was frowned upon.

Further dating myself, admission was 15 cents and you could get a hot dog and a coke for one dollar. Popcorn was 15 cents and hot butter was 5 cents extra. The theaters were always clean and most people minded their manners. The few who didn't were quickly ejected.

Today's prices for admission and food require taking out a small loan. Combine that with the lack of decorum, constant talking and rude manners and you have a recipe for a very bad experience.

Additionally, the lack of quality movies and the advent of pay-per-view movies on cable encourage me to watch movies in the comfort of my own home. More importantly, at my house, the food is free and the consumption of Johnnie Walker Black scotch is highly encouraged.....

The News As I See It: I've been following the John Edwards trial. I don't know what kind of president he would have been but he would have gotten along great with the Secret Service.

The Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, "I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama."

Burger King announced that all their chickens and pigs will all be raised cage free. In response, chickens and pigs said, "That's cool. Now let's talk about the part where we get turned into sandwiches."

In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic presidents at Disney world.

A new concept to deal with the problem of illegal immigration at the U.S.-Mexican border is to allow all Mexicans to legally enter the United States. The only requirement would be that they would have to join the military. Subsequently, the United States would declare war on Mexico and invade the country. Problem solved !

This Date In History: 1521; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed in a fight with natives of the Philippines. 1805; The U.S. Marines captured Derna, on the shores of Tripoli. 1865; The worst steamship disaster in the history of the United States occurred when there was an explosion aboard the Sultana; more than 1,400 people were killed.

1956; Rocky Marciano retired as undefeated world heavyweight boxing champion. 1961; Sierra Leone gained independence from Great Britain. 1983; Pitcher Nolan Ryan surpassed Walter Johnson’s strikeout record held since 1927.

1987; Austrian president Kurt Waldheim was barred from entering the United States. He was accused of aiding in the execution of thousands of Jews in World War II. 1993; Eritrea (who?) declared itself independent.

Picture Of The Day: The pizza's here!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a very hectic day yesterday. I was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day. 2) If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. 3) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 4) The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. 5) My friend called me today and told me he was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, his savings and Social Security, he called the Suicide Lifeline. He got a call center in Pakistan and when he told them he felt suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if he could drive a truck.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 27th: Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. Today's journey begins with a cash advance and a positive attitude. Being polite and courteous will not help you to edge your car onto the freeway. Chance of romance is 62.59 percent but don't go for the obviously easy one. They've had so many blind dates, they should get a free seeing eye dog.

Birthdays: My sweet daughter Jeannette - Happy Birthday my love 19XX, My beautiful pal Cary - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, My talented pal Bobby and my friend Raymond. Happy Birthday all! 19XX, Mary Wollstone, craft author and feminist 1759, Samuel F. B. Morse inventor 1791, Ulysses S. Grant, 18th president of the United States 1822, C. Day Lewis author 1904, Coretta Scott King civil-rights leader 1927, August Wilson playwright 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An man is shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten long years. One day he sees a ship on the horizon and starts waving his arms until the ship heads for the shore The captain of the ship and the man began talking, "I thought I'd never get rescued." The captain asked, "How long have you been here?" The man replied, "Ten years."

The captain asked, "How have you coped with all that time alone?" The man answered, "Well I'm a very resourceful fellow. I built a house, learned to hunt and fish." The captain said, "But ten years without sex?" The man replied,  "Not completely. About six months ago I was down here on the shore when I noticed an ostrich with it's head in the sand. I crept up behind it and....."

The captain gasped, "Oh you poor man, that must have been horrible." The man replied, "Well it was fine for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would pull up her nightgown and say, "Supersex!" She walked up to an old man in a wheelchair. Flipping up her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!" The old man sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll have the soup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages on his body, went first. He said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "Brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. Then I began to read to my bear from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down a hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint.

He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

That's it for today, my little pea pickers. Remember, first you pillage, then you burn. AREA 51 is my destination this evening for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Happy Hour And Deviled Eggs?

I like happy hour and I like eating deviled eggs. What I need to remember is that you should not try to make deviled eggs after going to happy hour. This observation comes after returning home from happy hour and suddenly craving deviled eggs.

First and foremost, I really don't know how to make deviled eggs. I figured since I've eaten enough of them, I should be able to recreate the taste. That was my first error.

I ran into an old friend and was invited to happy hour for a drink. After an hour or so of great conversation and drinks, I came home to finish today's post. As I opened the front door, the thought of deviled eggs entered into my feeble little mind. I figured this should only take 30 minutes or so and I set to the task.

I put the eggs into the pan to boil and then searched the Internet for the recipe. I knew that I needed the hard boiled eggs, mayo and some mustard but I didn't know the other part of the recipe that gives the eggs that distinct flavor.

While searching unsuccessfully for a suitable recipe, I heard the pot rattling from the boiling water. After taking the boiled eggs out and immersing them in cold water, I began mixing mustard and mayo and then put in the egg yokes. I succeeded only in making an egg salad filling, which I spooned into the boiled egg whites.

The bottom line? I ended up eating a very unique version of egg salad accompanied by Johnny Walker Black on the rocks and a very late posting of Jimmy's Journal.

The News As I See It: It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA.

Political analysts say that Obama doesn't want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day....which explains why Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute.

A New Mexico company has petitioned the federal government to become the first U.S. business to offer horse meat for human consumption. You can get horse meat on the menu in some restaurants now. So if you're in Albuquerque, avoid the Philly Cheese Steak.

Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is "Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins."

The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.

Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal for college students votes. If that doesn't work, Obama's going to resort to his 2008 campaign slogan, "Free Ice Cream and Pizza in my dorm room."

Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible and if those Colombian hookers take Discover cards.

This Date In History: 1901; New York became the first state to require license plates on cars. 1915; British, Australian, and New Zealand forces landed at Gallipoli. 1928; The first seeing eye dog was presented to Morris S. Frank.

1945; Delegates met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations. 1953; The Francis Crick and James Watson article describing the double helix of DNA is published in the magazine Nature.

1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping. 1990; Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua. 1992; Islamic forces took over most of Kabul, Afghanistan after the Soviet-controlled government collapsed.

2003; The Georgia legislature voted to scrap the "Confederate flag" design from its state flag.

Picture Of The Day: That about says it all. Bill Maher is a hack comedian and an embarrassment to his parents.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was a kid, my dad quit taking me to the dump with him because we always came back with more than we took. 2) Fast food is not hitting a deer at 65 mph. 3) My grandmother was a tough old gal. At Christmas time she always had "Ammo" on her Christmas list. 4) My grandfather was hard of hearing and needed to read lips. I didn’t mind him reading lips, but he used one of those yellow highlighters. 5) It's lonely at the top, but you eat a lot better.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 25th: This day was made for you! Well, you and about 1 billion others but the thought is good. Watch out for midgets selling growth products, Your chance of romance is 51.27 percent with a slight chance of showers.

Birthdays: My pal LIsa - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Oliver Cromwell statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, American jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino actor 1940, Renee Zellweger actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken and he is walking with a limp. Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you?' Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight."

Sean says, "That little shit, O'Conner? He can't fight. He must of had something in his hand." Paddy says, "That he did. A shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it." Sean says, "Well, you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" Paddy replied, ''That I did. It was Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and says to the bartender, "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, spits it out on the bar and says, "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "This takes like piss!" The old drunk replies, "It is! Now guess how old I am."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" The other replied, "Really? Why did you switch?"

The first researcher said, "Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do.

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink."

The pirate came over and ordered rum. The man said, "Just out of curiosity, how did you lose your leg?" The pirate said, "Arrrgh! I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."

The man said, "That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" The pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."

The man said, "Wow, I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?" The pirate said, "A seagull shit in it!" The man said, "A seagull? Is seagull shit dangerous?!" The pirate replied,  "Nay, Matey, it was me first day with the hook....."

That's it for today, my little rum runners. Remember, recent studies indicate that Americans walk about 900 miles a year. Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, we get about 41 miles per gallon. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 23, 2012

There's Nothing Worse Than The Smell Of.....Collard Greens!

I love eating collard greens but there's a distinct aroma that rises when they're cooking. It smells like the whole family has gas and everyone went to the kitchen to relieve the pressure. I'm talking about a smell so bad that house flies cling to the inside of the screen door trying to get out.

I recall coming home from elementary school one day and when I walked into the house, the smell was overpowering. I asked my mother if she was cooking collard greens or if daddy was on the toilet. Nevertheless, as I've often heard, once you get past the smell, you've got it licked.

When mom cooked collard greens, it was usually served with black eyed peas and corn bread. Mom always cooked her cornbread is a black cast iron skillet and it was always good. Oddly enough, I can't think of any particular meat that was served with these dishes probably because I remember looking forward to the cornbread and collards.

Some chefs say that like other cruciferous vegetables, collard greens emit an unpleasant sulfur smell while cooking. I would like to correct that reasoning by simply stating that if left over collards greens are left out for a long period of time, your cat will take it's paw and cover them up......

The News As I See It: The JetBlue pilot who went coo-coo recently will plead that he was temporarily insane, which explains JetBlue's new slogan, "Don't worry. Our pilots are only temporarily insane."

Reporters in Colombia are digging up anything on the Secret Service prostitution scandal. There was a dispute in the hotel. The escort said they made an agreement the night before to pay her $800, which is a lot for an escort. For that, you could get a Ford Escort.

This Date In History: 1616; Playwright William Shakespeare died in Stratford-on-Avon, England. 1954; Hank Aaron hit the first of his 755 home runs. 1969; Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death (later reduced to a life sentence) for the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy.

1985; Coca-Cola announced that it was changing its formula and introduced New Coke. 1998; James Earl Ray, convicted of assassinating Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., died. 2004; The U.S. resumed diplomatic relations with Libya

Picture Of The Day: India has detonated underground nuclear explosives according to recent reports by the Indian government. Both AOL Customer Service and Seven Eleven Stores have expressed their displeasure over the incident claiming that these actions would severely hamper their source of employees.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I wanted to write a song called "Smelly Cat" but some blonde chick already published it. 2) When I was younger, my old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 3) Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 4) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter. 5) Pull up your pants and straighten your hat, you look like an asshole!.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 23rd: Things you did last week may come back to haunt you. Dark sunglasses and low profile are in order. Chance of romance is 13.61 percent and that's if you're lucky.

Birthdays: My old friend Pete, whereever you are, Happy Birhthday 19XX William Shakespeare, English dramatist and poet 1564, J.M.W. Turner painter 1775, James Buchanan President 1791, Max Planck physicist 1858, Sergei Prokofiev composer 1891, Ngaio Marsh detective story writer 1899, Shirley Temple Black actress, politician 1928.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the old man and his wife were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The old man thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

An old woman asked asked her aging husband whu he didn't do aomething useful with his time. She suggested he go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. He did this and when he got home that night, he told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" He proudly showed her that h even got a membership card. She said to him, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

The old man said, "I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps next week! "

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: "What Do You Look For In Choosing A Spouse." I was so touched by these prayers, that I thought that I would share them with you:

The woman wrote: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other and relish visits with my mother.

The man wrote: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard."

He continued, "By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

The second drunk, "What's your point?" The first drunk replies, "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

Alabama Tom called the FBI. A man answered and Tom said, "Hello, is this the FBI?" The man said, "Yes. What do you want?" Tom said, "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." The FBI man said, "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. It's Tom and he asks, "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" Billy Bob replies, "Yeah!" Tom says, "Did they chop your firewood?" Billy Bob answered, "Yep." Tom says, "Happy Birthday, Buddy"

That's it for today, my little dumplings. Remember, you might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 20, 2012

Politics Is Going To The Dogs

The Democrats and Republicans continue to throw stones at each other during the 2012 election campaign. Their latest attacks, however, amuse me. Democrats say Romney once transported his Irish Setter in a container on the roof of his car. Republicans say that, in excerpts from his book, Obama admitted to eating dog meat as a child in Indonesia. 

Since all politicians are assholes, stupid stories like these thoroughly delight me and provide me with fodder for my stories. Instead of concentrating on what's good for America, politicians look for garbage in each other's trash bins to throw at each other....much like the monkeys and chimpanzees at the zoo hurl their excrement ("shit" for the hard of understanding) at the visitors.

The photoshop gang is having a ball with this and, in Obama's case, comedians are providing some humorous "Dog Recipes From My Father" jokes. Chow Chow Mein and Chicken Poodle soup are two of my favorites. On the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats.

Between Romney and Obama, it is a frightening time to be a dog in this country, but the best time ever to be a cat.

The News As I See It: Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor things. I haven't been this excited since Hooters announced they were lifting my lifetime ban.

Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign with a new series of ads. His first ad boasts that his secret service administration has already found jobs for eleven Colombian women.

The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents' defense, all Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar.

Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals at the St. Louis zoo and was bit on the hand by a penguin. Hey, when you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you.

Paying income taxes is depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately, that nation is Afghanistan.

Japanese researchers have successfully grown hair on a bald mouse. The researchers are ecstatic, and the mouse is relieved he doesn't have to keep wearing that stupid toupee.

This Date In History: 1769; Ottawa Indian chief Pontiac murdered. 1841; The first detective story, Edgar Allen Poe's Murders in the Rue Morgue, was published. 1902; Marie and Pierre Curie isolated radium.

1912; Bram Stoker, author of Dracula, died. 1912; The Boston Red Sox played their first game at Fenway Park. They beat the N.Y. Highlanders (who in 1913 would become known as the Yankees) 7-6.

1971; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the practice of busing for racial desegregation. 1999; Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold went on a shooting spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo. 14 students (including the shooters) and 1 teacher were killed; 23 others were wounded.

2008; Danica Patrick won the Indy Japan 300, becoming the first woman to win an Indy Car race. 2010; An explosion on a BP oil drilling rig off the coast of Louisiana kills 11 people and injures 17. Experts estimate that 13,000 gallons of crude oil per hour are pouring into the Gulf of Mexico.

Picture Of The Day: You'd think that with all the problems and scandals going on in America, the media would be a bit more focused on the issues'd be wrong!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I ever get another cat, I'm going to name him Mandu. 2) I don't subscribe to Twitter and I have never tweeted although I once slept with a lovely English bird who chirped. 3) To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 4) Watching commercials showing how detergent will take out bloodstains leads me to believe that if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.5) At the bank yesterday, I went through the little rope maze that they put up when the bank is busy. The funny thing is that there were no customers in the bank, yet I went through the maze anyway. The teller gave me my deposit receipt but neglected to give me my cheese reward.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 20th: Yea, it's Friday! Time for some weekend fun! Check your mail before going shopping. You may already have won five million dollars. Tonight will go well and chance of romance is 67.18 percent. It'll be a lot higher if you win the five million. Remember, first you pillage, then you burn.

Birthdays: Daniel Chester French sculptor 1850, Joan Miró artist 1893, Lionel Hampton vibraphonist and bandleader, 1908, Tito Puente musician, jazz percussionist 1923, Jessica Lange actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding and came to a fork in the river. The gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes.

The next day, they were riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'Hump or Drown.'"

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman, who asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" The man smiled and replied, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?"

The policeman said "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." The old man replied, "Thank God! For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells..."Supplies!"

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red? " The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" The woman replied, "No, but my cucumbers are enormous....."

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." The doctor replied, "That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, if it weren't for marriage, most of us would have gone through life thinking we had no faults at all. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Remembering Dick Clark

It was a ritual of the late '50s. Every day, after school, I would quickly do my chores and homework so I could watch Dick Clark on American Bandstand. I was a teenager and aspiring singer-musician and what better way to hear the top hits, see the great bands and learn the latest dances.

Dick Cark had many guest stars on the show, including Frankie Avalon, Dion and The Belmonts, The Beach Boys, Chuck Berry, Frankie and the Juniors, Bobby Darrin, Madonna and countless others. Many dances came and went including the hop, the twist, the camel walk, the stroll, the watusi and so many others. It was the veritable "American Idol" of it's time and so much better!

My teenage years were also the birth of girl watching and I was in love with two of the regular girls on the show, Bunny and Carmen. There were other girls on the show, but these two were my favorites.

Brother Kirt and I would watch the musicians and after the show, we would try to learn the new songs that were at the top of the charts. Guitar practice was always a fun time. We would also watch to learn what the newest clothes and hair styles were (especially the duck tail). Did I mention that I also had an eye for Bunny (L) and Carmen(R)?

The late 50's and early 60's played a big part in my life. A lot of people today may remember the TV show "Happy Days" and the movie "American Graffiti." These two shows were from times that I grew up in. I literally lived during that era.

American Bandstand was a mainstay back in the day and Dick Clark continued on to be successful, most memorably when he annually hosted the New Year's Eve party in Times Square.

Dick Clark (1929-2012), the world's oldest teenager, died early this morning of a massive heart attack at the age of 82. He was a major influence in my life and I will miss him. Rest in Peace, Mr. Clark.

The News As I See It: The government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in this year. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense and hookers for the Secret Service. In case you're wondering where the rest of your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security and the other 27 percent they squander.

This week is National Volunteer Week. This is the week to do one nice thing so you spend the rest of the year telling everyone about it.

Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on George Bush or Mitt Romney.

Arnold Schwarzenegger did something interesting on his Facebook page. He asked fans to give him ideas for things to write about in his autobiography. Apparently, he's unaware of the use of the prefix "auto", meaning "oneself."

During an interview, Obama again called Kanye West a jackass. I think that Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together.

This Date In History: 1775; Paul Revere rode from Charlestown to Lexington to warn Massachusetts colonists of the arrival of British troops during the American Revolution. 1906; The Great San Francisco Earthquake destroyed over 4 sq mi. and killed over 500 people.

1923; The first game was played in Yankee Stadium (the House that Ruth built). Yankees beat the Boston Red Sox 4–1. 1956; Grace Kelly married Prince Rainier of Monaco. 1968; London Bridge was sold to an American. It was rebuilt in Arizona.

1978; The U.S. Senate voted to hand over the Panama Canal to Panamanian control on December 31, 1999. 2002; Afghanistan’s former king, Mohammad Zahir Shah, returned after 29 years in exile.

Picture Of The Day: The news of the Secret Service scandal in Cartagena, Columbia is spreading all over the world.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." 2) The Driver Education classes in my school only used the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays because the Sex Ed classes used it on Tuesdays and Thursdays. 3) Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. 4) At the age of six, I was left an orphan. So I sat there thinking, I'm six years old, what the hell am I supposed to do with an orphan? 5) The city of Chicago got started when a bunch of people in New York said, "You know, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 18th: The weight's off your shoulders now that you've filed your taxes. Today's hump day - go out tonight and have a great time! The chance of an IRS audit is one out of a thousand. You'll be fine! Chance of romance is 35.43 percent. Hey, don't complain. That's a lot better than the IRS audit odds.

Birthdays: My friend Janice - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Clarence Darrow, American lawyer 1857, Lucrezia Borgia noblewoman 1480, Carlos Manuel de Cespedes revolutionist 1819, Max Weber painter 1881, Leopold Stokowski conductor 1882, Conan O'Brien talk-show host 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some older women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." The other girls ask, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" The woman says, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket. When his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "I'll go right now."

So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras. She asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "I'd love to little lady, but my wife's waiting for me up in the room."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not." The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

An American and a Russian were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The American nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, the trainer asked, 'How did you get out of that hold?" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off?" The American replied, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger says, "Who?" The cabby says, "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right...all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

The cabby continued, "Good old Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

The passenger says, "Sounds like he was something really special" The cabby says, "There's more! Frank, he never made a mistake. He really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

The passenger said, "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" The cabby said, "Well, I never actually met Frank. The passenger asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?" The cabby replied, "I married his f*cking widow."

That's it for today, my little butterflies. Remember, do not regret growing old. It's a privilege denied to many. Assuming everything falls into place, I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !