Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Clean Your PC Dot Com Scams

The newest scam is dot-com companies like MyCleanPC, MaxMySpeed, PCMatic, KissMyGritsAndI'llWaxYourPC and variations of the same. All are free (right) and you can be sure there's either a catch or they sell your information to other companies.

Most computers come with security systems like McAfee, Norton or any other respected company. Most computers will speed up If you clear your memory, delete your cookies and erase you browser history. After doing this, if your computer is still slow, you need to add an external hard drive, add more ram or upgrade your computer.

The other scam still vieing to screw you (other than the infamous thieves "Cash4Gold") is any variation of Free Credit Score dot com. You are allowed by law to get free credit information once a year from all three credit report companies. The free credit score dot com companies charge you monthly for mere crappola.

The News As I See It:

Dick Cheney's new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive.

The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it’s the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry.

People on the East Coast are cleaning up after Hurricane Irene and on the West Coast, the’re cleaning up after the Video Music Awards. VMA may stand for "Video Music Awards," but I feel like it stands for "Vulgar-Mouthed Adolescents."

Hurricane Irene dumped so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.

They found a photo album of pictures of Condoleeza Rice among the items in Moammar Gadhafi's home. I'm thinking, "Hey, who doesn't?"

This Date In History: 1887; Thomas Edison received a patent for his "Kinetoscope," and moving pictures were born. 1888; Mary Ann Nicholls, considered to be Jack the Ripper's first victim, was found murdered in London. 1962; Trinidad and Tobago gained independence from Great Britain.

1980; Poland's Solidarity labor movement had its beginnings when an agreement ending a 17-day strike was signed in Gdansk. 1994; Russia officially ended its military presence in the former East Germany and the Baltic states. 1997; Princess Diana and her companion Dodi al-Fayed were killed in a car accident in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: I always follow the national weather reports. They often pique my interest as do the pictures from the photoshop gang. I've also added some landscapes that I admired for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I tried out one of those Tempur-Pedic mattresses. The salesgirl asked me if I had ever slept on one before and I said yes. She asked me what my sleep position was and I said, "Normally, it's missionary." 2) The drivers-education class in my high school only used the car only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class used it. 3) Being dyslexic has its drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. 4) Always remember to proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 5) My ex-wife always made sure to include something every day from the four basic food groups: canned, frozen, fast and takeout.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - August 31st: It's hump day but remember not to take the phrase literally. Dark blue will be a good color for you today unless you're going to an Italian restaurant. Take your vitamins and drink a lot of water because you may be in for a long night. Here's where it gets a little murky as I can't ascertain whether "long night" means getting lucky or incarceration.

Birthdays: My pal Pat in the U.K. - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Georg Jensen, silversmith 1866, Maria Montessori, Italian educator and physician 1879, Wilhelmina, queen 1880, Alan Jay Lerner, lyricist and librettist 1918, Itzhak Perlman, concert violinist 1945, Van Morrison, singer, songwriter 1945 Richard Gere, actor 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

Why Old Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns:

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.


As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. She explained, "These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.

She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." To that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"

Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row. The official asked, "What's the trouble here?" One of the men replied, "My partner has had a stroke and these two bastards want to add it to my score."

That's it for today my little dandelions. Remember, short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one? Time for happy hour at AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, August 29, 2011

Ok Irene - Wrap It Up !

Thankfully, Hurricane Irene did not live up the her full potential. Although the wind speed dropped dramatically, the rains and subsequent flooding are still wreaking havoc along the east coast. Some critics, both nationally and internationally, have complained that there was too much television coverage of the event.

While this is true to a certain extent, I'm quite sure that people in harm's way along Irene's path were happy to get pertinent, albeit hyped, information as the hurricane approached their particular location. Alas, but with said information, we have to watch the weather reporters give their reports in the wind and rain.

But have you noticed that no one covers a house fire by rushing into the burning building, or reports on a war by doing stand-ups in the middle of a tank battle? Maybe it was a little too much that every anchor on television decided to don the obligatory colorful-but-flimsy network-logo jacket and baseball cap to tell us that it was raining real hard and the wind was blowing fiercely. My sense of sight and hearing could have told me that without seeing the likes of Anderson Cooper, Al Roker and Geraldo Rivera.

Some critics suggested that other world problems deserved coverage as well. Things like the famine in Africa and the war in Libya were topics of discussion. Well, the media is fickle. The wedding of Prince William received doting coverage and the world continued to rotate, as well.

Personally, I am much more interested in American television covering problems in America than what the "sand people" do, and have been doing, to each other for thousands of years. Moreover, the famines in Africa have been going on for years and will continue to go on as long as their leaders steal and squander international aid.

Maybe Al Qaida can spare a little of their time to help their own in Africa. Maybe the Somali pirates could take some of the millions of ransom dollars they've stolen and buy a hamburger or two for their own people. Yeah, maybe....., but in the interim, I just watch the weather reports. At least they end, eventually.

The News As I See It: Monica Lewinsky turns 50. Can you believe it ? It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?

Prince Charles adopted a puppy. He has floppy ears and a big snout. I don’t know what the puppy looks like.

Obama will be making no more public speeches in Texas. He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some South Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him.

This Date In History: 1533; Atahualpa, the last ruler of the Incas, was murdered as Francisco Pizarro completed his conquest of Peru. 1786; Shays's rebellion, an insurrection of Massachusetts farmers against the state government, began. 1842; The Treaty of Nanking was signed, ending the Opium Wars and ceding the island of Hong Kong to Britain.

1877; Brigham Young died in Salt Lake City, Utah. 1949; The U.S.S.R. tested their first atomic bomb. 1957; Strom Thurmond ended the longest filibuster in U.S. Senate history. He spoke for more than 24 hours against a civil rights bill; the bill passed. 1966; The Beatles played their last major live concert at Candlestick Park, California.

1991; The Supreme Soviet, the parliament of the U.S.S.R., suspended all activities of the Communist Party, bringing an end to the institution. 2005; Hurricane Katrina slammed into the U.S. Gulf Coast, destroying beachfront towns in Mississippi and Louisiana, displacing a million people, and killing more than 1,000.

Picture Of The Day: One good thing about bad weather is that it brings out the best from the photoshop gang.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Is it really a hurricane, or even just a "tropical depression," unless a TV reporter in a hooded windbreaker is flopping around in the wind and rain like a landed flounder? 2) Is it really a weather story at all unless the TV people can go outside in the storm and, while risking bodily injury, warn viewers that they shouldn't go outside in the storm and risk bodily injury? 3) Hurricanes are like women. When they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house and car.

4) Fallen-tree footage is essential to TV hurricane coverage. The most-sought-after video is, in order of ratings: 1. Big tree on strip mall. 2. Big tree on house. 3. Big tree on car. 4. Small tree on car. 5. Assorted shrubbery on car. 5) Is there anything more compelling than listening to Geraldo Rivera, during Hurricane Gustav, who spotted a man bobbing in the water. "There's a person! Stranded! He's drowning!" Later, it turned out the "drowning" man was actually a Coast Guardsman with life jacket and tether line who was trying to secure a loosely moored vessel.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - August 29th: While most people do not like Mondays, today will serve you well. I'd go as far to say I'd put a shekel or two on the lottery. Watch out for people named "Hacksaw" today. An early dinner with wine will give you a great night's sleep. Well....unless you believe what the say about "Hacksaw."

Birthdays: John Locke, English philosopher, founder of British empiricism 1632, Jean Auguste Ingres, painter 1780, Ingrid Bergman, actress 1915, Charlie Parker, musician 1920, Dinah Washington, singer 1924, Slobodan Milosevic, political leader 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when the pharmacist saw an older woman walk into the drugstore. The woman walked up to the counter and asked, "Do you sell extra large condoms?" The pharmacist replied, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" The old woman responded, "No sir, but would you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

A woman and her baby waited as the bus pulled up to the bus stop. As she entered the bus, the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

The old man said, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him." The woman says, "You're right, sir. I think I will report him." The old man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off, says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.

The young man looked up, cranked the window down and said, "Yes, officer?" The policeman asked, "What are you doing?" The young man replied, "I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "She's knitting."

The officer then asked the young man, "How old are you?" The young man said, "I'm nineteen." The policeman asked, "And how old is she?" The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

That's it for today my little pop tarts. Remember, one-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. Make it a good day! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 26, 2011

Memories Of Hurricane Andrew 1992

As Hurricane Irene begins her assault on the East Coast, my thoughts drift back to 1992, when Hurricane Andrew, a Category-Five behemoth, devastated Homestead, Florida City and parts of Miami. Andrew had sustained winds of 145 mph with gusts up to 175 mph. The worst damage from Andrew occurred not from straight-line winds, but from vortices (embedded tornadoes).

In Miami Lakes (Northwestern Miami-Dade County), the damage was bad. Without electricity (and stupidly, no radio), the only way to find out about other parts of the county was to drive in my car and listen to the car radio. When electricity was restored three or four days later, the pictures of Andrew's path completely devastated me.

Andrew continued northwest across the Gulf of Mexico to strike the Louisiana coastline. With a central pressure of 922 mb, Andrew was the third most intense U.S. land-falling hurricane this century.

While it doesn't appear that Hurricane Irene will be the monstrosity that Andrew was, the excessive rains and flooding will wreak havoc along the coast. My prayers go out to all the people in harm's way.

The News As I See It:

Hurricane Irene is bearing down on the entire East Coast. Wow, earthquake, now hurricane. What's the next disaster, Congress and Obama returning from vacation to continue governing the country?

The recent earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. Hell, Dick Cheney and Larry King have had heart attacks bigger than that.

President Obama continues to enjoy the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating.

This Date In History: 1847; Liberia was proclaimed an independent republic. 1920; The 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote went into effect. 1939; The first televised major league baseball game was televised: a double-header between the Brooklyn Dodgers and the Cincinnati Reds.

1974; Aviator Charles Lindbergh, the first man to fly solo, nonstop across the Atlantic, died. 1978; John Paul I became Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. He died one month later.

Picture Of The Day: Hurricane Andrew and the devastation the he caused. Probably the worst hurricane I've ever been through in 50 years.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. 2) Impotence is nature's way of saying "No hard feelings". 3) I once saw six men beating up my ex-mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough." 4) Why is it that everyone is talking and no one is listening to you.....until you fart? 5) The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - August 26th: You may find yourself hankering for expresso today and the thought will occur to you, "exactly was is hankering?" Don't fret. To hanker is to, not the currency! To hanker is to yearn.....ah, forget it! Just wipe that smile off your face and go get your damned expresso!

Birthdays: Robert Walpole, English statesman 1676, Antoine Laurent Lavoisier, chemist 1743, Peggy Guggenheim, art patron and collector 1898, Albert Sabin, physician and microbiologist 1906, Mother Teresa, Roman Catholic missionary 1910, Julio Cortázar, writer 1914, Macaulay Culkin, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble. "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 50 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy said, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An Oklahoma family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Texas jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Texas fan and I would like to wear this to school." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother."

Off goes the little lad with the Texas jersey in hand. He finds his mother and asks. "Mom?" His Mom says, "Yes son?" The little boy says, "I've decided I'm going to be an Texas fan and I would like to buy this jersey." The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Texas Jersey in hand. He finds his father and says, "Dad?" His father answers, "Yes son?" The boy says, "I've decided I'm going to be an Texas fan and I would like to buy this jersey." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in that crap!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have." The father says, "Good, son, what is it?" To which the son replies, "I've only been a Texas fan for an hour and I already hate you Oklahoma bastards."

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says, "Congratulations!" Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy says, "Naw, thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

On a hot, dusty day, a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing and asked, "Whudd'ya do that fer?" The cowboy said, "Got chapped lips." The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

That's it for today my little munchkins. Remember, alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk. It's Friday and AREA 51 beckons. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

You Want Me To WHAT? (For My Teacher Friends)

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said, "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages and instill in them a love for learning?"

"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride?"

"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job? You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior and make sure that they all pass the final exams."

"You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card?"

"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps?"

"You want me to do all this and then you tell me.....I Can't Pray???!!!"

The chaos in Libya is hopefully ending. I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy and.....cheaper gas. Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking "Dancing With the Stars."

The News As I See It: There was a major earthquake on the East Coast yesterday. In New York, the found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk. They even felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt.

There’s a fatwa (Islam decree of death) on David Letterman. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs? The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it's Jay Leno. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for his replacement.

When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. Three wives for six years?! I'm thinking that when the SEALs broke in, he said, "Just shoot me."

Joe Lieberman has written a memoir in which he reveals why having sex with his wife on the Sabbath is so important to him. It’s in the chapter called "You Might Want to Skip This."

This Date In History: 79; Mount Vesuvius erupted and buried the towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum. 1572 70,000 French Protestants, or Huguenots, were killed in the St. Bartholomew's Day massacre. 1814; The British set fire to the White House and the Capitol when they invaded Washington, DC during the War of 1812.

1821; Mexico gained its independence from Spain with the Treaty of Cordoba. 1949; The North Atlantic Treaty went into effect. 1968; France became the world's fifth nuclear power as it exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 1989; Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.

1991; Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the general secretary of the Communist Party after a failed coup attempt against him. 1992; Hurricane Andrew hit Florida, causing record damage.

Picture Of The Day: A change of pace. Close-ups of serene and peaceful flowers for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. 2) Politicians know that the best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. 3) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 4) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi. 5) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - August 24th: It's hump day and it's ok to go to AREA 51 for happy hour. Just remember that drinking may cause you to believe you can sing karaoke. By the way, karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf." Feed the pets early today and if you plan on mixing with the opposite sex, cheap cologne or perfume is a downer.

Birthdays: William Wilberforce, politician and humanitarian 1759, Theodore Parker, theologian and social reformer 1810, Felix Mottl, conductor 1856, Jorge Luis Borges, poet and critic 1899, Steve Guttenberg, actor, producer 1958, Cal Ripken Jr., baseball player 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

At a Louisiana conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. The speaker said, "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. The speaker continued, "Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" A few hands remain up.

The speaker asked, "Have any of you ever been....uh, intimate with a ghost?" Old Boudreaux's hand stays up. The speaker blinks and says, "Sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" Boudreaux answers, "Oh, sorry..., I thought you said goat!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to day's stories.

A blonde, tired of all the blonde jokes, decided to get makeover. She cut and dyed her hair brunette and went driving down a country road, searching for someone who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, she stopped and called the shepherd over.

She said, "That's a nice flock of sheep." The shepherd said, "Well thank you," She said, "Tell you what, I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The shepherd said, "Sure."

So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". The shepherd said, "Wow! That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde pushes her new Mercedes Benz into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

That's it for today my little puppy dogs. Remember, getting married for the second time is the triumph of hope over experience. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, August 22, 2011

Goodnight Irene, I'll See You In My Dreams

Hurricane Irene is on the horizon and although I've been following the storm, I wasn't aware of her name until yesterday, when my pal Linda warned me that "Irene" was headed my way. AREA 51 memory blank spots do not always allow me to recall the name of every woman I meet, so I was happy to see Sunday's weather update.

Of course, I'm not saying that I forget every woman's name, but there are a few hazy parts of my past that I can't exactly identify. That said, let's move on to Hurricane Irene, whose name by the way, still does not ring a social bell.

Current weather reports show her skirting the Greater Miami area and if that becomes true, we'll just deal with some inclement and stormy weather. On the other hand, if she bears a bit more northwesterly, we'll be in deep doo-doo.

Hurricanes have been known to turn on a dime and have taken highly unsuspecting tracks in the past, so it's always best to be prepared. I think that's why they're called hurricanes as opposed to hisicanes.

As a point of information, masculine names were not used in the past to name storms but modern society always comes up with a way to screw up everything. I've always identified raging storms as feminine. Now with the male named storms, I don't get too worried, I just think of the show, "Glee."

The Obozo administration's new policy will allow many illegal immigrants who don’t have criminal records the chance to stay in the United States. Since it's nearing election time and Obozo has not done what he promised for illegal immigration, this is simply "backdoor amnesty" and is blatantly being offered to court the Hispanic vote in the 2012 election.

The plan calls for case-by-case reviews of the approximately 300,000 illegal immigrants currently facing possible deportation. The only stupid thing Obozo didn't do was to refer to illegal immigrants as unregistered democrats.

The News As I See It: A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.

Mitt Robme is calling Obozo's bus tour the "Magical Misery Tour", which is kind of funny coming from a member of the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.

This Date In History: 1642; The English Civil War began between supporters of King Charles I (Royalists or Cavaliers) and those of Oliver Cromwell (Roundheads). 1775; King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in open rebellion. 1846; The United States annexed New Mexico.

1851; The U.S. yacht America outraced the British Aurora off the English coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup. 1902; Theodore Roosevelt became the first United States president to ride in an automobile. 1910; Korea was annexed by Japan after five years as a protectorate.

1989; Black Panther co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland, California. 2003; Alabama's chief justice, Roy Moore, was suspended for refusing to move a Ten Commandments monument from the state courthouse. 2004; A version of Edvard Munch's painting The Scream was stolen in Norway. Another version had been stolen in 1994.

Picture Of The Day: "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty"..... "Whoo?"..... Here, kitty, kitty, kitty"..... "Whoo?"..... Here kitty, kit..... forget it!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Don't trust "Little Birdies". Most of them are habitual liars and gossips. 2) The difference between gossip and news is whether I hear it or tell it. 3) I dated a blonde girl who thought "innuendo" was an Italian suppository. 4) Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 5) It's been said that only women gossip. That's not exactly true. How do you think guys and their buddies keep track of who's easy?.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 22nd: Don't let your temper get the better of you, especially if you're having barbecued chicken for dinner. I know this makes no sense to you and, frankly, I don't understand it either. One thing for sure is that if you do have barbecued chicken for dinner, I highly doubt that romance is in the cards after dinner. It's the chipotle sauce.....

Birthdays: Claude Debussy, composer 1862, Jacques Lipchitz, sculptor 1891,
Dorothy Parker, writer 1893, Henri Cartier-Bresson, photojournalist 1908, John Lee Hooker, blues musician 1917, Ray Bradbury, writer 1920, Norman Schwarzkopf, general 1934, E. Annie Proulx, writer 1935, Bill Parcells, football coach 1941, Tori Amos, musician

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" The man said, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan said, "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" The old man said, "Don't doubt it for a minute."

Satan persisted, "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" The old man said, "Yep." Satan asked, "And you're still not afraid?" The old man said, "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

A man gets on a flight and sits down next to to an old Irish priest. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with a priest sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes, the passengers take off their seatbelts. The man looks sideways and sees the priest reaching into his bag and takes out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with a priest next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help.

The flight continues and the priest is working his way through the puzzle and the man notices that the priest is tapping his pencil, thinking. The priest turns to him and asks, "I usually don't talk to others on flights but I wonder if you can help me." The man says, "Anything Father, what is it?" The priest says, "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?" The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and finally says, "The only word I can think of is aunt." The priest turns to him and asks "Do you have an eraser?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Janet, Susie and Rose haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Janet arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Susie arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Janet in a glass of wine. Then, Rose walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Janet explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Susie relates that she graduated from the University of Miami and became a brain surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida.

Rose explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jack. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jack can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Janet blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Susie, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Rose admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask.....what did the chicken do?"

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !