Friday, September 22, 2017

Sometimes I Talk To Myself

I have to because sometimes I need expert advice. Being a night owl, I'm subjected to stupid attorneys doing their own TV commercials. I listen to politicians and media types start their sentences with "So...", which is today's substitute for "Um". I sit through moronic commercials that insult my intelligence.

Even a sixth grader knows that "so" indicates the continuation of a thought, not the beginning. They then continue answering every question or beginning new sentences with "So.....".

Yes, I talk to myself. I also answer myself, Some of my best conversations have been with me. I watch General Motors doing commercials using theoretical unknowing participants whose "canned" comments are believable if you're five-years-old.

The news is a joke and every headline or story varies to suit the networks political views and affiliations. The only thing they can't fake is catastrophes because most are obvious. That is, excepting weather reporters who make sure they wade into water to emphasize the situation when dry land is twenty yards away.

Just once, I'd like to see a chicken cross the road without someone questioning his motive. But, that's just me.....

My heart and prayers go out to the people of Texas and Florida who continue to recover from catastrophic hurricanes and to the people of Puerto Rico and Mexico who are currently experiencing hurricane and earthquake woes respectively.  

The News As I See It: Some 7-Eleven stores are now offering what they are calling "restaurant quality" dishes. Olive Garden representatives said, "We're going to try that too."

Target is letting customers download an indoor map to help them find their way around the store. If you get lost at Costco, they just tell you to forget your old life and move in.

Taco Bell said it will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that you're having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell.

Happy Rosh Hashanah to my Jewish readers. Of course, Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. So happy 5778, everybody! I'm so glad it's 5778 because 5777 sucked.

This Date In History: 1901; Queen Victoria of England died after reigning for 63 years (the 4th longest among longest-reigning monarchs and the longest for queens). 1905; 500 workers were killed by the Czar's troops in "Bloody Sunday" in St. Petersburg.

1938; Thornton Wilder's play Our Town first performed publicly in Princeton, N.J. 1973; The Supreme Court legalized some abortions in Roe v. Wade. 1997; The U.S. Senate confirmed Madeleine Albright as the first female secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: Yosemite Sam's pissed too..... !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook and then watching your 2-year-old eat a dog treat from off the floor and then ask for another. 2) My girlfriend told me she had an epiphany last night, which surprised me because that wasn't even my "A" game. 3) What North Korea really needs is some decent barbers who know how to cut hair. 4) Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is, apparently, a skill that I do not possess. 5) My father once told me: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie and before you know it, you're either a lawyer or a politician.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 22nd: Your weaknesses may turn out to be your strengths today and you'll find yourself easily swayed by nonsense that you read on Facebook. Don't confuse dumb waiters with Afghani asylum seekers. They're normally taxi drivers. Sex on the beach is not an act, it's a drink.....most of the time.

Birthdays: Michael Faraday, English scientist 1791, Theodore Clement Steele, artist 1847, Babette Deutsch, poet 1895, Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager 1927.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no friggin' bike!"

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of Texans took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.

The woman said, "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The sheep herder said, "Sure." So, looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". The herder said, "Wow! That's exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". The woman asked, "What is it?  The herder said, "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, cleaning my barn, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

The woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember, poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Irma Devastating But Not Without Quirky Moments

During the last trying weeks, the nation suffered through the heartbreaking ravages of Hurricanes Harvey and Irma. But even in the worst of times, little rays of humor managed to surface and I'd like to tell you some of my trials and errors.

Time erases memory, but Irma wasn't my first rodeo. I filled every receptacle I had with water and put them in the freezer. I precooked meats and put them in Tupperware. I was sure I had candles, and I was right. I had three candles, each about 5 inches long.

No worries, the weather people indicated the brunt of the storm would hit the west coast. I completely forgot that the "dirty" part of the storm was in the northeast portion. The hurricane was moving at a good pace and then it slowed. I still had power and a functioning cell phone.

Around 1:00 pm Sunday, I lost power but I still had a positive attitude.The night moved in, the winds increased and the son-of-a-bitch upstairs turned on his generator, clearly in violation of the law. I lit candle number one, had some iced tea and a snack. My cats, usually aloof, now seemed to feel I was their best friend, each curling up next to me.

Over the following hours, I cannot tell you how many times I turned on the light when I entered the bathroom. It never came on once (because, you see, I had no damned electricity,). At first, I tried to go to the bathroom using the ancient art of mental imaging and target location by sound. But, as I said earlier, time erases memory and when I didn't hear the "sound" of success, I realized that candle number two was going to be needed in the bathroom.

Scooter, my faithful companion who feels the necessity to accompany me on all my bathroom treks wholeheartedly agreed as he was the recipient of the poorly plan mental imaging and sound experiment.

I cursed myself over putting off buying an emergency radio, so there I sat, listening to the mind numbing staccato of the generator and watching my candles get smaller and smaller. I fell asleep sometime in the wee hours, only to be awakened by the howling winds but no generator sounds. It seems the generator had been shut off at first light.

Still sleepy, the winds roared as I prepared something to eat. I was sure the damned storm must be in Tampa by now, but my sister called and said it was in Naples. Candle number one burnt out and conservation of the final candle was a priority.

That evening, as darkness fell, the cats remained in a crouched position mainly due to the various loud noises. Right on time, shit-for-brains turned on his generator. Conserving the remaining candle, I sat in the dark plotting how to destroy the annoying generator and the owner, if necessary, as well. Peanut butter and bread became my go to snack. Sleeping off and on, the sun finally arose and dumb ass turned his generator off, so I tried to catch up on some badly needed sleep.

I woke to a conversation coming from my living room. Since I live alone, I assume I had unwanted guests. As it turned out, it was the television and I had electricity again. Although food was low and I was out of ice, I knew that it could only get better, 

Hollywood's hurricane relief telethon turned political with many stars using the opportunity to share their liberal platforms. Originally conceived as a benefit for victims of Hurricane Harvey in Texas, the "Hand in Hand" telethon was expanded to help people in Florida and the Caribbean devastated in recent days by Irma.

Stevie Wonder opened the one-hour televised event with a monologue about coming together, regardless of race, religion, political affiliation or sexual preference to help those devastated by the storms. However, he then closed the speech by taking a shot at those who deny climate change, saying "Anyone who believes there’s no such thing as global warming must be blind or unintelligent.

But the event was a potentially polarizing and alienating move at a time when, even as images of the powerful storms and monumental wreckage they caused literally flooded our screens, the impulse, especially from politicians, to call for prayers in lieu of recognizing science has become an exasperated meme.

To wit, after Wonder’s quote was tweeted out, responses came in chiding the singer for “undermining the objective of the telethon by alienating half the country in the first 30 seconds.”

Houston native Beyonce said in a video message aired on the telethon that hurricanes Harvey and Irma were a big blow following the recent "violence and racism in this country. She added she thought times "couldn't possibly get worse," but then the hurricanes hit.

All things considered, the event raised more than 44 million dollars for the victims of Hurricanes Harvey and Irma, so I guess one has to overlook the moronic, blatant politicalization and be content that the monies ostensibly will help millions of people.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is promoting her new book, "What Happened?" She told Anderson Cooper that a lot of people come up to her now to apologize for not voting. And when they do that, she says she doesn’t forgive them. I guess she used all her forgiveness up on her husband, Slick Willy.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked about Clinton’s book. She said she thought it was sad. Which is true. I mean, it is — I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who’s planning to read it, but at the end of the book, Donald Trump becomes president.

Huma Abedin and soon-to-be ex-husband Anthony Weiner say that they want to keep their divorce proceedings private. Weiner, however, insisted he’s still going to keep his (private parts) public.

It's official  - Pro Football has begun! I saw that the Patriots will play a game in Mexico this November. The U.S. border Patrol will be checking the returning team for anyone with a mustache and wearing a serape.Then again, the Patriots could sign Colin Kaepernick and then trade him to Mexico for two day laborers to be named at a later date.

Meanwhile, the New York Jets are 1000-to-1 long shots to win the Super Bowl. That means if you bet just one will lose just one dollar.

Kim Kardasian and Kanye West have announced they are expecting their third baby. And this time, they’re going to name the baby something normal. That’s the name. Something Normal West.

Target annoinced announced that it will hire 100,000 seasonal employees during the holidays. Ten of them will be on the register; the rest will wander around saying, “I don’t work in this department.”

This Date In History: 1789; The U.S. Department of Foreign Affairs changed its name to the Department of State. 1821; Costa Rica, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, and El Salvador gained independence. 1835; Charles Darwin and the HMS Beagle reached the Galapagos Islands.

1917; Alexander Kerensky proclaimed Russia a republic. 1935;  The Nuremberg Laws deprived Jews of their citizenship and made the Swastika the official emblem of Nazi Germany. 1963; A church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama, killed four young black girls.

1989; Pulitzer Prize-winning author Robert Penn Warren, the first poet laureate of the United States, died. 2004; The National Hockey League lockout began. The 2004-2005 season would ultimately be canceled.

Picture Of The Day: Yep, I figured by 2:00 p.m., I figured Irma would be nearing Tampa, Wrong, hurricane breath!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men reach their sexual peak around age 18 while women reach their sexual peak around age 35. Just about the time women reach their sexual peak, men are beginning to realize they have a favorite chair. 2) One year, I couldn't afford to take the kids to a corn maze, so I took them to an IKEA instead. 3) Forrest Gump's Facebook account has been hacked. His password was "1Forrest1". 4) If you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." 5) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 15th: Your footsteps will seem louder today as you break in new shoes. Everything you've ever felt about anything will be tested today during some troubling moment in which you'll learn something about anything or everything. When gazing upon the face of a loved one, close your mouth and stop babbling on about how much you wish that restraining order had been quashed.

BirthdaysJames Fenimore Cooper, American novelist 1789, William Howard Taft, 27th president of the United States 1857, 1857 Bruno Walter, conductor 1876, Agatha Christie, writer 1890, Jean Renoir, film director, writer 1894, Oliver Stone, filmmaker 1946, Dan Marino, football quarterback 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what’s that under your arm?" The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." The ticket agent said, "We don’t allow animals in the theater." The irritated old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.

He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

Mildred whispered, "Marge, I think this guy next to me is a pervert." Marge replied, "What makes you think that?" Mildred whispered, "He unzipped his pants and is exposing himself."

Marge said, "Well, don’t worry about it, At our age we’ve seen them all." Mildred said, "Yeah, but this one is eating my popcorn."

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday. Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.

Finally, after she had crossed her legs enough times, her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answered with a seductive smile, Yes." Her husband replied, "Thank God. For a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa." (He never heard the gunshot.)

An older woman is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

No sooner than they get out of the store, she leans over and says to the boy, "You know I've got an itchy pussy." The boy responds, "You'll have to point it out, lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me."

That's it for today, my little tinker toys. Remember, if your smart phone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. Then at night, the rice will attract Asians and they will fix all your electronics for you. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 25, 2017

Have You Experienced Haboobs? Ha Yes!

In the interest of keeping my friends and readers aware of scientific information that affects America, I would like to make you aware of a phenomenon that occasionally plagues Arizona, along with the normal infestation of illegal aliens and drug smugglers.

Giant dust storms sometimes inundate the cities. Scientists refer to the phenomenon as a haboob, an Arabic word meaning.....uh, giant dust storm. Phoenix is the only city in the southwest that has had to face a large pair of haboobs.

Yes, it's true. Giant haboobs cab take the Phoenix Area by storm and scientist are still unsure how to warn residents of the severity of the storm. Hurricanes, for example, are rated as category one, two, et cetera.

Tornadoes are referred to as F1, F2 and so on. Leading meteorologists are considering rating the severity of the haboobs as A, B, C, D and the dangerous Double D.

While reporters are "embedded" in war situations and weather reporters "hunker down" during hurricanes, I feel it would only be natural for weather reporters to be "implanted" in the larger haboobs. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is coming out with a book called "What Happened"(?). Out of habit, Bill Clinton immediately came out with his own book called, "Baby, I Can Explain."

In the book, Hillary calls Donald Trump a "creep" who "made her skin crawl." If Trump is a "creep" for merely being near Hillary, one wonders how she feels when she thinks about Bill and Monica Lewinsky's escapades in the Oval Office.

This Date In History: 1718; New Orleans was founded by French settlers and named after the Duke of Orleans. 1825; Uruguay declared its independence from Brazil. 1875; Matthew Webb became the first person to swim across the English Channel. It took him 21 hours and 45 minutes.

1916; The Department of the Interior created the National Park Service to manage and preserve national parks and monuments for future generations. 1944; Paris was liberated from Nazi occupation by Allied forces.

1984; Author Truman Capote was found dead in Los Angeles. 2001; Singer and actress Aaliyah died in a plane crash in the Bahamas. 2003; NASA launched the infrared Spitzer Space Telescope.

2009; Edward "Ted" Kennedy, who served as a Democratic senator from Massachusetts since 1962, dies. He was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor in 2008. 2012; The first human to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong, died after suffering complications from a heart bypass.

Picture Of The Day: A Haboob engulfs a city. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politicians should be limited to two terms: One in office and one in prison. 2) Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Wednesday. 3) I was getting amorous with one of my lady friends and just as the moment drew near, she said, "Please practice safe sex". So, I locked the truck door. 4) Miami's a wonderful city although some of its citizens are very rude. I went to the library yesterday and said, "I'd like a card." The librarian said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of Miami", so I stabbed him.  5) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was just the Mace.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 25th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

Birthdays: Allan Pinkerton, detective 1819, Sir Hans Adolf Krebs, biochemist 1900, Leonard Bernstein, American composer, conductor and pianist 1918, George Wallace, governor 1919, Althea Gibson, tennis player 1927, Sean Connery, actor 1930, Regis Philbin, TV personality 1934, Tim Burton, director 1958. 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing, "Freeze a jolly good fellow" and then they kick him in the ice hole....

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window and said, "Young lady, I would like three pickets to Tittsburg." He completely lost his composure and scurried away.

The second priest goes to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too hurried away.

The third priest moves to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house. So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

One of the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!" Bob said, "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. So for 14 long years, not a single person sang karaoke. Speaking of karaoke, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Free Speech Doesn't Justify Armed Thugs

Armed and masked Antifa thugs should be arrested on sight. The same people would be arrested immediately entering a bank. Why authorities don't put a stop to this escapes me. The right to protest ends when innocent bystanders are threatened or injured.

Peaceful protests are a right and should be encouraged, but helmets, masks, bats and arms are not peaceful and should not be tolerated.

The Democrats seem to have left their Russian Conspiracy theory for a racism and white supremacy theory, verbally indicting the White House and by implication, all Republicans, as racists.

Democrat Nancy Pelosi called the recent firing of Steve Bannon "welcome news" but said that it "doesn't disguise" where President Trump stands on white supremacy.

So, at the end of the day, are the far left and far right lunatics going to be allowed to create hysteria for the majority of the nation using the crutch of free speech to propagate their goals? 

The News As I See It: An Alabama woman, missing for nearly a month said she was able to survive in the woods on mushrooms. Officials said, "Ma’am, you were out there for 45 minutes."

Reports say that the U.S. has a plan to launch a cyber attack on North Korea. It’s pretty serious. They say it could affect both of North Korea’s computers.

News organizations are actually telling people what to do in case of a nuclear attack. They say people should immediately stay inside and keep watching Netflix.

Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting.

Football stadiums are going to get a delivery system that will bring food right to your seat. However, if you’re a Rams fan, your food will most likely be intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

This Date In History: 1227; Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan died in China. 1587; Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents born in North America. 1894; Congress established the Bureau of Immigration, forerunner of the Immigration and Naturalization Service.

1920; When Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, the three-quarters of the states necessary was achieved and American women got the right to vote. 1936; Spanish poet and playwright Federico Garcia Lorca was shot and killed by Franco's soldiers during the Spanish Civil War. 1958; Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita was published.

Picture Of The Day: This is not a peaceful protest. It is people looking to cause trouble.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was once pulled over in Miami because the police officer thought I had been drinking. He asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in the state was. I said, "I don't know, re-election to Congress?" 2) I know, some people are against drinking and driving, but you know, sometimes you've just got no choice. Those kids gotta get to school.

3) Sex is not that important. It's the afterward part when you're naked, it's warm and you watch the sun come up through the windshield. You look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you realize that you probably just screwed a pirate.

4) When you are dating, farting is never an issue. When you are married, you make sure there’s nothing flammable near your wife.  5) My friend went to CVS pharmacy and asked for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "I need medical proof that you need it." My friend said, "Will a picture of my wife do?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 18th: Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Destiny might play with your mind though and take you to a pet store.

Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. However, the chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch tomorrow are remote so you might as well quit, go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes.

You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on Ebay. There's a great sale on shoes, though.

Birthdays: Virginia Dare, first white child of English parents to be born in America 1587, Meriwether Lewis, explorer 1774, Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit, diplomat 1900, Shelley Winters, actress 1920, Rosalynn Smith Carter, first lady 1927, Roman Polanski, film director 1933, Roberto Clemente, baseball player 1934, Robert Redford, actor and director 1937, Patrick Swayze, actor 1952, Christian Slater, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed. She went to a plastic surgeon and asks the doctor, "I can't get rid of these bags, can you help me?"

The doctor told he is willing to try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes, she is to use the crank and the bags will go away. She gets the crank put in her head and leaves.

It works for a while until one day, she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can, but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor.

She says to the doctor, "This was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies, "Those aren't bags....those are your boobs." The woman replied, "I guess that explains this goatee."

A woman was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman was at the doctor's office with her husband. She took the doctor aside and said, "I don't want to say anything in front of my husband, but, lately, he's been buying Purina Dog Chow at the grocery store and eating it as a snack."

The doctor said, "That's unusual. Is he doing anything else that seems strange?" The woman says, "Yes, when I'm driving, he likes to stick his head out of the window for the fresh air."

The doctor says, "This sounds like he may have Canus Complexus. In layman's terms, he may think that he's a dog." The woman lamented, "That sounds serious, doctor. Is there anything you can do for him?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, it could kill him. But there's a new drug that I can give him that should help. You mix it in with his food along with some wet dog food. After a while the drug and dog food mixture will begin to make him sick when he eats the dog chow and it should return him to normal."

Six months passed and the doctor happened to see the woman at the shopping mall dressed in black. The doctor greeted the woman and asked, "How is your husband?" The woman sadly told the doctor, "He passed away two weeks ago."

The doctor was deeply moved and said, "My sincere condolences. I really thought that the dog food and drug mixture would have cured him, not killed him"

Then woman said, "Oh, no doctor. The dog food and drugs mixture didn't bother him at all." The doctor asked, "Then, how did he die?" The woman replied, "He was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls and a dump truck ran over him."

At a cocktail party, the host asked the attractive blonde if she would like another drink. The blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

The host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it. After two drinks, anyone can!"

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. This information may or may not affect your balance when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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