Saturday, July 15, 2017

The News Comes With Side Effects - Advertising


Television shows today are garbage. Networks are too cheap to pay good actors so they put on reality shows knowing they can pay next to nothing. So, I always have the news on in the background. Sadly, the TV ads are for drugs, pain relief, gas and constipation.

They advertise every drug by name so that hopefully, you ask your doctor for that particular drug in lieu of a  cheaper, generic drug. I find that the side effects far outweigh the use of the drugs. These ads are aimed at the older crowd who normally follow the news and politics more that the bubble gum crowd. Alas, advertisers target this audience with "everything hurts" advertising.

One of the best sitcoms on TV is "The Big Bang Theory". It is well written and acted. Other than that, I find most of my entertainment on reruns of Seinfeld, Friends, Two and a Half Men and Rules of Engagement. I'd rather watch reruns of a good show than the current crap the networks are hawking today.

That reminds me. I gotta go take my meds.......

The News As I See It: A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" just joined SEAL Team 6.

In May of this year, In May of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."

This Date In History: 1789; The storming and destruction of Bastille marked the beginning of the French Revolution. 1798;  Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a crime to publish false, scandalous, or malicious writing about the U.S. government.

1881; Billy the Kid was shot by Sheriff Pat Garrett in New Mexico. 1921; In one of the most controversial cases in U.S. history, anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were convicted of two murders and sentenced to death.

1933; In Germany, all political parties except the Nazi party were outlawed. 1945; Dr. Spock's Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care was published. 1958; A military coup overthrew the monarchy in Iraq, killing King Faisal II. General Abdul Karim Kassem becomes Iraq's leader.

Picture Of The Day: Yep !



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me. 2) Before Walmart, I used to have to buy a ticket to the circus to see the bearded lady. 3) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels on the TV. 4) People, stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How can I find you if you look like Kaley Cuoco on Facebook but Yoda in real life? 5) I accidentally pushed my cat, Scooter, off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's sitting in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 14: Now that you're finally getting over your weekend antics, I suggest that you maintain a low profile until all of the various social sites quit running those pictures of you that seemed funny at the time. Seriously, you're not the first to wear a lampshade as a hat. Chance of romance is 17.62 percent.

Birthdays: James McNeill Whistler, painter 1834, Emmeline Pankhurst, woman suffragist 1858, Gertrude Bell, traveler, author and government official 1868, Woody Guthrie, American folk singer, guitarist and composer 1912, Gerald R. Ford, 38th President of the United States  1913, Ingmar Bergman, director 1918.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man went fishing one morning but after a short time, he ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bat. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.

The man released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, he felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake...with two more frogs.

Two guys from New Orleans were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear confrontations, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them and to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.

A woman walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

That's it for today, my little frisbees. Remember, the easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder". I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Saturday, July 8, 2017

My Car Died, But I Have Options


I made through my hospital stay, then my car died. With help from Brother Kirt, Sister Jeanne and some good friends, I'm in the process of getting another car. So far, so good, right? Wrong! Sister Jeanne's car committed Hari Kari and we start over, again.

Kirt and Jeanne have very helpful as I go through this rebuilding process and it breaks my heart that Jeanne's car is broken and I can't do a damned thing to help. Both of us are currently without a car and it's driving me crazy. So, we're gathering money where we can and moving on.

Nevertheless, we'll plug on and take each day as it comes. I'll keep you posted.

The News As I See It: A company in New York City has opened what some are calling a nonalcoholic cocktail bar that creates drinks using lemons and herbal ingredients instead of alcohol. And this is cool, they’re using empty chairs instead of customers.

A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit.

In a recent survey, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Chicago residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.

This Date In History: 1456; Twenty-five years after her execution, Pope Calixtus III annulled the heresy charges brought against Joan of Arc.  1797; William Blount of Tennessee became the first U.S. senator to be impeached. 1846; Commodore John D. Sloat occupied Monterey and declared California annexed to the United States.

1898; The United States annexed Hawaii. 1946; Mother Frances Xavier Cabrini, who directed the establishment of hospitals, orphanages, nurseries, and schools in the U.S. and Latin America, became the first U.S. citizen to be canonized. 

1954; An Elvis Presley recording was played on the radio for the first time. 1981; President Ronald Reagan nominated Sandra Day O'Connor for the Supreme Court. 2005; 52 people were killed and hundreds injured in London when terrorists bombed subways and a bus.

Picture Of The Day: My newest ride.......



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead. 2) The first 600 years or so of heaven are just harp lessons 3) Apparently you can't just say, "Not my circus, not my monkeys," and leave your kids at the store. 4) Sometimes I'm right. Other times my girlfriend is close enough to hear what I'm saying. 5) It's good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 7th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: Joseph Jacquard, inventor 1752, Gustav Mahler, composer, conductor 1860, Marc Chagall, painter 1887,  Leroy "Satchel" Paige, American baseball player 1906Robert A. Heinlein, science-fiction writer 1907, Pierre Cardin, fashion designer  1922, Ringo Starr, musician  1940, Michelle Kwan, figure skater  1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.

The old man responds, "I'm 90 years old." The woman says, "90 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

Two old men, Saul and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by.

Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!" The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Saul, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the word 'F*ck'."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet.

The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane."

The old man said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose. The bunny said, "Oh please excuse me. I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.

The snake replied, "That's perfectly all right. To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?" The bunny said, "Well, I really don't know. I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, you have long silky ears, a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit." The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either and the bunny agreed to examine him. When the bunny was finished the snake asked, "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery and you haven't any balls....... You must be a politician."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say, "Bite me." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 30, 2017

Fourth Of July Weekend At Daytona Int'l Speedway


It's Fourth of July Weekend and that means Nascar racing from Daytona Int'l Speedway. If you've never experienced Nascar racing on a 2.5 mile banked super speedway, you're in for a treat. The Infinity Series will run tonight and the Monster Energy Series will run Saturday night.

Dale Earnhardt Jr., the sentimental  favorite, shot to the top of the leaderboard Thursday in final Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series practice at Daytona International Speedway. An aerodynamic pull in a six-car pack carried Earnhardt to a lap of 193.328 mph in the Hendrick Motorsports No. 88 Chevrolet. Earnhardt, in his final full season of competition, is a four-time winner at the 2.5-mile track.

With so many talented drivers entered into both the Xfinity and Monster Energy race, lady luck and the ability to avoid "the big one" (Multiple car crash), may be the determining factor as to who wins the race, Good pit work and strategy will also be a factor.

Nevertheless, both tonight's race and tomorrow night's race will both be barn burners and the excitement of the close (200 mph) three abreast racing will keep you on the edge of your seats.

The XFINITY Series Coca-Cola Firecracker 250 at Daytona will start at 7:30 pm and be televised on NBCSN. The Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series Coke Zero 400 at Daytona will start at 7:30 and be televised on NBC.

At what point in time did speaking grammatically correct go out of style? Forget the average person, I'm talking about supposedly educated people on TV. When asked a question, more that half begin their answer with "So,....." The word "so" indicates a continuance of a previous thought. Ergo, no previous statement, misuse of the word.

When I hear the respondent start his reply with "So," I automatically assume he's not an English major and repetitive use of same tells me he's a C-average Bachelor of Arts graduate. And just like typical liberal television, no one calls them on or says a word.

And don't get me started on the mispronunciation of "nucular" (nuclear) or "axe" (ask).. Even worse, I love to hear the phrase, "a hard 'road' to hoe." You don't hoe a road, you hoe a (garden) row. 

The News As I See It: A man in Minnesota a man in Minnesota was arrested and he handed the officer a Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card. Then, when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, "You won a beauty contest." 

Former Georgia congressional candidate, John Ossoff, who spent over 23.6 million on his campaign (compared to republican winner Karen Handel's mere 4.5 million), said his loss for the Democrats last week shows that President Trump and chief strategist Steve Bannon "should be sweating in 2018." Sweating? Republicans are 5-0 in recent elections.

A giant cyber attack hit computer systems in Russia. In a related story, Hillary Clinton just had a great week at computer camp.

This Date In History: 1859; French acrobat Charles Blondin, AKA Jean Francois Gravelet, walked across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. 1908, A powerful natural explosion from an unknown cause rocked the Tunguska Basin, in eastern Siberia, flattening hundreds of square miles of forest and resulting in tremors that could be felt hundreds of miles away.

1921; President Warren G. Harding appointed former president William H. Taft chief justice of the United States. 1934; 1934 Adolf Hitler secured his position in the Nazi party by a "blood purge," ridding the party of other leaders such as Ernst Roehm and Kurt von Schleicher.

1936; Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind was published. 1971; The 26th Amendment, which lowered the voting age to 18, was ratified by the states. 1998; The remains of a Vietnam War serviceman buried in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers were identified as those of Air Force pilot Michael J. Blassie.

Picture Of The Day: Dale Earnhardt Jr,, wins at Daytona



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think I'm going to start a new business making T-shirts out of eyeglass cleaning cloth.  2) The only time I have worn boxer underwear was when I was in the Army. 3) (911): "What's your emergency?" (Me): "Do you think this shirt matches my pants?" (991): "Not funny, sir, I can track your call." (Me): "It's a phone booth inside a bar." (911): "Is that you Jimmy?"  4) My neighbor called my cat fat the other day. It took me two hours to convince her that she just had thick fur. 5) McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 30th: Keep an open mind because you may be getting a compliment from a member of the opposite sex that you may not understand. As long as it does not involve a whip, handcuffs and a gerbil, go with it. It'll probably be fun, Chance of romance is 44.57 percent. It can be higher if you don't mind the handcuffs.

Birthdays: Walter Ulbricht, Communist leader 1893Czeslaw Milosz, poet, essayist and novelist  1911, Lena Horne, Jazz and pop singer, dancer and actress 1917, Paul Berg, biologist 1926, Mike Tyson, boxer 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There is an Internet warning issued by the Departmet of Homeland Security. If you get an email titled; "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," Don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

Every time I walk into  AREA 51 for happy hour, I can still hear my Mother's wise words: "Jimmy, don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda for her contribution to today's stories.

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mama, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day her son came into her room holding a letter, saying "I just got some news, Mom. The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

His mother replied, "What do I think?" Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, this politically correct thing is really getting out of hand. Now you have to refer to blondes with limited intelligence as a light-haired detour off the information superhighway. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

I hope that all my friends and readers have a safe and happy Fourth of July! (I'm available for barbecues.....)

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 23, 2017

Brothers


A man stumbles to a bar and asks for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama."

The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

The News As I See It: Following losses in two special elections, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, "We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center." Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit and several democrats yelled. "Bingo!"

A Muslim model has become the first woman to appear in a hijab on the cover of Allure magazine. She also appears in a fashion spread entitled, "Ten Hot Looks for When You’re Detained at the Airport."

Ikea recently announced that it will be launching a candle collection, because what goes together better than Ikea furniture and an open flame?

It's amazing that that Dennis Rodman is visiting North Korean leader Kim Jong Un again. It's even more amazing that they are friends, especially considering Kim Jong Un doesn’t speak English and Dennis Rodman doesn’t speak English.

This Date In History: 1868; Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for an invention he called a ''Type-Writer.'' 1947; The Senate overrode President Truman's veto of the Taft-Hartley Act. 1969; Warren Burger was sworn in as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

1972; Richard Nixon and H. R. Haldeman discussed ways to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation. Revelation of this conversation spurred on Nixon's 1974 resignation. 1992; Mobster John Gotti was sentenced to life in prison.

1995; Dr. Jonas Salk, the medical pioneer who developed the first polio vaccine, died. 2003; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the University of Michigan's School of Law affirmative action policy.

Picture Of The Day: Many mango seasons ago.....



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One of the few joys in life is seeing a barefooted kid step on his own Lego. 2) When someone's telling you a horrible story and they're crying, how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog? 3) If there isn't a Chinese millionaire that has changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don't see the point of money. 4) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history, but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options.  5) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 23rd: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. The story of the tortoise and the hare will make you rethink things the coming week. Don't worry, the tortoise still wins because the hare doesn't read fairy tales.

Birthdays: Edward VIII king of Great Britain and Ireland 1894, Alan Turing computer scientist 1912, Wilma Rudolph Track and Field 1940, James Levine music director 1943, Clarence Thomas associate justice 1948, Frances McDormand actress 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. The doctor says, "Impossible! Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? The young woman replied, "Well, no, I'm actually a blonde." The doctor said, "I thought so. Your finger is broken."

The married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 4 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 2 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted and remarks, "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

His friend says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer replied, "He just gave him some pills'" His friend asks,  "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

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That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 16, 2017

Screw PC - Tell It Like It Is !


I believe in peaceful protest, but if you approach me wearing a gas mask to disguise your identity, a bat-like weapon in one hand and a rock in the other hand, I believe I will shoot you. I will automatically assume you want trouble and I will oblige.

Peaceful protests should be allowed with the understanding that wearing masks and/or carrying any weapons mean immediate arrest, fines and jail time. It's time to quit mollycoddling these assholes and take the streets back for the peaceful good people of America.

I won't go into detail as to my feelings about protesters and thugs who block traffic for a supposed cause, sometimes throwing objects at the cars they force to stop. I will tell you that I have a solution to that problem and the word "braking" is not a part of it.

The era of political correctness is gone. Police should assemble en masse and take out any and all protesters who loot, destroy property and injure people.

The News As I See It: An 18-year-old field -goal kicker could be the first woman to play in the NFL. Scouts say she has the talent and desire. All she needs now is the criminal record.

A new study reveals that more than 2 billion people worldwide are overweight or obese. And at any given time, most of them are at Disneyland the same day as you.

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United.

This Date In History: 1487; The Battle of Stoke ended the Wars of the Roses. 1858; Senate candidate Abraham Lincoln declared, "a house divided against itself cannot stand."

1904; Events in James Joyce's novel Ulysses took place on this day, which is celebrated as Bloomsday, for the main character, Leopold Bloom. 1933; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Industrial Recovery Act.

1963; Valentina Tereshkova of the USSR became the first woman in space. 1996; Russia voted in its first independent presidential election. Boris Yeltsin eventually won in a runoff.

Picture Of The Day: A peaceful protest means no masks and no weapons. If you were to enter a bank dressed like that, you would be arrested or possibly shot.



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My uncle used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got him fired. 2) Political correctness is a useless theorem that allows the few to endanger the many. It is only necessary when being polite while describing ugly babies.  3) I wonder how long it will take my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I gave her are types of lettuce? 4) It takes more than five words to say "I love you" in Hawaiian. All it really takes is a pineapple and twenty dollars for those in the know. 5) My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 16th: If there's one thing you can take for granted this week, it's that things cannot be taken for granted. Of course, this excludes apparitional appearances by Ulysses or Cary.

The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.

Birthdays: Edward Davy, physician, scientist 1806, Stan Laurel, comic actor 1890, Barbara McClintock, geneticist 1892.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

An older man, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit and smelling of an exotic cologne, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is a younger, beautiful lady.The gentleman walks over, sits along next to her and orders a scotch. He takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held and, at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, her husband cries out, "Watch out for that damned wall!"

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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