Friday, July 30, 2010

Sweets For The Sweet !

Wednesday's trip to AREA 51 turned out to be a lot of fun as my sweet Nicole was kind enough to use her car so that we could go out. My car is still giving me problems and remains disabled as we speak. I'm relatively sure I'll be getting another car soon because my Seville is undependable and is getting on my nerves.

I did remember that my cell phone has a camera and we took a couple of pictures in AREA 51. As you can see, Nicole is far more photogenic than I, but even so, the cell phone camera just doesn't get it done. I suspect that about the same time I get another car, I'll be getting a cell phone with a better camera. On a side note, Nicole did tell me to bring my new camera but I didn't listen. Methinks that I'll listen more closely to her suggestions the next time we go out.

The pictures we took in AREA 51 look fine on the cell phone but when I downloaded the pics to my computer, they are grainy and didn't come out as well. For that reason, I've also include another picture of Nicole which I took at home on different day. This photo was taken with my new Canon camera and does much more justice to Nicole.

All things considered, I forgot about my car and we had a great time. The music was good, we sang karaoke and had a few cocktails. It's funny how the company of a beautiful woman and a scotch on the rocks can take your mind off of your problems. As for my car......

The News As I See It: Because of Arizona's new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles.

Congress' approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent. Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, "Been there, done that."

President Obozo appeared on "The View" to talk about the economy. I understand he wanted go on "General Hospital" to explain to the doctors how the new healthcare system works but his advisers nixed the idea.

President Georgie "Dubya" Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of....President Bush. One conservative columnist called the timing of the book release "selfish and stupid," which, coincidentally, is also the title of the book.

Leonardo DiCaprio officially dropped out of Mel Gibson’s new Viking movie. Mel doesn’t know yet because everyone is afraid to phone him. Leonardo said he doesn’t mind playing a vicious killer who rapes and pillages, but he doesn’t want people to think he hangs out with Mel Gibson.

This Date In History: 1619; The first legislative assembly in English North America convened in Jamestown, Va. 1729; The U.S. city of Baltimore was founded. 1932; The tenth modern Olympic Games opened in Los Angeles. 1945; The USS Indianapolis was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine and sank within 15 minutes. It was one of the greatest naval losses of World War II, resulting in the deaths of nearly 900 men.

1956; The phrase "In God We Trust" was adopted as the U.S. national motto. 1965; President Lyndon Johnson signed the Medicare Bill into law. 1975; Former Teamsters union president James Hoffa was reported missing. Many suspect he was murdered, though his remains have never been found. 1980; The Republic of Vanuatu, formerly known as the New Hebrides, gained its independence from France and Britain.

Picture Of The Day: Since I started today's thoughts with Wednesday's outing with my sweet Nicole, my thoughts also turn to chocolate, since sweet seems to be the theme of the day. Chocolates are my second favorite thing.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 2) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 3) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 4) Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 5) I've discovered that I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot......and that's five !

Birthdays: Emily Brontë, author 1818, Thorstein Veblen, economist 1857, Henry Ford, American industrialist, pioneer automobile manufacturer 1863, Casey Stengel, baseball player and manager 1891, Henry Moore, sculptor 1898, Arnold Schwarzenegger, quasi-governor of California, piss poor actor 1947, Lisa Kudrow, actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: On a warm, sunny Sunday, an older man and his wife went to the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. The old man said, "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits. Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. The husband said, "Hey, let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. With an evil smile, the old man said, "Now, tell him you have a headache!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Dutch and Garnett for their contributions to today's post.

A man stopped by a Cadillac dealership yesterday for a look at the new Seville Just for fun, he took it out for a test drive. He wanted to sense that new "new car feel. The salesman, wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin, sat in the passenger seat describing the car and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your rear end in the winter and directed cool air to your rear in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with his mind, the man mentioned that this must be a Republican Cadillac. Looking a bit angry, the salesman asked the man why he thought it was Republican Cadillac. The man replied, "If it were a Democrat Cadillac, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round."

A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten long years. One day he sees a ship on the horizon and starts waving his arms until the ship heads for the shore. The captain of the ship and the man began talking and the man said, "I thought I’d never get rescued." The captain asked, "How long have you been here?" The man replied, "Ten years. The captain said, "How have you coped with all that time alone?" The man said, "Well I’m a very resourceful fellow. I built a house, learned to hunt and fish."

The captain remarked, "But ten years without sex?" The man said, "Not completely. About six months ago I was down here on the shore when I noticed an ostrich with it’s head in the sand. I crept up behind it and…" The captain said, "You poor man, that must have been horrible." The man replied, "Well it was great for the first five miles but then we got out of step."

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, he who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. AREA 51 and Happy Hour are on my to do list tonight. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Some Women Drive Me To Drink And That's Good Because My Stupid Car Broke Down Again !

Suffice to say that I'm not very happy right now because my car is having it's period and won't take me to Happy Hour. Fortunately, my lady friend will and that's good enough for me. Here's the latest:

President Obozo's new message to the American people is "things could be a lot worse." We’ve gone from "change you can believe in" to "things could be a lot worse." The sequel is never as good as the original. Obozo is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha’s Vineyard in August. Obozo was like, "This is my longest vacation ever," and voters were like, "Wait’ll you see the one we're planning for you!"

BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story Congressman Charlie Rangel, under congressional investigation for two years for tax fraud and tax evasion, has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.

My pal and news correspondent, Garnett, sent me a copy of a study conducted by USC's Department of Psychiatry. The study revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

In a similar study at USC, it was found that men are always whining that women are suffocating them. The study concluded that if the men were heard whining, the women were not applying sufficient pressure on the pillow.

No further studies are expected on these subjects.

The News As I See It: BP fired Tony Hayward as CEO and the announcement came as no real surprise. BP officials were supposedly trying to keep the move a secret, but of course the news leaked. Hayward negotiated a settlement for a reported $18 million. I guess that will teach him. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet.

Vice President Joe O'Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year and it’s time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House’s accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning.

The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized.

This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England's chief minister, Thomas Cromwell, was executed and Henry married his fifth wife, Catherine Howard. 1750; The great baroque composer Johann Sebastian Bach died. 1794; Robespierre, one of the leading figures of the French Revolution, was sent to the guillotine. 1821; Peru declared its independence from Spain.

1868; The 14th Amendment to the Constitution, which established the citizenship of African Americans and guaranteed due process of law, was ratified. 1914; Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia, precipitating the start of World War I. 1932; Herbert Hoover ordered Douglas MacArthur to evict the Bonus Marchers from their camps. 2002; Nine Pennsylvania coal miners were rescued after 77 hours of being trapped in a mine shaft.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang is working overtime coming up with funny slants on breaking news.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's easy to get some lumber, nails and a saw to try to build something. Anybody can do that. What's hard to do is take a nap while someone is hammering and sawing. 2) It would be nice if we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize peace and harmony for about an hour. Just imagine how serene and quiet it would be right up to the point where the looting would begin. 3) Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. 4) I'm beginning to wonder how bad four years with no president would be. 5) It gets scary when you start making the same noises that your coffee maker does.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal Paula. Happy Birthday baby! 19XX, Beatrix Potter, author 1866, Marcel Duchamp, painter 1887, Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis, journalist and first lady 1929, Bill Bradley, professional basketball player and politician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist. A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat." The old lady said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old. This hat is brand new!"

An old man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" The old man smiled and replied, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?" The policeman said, "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." The old man exclaimed, "Oh, thank goodness, for a minute or two I thought I'd gone deaf!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's post.

A new world record has been set by a woman for the high jump from a kneeling position. The record (27 inches), remember that this is from a kneeling position, was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.

This photograph was taken a split second before the jump, but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.

Bubba and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bubba paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?" Bubba looked down at his feet, then apologized for his emotional outburst, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bubba stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack right at this very hole." His buddy said, "Oh my God! That must have been very difficult for you!" Bubba replied, "Difficult? It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Mabel, hit the ball, drag Mabel..."

That's it for today my little periwinkles. Remember, anyone can have the body of a twenty-one year old as long as they buy her a few drinks first. Hmm...that reminds me, it's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, July 26, 2010

Monday Observations

Monday's news is always a reminder that the weekend is over and it's time to return to the real world. I'm able to cope with the reality of the first day of the work week but I sure as hell don't have to like it. Here are some observations I have made today based on today's television and radio news and reports. Most of these reports are accurate but a few may have been contrived.

I have reinforced my belief that all politicians are liars and thieves, a conclusion that I came to many years ago. Mondays are just life's way of reaffirming my beliefs. BP chief Tony Hayward is history as of tomorrow, Barack Obozo is returning to his pre-presidential shuck and jive routine in an attempt to affect the November elections and the trial of former Illinois idiot-governor Blago is wrapping up.

As for the social and entertainment circles, it seems that Lindsay Lohan is still in jail and I assume Mel Gibson is still drunk.

Free Credit, virtually tied with Extenze as the biggest unprosecuted scam in history, is still a scam but they do have a catchy new jingle. Anyone, by law, can get an actual free credit report each year from all three credit reporting companies. Extenze is still a medically proven sham and rip-off and Jimmy Johnson's johnson hasn't grown an inch but his wallet has. Who says prostitution has no reward?

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Mahatma Gandhi, a famed maker of excellent rice, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The News As I See It: According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see....we have an oil spill disaster in the Gulf, illegal immigrants and drug smugglers pouring through our southern borders, a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren't geniuses.

A new poll shows that Congress’ approval rating is at a record low of 11 percent. The other 89 percent are going to withhold judgment until Congress actually does something.

Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel was charged with multiple ethics violations. Members of Congress were stunned. They had no idea there was more than one ethic.

Budget problems are so bad in Newark, New Jersey, that the mayor has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper for public restrooms. They’re calling this the worst thing to happen to the state since "Jersey Shore."

This Date In History: 1788; New York became the 11th state in the United States. 1847; Liberia became Africa's first republic. 1908 The Office of the Chief Examiner, which in 1935 became the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), was created.

1947; President Harry S Truman signed the National Security Act, creating the Department of Defense, the National Security Council, the Central Intelligence Agency, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 1952; Argentina's first lady, Eva Peron, died in Buenos Aires at age 33.

1952; King Farouk I of Egypt abdicated after a coup led by Gamal Abdal Nasser. 1953; Fidel Castro was among a group of rebelling anti-Batistas who unsuccessfully attacked an army barracks.

Picture Of The Day: What the hell, Mondays have always been for the birds so I'm just going with the flow.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by. 2) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 3) When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies? 4) I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself. 5) Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, all while getting a raise at the same time......and that's five !

Birthdays: George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright and critic 1856, Serge Koussevitzky, conductor 1874, Carl Jung, Psychiatrist 1875 Aldous Huxley, author 1894, Salvador Allende, president of Chile 1908, Stanley Kubrick, filmmaker 1928, Charlotte Beers, advertising executive 1935, Mick Jagger, musician 1943, Helen Mirren actress 1946 Kevin Spacey actor, director 1959,
Sandra Bullock actress 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back and tells the doctor, "I don't know what you gave me, but when I pass gas, it's still silent, but it really stinks terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. The girlfriend says, "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and gasping, he peeks in and catches his folks in "the act." Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, fearing Johnny will ask more uncomfortable questions, tells Johnny that they will play "horsie" later. Johnny says, "Ok, but hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. The teacher says, "Very good Sally."

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hand. The teacher says, "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's is a zebra." The teacher replies, "Very good Billy."

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. The teacher says, "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. The teacher continues, "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out, "I know! I know! It's a horny bastard!"

That's it for today my little girls and boysenberries. Remember, alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, July 23, 2010

Junk Food: The Perfect Cure For The Late Night Munchies !

Last Wednesday was National Junk Food Day and I would be remiss in not extolling the virtues of junk food, especially late at night. Although junk food is not at the top of the list of healthy foods, it's true value is it's use as a major tool in resolving a case of the "munchies."

On any normal day, one has the option of going to almost any sit-down restaurant and eating a healthy meal or going to any of the various fast food restaurants and eating a less healthy meal. That is on any normal day......

Nighttime treks to AREA 51 are a totally different situation. Depending on how many drinks one has consumed, the time of the evening and the desires of your lady, chances are that junk food will be a guaranteed part of the evening.

There aren't many restaurants open after one o'clock in the morning and once you've made it home and checked the refrigerator, there are only a few options. For those of you that have ever been out barhopping until early in the morning, "the munchies" are just part of the program.

One of my late night favorites is pizza with garlic rolls and ice cold beer. In order to enjoy this meal, it is necessary that both myself and my lady are in agreement that we will both eat garlic rolls (The Garlic Roll Pact). Unless this agreement is in place, you should not order garlic rolls. I find this agreement useful for any romantic explorations after the meal.

So, here's to National Junk Food Day (and night)! It has been my many sources of pleasure for numerous late night events.....

Nascar stock cars will race at Indianapolis Motor Speedway on Sunday and it should be a very interesting and exciting race. If you never watched Nascar, this weekend's event would be a great time to start.

The News As I See It: Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich did not testify at his trial. He wanted to testify, but he sold his seat at the court for $100,000.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg proposed turning the city’s excess dumpsters into swimming pools. Nothing says summer in New York City like packing a picnic lunch and heading to the dumpster.

This week in 1944, a bomb intended for Adolf Hitler exploded but failed to kill him. It was a defective device called the Apple iBomb. It would have worked but Hitler was holding it wrong.Yesterday in France, there were no injuries when a passenger train hit a truck full of shampoo. However, some of the passengers are believed to be in critical conditioner.

In France yesterday, there were no deaths or injuries when a passenger train hit a truck full of shampoo. However, some of the passengers are believed to be in critical conditioner.

Odds and Ends: Sports Illustrated just reported that Tiger Woods made $90 million over the last year or as his soon-to-be ex-wife, Elin Nordegren calls it, "$45 million." The CEO of British Petroleum is leaving his job. It’s not official, it just leaked out.

This Date In History: 1829; William Burt patented a forerunner of the typewriter. 1885 Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died at Mount McGregor, N.Y., at age 63. 1914; Austria and Hungary issued an ultimatum to Serbia after the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, precipitating World War I. 1945; Vichy government leader Marshal Henri Petain went on trial for treason.
1952; Revolution erupted in Egypt as the military took power in a bloodless coup. The following year the monarchy was abolished and, for the first time since the pharaohs, Egypt was again ruled by Egyptians. 1995; The Hale-Bopp comet was discovered by Alan Hale and Thomas Bopp. 1997; Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic was sworn in as president of the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.

Picture Of The Day: Wednesday was National Junk Food Day. Today's pictures, with the help of the photoshop gang, are a tribute to some of my fondest late night "munchies" memories.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 2) You're never too old to learn something stupid. 3) A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 4) It may just be me but I greatly respect and admire anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. 5) Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one......and that's five !

Birthdays: Jane Long, early settler in Texas 1798, Raymond Chandler, author 1888, Haile Selassie, emperor of Ethiopia (1930–74) 1892, Anthony McLeod Kennedy, associate justice 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An older woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television. She suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm and purred, "Want some of this?" Her husband replied, "Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Woody for their contributions to today's post.

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew. His rifle fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." The hunter asked, "What's the bad news?"

The doctor said, "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." The hunter said, "I guess that isn't too bad. Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" The doctor answered, "Not exactly. She's a piccolo player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers on your pecker so you don't piss in your eye."

A piccolo player was performing with a band at a nightclub when a drunk in the audience yelled out, "The piccolo player is an asshole." Offended, but continuing to play, the piccolo player was in the middle of a solo during the following song when the drunk once again cried out, "The piccolo player is an asshole."

The bandleader had also heard the outbursts and after the song was over, he walked up to the microphone and said, "Who called the piccolo player an asshole?" The drunk yelled out, "Who called that asshole a piccolo player?!"

Little Johnny was visiting his friend in New York during the winter and they went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves. Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs.

So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "Yes." She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "Are they warm yet?" and the little boy said, "Yes."

Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn. His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "Yes." So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes," so she took them out.

Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face. When the mom asked "Well what is it now,Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied, "My ears are cold too!"

That's it for today my little mom and popsicles. Remember, when tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. Wednesday night in AREA 51 was temptingly delicious so I'm heading back tonight for another portion. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

New Scam Warning For Older Men !

Women are often warned about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. I am issuing a new, similar warning for older men. Being an advocate for safety, I feel it is necessary to relate details of a clever scam that was recently perpetrated.

Men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart are the target of the newest scam. Here's how it works:

Two nice looking young girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy, see-through T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts touching and crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I personally had my wallet stolen on July 3rd, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's to Home Depot to Wal-Mart.

Please send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam (the best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon).

The News As I See It: AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls.

BP's oil cap seems to be working. The cap they’re using is childproof, so it’ll never come off.

They want to build a mosque near the site of the World Trade Center. If you put a mosque there, there’s no way terrorists will blow it up. If I was in charge, I would put a mosque on top of every building in America.

This Date In History: 1861; Confederate forces won victory at Bull Run in the first major battle of the Civil War. 1873; The first train robbery west of the Mississippi was pulled off by Jesse James and his gang.

1925; In the "Monkey Trial," John T. Scopes was found guilty of violating Tennessee state law by teaching evolution. 1949; The U.S. Senate ratified the North Atlantic Treaty. 1970; The Aswan High Dam was opened in Egypt. 1998; Astronaut Alan Shepard died.

Picture Of The Day: I don't really know how I managed to mix sexy women and dogs together today, but since I'm a bit eclectic, I just leave that thought alone. Maybe it's because I had puppies on my mind.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 2) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 3) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 4) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, whack them with a baseball bat", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 5) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Jean Picard, astronomer 1620, Ernest Hemingway, American novelist and short-story writer 1899, Isaac Stern, violinist 1920, John Gardner, writer 1933, Janet Reno, U.S. Attorney General 1938, Kenneth Starr, independent counsel 1946, Garry Trudeau, political cartoonist 1948, Robin Williams, comedian 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?" He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid..."

An old man in his struggles to get up from the couch and then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's post.

A guy has a talking dog and brings it to a talent scout. He says, "This dog can speak English." The guys says to the dog, "What’s on the top of a house?" The dog replies, "Roof!" The talent agent responds, "Come on, all dogs go "roof'."

The guy says, "No, wait!" He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" The dog answers, "Rough!" The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

The guy says, "Wait, this one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. Outside, the dog turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into a man's yard. The man could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed the man into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and the man let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, the man pinned a note to his collar which read: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar which read: "He lives in a home with a nagging wife and four screaming children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door. He does this again and again with no answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy, "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

That's it for today my little butter cups. Remember, it's better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. Wednesday is Hump Day and that means Happy Hour in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !