Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween Father James !

I would like to paint you a visual image. It's Friday (T.G.I.F.), it's Halloween and Jimmy will be out and about in AREA 51 tonight to party. Heaven help us if there's a full moon, as well. I'm being pressured into wearing a "costume", but I'm really not a costume kind of guy. When I'm cornered and there's no alternative, I resort to a black shirt and black slacks.

The trick here is that I cut a strip of white cardboard from an old gift box, hook a rubber band to it and place it under my collar. Then I put on a black coat and voila! Yep, Father James at your service. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned" Me, too! Can I buy you a drink?

My pal, Emilio, used to own Krystel's Restaurant and Lounge, the former site of AREA 51. His lady friend cornered me one prior Halloween and let me know in no uncertain terms that I would be wearing a costume for that year's party. Thus was born the Father James routine and oddly enough, it has had some unusual benefits.

I went to the local 7-11 prior to going to the club, purchased a few things and put them on the counter. A young lass, who was attending another customer, turned to me and said, "Will that be all, Father?" Hmmm....I said no thank you, paid and went to my car. I did consider the possibilities, but there's just something about being struck by lightning that's kind of unnerving.

Nominations are open for this week's Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award so keep your eyes and ears open my little stealth fighters and should you turn over a rock and find a candidate, by all means nominate he, she or it.

This Date In History 1517, German theologian and religious reformer Martin Luther publishes his Ninety-Five Theses, denouncing the sale of indulgences and thus sparking the Protestant Reformation. 1954, The Suez Crisis intensifies when British and French aircraft attack and destroy the Egyptian air force.

1971, The British Standard Time experiment, which involved all-year round British Summer Time, and a “double summertime” that put the summer months two hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time, ends after three years. 1984, Indira Gandhi is assassinated by her Sikh bodyguards.

Picture Of The Day I found this haunted house while perusing the 'net and I really liked it, so I thought I'd share it with you. If you read Wednesday's entry you might recall a certain picture and the description of where the artist got his inspiration. With that in mind, I give you a picture of that certain someone's residence.

Birthdays John Evelyn, writer and government official 1620, John Keats, English poet 1795, Marie Laurencin, French painter 1885, Chiang Kai-shek, Chinese statesman 1887, Michael Collins, American astronaut 1930.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The Cowboy (my thanks to Garnett for this ditty).

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. When she tried to take the step, she discovered that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, "It's what mommy calls me some times". The little girl turns to her brother and says, "Don't eat it, Bobby, it's an asshole!!!"

When I was born, God gave me the choice between two fantastic gifts. I could have a great photographic memory or I could be the world's greatest lover........

Shit! Now I forgot what I was going to tell you!

That's it for today my little ghastly ghosts. Have a happy Halloween, a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

It's Hump Day And I'm Heading To AREA 51

Today is the last Wednesday before the presidential election next Tuesday and time for my weekly visit to AREA 51 for happy hour and the ramblings and discussions of sports and current events.

One of the more interesting items that I'm sure will be discussed is a recent report from Fox News' Greta Van Susteren. She said Tuesday that Miami Dolphins owner Wayne Huizinga is attempting to sell the team prior to next year in the fear that should Barack Hussein Obama become president, he will lose millions of dollars due to the proposed capital gains tax increase. Methinks that everyone except welfare recipients and illegal aliens will be suffering the same consequences.

I'm not complaining, but have you noticed that all the weather persons on local television channels are beautiful women who look like they just came down from a dance pole? While they all seem to be quite adept and knowledgeable at their weather jobs, It came to mind that I haven't seen an older person (especially a man) in that position in a long while.

While that same position on national news levels seems to reserved for fat, black men, the local weather person profile seems to be reserved for the beautiful cheerleader types. Of course, if I'm watching the weather report and my option is between watching Al Roker or a Miami Dolphin cheerleader........

This Date In History: 1618; Sir Walter Raleigh is beheaded for treason under a sentence given against him 15 years earlier.1787; The opera Don Giovanni, by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, is premiered in Prague. 1923; Turkey is proclaimed a republic with Mustafa Kemal as president.

1929; On “Black Tuesday” of the Wall Street Crash, stock market prices in the United States collapse, marking the start of the worldwide Great Depression. 1991; The Galileo space probe takes the first close-up photograph of an asteroid in space.

PictureOf The Day Staying with the Halloween theme, I particularly wanted to show this picture of a Halloween pumpkin. The artist who carved this pumpkin is a close friend of mine and I'm proud to say that I aided my friend in the carving of the pumpkin by furnishing him with a picture of my ex-Mother-In-Law to use as a guide.

Birthdays My daughter, Jeannie - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Jean Giraudoux, French playwright, novelist, and diplomat 1882, Fanny Brice, American entertainer 1891, Joseph Goebbels, German propagandist 1897.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

There were twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge newspaper, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" Her sister said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!".

The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together". Again, the deaf twin said, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" Her sister answered, "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So they wiggled up close to each other.

The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little". The deaf twin said, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" Her sister replied, "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

The deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

The hospital staff wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where they were preparing for the activities for her 100th birthday. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some of the hospital staff members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the staff grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the staff members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

Soon thereafter, her nephew arrived, came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

That's it for today, my little flatulators. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 27, 2008

Who Are You Going To Believe? Me, Or Your Lying Eyes And Ears?

The media, both print and electronic, has historically been the public's only source of real information. In the past, while keeping in mind the tenet "don't believe anything you hear," one could amass a consensus of information from these various media formats to make an educated decision.

I am disturbed lately by the "spin" currently being used by different news organizations as to the veracity of things that occur daily and especially in the world of politics. To put it in simple terms, if the color of a car is scientifically termed blue in the color spectrum, then the various news agencies could easily describe the color as midnight blue, sky blue, dark blue, etc., and still be considered to be accurate. If, however, one news agency calls the color black and another news agency describes it as green, then something is wrong.

Therein lies the dilema. In today's media, there are many news agencies who seem to have an agenda. They report the news with their own particular slant, which promotes any gains or aspirations that suit them, either financially or as to their own doctrines. This disturbing behavior is troubling and can have a very profound effect on the future of the media, the supposed last bastion of truth. With the knowledge that everyone sees things in their own particular light and their reports will reflect that concept, it insults my intelligence when a thunder storm is called a hurricane by one particular news agency and another news agency calls it a light rain.

So, what's it going to come down to? Is this the future of journalism? Will the news agencies become the same as churches and you go to your own particular agency to hear the news that you want to hear? Will the news agencies use the largest power in the land to promote their own particular monetary or political goals?

It is time for the American public to rise to the occasion and demand the straight truth from accredited national news organizations without slant or distortion.

On a similar note, my cat Shithead, author of Possum's Journal, made an entry on Saturday wherein he inferred that I came home late Friday night (Saturday morning) from my trek to AREA 51 and suggested that I went to sleep in my recliner. While I did, in fact, return home late that particular evening and I did, in fact, spend time with my pals (including the esteemed Johnny W. Black), I chose to watch television in lieu of going directly to bed and there were times that I closed my eyes.

While Mr. Hemmingway may refer to that as sleeping (or midnight blue), I refer to it as merely checking my eyelids for holes (or sky blue). This, again, depending on which of the two journal-media sites you chose to believe, borders on slander. This irresponsible report is because Possum S. Hemmingway is out of touch and unstable. He is also behind in the polls. You may read Possum's Journal by clicking this link.

This Date In History 1811 Spanish doctor and theologian, Michael Servetus, is burned at the stake, on orders of John Calvin, for heresy and blasphemy against Christianity. 1967 The Abortion Act is passed after a free vote in the House of Commons, meaning that abortions can be performed legally at up to 28 weeks' gestation. 1971 President Mobutu Sese Seko changes the name of the Republic of Congo to Zaïre in order to return the country to African authenticity.

Picture Of The Day Halloween is on its way and the Friday night party in AREA 51 should be rather interesting. Although some of the regulars have been accused of wearing their Halloween costumes year round, I look forward to the party and the costumes.

Birthdays James Cook, naval officer, cartographer, and explorer 1728, Niccolò Paganini, Italian composer and violin virtuoso 1782, Theodore Roosevelt, 26th president of the United States 1858, Roy Lichtenstein, American painter 1923, Sylvia Plath, American poet and novelist 1932.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming My thanks to my pal, Garnett, for the following story...

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir:

Enclosed please find a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Ace Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Ace Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Ace Costume Co.

That's it for today, my little trick or treaters. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 24, 2008

If You Even Remotely Understand, You Can Identify !

The advent of the remote control was a welcome breakthrough in technology and changed the lives of many people. It changed my life substantially as prior to it's invention, I was my father's remote control. It became rather pleasant not to hear the words, "Jimmy, change the TV to channel four."
I recently received a new DVD player as a gift and with it came it's own remote control. As I was leafing through the instruction manual, I casually laid the "remote" on the table next to my recliner and when I turned to pick it up again, I noticed that it was somewhere in the midst of six other remotes. That's when the phrase, "Houston. we have a problem," began to echo in my mind. I looked again at the instruction manual for the brand name of the DVD player, picked up the corresponding remote and finished programming the DVD player.

My first reaction to so many remotes was the complexity, but I reasoned that as I used each piece of equipment, I would use the corresponding remote. What could possibly go wrong? Let me tell you what did go wrong!
Scenario number one: I am watching the news and I have to go to the bathroom. I place the "universal" remote beside the "television" remote and walk to the bathroom. When I come out of the bathroom, there's snow and no picture on the television, however the sound is at its maximum. I look to the TV stand next to my recliner and my cat, Shithead, is sitting on the two remotes.While the television blares at ear-piercing levels, I begin pressing buttons and, of course, not a damned thing happens! After jerking the television electrical plug out of it's socket and yelling obscenities at Shithead, the room finally become quiet. After an hour of re-reading the cable and television remote manuals, I finally restore order.
Scenario number two: After a great Friday evening in AREA 51, I return home accompanied by a lady friend. While pouring cocktails for us, my friend suggest that we put on a few CDs. She selects the music that she likes and I put them in the CD player. Unfortunately, dexterity is not one of the outstanding features derived from drinking Johnny Walker Black and the not only does the CD player fail to comply with my wishes, but the TV turns on with snow, no picture, and the obligatory highest maximum sound obtainable. Upon seeing this my cat, Shithead, hightails it for the closet thinking, "Boy, is she gonna get yelled at!" We unplugged all the devices and retired for the night.
I'm told that the "universal" remote is the answer for so many other remotes, but I can't always rely on being of sound mind. I think the answer is somewhat like what my father used as a remote (that being me). I guess I'll just adopt a kid from India for use as my remote control.
Friday has thankfully arrived and it's time for my sojourn to AREA 51. My car has been giving me problems lately, so I'm either going to go with my pal, Emilio or one of my lovely lady friends. With no offense to my pal, Emilio, I hope it's with one of the ladies. What the hell, I know how to work the CD player now.
The Cat's Ass Trophy has no nominees this week as of yet, but I'm sure you guys will find a suitable nominee in the plethora of available candidates. Nominations are open until Monday at noon.
This Date In History 1901; Schoolteacher Anna Edson Taylor becomes the first person to survive a trip over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel, initiating a stunt tradition. 1945; Vidkun Quisling, the Norwegian politician whose collaboration with the Nazis during World War II made his name synonymous with “traitor”, is executed. 1945; The United Nations formally comes into existence.
Picture Of The Day There's just something about sunsets in South Florida that just injects a bit of magic into the air. This is one of my favorites and I hope you enjoy it.

Birthdays James Sherman, 27th vice-president of the United States (1855) Rafael Trujillo, dictator of the Dominican Republic (1891) Moss Hart, American playwright and stage director (1904).
The Hits Just Keep On Coming
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!""I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his testicles. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." The woman says, "And what's your name?" The man replies, "Beertits."
That's it for today, my little fireflies. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Reason That Sharks Don't Attack Attorneys Is Professional Courtesy !

Late night television is a great way to find an attorney. At this time of the night, anyone who is awake probably needs an attorney. They're on every channel and there's many to choose from. A typical commercial usually begins with a very extinguished (pun intended) older gentleman standing in front of twelve million law books. Your first reaction is that a man with so many law books has to be smart. Then, the man says, "Hello. I'm Marvin Goldberg. Are you between the ages of zero and one hundred and fifty?" I thought. "Wow, I'm quaified."

Marvin continues, "Have you been in a store and slipped, fallen down, shoplifted, passed gas or otherwise suffered? Have you been involved in an accident, incident, precedent or Efferdent?"

"Do you suffer from pain, fatigue, ague, flatulence, diarrhea, pigeon toes, crows feet, pigs feet, rabbits feet, knock knees, weak knees, trenchmouth or buyer's remorse? Does your chewing gum lose it's flavor on the bedpost overnight?"

"If you suffer from any of these problems or maladies you may be due money. The firm of Goldberg, Greenberg, Iceberg, Pittsburgh, Lipschitz, Weiner, Cheetem, Fleecem and Screwem can help you. We have over three and one third years experience handling these types of cases, with the exception of Lipschitz, who gave up a lucrative practice representing Wall Street brokers until their recent demise."

"For a free consultation that is absolutely useless, will tell you absolutely nothing, but will allow us to discover if we've got a sure thing, please call 1-800 Up Yours."

It's Hump Day and a fine reason to mosey over to AREA 51 and see my pals. I'm torn between going this evening or going there tomorrow evening because I understand that there's a lady performing there on Thursdays. Word has it that she sings, as well. Maybe I'll just go both days. We'll see.

This Date In History 1520, Ferdinand Magellan sails from the Atlantic Ocean into the treacherous passage to the Pacific Ocean that is now named after him, the Strait of Magellan. 1805, The Royal Navy, led by Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson, defeats a combined French and Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar, ensuring British domination of the seas for more than a century. 1879, Thomas Edison successfully tests the first electric light bulb.

1096, Peter the Hermit, apostle of the First Crusade, is absent when his Crusade is destroyed by the Ottoman Turks shortly after it leaves Constantinople for Asia Minor. 1878, The Land League, a political organization important in the history of Irish nationalism, is founded in Dublin with Charles Parnell as its first president. 1858, The light opera, Orpheus in the Underworld, by Jacques Offenbach, famous for its Cancan dancing, premiers in Paris.

Picture Of The Day Word is that all the news magazines are getting a little bit freaky with their undercover reporting. I'm not too sure how much of it is valid, but I'm one hundred percent sure that it amuses me.

Birthdays: Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist, inventor, and philanthropist 1833, Sir Georg Solti, Hungarian-British conductor and pianist 1912, Dizzy Gillespie, American jazz trumpeter 1917, Malcolm Arnold, composer, trumpeter, and conductor 1921, Ursula Le Guin, American science-fiction writer 1929.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. The doctor says, "Yes, your dog is dead." The Lady asks, "How much do I owe you?" The doctors says, "$345" The woman yells, "$345!!? For what?" The doctors says, "$45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" The man said, "There's something wrong with my penis." The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." The man says, "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you."

The receptionist said, "We do not use language like that here. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" The man says, "There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" The man says, "I can't piss out of it."

That's it for today my little peanut clusters. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 20, 2008

Powell Endorses Obama - Jimmy Endorses Johnny Walker Black !

Friday's journey to AREA 51 turned out to be a very enjoyable evening. I went to Lakes Cafe and Pub around 10:30 pm and the Karaoke Show was in full swing. Once again, the place was packed and there's been a lot of new faces there. If I was real bright, I would have taken some pictures with my cell phone, but I never seem to remember (unless I'm with one of my lady friends). Maybe next week, I'll just pin a note to my shirt along side the usual note with my name and address and a "reward if found" message written on it.

I left Lakes around 1:00 and headed over to The Billiards Club. I don't know why, but there was just some urge to go there and lo and behold, my sweet Nicole arrived five minutes after I arrived. Needless to say, that made my evening and maybe there was just a little Karma in the air as I had not seen Nicole for about three weeks. What the hell, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn now and then. I have no idea what time I got home, but it took some time to wipe the smile off my face.

Not that I'm biased but congratulations to Florida's Tampa (Devil) Rays who defeated the Boston Red Sox in game seven of the American League Championship by the score of 3-1. They go on to play the National League Champion Philadelphia Phillies in game one of the World Series on Wednesday.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (Cat) Award had two nominations last week. Sherry nominated "the RNC and their affiliates for the drastic steps they have taken recently to hold on their power .." Garnett nominated Casey Anthony, mother of missing Caylee Anthony who was recently indicted by an Orlando Grand Jury on murder charges. As far as importance goes, the judges (my cat Shithead and I) have decided that Casey Anthony far and away deserves the CAT Award.

As to the RNC, we completely agree that they are also deserving of the CAT Award. I would be remiss however, not to point out that both parties, along with the two respective jerks they have nominated and support, have stooped to the lowest of low levels, making a joke of the run for the presidency. The Cat's Ass Trophy goes to both Casey Anthony and The Republican National Committee.

This Date In History 1818 Britain and the United States sign a diplomatic convention establishing a boundary between the United States and British North America, now Canada, along the 49th parallel. 1973 Sydney Opera House is officially opened by Elizabeth II. 1988 Nature magazine reports that the Turin Shroud, venerated for centuries by some Christians as the burial garment of Jesus Christ, has been carbon dated to the medieval period.

Picture Of The Day This man is General Colin Powell, who has endorsed Barack Obama for the presidency of the United States of America. This man is: a) A career military leader b) A life long republican c) A chamelion. Answer: All of the above, but, once a frog, always a frog.

Birthdays My pal, Lourdes, happy birthday baby! 19XX, Sir Christopher Wren, architect, scientist, and mathematician 1632, Colin Campbell, field marshal 1792, Arthur Rimbaud, French poet 1854, Charles Ives, American composer 1874, James Chadwick, British physicist and Nobel laureate, who is best known for his discovery in 1932 of one of the fundamental particles of matter, the neutron 1891Anna Neagle, actress 1904.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing. "Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked. "Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off. The service station attendant asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman replied, "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

The service station attendant said, "Lady, Indians ride bareback."

That's it for today my little pigeon toes. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 17, 2008

It's Friday And Time To Party !

Friday has always been my favorite day of the week because I mentally shut out the problems of the world around 5:00 and begin preparations for the evening festivities. I''m heading over to AREA 51 this evening and although I don't have any agenda, I'll rely on serendipity as to my destination. I'm sure that sooner or later, I'll end up at Lakes Cafe, but for some odd reason, I feel like going to The Billiards Club, as well. I think I'll leave it up to Betsy (my car), to decide. She usually makes wise choices.

I want to congratulate all of the former AOL journalists now using Blogspot for their quick adaption to the features offered here. In my visits to other journals I have found some very elegant pages and layouts and they really look very nice.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award has no nominees as of today, but with the daily headlines being what they are lately, I'm sure there's one or two possible nominees hiding under a rock. Nominations are open until 12:00 noon on Monday.

This Date In History: 1777; TheThe surrender of Major General John Burgoyne at the Battles of Saratoga sees a significant defeat for Britain in the American War of Independence. 1931; Gangster Al Capone is jailed for 11 years for tax evasion. 1933; Fleeing Nazi oppression in Germany, Albert Einstein emigrates to the United States.

1973; The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) cuts oil production in protest against the support of Western nations for Israel in the Yom Kippur War. 1989; An earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter scale strikes San Francisco, California.

Picture Of The Day: Being your humble public servant, I'm always looking for good deals around the Internet to offer for your consideration and I became very nostalgic when I saw the banks and toaster offers of yesteryear. Admittedly, there have been a few minor changes, but it still kinda brings a tear to my eye.

Birthdays: John Wilkes, political leader and reformer 1727, George Buchner, German dramatist 1813, John Paul I, 263rd pope 1912, Rita Hayworth, American film actress, dancer, and singer 1918.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.

The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of thirty." The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"

The first man said, "You probably could, if you took two pills."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knocking, there's no paper on this side either".

Into an Irish pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you? Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight."

Sean says,"O'Conner?, he couldn't do that to you. He must of had something in his hand." Paddy 'says, " That he did! A shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it" Sean says, "You should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

Paddy says, " That I did, it was Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

That's it for today my little fur balls. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

It's Hump Day !

It's Hump Day and I, for one, am ready for a trip to AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe and Pub. The last couple of weeks have been trying on all of us, not only with the economy but with the pilgrimage to our new home. It hasn't been easy having to learn all these new tricks, but I'm rather proud of our J-Land community for it's quick adjustment.
So, like any other camel herder, I'll be off to the AREA 51 oasis for some rest and recreation. It'll be fun to see my pals and catch up on the local, news.
I'd like to welcome my pal, Jackie, author of Life In Bama to Blogspot. Jackie was one of my first readers and has also become one of my best pals. Please take time to click the above link and stop by to visit Jackie, one of the first honorary members of AREA 51. I appreciate it!
This Date In History: 1815: Napoleon I arrives on the island of St Helena to begin his final exile. 1917: Mata Hari is executed by the French after being suspected of spying for Germany during World War I. 1928: The Graf Zeppelin airship makes the first-ever commercial transatlantic flight. 1945: Pierre Laval, prime minister of Nazi-occupied Vichy France, is executed by firing squad for treason against France.
1946: Hermann Göring poisons himself two hours before his scheduled execution for war crimes during World War II. 1894: French army officer Alfred Dreyfus is arrested for spying, beginning the Dreyfus Affair, one of the most controversial episodes in French history.
Picture Of The Day A pictoral salute to all AREA 51 members, to My Perfect Martini (you know who you are) and to my pal, Anne, author of Saturday's Child and who provided me with this shot.
Birthdays: Virgil, Roman poet (70 BC), P. G. Wodehouse, Anglo-American writer (1881), Friedrich Neitzsche, German philosopher and poet (1844), J. K. Galbraith, Canadian-born American economist (1908), Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., American historian (1917).
The Hits Just Keep On Coming
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
There are many stories related to the sinking of the Titanic. Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as... Sinko de Mayo.
Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of Cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.....right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
The blonde says confidently,"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
That's it for today, my little cork screws. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Cat's Ass Trophy Is Awarded To AOL !

My Friday sojourn to AREA 51 at Lakes Cafe and Pub was great. Operating only their second week under new ownership, the place was jumping when I arrived. The karaoke show was in full swing and I noticed many new faces among the regular crowd. I'm hoping that the planned changes and renovations go smoothly. As for me, I arrived home around 3:00 am, easily beating the paper boy in the race to my front door.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (Cat) Award: Last week, Jude, author Of My Way Again, nominated those idiots responsible for the discontinuation of AOL Journals. The esteemed judges (my cat Shithead and myself) pored over the nomination for a good thirty seconds before unanimously voting a resounding yes!

Although shutting down AOL Journals may have been a blessing in disguise by way of introducing many AOl journalists to Blogspot, the havoc wreaked on the minds and nerves of all of us is unforgivable. The CAT Award goes to AOL !

ACORN (the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now), is the nation's largest community organization of low and moderate income families and tries to get low-income people registered to vote. It is now under investigation in thirteen key swing states for voter fraud, a felony offense. Any thoughts?

This Date In History 1775: The Continental Congress authorizes construction and administration of the first American naval force. 1792: In Washington, D.C., the cornerstone of the White House is laid. 1943: Italy, switching allegiances, declares war on Germany. 1964: The Voskhod 1, the first spacecraft to carry a multi-person crew, returns to earth.

Picture Of The Day Today's slideshow continues with the changing leaves of Autumn.

Birthdays: Molly Pitcher, heroine of the American Revolution (1754), Rudolf Virchow, German pathologist (1821), Margaret Thatcher, Britain's first female prime minister (1925), Paul Simon, singer and musician (1941).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

Barack Obama is out jogging and he passes a young boy selling puppies. "Buy a puppy, Sir?" asks the lad. Obama says, "Oh no, sorry, we already have a cat." The boy says, "But they are Democrat puppies, sir," asserts the enterprising lad. Obama smiles, but again declines. The boy nods and Obama jogs on.

The next day Obama is jogging by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies. As Obama jogs by, he overhears the youth telling the potential customer, "But sir, these are Republican puppies." Obama stops and says "Young man yesterday you told me those were Democrat puppies, and today you are saying they are Republican puppies?" The child says, "yes sir."

Obama then asks, "Well, if they were Democrat puppies yesterday, how could they be Republican puppies today?" The boy says, "Well sir, since then, they opened their eyes."

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair. Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making! Who else but a politician could figure out how to sneak up on the populace and screw them when they weren't paying attention?

Authors Note: Anyone having problems understanding today's hits, please repeat the following words slowly and then repeat them rapidly several times: I AM SO WE TODD IT !

That's it for today, my little chick peas. More tomorrow.

Stay Tuned !