Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year !

The partying behavior throughout the holiday season seems to center around drinking. This drinking culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you actually kiss the person you're married to.

Actually, the only intelligent way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.

As we head into the new year, Barry "the anointed one" Obama, in his infinite wisdom, has ended the pay freeze on federal employees, giving workers, ranging from Joe Biden to members of Congress and the Supreme Court, a raise. Obama signed the executive order last Thursday, The Weekly Standard reports.

The country is getting ready to go "off the fiscal cliff" and this idiot gives pay raises? Obviously, the White House elitists don't give a rats ass about the nation or the economy, but he makes sure all the assholes in the white house and congress get a raise.

The News As I See It: In sports, The Chicago bears defeated the Detroit Lions by a score of 26 to 24. In the waning moments of the game, Detroit ran a play where the receiver got open, caught the ball and was running for a touchdown but a Chicago player shot him before he scored. As usual in these types of cases in Detroit and Chicago, there were no witnesses.

Kim Kardashian is pregnant via Kanye West (?). The pregnancy helps solve West's inferiority complex and allows Kardashian to continue in her father's footsteps of getting blacks off.

This Date In History: 1879; Thomas Edison gave the first public demonstration of an electric incandescent lamp. 1938; The first breath test for drivers, "drunkometer," was introduced in Indianapolis.

1946; President Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II. 1961; The Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.

1963; Central African Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland was formally dissolved. 1964; The al-Fatah guerrillas of Yasser Arafat launched their first terrorist raid on Israel. 1987; Robert Mugabe sworn in as Zimbabwe's president.

Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year !

"Happy New Year to you, too"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. 2) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why and when a ten-year married man looks happy, we still wonder why. 3) Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.  4) An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the guests leave along with the old year.  5) A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 31st: Tantalizing new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today. Early evidence may be the plethora of Happy New Year signs hanging about. The faster you travel today, the more likely you are to be stopped by the police and given a speeding ticket. If asked why you were speeding, do not respond by saying that you wanted to get there before you forgot where you were going.

Birthdays: My pals Herbert, Mercy and Pat - Happy Birthday my friends 19XX, Jacques Cartier, explorer 1491, Charles Cornwallis, general 1738, Henri Matisse, French Artist 1869, Elizabeth Arden, beautician, business executive 1878, George C. Marshal,l general and cabinet member 1880, Simon Wiesenthal, writer, activist 1908, Anthony Hopkins, actor 1937, Ben Kingsley, actor 1943, John Denver, entertainer 1943, Connie Willis, writer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and says, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has serviced all of my neighbor's cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"

The farmer said, "I don't really know. He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to all my pals who have made contributions throughout the year and help make Jimmy's Journal a fun place to visit.

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman, who asked, "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?"

Daniel answered, "I'm on my way to a lecture." The policeman asked sarcastically, "And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" Daniel slurred grimly, "My wife."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.

That's it for today, my little revelers. Remember, now is the time to make your annual New Year's resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

That's it for now. Happy New Year to all. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 28, 2012

Preparing For New Year's Eve Parties

Preparations are beginning for New Years Eve parties and I'm trying to figure a way to attend them without any incidents so drinking and driving is out of the question. Last year, I was out with a few friends and after several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before. What made matters worse was all that stopping and starting for passengers. None of them had the correct change.

A few of them were pissed because they had to spend the night at my house but they got over it when I explained that the last New Year's Eve party, I took a plane home and I don't even have a pilot's license. What made matters worse was I was headed to New York but I confused La Guardia with Guadalajara. I bought serapes for everyone so it turned out okay. 

The News As I See It: Eric Boswell, Charlene Lamb and Raymond Maxwell, Barry Obama's fall guys for the Benghazi massacre and subsequent pre-election cover-up, are still on the payroll after being relieved of, or resigning from, their state department posts in the Benghazi tragedy. In the interim, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton evidently is still suffering from the "Benghazi Flu" and has not been heard from.

The State of Kentucky has terminated confederate pensions effective this year. When questioned about this move, 154-year-old Confederate veteran Elijah Johnson lamented that this would severely restrict and harm his standard of living.

This Date In History: 1065; Westminster Abbey consecrated. 1832; John C. Calhoun became the first vice president in U.S. history to resign from office. 1846; Iowa became the 29th state in the United States.

1869; William F. Semple patented chewing gum. 1895; The Lumiere Brothers gave the first commercial movie show at the Grand Cafe in Paris. 1937; Composer Maurice Ravel died in Paris at age 62.

1945; Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance. 1981; Elizabeth Jordan Carr, the first American test-tube baby, was born in Norfolk, Virginia.

Picture Of The Day: Remember.....

Every breath you take, every move you make, every step you take, I'll be watching you

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm usually one of the first to jump to confusion. 2) Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don’t forget that they forgave and forgot. 3) If I had a nickname, I would like the name "Lefty". It wouldn't make much sense since I'm right-handed, but I've never heard of anyone nicknamed "Righty." 4) The term "politically correct" is a useless theorem that allows the rights of a few to trample the rights of many. It should only be used when describing ugly babies and ugly people. 5) They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 28th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renowned liars. Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time someone you care for comes near. That notwithstanding, buzzards are not an integral part of the picture.

Birthdays: Eliza Lucas Pinckney, horticulturist 1722, Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States 1856, Earl "Fatha" Hines, jazz pianist 1903, Stan Lee, writer, editor 1922, Simon Raven, writer 1927, Manuel Puig, novelist 1932, Dame Maggie Smith, actress 1934, Denzel Washington, actor 1954, Ray Bourque, hockey player 1960, Linus Torvalds, computer scientist 1969, John Legend, singer, songwriter, pianist 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." Henry said, "I recall that and you did it to save my life so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."

Martha said, "Alright. Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That woman is wearing the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: From the forlorn love files of Abigail Van Buren, author of Dear Abby.

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. It's the usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Worried Sick in Indiana

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of the drunks says, "I sure wish I could do that!" The other drunk looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."

Some of the most beautiful women in the world use Preparation H on their face which reduces the appearance of bags and wrinkles and works quite well. I tried it under my eyes once and it really does work. I quit using it though because it made me feel like an asshole.

That's it for today, my little wild flowers. Remember, a chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Morning After

Slowly but surely, I'm learning that my recovery time after staying out all night is growing longer. The unfortunate part is that I never remember this point during my night out on the town. It is only the next morning when these words return to haunt me.

Nevertheless, I look forward to New Year's Eve because if I've ever learned anything in life, it's the fact that memories of a great night outweigh the ominous clouds of the consequences.

On a sad note actor Jack Klugman, star of the television shows "The Odd Couple" and "Quincy" recently passed away at the age of 90. Rest in peace, Mr. Klugman.

The News As I See It: A week after the Newtown massacre, The Journal News in White Plains, New York, published an interactive Google Map with the names and addresses of gun permit owners in select New York cities. While legal, this is a completely irresponsible use of the Freedom of Information act and the Journal's actions angered me.

My anger turned into glee when a Connecticut lawyer posted the phone number and addresses of the Journal‘s staff, including a Google Maps satellite Image of the Publisher’s home. In Christopher Fountain's blog post, he wrote, "I don’t know whether the Journal’s publisher Janet Hasson is a permit holder herself, but here’s how to find her to ask."

The double irony here is that open data was heralded as a tool of enlightened civic dialog, and has been co-opted for fierce partisanship, bordering on public endangerment. Who says that Bloggers have no impact on social matters? Well done, Mr. Fountain !

This Date In History: 1776; George Washington defeated the Hessians at Trenton. 1865; James H. Nason received a patent for a coffee percolator. 1966; The first Kwanzaa is celebrated. 1972; The 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman, died in Kansas City, Mo.

1985; Zoologist Dian Fossey was found murdered in Rwanda. 1996; JonBenet Ramsey was found murdered in her Boulder, Colo., home. 2004; In the Indian Ocean, a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, the largest in 40 years, triggered a tsunami that ultimately killed more than 280,000.

Picture Of The Day: Proud as a peacock......!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 2) I also got a new shirt and a piece of ass for Christmas. They were both too big. 3) I find it ironic how the colors red, white and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you. 4) When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.  5) Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 26th: Old wives tales aren't smutty recollections of sexual conquests. That said, you're doing really well. Keep it up. I know, I know. By "keep it up", I mean continue in the proper direction.

Birthdays: My pals Jennifer, Mary and Yvette - Happy Birthday ladies ! 19XX, Frederick II, Holy Roman emperor 1194, George Dewey, admiral 1837, Mao Zedong, Founder of People's Republic of China 1893, Steve Allen, comedian, actor, author 1921, Carlton Fisk, baseball player 1947, Jared Leto, actor 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older lady, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text, which read, "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." Her husband replied, "I'm taking a dump. What should I do?

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Susie for her contribution to today's stories.

Ostensibly, a true story submitted by a teacher:

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.

They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Some times they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night.....early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

That's it for today, my little jingle belles. Remember, when tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. The chances of my going to AREA 51 are 50-50 being that I am just beginning to able to feel my toes after my Christmas Eve foray.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas !

Some of you may or may not be aware that as you get older, your brain occasionally goes on vacation without letting you know. You eventually learn from this. Then, when you suddenly find yourself wondering where you are and why are you're there, you don't panic.

Rather, you stand there for a moment or two and try to retrace you last known position hoping to recreate the thought you may or may not have had. Additionally, you learn not to wear your dazed and bewildered look as this can lead to having predators follow you like buzzards over a dying animal. It also stops other seniors near you from laughing or pointing at you.

Early signs of this malady usually begin with simple things like looking for five minutes for your glasses only to realize that they are on top of your head. Another frequent mishap is to go from room A to room B and upon arrival, not having the slightest idea of why you are there.

Occasional loss of thought and the innate inability to remember some one's name are a constant bother especially when you can remember the words to every song written since the beginning of time.

But fret not my little puppies. In order to reach this stage, you have to have lived a long, full life with beautiful memories and a lifetime of both good and bad memories, usually more of the former and less of the latter. The best part is that eventually, you'll be able to hide your own Easter eggs and meet new friends every day.....

The News As I See It: Obama announced that he's giving all federal employees Christmas Eve off. And when Joe Biden heard that he asked, "But not Santa, right?"

There's a photo going around with Obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, "Shouldn't you be fighting the Green Goblin?" And the kid was like, "Shouldn't you be working on the fiscal cliff?" The kid was really excited to meet Obama, while Joe Biden was really excited to meet Spider-Man.

I went to see "Lincoln" and I think it's a precise historical document. I was flabbergasted to realize that President Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, wore pantsuits.

A Michigan lawyer has been arrested for manufacturing crystal meth in his office. I hope the fact that this guy's a lawyer doesn't send the message that somehow all meth dealers are sleaze balls.

As we get closer to Christmas, the Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you're desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night to buy a tree. The tag said, "Needles sold separately."

This Date In History: 1524; Portuguese navigator Vasco da Gama died in Cochin, India. 1814; The War of 1812 between America and Britain ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent. 1818; "Silent Night" was composed by Franz Joseph Gruber.

1865; The Ku Klux Klan was formed in Pulaski, Tennessee. 1871; Giuseppe Verdi's opera Aida premiered in Cairo, Egypt, at the opening of the Suez Canal.

1943; Gen. Dwight Eisenhower was appointed supreme commander of Allied Forces by President Franklin Roosevelt. 1992; President Bush pardoned former defense secretary Caspar Weinberger and five others in the Iran-Contra scandal.

Picture Of The Day: The Lynx

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to have French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 2) For Christmas, I want Santa's list of naughty girls. 3) Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 4) A man voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas. 5) Don't drink and drive during the holidays! Last year, I was out with a few friends and after several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 24th: The post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that for once is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder. If it's a nice gift and there's no return address on it, it's from me. Merry Christmas! It took hours to find the perfect gift for you.

Birthdays: Kit Carson, American frontiersman and guide 1809, James Prescott Joule, physicist 1818, Juan Ramón Jiménez, lyric poet 1881, Howard Hughes, business executive 1905, Ava Gardner, actress 1922, Mary Higgins Clark, novelist 1931, Ricky Martin, singer 1971, Ryan Seacrest, TV personality 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Christmas and Hanukkah holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel and declared "Case dismissed!"

The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews, in addition to Hanukkah, they have Yom Kippur and Passover. Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter, even celebrate the atheists' holiday!" The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?" The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date - April 1st!"

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty luxury cars?" The guy replied, "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Lexus?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. He said to his wife, "I think it's raining." She replied, "No, that felt more like snow to me." He went on, "No, I'm sure it was just rain."

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them. The husband said, "Let's not fight about it. let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?" He replied, "It's raining, of course" and walked on.

The woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!" To which the husband quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ.

One day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?" Russ replied, "I have been in jail. Sam exclaimed, "Jail? What in the world for?"

Russ said, "You know Susie, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go?" Sam said, 'Yeah, I remember her. What about her?" Russ said, "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.' The judge gave me 30 days for perjury." 

That's it for today, my little elves. Remember, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. That's it for now. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 21, 2012

Psych !

Stupid Mayans ~ I spent today paying bills and shopping online for Christmas presents. Okay, so I didn't really believe the world was coming to an end but it sounds better than saying I'm a procrastinator (a cross between a democrat and an alligator, with republican tendencies). I should have known it was a ruse because, like everybody else, the Mayans blamed Bush. 

Nevertheless, the end of the world group now has to find a new date to belabor and bother us with. Rest assured, some moron will come up with a new date that will spawn jokes by the intellects and scare children and old people. Oh wait! There is one which I overlooked and it, too, was created by idiots.

It's referred to as the fiscal cliff and it may or may not come to pass. What would we really nice to observe would be Obama and Congress actually go over a physical cliff. Then, we'll bury their sorry asses and we'll worry about the fiscal cliff next year.

The News As I See It: Christmas is less than a week away. I do most of my shopping online, but I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it. That way, I get the whole holiday shopping experience.

Most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat because he gives handouts. This is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican.

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper recently signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. It took the stoners a few moments to thank Governor Hickenlooper as most couldn't say the word 'Hickenlooper' without laughing.

It looks like Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. I guess Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death.

This Date In History: 1620; The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts. 1891; The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played.

1898; Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium. 1913; The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World. 1937; Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered.

1970; Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House. 1988; A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people.

1991; Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. 1995; Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.

Picture Of The Day: Val di Funes - Dolomites, Italy ~ My house is the third one on the left, next to the 7-11.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was in Palm Beach last week and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago." So I broke a window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, keyed the doors and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!" 2) Stupid auto-correct. I always end up posting some thong I didn't Nintendo. 3) I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. 4) Barry Obama and Michelle say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Michele says they used to, but she got tired of Barry promising big things and not delivering. 5) I don't use the Mayan calendar. I use the Garfield desk calendar. According to it, every Monday is the end of the world.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 21st: There is no need to be afraid, today. Tomorrow is the time for all your fears to be played out in one condensed package as you will be scurrying from store to store searching for gifts that you put off buying because of the Mayan calendar thing.

Birthdays: Henrietta Szold, Zionist leader 1860, Joseph Stalin, Soviet Communist Leader 1879,  Michael Tilson Thomas conductor, composer, and pianist 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. They are low on finances, but they want to buy a dining room table. The brunette takes her last $300 dollars and heads out west to another ranch where a man has a table and chairs for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the table, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the table and chairs and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $299, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a table and chairs for our ranch. I need her to bring our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."

After paying for the table, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to bring your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that table back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow."

This is about the best I could do living in Miami

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Luly for her contribution to today's stories.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas season. This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

That's it for today, my little rain dears. Remember, God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. I'm going to AREA 51 for some Christmas partying.

That's it for now. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !