Friday, September 28, 2012

Kiss My Katz !

Over the years, we've established the fact that I talk to myself. The problem is worsening because lately, I've had a great number of one-sided shouting matches with the stupid TV. Since I'm a night owl, I find myself yelling at that stupid ass, ambulance chasing attorney who does his own commercials. Fail !

Add to that the mind numbing, endless lies from Obama-lama-ding-dong and the countless misstatements from Romney and I find myself with a deep desire to see a good 'ole Sham Wow commercial from Vince the jailbird (arrested in Florida after a run-in with a hooker).

You can't get a straight story from the liberal media because everyone seems to have an agenda. The damned White House wouldn't call the mess in Libya a terrorist attack by al-Qaeda because a week earlier, Obama and his lackeys were giving political speeches touting that al-Qaeda was losing strength and Bin Laden was dead.

Uh, four people killed in Libya on the anniversary of the September 11 attacks in New York City and you don't have a clue? Or, is it just a political way of hiding the fact that al-Qaeda is alive and well and killing people! Fail !

General Motors was saved? Right now, the federal government owns 500,000,000 shares of GM or about 26% of the company. It would need to get about $53 a share for these to break even on the bailout, but the stock closed at only $20.21 a share on Tuesday. This left the government holding $10.1 billion worth of stock and sitting on an unrealized loss of $16.4 billion. How's that grab you, taxpayers? Fail !

My TV is fortunate that it does not have bullet holes in it after the countless false ads from mutual advertising whores Coach Jimmy Johnson and Joe Theisman for Extenze and Super Beta Prostate (respectively). Fail !

Yeah, I have shouting matches with my TV, but only because it's against the law to take to the streets and bitch slap idiots. The only saving grace is that my Facebook stock is doing quite well.......(Fail !)  

The News As I See It: The NFL strike is over. The NFL replacement refs were so bad, they thought the Green Bay Packers were a Wisconsin moving company. The minute the replacement refs were fired, Obama said, "See, sometimes losing a job can be a good thing."

A new survey shows how much time we waste every day. For example, we waste seven minutes in line waiting for coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, and four years waiting for Obama to do something about the economy.

Paul Ryan now says that Obama's foreign policy has "blown up in his face" and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy?

Pig farmers are predicting a global bacon shortage. However, they say the shortage can be averted if Chris Christie converts to Islam.

Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is so crazy that he actually defended the NFL's replacement refs. The replacement refs were so bad that in a taste test between Coke and Pepsi, they picked Sprite.

TLC has ordered more episodes of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" - just as the Mayans predicted.

This Date In History: 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego. 1781; The closing campaign of the American Revolution at Yorktown Heights, Va. began.

1920; Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted for fixing the 1919 World Series in the "Black Sox scandal." 1924; Two U.S. Army planes landed in Seattle after completing the first round-the-world-flight in 175 days.

1939; A German-Soviet agreement divided Poland between Nazi Germany and the USSR. 1967; Walter Washington became the first mayor of the District of Columbia. 1972; Japan and Communist China agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations.

1989; Former Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos died in exile in Hawaii. 1991; Jazz great Miles Davis died. 2003; Althea Gibson, the first Black tennis player to win at Wimbledon, died.

Picture Of The Day: I'm always amazed at the number of animals who decide to choose that special friend.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My GPS said that I have to get ready to turn left in one mile and I'm even not close to being prepared. 2) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. 3) It's not enough to have every intelligent person in the country voting for Romney. He needs a majority. 4) As I get older, sometimes I repeat myself. Also, as I get older, sometimes I repeat myself. 5) We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 28th: You will be plagued by happy people, but don't be swayed by them, stay miserable. Dead clowns will try to follow you home. Don't fall for that one, they're not really dead. Chance of romance is high with exception of people dressed as clowns.

Birthdays: My pal Alecia - Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Michelangelo Caravaggio, Italian painter, Italian painter 1573, Georges Clemenceau, political figure 1841, Avery Brundage, sports executive 1887, Ed Sullivan, television personality 1901, Al Capp, cartoonist 1909, Alice Marble, tennis player 1913, Marcello Mastroianni, actor 1924, Brigitte Bardot, actress 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole." One of the other golfers said, "Oh my God, that must have been horrible!"

Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

An older man wanted to make his younger wife pregnant, so he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The old man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing."

The man went on, "Then, my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand.....nothing. The doctor asked, "Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?" The old man said, "Yep, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jeanne for her contribution to today's stories.

One day a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" The golfer replied, "It's John, and I'm ok, thanks."

Elizabeth said, "John forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you turn the golf cart back over later." John answered, "That's mighty nice of you, but I don't think my wife would like it." "Elizabeth was very pretty and persuasive. She said, "Oh, come on!" John finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some "driving and putting" lessons, John thanked his hostess and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." Elizabeth said with a smile, "Don't be silly! She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" John said, "Under the golf cart!"

Little Johnny is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. Little Johnny says, "Yes, Ma'am?" The teacher asks, "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?"

Little Johnny answers, "Well, ma'am, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "Teacher, I've got a question for you. There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor. One is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies, "No teacher, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Authors Note: For those of you who are following Jimmy's Journal on Facebook, you may have noticed changes in publishing notices and followers. Network Blogs, in its infinite wisdom, has "upgraded" their site and you may not see your picture on the site as a follower. You can easily correct this by simply clicking "Follow this blog" (button on the bottom) and following the instructions. Sorry for the inconvenience.  

That's it for today, my little tweety birds. Remember, the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Can I Have A Bite?

Just like when we were kids, life is the same old story. You're sitting down about to eat something and one of your siblings or friends asks, "Can I have a bite?" When we were kids, most of us would say, "No!" As we got older, we started to realize that sometimes you have to share.

The problem is that there was always the mooch who never seemed to have anything to share, but always wanted a bite. Continually sharing and helping can sometimes lead to enabling. You begin to realize that the person who always wants a bite or always needs something doesn't bother to fend for himself. He begins to rely on others.

As the populous of sharers and helpers begin to wane, the takers will begin to outnumber the givers and sooner or later, chaos will reign. It may not happen right now, but unless a change is instituted, the inevitable will come to pass. 

The News As I See It: Green Bay Packers fans are furious after a controversial call in last night's game robbed the Packers of a victory. Some are calling it the worst call in NFL history, or at least since the Black Eyed Peas were invited to play the Super Bowl. Fans say they’re fed up with these phony refs and want to see them back where they the NBA with the rest of the thugs.

Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on "60 Minutes" last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent.

A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, Ok?

In New York City, muggings for Apple products are up 40 percent. Even worse, if you have the iPhone, the thugs camp out overnight to mug you.

Mass riots broke out among 2,000 workers at the factory in China that's making new iPhones. This is what happens when third-graders don't get a nap. They get cranky.

At the New England Patriots game, coach Bill Belichick was so mad about a call by the replacement referees that he grabbed a ref's arm. Fortunately, Belichick was quickly stopped by the referee's seeing-eye dog.

This Date In History: 1789; Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's first Secretary of State. 1820; Frontiersman, Daniel Boone, died in Missouri.

1914; The Federal Trade Commission was established. 1950; United Nations troops recaptured Seoul, the capital of South Korea, from the North Koreans.

1960; Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took part in the first televised presidential debate. 1986; William H. Rehnquist was sworn as the 16th chief justice of the Supreme Court.

Picture Of The Day: There's nothing more majestic than a stallion proudly strutting in green pastures.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 2) Impotence is just nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 3) I put peanut butter on both sides of my toast so that if the toast falls, I won't be disappointed.4) When things are looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas. 5) Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 26th: Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. The chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch are so remote that you might as well go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes. Remember, you can't become a pilot without a good altitude.

Birthdays: My pals Howard and Rich - Happy Birthday guys ! 19XX, John Chapman, American pioneer, more familiarly known as Johnny Appleseed, 1774, Ivan Pavlov, experimental psychologist 1849.

TSEliot, poet 1888, Martin Heidegger, philosopher 1889, George Gershwin, composer 1898, Christine Todd Whitman, public official 1946, Olivia Newton-John, singer 1948, Serena Williams, tennis player 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell says, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!" Miss Annabell continues, "They call them homosexuals." The girls, astounded and fanning themselves, reply, "Oh my! Oh my."

Miss Annabell says, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls ask, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell says, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell sighs, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell. The girls giggle as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster.

The girls ask, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

A couple was celebrating their 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. Son number one gushed, "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient and I didn't have time to get you a gift." The father said, "Don't worry, the important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." The father replied, "Son, we're just glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived and said, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years, your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" The father answered, "Yep, and cheap ones too."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting."

He continued, "Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?" His wife replied, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, no one listens to you until you fart. I'm going to AREA 51 for  happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, September 24, 2012

Back In The Day - Going To The Movies On Saturday Morning

Nearly every Saturday morning, a group us would get on our bikes and ride to the Essex movie theater, which was quite a trek (5 miles) by bicycle. We never bothered to see what was playing, because it was the only theater in town with the exception of the Circle Theater which was another 2-3 miles farther away. We would park our unlocked bikes in the bike racks and head to the show.

Most of us only had a dollar to spend, but it was only 15¢ to get in and you could buy a hot dog, a small coke and popcorn for the balance of the dollar. The neat thing was that you could practically spend your whole day there.

The first thing was always the Movie Tone News followed by the coming attractions. Next came the cartoons and there were always quite a few of them. Sometimes they'd also show "The Little Rascals" also known as "Our Gang."

After the cartoons was the "Serial" which was more or less the equivalent of watching a soap opera, because it never really ended. Just when it got to the good part, the serial would end and the movie would show parts of what would happen next week.

Finally, came the featured movie. Most of the time, they were great, usually westerns or horror movies. I watched "The Creature From The Black Lagoon" (in 3D) when it first came out and also "The Blob." Since we never knew what was going to play, I also saw "Oklahoma" and "Carousel" when they first premiered.

This was our entertainment back then and it was good! We saw the news, the cartoons, The Little Rascals, the serials and the featured movie. We ate our hot dogs and popcorn, drank our cokes.....and the best part? We parked our bikes and in those days, no one would ever think of stealing them.....

The News As I See It: In a recent interview with Univision, Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. I guess he means that even though he had a democrat controlled house and senate in his first two years, he still couldn't effect any change and we should throw him out. Obama has gone from "Yes we can." to "Sorry, I can't."

Mitt Romney's campaign released his 2011 tax return. Democrats still want him to release all his tax returns for the last 10 years. Romney says he can't do it and he's got a good excuse. He says his dog ate them and then Obama ate the dog.

The economy is so bad, the White House is using NFL replacement refs instead of the Secret Service to guard Obama.

New documents show that Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney's advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means.

Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not "presidential." Vice presidential, sure. That's Joe Biden territory.

This Date In History: 1789; Congress passed the First Judiciary Act which provided for a U.S. attorney general and the Supreme Court. 1957; The Brooklyn Dodgers played their last game at Ebbets Field.

1960; The Enterprise, the first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, was launched. 1969; The trial of the "Chicago Eight," radical antiwar and counterculture activists accused of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic convention, began.

1991; Children's author Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, died at age 87. 1996; The United States and the world's other major nuclear powers signed a treaty to end all testing and development of nuclear weapons.

Picture Of The Day: "Are those the low fat walnuts?"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've been holding my stomach in for about 3 years now, so don't talk to me about dedication. 2) Las Vegas is an amazing place. Where else can you came to visit in a thirty thousand dollar car and leave in a two hundred thousand dollar bus? 3) Would it still be considered interrupting if you weren't listening in the first place?4) Women are always looking for men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking. I don't worry too much about that. Those men already have boyfriends. 5) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 24th: Temperatures will rise today as you find yourself locked in a closet with a close friend who likes baked beans. Luckily, today is the best day you're going to have over the coming months, so defend yourself and foght fire with fire and let one loose yourself.

Birthdays: My sweet pal Lydia - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, John Marshall, American jurist, 4th Chief Justice of the United States (1801–1835) 1755, Mark Hanna, capitalist and politician 1837, F. Scott Fitzgerald, writer 1896, Jim Henson, puppeteer 1936, Phil Hartman, actor 1948, Paul and Morgan Hamm, gymnasts 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The boss arrives at the office manager desk and sees the manager sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He advises him, "When used to have stress, I went home every afternoon for two weeks and made love to my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!"

Two weeks later when the boss arrives at his office manager's desk, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are going out and the computer is running at full speed. The boss said, "I see you followed my advice?" The office manager replied, "I did! It was great! By the way, you've got a great house!"

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of horse manure. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What have you got in your truck?" The farmer replied, "Horse manure."

The little boy asked, "What are you going to do with it?" The farmer said, "Put it on strawberries." The little boy said, "You ought to live here. We put sugar and cream on ours."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. The frog says, "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan for a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says, "My name is Kermit Jagger. My dad is Mick Jagger and don't worry about the loan, I know the bank manager." Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this."

He produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says, "What in the world is this?'" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't do aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

Mendel Rosenblatt was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. Mendel asked the doctor, "How can I get human milk?" The doctor said, "Well, Ethel Goldstein just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ethel's house for his daily feed. Ethel was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.

One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rosenblatt, do you like it?" Mendel sighed, "Mmmm, wonderful." Ethel, her lips parted and eyes aglow, said hesitantly, "Is there anything else you'd like?" Mendel replied, "As a matter of fact there is," Ruby asked breathlessly, "What?" Mendel licked his lips and said, "Maybe a little biscuit?"

That's it for today, my little cracker jacks and jills. Remember, the right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, September 21, 2012

iPhone 6 Lines Now Forming For Christmas

The new iphone-5 went on sale today and, of course, the usual suspects are already busy robbing the new owners and stealing their new phones. People waiting in lines for days finally claimed their prizes as the doors open early Friday morning. Even if I wanted the new iphone, my stint in the Army cured me of any desire to wait in ine for anything.

As for new phones, I'm quite happy with the newest Blackberry and the best part is that I never pay for new phones. My tenure with my carrier has provided me with that tidy little reward. Without a doubt, the iphone is one of the best on the market, but for the most part, it's useless to me.

With my Blackberry, I have mastered the art of making and receiving phone calls. I can send text messages, take pictures and videos, check the Weather Channel and use my GPS mapping system. That's about it. Don't get me wrong, my Blackberry does many more things, I just don't know how to do them. so for me, all the extras on most smart phones are tantamount to tits on a bull.

As for apps, 99 percent of them are scams and crapola. I can watch television on my phone as well, but I see no reason to do it. Every place I go usually has two or three large televisions. My phone has Facebook, Twitter and other social apps but I can't think of anything that important that can't wait an hour or two until I get home.

Nevertheless, congratulations to all those who felt it was important to shell out as high as $850 (64bit - no contract) and $400 (64bit - 2 year contract) for the newest technology. As for me, my Blackberry will suffice and the end result is that my phone and the new phone can both make phone calls. It's just that I can afford a couple of scotches as I make my calls.....

The News As I See It: A Pakistani man died after inhaling fumes from burning an American flag. Good! Thank you. We defend the American flag and it also defends itself.

As part of the strategy for the upcoming presidential debates, the Obama campaign is attempting to lower expectations. If there's one thing that Obama is good at lately, it's lowering expectations.

If you take the 47 percent that Mitt Romney says pay no taxes and add that to the people who Obama says cling to their guns and religion, that's the whole country right there.

Newsweek has a new cover story titled "Muslim Rage." Can you believe that? They're still publishing Newsweek.

Disney World has announced plans to start serving alcohol. They're even going to introduce a new character — Extremely Buzzed Lightyear.

This Date In History: 1792; The French National Convention voted to abolish the monarchy. 1897; The New York Sun published its famous editorial, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus." 1937; The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkein was first published.

1938; A hurricane struck New York and New England with extensive damage and more than 600 deaths. 1949; The People's Republic of China was proclaimed.

1964; Malta gained its independence from Great Britain. 1981; Belize gained its independence from Great Britain. 1996; John F. Kennedy, Jr., married Carolyn Bessette.

Picture Of The Day: There's just something about kittens and puppies that I can't resist.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) She said that she was dying to have sex in the worst way, so we did it standing up in a hammock. 2) I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and half of Friday. 3) It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4) Two eyebrows are better than one. 5) I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 21st: Don't trust little birdies, most of them tell lies. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.

Birthdays: My pals Felicia and Sue - Happy birthday girls ! 19XX, Heike Kamerlingh Onnes, physicist 1853, Herbert George Wells (H. G. Wells), English author 1866, Henry Lewis Stimson, statesman 1867, Larry Hagman, actor 1931, Stephen King, author 1947, Bill Murray, actor, screenwriter, comedian 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One night, after watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", a man and his wife went to bed. The man started getting very frisky, so he asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend."

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes.

He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina." The old man says, "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, her husband cries out, "Watch out for that damned wall!"

A man walked out into the street and hailed a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. The cabby said, "Perfect timing, you're just like Bill." The man asked, "Who?" The cabby said, "Bill Smith. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

The man said to the cabby, "Nah, there are always a few clouds over everybody." The cabby said, "Not Bill. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

The man said, "Bill was really something, huh?" The cabby said, "Oh, yeah! Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

The man said, "No wonder you remember him, sounds like he was a great guy!" The cabby replied, Well, I never actually met Bill. The man said, "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" The cabby replied sarcastically, "I married his widow."

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him. He gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

The older boy says, "Before you look in there, keep in mind that this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

That's it for today, my little tiddly winks. Remember, there's nothing wrong with people speaking their long as they do it with their mouths closed. I'll be in AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Cougars - Ya Gotta Love 'Em !

The cougar, also known as the puma or mountain lion, is native to the Americas. This large, solitary cat has the greatest range of any large wild terrestrial mammal in the Western Hemisphere, extending from Yukon in Canada to the southern Andes of South America.

An adaptable, generalist species, the cougar is found in every major American habitat type. It is the second heaviest cat in the Western Hemisphere, after the jaguar. Although large, the cougar is most closely related to smaller felines and is closer genetically to the domestic cat than to true lions. Like the smaller felines, the cougar is nocturnal.

Cougar is also a slang term referring to a woman who seeks relations with considerably younger men. Typically, the term refers to women over 30 years old.

Personally, I admire both types of cougar. Both dangerous and nocturnal, I admire the former from a distance and the latter, much more closely. Although the latter usually seeks younger prey, now and then one may have a bad night of hunting and even a blind squirrel like me finds an acorn now and then.....

A tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted, "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." An old man in the back of the bus shouted, "Why?"

The News As I See It: According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. That's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Obama has said that's a step in the right direction and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work.

Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray.

Protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan and Tunisia are all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?

All over the world people are chanting, "Death to America." Except in China, where they're chanting, "Not until we get our money back."

A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that's he's now only five points behind Bill Clinton.

Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of "Explaining Stuff". You know what's another good name for that position? President.

In a recent promotion, Mitt Romney is offering donors a chance to win a ride on his campaign plane. But if you know how Mitt Romney travels, this is one contest you don't want to win....unless you like riding while strapped on the roof of his plane.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper and the book is actually called "Total Recall." In response, his housekeeper has written a book about their affair called "Alien vs. Predator."

American Idol still has a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.

This Date In History: 1881; President James Garfield died of a gunshot wound inflicted by a disappointed office seeker the previous July 2. 1934; Bruno Hauptmann was arrested for the Lindbergh baby kidnap-murder.

1955; President Juan Peron of Argentina was deposed and exiled after a military coup. 1957; The United States conducted its first underground nuclear test in the Nevada desert. 1962; Governor Ross Barnett blocked James Meredith from enrolling in the University of Mississippi.

1985; The Mexico City area was struck by the first of two devastating earthquakes that claimed thousands of lives. The second earthquake hit 36 hours later.

1994; U.S. troops entered Haiti to enforce the return of exiled president Jean-Bertrand Aristide. 2001; The Pentagon ordered combat aircraft to the Persian Gulf following the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

Picture Of The Day: With all the turmoil going on in the Middle-East, just keep in mind that we have a few women drivers that can resolve any problems that might arise.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't my burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little each day. 2) When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it. 3) According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were. 4) Humpty Dumpty was pushed! 5) They finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 19th: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.

Birthdays: My pal Emilio - Happy Birthday brother ! 19XX, George Cadbury, manufacturer, social reformer 1839, William Hesketh Lever, soap-maker, philanthropist 1851, Benjamin Reifel, Sioux activist and U.S. representative 1906, Sir William Golding English novelist 1911, Jim Abbott, baseball pitcher 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on his porch watching the sun go down over the hills, he spied his prize bull screwing one of his cows.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." Mabel whispered back, "Well then, why don't you? It's your cow."

A grouchy old woman awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. She asked the doctor, "Why are all the damned blinds closed?"

The doctor responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

An elderly couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator. She said, "...and finally, I want to thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day. they are favored to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." The coach says in a panic, "What? How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

That's it for today, my little licorice sticks. Remember, don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often. You can find me over in AREA 51 around happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !