Friday, July 31, 2015

White House Press Secretary Earnest Said What?

The White House expressed its firm belief that recently-released videos attacking Planned Parenthood are "fraudulent." Their source? Planned Parenthood.  I thought no one could out-stupid former press secretary Jay Carney but it appears current press secretary Josh Earnest is vying to be the most stupid ever.

Earnest was speaking with reporters when they raised the matter of the videos released by the Center for Medical Progress which appear to show Planned Parenthood officials discussing the sale of fetal organs for profit, a violation of federal law.

He claimed the videos were released in a "fraudulent way" with "not a lot of evidence" behind them. Earnest said, "There is ample reason to think that this is merely the tried and true tactic that we’ve seen from extremists on the right to edit this video and selectively release this edited version of the video that grossly distorts the position of the person that’s actually speaking."

But Earnest indicated that the reason he thought the videos were fraudulent was because, well, Planned Parenthood had told him so.

Somewhere, there must be a manual that White House press secretaries must follow where they attempt to master the art of pissing on you while trying to make you believe that it's raining.

Former White House press secretary and weasel Jay Carney

The News As I See It: The NFL upheld Tom Brady’s four-game suspension yesterday, and said the decision involved the fact that Brady destroyed his cellphone just before he was investigated. This upset Brady. He was expecting it to be reduced, especially since one of his colleagues only got a two-game suspension for knocking out his wife in an elevator.

Hillary Clinton, referring to the NFL decision, said, "You don’t have to destroy it. You just switch the SIM card memory chip......uh, so I’ve heard. I don't know. Bye. Gotta go."

A hot new surf destination has been discovered and it's none other than North Korea. Up until this point, surfboards have been used primarily as a means of escape from North Korea. I can't think of any country that embodies the easygoing surfer attitude more than North Korea.

A designer in New York is developing the world's first spray-on condom. True story. If you're wondering how this works — it doesn't.

This Date In History: 1498; Columbus arrived at the island of Trinidad. 1777; The Marquis de Lafayette became a major-general in the American Continental Army. 1790; The first U.S. patent was issued to Samuel Hopkins of Vermont for a process of making fertilizer.

1875; Andrew Johnson, the 17th president of the United States, died in Tennessee. 1954; Mount Godwin-Austen (K2), the world's second-highest peak, was climbed for the first time, by an Italian team led by Ardito Desio. 1964; The U.S. space probe Ranger 7 transmitted pictures of the Moon’s surface.

Picture Of The Day: My alter ego.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Last Friday's party, I ran into an old friend who told me that he broke his leg in two places. I told him to quit going to those places. 2) Thank you automatic ice dispenser. I was hoping to get either 2 or 67 ice cubes. 3) It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars. 4) Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status. After 3 times, it should default to "Unstable".  5) If I were to ever work as a grocery store cashier at the 10 items or less lane, the first thing I would say to that shopper who always has more than items than allowed, "Which 10 items would you like to purchase?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 31st: Wake up in a trash container again? Don't let your drinking get you down. Go out and have a beer. You have many more years ahead of you. Today will be much better and, even if you wake up in the trash bin again, the food will be fresher. Chance of romance is 57 percent assuming you're able to navigate home safely.

Birthdays: S.S. Kresge merchant, philanthropist 1867, Jean Dubuffet, painter and sculptor 1901, Milton Friedman,  economist 1912, Whitney M. Young, Jr. social reformer 1921, Wesley Snipes, actor, producer 1962, J. K. Rowling, writer 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two older ladies were visiting an art gallery where they happened upon the unveiling ceremony for a new sculpture. Being older ladies, by the time the ceremony was due to begin, they had managed to get to the front.

After all the speeches, the cover was duly whipped off to reveal a life sized Adonis sporting an erection. Both old ladies shot to their feet with a gasp. The first one threw her hands in the air and had a stroke. The second one was a bit shorter and couldn’t reach.

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear. She said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

The driver asked, ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?'' The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."

The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle and mine is parted on the side!''

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A New York attorney stopped by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his dollar. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" The waitress said, "Well, your tip tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough." The waitress continued, "It also tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, the attorney says, "Well, that's true, too."

The waitress smiles and says, "And finally, the amount of the tip tells me that your father was a bachelor, as well."

There were twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to take the pictures of them. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He said we have to sit on the sofa." The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." Again, the hard of hearing twin asked, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "We have to sit closer together."

They wiggled up close to each other. The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." Yet again, the hard of hearing twin said, "What did he say?" Her sister replied, "He says he's going to focus." The hard of hearing twin exclaimed, "Oh my God, both of us?"

That's it for today, my little snap dragons. Remember, only love can break your heart, but trans-fatty acids will also have a damn good try. AREA 51 is a bit "iffy" for today's happy hour as my feet have been paining me quite a bit this week.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Tom Brady Would Make A Good Running Mate For Hillary

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady's four-game suspension for his role in using under-inflated footballs during the AFC championship game has been upheld by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

The league announced the decision Tuesday, saying that Brady told an assistant to destroy his cellphone on or just before March 6th. Brady met with independent investigator Ted Wells on that day.

Goodell said, "He did so even though he was aware that the investigators had requested access to text messages and emails that had been stored on that phone. During the four months that the cellphone was in use, Brady exchanged nearly 10,000 text messages and emails, none of which can now be retrieved from that device."

Hmmm..... Destroyed and deleted texts and emails? I think that Brady's alleged actions makes him potential vice president material for Hillary Clinton.

It amazes me that the NFL takes swift action on a controversial football game while nothing is done about Hillary Clinton deliberately breaking the law.

The News As I See It: Time magazine interviewed Bill Clinton about the current presidential campaign and he claimed he had to ask Hillary to marry him three times before she said yes. Hillary was like, "Yeah, that wasn't me."

Chris Christie attended the Italian-American Heritage Festival street fair in Iowa this weekend, where they celebrated Italian culture and Italian food. The street fair involved two of Christie’s favorite pastimes – eating, and shutting down traffic. It's a combo platter.

Snoop Dogg was arrested and released in Sweden this weekend on suspicion of sing illegal drugs. Officials first became suspicious in 1991.

This Date In History: 1890; Artist Vincent van Gogh died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Auvers, France. 1958; President Eisenhower signed the congressional act that created the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was authorized by Congress.

1968; In Humanae Vitae (of Human Life), Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Catholic Church's prohibition on artificial methods of birth control. 1981; Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, married Lady Diana Spencer.

2003; Red sox switch hitter Bill Mueller became the first baseball player to hit grand slam home runs from both sides of the plate in the same game.

Picture Of The Day: This is Secretary of State John Kerry, the man that just negotiated a nuclear agreement with Iran. Need I say more?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have never seen a brunette with blond roots.  2) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. 3) I can't wait to finish today's post, because I have a roll of Life Savers in the kitchen and I think pineapple is next 4) Vegans with children named "Hunter" are one of the reasons I lie awake at night.  5) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 29th: Now that you're getting over your last weekend's antics, I suggest that you maintain a low profile until all of the various social sites quit running those pictures that seemed funny at the time. Seriously, you're not the first to wear a lampshade as a hat. Chance of romance is 47.62 percent.

Birthdays: Booth Tarkington, author 1869, Benito Mussolini, Italian dictator 1883, Dag Hammarskjold, Swedish statesman, secretary-general of the United Nations (1953–61) 1905, Nancy Landon Kassebaum, senator 1932, Elizabeth Hanford Dole, public official 1936, Peter Jennings, news anchor Ken Burns, documentary filmmaker 1953.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred as some of the grappling hooks holding the climbers, gave way. This left six climbers clinging precariously to the swinging rope suspended from the mountain. Five of the women were blonde and one was a brunette.

As a group, they decided that one of the party should let go. If that did not happen, the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments, no one volunteered.

Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All five blondes applauded.

During mealtime on a flight on a British Airways plane, the flight attendant asked the obnoxious man seated in the front row, "Would you like dinner?" The man asked, "What are my choices?" The flight attendant replied, "Yes or no."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden in their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

She asked,"Daddy,what are those two spiders doing?" Her father replied, "They're mating." The Little girl said, "What do you call the spider on top?" The father answered, "That's a Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl asked."So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied, "No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment. Then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our garden."

Soon after marrying a beautiful blonde, a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season. His new wife started nagging that he had never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won.

That next morning they drove out to the country and the wife climbed up in a tree for a better hidden view, about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.

As the Texan ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!! The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady..... It's your deer.... Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

That's it for today, my little tater tots. Remember, the colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to lie on it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Monday, July 27, 2015

Happy Birthday Bugs !

The world’s favorite rabbit turns 75 today. In 1940, the cotton-tailed character’s debuted in his first cartoon short "Wild Hare". There won’t be much hoopla to, because Warner Brothers inexplicably doesn’t observe the birthdays of animated characters.

There’s some logic to that, especially in Mr. Bunny’s case. There had been earlier variations: A wisecracking rabbit, voiced by Mel Blanc, debuted in the 1938 "Porky’s Hare Hunt" but the speech patterns and look were very different.

In the next few years, WB’s Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies cartoons featured other rabbits. But the 1940 "Wild Hare" was the first one where Bugs looked like himself, sounded like himself and, significantly, it was the first time he uttered the immortal words "What’s up, Doc?"

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.

The News As I See It: GOP Congressman Carlos Curbelo suggested that Donald Trump may be a "phantom candidate" that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this while Hillary said, "Crap! They figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill."

A new poll shows that a majority of people in Colorado think Hillary Clinton is not trustworthy. Although, that's not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in America.

This Date In History: 1861; Union general George B. McClellan was put in command of the Army of the Potomac during the Civil War. 1940; Bugs Bunny made his debut in the cartoon "A Wild Hare".

1940; Billboard magazine published its first singles record chart (for the week of July 20). 1953; An armistice was signed ending the Korean War.

1974; The House Judiciary Committee voted to impeach Richard Nixon for obstructing justice in the Watergate case. 1995; The Korean War Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, DC.

1996; A pipe bomb exploded in an Atlanta park during the Olympic Games. 2003; Lance Armstrong won his fifth straight Tour de France, tying Miguel Indurain's record.

2003; Comedian Bob Hope died in his home, at the age of 100. 2012; The 2012 Summer Olympics began in London.

Picture Of The Day: On a darker side, it seems that Elmer Fudd is a bit more dangerous than his character in the cartoons.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know you're getting old when you have to turn your music down to park your car. 2) Hey Google, how about letting me type more than three letters in my search before you start trying to confuse me with suggestions. 3) "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying my bills. 4) A portmanteau is when you combine two words to make one word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.  5) I never was an Olympic athlete, but I did participate in a Toyotathon once.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 27th: Bread, lightly cooked, buttered. Today's horoscope is sponsored by Toast. All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and some theft. Long walks, cold showers and playing with puppies will help alleviate the lack of romance in your life this week.

Birthdays: Alexandre Dumas, French dramatist and novelist 1824, Leo Durocher, baseball player 1905, Norman Lear, television producer 1922, Bharati Mukherjee, writer 1940, Peggy Fleming, Olympic ice skater 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny comes down for breakfast and since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores.Little Johnny replies, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Pissed off, he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.

His mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

The isr grade teacher asked her class, "Do you know what sound doggies make?" Everyone in the class said, "Woof woof." So the teacher asked, "Do you know what sound a kitty makes?" The class answered, "Meow, meow."

The teacher said, "Now, for a gold star, do you know what sound a bunny rabbit makes?" There was a long silence and then one little boy stood up and said, "What’s up, Doc?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?” He says, "Ok, get in the car with it."

His wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there." His wife asks, "But what about the smell?" Her husband replied, "Just hold its little nose."

(The man is recovering and the little skunk she used to beat him with is expected to recover as well).

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers it. A man says, "Mrs. Sanders, please." The woman replied, "Speaking." The man says, "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

Mrs Sanders asks nervously, "What do you mean?" The doctor says, "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." Mrs. Sanders says, "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?"

The doctor replies, "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." Mrs Sanders asks, "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

The doctor says, "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, men can survive an entire weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, July 24, 2015

Gator !

Having fished the Florida Everglades all my life, I've had many an experience with gators, mostly minor. Once, wading waist deep fishing for bass, I cast to a log which was, in fact, a sleeping gator. Since I had bass on the stringer tied to my belt loop, I headed to shore and promptly stepped into a hole.

Being only sixteen-years-old, it scared me when I went under the water but once I got to shore, I looked back only to see the gator high tailing it in the other direction. As it turned out, we both scared each other.

I've seen my fair share and I'm always amused when I take someone fishing for the first time and we see a gator. Many times I've seen one sunning on the shore and was once asked by a friend if the gator was dead.

Smiling, I slowed the boat, turned around and slowly idled towards the sleeping gator. Once I got within 15 feet, it bolted and ran for the safety of the water. Scared the crap out of my friend, though.

This is the almost 5 foot gator that my friend thought was dead. Notice that his head is raised and eyes open meaning he is aware of us. Once we got too close, he dove into the water.

During a typical bass fishing day, I'm usually pretty hot around midday and many times I've jumped into the water for a brief swim and cool off. I even swam with my kids in the water after a little encouragement.

That night, I took my flashlight and shined it on the water, pointing out to my kids the pairs of red gator eyes in the distance. It was then that they realized we had been swimming with gators that day.

Gators are nocturnal feeders and usually start hunting around dusk. During the day, they mostly rest or sun themselves and are rather lethargic. Most gators in the wild are really rather shy unless you stumble upon a female guarding her nest or a bull gator looking for a mate.

The exception to this would be people who feed gators that take up residence in local ponds or lakes. Once emboldened and knowing where to find food, they will take down anything small including ducks and even small dogs.

This is Shark Valley observation area where visitors can observe the flora and fauna of Everglades National Park. There are hundreds of gators along the road and I've seen people get way too close to the gators. Gators should be given much more space.

The News As I See It: Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody. Graham said he's getting a new phone, which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, "New phone, who dis?"

Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.

Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball.

This is the reason that alligators should be given space. Depending on size, a gator can run from between 15 to 25 miles per hour for short distances.

This Date In History: 1847; Brigham Young and the first members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) arrived at the Great Salt Lake. 1862; Martin Van Buren, the eighth president of the United States, died in Kinderhook, New York.

1866; Tennessee became the first Confederate state to be readmitted to the Union. 1937; Charges against five black men accused of raping two white women in the Scottsboro case were dropped.

1974; The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard Nixon had to turn over White House tapes to the Watergate special prosecutor. 2002; Nine coal miners were trapped in a mine in Pennsylvania. All were rescued three days later.

Picture Of The Day: This is the reason why gators are not easy to spot in the wild. You may be able to see why I thought I was casting to a log. Note the baby gators sticking near mom for protection. Baby gators' sex is determined by the temperature of the eggs in the nest.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've never been skydiving, but once I zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast. 2) A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. 3) I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke. 4) For those waiting for me to go out of my mind, it may take longer as the exits are not clearly marked.  5) I'm about ten pounds overweight and I know it's my own fault, but you'd be amazed how much "exercise" and "extra fries" sound alike.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 24th: Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. The chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch are so remote so you might as well go home and eat ice cream until you get brain freeze. Remember, you can't become a pilot without a good altitude.

Birthdays: Simon Bolivar, liberator 1783, Alexandre Dumas, novelist 1802, Amelia Earhart, American aviator 1897, Bella Abzug, Congresswoman 1920, Jennifer Lopez, actress, singer 1969.

A gator suns itself in the midday sun along the L-67 river extension in the Everglades. My boat drifted into his area as I was casting for bass. I didn't notice him until he raised his head and I snapped a quick picture.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: My great-uncle once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet.

Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

A blond went the library and stepped up to the desk. She said to the desk clerk, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke." The desk clerk said, "Shhh...this is a library."

The blond said, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." Then, the blond leaned over close to the desk clerk and whispered, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke."

An aerial view of Shark Valley Observation area.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An older couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!

Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned."

Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

That's it for today, my little tiddlywinks. Remember, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions! I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Samantha's Afraid Of Thunderstorms

My cat Samantha is a hussy, doling out affection as she sees fit except when she's hungry or during a thunderstorm. Drizzling rain is calming to her, but at the first crack of lightning, suddenly I'm her best friend. If the lightning gets worse, Sam is under the bed and it's every man for himself.

South Florida is known for its five minute weather changes, but this week, thunderstorms have been persistent. I'm not really bothered by thunderstorms unless it takes out the electricity. Usually, there's a brief flash followed by the thunder report, the time differential dependent upon how far away the lightning struck.

Then, of course, there's that one that is too close for comfort and the flash and thunder occur simultaneously. Those are the ones that send both Samantha and I to the bedroom.

Most of my pets over the years were not happy campers when thunderstorms occurred. From what I've gathered from friends on Facebook this week, their pets are suffering from the same malady. Samantha and I wish everyone a sunny remainder of the week.

The News As I See It: Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would have responded but he was busy drafting his new "mandatory Mexican gay weed" bill.

In a South Carolina speech, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call.

The dating website, which is a site where married people go to find someone to have an affair with, was hacked yesterday and now the hackers are threatening to release information about its users. This is one way to cut down on the number of people running for president.

A couple who got married in Illinois has the last names Burger and King. It makes sense because in a few years most of their conversations will end with "Fine, have it your way!"

Rachel Dolezal gave an interview to Vanity Fair where she continued to claim she is black. Even though the whitest thing you can do is give an interview to Vanity Fair.

The U.S. won the International Math Olympiad. If you don’t think Americans can compete with Asia in math, maybe you should talk to some of the members of the American team, like Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, Allen Liu and their coach, Po-Shen Loh.

This Date In History: 1796; Cleveland, Ohio, was founded by Gen. Moses Cleaveland. 1933; Wiley Post became the first person to fly solo around the world. 1934; John Dillinger was shot to death outside Chicago's Biograph Theater.

1937; Franklin D. Roosevelt's "court packing" scheme was rejected by the U.S. Senate. 1975; Congress restored Confederate general Robert E. Lee's U.S. citizenship.

1990; Greg LeMond won his third Tour de France. A Minnesota native, Lemond was the first American to win the great French cycling race. 2003; Saddam Hussein's sons, Uday and Ousay, were killed in a firefight.

2013; Prince George of Cambridge is born. He is the first child of Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.

Picture Of The Day: Keep an eye on your pets during thunderstorms. Most of them are afraid when they ocur.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My Uncle in Chicago was a staunch conservative and voted straight line Republican until the day he died. Now, he votes Democrat. 2) I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally. 3) I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet. 4) Buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift. 5) I sure will be happy when scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - July 22nd: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.

Birthdays: Emma Lazarus, poet and essayist 1849, Edward Hopper, artist 1882, Alexander Calder, sculptor 1898, Stephen Vincent Benét, author 1898, Amy Vanderbilt, journalist, author 1908, Oscar de la Renta, fashion designer 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mendel Rosenblatt was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. Mendel asked the doctor, "How can I get human milk?" The doctor said, "Well, Ethel Goldstein just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ethel's house for his daily feed. Ethel was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.

One day as he quietly lay suckling, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rosenblatt, do you like it?" Mendel sighed, "Mmmm, wonderful." Ethel, her lips parted and eyes aglow, said hesitantly, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

Mendel replied, "As a matter of fact there is." Ruby asked breathlessly, "What?" Mendel licked his lips and said, "Maybe a biscuit?"

A grouchy old woman awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. She asked the doctor, "Why are all the damned blinds closed?"

The doctor responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink.

The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." With that, the host asked, "Why is that?"

The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. She was wearing only the t-shirt that she slept in. As I walked in, half awake, she turned to me and said, softly, "Make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up as I thought, "I must be dreaming or this is my lucky day." I embraced her and took her right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she smiled and said, "Thanks" and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Content, yet curious, I asked her what that was all about. With a loving smile, she said, "The egg timer is broken."

That's it for today, my little penguins. Remember, if you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you better hurry up. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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