Friday, November 30, 2012

Let's Get Fiscal, Fiscal.....Doh !

My newest source of amusement is listening to supposedly "learned" members of Congress and some media types referring to the looming budget crisis as the "physical cliff." These are the people who make the laws that govern our country who seemingly have an average IQ of about 80.

One would think that the few "in-the-know" would take the fumbler aside and give him or her a brief lesson in grammar. This idea, of course, assumes that anyone in Congress has that ability. Even the hard of understanding know the term is fiscal, not physical. Olivia Newton-John knows that.....  

Hang on to the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday, "We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

Shackleford said, "The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by an Auburn University graduate. Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

It's amazing what a bear does when he discovers an old couch at the city dump.

The News As I See It: In Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there is a glorified gypsy grifter named Jill Kelly, who's part Kardashian, part Snooki and part Bill Maher's mother, who was hanging around the military bases.

The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee's and orders the fillet?

So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone – of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell – telling her to stay away from general Petraeus. Because if there's one thing a mistress hates, it's a guy who cheats."

NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there while Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies.

This Date In History: 1804; Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase was tried for political bias. 1900; Irish author Oscar Wilde died in Paris at age 46. 1940; Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married. 1966 Barbados became independent of Great Britain.

1974; The fossilized remains of a female human ancestor named Lucy (after the Beatles song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds) were found in Ethiopia. 1993; The Brady Bill, requiring a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases, is signed.

1995; President Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to visit Northern Ireland. 2004; Ken Jennings ended his 74-game winning spree on the game show, Jeopardy!

Picture Of The Day: "Okay, here's the deal. You give me your pacifier and I'll be your pillow."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The more police mugshots I see, the more I think police stations should have a Hair and Make-Up department. 2) Depresso: When you've run out of coffee. 3) Some people have 18-20 bumper stickers. They're afraid to pull them off because they don't know which one holds the car together. 4) If stupid was a disease, people would be dropping dead all over the place.5) Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 30th: Take a coat today as you'll need it if it rains, becomes slightly colder than usual or if you happen to be caught out while parading naked around your local shopping center. Cats can eat mice but can't dogs also? This kind of nonsensical querying that comes from an older person than you, will start to grate today. The number 718 will have a profound and financially favorable effect on you. 

Birthdays: Andrea Palladio architect 1508, Jonathan Swift author 1667, Mark Twain writer, social observer 1835, Winston Churchill, British Statesman, soldier and Author 1874, L. M. Montgomery novelist 1874, Gordon Parks photographer, filmmaker, writer 1912, Shirley Chisholm congresswoman 1924, Dick Clark TV personality 1929, Ridley Scott filmmaker 1937, David Mamet playwright 1947, Ben Stiller actor, director, comic 1965, Elisha Cuthbert actor 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." The attendant said with a grin, "Well, sir, you're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Bubba was coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door, as always, to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Bubba by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Bubba replied, "I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Bubba whispered back, "I’m in the secret service."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?" The second man replied, "No, it's Thursday." The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's get a coke."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "Sorry" again and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action.

The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Little Johnny and Jacky are talking to each other. Jacky says, "What does your dad do for a living?" Little Johnny says, "He is a lawyer." Jacky says, "Honest?" Little Johnny relies, "No, just a regular lawyer."

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers. Little Johnny replies, "Yes, my daddy taught me." The teacher asks, "Can you tell me what comes after three?" Little Johnny answers, "Four." The teacher asks, "And what comes after six?" little "Johnny says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "Very good Johnny.Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?" Little Johnny replies, "A jack."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, a relationship is the period of time between "I love you" and "Everything you do pisses me off." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for a little recreation.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

TIME 2012 Person Of The Year Nominees

TIME's Person of the Year 2012 finalists include Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani girl who was shot in the head by the Taliban on her school bus for daring to blog about her desire to go to school without fear and Sandra Fluke, "the poster child for whiny entitlement" who complained, "Without insurance coverage (read Obamacare), contraception, as you know, can cost a woman over $3,000 during law school." Attention Walmart shoppers: Price check - Contraception, aisle 5.

Really? Just when you think Time magazine can’t make any more of a mockery of itself, they nominate Sandra Fluke, contraception advocate extraordinaire, as a candidate in their Person of the Year 2012 poll. Leave it to Time to make her its Person of the Year. Of course, in the year of the dependent American voter, they might be right.

At first, the Pakistani girl blogged anonymously about her desire to go to school without fear in a part of the country where the Taliban had once imposed strict Shari'a law. Then, with the surprising encouragement of her devout Muslim father, Malala Yousafzai wrote in her own name and revealed her face to the world, a symbol of young women around the world seeking empowerment. She became the subject of a documentary and a celebrity of sorts in the world of nonprofit organizations.

Who knew that such prominence would put her life at risk? On Oct. 9, 2012, Taliban gunmen boarded her school bus, sought her out and shot her in the head. Eventually airlifted to a hospital in Britain, she survived her severe wounds. In the meantime, Malala, now 15, has become an inspiration not only in her native Pakistan, where the culture wars over women's rights and religious diversity have taken many violent turns, but all around the globe.

Malala is now a first name that hundreds of thousands of people know. But in a way, hers is an even more moving story, because the saga is not just of a brave young girl but also of a father willing to risk local opprobrium to raise his daughter, not a son, as a proud example for the world.

Person of the year? Hmmm..... Malala Yousafzai or Sandra Fluke? A difficult decision.....

Angus T. Jones, the young actor who has played the role of the somewhat dim-witted "Jake" in the sit-com "Two And A Half Men" for 13 years recently found himself at the center of a major controversy triggered by statements he’d made in a video testimonial for Forerunner Christian Church. His comments, in which the 19-year-old actor referred to the sit-com as "Filth" and urged viewers to "stop watching it," went viral.

Although rumor has it that Jones was suffering with alcohol and drug problems, he needs to wake up. The young actor makes $350,000 per episode (about 8 million dollars a year). He certainly needs to research what happened to several child actors after their cuteness wore off, the big money stopped coming in and their lives were in shreds in their later years.

Jones has since come to his senses and apologized for his remarks.

The News As I See It: A group of terrorists have hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They have called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands aren’t met, they will release one lawyer every hour.

We're headed for a fiscal cliff and Obama is in a tough spot. The Democrats did so well on Election Day, he's running out of Republicans he can blame this on.

Joe Biden recently celebrated his 70th birthday. He made a birthday wish and right after blowing out the candles, he asked everyone, "Am I invisible yet?"

Israel’s Iron Dome defense is intercepting ninety percent of Hamas' missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch the New York Jets play.

France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before.

This Date In History: 1520; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean. 1919; American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament.

1942; Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston. 1943; Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II.

1964; The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched, on its way to the first successful mission to Mars. 1990; Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain. John Major took over.

Picture Of The Day: That feeling of safety when mom is near.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 2) I don’t have a license to kill, but I do have a learner’s permit. 3) Where there’s a will, there are relatives. 4) My ex-wife dressed to kill. She cooked the same way. 5) Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius: In spite of yourself, this day should be very lucrative and fulfilling. But I sometimes wonder, have you ever felt that you're a shopping bag and life is one big supermarket? If you can get engrossed in that analogy, think of me as the store announcer. "Clean up in aisle 12".

Birthdays: John Bunyan author 1628, Friedrich Engels socialist 1820, Anton Rubinstein pianist, composer 1829, John Wesley Hyatt inventor 1837, Henry Bacon architect 1866, Berry Gordy, Jr. record company founder and executive 1929, Randy Newman singer, composer 1943, Ed Harris actor 1950, Jon Stewart TV personality 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"

An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman’s head. The old woman says, "Yech! Get some toilet paper." The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her mom replies, "No, she is in heat." The little girl asked, "What's that mean?" Her mom said, "Go ask your father, he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, put a small amount of gasoline on it and daubed the dog's backside with it. He said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

That's it for today, my little fruit loops. Remember, an optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. Happy hour in AREA 51 is once again iffy. Rough Tuesday night.....

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, November 26, 2012

Do You Mean I Can't Become A Doctor In Six Months?

Reports are circulating that the many for-profit colleges are under fire since a former employee has blown the whistle on the business for exaggerating the success of its students and their job placement. Ya think? You mean you can't get a masters degree in three months? You can't become a nurse in six weeks? Heavens!

Although this has been obvious to me for some time, evidently the government and various media have suddenly discovered this phenomenon. Additionally these "colleges" offer financing, many times provided or backed by the government, for the hard of understanding and financially challenged. And we wonder why the outstanding college loans are a trillion dollars.

Jason Sobek says he left his job as admissions supervisor at the nation's second-largest operator of for-profit colleges - the Education Management Corp., or EDMC - on good terms. But after he quit, Sobek filed a whistle-blower lawsuit against this provider of post-secondary education, alleging its marketing materials deceived prospective students by falsely inflating job placement statistics at its many campuses around the country.

Sobek told ABC News, "They manipulated the job placement rates by counting students working in a job that they did not need the degree for. In my opinion, it's a wretched fraud."

Before he left EDMC, Sobek downloaded a trove of data and documents, which, he alleges, support his claims. EDMC is a publicly traded for-profit corporation that operates such colleges as the Art Institutes, Brown Mackie College, Argosy University and South University Online. The schools offer degrees that range from a master's of design to nursing

Sobek pointed to how EDMC claims other students were placed in jobs related to their degrees, such as a fashion marketing graduate, an accounting major and a business graduate. He says the EDMC data he provided show the fashion marketing student was actually selling shoes at a Converse outlet store, while the accounting graduate was working at McDonald's as a cashier.

As for the related job the business graduate was counted as receiving after graduation, Sobek says the data reveal he was actually working as a janitor.

EDMC declined an interview with ABC News but says in a statement, "We believe that the claims raised [by Jason Sobek] are wholly without merit."

Uh-0h: You may have noticed a deafening silence as it seems the music site that I was using for the journal has closed its proverbial doors. I am in the process of trying to find a suitable replacement. In the meantime, please hum to yourself as you browse.....

The News As I See It: A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying back and the second hottie freaks out and contacts her "friend."

Her friend, an FBI agent, launches an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon.

This Date In History: 1789; The first national Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. was proclaimed by President George Washington. 1922; Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon became the first to enter the tomb of King Tutankhamen (Tut) since it was sealed in 1323 B.C.

1940; The Nazis began to force Warsaw's Jews to live in a walled ghetto. 1950 China entered the Korean War. 1975; Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, a follower of Charles Manson, was found guilty of trying to assassinate President Ford.

1998; Tony Blair became the first British prime minister to speak to the Irish parliament. 2000; Katherine Harris certified George W. Bush the winner in Florida's presidential balloting.

Picture Of The Day: Rest in peace Mr. Hagman.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Ah...the thrill of watching kicking, blocking, tackling and running. But enough about Black Friday. 2) Refrain from being smug, young people. One day, you too will wake up and not recognize anyone on the cover of People magazine. 3) I talk to myself. I have to because sometimes I need expert advice. 4) I think that Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Wasserman Shultz' particular gene pools may have been one of those above ground ones. 5) Too much business. Not enough monkey.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 26th: Strive to reaches a personal goal this week and the future should look rosier to you. Your spine is going to feel a tingling sensation later this day and you're not going to be able to attribute it to anything specific. My guess is that is that it's because of that person you were ogling at the mall, but that's just me.....

Birthdays: My pals Lyn and Sunny - Happy Birthdays ladies ! 19XX, Eugene Ionesco, French playwright 1909, Charles Schulz cartoonist 1922.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read....."and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become members. The three, an older couple, a middle age couple and a young newlywed couple are told that to become members it is required that they abstain from sex for two full weeks and then return.

Two weeks pass and all three return and the clergyman asks each couple if they have fulfilled the requirement laid out at the first meeting. The elderly gentleman says that they have and are ready to join the church. The middle age couple advise that the first week was okay but during the second week the husband had to sleep on the couch. Nonetheless, they made it and are ready to join the church.

The newlyweds hang their heads and the husband says, "Well, father, my wife was bending over taking something from the freezer the day after our meeting and I couldn't stop myself. I took her right on the spot." The clergyman to the young couple, "I'm sorry, but you are forbidden from coming back to this church." The husband says, "I figured that. We can't go back to the grocery store either."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

All Hostess Bakery plants were shut down. The Company was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

That's it for today, my little armadillos. Remember, you're still playing with a full deck. You just shuffle slower these days. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 23, 2012

A Fine Thanksgiving Day Dinner

I have a great appreciation for the people who take the time and effort to cook on Thanksgiving and yesterday was no exception as my pal Emilio did a great job in preparing a great Thanksgiving dinner. It really is a lot of hard work and and at the end of the day, most of these household chefs are ready for a well deserved night of rest.

I find that holiday dinners are the only time of the year where the elusive turkey baster and its partner in crime, the cooking brush, move from the back of the kitchen catch-all drawer to a position of prominence in the cooking arena.

It is also the time of year when one realizes that one can't find said turkey baster and brush and has to run out and make a quick purchase. I'd be willing to wager that Thanksgiving and Christmas are the big sales days for that duo.

Nevertheless, next year I'm celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm inviting everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, then send them to a reservation and take their land. Either that or its Kentucky Fried Chicken for everybody.

The News As I See It: Today is Black Friday, an American tradition where people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

Drew Barrymore reportedly started smoking when she was 5 years old. In the original script for "E.T." she lured E.T. into her home with a pack of Newport menthols.

Some people say the link between smoking and poor health has been exaggerated. These people are called "tobacco executives."

This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam.

1945; United States wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003; Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.

Picture Of The Day: This one is just for the colors.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence. 2) I read a very interesting story in the newspaper today. For the younger readers, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper. 3) April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims ( I apologize for that one). 4) How do "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there? 5) Cellpilepsy is defined as the brief seizure people sometimes have when their cell phone goes off (especially in vibrator mode). It is characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 23rd: There's no reason not to believe that tonight will be any different than any other Friday night. Then again, there was no reason to believe the Titanic would sink either. If it were me, I'd go out and have a great evening. Just take a life jacket just in case.....

Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw, also known as "Billie The Kid" 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus, actress 1992.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An airline pilot hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for flying Acme Airlines."

In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" The pilot said, "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

A small boy got lost at the shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The little boy said, "Grandpa."

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An attractive older woman is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

No sooner than they get out of the store, she leans over and says to the boy, "You know I've got an itchy pussy." The boy responds, "You'll have to point it out, lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me."

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

That's it for today, my little turkey gobblers. Remember, dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Dogs are totally flexible.

I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Take Your Hand Off My Giblets And Pass The Turkey

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Now’s the time to call all your family and apologize to them in advance for all the things you’re going to say to them when you get drunk. For you younger travelers, the TSA will molest you before they get to your uncle's house.

Some of the questions the TSA asks border on the stupid. One worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone ever handled your bag?" The passenger said, "Probably, but you should ask her. She's right behind me." At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.

They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a carved pumpkin in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving to start with the Christmas stuff.

The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Jimmy's Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe: Here is a turkey recipe that also includes a small amount of popcorn in the stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Roasted Stuffed Turkey:

1 6-8 lb baking turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher low fat) Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper and roast for four hours, basting frequently. Remove turkey, fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn and place back in oven with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.

The News As I See It: New research revealed that the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker. And the closer you live to Dunkin' Donuts, the more likely you are to become the governor of New Jersey.

Scientists have created synthetic plastic skin that can heal itself. The synthetic skin is being called revolutionary by doctors and the perfect Christmas gift for Bruce Jenner.

A prison inmate in Oregon who shot his own jaw off has demanded the state pay for his surgery. At least that's what I think he said.

This Date In History: 1783; With the Marquis d'Arlandes, Pilâtre de Rozier made the first free flight in a balloon, reaching a peak altitude of about 3,000 ft and traveling about 5 1/2 miles in 20 minutes. 1789; North Carolina became the 12th state.

1922; Georgia's Rebecca Felton was sworn into the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman U.S. Senator. 1934; Cole Porter's musical "Anything Goes" opened in New York City. 1969; For the first time since 1930, the U.S. Senate rejected a Supreme Court nominee, Clement Haynsworth.

1973; The 18 1/2 minute gap in the Richard Nixon Watergate tapes was revealed. 1991; Egypt's Boutros Boutros-Ghali was chosen to become secretary-general by the UN Security Council.

Picture Of The Day: Thanksgiving Day Dinner as envisioned by Tom and Mary Turkeyson.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. 2) It appears that someone has invited a lot of old people to my high school reunion. 3) When I was a kid, my mother cleaned my face with her spit. It was like being raised by a cat. 4) A vegan friend of mine went missing so I put her picture on a soy milk carton. 5) I'll be friends with you guys until we're old and senile. Then we'll be new friends.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 21st: Changing your lifestyle and underwear may be a good way start the weekend. The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals will not allow you to talk your way out of a face to face encounter with your neighbor's Doberman Pincer. You know he didn't really like you that much anyway. 

Birthdays: My pals Carol (CJ), Michele, my lifelong buddy WT, and my sweet and beautiful Tamara. Happy Birthday everyone! 19XX, Voltaire, French philosopher and author whose name was François Marie Arouet de Voltaire 1694, Hetty Green, financier 1834, Rene Magritte, painter 1898, Coleman Hawkins, jazz musician 1904, Stan Musial, baseball player 1920, Goldie Hawn, actress 1945, Beryl Bainbridge, writer 1953, Tina Brown, magazine publisher 1953, Björk, singer, songwriter 1965, Troy Aikman, football player, TV commentator 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Nathan, a young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"

His daddy replied (as he ducked), "That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard."

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you’re gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.

She runs upstairs and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost and says, "You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful. Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cussed terribly, so Martha but him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey. Martha said, "And have you learned your lesson about cussing?"

Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said, "I sure have and you can rest assured it will never happen again. I do have one question, "What did the turkey do?"

That's it for today, my little pilgrims. Remember, never judge a man until you've driven a mile with his wife. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great Thanksgiving and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !