Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween !

I'm just about ready for Halloween. Today, I tested the electric fence. It's working. I did buy myself some Ghiradelli 60% cacao chocolates and I also bought some candy corn should any of the little tykes swim the moat and avoid the alligators.

To save the economy on November 10, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home. I started crying when I thought of my readers.....see you on the bus.

The News As I See It: Comedian Jerry Lewis recently said that he had an affair with Marilyn Monroe. Yeah, Jerry, me too....

Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change.

Road kill is now legal to eat in Illinois. It's part of the federal government's "Meals Under Wheels" program.

The estate of Jack Kevorkian says they plan to auction off 17 paintings by the famous suicide doctor. Ironically, they say the characters in the painting really seem to come to life.

In California, it took rescue workers 90 minutes to free a man from the inside of a hollow tree. Thus proving that the obesity epidemic has even reached the Keebler elf community.

The United States government says it's okay for British Petroleum to resume offshore drilling. Yeah! What could possibly go wrong?

Obama had dinner with a U.S. postal worker who won a contest to meet him. The mailman was like, "Wow, someone who takes longer to deliver than I do!"

This Date In History: 1517; Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the Wittenberg Palace church, marking the start of the Protestant Reformation in Germany. 1846; A heavy snowfall trapped the Donner Party in the Sierra Nevada mountains. 1864; Nevada became the 36th state.

1941; Work on the Mount Rushmore monument was completed. 1956; Rear Admiral G. J. Dufek became the first person to land an airplane at the South Pole. 1984; Indian prime minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated. 1992; Pope John Paul II admitted that the Roman Catholic Church had erred in convicting Galileo of heresy 350 years earlier.

Picture Of The Day: Some of my favorites, especially Pelosi.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I found out my girlfriend was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning! 2) Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. 3) My friend's wife suggested that he get himself one of those penis enlargers, so he did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy.

4) There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house. 5) My fiend was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job. I told him, "Bro, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether!".....and that's five.....!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - October 31st: Tonight's Trick or Treat so remember to cut off all your lights and watch tv in the bedroom. If that doesn't work, you might try heading over to AREA 51 until the little tykes are overcome by a sugar rush. On the bright side, you might try dressing up and walk on your knees. You may score a few Snickers bars.

Birthdays: My pals Cary and Randy - Happy Birthday 19XX, Jan Vermeer, painter 1632, John Keats, poet 1795, Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts of America 1860, Chiang Kai-shek, Chinese Nationalist leader 1887, Dale Evans, actress and singer 1912, Barbara Bel Geddes, actress 1922, Michael Collins, astronaut 1930, Dan Rather, television journalist, writer 1931, Michael Landon, actor 1936, John Candy, actor 1950, Jane Pauley, TV journalist 1950, Peter Jackson, director 1961.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like that idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. When she tried to take the step, she discovered that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

A drunk left the bar and staggered off in to the night on his way home. As he was passing a pumpkin patch he thought, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and since there's no one around....... He picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need.

In the process, he failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until a female officer approached him and said, "Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The drunk froze and was clearly very surprised that she was there. Then looked her straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? it midnight already?"

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Were did you get that?" The parrot says, "Chicago, they're all over the place."

That's it for today my little gremlins. Remember, you can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. Have a Happy Halloween and more on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 28, 2011

T R I C K O R T R E A T ?

It's Halloween weekend and there are parties everywhere. At one of my past Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked, "Where's the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

I like Halloween parties but I'm not one for costumes. My way of avoiding peer pressure to dress up, which has been very successful, is to merely wear black pants and a black shirt. The Pièce de résistance is a simple white piece of cardboard which I tuck underneath my collar and voila.....Father Jimmy. You'd be surprised at the number of young attractive women who need a good blessing......

As for the "kiddies", I always buy a bunch of candy, though no kids ever come to my house mainly because of the moat. Some of the fourteen and fifteen year old kids bravely try to swim the moat but most fail to make the crossing because of the alligators. For those who do make it, I always have a couple of Snicker bars as a prize for making it but most of them forego the prize in lieu of safe passage in my rowboat back across the moat. Yeah, I just love the spirit of Halloween.....

The News As I See It: This Halloween, one of the most popular costumes is the Snooki costume. It's easy to make. You just dress up as an orange pumpkin and pass out in a men's room.

Obama just announced a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. He said that forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do. And then he repeated that in Chinese.

A Delta passenger recently proposed to his girlfriend on the plane, after they met on a Delta flight back in 2010. Of course, since it’s Delta, they’ve actually just been stuck on that plane since 2010.

Obama was on the Tonight show Wednesday night. I think he enjoys visiting NBC because they're the only place that has lower numbers than he does.

According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top.

A man from India has become the first 100-year-old person to run a full marathon. He’s 100 years old, but to be fair, he was 94 when he started the race.

A company in Illinois is selling a collectible doll of Obama. The doll can even say a few words, as long as it has a teleprompter.

This Date In History: 1793; Eli Whitney applied for a patent for the cotton gin. 1886; The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland. 1919; Congress passed the Volstead Act, or the National Prohibition Act, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto.

1922; Benito Mussolini took control of the government of Italy. 1940; Italy invaded Greece during World War II. 1958; A new pope was elected - Pope John XXIII. 1962; Nikita Khrushchev told the U.S. that he had ordered the dismantling of Soviet missile bases in Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: Halloween pics and a couple of movies altered a bit for Halloween.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I get scared when I start making the same noises as my coffeemaker. 2) Any man can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. 3) Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween. 4) You know that your grandparents are still having sex when grandma regularly looks at grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 5) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - October 28th: Since Monday is Halloween, I suggest you buy your candy today! By the way, just a warning that if you open your door on Halloween night and find a small bag on fire, do not stomp it out. Trust me on this one and put it out with water. As for today, eat light and remember the best Halloween parties are tonight.

Birthdays: My pal Lourdes - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Eliphalet Remington, gun manufacturer 1793, Auguste Escoffier, authority on cooking 1846, Gilbert H. Grosvenor, editor 1875, Edith Head, fashion designer 1897, Evelyn Waugh, novelist 1903, Jonas Salk, American physician and microbiologist 1914, Dennis Franz, actor 1944, Bill Gates, computer industry pioneer 1955, Julia Roberts. actress 1967, Brad Paisley, singer, songwriter 1972, Joaquin Phoenix, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."

An older woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" Her husband replied,"No, dear, not at all. Our house isn't blue."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."

In the early 20th century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

The service station attendant asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman said, "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." The attendant said, "Ah, that explains it, ma'am........Indians ride bareback."

That's it for today my little papooses. Remember, drive safely this weekend. The life you save may be mine! It's Friday and AREA 51 is calling me to happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


I've never been too good with infants, they make me nervous. To make matters worse, most of the women I've ever known always want me to hold their babies. I'm okay when they stand close to me so that if the baby starts coughing, crying or even worse...peeing, I can always do the old quarterback hand off.

Don't get me wrong, I like it when they start toddling and such, At least if something goes wrong I can figure out what the problem is or sometimes they even tell me. My problem is that they hand me the baby and then walk to the kitchen or another room. Or worse, the ask me if I'd hold the baby while they take a "quick" shower. Uh, I don't know any woman that takes a quick shower......

Last week, I ran into an old friend who had recently given birth and she asked me if I wanted to hold the baby. I told her that infants make me nervous. So I gave her my business card and said, "Tell her I'll hold her when she's 18." She just laughed.....

The News As I See It: Obama was in Los Angeles Monday where he will appear on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno, to highlight the one job that was saved during his administration.

O'Biden said on CNN that he hasn’t made up his mind about whether he’ll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: "Who was raising that question?"

A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, "I didn't even know the guy was Jewish."

Halloween is on Monday and I can't wait. The smiles on those children's faces when they come to the door and taste what's left of the cocktail onions in my refrigerator is priceless.

McDonald’s just announced that they will sell the McRib sandwich only until November 14. So it looks like I'll have to cook for Thanksgiving after all.

A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.

An 87-year-old man in Michigan was arrested after police searched his car and found 228 pounds of cocaine. Police became suspicious when he pulled them over and he really wouldn't stop talking about his grandchildren.

This Date In History: 1774; The First Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia. 1825; The Erie Canal, connecting Lake Erie to the Hudson River, opened. 1881; Wyatt Earp, his two brothers, and Doc Holliday were involved in the gunfight at the O.K. Corral in Tombstone, Arizona. 1975; Anwar Sadat became the first Egyptian president to pay an official visit to the United States.

1979; South Korean president Park Chung Hee was killed by the head of the Korean Central Intelligence Agency. 1994; Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin of Israel and Prime Minister Abdel Salam Majali of Jordan signed a peace treaty in a ceremony attended by President Clinton.

2002; Russian government forces stormed the Moscow theater held by Chechen rebels. More than 100 hostages were killed. 2005; The Chicago White Sox sweep the Houston Astros to win their first World Series in 88 years.

Picture Of The Day: One good thing about the Internet. Things you say may come back to haunt you.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was playing trivia the other night in mixed company and I was sure I was right, but I got overruled. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is the Fiji Islands. 2) Over the years, I've never really fallen in love. I've stepped in it a few times, but never fallen. 3) The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches to the end of the driveway. 4) Someone once asked me, "How did you get started?" I said, "When I was twelve years old, alone in my room." 5) I think that a man in a relationship should forget his mistakes. There's really no use in two people remembering them.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - October 26th: You'd better go shopping. Halloween is coming so if you're going to a party, you’d better figure out a costume or you'll be stuck wearing a salad bowl on your head and calling yourself Justin Bieber.

Birthdays: Domenico Scarlatti, composer 1685, Beryl Markham, aviator 1902,
Francois Mitterrand, political leader, president of France 1916, Bob Hoskins, actor 1942, Pat Conroy, writer 1945, Hillary Rodham Clinton, lawyer and political figure 1947, Keith Urban, singer 1967, Jon Heder, actor 1977, Sasha Cohen, figure skater

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older." The second guy asks, "What do you mean?" The first guy says, "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!" His buddy wondered, "Healthier? How is that?"

The first guy says, "Well, years ago, when we were younger, I almost always turned to her for sex most every night, but she'd get these terrible headaches. Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?" His wife replied, "Darling, your name never came up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributione to today's stories.

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "f*ck you!" A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband. After about half an hour of this the old man said, "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the light to change.

A blonde girl standing next to him saw the large bulge in his shorts. Her eyes beaming with lust, the blonde asked, "What's that ?" The jogger, breathless fron running, gasped, "Tennis ball." The blonde girl said sympathetically, "That must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

That's it for today my little halloweenies. Remember. if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. It's Hump Day and AREA 51 beckons. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 24, 2011

Trophy Wives

You may have heard the term "trophy wife (or girlfriend)." Ostensibly, if you're married or have a girlfriend, that's your "trophy." Of course, not everyone gets a first place trophy. In fact, some guys only get plaques, which I assume is better than "honorable mention." If you marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.

Similarly, it only stands to reason that some women have "trophy husbands." I have no idea what women would classify as a trophy, but I'm assuming that not being broke and having a job would have high priority in the definition.

My friend had a trophy girlfriend and almost married her. When he asked about her past, she said she'd only had two affairs. They broke up about a month later when he learned her two affairs were with the Baltimore Colts and the Green Bay Packers.

The News As I See It: Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.

Obama is going to be a guest on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. I'm surprised, because his popularity is at an all-time low and there are people in the streets marching against him. It's nice of Obama to help him out.

Lindsay Lohan has to go back to court after showing up more than an hour late for community service. Her lawyer says she's got a good excuse. She forgot to steal a watch.

This Date In History: 1648; The treaties for the Peace of Westphalia were signed, ending the Thirty Years War, ultimately destroying the Holy Roman Empire, and ushering in the modern European state system. 1901; Anna Edson Taylor became the first person to survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

1931; The George Washington Bridge, connecting New York and New Jersey, opened to traffic. 1939; Nylon stockings were sold publicly for the first time, in Wilmington, Delaware. 1940; The 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.

1945; The United Nations officially came into being as its charter took effect. 1992; The Toronto Blue Jays became the first non-U.S. team to win the World Series. 2003; The last Concordes landed in London, ending supersonic air travel.

Picture Of The Day: They all ain't trophys......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that God sneezed and I didn't know what to say. 2) My ex-girlfriend was so bad in bed that after we had sex, I drew a chalk outline around her. 3) I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Yesterday, at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, "What kind of cigars do you want?" I said, "Uhhh...Give me a dozen 'Itsaboys'." 4) My nephew has ADHD/HD. He can never sit still, but his picture quality is incredible. 5) I once got into trouble on a date. I didn't open her car door. Instead, I just swam to the surface.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - October 24th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver. You're not, but it's the thought that counts. Today should be good for you but I wouldn't eat any seafood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't go near any body of water.

Birthdays: Antony van Leeuwenhoek, zoologist 1632, Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood, lawyer activist 1830, Moss Hart, dramatist 1904, Denise Levertov, poet 1923, George Crumb, composer 1929, F. Murray Abraham, actor 1939, Kevin Kline, actor 1947, Kweisi Mfume, politician 1948, Wayne Rooney, soccer player 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old person is going to
walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious old man walked up to the
window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Dutch for her contribution to today's stories.

An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a nightclub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she softly strokes his face and asks, "Are you the manager?" The bartender, obviously interested, replies, "No, can I help you?" She says, "Can you get the manager for me? I need to speak to him."

The barman, clearly aroused, says, "No, he's busy right now. Is there anything I can do?" The woman says, "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." She sensuously rubs her fingers across his lips and says, "Tell him that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" Nancy replied tearfully without looking up, "My goldfish and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..." The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"

Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..." The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

That's it for today my little field mice. Remember, time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 21, 2011

Blind Dates

Okay, maybe blind dates aren't quite as bad as I make them seem, but I have never, ever gone on a blind date that didn't end up disastrous in some form or another. I guess I'm more of the type of guy that wants to see, you'll excuse the expression, the "lay of the land" before I make a commitment. I'm relatively sure most women have the same philosophy as I've never known too many women that met their mate on a blind date.

Nevertheless, everyday I see one of those dating services that invite you to pay them money and they will match you up with the woman of your dreams. Fortunately for me, my dreams change every night and I've never felt the need to pay someone to "hook me up".....but I digress.

I know that almost everyone, at least once in their life, has gone on a blind date or at least heard the oft used phrase, "I've got someone I'd like you to meet." This phrase is usually answered by the question, "What does she look like?" Most of the time if the answer contains the phrase, "great personality" or "lots of fun", I find it best to feign some form of illness or temporary insanity.

As for me, I still meet women the same old way. No, not AREA 51. I use the same method that I use when buying fresh vegetables at the super market. I just wander through the aisles, look at the selection, handle the product and make my selection. Uhmmmm.....handling the product is not always an option, but you get the drift......

The News As I See It: It hasn't been a good week for dictator Moammar Gadhafi. A spokesperson for the Libyan rebels said Gadhafi will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

A protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, "Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?"

Michelle Obama said her daughters watch "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" but that President Obama doesn't approve. Obama said, "If I want to see a giant ass who doesn't do anything, I'll have lunch with Joe O'Biden."

There's a new smartphone app that can help you determine if someone is cheating on you. The app is called "Craigslist."

ABC news reports that Moammar Gadhafi had a crush on Condoleezza Rice and even dedicated a photo album exclusively to her. Rice told him she was flattered but she's trying to work things out with Kim Jong Il.

The truck filled with Obozo's teleprompters went missing and Obama was speechless. Meanwhile, Joe O'Biden’s teleprompter shot itself.

This Date In History: 1797; The navy frigate U.S. Constitution, known as "Old Ironsides," was launched in Boston Harbor. 1805; Admiral Horatio Nelson died in the Battle of Trafalgar. 1837; Seminole chief Osceola was captured as he carried a white flag of truce during the Second Seminole War.

1879; Thomas Edison invented a workable incandescent electric lamp. 1959; The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum of modern and contemporary art, designed by architect Frank Lloyd Wright, opened to the public in New York City.

Picture Of The Day: Just practicin' for Halloween.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) "In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress" - John Adams. 2) I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. 3) "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow. 4) Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. 5) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 21st: The plan for today is to stop and smell the roses. I suggest that you don't grab the stalk as it is thorny. Do not apply this theory at happy hour unless you're sure that the lady's name is not also the name of a flower. And, by the way, I said thorny, not horny. There's a difference.

Birthdays: Samuel Taylor Coleridge, poet 1772, Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist and inventor 1833, Dizzy Gillespie, musician 1917, Celia Cruz, singer 1925, Ursula K. Le Guin, writer 1929, Benjamin Netanyahu, Israeli political leader 1949, Carrie Fisher, actress 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes to his doctor and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual, but I seem to have a lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctor replies, "Good grief! I'd better take a look" After the examination, the doctor said, "It's worse than I though and that's just the tip of the iceberg"

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too." The woman asked, "What about the third rose?" The nurse replied, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. He says, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The Policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. He says, "That's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. He says, "Wow! I can't believe's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" The blonde says, "That's easy! He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn't jump off the bridge and the readhead accepted. Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my best friend." The blonde looked at her, "Just take it." The redhead said, "Well, I saw this on the 5:00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off." The blonde laughed, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." They went on and on, then the Greek says, "We invented sex." The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

That's it for today my little guppies. Remember, an object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. I'm going in the right direction to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !