Monday, July 30, 2012

AREA 51 - An Evening At Holleman's Restaurant

My Friday night jaunt to AREA 51 turned out to a great evening. I went to Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs to see my pal Randy and also to see Ileana, a fellow blogger and online friend. The Karaoke show was in full swing and I sat with Randy, reminiscing about our old high school days.

I chatted with Randy and his brother for a while and then Ileana stopped by to say hello. I had a great time talking and joking with Iliana and eventually went up to sing a song. I had several requests, but I sang anyway. I hung out with my friends until the bar closed.

From Hollemans, I headed over to the Billiards Club and caught some of the Olympic programming on the big television screens. Sometime in the wee hours, I figured it was time to race the newspaper boy to my front door and call it a night. The paperboy won this time as I arrived a little after 5 am.

I sat down to have a nightcap and watch television for a while. My only error was that I leaned back in the recliner or as I like to call it, "put it in cruise control." I awoke around 10 am with my cat, Possum sleeping comfortably on my chest. Life is good.....

The News As I See It: A judge has ruled that Katherine Jackson, Michael’s mother, will no longer have custody of Michael’s kids because of bad decisions. Not only that, but they took down her statue from the Neverland Ranch.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. Until then, he said he'll just think about pancakes.

Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure, but not presidential.

The cast of "Modern Family" delayed production for the upcoming season due to a contract dispute. I think I speak on behalf of men everywhere when I say, "Give Sofia Vergara whatever she wants."

This Date In History: 1619; The first legislative assembly in English North America convened in Jamestown, Virginia. 1729; The U.S. city of Baltimore was founded. 1932; The tenth modern Olympic Games opened in Los Angeles.

1945; The USS Indianapolis was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine and sank within 15 minutes. It was one of the greatest naval losses of World War II, resulting in the deaths of nearly 900 men.

1956; The phrase "In God We Trust" was adopted as the U.S. national motto. 1965; President Lyndon Johnson signed the Medicare Bill into law. 1975; Former Teamsters union president James Hoffa was reported missing. Many suspect he was murdered, though his remains have never been found.

1980; The Republic of Vanuatu, formerly known as the New Hebrides, gained its independence from France and Britain. 2002; Lisa Leslie became the first woman to dunk in a professional basketball game.

Picture Of The Day: Mae and Dave's, an old Hialeah, Florida hangout and sort of an institution dating back as long as I can remember.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have never seen a brunette with blond roots. 2) Before Walmart, I used to have to buy a ticket to the circus to see the bearded lady. 3) Always be careful if you go to a bar that has a black light, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. 4) I went to a cigar store and the guy behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys." 5) Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 30th: Now that you're finally getting over your weekend antics, I suggest that you maintain a low profile until all of the various social sites quit running those pictures that seemed funny at the time. Seriously, you're not the first to wear a lampshade as a hat. Chance of romance is 17.62 percent.

Birthdays: My pal Sidney who I watched perform Friday night at Holleman's Restaurant - Happy Birthday young lady! 19XX, Emily Brontë, author 1818, Thorstein Veblen, economist 1857, Henry Ford, American industrialist, pioneer automobile manufacturer 1863, Casey Stengel, baseball player and manager 1891, Henry Moore, sculptor 1898, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, actor(?) 1947, Lisa Kudrow, actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

An old man took a Escalade for a test drive, just to drive that sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all it's wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. The old man said, "This must be a Republican car." The salesman asked why the old man thought it was a Republican car. The old man answered, "If it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round."

While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.

She asked, "What do you think?" Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" Her husband replied, "Better get a bikini. You'd never get it all in one."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Then, halfway through the lecture, he began, "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. The professor said with a broad smile, "Young ladies, the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.

As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, as you slide down the banister of life, make sure the splinters never point the wrong way. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, July 27, 2012

2012 London Olympics - Go Team USA !

After seven years of hard training, long nights in AREA 51, selfless sacrifice and a number of career-threatening injuries, I am now in perfect condition for my big night at London 2012. I'll be watching the Opening Ceremony in AREA 51 with a few glasses of Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks.

The opening ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics in London will feature the parade of athletes from 107 bankrupt nations. In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop, so there's still hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.

This year, the Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of "Buzzkillistan."

The Olympics is not a sport but several peculiar sports, each of which only commands your attention every four years, sort of like a dental appointment.

All joking aside, the London Olympics Opening Ceremony 2012 schedule begins at 9 p.m. London time (3 p.m. Central Time) on Friday. NBC's tape-delayed coverage airs Friday evening. NBC is live streaming the rest of the Olympics.

The big story in Los Angeles is that the L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. You know this means? Some people may have to resort to buying non-medical marijuana. In California! Hah! Good luck finding that!

The News As I See It: The Obama campaign spent more money in June than it took in. Every businessman will tell you, you can’t run a campaign like that. Apparently, you can run a government like that, but not a campaign.

The President of Mexico announced that Mexico will not participate in the upcoming London Olympic Games. He said, "Pretty much everyone who can run, jump or swim has already left the country."

Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter.

The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.

A report shows that smoking marijuana can help eliminate diarrhea. It's true. The finding was called significant by doctors and a win-win by Taco Bell.

Germany has opened a new hotline that lets people call in and yell curse words at strangers on the other end. We have something similar in America. It's called AOL Time Warner customer service.

European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

The Olympics can inspire American kids to get active....or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.

This Date In History: 1861; Union general George B. McClellan was put in command of the Army of the Potomac during the Civil War. 1940; Bugs Bunny made his debut in the cartoon "A Wild Hare." 1940; Billboard magazine published its first singles record chart (for the week of July 20).

1953; An armistice was signed ending the Korean War. 1974; The House Judiciary Committee voted to impeach Richard Nixon for obstructing justice in the Watergate case. 1995; The Korean War Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, DC.

1996; A pipe bomb exploded in an Atlanta park during the Olympic Games. 2003; Comedian Bob Hope died in his home, at the age of 100. 2003; Lance Armstrong won his fifth straight Tour de France, tying Miguel Indurain's record.

Picture Of The Day: It's rumored that the long distance runner from Indonesia via Kenya might be a ringer.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was walking down the street with a friend and he said, "I hear music." I said, "That's the way I take it in as well." 2) Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone gets scared. "Tom's gone!".... "Is he a magician?".... "No.".... "Then let's print up some flyers!" 3) On a billboard for the lottery, it said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I didn't know that the amount was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry." 4) If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. 5) I hope I'm the last guy on earth - I want to see if all those women were lying to me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 27th: You may be torn between watching the Olympics this weekend or finishing your to-do list. While that decision may be difficult, the art of procrastination may help you decide. Chance of romance is 53.17 percent.

Birthdays: My niece Kristi and my pal Cynthia - Happy Birthday ladies ! 19XX, I certainly would be remiss (and possibly hog-tied) if I didn't mention that my good friend and fellow blogger Pauline will celebrate her birthday tomorrow. Happy Birthday Paula 19XX, Alexandre Dumas, French dramatist and novelist 1824, Leo Durocher, baseball player 1905, Norman Lear, television producer 1922, Bharati Mukherjee, writer 1940, Peggy Fleming, ice skater 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: In the Olympic trials heat for the 200 meter Olympic women's breaststroke, eight women entered the race. After approximately 2 minutes and 10 seconds, the swimmer from Australia won the race. 5 seconds later, the swimmer from France was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 40 minutes later, Rose, the blonde American swimmer finally completed the race. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the breaststroke race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'"

After hiring a beautiful new maid, a man was asked by his wife, "Did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you have found some beefy, East European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?" Her husband replied, "Well, I asked for one, but it's an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. The man released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, he felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake...with two more frogs.

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

A voice answered, "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" Father O'Malley said, "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

That's it for today, my little guppies. Remember, if it weren't for marriage, you would have gone through life thinking you had no faults at all. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

My Boomerang Won't Come Back

I'm not the young man I used to be. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like Elvis Presley, but I'm now in my Vegas years and the toilet has become a friend. You know your getting older when you wake up in the morning with no aches or pains and become anxious that something's wrong.

It just doesn't pay to even hang out with older guys. One night an old friend asked me if he could go to AREA 51 with me. When I picked him up, a lovely young woman happened to walk by at the same time. He got so nervous that his pacemaker opened his garage door. He asked me, "Do you think we'll get lucky tonight?" I told him getting lucky means remembering where we parked the car.

He told me he'd thought he'd get a little action that night. I said, "You might if you remembered to take your fiber." He said, "It  would be great to have an "all-nighter." I told him an "all nighter" means you won't have to get up three times to pee.

Later that night, he became enamoured with an older woman. I know that she liked him because she looked at his crotch and clapped twice.....but nothing happened. I told him that if he was lucky, her Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed will be set for "doggy style."  

The News As I See It: The Olympics take place during Ramadan and some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. After sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.

The apartment that Obama used to live in when he was a college student in New York is now up for rent for $2,400 a month. Coincidentally, Obama was only there for one four-year term.

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.

The Romney campaign raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.

Kim Kardashian's mother, Kris Jenner, wants to host her own talk show while Kim's step-dad, Bruce Jenner, just wants to be able to blink.

This Date In History: 1946; The United States tested the first underwater atomic bomb at Bikini Atoll. 1952; Puerto Rico became a commonwealth of the United States. 1956; The Italian liner Andrea Doria sank after colliding with the Swedish ship Stockholm off the New England coast, killing 51 people.

1978; The world's first test-tube baby, Louise Joy Brown, was born in Lancashire, England. 1984; Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to walk in space. 2000; The supersonic airliner Concorde crashed after takeoff outside Paris.

Picture Of The Day: Without a doubt, "The Big Bang Theory" has taken the number one spot for comedy from "Two and A Half Men." Ashton Kutcher will never have the comedic talent to replace Charlie Sheen and the writers have dropped the ball as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. 2) I never use the phrase "camel-toe." I call it "the reason I go to yoga exercise." 3) On a traffic light yellow means yield and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana? 4) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. 5) I can't wait to finish today's post, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 25th: You've got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and demand retribution as the next person, but wearing a hat will complicate matters. Bear in mind that experience is something you don't get until just after you need it, so use caution if you go to happy hour tonight. Chance of romance is 28.16 percent with the hat and 56.34 percent without the hat. You make the call. 

Birthdays: Henry Knox, officer 1750, Thomas Eakins, painter, photographer, sculptor 1844, Arthur Balfour, statesman 1848, Walter Payton, football player 1954, Matt LeBlanc, actor 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking about life. Somewhere around their fourth pint of ale, the old man says to the young man, "Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretching out across the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo."

The old Scot continued, "Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretchin’ across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Noooo."

After a swig of ale, the old man said, "Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Noooo."

Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers, "But ya screw one goat….."

The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours."

The reporter questioned, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Of course, but don't put that in your paper."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. He asks, "Brenda, may I come in? I've somethin' to tell ya." Brenda says, "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

Tim says, "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery....." Brenda cries, "Oh, God no! Please don't tell me......" Tim says, "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim and asked, "How did it happen, Tim?" Tim replied, "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Brenda says, "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" Tim says, "Well, no Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down on the bar. About that time, a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the beer. The man asks the bartender who owns the monkey. The bartender replies, "The piano player".

The angry man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a little of it, I'll try to play it."

Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony. The second guy said, "I don't believe it."

So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told you," he says. The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and finally.....splat on the ground.

The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink. As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're mean when you're drunk, Superman."

That's it for today, my little sugar snaps. Remember, when it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere. I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. Maybe I'll meet a green chick.... Nah, probably not, Easter is too far away. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, July 23, 2012

A Dark Night

The recent tragedy in Aurora, Colorado left me with a profound emptiness. The senselessness of it all has affected all of America and my heart goes out to the victims and their families in their time of need. There are some who will rush to call for the banning of guns and, to a degree, I would be in favor of banning the sale of assault weapons.

These bans, however, have never and will never keep arms and ammunition away from those people who commit these kind of crimes. They have never stopped criminals in the past and a ban will not stop them now.

As for the low life who committed this cowardly act, the insanity defense will certainly be a tool they will turn to. Personally, I would give him the death penalty. For those who say he didn't know what he was doing and is therefore insane, I assure you that if that happens to be true, he will be blissfully unaware as I execute him. 

There are those who have said that women could not become president or hold high office because their judgement may become impaired at certain times of the month. I'm not sure of the scientific validity of those thoughts, but if that's the case, I definitely would not qualify either. I have testicles and my judgement becomes impaired several times a day.

The News As I See It: Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee the economic recovery is weakening. The good news is most Americans will not be affected because they had no idea there was a recovery.

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists it has something to do with breast implants. It's not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.

Obama said 1992’s Olympic dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. That's interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president.

A new study claims that for the first time ever, Canadians are wealthier than Americans. as it turns out, we are now their Mexico.

This Date In History: 1829; William Burt patented a forerunner of the typewriter. 1885; Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died at Mount McGregor, New York, at age 63.

1914; Austria and Hungary issued an ultimatum to Serbia after the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, precipitating World War I. 1945; Vichy government leader Marshal Henri Petain went on trial for treason.

1952; Revolution erupted in Egypt as the military took power in a bloodless coup. The following year the monarchy was abolished and, for the first time since the pharaohs, Egypt was again ruled by Egyptians. 1995; The Hale-Bopp comet was discovered by Alan Hale and Thomas Bopp.

Picture Of The Day: The violence and bloodshed from Mexican drug cartels continue. The new national stamp of Mexico.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Black Angus employees must always on high alert in case that the "g" goes out on the neon sign. 2) I like my coffee like I like my women - sent back for not being hot enough. 3) When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? 4) In Hawaiian, they say it takes over five words to say "I love you." All it takes for me is a pineapple and twenty dollars. 5) My skydiving friend asked if I knew how high he has to be when he jumps. I told him I didn't know but three days of steady drinking ought to do it.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 23rd: Wake up in a trash container again? Don't let your drinking get you down, go out and have a beer. You have many more years ahead of you. Today will be much better and even if you wake up in the trash bin again, the food will be fresher. Chance of romance is 57.12 percent if you're able to navigate home safely.

Birthdays: Jane Long, early settler in Texas 1798, Raymond Chandler, author 1888, Haile Selassie, emperor of Ethiopia (1930–74) 1892, Anthony McLeod Kennedy, associate justice 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Last summer, John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

John said, "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." The woman says, "Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, here goes...I'm a hooker."

John was quiet for a moment, then he replied, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your left wrist straight on your follow-through."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." He replied, "My darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, I would like a Martuni." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. Once again, the lady said, "Barbender, I would like another Martuni". Again the bartender brought her a Martini.

By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martunis are giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martuni, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

Two guys from New Orleans were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them."

God continued, "She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history.....

That's it for today, my little artichokes. Remember, anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, July 20, 2012

John Garnett Is Alive And Well

For those of you who have asked me about John Garnett, I'm pleased to tell you that he's alive and well and living in Pennsylvania (hey, two out of three ain't bad). I spoke to Johnny G yesterday and he gave his computer to a family member because theirs was broken.

In the interim, John said that he found he was spending way too much time on the computer and is now doing more things outside the his home, both physically and socially.

John lost his wife Debbie about three years ago and has been a bit down since then, which is understandable. He recently decided to try to let go of the past and move on, which, in my opinion, is a healthy and necessary choice.

I made sure to tell Johnny G that everyone has been asking about him and that we miss hearing from him. Johnny G sends his thanks and love to all his friends and hopes to be back online as soon as he resolves his computer situation.

The News As I See It: Jobless claims rose again by 35,000 last week. Not good, but it does show that if you're unsuccessful in this country, you didn't do it on your own. You had help. Thank you, Obama.

Officials in Connecticut found two goats and 25 chickens living in an apartment. It was really confusing because only the goats were on the lease.

John Sununu is in hot water for saying that, "I wish president Obama would learn how to be an American." Well, that's kind of insulting, don't you think? Obama spends money he doesn't have. He loves to skip work and play golf. He sneaks away from his wife to smoke cigarettes and eat fatty foods. What is more American than that?

A group of Burger King employees have been fired for taking a photo of themselves with their feet in the restaurant's lettuce. A spokesman for Burger King says, “Great, there goes our secret recipe."

The United States Postal Service is about to default on $5.5 billion. They made the payment but the check got lost in the mail.

The Obama administration has reportedly told Syrian rebels that they can't help them until after the election. At least the administration is consistent. That's the same thing they've been telling us, "Can't help you until after the election."

7-eleven stores in Singapore debuted a new food dispenser, an instant mashed potato dispenser. This means the Indonesians are pulling ahead of us in the cholesterol race. This is serious. We may have to raise our threat level to defcon bacon.

There's a new slow-moving storm in the pacific called hurricane Fabio. Meteorologists expect hurricane Fabio to touch the coastline, caress it softly, and then whisper, "I can't believe it's not butter."

A new study found that Facebook games can cause kids to develop gambling problems. That is not good. I'd hate to see a kid's gambling addiction get in the way of his Facebook addiction.

Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.

Obama recently announced that he created a new job. Congratulations to Amelio Markham from Smithsburg, Maryland, on his new job, making charts illustrating Obama's downward spiraling approval ratings.

This Date In History: 1810; Colombia declared independence from Spain. 1881; Fugitive Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull surrendered to federal troops. 1951; King Abdullah I of Jordan was assassinated.

1960; Sirima Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka (then Ceylon) became the world's first woman prime minister. 1969; Astronaut Neil A. Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon.

1985; Treasure hunters found the Spanish galleon Nuestra Senora de Atocha, which sank off the coast of Key West, Florida, in 1622 during a hurricane. The ship contained over $400 million in coins and silver ingots.

Picture Of The Day: The best of us sometimes need to hide in plain sight.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My uncle used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got him fired. 2) The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to lie on it. 3) I had amnesia once - maybe twice. 4) At the end of a letter I like to write, "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated." 5) It seems that every athlete wants to have their face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Jimmy and Pop".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 20th: An old friend from your childhood will make contact with you in the coming weeks. Keep that in mind as you recount some of your funniest childhood pranks on Facebook.....and tie your damned shoes! Chance of romance is rather bleak today coming in at 14.81 percent. Don't fret, the weekend looks promising!

Birthdays: My pals Jackie and Sandra - Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, Petrarch, poet and humanist 1304, Sir Edmund Hillary, New Zealand mountain climber and explorer 1919, Elliot Lee Richardson, government official 1920, Cormac McCarthy, novelist 1933, Natalie Wood, actress 1938, Carlos Santana musician 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

A father bought a Lie Detector Robot that slaps you when you lie. He decided to test it out on his son at supper table. The father asked the son, "Where were you last night?" His son replied, "I was at the library." The robot slapped the son who fessed up, "OK, I was at a friend's house, watching a movie."

The father asked, "What movie were you watching?  The kid answered, "Toy Story." The robot slapped the son again. The son cried out, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn!"

The father yelled, "What? When I was your age I did not know what porn was." The robot slapped the father. The mother laughed and said, "He certainly is your son." The robot slapped the mother.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jeanne and my always reliable pal Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

Little Johnny comes down for breakfast and since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores. Little Johnny replies, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well he's pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

Little Johnny asks, "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy declared, "My Father is better than your Father!" Johnny responded, "No, he's not!" Billy said, "My brother is better than you brother!" Johnny said, "He is not! He is not!"

Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!" A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once.

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh What a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny." The Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?"

The mother said "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said "Well, that's good, 'cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!"

That's it for today, my little cotton balls. Remember, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I'm going to a new AREA 51 place tonight that I occasionally frequent. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Have You Ever Wondered.....?

I find that life is sometimes nothing more than a series of unanswered questions. For example, If I happen to crack corn and no one cares, then why is there a song about me? What are those heads about on Easter Island? If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make the sound? Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies?

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder, how does a shepherd count his sheep without falling asleep? Is it legal for your parrot to testify against you in court? Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost over night. Did Brylcreem possibly lie to us years ago when they said a little dab will do you? What do people in China call their good plates?

You see, it's not always politics, the economy or being politically correct. Sometimes more pressing questions surface and leave you wondering, do married people live longer than single ones or does it just seem longer? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets and what would Geronimo have shouted if he ever jumped from an airplane? 

Yes, my little peanut butter cups, sometimes we're just left wondering if fat people go skinny dipping or do they just chunky dunk?

The News As I See It: It looks like designer Ralph Lauren is trying to calm the controversy over the fact that those Olympic uniforms they produced were made in China. He now says the uniforms they make for the 2014 winter Olympics will be made right here in the USA using our own good old fashioned illegal immigrants.

Mitt Romney is close to announcing his running mate. Apparently Romney wants a female with a strong stage presence and the free time to campaign, so I'm guessing Steven Tyler.

During the recent USA-Brazil basketball game, Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. Then, everyone was like, "quick, put him on the fix the economy cam!"

The big news in Washington is the disappearance of Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. Nobody can find him. He's completely disappeared. People think he's either in rehab or he might have been given his own show on CNN.

According to a new report, the average Canadian is now richer than the average American. This is bad news for Americans and worse news for those Mexicans who now have to tunnel all the way to Canada.

Katie Holmes' car was hit by a garbage truck. Cops are looking for the driver of the truck who is believed to be Tom Cruise. They weren't positive because they couldn’t see him over the steering wheel.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un is like 18 years old and he has a beautiful girlfriend....a stunning, lovely girlfriend. They met through the North Korean dating service Match.commie.

A new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under Obama while the rest of Florida’s voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president.

Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

Fifty Shades of Grey, the popular book, has caused more hysteria among middle-aged women than an Ann Taylor clearance sale.

This Date In History: 64; A great fire began that ultimately destroyed most of Rome. The emperor Nero blamed it on Christians and began the first Roman persecution of them. 1925; The first volume of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf was published. 1936; The Spanish Civil War began.

1947; President Harry S. Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act. 1976; 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci earned the first perfect score, a ten, at the Olympics and went on to score six more tens and win three gold medals. 1999; New York Yankee David Cone pitched the 16th perfect game in baseball history.

Picture Of The Day: Easter Island Statues have bodies. Who knew? The Stone Statues in Easter Island have bodies! This is absolutely incredible. Here we've been thinking for all these years that they were just heads. What really blows my mind is that nobody thought to dig around them before.

They are going to be absolutely huge when they are completely excavated. It all just adds to the mystery of these amazing sculptures. Maybe now they can get more information about them seeing as they have writings on them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 2) They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken. 3) How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F*ck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "Bingo!" 4) The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 5) Teach your child to be polite and courteous and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto the expressway.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 18th: You can test yourself today by attempting to abstain from gratuitous sex. Wednesday will be a good day for you this month, but which Wednesday in particular is up to you. Of course you realize that your chance of romance is 01.83 percent if you decide to abstain. Then again, Tuesdays are usually a pretty good day.

Birthdays: My father, James Sr - Happy Birthday Dad! 1911, Robert Hooke, physicist, mathematician, and inventor 1635, William Thackeray, novelist 1811, Jessamyn West, novelist 1902, S. I. Hayakawa, scholar, former U.S. Senator 1906, John Glenn, astronaut 1921, Dick Button, figure skater 1929, Yevgeny Yevtushenko, poet 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of your stick, we'd be riding the shut up."

One morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied "I am, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him."

The woman said, "You're right sir I think I will report him." The old man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Regina and Wally for their contributions to today's stories/

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obamacare. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the asshole(s) in Washington.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

That's it for today, my little hula hoops. Remember, a liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !