Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy New Year

It's New Year's Eve and due to this lingering chest cold, I have decided to bench myself as even the best quarterback's passes go incomplete if he's not at one hundred percent. Nevertheless, I wish each and everyone of you a very Happy New Year.

The News As I See It: Things are slow today which reminds me of my last sojourn to a restaurant on New Year's Eve where I was put on a waiting list. I left when I heard the Maitre d' announce, "Donner? Party of 89...Donner?"

This Date In History: 1879; Thomas Edison gave the first public demonstration of an electric incandescent lamp. 1938; The first breath test for drivers, "drunkometer," was introduced in Indianapolis.

1946; President Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II. 1961; The Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.

1963; Central African Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland was formally dissolved. 1964 The al-Fatah guerrillas of Yasser Arafat launched their first terrorist raid on Israel. 1987; Robert Mugabe sworn in as Zimbabwe's president.

Picture Of The Day: Obama's New Year's resolution is to continue his tradition of pissing off America with his dumb ass moves. The boy is making President Jimmy Carter look like Einstein.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. 2) An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the guests leave along with the old year. 3) Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes. 4) The thing my brother loves most about this hot Florida weather is the short skirts and low tops although they do make him look a bit gay. 5) When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - December 31st: Tantalizing new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today. Early evidence may be the plethora of Happy New Year signs hanging about. The faster you travel today, the more likely you are to be stopped by the police and given a speeding ticket.

Birthdays: Jacques Cartier, explorer 1491, Charles Cornwallis, general 1738, Henri Matisse, French artist 1869, Elizabeth Arden, beautician, business executive 1878, George C. Marshall, general and cabinet member 1880, Simon Wiesenthal, writer, activist 1908, Anthony Hopkins, actor 1937, Ben Kingsley, actor 1943, John Denver, singer, entertainer 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. He said, "You need to make sure this dog runs around. Try playing a game of fetch with him."

The blonde said, "I can't play fetch with my dog." The doctor said. "Why not?" She replied, "He can't throw."

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road, approaches the blonde lady driver and asks, "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident!"

She continued, "I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror,the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two men are talking and one man says to the other, "I went for my routine checkup today." His friend asked, "Is everything okay?"

The man said, "Everything was going fine until he stuck his finger up my ass." His friend smiled and said, "That's normal procedure." The man replied, "So you don't think I should change dentists?"

The phone rang at the front desk of the hotel and the desk clerk answered, "Treymor Hotel, how can I help you?" A man answered, "You have to send someone up to my room immediately. My wife and I just had an argument and she says she's going to jump out of the window."

The clerk says. "Well sir, I'll try to send someone up to your room but that's really a personal matter." The man replied, "Listen here sir, the window won't open and that's a maintenance matter!"

That's it for today, my little revelers. Remember, a New Year's resolution is just something that goes in one year and out the other. I'm still  feeling a bit peaked with this chest cold, so I'm probably going to skip the AREA 51 festivities tonight.

Have a great New Year's Eve and a Happy New Year. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 29, 2014

Looking Forward To The New Year

Monday has been rough. It's that rare time of year that the holidays fall midweek, so socially, it's like non-stop celebrations for two weeks. Today, I'm fighting off a chest cold that has kept me napping most of the day, hence the lateness of today's post.

Wednesday is New Year's Eve, New Year's day brings non-stop football games and this particular weekend, my friend Luly is celebrating her birthday.

Yes. I love New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot, unless, of course, those tests come back positive. Age may be creeping in and spoiling my New Year's resolutions though. It's getting to be that a New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My first priority, however, is to evict the troll who is attempting to set up residence in my chest or I may find myself living vicariously through other peoples New Year's Eve pictures on Facebook.

The News As I See It: The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring.

Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil and number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.

This Date In History: 1170; Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, was murdered by four knights acting under the orders of Henry II. 1845; Texas became the 28th state in the United States. 1851; The first Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) opened in Boston.

1890; The last major battle of the Indian Wars, at Wounded Knee Creek, took place with hundreds of Indian men, women, and children massacred. 1937; The Constitution of Ireland, changing the Irish Free State into Eire, went into effect.

1940; During World War II, Germany began dropping incendiary bombs on London. 1989; Vaclav Havel was elected president of Czechoslovakia. 1996; A peace agreement was signed, ending 36 years of conflict in Guatemala.

Picture Of The Day: I'm hoping that I can beat this chest cold and join in on Wednesday nights revelries...... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2) In the South, we don't hide crazy. We parade it around on the front porch and give it sweet tea. 3) Foreign Aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. 4) As much as I can't stand Obama, do you realize that we are just one heart beat away from President Biden? 5) Three out of four voices in my head want to sleep. The other voice wants to know if penguins have knees.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - December29th: A romantic excursion to an luxury hotel and casino may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Cover the bed in rose petals, place some chocolates on your loved-one's pillow and bring some beautiful flowers. Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and make love but it's really not the same ambiance and the room service is not as good. If you insist on gambling at the roulette table, play $5 on number 38.

Birthdays: Charles Goodyear, invented vulcanized rubber 1800, Andrew Johnson, 17th President of the United States 1808, William Gladstone, statesman 1809, Pablo Casals, virtuoso cellist 1876, William "Billy" Mitchell, aviator, soldier 1879, Vera Brittain, novelist, poet 1893, Mary Tyler Moore, actress 1936, Jon Voight, actor, director, writer 1938, Patricia Clarkson, actor 1959, Jude Law, actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

A country boy came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

The fireman replied, "Okay! How do we get there?" The country boy says, "Don’t you guys still have those big red trucks?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Mother, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? His mother replied, "Because he was conceived during a great storm."

Then the boy asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" His mother answered, "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? His mother said, "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived."

The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why do you ask?"

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?" The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

That's it for today, my little pine cones. Remember, he who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 26, 2014

Christmas Eve Becomes Christmas Day

My Christmas was very nice, but I didn't get exactly what I wanted. I got a sweater but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. I also got a new shirt and a piece of ass. Both were too big. But overall, I was pleased with Santa's choices.

Most of the neighborhood Latins held their annual Noche Buena parties and they smell of roasted pork waffled in the air. Unfortunately, my nearest neighbor also had a karaoke machine with an apparently broken volume control.

I happen to enjoy Latin music but evidently the majority of my neighbor's guests had never heard themselves sing before as not one of the group could be considered a singer, unless you're referring to a sewing machine.

As the evening progressed, the drinks began to take their effect and the volume rose. At one point, a woman with a very loud voice apparently hijacked the microphone and began quasi-rambling to music, ad nauseum.

I never saw the woman but using my years of experience going to the annual Calle Ocho festival, I mentally visualized her wearing bulging skin tight orange pants, a leopard blouse and too much make-up. That sounds like a double scotch, double bagger, but that's just me......

The News As I See It: Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer.

Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.

Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children or as it's called in China, a job fair.

This Date In History: 1776; George Washington defeated the Hessians at Trenton. 1865; James H. Nason received a patent for a coffee percolator. 1966; The first Kwanzaa is celebrated.

1972; The 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman, died in Kansas City, Missouri. 1985; Zoologist Dian Fossey was found murdered in Rwanda.

1996 JonBenet Ramsey was found murdered in her Boulder, Colorado home. 2004; In the Indian Ocean, a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, the largest in 40 years, triggered a tsunami that ultimately killed more than 280,000.

Picture Of The Day: This pic really caught my eye.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Duct tape can't fix stupid but it can muffle the sound. 2) Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving  3) They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. At this point in my life, I should be able to bench-press a Buick. 4) I'll bet that when Hugh Hefner dies, no one will say, "He's in a better place." 5) When I was married, one of the kids found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my wife's dresser drawer. I explained that Mom was a Super Hero.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - December 26th: The road to success will be free of traffic today, assuming you remembered your drivers license and proof of insurance. Don't stray into unfamiliar waters unless you are wearing a life vest. Chances of romance are 41.98 percent, but you may get lucky anyway. Did you know that 42 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

Birthdays Frederick II, Holy Roman emperor 1194, Thomas Gray, poet 1716, Charles Babbage, mathematician 1791, Mao Zedong, Founder of People's Republic of China 1893,  George Dewey, admiral 1837, Steve Allen, comedian, actor, author 1921, Carlton Fisk, baseball player 1947, Jared Leto, actor 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Johnny's birthday is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants for his birthday. If he curses while he tells you his wish, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gift he requests."

Two days before his birthday, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted. Johnny answered, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up and when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

The day of his birthday, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

The next day, his friend asked, "What did you get for your birthday?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny.

Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting. Mary."

Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"

Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, 'Oh God!' If it hadn't been for Dad on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a Detroit boy who was going into the 5th grade for the 3rd time.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu." The audience went wild! They wondered how the Detroit boy could top that?!

The clock started again and the Detroit boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

That's it for today, my little goslings. Remember, if you have to release bad news to the public, it helps if you are not ugly. No AREA 51 for me tonight. It's going to be a laid back weekend.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas Eve and Santa has begun his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his list to see who's been naughty and who's been nice, so I'm relatively sure I won't be one of his stops. But there's still hope for you, my little sleigh belles, and if per chance he doesn't stop by your house either, he didn't hear anything from me.

I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Younger men traditionally make the error of a hasty, last minute purchase but soon catch on after a few years seeing "that look" in her eyes when she opens her gift. It is a look that is never forgotten over the duration of their relationship.

Smart, more experienced women have already learned how to get the gift they really want. They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location and a picture and pertinent details of the present along with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what she wants.

Men's wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice.

Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox. Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.

So that's the basic shopping plans for today and tomorrow. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!

The News As I See It: Everybody celebrates the holidays differently. This year many people are traveling to theme parks. They're going to events like Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party and, of course, the most popular event — go play while mommy and daddy drink.

KFC in Japan will continue its tradition of offering customers a Christmas dinner, which includes chicken, wine, cake, and champagne. For no extra charge, you can tell the cashier how you didn't see your life ending up like this.

This Date In History: 1524; Portuguese navigator Vasco da Gama died in Cochin, India. 1814; The War of 1812 between America and Britain ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent. 1818; "Silent Night" was composed by Franz Joseph Gruber.

1865; The Ku Klux Klan was formed in Pulaski, Tennessee. 1871; Giuseppe Verdi's opera Aida premiered in Cairo, Egypt, at the opening of the Suez Canal.

1943; Gen. Dwight Eisenhower was appointed supreme commander of Allied Forces by President Franklin Roosevelt. 1992; President Bush pardoned former defense secretary Caspar Weinberger and five others in the Iran-Contra scandal.

Picture Of The Day: The holidays are great times for all of God's creatures.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Barry and Michelle Obama say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Michele says they used to, but she got tired of Obie promising big things and not delivering. 2) A friend asked what I thought about foreign affairs. I told him, "I don't know, I never had one."  3) They say that it's healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out square dancing across America.

4) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that a chicken is food, not a roommate. 5) During my first marriage, our parents advised us to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife still got pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - December 24th: The post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that for once is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder. If it's a nice gift and there's no return address on it, it's from me. Merry Christmas! It took hours to find the perfect gift for you.

Birthdays: Kit Carson, American frontiersman and guide 1808, James Prescott Joule, physicist 1818, Juan Ramón Jiménez, lyric poet 1881, Howard Hughes, business executive 1905, Ava Gardner, actress 1922, Mary Higgins Clark, novelist 1931, Ricky Martin, singer 1971, Ryan Seacrest, TV personality 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says. "Been on holiday yet, lads?'' John says, We're off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim nods in agreement.

The bartender says, "Ah, England! Wonderful Country... the history, the beer, the culture....'' John says, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.''

The bartender asks, "So why keep going to England?" John replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless. The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

An old man went to the mall to buy Christmas cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet displays of hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods." The old man says, "Really?" The clerk said, "Yes sir, they’re called darts."

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.

They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Some times they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night.....early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

That's it for today, my little snowflakes. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Have a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 22, 2014

Friday Night At Sabores Restaurant

My Friday night trek to AREA 51 took me to Sabores Restaurant for Karaoke and dancing. I sat with Luly and Paul, Ileana and Sandra. My back was to the stage, but as you can see above, my view was much better.

Luly brought cheesecake and I declined a slice, only to find out the next day, it was a guava cheesecake. I love guava cheesecake. Although Luly made it for her, I now realize why Ileana quietly absconded with the treat later in the night.

As usual, there were many good singers Friday night, including Luly and Carol, both of whom have great voices. As Paul and I concurred, there were also a few whose acts needed work, but it's all in fun and that's all that matters.

Both Ileana and Sandra recently celebrated birthdays and that was really why we were there. As usual, Luly went out of her way in the planning, assuring we had a reserved table. I sang a couple of songs Friday night, as well.

Later in the evening, they played a merengue, a dance I love, and I danced with Luly. During the dance, my brain kept sending me messages that I would pay for this on Saturday. My brain was wrong. I payed Saturday and Sunday!

But it was worth the price! Everyone had fun and we sang and danced. A night with friends is always a memory, especially during the holidays.....

The News As I See It: The White House hosted its annual Hanukkah party and everything was going great until Biden pulled on a rabbi's beard and said, "Hey! You're not Santa."

The U.S. is re-establishing relations with Cuba. But before Obama can lift the embargo, it will need approval from the Republican-controlled Congress — or as Republicans who called Obama said, "Close, but no cigar."

Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.

Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.

This Date In History: 1772; Construction of the first schoolhouse west of the Allegheny Mountains was started in Schoenbrunn, Ohio, by Moravian missionaries. 1807; The U.S. Congress passed the Embargo Act.

1864; During the Civil War, Union general William T. Sherman sent a message to President Lincoln saying, "I beg to present you as a Christmas gift the city of Savannah."

1894; French army officer Capt. Alfred Dreyfus was convicted of treason in a court-martial. 1989; Playwright Samuel Beckett died at age 83. 1989; Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu was overthrown. 2001; Hamid Karzai sworn in as president of Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: Singing "Going To Chicago Blues".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can't figure out why there is an expiration date on croutons and sour cream. 2) Those commercials showing how detergents take out bloodstains lead me to believe that if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. 3) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 4) At the AREA 51 bar Friday night, the bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my ex-mother-in-law. 5) Every time I walk into AREA 51 for happy hour, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - December 22nd : Today will start slow, but most Mondays do anyway, so no worries. Cloudy skies will clear and the stars will come out. The moon, like a testicle, hangs low. Signs point toward a great evening and the chance of romance is 72.37 percent.

Birthdays: James Oglethorpe, founder of the American colony of Georgia 1696, Thomas Wentworth Higginson, abolitionist 1823, Giacomo Puccini, composer of operas 1858, Connie Mack, baseball player and manager 1862, Edwin Arlington Robinson, poet 1869, Dame Peggy Ashcroft, actress 1907, Lady Bird Johnson, first Lady 1912, Diane Sawyer, television journalist 1945, Ralph Fiennes, actor 1962, Jordin Sparks, singer 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been using chewing gum."

Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for the two women who are ahead of them at the next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes, but soon get irritated at the amount of time the women are taking to play the hole.

One of the men decides that enough is enough. He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there and tell those two to hurry up!" He starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he returns to his friend.

His friend asks, "What's wrong?" The other man replies, "I can't go over there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress." His friend tells him, "That's okay, I'll go talk to them."

He too starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he too returns to his friend. He tells his friend, "Small world..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

The attorney began complaining and insulting the nurse, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out!

He continues cursing at the nurse as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room and says "What's going on here?" The attorney snottily answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

A couple is skinny dipping in a lake and when they return to shore, they discover that pranksters have stolen their clothes and blanket. Embarrassed, the couple run to their car and began driving back to their home.

The boyfriend is so busy trying to drive and console his nervous girlfriend that he crashes the car into a tree outside of a neighborhood bar and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat.

He tells his girlfriend to go inside the bar and get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe, cover your breasts with one hand, your pubic area with the shoe, and get help!"

She takes the shoe and runs into the bar. Inside, the bar is almost deserted with the exception of the town drunk. She runs over to the drunk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The drunks replies, "I’m sorry lady, but I think he's too far in."

That's it for today, my little candy canes. Remember, you can have the body of a twenty-five year old, providing you buy her a few drinks first.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !