Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Counting Down To 2016

Tomorrow night is New Year's Eve and, as usual, I haven't made any plans yet. But every year I seem to find a way to celebrate the New Year. I usually try to stay close to home as all the amateur drinkers are on the road.

On top of that, most restaurants and bars raise their prices and I'm not in the mood to have my pocket picked for a glass of bad champagne, a hat and some form of noise maker. But if you've never had the pleasure of being out on New Year's Eve, I guess you have to try it once or twice.

I thought about making some new year's resolutions but the thought just made me laugh in that I haven't made any resolutions in years. The resolutions I made in the early years were broken within the first week. So much for that.....

The News As I See It: The time to make your annual New Year's resolutions is nearing. Don't worry, next week you can begin paving hell with them, as usual.

People in the news are asking where Condoleeza Rice's first name came from. Neither her Uncle Ben nor her less successful sister Apartamentarenta Rice knew.

This Date In History: 1853; The United States bought some 45,000 square miles of land from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase. 1911; Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China.

1922; The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was established through the confederation of Russia, Byelorussia, Ukraine, and Transcaucasian Federation. 1940; California's first freeway opened.

1972; President Nixon halted the heavy bombing on North Vietnam. 1993; Israel and the Vatican signed an agreement of mutual recognition to put an end to Jewish-Christian hostilities.

Picture Of The Day: One of Obama's famed dumb ass moves trading five radical Muslim terrorists at Guantanamo Bay for Army deserter Bo Bergdahl.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I go to McDonald's once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car. 2) They say children are a gift from god. I know several kids whose families should be regifting. 3) It's a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but I should probably go cut his hang-glider out of that tree.  4) Xanax - Keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981. 5) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 30th: The post office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder. That said, let your mother-in-law open it, just in case.

Birthdays: Titus, emperor 39, John Milne, seismologist 1850, Rudyard Kipling, British author 1865, Alfred E. Smith, political leader 1873, Paul Bowles, writer and composer 1910, Jack Lord, actor 1920, Bo Diddley, singer, guitarist, and songwriter 1928, Sandy Koufax, baseball player 1935, Jeff Lynne, singer and songwriter, and music producer 1947, Tracey Ullman, comedian, actor, singer 1959, Bennett Miller, filmmaker 1966, Tiger Woods, golfer 1975, Eliza Dushku, actress 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register.

A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The man says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and accidentally farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

There are reasons why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends.

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em. When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, cleaning my barn, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

The woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Hillary Clinton is out walking and she passes a young boy selling puppies. The boy asks, "Would you like to buy a puppy Ma'am?" Hillary says, "No, sorry, but we have a cat already."

The enterprising lad says, "But they are Democrat puppies, Ma'am." Clinton smiles, but again declines. The boy nods and Clinton walks on.

The next day, Hillary is walking by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies. As Clinton walks by she overhears the youth telling the potential customer, "But sir, these are Republican puppies."

Clinton stops and says, "Young man, yesterday you told me those were Democrat puppies and today you are saying they are Republican puppies" The child replies, "Yes Ma'am."

Hillary then asks, "Well, if they were Democrat puppies yesterday, how could they be Republican puppies today?" The young man replied, "Well Ma'am, since then, they've opened their eyes."

That's it for today, my little prairie dog pups. Remember, lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza, but both are fine when you're drunk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a safe and Happy New Year's Eve and probably more on New Year's day.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 28, 2015

Saturday Night At Woody's West End Tavern

Yep, the keepers let us out without guidance and our medications so Luly, Paul, Sandra and I went to Woody's and found our own medications. We spent the evening talking and laughing as the band played in the background.

It was great to see Sandra again as I had missed her previous trip about ten days ago and she couldn't attend the Wednesday night get together at the Hurricane Bar and Grill.

I was still semi-recovering from the Wednesday night partying at The Hurricane with Luly and Paul, which, after an hour, we abandoned and headed over to Woody's. Occasionally, on some of our Woody's rendezvous, the lights go out little by little until you realize you're the only one there. As long as we still have drinks, we keep on.....

But we came early on Saturday night and by a little after 11 pm, we went home as Sandra had another hour's drive to return home.

It was a fun night though and laughing and joking with friends always makes me happy. Of course, the morning after always leave me thinking, "I'm getting too old for this", but that's just my normal reaction after partying. As I slowly recover, the thought wanes and I start thinking about new adventures.

Luly has decided to refer to we four as scalawags (Noun; informal: a person who behaves badly but in an amusingly mischievous rather than harmful way; a rascal). I'd say that about sums it up although I would add a bit of gossip into the definition.

We have plans to drive up to Sandra's in January and spend the evening with her. I'm sure we'll have a great time. We usually do.....

The News As I See It: Nothing new to report

This Date In History: 1065; Westminster Abbey consecrated. 1832; John C. Calhoun became the first vice president in U.S. history to resign from office. 1846; Iowa became the 29th state in the United States.

1869; William F. Semple patented chewing gum. 1895; The Lumiere Brothers gave the first commercial movie show at the Grand Cafe in Paris. 1937; Composer Maurice Ravel died in Paris at age 62.

1945; Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance. 1981; Elizabeth Jordan Carr, the first American test-tube baby, was born in Norfolk, Va.

Picture Of The Day: This is where I would normally make a comment about the picture below, but I think you get the gist.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) At my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was, so I finally told them the dingo ate her. 2) Jehovah's Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts and started selling cookies. 3) Watching the Obama propaganda machine in motion, I realized that the average octopus spends two thirds of its life rolling up its sleeves. 4) The weatherman told his mostly female audience to expect 8 to 9 inches, but everyone knows he's probably lying.  5) A chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 28th: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. The partner of your dreams will realize you are worthy of attention, today. Stock up on alcohol and remember to change the sheets.

Birthdays: Eliza Lucas Pinckney, horticulturist 1722, Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States 1856, Earl "Fatha" Hines, jazz pianist 1903, Stan Lee, writer, editor 1922, Simon Raven, writer 1927, Manuel Puig, novelist 1932, Dame Maggie Smith, actress 1934, Denzel Washington, actor 1954, Ray Bourque, hockey player 1960, Linus Torvalds, computer scientist 1969, John Legend, singer, songwriter, pianist 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-B-B-Birmingham", he said. The speech therapist said, "There's no use, Trevor. Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-P-P-Paisley". The speech therapist replied, "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London". The speech therapist said, "Brilliant, Paddy!, and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "......d-d-d-derry".

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." They said, "Sure, you're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" The newcomer replied, "I'm a hit man," The friend said, "You're joking!" The hitman said, "No, I'm not."

Reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." The other friend said, "That's a beautiful telescopic sight. Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too !"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." The friend asked, "Can you do two for me now?" The hitman said, "Sure, what do you want?"

The friend said, "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. The friend asked impatiently,"Are you going to do it or not?" The hit man replied, "Just be patient, I think I can save you a grand here..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little saying, "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?"

The old man answers, "It's okay. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life." The old woman says, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?"

The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes and finally asks him,"And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

Jane had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Jane said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet..

 Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.  Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

That's it for today, my little gardenias. Remember, you know you've drank too much when you sit down on the toilet and try to put your seat belt on.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas !

Merry Christmas everyone. It's been a beautiful day and I still have 5 days to achieve my goal of going to the gym in 2015. I got a sweater for Christmas but I wanted a moaner or a biter.

I'm posting a bit early today in order to get to an afternoon Christmas dinner and party. Hope everyone has a great day.....!

The News As I See It: According to the Wall Street Journal, people in China aren't that familiar with the "Star Wars" movies, though they might be familiar with some of the toys. Spoiler alert....the elves don't make them!

This Date In History: 1066; William the Conqueror was crowned King of England. 1776; George Washington crossed the Delaware River and surprised the Hessians.

1868; President Andrew Johnson granted an unconditional pardon to all persons involved in the Southern rebellion that resulted in the Civil War.

1926; Hirohito became emperor of Japan. 1977; British film actor, director, and producer Charlie Chaplin died in Switzerland at age 88.

1989; Former Romanian president Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife were executed. 1991; President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned following the disintegration of the Soviet Union.

Picture Of The Day: The good thing about knowing how to copy and paste.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a sweater for Christmas. I would have preferred a moaner or a biter.  2) Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places. Walk slow, stop for no apparent reason and be sure to bring your toddlers so they can run amok. 3) When it comes to politics I'm an agnostic. I don't believe there's an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist. 4) I haven't worn a watch in 20 years. Coincidentally, I haven't poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20 years. 5) As my car spun uncontrollably through a crowd of people, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit the Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 25th: The best thing that today's horoscope holds for you is that you are born the same day as the baby Jesus. Combine this and a bit of Listerine to rid yourself from bad breath after today's Christmas dinner and you'll be in fine shape.

Birthdays: Clara Barton, American Red Cross founder 1821, Helena Rubinstein, cosmetics executive 1870, Maurice Utrillo, painter 1883, Conrad Hilton, business 1887, Robert L. Ripley, cartoonist 1893, Humphrey Bogart, actor 1899, Cab Calloway, band leader 1907, Anwar al-Sadat, Egyptian Political Leader and President 1918, Jimmy Buffett, singer and musician 1946, Barbara Mandrell, country music singer and musician 1948, Sissy Spacek, actress 1949, Dido singer, 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said to her husband, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The husband thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

A couple of women moved in the house across the street from two old spinsters, Maude and Thelma. One was a middle-aged gym teacher and the other was a social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they're Lebanese?" 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it, a genie flies out and grants him a wish. Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had reversed his Range Rover over the Queen's favorite corgi and squashed it flat.

He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset. The genie examines the dog which is splattered all over the drive and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do so he'd best chuck the dog in the garbage.

Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Camilla Parker-Bowles beautiful as the media were always making fun of her looks. The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says, "On second thought, get that dog out of the garbage again!"

That's it for today, my little revelers. Remember, you know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. I'm heading over to AREA 51 Saturday night for a little partying.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a Merry Christmas weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Party Time !

It's that time of year to reach out to all of my family, friends and readers and to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Numerous parties are on the horizon, beginning tonight, and continuing through Christmas day.

Politics, religion and bickering should be put on hold until the new year at which time we can all resume our sniping. This will be my last bow shot until next year. I find it amusing and hopefully, it will amuse most of you, as well:

Holiday Greetings to my Democrat Friends: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2015, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere .

Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To All My Republican Friends: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The News As I See It: We are just two days away from Christmas. Which means today is that special day when husbands tell their wives, "I give up. Just tell me what you want."

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. Really?

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia.

1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.

1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley.

1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed. 1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.

Picture Of The Day: To all of my family, friends and readers, have a Merry Christmas and be safe.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 75 years old now and I have no idea where the hell she is. 2) A new study shows that eating bacon can lower a man's chances of getting a woman pregnant. Scientists are calling it alarming. Men are calling it a win-win. 3) I don't appreciate my son's teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework. 4) "Latte" is Latin for "You paid too much for that coffee." 5) My girlfriend gave me her Christmas list. I said, "Isn't my undying love and affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store trying to locate a French guy named Louis Vuitton.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 23rd: All your wishes can come true if you're willing to briefly take on a life of crime. Shouting "30 milligrams, Stat!" in a crowded place is probably not going to win you any friends today.

Birthdays: My brother Kirt - Happy Birthday Bro! 19XX, Richard Arkwright, inventor 1732, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, James Duke, industrialist 1856, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Yousuf Karsh, photographer 1908 Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actor 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,  ever single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should have known.

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.

The situation: You are in Washington, DC, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Obama who has been swept away by the flood waters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.

You can either put down your camera and save him or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

Here's the question and think carefully: Which lens would you use?

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" The man said, "No matter, observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" The Bishop sadly replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

That's it for today, my little Christmas elves. Remember, money may not buy you happiness, but poverty won’t buy you shit. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a Merry Christmas and, assuming I do well on Christmas Eve, more on Christmas Day.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 21, 2015

Last Minute Shopping

Today's picture will be a fleeing mental image for any man who gives his significant other a pajamagram for Christmas. It's also a thought for men who wait until the last minute to shop. I would also advise against tool kits and any product from Bass Pro Shops.

While these particular items or venues often have appealing products, Christmas is not the time to give them as presents. As a desperate last resort, you may try a gift card but it had better be a hefty one.

Last minute shopping has never appealed to me mainly because I don't care for mingling or standing in lines. It is probably the main reason I have my own business. When I do shop, including groceries, I normally opt for early in the morning on a weekday.

That said, for those who have completed their Christmas shopping, I congratulate you. For those who haven't, copy that picture at the top of the page and take it with you as a reminder..... 

There’s an annual contest at Bond University in Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a popular term. This year’s chosen term was"Political Correctness".

The winning student wrote: Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media which holds forth the premise that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.

The News As I See It: We are only four days away from Christmas. This is the time when we really begin to cherish our family and friends by rushing out to CVS. To buy gift cards, and finding the only ones left are for subway and dick's sporting goods.

The Department of Health announced it's extending the enrollment period for Obamacare to January 1st. What better time to sign up for Obamacare than the day we all lie to ourselves about being healthier.

This Date In History: 1620; The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts. 1891; The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played. 1898; Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium.

1913; The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World. 1937; Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered. 1970; Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House.

1988; A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people. 1991; Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. 1995 Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.

Picture Of The Day: The new Star Wars movie is treading on Santa's ground and Santa will fight back.....!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend's daughter asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if she wasn't 20 and in college. 2) If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are anywhere else, I flush my toilet. 3) There's Jimmy and then there's Drinking Jimmy and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike. 4) Until they add extra fries and a martini, they have no business calling it a Happy Meal. 5) I'm amazed how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on Facebook..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 21st: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. The best places to look are wedding receptions and class reunions.

Birthdays: Henrietta Szold, Zionist leader 1860, Joseph Stalin, Soviet Communist Leader 1879, Michael Tilson Thomas, conductor, composer, and pianist 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: When I was married, my wife asked me to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance. I told them, "Maybe she went black" and my wife said I didn't have to help the kids with homework any more.

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, They pull him out of the car, falls again, they drag him to the front door, he falls down another four times at the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife says, "Thank you so much. Where's his wheelchair?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

He moaned, "Louise, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" Louise answered, "Even worse! You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

John said, "He's an asshole. Piss on him." Louise said, "You did and he fired you." John said, "Well, screw him!" Louise answered, "I did. You go back to work on Monday."

A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh."

Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus.

Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life, you horrible bitch." Th

That's it for today, my little holly boughs. Remember, the next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say, "Sorry, I'm with a client."

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More on Wednesday.

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