Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Flying Is For The Birds

I hate flying! My reason is that I don't like the idea of crashing. I don't like crowded airports, waiting in line for a TSA employee to grope me, crying babies or long walks on the beach. Wait... Scratch that last one. That's from my eHarmony profile.

The good thing about traveling by car is that if you crash and don't die, you can crawl to the side of the road and lick your wounds. That particular remedy doesn't work at 30,000 feet.

I always arrive early for my flight because I don't like rushing around. The first problem I have is that I never know what to tip the skycap. Since I'm not rich, I don't like to over-tip but by the same token, I also don't want to have my bags sent to Honolulu when I'm going to Las Vegas.

My pre-911 plans after check-in always entailed finding the nearest airport bar and fueling up while the plane was being fueled up. This flight procedure allows me the intestinal fortitude to proceed with boarding the plane and put up with the long, boring flight ending presumably in the self-conceived crash.

After 9-11, I had to amend my rules for flying. It was hard enough for me to fly before and now I have to scout the potential passengers on my flight before I can board it.

Anyone whose speech sounds like he's gagging or clearing his throat becomes an automatic suspect. Some people may consider this profiling. I consider it self preservation. Anyone wearing sandals also becomes suspect unless the sandals are on a pale old man who's also wearing black socks.

Once on board the plane, it is very easy for me to find my seat. Using Murphy's Law, I know that I can automatically eliminate any vacant seat next to an attractive woman. Using the same logic, I can locate my seat by visually scouring the plane for a vacant seat next to a woman with a crying infant or a young child screaming at his mother for water, candy or any other unattainable item.

My personal belief is that everyone flying with young children should be forced to sit together along with all of the non-stop talkers. Any child under ten pounds should be Fed-Exed to their destination.

If I am seated and the seat next to me is still vacant, I begin my prayer to Saint Johnny Walker Black, the patron saint of flyers who drink in order to fly. The prayer asks that the vacant seat next to me be filled with a beautiful girl from Rio De Janeiro. If the said Brazilian girl is with a small infant, then I pray that she is a breast feeder.

Once aloft, I purchase the entire stock of souvenir bottle of Johnny Walker Black for my flight. The amount of scotch I consume is in direct proportion to whoever is seated next to me. If I'm stuck next to a non-stop talker, I normally ask them to excuse me if I don't converse with them because it causes me to barf when I'm drinking.

This ploy sometimes results in the talker requesting another seat which suits my purpose. The remainder of my flight is normally spent in a blissful coma unless, of course, the girl from Rio needs assistance.......

Ladies' News Alert: All men see in only 16 colors, just like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.....

The News As I See It: The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don't really care about weed, it's just the only way they can keep selling papers.

They said the government should legalize marijuana because the current laws against weed are useless and outdated. You know, like a newspaper. You remember newspapers, those things we used to read before Facebook asked us which sandwich we were.

Seventeen siblings from New Jersey won $20 million in the lottery. When asked how they plan to spend the money, they said, "Remodeling the shoe we grew up in."

There's trouble between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Friends say Kim has what they call the "two-month itch". Apparently the trouble began somewhere between the words "I" and "Do."

Comic-Con wrapped up over the weekend in San Diego. If you don't know, Comic-Con is the world's largest gathering of people who know the difference between a modem and a router. According to Time magazine, the number of women attending Comic-Con has doubled in the last five years — it went from four to eight.

This Date In History: 1619; The first legislative assembly in English North America convened in Jamestown, Va. 1729; The U.S. city of Baltimore was founded. 1932; The tenth modern Olympic Games opened in Los Angeles.

1945; The USS Indianapolis was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine and sank within 15 minutes. It was one of the greatest naval losses of World War II, resulting in the deaths of nearly 900 men.

1956; The phrase "In God We Trust" was adopted as the U.S. national motto. 1965; President Lyndon Johnson signed the Medicare Bill into law. 1975; Former Teamsters union president James Hoffa was reported missing. Many suspect he was murdered, though his remains have never been found.

1980, The Republic of Vanuatu, formerly known as the New Hebrides, gained its independence from France and Britain. 2002, Lisa Leslie became the first woman to dunk in a professional basketball game. 2012, 620 million people were without power in India, the worst power outage in world history.

Picture Of The Day: On the ground, I respect most pilots. While I'm white-knuckled flying, this is my mental image.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I'm right. Other times my girlfriend is close enough to hear what I'm saying. 2) If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living. 3) I just learned an important lesson: When texting "Wish you were here," that last "e" kind of makes it or breaks it. 4) Why is it that the people with the ugliest feet always wear flip-flops? 5) Although I'm still on my game, I think my wild oats are slowly turning into shredded wheat.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.

Today's HoroscopeLeo - July 30th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: My friend Sydney - Happy Birthday girl 19XX, Emily Brontë ,author 1818, Thorstein Veblen, economist 1857, Henry Ford, American industrialist, pioneer automobile manufacturer 1863, Casey Stengel, baseball player and manager 1891, Henry Moore, sculptor 1898, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, and pseudo actor 1947, Lisa Kudrow actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. The old man responds, "I'm 85 years old."

The woman says, "85 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass!" His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. As a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out, he said to himself, "What the Hell is this?" He hollered into the bathroom, "April, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker, "It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Let's have a cup of coffee, then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box."

The circus came to town and an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a man and a woman. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and a chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her and put its face between her legs. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs and rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar and said, "You betcha! Just get rid of that damned tiger!"

That's it for today, my little kitty Kats. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say bite me. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, July 28, 2014

Friday Night At Sabores Restaurant

Friday night at Sabores turned out great. There were a lot laughs, many good singers and more importantly, my favorite ladies were out in all their glory. It was also Sidney Garton's 87th birthday and Sid and I go back around 35 years. Sid (above left) is a great singer as is the lovely Luly (above right).

I established my AREA 51 outpost in the rear of the bar and was fortunate to have many of the beautiful ladies sitting nearby. It was a night of fun and great to see Ileana, Sandra, Ernie and my ageless high school pal, Randy and his lady, Linda.

The night was electric and it was also great to listen to my friend Carol singing a number of her favorites songs. Some of the people who attended I had only met on Facebook and it was great to see Michelle, who along with Sandra, decided to make a "Jimmy sandwich". This, evidently, inspired my friends to take delight at my situation and was followed by a number of cellphone pictures.

The look on my face has no reflection on the beautiful women with me. The look does, however, reflect the pain in my right knee, which I managed to injure about a week ago. One would think that by now, I would have mastered the art of walking from my living room to the kitchen, but one would be wrong. Of course, the girls had no idea that I had an injured knee.

Crazy seems to go with AREA 51 and we all laughed the whole evening. As more drinks are consumed, the pictures get a bit more uninhibited as reflected in the picture of Sandra and Ileana "kicking back" below as Luly and I (background) read the bible.

I love to party, especially when I know a lot of the people that are there. Walter and Anne were there also celebrating his birthday. Probably one of the greatest things to watch is when the girls group up to sing. They all put their hearts into it and let it all hang out.

It's always nice to see Carol and Roland, along with Mel who were holding down the corner table. Carol's a great songstress and it's a pleasure to occasionally sing duets with her.

All in all, it was a fun night at my AREA 51 outpost and my great friends and I closed the bar sometime after 2 a.m. There were no hits, no runs, no errors and one man left on base. The one man successfully navigated to home base.

The News As I See It: Instead of sending troops down to the border, we just do what you do when you run out of candy on Halloween. Let's turn off the lights and pretend America's not home.

Secretary of State John Kerry traveled to Egypt and had to pass through a metal detector before he could meet with officials. That is ridiculous. Everyone knows he's made of wood.

This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England's chief minister, Thomas Cromwell, was executed and Henry married his fifth wife, Catherine Howard. 1750; The great baroque composer Johann Sebastian Bach died.

1794; Robespierre, one of the leading figures of the French Revolution, was sent to the guillotine. 1821; Peru declared its independence from Spain. 1868; The 14th Amendment to the Constitution, which established the citizenship of African Americans and guaranteed due process of law, was ratified.

1914; Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia, precipitating the start of World War I. 1932; Herbert Hoover ordered Douglas MacArthur to evict the Bonus Marchers from their camps. 2002; Nine Pennsylvania coal miners were rescued after 77 hours of being trapped in a mine shaft.

Picture Of The Day: My pal high school pal Randy and the beautiful Linda dancing to the music of DJ Jeff.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I bought some $200 sunglasses and lost them in 15 minutes. I bought some Walmart sunglasses and I've had them for 238 years. 2) Some mornings I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep. 3) (Police): "Where were you between 5 and 6?" (Me): "Kindergarten." 4) I had a prostate exam recently and I have a question. Is it normal for the doctor to dim the lights and put on a Johnny Mathis album? 5) One of my blonde girlfriends thinks that an erection is when Japanese people vote.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - July 28th: The future will find you in good spirits. In the midst of these good spirits you may meet someone that you are immediately fond of. Due to this, your good spirits will wax and wane over the coming weeks. Dontcha just hate it when your spirits wax and wane?

Birthdays: My friends Paula and Ryan - Happy Birthday 19XX, Beatrix Potter, author 1866, Marcel Duchamp, painter 1887, Jacqueline Onassis, First Lady (1961-1963) 1928, Bill Bradley, professional basketball player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and placed his hand on her thigh. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." The woman yelled, "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" The drunk muttered, "You sound like her too!"

Two elderly folks, Murray and Rose, lived in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.

He called in Rose and said, "Rose, you know Murray has already suffered two heart attacks." Rose said, "I don't care. I love him and I want to get married."

The doctor called in Murray and said, "Look, Murray, I know you want to get married, but I must tell you that Rose has acute angina." Murray said, "I know. She's got great tits too!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. The buyer said, "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog." The owner answered, "Well, he's not bad, but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. The buyer said, "Ah, this must be the dog you were referring to earlier." The owner replied, "Well, no, I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you."

The buyer was flabbergasted and exclaimed, "You're joking!" This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!" The owner said, "I know, I know, but you see, he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, '"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent. The rabbi pondered over the conversation for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi leaned over to the priest and said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

That's it for today, my little sunflowers. Remember, relationships are made in heaven but, then again, so are thunder and lightning.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, July 25, 2014

Heading To Happy Hour

I'm going to Sabores Restaurant tonight for happy hour and Karaoke. The site used to be Holleman's Restaurant and I go back many years there. On any given Friday or Saturday night, there was a one hour wait for the dinning room, especially if it was during horse racing season and Hialeah Parks was open.

I have a history in the dining room because, back in the day, it was customary to smoke a bit before dinner and then the obligatory martini or two while waiting for a table.

Once seated, everyone usually ordered more drinks (Dewars scotch) and dinner (Blackened Red Snapper), followed by their famous key lime pie and of course, coffee and a liqueur (Strega or Zambuca).

That particular evening I got in trouble with my wife for flirting with the waitress (Peggy) and subsequentl banned (by Peggy) for two weeks for unscrewing the overhead light bulb which was tormenting me.

The (you'll pardon the expression) "unscrewing" caused the stained glass fixture to short out, which was the main reason for my two week exile.

Afterwards, everyone went to the bar and although I cannot write every incident that occured (warrants still outstanding), it was the night where we were pulled over by Miami Springs police and the van we rode in looked like a Cheech and Chong movie when we got out.

It was the same night when my pal Ron shoved a drunken woman who tried to hit him into my pal Jim's lap and Jim just watched as she momentarily teetered and then fell to the floor. She was later escorted out by management and asked not to return.

Yep, I have a history there but it wasn't just me. There were a lot more players, but that's another story......

The News As I See It: The government announced today that they will soon start deporting seniors instead of illegals to save money on Social Services, Social Security and Obamacare. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I felt pretty bad for most of my readers, then I remembered. See you on the bus!

Obama was giving an interview recently and said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, Obama said, "Because he'd make me look amazing." In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door.

Americans who couldn't get into the World Cup no matter how hard they tried have to stop feeling guilty about it. It doesn't mean that we're not sophisticated. All it proves is that unemployed people will watch anything. It's a giant bore involving two boring subjects: nationalism and soccer. On the bright side, it has reminded the German people how good it feels to be whipped into a nationalistic frenzy and what could go wrong with that?

This Date In History: 1946; The United States tested the first underwater atomic bomb at Bikini Atoll. 1952; Puerto Rico became a commonwealth of the United States. 1956; The Italian liner Andrea Doria sank after colliding with the Swedish ship Stockholm off the New England coast, killing 51 people.

1978; The world's first test-tube baby, Louise Joy Brown, was born in Lancashire, England. 1984; Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to walk in space. 2000; The supersonic airliner Concorde crashed after takeoff outside Paris.

Picture Of The Day: If you asked me the definition of peace and sernity, I would simply show you this picture. The only way it get better is if my pals Jack and Woody were fishing with me. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend asked me that if he was going to make a parachute jump, how high should he be? I told him three days of steady drinking should do it. 2) Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage. 3) A woman knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children's Home, so I gave her my kids. She brought them back the next day and gave me $100. 4) I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts. 5) I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex's body. Just kidding.....I like the show. Besides, she's buried in the woods.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - July 25th: Drinking alcohol to excess may well turn today into the worst tomorrow. Just in case, make sure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic.

Birthdays: Henry Knox, officer 1750, Arthur Balfour, statesman 1848, Thomas Eakins, American painter, photographer and sculptor 1844, Walter Payton, football player 1954, Matt LeBlanc, actor 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At New York's Kennedy airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, a police spokesperson said he believed the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Barry Soetero-Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?"

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jeanne for her contribution to today's stories.

Two good ole boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"

The other replied, "He had a farm." The first asked, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

In a recent survey, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Chicago residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her husband. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line... It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3 and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

That's it for today, my little songbirds. Remember, if you're a senior citizen and thinking of getting another vehicle, buy a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage, but you can park anywhere. I'm going to the AREA 51 section of Sabores Restaurant for happy hour and karaoke.

Have a wonderful weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Night Life

I'm going to Sabores Restaurant this Friday to hang out with my friends. I have also been invited to a wild, sexy costume party next week. I'm going as President Abraham Lincoln because my last four scores were seven years ago.

Yep, it's been a party month so far and I even hung out last night at Woody's Tavern for trivia night with Debbie, Yolanda, Rosemarie, Walter, Anne and other Miami Springs friends. We didn't win but we had fun. I'll probably try it again in the future.

As for Friday night at Sabores, I enjoy going there to see my friends and occasionally sing a song. There are always good looking ladies there and the single life allows me to enjoy the evening. Being married before now allows me to enjoy the single life without regret. Just think, without marriage, I would have gone through life thinking I had no faults at all.

The News As I See It: A judge wrote an opinion yesterday in favor of Obamacare, saying that getting healthcare from the state or federal government is the same as ordering from Pizza Hut vs. Domino's. I don't I agree. Pizza Hut and Domino's websites always work.

Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants.

There's a lot of speculation about the new iPhone. It's expected to have a larger screen and a better operating system. It will be called last year's Samsung Galaxy.

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married.

Huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. It's rumored that the white flags were possibly stolen from France. This morning, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.

This Date In History: 1829; William Burt patented a forerunner of the typewriter. 1885; Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died at Mount McGregor, New York, at age 63. 1914; Austria and Hungary issued an ultimatum to Serbia after the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, precipitating World War I.

1945; Vichy government leader Marshal Henri Petain went on trial for treason. 1952; Revolution erupted in Egypt as the military took power in a bloodless coup. The following year the monarchy was abolished and, for the first time since the pharaohs, Egypt was again ruled by Egyptians.

1995; The Hale-Bopp comet was discovered by Alan Hale and Thomas Bopp. 1997; Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic was sworn in as president of the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.

Picture Of The Day: The patio area at Sabores Restaurant.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My parents never asked me to run away from home, but then there were so many unexplained one way tickets. 2) I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.  3) My friend told me that she went to the doctor this morning and she has mono. In this day and age, I think she should have surround sound. 4) Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy. 5) Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - 7/23: There's a relatively good chance that you will stumble across an opportunity this week and the advantages will be extroardinary. By the same token, don't take stumbling for granted. You remember what happened the last time you got up in the middle of the night and stepped on the cat's tail.

Birthdays: Jane Long, early settler in Texas 1798, Raymond Chandler, author 1888, Haile Selassie, emperor of Ethiopia (1930–74) 1892, Anthony McLeod Kennedy, associate justice 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."

Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday and asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?"

The old woman said, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard and I don't smoke or drink." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The old woman replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up.

When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back. The woman says, "Oh my, I am so sorry" and popped her eye back in place. The woman then said, "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to a nightclub for drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The man is amazed! Everything has been so incredible!

The man says, "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" The woman replied, " just happened to catch my eye."

That's it for today, my little chili peppers. Remember, the advantages of mother's milk are that it's a perfect formula for the child and it comes in cute containers. The weekly trip to AREA 51 is iffy as I was out late last night. Then again, one never knows, do one?

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !