Friday, October 29, 2010

Happy Halloween Weekend !

Halloween was always fun for me as a kid but it was a lot of work, as well. Not being overly endowed with money, it was an opportunity for we kids to stock up on enough candy for a month or two. I'm talking one or two large paper grocery bags of candy.

Costumes? No one bought costumes. We made our own. The options were to take an old sheet, cut two eye holes in it and be a ghost or take a fishing cork, burn it and use the smut to dirty and blacken our faces and be a hobo. Some of our more creative buddies might get a helmet and be a football player, but that was a bout it.

No one wore any creative masks. We would go done to the local Mom and Pop grocery store and buy a Lone Ranger mask. The mask usually lasted about thirty minutes before the elastic broke.

We covered a lot of ground on Halloween, not wasting any time doing foolish, time consuming pranks. We fill up the first candy bag, go home to put it the refrigerator and head out again with a second bag. Hey, it was innocent times, we were creative kids and as they say, "opportunity only knocks once!"

The News As I See It: Air New Zealand will soon offer seats for couples that can be converted into beds. And you thought it was annoying when the couple next to you talked the entire trip.

There have been tornado warnings across the country, with at least 24 possible tornados. Possible tornados are the second worst kind of tornado. Washington D.C. was under a tornado watch. It was pretty crazy, especially when the White House landed on Christine O’Donnell.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (great name forethought by his parents) has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have — by accident.

It was sad to hear about Paul the Octopus recently passing away. Jimmy's Journal has learned that Paul had previous trouble with the law. He was once arrested for texting pictures of his tentacles.

They’re experimenting with serving wine and cheese at Starbucks. How about experimenting with reasonably-priced coffee?

A court just ruled that voters in Arizona don’t need to show proof of citizenship at the polls next week. When asked about the ruling, some said they were on the fence — while many said they'd just hopped over it.

Here is my latest video "Georgia On My Mind". Anyone who would like a free copy of this video or any other of my videos can email me at and I'll be happy to send you one. All of my videos and songs can be seen on my YouTube site

Remember to mute the sound on my music playlist on the left sidebar.

This Date In History: 1682; William Penn arrived in Pennsylvania. 1787; Mozart's opera Don Giovanni debuted in Prague. 1923; The Republic of Turkey was proclaimed under Mustafa Kemal Ataturk. 1929; The New York Stock Exchange crashed on Black Tuesday, precipitating the Great Depression.

1956; Israel invaded the Egyptian Sinai Peninsula during the Suez Canal crisis. 1966; The National Organization for Women was founded. 1998 John Glenn, the first American to orbit the Earth, returned to space at age 77. 2004; European leaders signed the European Union's first constitution.

Picture Of The Day: w

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Ladies, when you're climbing the ladder of success, watch out for the boys looking up your dress! 2) Eat your spinach and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye. You'll also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyl. 3) Cell phones are also the only thing about which men sit around and brag who's got the smallest. 4) Every man has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 5) My father once told me: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're either a lawyer or a politician.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My daughter, Jeannie. Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, James Boswell, diarist, author 1740, Jean Giraudoux, French novelist and dramatist 1882, Fanny Brice, American comedienne 1891, R. B. Kitaj, painter 1932, Richard Dreyfuss, actor 1947, Winona Ryder, actress 1971, Gabrielle Union, actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like that idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new chick that had just arrived.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a "quickie." Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

A drunk left the bar and staggered off in to the night on his way home. As he was passing a pumpkin patch he thought, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and since there's no one around....... He picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need.

In the process, he failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until a female officer approached him and said, "Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The drunk froze and was clearly very surprised that she was there. Then looked her straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? it midnight already?"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

That's it for today my little trick or treaters. Remember, you can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a Happy Halloween and a great weekend. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hump Day - From the Latin: Humpeus Dayeus, the day after Amadeus

Clarence Thomas's wife last week on Saturday morning called up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas.

Joy Behar, the has-been, hack ex-comedian who is a panel member of "The View" showed her true intellect yesterday by calling Nevada Republican senatorial candidate Sharron Angle a "moron" and a "bitch" and stating that Angle in "going in hell, this bitch." Behar's comments came during a discussion of an ad that Angle released earlier this month. The ad focused on illegal immigration and opponent Harry Reid's inaction on the growing problem.

Lord forbid that Sharron Angle would bring up anything negative regarding the fact that 13 million people are illegally in America and carry on their lives at taxpayer's expense as if nothing was wrong with the fact that they are law breakers.

Behar, along with Whoopi Goldberg, stormed of the stage last week when Fox News Bill O'Reilly stuck to the declaration he made on the ABC daytime talk show Thursday, that "Muslims killed us on 9/11." O'Reilly said, "How did we get here? Were we attacked by Japanese extremists? How did we get to this point? Now the poll I cited was taken by CNN in August. About 70 percent of Americans, as I said, agree with me on the ground zero mosque issue is inappropriate."

Evidently, in order to fit in and be heard by "The View" panelists, your "view" has to be in line with their "view." Joy Behar was a second rate, foul mouthed comedian in her younger days and has carried that background to "The View." Theoretically, a view panel would listen to all points of view and then discuss the points with an open mind. That is, unless you're on "The View."

Barack Obozo along with Nancy Pelosi and other Democrats are complaining about "secret money" (campaign contributions by unnamed sources) being used to run offensive ads against their party. Like most of the lies and unfulfilled promises of our shuck and jive president, the truth is that both parties receive the same type of legal "secret" campaign contributions. The real problem is that the Republicans are getting more than the Democrats.

The News As I See It: It was reported this week that New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of The Rent Is Too Damn High Party has not had to pay rent on his $800 a month Brooklyn apartment since the '80s. Confronted with this fact, McMillan changed the name of his party to "The Water Pressure Is Too Damn Low Party."

Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in Canada. Still no word on Osama bin Laden, but we got the Quaids.

There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted.

According to The New York Post, Eliot Spitzer's new show on CNN is having trouble booking guests. Well, of course! They only pay scale. If you know anything about Eliot Spitzer’s past with prostitutes, he (Client #9) usually pays $5,000 an hour. Spitzer Is Linked to Prostitution Ring - New York Times

Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature.

In case you missed my Facebook post, check out David Zucker's spoof of "Senator" Barbara Boxer, who arrogantly and rudely chided a U.S. Army officer who referred to her as "Ma'am." Talk about political correctness, he should have called her a ..... Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

This Date In History: 1787; The first of the Federalist Papers, which called for the ratification of the U.S. Constitution, was published. 1904; New York City's first rapid transit subway, the IRT, opened. 1938; Du Pont announced that it would name its new synthetic yarn nylon.

1978; Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin were named winners of the Nobel Peace Prize for their work toward a Middle East accord. 1997; The Dow Jones industrial average fell 554.26 points, forcing the stock market to shut down. 2004; After an 86 year wait, the Boston Red Sox finally captured a World Series trophy.

Picture Of The Day: Things that just struck me funny. No rhyme or reason (what's new).

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, Vidi, Visa - I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 2) Veni, Vidi, VD - I came, I saw, I cankered. 3) Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around. 4) Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. 5) Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: People who shouldn't drink and people who shouldn't sing.

Birthdays: Happy Birthday to my pals Kathy and Valerie. Happy Birthday, ladies! 19XX, James Cook, explorer and navigator 1728, Niccolò Paganini, violinist 1782, Isaac Singer, American inventor 1811, Theodore Roosevelt, 26th U.S. president 1858, Emily Post, etiquette authority 1873,

Dylan Thomas, poet 1914, Roy Lichtenstein, painter 1923, Sylvia Plath, poet 1932, John Cleese, actor 1939, Maxine Hong Kingston, writer 1940 Roberto Benigni, actor and filmmaker 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. The man said, "Well, it was like this, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

The man continued, "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the cow's ass. That's when I made my big mistake."

The doctor said, "What did you do?" The man said, "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "Pretzel" hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "So, that is what finished him off?!" The American wrestler said, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer who says, "I`ve got a very constipated cow - been like it for days, it`s in great pain, what can I do?" The sleepy vet, tired after working all day and all evening, says, "If you`ve got one of those small bottles of highly concentrated milk of magnesia, get that down it and I`ll call you in the morning to see how it is."

Next morning the vet rings ans asks, "How`s the constipated cow this morning?" The farmer says, "Cow? I said cat." The vet says, "Oh lord, did you give it the concentrate?" The farmer says, "Yes, I got the whole bottleful down its throat, I used a small funnel."

The vet says, "Oh Jesus, how is the cat?" The farmer replies, "It`s out in the garden." The vet says, "Dead I suppose?" The farmer says, "Oh no, it`s out there with four of his friends, two digging and two filling in."

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

That's it for today my little hanging Chads. Remember, The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women. Hump Day, a great reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 25, 2010

Don't Be Confused - Halloween Is This Sunday - Trick Or Treat Is November 2nd

In the coming days, every slimy, low life will come out from under their respective rocks trying to entice you to give them something. These creepy bottom feeders will phrase their request in the form of a veiled threat, inferring that if you do not, something bad may happen. Yes, my little goblins, voting day is November 2nd.

In this final week before the elections, the proverbial gloves are off. If you think you've seen dirty politics up to now, this week will overwhelm you. The sad part is that one of the two assholes will win each election and go on to be a part of our pathetic government.

On a higher note, Halloween is this Sunday and although these ghost, ghouls and goblins will make similar veiled threats like politicians, but chances are you can buy them off with a few pieces of candy. Come to think about it, you can buy off politicians as well.

The News As I See It: Funnyman Russell Brand and songbird Katy Perry said "I Do" on Saturday night in India in a tight-lipped and secretive ceremony. Most people suspect that the wedding and reception pictures will be sold exclusively to British magazine, Hello!. I have learned that the real reason for the India wedding is that both of their laptops were on the blink and they needed an AOL technician to fix them.

This Date In History: 1400; Geoffrey Chaucer died in London. 1415; The Battle of Agincourt between England and France during the Hundred Years War took place. 1760; King George III of Britain was crowned. 1854; The Charge of the Light Brigade took place at Balaklava during the Crimean War.

1962; John Steinbeck was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature. 1971; The U.N. General Assembly voted to admit mainland China and expel Taiwan. 1983; The United States invaded the Caribbean nation of Grenada.

Picture Of The Day: Sorry, but nothing says Halloween more than pictures of Nancy Pelosi. The woman has had so many face lifts that she has only one look and the photoshop gang and myself would like to applaud her plastic surgeon.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. 2) Warning: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 3) Warning: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. 4) Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 5) Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Johann Strauss, composer 1825, Georges Bizet, operatic composer 1838, Sarah Bernhard, actress 1844, Henry Norris Russell, astronomer 1877, Pablo Picasso, Spanish painter, sculptor, graphic artist, and ceramist 1881.

Richard E. Byrd, aviator and polar explorer 1888, John Berryman, poet and critic 1914, Bob Knight, basketball coach 1940, Anne Tyler, novelist 1941, Midori, violinist 1971, Ciara, singer 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" The boy said, "No." The judge asked, "Why not?" The boy responded, "Because she beats me."

The judge says, "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." The boy cried, "Oh, no! He beats me too." Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?" The boy says, "I want to live with the Miami Dolphins." The judge asks, "Why?" The little boy says, "They never beat anybody."

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. The speaker said, "In moments of temptation, ask yourself just one question. Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask, "How do you make it last an hour?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!" The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions asking Larry, "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" Larry responded, "Legs!" The teacher asked, "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?'' Larry answered, "Pockets!"

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look and remarks, "That sure is a nice fire truck." The little boy says, Thanks." As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. The fire fighter says, "Little partner, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother, who didn't feel like listening to the precocious child, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.

The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did." The stewardess said, "Well, then, go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that one you."

That's it for today my little Klondike bars. Remember, everyone cannot be a hero. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 22, 2010

NPR (National Public Radio) Made A Big Mistake When They Fired Juan Williams !

Juan Williams is an American journalist, and political commentator for Fox News Channel, and formerly for National Public Radio (NPR). Williams also writes for several newspapers including The Washington Post, The New York Times, and The Wall Street Journal, and has been published in magazines including The Atlantic Monthly and Time.

NPR terminated his contract on Wednesday, October 20, 2010 after he made the following remarks on The O'Reilly Factor two days earlier:

"Political correctness can lead to some kind of paralysis where you don't address reality. I mean, look Bill (O'Reilly), I'm not a bigot, you know the kind of books I've written on the civil rights movement in this country, but when I get on a plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous."

"Now, I remember also that when the Times Square bomber was at court, I think this was just last week. He said the war with Muslims, America's war is just beginning, first drop of blood. I don't think there's any way to get away from these facts. But I think there are people who want to somehow remind us all as President Bush did after 9/11, it's not a war against Islam."

NPR must really have their heads up their collective asses! Williams firing has been condemned by both conservatives and liberals, republicans and democrats, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC and various major newspapers.

If I'm on any plane and I see anyone dressed in the attire associated with any group that has been even remotely associated with hijacking or blowing up airplanes, you can bet your sweet ass I'm going to be nervous! If the hierarchy at NPR feels that this type of thinking is irrational, then I suspect said hierarchy are assholes! Perhaps NPR would be more understanding if some of their families were among the people who were injured or died on September 11, 2001.

It is getting to the point that one can be fired from one's job any time that one does not follow the current rules of Political Correctness, whether right or wrong. Here's my thoughts on that: Stick political correctness where the sun don't shine!

Now that I've got that off my chest, I'd like to show you an exciting video that was sent to me by my pal, Wally. This video is a dance compilation from some of the finest dance routines in cinema and whoever did the editing has a terrific sense of timing. The video has been viewed over 3,300,000 times on YouTube. Remember to mute the sound on my music playlist on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter "D"? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is "R"? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.

The White House canceled President Obama’s visit to a Sikh temple because you have to cover your head, and they thought pictures of Obama in a turban may fuel rumors that he’s a Muslim. It’s the same reason he canceled Turban Tuesdays at the Rose Garden.

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

This Date In History: 1797; Andre-Jacques Garnerin made the first parachute jump from a balloon. 1836; Sam Houston was inaugurated as the first president of the Republic of Texas. 1954; West Germany joined the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). 1962; President Kennedy announced an air and naval blockade of Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet missile bases on the island.

1973; Spanish cellist, conductor, and composer Pablo Casals died in Puerto Rico, at age 96. 1979; Muhammad Reza Shah Pahlevi, the deposed Shah of Iran, was allowed in the United States for medical treatment. This action led to the Iran hostage crisis.

A chicken coop always has two door. If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

Picture Of The Day: I've been chided by some of my more liberal pals to pick on both parties equally so I picked one of my favorite subjects, Sarah Palin. Although she would not be my selection as a Republican opponent for Barack Obama, I like her style and gumption. More importantly, she's hot!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) George Washington's brother, Murray, was the Uncle of Our Country. 2) People are living longer nowadays because when the "Angel of Death" calls, he generally gets an answering machine. 3) Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherf#$@ers. 4) Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. 5) Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified......and that's five !

Birthdays: Franz Liszt, Hungarian composer and pianist 1811, Collis Potter Huntington, railroad builder 1821, Sarah Bernhardt, actress 1844, John Reed, journalist and radical 1887.

Doris Lessing, novelist 1919, Christopher Lloyd, actor 1938, Annette Funicello, actress 1942, Catherine Deneuve, actor 1943, Jeff Goldblum, actor 1952, Amanda Coetzer, tennis player 1971.

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become members. The three, an older couple, a middle age couple and a young newlywed couple are told that to become members it is required that they abstain from sex for two full weeks and then return. Two weeks pass and all three return and the clergyman asks each couple if they have fulfilled the requirement laid out at the first meeting.

The elderly gentleman says that they have and are ready to join the church. The middle age couple advise that the first week was okay but during the second week the husband had to sleep on the couch. Nonetheless, they made it and are ready to join the church.

The newlyweds hang their heads and the husband says, "Well, father, my wife was bending over taking something from the freezer the day after our meeting and I couldn't stop myself. I took her right on the spot." The clergyman says to the young couple, "I'm sorry but, you are forbidden from coming back to this church." The husband says, "I kinda figured that. We can't go back to the grocery store either."

A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: $1.00, Dinner: $1.00, Room: $1.00, Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00. He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"The manager says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

The man said, Well, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" The manager said, "That's right, sir, you could have. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

A Frisbeterian believes that when you die your soul goes up to the roof and you can't get it back down.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Cajun from Louisiana and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to." God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make."

God continued, " She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?"

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Eve's Side Of The Story: After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve and asked, "So, how is everything going?" Eve replied, "It is all so beautiful, God. The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these three breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced."

God said, "That's a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. God said, "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" Eve replied, "Just fantastic, but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see......where did I put that useless boob?"

A happily married man is one who understands every word his wife didn't say.

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read....."And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

That's it for today my little tiger lilies. Remember, genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Tom Bosley, who played Ritchie Cunningham's father (Howard) on "Happy Days" died of heart failure yesterday at a hospital near his home in Palm Springs, California, at the age of 83. I cannot remember how many Happy Days episodes that I watched during it's run, but the show was a big part of my life in that era and I, along with most of my friends, enjoyed it thoroughly.

Who could forget the antics of Fonzie, Ritchie, Potsie and Ralph Mouth? In a memorable era when television was a little more conservative, Happy Days was a nice escape back to yesterday and the innocence of the day. Tom Bosely was an integral part of the show and a reminder of how the youth respected their parents and their elders. Rest in peace, Mr. Bosely.

The News As I See It: Last week was a very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves -- but enough about the Democrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners. Americans love Chilean miners. I haven't seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom.

One miner had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining.They miners have already agreed to a movie deal. Even though several studios wanted to tell their story, they chose to remake "Saturday Night Fever" instead.

"The Talk" is a new show that features six women of different backgrounds discussing issues. Some people say it’s a rip-off of "The View," but it’s not. "The View" has five women.

Vice President Joe Biden said that the Democrats up for election aren't running on their accomplishments because they're too hard to explain. So basically he's saying either voters are to stupid to understand or the Democrats are too stupid to explain it. You know what's even harder to explain? Why the Democrats are letting Joe Biden talk with the election just a couple weeks away.

This Date In History: 1803; The Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase. 1944; Gen. Douglas MacArthur returned to the Philippines, 30 months after he said "I shall return." 1947; The U.S. House Un-American Activities Committee opened meetings about alleged Communist infiltration in the Hollywood film industry.

1964; The 31st president of the United States, Herbert Hoover, died in New York at age 90. 1968; Jacqueline Kennedy married Aristotle Onassis. 1973; The Sydney Opera House was opened by Queen Elizabeth II.

1973; During the Watergate scandal, Attorney General Elliot L. Richardson and Deputy Attorney General William B. Ruckelshaus resigned and special prosecutor Archibald Cox was dismissed by President Nixon in what came to be known as the "Saturday Night Massacre."

Picture Of The Day: Aside from the pictoral tribute to Tom Bosely, the rest of today's pictures are just some subtle headlines from the photoshop gang.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Innocence is defined as a Nun working in condom factory and thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice. 2) Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. 3) Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's McDonald's. 4) The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles. 5) Baseball is wrong. A man with 4 balls cannot walk......and that's five !

Birthdays: Sir Christopher Wren, English architect 1632, Arthur Rimbaud, poet 1854, John Dewey, philosopher, educator 1859, Charles Ives, composer 1874, Bela Lugosi, actor 1882, Jelly Roll Morton, musician 1890.

Arlene Francis, actress, TV personality 1907, Art Buchwald, humorist 1925, Mickey Mantle, baseball player 1931, Elfriede Jelinek, novelist and playwright 1946, Tom Petty, musician 1950, Viggo Mortensen, actor 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." He replied, "My darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Cajun and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games and started laying around. He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux asked him, "What about dis wonderful change that has done overtook you?" Boudreaux explained, "I heard 'Crisis in the Gulf of Mexico' and if He’s dat close, I wanna to be good to go!"

A man is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second man approaches and asks if he can join him. The first man says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone, and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms.

Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes. As they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church. The second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic, offering to give the priest back his money.

The priest says, "No, you won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father, I'll marry them for you."

A older man picked up a date at her parents’ home. He’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu, shrimp cocktail, lobster and Champagne. The man asked, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" The young woman replied, "No, but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight." The man said, "Enjoy your dinner....."

That's it for today my little kiddie kats. Remember, dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed. Think I'll mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !