Friday, December 30, 2011

Best Wishes For A Happy New Year To My Family And Friends

In the process of outlining my New Years Eve schedule, I've realized that I really don't have a destination. It really doesn't matter because my destinations always seem to change. Like the puppy who rolls over on his back and shows you his belly when you pet him, I'm easily swayed once the evening begins.

Ostensibly, I'll be heading to AREA 51 on New Years Eve, but I my ship has changed course many times in the past and there's no reason to assume it wont happen again.

Although it's been rare, there have been some party nights that I ended up flying to the Bahamas on a whim and as a young man, I woke up in a suite in Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. How I ended up in Vegas is still a little vague, but I was assured by my lady friend that I had a great time.

Of course, I was a little younger then and in those days, my body and mind worked as a team. Nowadays, my mind occasionally has a great idea but my body sometimes refuses to comply. When my mind sends a command to the "get up and go center", it finds many times that the department head has got up and went.

Be that as it may, it is highly suggested to those who rarely drink to pace yourselves, drink slowly and make sure you drink on a full stomach. New Years Eve drinking puts people on the road who rarely drink, so I recommend that everyone drive with care while dodging the amateurs.

My best wishes for a great, safe and prosperous New Year to all my family, friends and readers.

I was saddened to hear about the recent passing of Cheetah, the lovable chimp who starred with Tarzan (Johnny Weissmuller) and Jane (Maureen O'Sullivan) in the Tarzan movies. I grew up watching Tarzan, Jane and Cheetah as a boy and they have a special place in my heart. Cheetah was 80 years old, a long life for a chimp. Rest in peace my little pal.

The News As I See It: Why would anyone who doesn’t drink want to go out on New Year’s Eve? Not only do you pay outrageous prices to be around a bunch of drunks, but the next morning you actually remember it!

One year, we did it Mom and Dad's way on New Year's Eve. We broke open a package of Doritos, flipped on the TV and watched Paul Anka's hair fall out. Hey, it's better than watching Anderson Cooper and that sleazy Cathy Griffin.

I used to love it in the old days. One year, I went to Houston and we bet the rest of the guacamole dip on whether Mickey Gilley would fall off the piano stool.

I set a new record in 2011. I will start the new year as the proud owner of 17 odd socks.

This Date In History: 1853; The United States bought some 45,000 sq mi of land from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase. 1911; Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China.

1922; The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was established through the confederation of Russia, Byelorussia, Ukraine, and Transcaucasian Federation. 1940; California's first freeway opened.

1972; President Nixon halted the heavy bombing on North Vietnam. 1993; Israel and the Vatican signed an agreement of mutual recognition to put an end to Jewish-Christian hostilities.

Picture Of The Day: New year's resolutions by some of our citizens. As per my ususal, I resolve never to make New Year's resolutions and my record remains unblemished.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The year is almost over and I still haven't broken last year's New Year's resolution...never to go to another New Year's Eve party. Honest, I haven't been to one all year. 2) For many people the highlight of New Year's Eve is watching the ball drop in Times Square. Big deal. I've seen lots of balls drop this year. I watched all of the Miami Dolphins' games. 3) In 2012, prices and taxes will be going up, so on New Year's Eve, enjoy the ball descending in Times Square -- it's the only thing that's going down. 4) The only resolution ever I kept from a New Year's Eve party was never drink tequila too close to a Polynesian fire dancer. 5) For those planning to party hearty on New Year's Eve, remember, the annual wino parade starts promptly at midnight.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 30th: It's great to have your birthday fall on a Friday. There's no work the next day and you have more time to recover from partying. Be careful of your desire to pop party balloons. You know how you get once you start. Chances of romance are at 90 percent.

Birthdays: John Milne, seismologist 1850, Rudyard Kipling, British author 1865, Alfred E. Smith, political leader 1873, Paul Bowles, writer and composer 1910 ,Jack Lord, actor 1920, Bo Diddley, singer, guitarist, and songwriter 1928, Sandy Koufax, baseball player 1935, Jeff Lynne, singer and songwriter, and music producer 1947, Tracey Ullman, comedian, actress, singer 1959, Bennett Miller, filmmaker 1966, Tiger Woods, golfer 1975, Eliza Dushku, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. It was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Murray was in no shape to drive on New Year's Eve, so he sensibly left his car in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman, who inquired, "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" Murray answered, "I'm on my way to a lecture." The cop asked, "Who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" Murray slurred grimly, "My wife."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to all of my family and friends who made contributions to this year's stories. Have a safe and Happy New Year!

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes.

The next day, they were riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "Hump or Drown."

Rachel was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" Max, smiling broadly, answered, "You'll know at midnight."

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Rachel and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams." Max never heard the shot...

To My Perfect Martini: Hace tiempo no te veo, mi amor. Tenemos que salir! Feliz Ano Nuevo!

That's it for today my little party animals. Remember, have a great New Year's Eve. Remember to drive carefully, arrive home safely and don't embarrass yourself. In other words, make sure you're sobered up, buckled up and zipped up. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Note To Eric Holder: Brian Terry Will Not Fade Away!

United States Attorney Eric Holder keeps hoping that the ghost of US border patrol guard Brian Terry, killed during a shootout with a drug running, illegal alien, will just fade away, but he's wrong. Besides being the most incompetent Attorney General of all time, his arrogance and willfulness to evade responsibility for "Operation Fast and Furious" and the death of Brian Terry insults my intelligence.

It seems the shuck and jive, lying mentality of the Obama administration was used as a measure to appoint the entire Obama Cabinet. The only member of the Obama team that continues to have my respect is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who should have been the Democratic nominee for President.

Hopefully, 2012 will be a year of intelligent selection and the "American Idol" election mentality will have waned. Time will tell.....

The News As I See It: Iran is returning the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they're also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago.

Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.

Sometimes packages get lost in the mail. You're expecting something wonderful, and you wait and wait and nothing comes. It's like voting for Obama.

Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?

Obama ended up buying about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. It got a bit awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies.

This Date In History: 1065; Westminster Abbey consecrated. 1832; John C. Calhoun became the first vice president in U.S. history to resign from office. 1846; Iowa became the 29th state in the United States.

1869; William F. Semple patented chewing gum. 1895; The Lumiere Brothers gave the first commercial movie show at the Grand Cafe in Paris. 193;7 Composer Maurice Ravel died in Paris at age 62.

1945; Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance. 1981; Elizabeth Jordan Carr, the first American test-tube baby, was born in Norfolk, Virginia.

Picture Of The Day: The picture of the image of slain US Border Guard Brian Terry imposed on the ever incompetent Eric Holder was very moving for me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby. 2) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 3) Old is when a sexy girl catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 4) Social Security Sex is when you get a little each month, but not enough to live on. 5) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 28th: It's a great day for a birthday party and good practice for the upcoming New Year's Eve celebration. Tomorrow, remember to make a list of what not to drink or do that caused your hangover. Chance of romance is 50-50 depending on your alcohol consumption. Never trust a naked bus driver.

Birthdays: Eliza Lucas Pinckney, horticulturist 1722, Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States 1856, Earl "Fatha" Hines, jazz pianist 1903, Stan Lee, writer, editor 1922, Simon Raven, writer 1927, Manuel Puig, novelist 1932, Dame Maggie Smith, actress 1934, Denzel Washington, actor 1954, Ray Bourque, hockey player 1960, Linus Torvalds, computer scientist 1969, John Legend, singer, songwriter, pianist 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On his 70th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to the old and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down. The boy exclaimed, "Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!"

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering. The boy asked again, "Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, just watching the cars go by and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

Four guys have been going on the same hunting trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Chris' wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Chris' buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Chris sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. One of them asks, "Damn Chris, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" Chris says, "Well, I've been here since yesterday."The guys asks, "How'd you convince her?"

Chris says, "Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom."

Chris went on, "The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want'. So, here I am."

Murray Lipschitz passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Murray would be pleased." Her friend, Rachel, said, "I'm sure you're right."

Rachel lowered her voice, leaned in close and asked "How much did this really cost?" Rose said, "All of it....thirty thousand." Rachel exclaimed, "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Rose answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly and said, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" Rose said, "Two and a half carats."

After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. She said to her husband, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

That's it for today my little carrot sticks. Remember, there are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity. I checked the weather and it's a good day to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 26, 2011

Twas The Night After Christmas And.....

I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday. Christmas fell perfectly this year arriving on a beautiful Sunday morning here in Miami. As far as I can tell, my family and friends had a great time and hopefully, no one had to go back to the stores for exchanges.

There are, of course, the masochistic many who return to the stores for after Christmas sales, much like the swallows return to Capistrano. I never say anything to them about this particular quirk but we all know there will be New Years sales starting Thursday and so it goes.

There will always be sales my friends and if there's not a particular holiday to trump up, then retailers will invent one. Personally. I'm waiting for Potato Week and the holiday parties and sales that it always brings. Potato Week is only surpassed by Festevus which I hope everyone enjoyed. I know I did.....

The News As I See It: The Pope came out again this Christmas against materialism. He says instead of giving material presents, you should give of yourself. You can really see that the Pope's not married.

To save the economy, on December 30, 2011, Obama and the Congress will order the immigration department to start deporting retired people instead of illegals in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. We are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home! See you on the bus. I wonder where we're going?

My old friend Frank in North Dakota, near the Canadian Border, called me and said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down. It's nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

This Date In History: 1776; George Washington defeated the Hessians at Trenton. 1865; James H. Nason received a patent for a coffee percolator. 1966;
The first Kwanzaa is celebrated. 1972; The 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman, died in Kansas City, Missouri.

1985; Zoologist Dian Fossey was found murdered in Rwanda. 1996; JonBenet Ramsey was found murdered in her Boulder, Colorado, home. 2004; In the Indian Ocean, a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, the largest in 40 years, triggered a tsunami that ultimately killed more than 280,000.

Picture Of The Day: The remnants of the hectic holidays.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For Christmas, I got a new shirt and a piece of ass...both were too big. 2) I also got a sweater. It was nice, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 3) I started a neighborhood watch in my neighborhood and it was going well until she closed her curtains. 4) God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. 5) Sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 26th: Today's a great day to lay back and relax. Don't be fooled by the day after Christmas sales. There'll be a New Years sale soon and so it continues. Chances of romance are low mostly due to your physical and mental state caused by holiday stress. Have a few evening drinks and relax. Tomorrow's another day.

Birthdays: My lady pals Jennifer, Mary and Yvette were on born on this day. Happy Birthday girls 19XX, Frederick II, Holy Roman emperor 1194, Thomas Gray, poet 1716, Charles Babbage, mathematician 1791, George Dewey, admiral 1837, Mao Zedong, Founder of People's Republic of China 1893, Steve Allen, comedian, actor, author 1921, Carlton Fisk, baseball player 1947, Jared Leto, actor 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older couple, both poets, were discussing the character of men and women. She said, "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

He retorted, "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Sophie was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Murray, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Murray, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Murray looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Sophie cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Murray grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Murray answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Murray answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Murray answered, "Only if it's raining."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Dutch and Wally for their contributions to today's stories. Got any funny stories or jokes? Send 'em to me at

There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

Mister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah." Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell said, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!" Miss Annabell said, "They call them homosexuals." The young girls fan themselves and say "Oh my! Oh my!"

Miss Annabell continued, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls asked, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell said, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell said, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The young girls squealed, "Oh My! Oh My!," as they sat on the edge of their chairs and fanned themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they asked in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and said in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

A friend of mind who was temporarily incapacitated once asked, "I need you to be my eyes and ears." I told him, "Ok, if you can be my liver and prostate."

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 23, 2011

Counting Down To Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). These men will then and only then begin to understand the Herman Cain syndrome and it's effects on their lives.

Younger men traditionally make these errors but soon catch on after a few years seeing "that look" in her eyes. It is a look that is never forgotten over the duration of their relationship.

Smarter, more experienced women have already learned how to get the gift they really want. They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location and a picture and pertinent details of the present along with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what she wants.

Men's wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice. Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox. Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.

So that's the basic shopping plans for today and tomorrow. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my family, friends and readers!

The News As I See It: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called Obama a clown and an embarrassment. Hey Chavez, you forgot about OBiden and Pelosi.

According to the census bureau, the number of women getting pregnant is at its lowest rate in 70 years. So, apparently that NBA strike had a bigger effect on America than we thought.

Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.

Obama went out and did some shopping. He took the entire White House Press Corps with him, but still he's out there boosting the economy -- the Chinese economy -- but still, he's doing what he can, ladies and gentlemen.

An angel without wings is unnatural. It's like having a Kardashian without back hair.

Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words "beautiful, smart, and funny." When asked how he picked those, he used the words, "she’s, sitting, and right-next-to-me."

Every year, as usual, al-Qaida threatens to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.

Newt Gingrich signed a no adultery pledge. Out of habit, he signed it John Smith.

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia. 1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.

1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley. 1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed.

1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.

Picture Of The Day: The Christmas pictures always warm me and I hope you enjoy them as well. I did get a kick out of the picture below.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day. Things have changed a bit since I last bought one. The guy asked if I wanted the three-year warranty. 2) Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells. 3) One of my lady friends wanted me to go Christmas shopping with her yesterday. I really hate crowds of crazy shoppers so I just dropped her off at the mall with a GPS.

4) The National Football League is asking it's players to donate their brains to medicine, ostensibly to study the effects of head collisions. The only thing that could possibly be funnier than that is if the National Basketball Association asks its players to donate their brains to study their lack of ability to conjugate verbs, specifically, "I am", and to pronounce the word "ask." 5) Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 23rd: It should be a great day for everyone. Spirits are high and chances are, most of you will attain that same level before the night is over. Chances of romance are good with the exception of those who turn 65 today, but don't worry Kirt, I won't say anything.

Birthdays: Brother Kirt joins the society of ancient ones - Happy Birthday Bro! 19XX, Richard Arkwright, inventor 1732, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, James Duke, industrialist 1856, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Yousuf Karsh, photographer 1908, Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actress 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No!", and the man drank beer and caroused with women and stayed out late and used the guest towels and farted at will and didn't put the toilet seat down and lived happily ever after.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a man was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a shopping mall. He pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking spot and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the sales clerk. When asked what he'd like, he simply says, "a Barbie Doll". The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99?" The clerk replies, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture...."

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll. Nobody knows what the hell it says cause no ones got the balls to pull the cord.

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance: 1) a woman 2) a donkey 3) a shovel 4) a fish 5) a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."

He continued, "The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol sppears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiasticlly and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, while you've been 'reading' and 'interpreting' these inscriptions from left to right, everyone knows that the Hebrews would have written from right to left. "Now, look again: It says, 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'"

That's it for today my little sleigh belles and beaus. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday. Remember, never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. It's Friday and party time in AREA 51. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Is It Me Or Is It A Left-Handed Thing?

I love it when people repeat an adage and get it completely wrong. I don't say anything, I just enjoy the moment. One of the most recent ones I heard was "the goat of Christmas past." I'm thinking that either they had a fine holiday meal or someone nailed Nanny last year.

Personally, I think that death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

I always say, if people who live in glass houses sink ships and a penny saved is worth two in the bush, then why do people with loose lips, who throw stones, end up with a bird in the hand and a penny earned? And finally, don’t cross the road if you can’t get out of the kitchen..... (Huh?)

The News As I See It: North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill.

At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il. Naturally, they passed over his two older brothers, Tito and Jermaine.

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, "I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to Rap."

It was leaked that Tiger Woods' divorce settlement ending up netting his wife almost $100 million. The news was leaked to the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times and Kobe Bryant's wife.

The Salvation Army says that someone actually dropped a diamond ring into one of their donation kettles or as Kobe Bryant’s wife put it, "You’re welcome."

Hanukkah celebrates the miracle when a few drops of oil kept a lamp burning for eight days. Doesn't that sound like some kind of product made by the ShamWow people?

A new survey found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So, it all balances out.

This Date In History: 1620; The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts. 1891; The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played. 1898; Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium.

1913; The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World. 1937; Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered. 1970; Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House.

1988; A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people. 1991; Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. 1995; Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.

Picture Of The Day: There's a lot of crazy in me today.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was getting amorous with one of my lady friends and just as the moment drew near, she said, "Please practice safe sex". So, I locked the truck door. 2) In honor of Christmas, a town in the Minnesota held a reindeer race. Of course, it happened to be right when my Grandma was crossing the street. 3) When I was born, I was given a choice - to be well hung or have a good memory. I can't remember what I chose. 4) Had this been an actual emergency, I would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified. 5) I got a Christmas email from my Nigerian friend who is going to share his bank account money with me. He asked me if I sent the check of good faith. I told him the check's in the mail. That's one of the two lies that have been useful for me in the past.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 21st: Dress appropriately today because there's quite a few office parties going on. Wine should be your choice in beverages because you remember what happened last year. Chances of romance are 60-40 depending on you resisting the desire to make copies of your face on the copy machine.

Birthdays: Joseph Stalin, Soviet Communist Leader 1879, Dame Rebecca West, novelist and critic 1892, Josh Gibson, baseball player 1911, Jane Fonda, actress 1937, Frank Zappa, rock musician , composer, and pianist 1940, Michael Tilson Thomas, conductor, composer, and pianist 1944, Samuel L. Jackson, actor 1948, Chris Evert, tennis player 1954, Ray Romano, comedian, actor 1957, Florence Griffith-Joyner, sprinter 1959, Kiefer Sutherland, actor 1966, Julie Delpy, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older couple was doing last minute shopping on Christmas Eve. Walking through the very crowded mall, the wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around. She became very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband to ask where he was.

The husband, in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife, crying, said, "Yes, I remember". Her husband said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to that jewelry store."

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. Charlie asks, "So, how'd it go, Harry?" Harry said, "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."

Charlie tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" Harry said, "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington state and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. The clerk said, "Guess what, sir? I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" The manager asked, "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" The clerk said, "That's the one!"

The manager cried, I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" The clerk replied, "Oh, after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off, saying, "No, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?" Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him said, "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"

Jesus said, "Certainly, Jesus & Finkelstein it is." Finkelstein replied, "Oh no. Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." Jesus said, "I understand, Mr. Finkelstein, but I am the son of God." The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. They finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

That's it for today my little holly boughs. Remember, once you're over the hill, you pick up speed. It's Hump day. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !