Friday, August 25, 2017

Have You Experienced Haboobs? Ha Yes!

In the interest of keeping my friends and readers aware of scientific information that affects America, I would like to make you aware of a phenomenon that occasionally plagues Arizona, along with the normal infestation of illegal aliens and drug smugglers.

Giant dust storms sometimes inundate the cities. Scientists refer to the phenomenon as a haboob, an Arabic word meaning.....uh, giant dust storm. Phoenix is the only city in the southwest that has had to face a large pair of haboobs.

Yes, it's true. Giant haboobs cab take the Phoenix Area by storm and scientist are still unsure how to warn residents of the severity of the storm. Hurricanes, for example, are rated as category one, two, et cetera.

Tornadoes are referred to as F1, F2 and so on. Leading meteorologists are considering rating the severity of the haboobs as A, B, C, D and the dangerous Double D.

While reporters are "embedded" in war situations and weather reporters "hunker down" during hurricanes, I feel it would only be natural for weather reporters to be "implanted" in the larger haboobs. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is coming out with a book called "What Happened"(?). Out of habit, Bill Clinton immediately came out with his own book called, "Baby, I Can Explain."

In the book, Hillary calls Donald Trump a "creep" who "made her skin crawl." If Trump is a "creep" for merely being near Hillary, one wonders how she feels when she thinks about Bill and Monica Lewinsky's escapades in the Oval Office.

This Date In History: 1718; New Orleans was founded by French settlers and named after the Duke of Orleans. 1825; Uruguay declared its independence from Brazil. 1875; Matthew Webb became the first person to swim across the English Channel. It took him 21 hours and 45 minutes.

1916; The Department of the Interior created the National Park Service to manage and preserve national parks and monuments for future generations. 1944; Paris was liberated from Nazi occupation by Allied forces.

1984; Author Truman Capote was found dead in Los Angeles. 2001; Singer and actress Aaliyah died in a plane crash in the Bahamas. 2003; NASA launched the infrared Spitzer Space Telescope.

2009; Edward "Ted" Kennedy, who served as a Democratic senator from Massachusetts since 1962, dies. He was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor in 2008. 2012; The first human to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong, died after suffering complications from a heart bypass.

Picture Of The Day: A Haboob engulfs a city. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politicians should be limited to two terms: One in office and one in prison. 2) Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Wednesday. 3) I was getting amorous with one of my lady friends and just as the moment drew near, she said, "Please practice safe sex". So, I locked the truck door. 4) Miami's a wonderful city although some of its citizens are very rude. I went to the library yesterday and said, "I'd like a card." The librarian said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of Miami", so I stabbed him.  5) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was just the Mace.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 25th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

Birthdays: Allan Pinkerton, detective 1819, Sir Hans Adolf Krebs, biochemist 1900, Leonard Bernstein, American composer, conductor and pianist 1918, George Wallace, governor 1919, Althea Gibson, tennis player 1927, Sean Connery, actor 1930, Regis Philbin, TV personality 1934, Tim Burton, director 1958. 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing, "Freeze a jolly good fellow" and then they kick him in the ice hole....

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window and said, "Young lady, I would like three pickets to Tittsburg." He completely lost his composure and scurried away.

The second priest goes to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too hurried away.

The third priest moves to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house. So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

One of the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!" Bob said, "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. So for 14 long years, not a single person sang karaoke. Speaking of karaoke, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Saturday, August 19, 2017

Free Speech Doesn't Justify Armed Thugs

Armed and masked Antifa thugs should be arrested on sight. The same people would be arrested immediately entering a bank. Why authorities don't put a stop to this escapes me. The right to protest ends when innocent bystanders are threatened or injured.

Peaceful protests are a right and should be encouraged, but helmets, masks, bats and arms are not peaceful and should not be tolerated.

The Democrats seem to have left their Russian Conspiracy theory for a racism and white supremacy theory, verbally indicting the White House and by implication, all Republicans, as racists.

Democrat Nancy Pelosi called the recent firing of Steve Bannon "welcome news" but said that it "doesn't disguise" where President Trump stands on white supremacy.

So, at the end of the day, are the far left and far right lunatics going to be allowed to create hysteria for the majority of the nation using the crutch of free speech to propagate their goals? 

The News As I See It: An Alabama woman, missing for nearly a month said she was able to survive in the woods on mushrooms. Officials said, "Ma’am, you were out there for 45 minutes."

Reports say that the U.S. has a plan to launch a cyber attack on North Korea. It’s pretty serious. They say it could affect both of North Korea’s computers.

News organizations are actually telling people what to do in case of a nuclear attack. They say people should immediately stay inside and keep watching Netflix.

Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting.

Football stadiums are going to get a delivery system that will bring food right to your seat. However, if you’re a Rams fan, your food will most likely be intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

This Date In History: 1227; Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan died in China. 1587; Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents born in North America. 1894; Congress established the Bureau of Immigration, forerunner of the Immigration and Naturalization Service.

1920; When Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, the three-quarters of the states necessary was achieved and American women got the right to vote. 1936; Spanish poet and playwright Federico Garcia Lorca was shot and killed by Franco's soldiers during the Spanish Civil War. 1958; Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita was published.

Picture Of The Day: This is not a peaceful protest. It is people looking to cause trouble.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was once pulled over in Miami because the police officer thought I had been drinking. He asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in the state was. I said, "I don't know, re-election to Congress?" 2) I know, some people are against drinking and driving, but you know, sometimes you've just got no choice. Those kids gotta get to school.

3) Sex is not that important. It's the afterward part when you're naked, it's warm and you watch the sun come up through the windshield. You look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you realize that you probably just screwed a pirate.

4) When you are dating, farting is never an issue. When you are married, you make sure there’s nothing flammable near your wife.  5) My friend went to CVS pharmacy and asked for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "I need medical proof that you need it." My friend said, "Will a picture of my wife do?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 18th: Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Destiny might play with your mind though and take you to a pet store.

Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. However, the chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch tomorrow are remote so you might as well quit, go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes.

You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on Ebay. There's a great sale on shoes, though.

Birthdays: Virginia Dare, first white child of English parents to be born in America 1587, Meriwether Lewis, explorer 1774, Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit, diplomat 1900, Shelley Winters, actress 1920, Rosalynn Smith Carter, first lady 1927, Roman Polanski, film director 1933, Roberto Clemente, baseball player 1934, Robert Redford, actor and director 1937, Patrick Swayze, actor 1952, Christian Slater, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed. She went to a plastic surgeon and asks the doctor, "I can't get rid of these bags, can you help me?"

The doctor told he is willing to try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes, she is to use the crank and the bags will go away. She gets the crank put in her head and leaves.

It works for a while until one day, she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can, but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor.

She says to the doctor, "This was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies, "Those aren't bags....those are your boobs." The woman replied, "I guess that explains this goatee."

A woman was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman was at the doctor's office with her husband. She took the doctor aside and said, "I don't want to say anything in front of my husband, but, lately, he's been buying Purina Dog Chow at the grocery store and eating it as a snack."

The doctor said, "That's unusual. Is he doing anything else that seems strange?" The woman says, "Yes, when I'm driving, he likes to stick his head out of the window for the fresh air."

The doctor says, "This sounds like he may have Canus Complexus. In layman's terms, he may think that he's a dog." The woman lamented, "That sounds serious, doctor. Is there anything you can do for him?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, it could kill him. But there's a new drug that I can give him that should help. You mix it in with his food along with some wet dog food. After a while the drug and dog food mixture will begin to make him sick when he eats the dog chow and it should return him to normal."

Six months passed and the doctor happened to see the woman at the shopping mall dressed in black. The doctor greeted the woman and asked, "How is your husband?" The woman sadly told the doctor, "He passed away two weeks ago."

The doctor was deeply moved and said, "My sincere condolences. I really thought that the dog food and drug mixture would have cured him, not killed him"

Then woman said, "Oh, no doctor. The dog food and drugs mixture didn't bother him at all." The doctor asked, "Then, how did he die?" The woman replied, "He was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls and a dump truck ran over him."

At a cocktail party, the host asked the attractive blonde if she would like another drink. The blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

The host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it. After two drinks, anyone can!"

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. This information may or may not affect your balance when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, August 11, 2017

Commercials For the Hard Of Understanding

How many times have you been watching a television commercial for some piece of crap and they say, "A $200 value." Really? Valued by whom? Then, they cut the price of the item from $200 to $19.95. The next thing you hear is, "But wait! There's more!"

Well, they're right, there is more. They proceed to tell you that they will give an additional product for the same price. Then comes the hook, "Just pay separate shipping and handling." By the time you finish, you're paying through the nose.

Sometimes, they give you a guarantee. Guess what? It costs less than $200 to form a corporation and your guarantee dies the same day the corporation is abandoned. The old "Not sold in stores" line is used a lot. It's not sold in stores because the product is usually a piece of crap the store wouldn't sell anyway.

The trick to discovering the "hooks" in advertising is to listen to or read the information carefully. One of my favorites is the many clothing stores which always run ads touting "buy one suit and get one free." The hook is the offer is on "most suits".

Translation? Suits and clothing manufactured by Armani, Gucci, Givenchy, Pierre Cardin and other designers are not part of the sale. The reason? The designer suits cost between $500 to $1,500 dollars. Your sale suit designer will be Roy Rogers. You can get the same quality level of the "buy one, get one free" suits by going to Sears or JCPenney.

I don't trust attorneys who advertise. You rarely see advertising by any attorney worth his salt on TV. One of the TV hooks is "you don't pay unless we win your case." Big deal! Any attorney listed in the yellow pages goes by the same rule. It's not an isolated nor exclusive offer.

Attorneys say you can come in for a free consultation. This is true, but it helps the attorney determine if he'll make money with your case. If not, they show you the door. The real hook? They get 33 and 1/3 percent if they settle out of court and 50 percent of the proceeds if they win. Such a deal.....!

Oh, and before I forget, any site that claims to speed up your computer (PCmatic, My Clean PC, Rotorooter your PC, Kiss my Lily White PC, et al) are out and out ruses and scams aimed at the hard of understanding.

The bottom line? As advertisement goes, don't believe anything you hear and half of what you see and chances are, you'll save yourself a lot of time and money.

I have to confess that parts of today's post have been re-gifted from a previous post in 2013.

On A Sad Note, Stock car champion racer Bruce "Pee Wee" Griffin passed away in his sleep this week. Pee Wee raced at many venues during his career including Nascar and many northern tracks. He began his career racing locally at Hialeah Speedway, Palmetto Speedway and West Palm Beach Speedway. He will be missed.

The News As I See It: The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot.

President Trump is being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire "a drug-infested den." New Hampshire is furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname.

ABC is dropping plans for a live musical of "The Little Mermaid" because of budget issues. Also, because nobody can hold their breath underwater for two hours.

This Date In History1854; Henry David Thoreau's Walden, recounting his experiment in solitary life on the shores of Massachusetts' Walden Pond, was published. 1956; Jesse Owens became the first American to win four gold medals in one Olympics.

1945; The United States exploded a nuclear bomb over Nagasaki, Japan, killing an estimated 74,000 people. 1965; Singapore proclaimed its independence from Malaysia. 1974; Vice president Gerald Ford was sworn in as president following Nixon's resignation. 1995; Jerry Garcia, lead singer and guitarist of the Grateful Dead, died.

Picture Of The Day: Bruce "Pee Wee" Griffin feature winner at Palmetto Speedway circa 1960. Rest in Peace, my friend.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters. My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much. 2) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction. 3) I don't think the Swiss were ever overly concerned about war. They included a corkscrew in their army knife. 4) A man started choking in the line at Walmart today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register. 5) I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 9th: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. The partner of your dreams will realize you are worthy of attention, today. Stock up on alcohol and remember to change the sheets.

Birthdays: Izaak Walton, writer 1593, Amedeo Avogadro, physicist 1776, William Fowler, nuclear astrophysicist 1911, Bob Cousy, basketball player 1928, Whitney Houston, singer 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Hillary" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 800-pound grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Trump" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Four of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while another placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him and proclaimed, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions! I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" Another replied, "Dude, that was the Pope. He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

The logger said, "Well, he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Chicago and get another one?"

A couple of women moved into a small house on a quiet street. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a lovely social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude and Thelma, two old spinsters, are watching from the front porch swing across the street when Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde female motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. He walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" She replied, "Sure,do you need a lift?"

The man said, "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.”

The blonde replied, "I'd be happy to." The two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's SUV. They were carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde and said, "What are you doing here?" I gave you $100 to take these monkeys to the zoo!" The blonde said, "Yes, I know you did, but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

A man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him. Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention.

She said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior. The man said, " Really? What kind of myths?" She said, "Everyone thinks that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction."

She continued, "People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern Rednecks have the best stamina.".

Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, " I'm sorry", I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The man answered, "Geronimo,...Geronimo Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba !"

That's it for today, my little tiddly winks. Remember, if you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side of the bed. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !