Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I Have No Patience

Don't you just love it when someone goes to a crowded coffee shop or fast food restaurant, waits in line and then has no idea of what they want when they get to the front. What the hell were they doing all that time? Their taxes?

Hey Bonehead! The menu hasn't changed since you were ten-years-old. If you can't speak English, hold up enough fingers to match your order or just point to the picture.

Then I get to the front and the bill comes $5.35. So I give the moron at the register a ten dollar bill together with 35 cents. His face goes blank and his eyes roll back into his head.

After pondering the situation, register guy goes to his manager and they converse. After a few moments, register guy returns with the manager who has to open the register with his "special" key and gives me $5.00. And these people want their wages increased to $15.00 an hour?

Oscar and Emmy-winning actress Patty Duke has died at the age of 69. The cause of death was sepsis from a ruptured intestine. Ms. Duke started her career as a child actress on daytime soap opera "The Brighter Day," and she won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for "The Miracle Worker" when she was just 16, becoming the youngest Oscar winner at the time. May she rest in peace.

The News As I See It: With marijuana becoming legal in so many places these days, they’re really looking into how it can effect people who use it. And one new study says smoking marijuana regularly can lead to antisocial behaviors at work and even lying to get a job. Then stoners said, "You lost me at 'work,' and re-lost me at 'get a job.'"

A study that took almost 40 years shows that regularly smoking marijuana can make people worse at their jobs. When asked how they knew that, researchers said, "Because that study was only supposed to take two years, man!"

This Date In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War.

1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.

1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television.

1981; President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: Bernillary - The worst of two worlds.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If your smart phone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. Then at night, the rice will attract Asians and they will fix all your electronics for you. 2) I imagine the discovery of fruit went like this: "Ok, so far you've named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?......Really? (sigh). 3) Once, I dropped off my ex-mother-in-law at the airport. Her flight wasn't until Tuesday, but with security and all, it was best to play it safe. 4) I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was the florist.  5) Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady, I always hand her a card that states "A mild sense of nausea is perfectly normal.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 28th: So that you don't embarrass yourself at your next Asian dinner party, Deja vu is not a French Indonesian dish and Sean Penn is not a city in Thailand.

Birthdays: Maimonides, Jewish scholar 1135, Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh, postimpressionist painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two cute, young, lesbians lived next door to a man who was outside drinking a beer in celebration of his birthday. Upon learning about his special day, the two girls asked what he would like for his birthday.

Later that day, the man was sitting with his friend when the girls came over and gave him a birthday present. He was quite surprised that the present was a Timex!

Thanking the girts as they left, he turned to his friend and said, "That was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me when they asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, 'I wanna watch'."

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. He downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.

At that moment, he looked up to see his boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hey boss, did you see that fellow just now? He came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip and rushed out without paying."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side."

He continued, "When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Martha?" She smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, "What dear?" He replied, "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-B-Birmingham." The therapist said,"That's no use, Trevor. Who's next?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-P-Paisley." The young lass said, "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, "London." The therapist answered, "Brilliant, Paddy!", and she immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, "-d-d-derry".

That's it for today, my little primroses. Remember, "significant other" is a fairly distant way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them "the person I sleep with"? I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Monday.

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Friday, March 25, 2016

Warning: Politically Minded Morons Walk Among Us

I'm becoming weary of daily politics, especially the rhetoric from the politically uneducated, both left and right. My current peeve is with people who are unable to correctly pronounce the names of groups they associate with various candidates.

For the supposedly intelligent, George Soros liberals, who feel they are politically educated, do yourselves a favor so that you don't sound like complete assholes. The hate group that you go out of your way to associate with Donald Trump is called the "Ku Klux Klan", not the "Klu Klux Klan."

I understand that many people may not know the exact names of every political group and that politics, history and even geography are not among their priorities, especially the younger crowd. These people are usually of college age, who rant about bigotry, racism and violence while wearing Che Guevara t-shirts. The irony amuses me.

But when reporters and other media types speak with supposed authority and do not even know the actual name of a group is, their intellect becomes suspect. It is the equivalent of the many young media people who use the word "So" to begin every thought. In order to focus on this grammatical ignorance, the older crowd may remember Maynard G. Krebbs beginning every sentence with "Like". 

That is all. For those of you who do not know who Maynard G. Krebbs is, ask your parents. For those of you who regularly read my journal, this has been a semi-rant. For those of you who are liberal and/or do not normally read my journal, you can now resume your regularly scheduled liberal spoon feeding.....

The News As I See It: While in Cuba, Obama and Cuban President Raúl Castro watched a baseball game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Cuban national baseball team. The Rays won and the Cuban team was sent to prison.

In Florida, an Anheuser-Busch truck collided with a Frito-Lay truck, spilling beer and chips all over the highway. We Floridians call that an "Easter miracle."

This Date In History: 1634; Maryland was founded by settlers sent by the late Lord Baltimore. 1894; Jacob Sechler Coxey and his "army" of unemployed men began their march from Ohio to Washington, DC. 1911; A fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Co. in New York City killed 145 workers.

1931; The Scottsboro boys were arrested in Alabama. 1934; Horton Smith won the first Masters golf tournament at Augusta National in Georgia. 1957; The European Economic Community was established by the Treaty of Rome.

1965; The 25,000-person Alabama Freedom March to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks, led by Martin Luther King Jr., ended its journey from Selma on the steps of the State Capitol in Montgomery, Alabama. 1975; King Faisal of Saudi Arabia was shot and killed by his nephew. 1994; U.S. troops withdrew from Somalia.

Picture Of The Day: Happy Easter

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I told my girlfriend that she needed to spend less time with her dog. She hasn't bitten the mailman yet but she's starting to circle three times before sitting down. 2) I saw a bumper sticker that said either "support your local beaver" or "support your local brewer". Either way. it's sound advice. 3) When drinking, I suggest that you don't raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon. 4) Marriage controversy notwithstanding, no state should legally recognize a marriage if they don't serve alcohol at the wedding. 5) I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk, the light is low, there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 25th: That tingly little feeling you get when you like someone is actually your common sense leaving your body. Make tomorrow more fun. Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says, "now voice activated." Then, sit back and watch the magic unfold.

Birthdays: Arturo Toscanini, conductor 1867, Bela Bartok, composer 1881, Howard Cosell, sports commentator 1920, Simone Signoret, actress 1921, Flannery O'Connor, author 1925, Gloria Steinem, feminist 1934, Aretha Franklin, singer 1942, Elton John, musician, singer, songwriter 1947, Sarah Jessica Parker, actress 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Murray goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" Murray replies, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" Murray then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" Murray says, "Yes!" The Rabbi says, "Take the poison."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."

Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, Little Zach came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated.

Finally, Little Zach brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an "A" in math.

She asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?" Little Zachary said, "No!" She asked, "What was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

That's it for today, my little catfish. Remember, in Canada, they don't count one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi..... They count one-Saskatchewan, two-Saskatchewan..... I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a super weekend and more on Monday.

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Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Schools Need Phys Ed Classes

Back in the day, the majority of school kids were in shape, Besides playing after school, every student had some form of organized exercise beginning in elementary school. That's one of the reasons today's kids are overweight.

The sad thing about this (besides being unhealthy) is that it has become accepted by adults and the kids. I see young kids wearing clothes or bathing suits that would have embarrassed any of us back in the day.

Besides the parents, I blame today's pathetic school system, who in their infinite wisdom and efforts to cut financial corners, have eliminated most physical activities in school. Of course, the schools have made sure that kids are politically correct and little Johnny or Jane make sure they offend no one.

The school food of today is complete crap and the government telling parents what the kids should eat to be healthy disgusts me. The truth is most kids can eat anything as long as they exercise and burn off the calories they consume.

Naturally, this would require logic, which apparently is non-existent in school government as they are busy teaching confusing new math to overweight kids who don't get it and could care less.

Fortunately, there are still a few kids with intelligent parents. These kids will move on to a better future unless of course they are of the same ilk as Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. If that is the case, they be better off just being overweight fat kids.....

The News As I See It: Obama went to Cuba, a formerly hostile territory, last weekend . Then he returned to Washington, a currently hostile territory. Cuban President Raul Castro asked Obama to return ownership of Guantanamo Bay to Cuba. Obama agreed, but only if Cuba takes Florida.

Apple announced it’s releasing a new smaller iPhone. The iPhone is described as so small, it can fit in the palm of the hand of the child who made it.

Bernie Sanders recently spoke at the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona and said, "we don't need a wall." Then Bernie said, "But then again, I also told Noah we didn't need an Ark, so who knows?"

Amazon has a new reality show that shadows an NFL team for an entire football season. The show follows players from the day they’re drafted all the way until the day they’re sentenced.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz denied accusations that she is taking sides in the primary election season, and said, "There is no shred of evidence to suggest that I’m favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Socialist.....I mean Bernie Sanders."

This Date In History: 1775; Patrick Henry declared "Give me liberty, or give me death." 1806; Lewis and Clark began their return journey east. 1919; Benito Mussolini founded his own party in Italy, the Fasci di Combattimento.

1983; U.S. President Ronald Reagan proposed a space-based missile defense system called the Strategic Defense Initiative or "Star Wars." 1998; The motion picture epic "Titanic" won 11 Oscars at the 70th Academy Awards, tying it with "Ben-Hur" for the most ever.

2001; Russia's Mir space station ended its 15-year orbit of the Earth, splashing down in the South Pacific. 2003; A U.S. Army convoy was ambushed in Iraq with 11 killed and seven captured, including Pfc. Jessica Lynch.

Picture Of The Day: Physical Education Class

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works. 2) If you decapitate a vegan, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 6 minutes. 3) "Jesus Take The Wheel" is a country music song. It was inspired by Mexicans stripping a car. It's a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, he takes the rims, tires and stereo too. 4) I'm not a racist. I hate all races equally, especially the 100 yard dash and the marathon. 5) It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee on parked car tires.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 23rd: Wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic. I would estimate that at least fifty percent of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed.

Birthdays: John Bartram, botanist 1699, Pierre Simon Laplace, astronomer and mathematician 1749, William Smith, geologist 1769, Juan Gris, artist 1887, Erich Fromm, psychoanalyst and author 1900, Joan Crawford, actress 1908, Wernher von Braun, scientist 1912, Donald Malcolm Campbell, automobile and boat racer 1921, Roger Bannister, physician, athlete 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and wife are in bed and the wife says, "Honey, if I die would you get married again? Her husband replied, "No dear." His wife said, "I'm sure you would."

The annoyed husband said, "Okay, I would." The wife asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Her husband answered, "Yeah, I guess so."

The wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?" Her husband replied, "No, she's thinner than you."

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50. She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap.

The shopkeeper said, "Well, to be honest, the bird's last owner was a madam at a whorehouse. He occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."

A little while later, her daughters got home from school and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.

Later that evening, her husband Robert came home. The parrot said, "Hi Bobby!"

A guy walked into a bar and after a couple of drinks, said to the bartender, "I’ve got this great Polish joke."

The bartender glared and warned him, "Before you go telling that joke, I I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."

The guy replies, "Okay, I’ll tell it slowly."

That's it for today, my little jitterbugs. Remember, Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Monday, March 21, 2016

Cuba Presidential Visit A Waste Of Time

Obama stood beside President Raúl Castro on Monday and declared a "new day" of openness between the United States and Cuba. For America, the trip resolved nothing. For Obama, a feeble effort to build on a nonexistent legacy and for Cuba, a possibility to increase revenue to the island.

Obama, the first sitting U.S. president to visit Cuba in nearly 90 years, is under pressure from critics at home to push Castro's government to allow political dissent and to further open its Soviet-style economy. Some opponents of the visit say he has already given away too much as he improves ties, with too little from Cuba in return.

Old grievances and disputes over human rights marred a groundbreaking meeting and underscored lingering impediments to a historic thaw.

The two men, meeting at the Revolutionary Palace for the first such official contact between their two governments in more than a half-century, engaged in a frank and at times awkward exchange with each other and reporters.

Obama at turns prodded Mr. Castro to submit to questions during an extraordinary 55-minute news conference. Standing at lecterns in a cavernous granite-walled hall in front of Cuban and American flags, the two leaders traded criticism of each other’s countries even as both said they were committed to continuing on the path to normalizing relations.

Castro said, "Give me a list of the political prisoners and I will release them immediately," when asked by a reporter about dissidents his government has arrested. Castro continued, "Just mention the list. What political prisoners?"

Human rights groups quickly produced rosters, distributed over email and social media, of people they said had been imprisoned in Cuba for demonstrating against or otherwise challenging Mr. Castro’s government.

Mr. Castro sought to turn the human rights criticism on the United States, arguing that countries that do not provide universal health care, education and equal pay are in no position to lecture Cuba. He also said Guantánamo should be returned to Cuba.

Obama said he had pressed the Cuban president in their meeting over Cuba’s treatment of dissidents and reaffirmed that he would meet with some dissidents privately on Tuesday. But he also assured Mr. Castro that the United States had no intention of dictating his country’s future.

Obama said, "I affirm that Cuba’s destiny will not be decided by the United States or any other nation. Cuba is sovereign and rightly has great pride and the future of Cuba will be decided by Cubans, not by anybody else.”

Obama went a step further, in comments likely to be seized upon by critics of his push to pursue an opening with Cuba, conceding that the United States must face up to the criticisms Mr. Castro unleashed.

Obama said, "I actually welcome President Castro commenting on some of the areas where he feels that we’re falling short, because I think we should not be."

Scorecard? Cuba 10, America 2, Obama...... a zero!

The News As I See It: The president of CNN rejected claims that the network has given Donald Trump too much attention, and said he feels no responsibility for the rise of Donald Trump. Makes sense. Just because someone mentions Trump a lot on TV doesn't mean they're responsible for what he does if he's president.

Speaking of trump, he recently said that if he becomes president he'll force Apple to start making its products in the United States. It's great news for anyone who wants to pay $5,000 for an iPhone.

This Date In History: 1556; The Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Cranmer, was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1804; The French civil code, the Code Napoleon, was officially put forth. 1871; Journalist Henry M. Stanley began his trek to find the missionary and explorer David Livingstone.

1960; Police fired on demonstrators in Sharpeville, South Africa, after which the African National Congress was banned. 25 years later, a march marking the anniversary was also disrupted by police fire. 1963; Alcatraz Prison in San Francisco Bay, a harsh maximum security jail which once housed gangster Al Capone, closed.

Picture Of The Day: The "Troops In Review" picture. Can we say an antiquated custom?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Please do not wear flip-flops if your feet look like they could swoop out of the sky and snatch dinner from a lake. 2) Life is better when you can share it with a friend who's just as sick and twisted as you. 3) Next week's clairvoyants meeting has been canceled due to unforeseen events. 4) The seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.  5) My friend's goal this year was to learn Spanish. I asked him how long he's been at it and he said, "dos weekos"......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 21st: Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of self worth and satisfaction. Do be careful of squirrels though, as they have been known to want to nest in your hair. Disregard this warning if you are bald.

Birthdays: Johann Sebastion Bach, German composer and organist 1685, Jean Baptiste Joseph Fourier, mathematician and physicist 1768, Benito Juarez, statesman 1806, Modest Mussorgsky, composer 1839, Florenz Ziegfeld, theatrical producer 1869, Phyllis McGinley, poet 1905, Matthew Broderick, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A rather vain woman was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist. She noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 30-odd years ago. She thought, "Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?"

Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been her classmate. After he examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended Northmont High School. He gleamed with pride, "Why yes. Yes, I did."

The woman smiled coyly and asked, "When did you graduate?" He answered, "In 1985. Why do you ask?" She said, "You were in my class." He looked at her closely. Then, he asked, "What did you teach?"

Some friends of Murray, a 90-year-old gentleman, decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door.

Upon opening it. she said "Hi, I am your birthday present." He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" She says, "I am yours for super sex."  Murray thinks for a second and replies, "I'll take the soup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the sermon, the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection. A little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Smelling of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window, handed it to the bartender and said, "I'd like to apply for the job."

He continued, "I was an F-4 pilot, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom, all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in, as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy-hour, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

The seedy fighter-jockey staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. He said, ''It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You'" After a long drink from the beer, leaving it empty, he added, "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", then he excused himself and headed for the bathroom.

When he came out of the bathroom, the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" The old fighter pilot replied, "Know it? Hell, I wrote it!"

That's it for today, my little tootsie rolls. Remember, it may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, March 18, 2016

Have You Ever Had One Of Those Days?

Despite my best efforts, some days, things just go wrong. It happens to the best of us. Everything you touch seems to break or get screwed up. On these days, I try to pee with no hands, just in case.

My latest brilliant move was to drop the power steering cap into the bowels of the engine compartment. I had deliberately set the oil cap out of harm's way (me) and was replacing the power steering cap back on when it slipped from my hand.

After checking underneath the car to see if the cap had dropped straight through to the ground, I concluded that it was somewhere in the motor compartment. After feeling around, I located the cap but I could not get it out.

Fortunately, after making a few calls, my go-to car guy found a replacement cap and I replaced it on the power steering unit. The old cap still dwells somewhere in the motor compartment.

Folks, I play several musical instruments and have never been a klutz, but there are days when I should have remained in bed..... 

The News As I See It: Donald Trump won every Republican state primary last Tuesday night except for Ohio, which went to John Kasich. Marco Rubio pulled out of the race after losing the Florida primary to Trump by almost 20 points. Rubio told supporters, "We should have seen this coming" If it makes you feel any better, Marco, we did.

Seven-Eleven will hold its second annual "Bring Your Own Cup Day" where it will give customers a discounted Slurpee as long as they bring in any container resembling a cup. In a related story, Home Depot has sold out of trash cans.

This Date In History: 1584; Russian czar Ivan IV, or Ivan "The Terrible," died at age 53. 1766; After months of American protests, Britain repealed the Stamp Act. 1925; The most violent single tornado in U.S. history, the “Tri-State Tornado,” hit Missouri, Indiana, and Illinois, killing 689 people and injuring 13,000 others.

1963; The Supreme Court held in Gideon v. Wainwright that public defenders must be provided for indigent defendants in felony cases. 1965; Soviet cosmonaut Aleksei Leonov made the first spacewalk. 1967; The oil tanker Torrey Canyon was wrecked off the Cornish coast of England, spilling 919,000 barrels of oil into the sea.

1990; The biggest art theft in U.S. history occurs at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston. The works, including pieces by Vermeer and Rembrandt, were never recovered. 2004; A small asteroid made the closest approach to Earth ever recorded, only about 26,500 miles away. 2005; After a long legal battle, Terry Schiavo's feeding tube was removed. She died 13 days later.

Picture Of The Day: No comment

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not saying that the girl I met last Friday was slow, but she thought Gazpacho was Pinocchio's father. 2) There is no child so bad that he or she can't be used as an income tax deduction. 3) I was once pulled over for drinking while driving. I accused them of "profiling", but I was wrong. As it turned out, they were stopping every car driving down that particular sidewalk. 4) After seeing enough episodes of "Cops", I know that you should avoid people with blurry faces.  5) If I had known the difference between antidote and anecdote, my friend Timmy would still be alive today. He got bitten by a rattlesnake and I read him humorous stories from Reader's Digest.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 18th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. The story of the tortoise and the hare will make you rethink things the coming week. Don't worry, the tortoise still wins because the hare doesn't read fairy tales.

Birthdays: Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th President of the United States 1837, Rudolf Diesel, engineer and inventor 1858, Neville Chamberlain, statesman 1869, George Plimpton, writer, editor, actor 1927, John Updike, writer 1932 F.W. de Klerk, political leader 1936, Bonnie Blair, speed skater 1964, Queen Latifah, musician, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"

The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the 'F' word."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say the 'F' word?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" The young man replied, "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks'" The pastor asked. "What happened?"

The young man said, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

The pastor said, "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church." The young man said, "Yeah, I know. We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Head Gardner at the White House has been fired. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service to many US Presidents.

In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential Residence, Mr. Whitey, an elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

Mr Whitney said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' The next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!" 

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up.

When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny rabbit that was on the bed and placed it over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well, I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

That's it for today, my little sweet potatoes. Remember, being a member of a minority does not make you noble or victimized. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !