Friday, March 24, 2017

Intellectual Breakthrough: Sneakers That Order Pizza

Scene: Executives at Pizza Hut are in a think tank to deal with sagging sales. VP John says, "How about two for one sales." VP Mark replies, "Been done." VP Tyrone says, "How about basketball sneakers with a button on the shoe to order pizza?" Whaaa...???

Okay, maybe it didn't go down exactly like that but that's the gist of what happened. Moreover, it's a ruse; it's not true. Yeah, the ad is real, the shoes are real, but the average person will never see the product. It's just a publicity stunt and a stupid one, at that.

In an interview with Ad Age, Pizza Hut VP of advertising, David Daniels, said the company will only be giving away 64 pairs of their new Pie Tops and very few of those will find their way to the general public. Sorry, Basketball Jones......

Most people wouldn't be caught dead in those crappy shoes, but for those who like basketball, it may seem like a good idea. I don't like basketball and I don't buy $200 sneakers.

On the other hand, I'd be interested in a button on my cellphone for ordering a scotch on the rocks. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Disney World has agreed to pay $3.8 million to workers who were making less than minimum wage and had to pay for their own costumes. That works out to around $238 per person, which is almost enough to buy a bottle of water at Disney World.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly still considering a run for mayor of New York City. Weirdly, this time she IS campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin. Fool me once, right?

In Monroe, Washington, there’s a mystery to be solved. Someone made a very unique donation to the Goodwill store up there — a cooler containing five large bags of marijuana, weighing a total of 60 ounces. Almost four pounds, like $20,000 worth of pot, was left in. They assume it was left in there by mistake. What are the odds a pot smoker would forget he stashed weed in a cooler?

This Date In History: 1603; Queen Elizabeth I died at age 69 after ruling England for more than 40 years. 1882; Robert Koch announced the discovery of the tuberculosis bacillus. 1949; Laurence Olivier's Hamlet became the first British film to win an Oscar.

1958; Rock 'n' roll star Elvis Presley joined the U.S. army for two years. 1989; In one of worst oil spills in recent history, the tanker, Exxon Valdez, ran aground and released 240,000 barrels of oil into Prince William Sound.

1999; NATO begins launching air strikes in an attempt to force Serbia to cease hostilities against ethnic Albanians in Kosovo. 2002; Halle Berry became the first black actress to win a best actress Oscar and Denzel Washington became the second black actor to get the best actor award.

2004; The notorious Bird family's more than half-century stronghold on the nation of Antigua and Barbuda came to an end when Baldwin Spencer won the post of prime minister in the general election.

Picture Of The Day: Pizza Boy.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My body keeps saying, "Go to sleep" and my brain keeps saying, "I wonder what country has the largest population of goats?" 2) Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it's day off. 3) I don't want to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at Publix and she always checks me out. 4) The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan and Yemen. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway. 5) When I ask my girlfriend if she wants sex, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist or something.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 24th: Congratulations may be in order this week. Much of your body weight tends to be distributed in a specific place - but that may start shifting today. "Saucy" should not be used as a synonym for sweaty.

The crystal ball which I sometimes use for divining fortunes for those like yourself was knocked off the table by my cats and is smashed. I can see bits of your future and they look bloody. But, I can't tell whether it's your blood. Actually, it might not be blood at all, but a red sock. I'm not sure. Get back to me tomorrow.

Birthdays: Georgius Agricola. father of mineralogy 1494, William Morris, designer 1834, John Wesley Powell, geologist and ethnologist 1834, Harry Houdini, American magician and writer 1874, Edward Weston, photographer 1886, Thomas Dewey, politician 1902, Steve McQueen, actor 1930 , Peyton Manning, football player 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.

The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "That's fine with me."

Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

The Director said, "Well, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

The visitor said, "Oh, I understand. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

The Director said, "No, a normal person would just pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A police officer in Pennsylvania was interviewing an old man who was a witness to a murder. The cop asked, "Did you see what happened?" The old man said, "No but I heard it and I know who did it"

The cop, a bit dubious, said, "What did you hear?" The old man said, "Clip-clop, clip-clop, Bang!, clip-clop, clip-clop." The cop said, "And from that you know what happened?" The old timer said, "Yep, it was an Amish drive-by."

A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement. The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."

Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."

That's it for today, my little pizza pies. Remember, today's humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself or my cats. Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes: if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, March 17, 2017

Happy St. Patrick's Day 2017

May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand. (traditional Gaelic blessing)

You're in the middle of a project around the house. You're dirty, hot and sweaty. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, the shorts with the hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you do one of the following:

In Your 20's: You stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In Your 30's: You stop what you're doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In Your 40's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a sweatshirt that's long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she's spicy.

In Your 50's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait Shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In Your 60's; You stop what you're doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.

In Your 70's: You stop what you're doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In Your 80's: You stop what you're doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you're looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In Your 90's and beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

The News As I See It: Rachel Maddow’s much-hyped release of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns was considered by many to be a letdown. No one’s been this disappointed by Rachel Maddow since the guy who took her to the prom. The only result of what happened is Rachel Maddow topped Rosie O’Donnell as Donald Trump’s least-favorite lesbian.

Everyone was talking about the big snowstorm that hit New York. In fact, some are said thy experienced a whiteout. Things will even out on St. Patrick’s Day when we'll all experience a blackout.

The blizzard also hit Washington, D.C. You know it’s cold outside when the Washington Monument actually shrinks about 40 feet.

Last weekend, off the coast of Florida, a Carnival Cruise ship almost hit two jet skiers. Today, the captain of the ship apologized and said, "I’ll get them next time."

This Date In History: 1762; The first St. Patrick's Day parade was held in New York City. 1776; British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War. 1870; Wellesley Female Seminary (later Wellesley College) received its charter from the Massachusetts legislature.

1942; Gen. Douglas MacArthur became supreme commander of Allied forces in the southwest Pacific theater during World War II. 1963; Mount Agung on Bali erupted, killing 1,184 people. 1969; Golda Meir was sworn in as prime minister of Israel.

Picture Of The Day: Happy St. Patrick's Day

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I spent most of my lifetime earnings on women and booze and squandered the rest. 2) If at first you don't succeed, then try playing second base. 3) I've started slipping an occasional "meow" into everyday conversations with people to see if they're really listening meow to me. 4) I find it amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always fits perfectly in the newspaper.  5) Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television. It’s a new show called "Cuba’s Got Talent, but America’s Got Food, Water, Shelter, and Cash.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 17th: Deja vu is the feeling that someone's patronised you before (often by telling you what deja vu means). Purple clouds are not usual, nor is red rain. You really must stop pretending that the pictures your niece draws are real.

Birthdays: Tames Bridger, mountain man 1804, Kate Greenaway, illustrator and watercolorist 1846, Gloria Swanson, actress 1899, Bayard Rustin, civil rights activist 1912, Nat "King" Cole, singer 1919, Rudolf Nureyev, ballet dancer 1938.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Irishmen were stopped by the police for jaywalking. The sergeant said, "Name?" The first man replied, "O’Connor." The sergeant asked, "Address?" O'Connor answers, "No fixed abode" The sergeant, looking at the other, says, "Name?"  The other man replies, "O’Brien, and I live in the flat above him."

After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said to her husband, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The husband thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. The first man says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger says, "That's incredible. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.

Furious he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" The artist said, "And there you have it. I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those f*cking Indians!'"

That's it for today, my little leprechauns. Cheers…and may ye be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows yer dead. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, March 10, 2017

Congress: Quit Debating And Just Give Us The Same Health Care Plan That You Have

I can't begin to tell you how incredulous it is to me that some of these moronic politicians, both democrat and republican, get elected, much less re-elected. Their current project is health care. The answer is to give us the same plan that they have.

We know that they vote for their own pay raises and decide what their health care should cover. It seems to me that if they care about America, they would do the same for us.

While you're pondering that thought and waiting for hell to freeze over, morons like Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Chuck Schumer, former SNL dufus Al Franken and American Indian descendant Elizabeth "Pocohontas" Warren continue to say things that even ex-convicts would hesitate to say.

While there are many republicans who fit right in with the above mentioned bird brains, the liberal press gives more time to democrats, thus giving the dumb republicans time to hide. Mick Mulvaney and Rob Woodall come to mind.

One of the more fortunate things is that Harry Reid, who has taken more money under the table than most politicians, is out of office. Even better, some of the birdbrains like republican Strom Thurman, have mercifully died.

Nevertheless, the plan is to repeal Obamacare and come up with a better plan for America. I hope they succeed.

The News As I See It: On Wednesday, there was a protest across the country known as "A Day Without Women." In fairness, I celebrated "A Day Without Women" all through my late teens and early 20s.

Wisconsin is hosting the U.S. Cheese Championship. Once again, the winner is expected to be "Heart Disease."

The accountants at Price Waterhouse Coopers who botched the Oscars have received death threats. The FBI tried to investigate, but the accountants handed them the wrong hate mail.

Taco Bell has announced that it is creating a hybrid of its Quesalupas and Doritos Locos Tacos, called the Doritos Quesalupa Crunch. Of course, if you can say that, you’re probably not drunk enough to eat it.

This Date In History: 1629; Charles I of England dissolves Parliament and rules alone for 11 years. 1785; Thomas Jefferson is appointed minister to France. 1848; Congress ratified the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican War. 1864; U. S. Grant became commander of the Union armies during the Civil War.

1876; The first telephone call ("Mr. Watson, come here. I want you.") was made by Alexander Graham Bell. 1948; The body of Jan Masaryk, Czechoslovakia's anti-Communist foreign minister was found. Officially a suicide, the real cause of death has never been proven. 1969; James Earl Ray was sentenced in Memphis, Tennessee, to 99 years in prison for the murder of Martin Luther King, Jr., in April 1968.

Picture Of The Day: Maxine Waters

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My parents never asked me to run away from home, but then there were so many unexplained one way tickets. 2) I typed 12 beers into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself. 3) The difference between Congress and a federal prison is that one is filled with liars, thieves, tax evaders and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. 4) Note to all of my lovely female friends: I become more attractive when you put on your wine glasses. 5) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 10th: You may start to question evolution today and upon doing so you'll hopefully encounter a reason for your deserving the Darwin award. You can't hide from the rest of the day, so I suggest you burst headlong into it without waiting for anyone to catch up.

Take your time over getting where you're going today. You're only going to have shitty things happen when you get there.

Birthdays: Pablo de Sarasate, violin virtuoso 1844, Lillian Wald, social worker 1867, Clare Boothe Luce, playwright and diplomat 1903, Sharon Stone, actress 1958, Shannon Miller, gymnast 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. The woman said, "Not bad. I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."

God said, "They don't like that in heaven." The woman replied. "They weren't too happy about it in Sears, either!"

In a recent survey, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Chicago residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. The old man responds, "I'm 85 years old."

The madam says, "85 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

Murray and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Murray paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Murray looked down at his feet, then apologized for his emotional outburst, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Murray stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack right at this very hole." His buddy said, "Oh my God! That must have been very difficult for you!"

Murray replied, "Difficult? It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Edna, hit the ball, drag Edna....."

That's it for today, my little tinker toys. Remember, statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, March 3, 2017

"Watching" The Radio

Yep, back in the day, we "watched" the radio. Why? Because 90 percent of the population didn't own a TV and half the people weren't even aware of its existence. So we listened to shows like The Jack Benny Show, Dragnet, Amos and Andy and more.

Before television, the radio was the popular means of getting the news, listening to music and most importantly, listening to your favorite radio show. On Saturday nights, my parents would turn on the radio around 7:00 p.m. and we would listened to the various shows. I use the term "listen" but, in fact, we literally watched the radio as the show progressed.

The radio was a piece of fine furniture and was positioned in the living room much in the same way as today's television sets are positioned. Our radio was an RCA Victor and the top lifted up to use the turntable to play records. All of our records were 78's and rarely had more than two songs on one side. Woe be unto the child who dropped a record because in those days, the record would shatter and break.

The Jack Benny Show was the number one show of the day, but there were many more memorable shows on the radio. Other great shows included: My Little Margie, The Green Hornet, the FBI and the inimitable sounds of Inner Sanctum.

My favorite show was the Lone Ranger which thankfully came on at seven o'clock. I wasn't always able to listen to all the shows because bedtime was nine o'clock. Many a night after being tucked into bed by my mom, I would sneak out of bed, lie down next to the bedroom door and listen to the radio shows. I also woke up on the floor many times as well as I fell asleep listening to the radio.

Radio days of the past are just a memory now, but one would use one's imagination and literally visualize the shows and the characters. Although today's technology offers an abundance of innovative ideas and products, the art of imagination, alas, has fallen by the wayside for most people. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Papa John’s is testing a new system that lets customers pay $3 to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car.

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test.

This Date In History: 1845; Florida became the 27th state in the United States. 1875; Georges Bizet's opera Carmen debuted in Paris, to cool audience reception and panned by critics. 1879; Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood became the first woman lawyer to be admitted to appear before the Supreme Court of the United States.

1918; Germany, Austria, and Russia signed the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk. 1931; The "Star-Spangled Banner" was adopted as the national anthem. 1991; Rodney King's vicious beating by Los Angeles police officers was caught on videotape.

2000; Former dictator Augusto Pinochet returned to Chile after being detained in Britain on torture charges. 2003; New embassies opened in Kenya and Tanzania, to replace those lost in the 1998 terrorist bombings.

Picture Of The Day: Saturday nights were social nights and the family gathered around the radio to listen to the programs.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere. 2) I changed the mat at my front door to read: Welcome (except for spiders). 3) When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough. 4) Facebook game requests are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet.  5) If you want to find out if the FBI or the NSA is listening to your call, sing "Sweet Caroline" and if more than one voice responds with "bum bum bum", then you'll know.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March : Fridays are for good times, so let your hair down and go for it. If you're going to the local pub, just remember, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Chances of romance are 71 percent. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Birthdays: George M. Pullman, industrialist 1831, Alexander Graham Bell, American Inventor 1847, Matthew Ridgway,  U.S. general 1895, Jean Harlow, actress 1911, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, athlete 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband forgot his wedding anniversary and had been given the silent treatment for a few days, so he decided to try to make it up to his wife and bought her a bunch of cheap flowers from the local gas station.

He got home to find his wife cleaning up in the kitchen. He put the flowers down on the counter-top next to her. The wife took a sideways glance at the half dead offering and sarcastically said,"I suppose you want me to open my legs for those." The husband turns to her and says, "You can love, but I think they'd look better in a vase....."

A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.

The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." He replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Murray and Rose are senior citizens and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Rose, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Rose says, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Murray goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Rose, do you notice anything different?" Rose says, "What's different, Murray? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Murray yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!" Rose replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

That's it for today, my little poochies. Remember, Smart Cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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