Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween

Ghosts, goblins and witches will be out tonight to celebrate Halloween and the good news is that I'm not dating any of them. It does remind me of some of the parties from Halloween past. I remember one party when someone spilled something and my mother-in-law asked me where the broom was. I said, "Why, are you leaving?"

I enjoy Halloween parties although I'm not overly moved to wear a costume. I have a lot of dark clothes and jackets and most of the time, I fashion a white collar out of cardboard and go as "Father Sullivan." I have "saved" quite a few ladies as a cleric.

The only other costume that was easy for me was during the "Urban Cowboy" days. Back in the day, all I had to do was wear a cowboy shirt and a stetson and I was ready to go.

The News As I See It: People in the east felt the devastating effects of Hurricane Sandy with 100-mile-an-hour winds and lot of folks without power. Because of the hurricane, both candidates have had to cancel speeches and campaign events. So at least some good has come out of it.

New Jersey governor Christie does a great job with the storm press conferences. It's hard to be boring in the middle of a disaster but somehow Mayor Bloomberg manages to do it. Although the sign language woman doesn't speak a word, she has a lot more personality than Mayor Bloomberg does.

I watched a lot of storm coverage over the last couple of days. I spent 36 hours watching weather reporters standing in water while telling us not to stand in water.

Republicans are accusing the White House of successfully engineering a massive cover-up of the Libyan attack. But, on the plus side, it's the first time in four years Republicans have given credit to Obama for doing anything successfully. "Don't ask, don't tell" is back. Not for gays in the military — it's Obama's new policy for questions about Libya.

The Giants swept the Tigers four straight to win the World Series. The last time a Tiger took a beating this bad, he had a nine-iron through the back window of his Escalade. I don't want to say that was a tough World Series, but Detroit has asked for another bailout.

Doctors say it's the best time to get the flu shot. This year there is the seal flu. It comes from seals to humans. If you're inflected with the seal flu, you get the chills and an uncontrollable desire to balance balls on your nose.

This Date In History: 1517; Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the Wittenberg Palace church, marking the start of the Protestant Reformation in Germany. 1846; A heavy snowfall trapped the Donner Party in the Sierra Nevada mountains.

1864; Nevada became the 36th state. 1941; Work on the Mount Rushmore monument was completed. 1956; Rear Admiral G. J. Dufek became the first person to land an airplane at the South Pole.

1984; Indian prime minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated. 1992; Pope John Paul II admitted that the Roman Catholic Church had erred in convicting Galileo of heresy 350 years earlier.

Picture Of The Day: I've seen a lot of horror movies in my time and if there is one thing I have learned, it's that you don't go near any house that remotely looks like this one. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A friend of mind who was temporarily incapacitated once said to me, "I need you to be my eyes and ears." I told him, "Ok, if you can be my liver and prostate." 2) Tequila will never be my downfall as the worm does not justify the hangover. 3) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at my Uncle's retirement home. 4) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 5) My cooking is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 31st: Remember to chew before you swallow, you know how excited you get sometimes. You may hear good news today from an older person who may or may not be intoxicated. Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelaces while staring at the person across the bar from you.

Birthdays: Jan Vermeer, painter 1632, John Keats, poet 1795, Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts of America 1860, Chiang Kai-shek, Chinese Nationalist leader 1887, Dale Evans, actress and singer 1912, Barbara Bel Geddes, actress 1922, Michael Collins, astronaut 1930, Dan Rather, television journalist, writer 1931, Michael Landon, actor 1936, John Candy, actor 1950, Jane Pauley, TV journalist 1950, Peter Jackson, director 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you." Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. He says, "Father O’Malley, my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.

Father O'Malley says, My good man, I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" The Jewish guy says, "Hey, at my age, I’m telling everybody!”

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Richard and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A drunk left the bar and staggered off in to the night on his way home. As he was passing a pumpkin patch he thought, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and since there's no one around......."

He picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his need. In the process, he failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until a female officer approached him and said, "Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The drunk froze and was clearly very surprised that she was there. Then looked her straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? it midnight already?"

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears:  Bump... Bump... Bump... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...

On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and (wait for it)....the coffin stops.

That's it for today, my little hobgoblins. Remember, don't make old people mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss them off.  AREA 51 is kinda iffy tonight with Halloween and all. Who knows? That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 29, 2012

Say What ?

"The fact that we are here today to debate raising America 's debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the US Government can not pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government's reckless fiscal policies.

Increasing America 's debt weakens us domestically and internationally. Leadership means that 'the buck stops here.' Instead, Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better."


For those of you waiting for an answer from Obama as to what actually happened in Benghazi and when he knew about it, I can assure that the answers will come after the election.

As to Obama's first answer and the answer that will come after the election, I direct your attention to the scandalous first answer when then president Clinton said, "I did not have sex with that woman.....Ms. Lewinsky" Oops! 

My hopes and prayers go out to all those folks in the path of Hurricane Sandy.

The News As I See It: Weather forecasters are now referring to Hurricane Sandy as “Frankenstorm” because it will fall on Halloween. Unfortunately, they don’t have any more info on the storm because they spent the last four days coming up with that cool name.

Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad celebrated his 55th birthday on Sunday. The United States put severe sanctions on his cake. Ahmadinejad hates his birthday, and for some reason every year when he has a birthday, it puts him in a bad mah-mood.

The movie "Cloud Atlas" recently opened. Tom Hanks is in it. In "Toy Story," he played a cowboy. In "Saving Private Ryan," he played a soldier. In "Cast Away," he played a shirtless hairy dude. If he plays a Native American, he'll have achieved something called "the Village People grand slam."

Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to star in another “Conan” movie. In this one, Conan has a son with the woman who cleans his castle.

There are rumors circulating that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are about to get engaged. You can tell they're getting serious. Last week they were seen at a jewelry store shopping for publicity. Kim is following the tradition founded by her father, O.J. Simpson attorney Robert Kardashian, of getting Blacks off.

They found 42 dead bats on Sunday. You know where they found them? In the Detroit Tigers dugout.

This Date In History: 1682; William Penn arrived in Pennsylvania. 1787; Mozart's opera Don Giovanni debuted in Prague. 1923; The Republic of Turkey was proclaimed under Mustafa Kemal Ataturk.

1929; The New York Stock Exchange crashed on Black Tuesday, precipitating the Great Depression. 1956; Israel invaded the Egyptian Sinai Peninsula during the Suez Canal crisis.

1966; The National Organization for Women was founded. 1998; John Glenn, the first American to orbit the Earth, returned to space at age 77. 2004; European leaders signed the European Union's first constitution.

Picture Of The Day: Curiosity affects kids of all ages.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politicians are like are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 2) My definition of the perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from visiting. 3) They asked me who my friend was and I said, "His name is Sanjay although you may know him as Mike from Microsoft customer service." 4) Tonight's weather forecast is: Dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning. 5) The doctor wrote on the death certificate: Patient laid down the boogie and played that funky music til he died.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 29th: The voices in your head are brought on by the alcohol. It may be time to stop drinking this week. Armchair politicians will affect your life today but you'll be able to see through most of them. Don't take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night this week.

Birthdays: James Boswell, diarist, author 1740, Jean Giraudoux, French novelist and dramatist 1882, Fanny Brice, American comedienne 1891, R. B. Kitaj, painter 1932, Richard Dreyfuss, actor 1947, Winona Ryder, actress 1971, Gabrielle Union, actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns." The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The man said, "Yes, that's the one."

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." Mike says, "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money. There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Walmart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Walmart!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My Thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

A voice said, "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" Father O'Malley said, "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

A man went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The husband picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' The husband said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

That's it for today, my little chili beans. Remember, some people say, "If you can't beat them, join them". I say, "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them and you will have the element of surprise. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 26, 2012

This, That and The Other

This, that and the other is the phrase I'm struggling with today. I know for a fact I've done "that" before because I was there. Whether or not I'll do "this" depends on the amount of alcohol I consume. I'm relatively sure I've done "the other" a few times although I'm sure a whiskey fog was involved.

As for you, I'm sure you've done "that" and I'm betting you'd enjoy doing "this". For most of you, "the other" usually remains out of your grasp due to silly things like morality and legality.

That said, what I can't quite figure out if I've done "this", "that" and "the other" at the same time. I'm guessing that I have. Mom used to say that Dad did too.....

The News As I See It: Hurricane Sandy is on track to hit New York next week on Halloween, but it will only hit the houses that are giving out apples and raisins.

Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety.

The debates are over and all that's left to do is to set up and rig the voting machines.

According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls.

In the World Series, the San Francisco Giants lead the Detroit Tigers 2-0. I predict the whole thing will be decided in Ohio.

Lindsay Lohan is endorsing Mitt Romney. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They're very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the all important shoplifter vote.

Apple unveiled their new iPad mini. It's got a 7.9-inch screen — two inches smaller than the regular iPad. Apple wanted to make it smaller in case you weren't squinting enough with the original iPad. I think that Apple is releasing products just to see if there's anything we won't buy.

Being a bit dyslexic, I tend to read information on the iPad mini as mini pad. Everytime I Google it, I get Kotex instead of Apple. 

Amelia Earhart, D.B.Cooper and Waldo walk into a bar and haven't been seen since.

This Date In History: 1774; The First Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia. 1825; The Erie Canal, connecting Lake Erie to the Hudson River, opened. 1881; Wyatt Earp, his two brothers, and Doc Holliday were involved in the gunfight at the O.K. Corral in Tombstone, Arizona.

1975; Anwar Sadat became the first Egyptian president to pay an official visit to the United States. 1979; South Korean president Park Chung Hee was killed by the head of the Korean Central Intelligence Agency.

1994; Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin of Israel and Prime Minister Abdel Salam Majali of Jordan signed a peace treaty in a ceremony attended by President Clinton.

2002; Russian government forces stormed the Moscow theater held by Chechen rebels. More than 100 hostages were killed. 2005; The Chicago White Sox sweep the Houston Astros to win their first World Series in 88 years.

Picture Of The Day: Today's picture is part of my past and I'm sure that there are many people whose thoughts will immediately bring fond memories. It's a time that requires more space than I have for today, but I'll readdress it in the coming days. The bottom line? You've either been there and done that or you've missed out on some great times.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new study finds that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. 2) Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween. 3) I went to a bar with my girlfriend Wednesday night. Locals were shouting "cradle robber!" just because my girlfriend is 30 years younger than me. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. 4) I don't know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it. 5) I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years." He said "That's a mirror.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 26th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio today. I do not think this horoscope means what you think it means. The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is - "Non semper inquisit damascus aroooof" - There's a bit of dog language mixed in there, but I haven't quite firgured out what that part means.

Birthdays: My pal Susan - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Domenico Scarlatti composer 1685, Beryl Markham aviator 1902, Francois Mitterrand political leader, president of France 1916, Bob Hoskins actor 1942, Pat Conroy writer 1945, Hillary Rodham Clinton lawyer and political figure 1947, Keith Urban singer 1967, Jon Heder actor 1977, Sasha Cohen figure skater 1984.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Bobby and Lisa for their contributions to today's stories.

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then nudges him in the ribs saying, "Hey man, I think your girlfriend has gone home."

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She asks the artist, "Do you do custom work?" The artist replies, " Of course!" The woman said, "Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, "No problem. Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. The woman complains, "That doesn't look like them!' The artist says indignantly, "Yes it does and I'll prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first person off the street he can find which happens to be the town drunk.

The woman spreads her legs and asks, 'Well, what do you think? Do you know who these men are?" The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

That's it for today, my little lotus blossoms. Remember, you can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and possible early Halloween party. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

And How Was Your Day?

Today was kind of a downer for me. Joe Theisman is still taking that scam medicine to control his frequent urges to pee, Doug still has mesothelioma and Coach Jimmy Johnson continues to take those rip-off pills so his Johnson doesn't shrink.

I had to hitch hike to the bank to make my car payment, the exterminator crawled under the house and never came out and I had to borrow from my Visa card to pay my MasterCard.

I turned on the news and they were showing emergency routes out of the city. My horn stuck on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists. I opened a piece of mail marked "urgent" from the marketing department of some credit card company and the first line was, "Yes Jimmy, even you qualify for our newest card."

Yeah, the stock market closed down and I got depressed even though I don't have any stocks. I called the emergency mental health hotline and they left me on hold.

The good news came later in the day when I got an email from a friend in Nigeria who said I am getting an inheritance from a family member who lives there. The best news was when I opened the last piece of mail and it seems that I may have already won 5 million dollars..... Life is good after all!

The News As I See It: The debates were a bit weird. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said "Obama bin Laden." It was right before he called Romney "Adolf Mittler." During the debate, Obama told Mitt Romney, "The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back." Romney tried to deliver a comeback but his beeper went off.

One of Obama's winning points was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. Believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's Obama.

In the last debate, Romney actually had a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle — making sure those voters are still alive for the election.

Halloween sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what's scarier than four more years of this economy?

Monday night was the third and final presidential debate. The good news? It was the third and final presidential debate. The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC's most successful show so far this season.

Obama and Mitt Romney held their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate was what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy. Pundits say it was close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the "I killed Osama bin Laden" T-shirt.

Sad news from Cuba. Fidel Castro is still alive. Today the Cuban government released a photo to prove it. When a government has to put out photos to prove you're alive, that means one thing — you're dying.

The CIA once tried to kill Castro with an exploding cigar. Back then the CIA got their ideas from "Road Runner" cartoons. We tried dropping an anvil on his head. Then we painted a tunnel on a cliff. He ran right through it.

The Vatican has named its first-ever Native American saint. Her miracle was opening a casino without mob involvement.

This Date In History: 1648; The treaties for the Peace of Westphalia were signed, ending the Thirty Years War, ultimately destroying the Holy Roman Empire, and ushering in the modern European state system. 1901; Anna Edson Taylor became the first person to survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

1931; The George Washington Bridge, connecting New York and New Jersey, opened to traffic. 1939; Nylon stockings were sold publicly for the first time, in Wilmington, Del. 1940; The 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.

1945; The United Nations officially came into being as its charter took effect. 1992; The Toronto Blue Jays became the first non-U.S. team to win the World Series. 2003; The last Concordes landed in London, ending supersonic air travel.

Picture Of The Day: "Oink,, I mean woof, woof!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm very good at opening childproof caps...with a hammer. I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 110? 2) The best way to avoid a cold is washing your hands and never having children. 3) I don't like morning people... or mornings... or some people. 4) When I was married, there were two extra mysterious children who lived in my house. Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and Nobody knows who. 5) You know you're old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 24th: Looking into your future, a new love will present itself this week. Don't get overly excited, they come with baggage just like the rest of us.

Birthdays: Antony van Leeuwenhoek zoologist 1632, Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood lawyer activist 1830, Moss Hart dramatist 1904 Denise Levertov poet 1923, George Crumb composer 1929, F. Murray Abraham actor 1939, Kevin Kline actor 1947, Kweisi Mfume politician 1948, Wayne Rooney soccer player 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping in the fruit and vegetable section of the grocery store and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also. She then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady, who was a bit hard of hearing, said, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Life is set up all wrong. It should be the opposite of how we live now. Let's die first and get it out of the way. Then, we live in an old age home. We finally get kicked out because we're too young. So, we get a gold watch and go to work. We work forty years until we're young enough to enjoy retirement.

Now, we do drugs, drink alcohol, party and get ready for high school. We go to grade school, become kids, play and have no responsibilities. Then, we become a little babies and go back into the womb. We spend the last nine months floating and finish off as an orgasm.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

Mr. Johnson's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The little boy said, "Grandpa."

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned." Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

That's it for today, my little pepper mintz. Remember, a man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows. Today's a fine day to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 22, 2012

To Be Or Not To Be - What Was The Question?

Have you ever wondered how some idiots are elected to public office? If you have, try this experiment. Ask anyone the names of the contestants on "American Idol", "Dancing With The Stars", "Jersey Shore" or any other of mind numbing shows, if they know the names of the participants. Then ask the same people if they know the three branches of government, to name five of the thirteen original colonies or name the capitals of ten states.

The reason most idiots get elected to any public office is that the majority of the electorate are uninformed and quite frankly, not very intelligent. Yet these same people are the ones who know each and every name of the current contestants of the aforementioned television shows (my apologies to the people who know the answers to both the government and television show questions. You are the only ones actually qualified to make decisions about who runs our government.) 

There was a recent poll where people on the street were asked "Who won the debate between Michele Obama and Ann Romney." The answers varied as to who won. One man said, "I didn't get to see all of it, but of the portion I saw, I think Michele won." Each person interviewed went on to give his or her reason for their choice. The only minor problem was that there was no debate between Michele Obama and Ann Romney.

In a similar poll, people were asked if they thought it was fair that the candidates were not allowed to use a teleprompter during the presidential and vice presidential debates. The answers varied as to if it was fair or unfair. Once again, the minor problem with the answers was that it was a debate....not a speech.

So here's what they're selling:

The Fort Hood massacre is considered by the current administration as a workplace shooting - not terrorism. An act of terrorism label would mean the shootings happened in a combat zone, making those killed or injured eligible for a Purple Heart medal, and medical benefits similar to what soldiers injured overseas would receive. Those wounded or disabled oldiers who are now out of the Army due to medical reasons receive severance pay of about half of what it could be.

After more than two weeks of denial, the attacks in Benghazi is now considered a terrorist attack. Everyone else in the world knew it was an al-Qaeda terrorist attack except Barack and Joe. We’re seeing now why the Obama campaign drove the movie meme after Benghazi, rather than acknowledge the deadly attack for what it was.

Obama had built up a message that he has all but defeated al Qaeda. It was a catchy line — "Osama bin Laden is dead and al Qaeda is on the run." But the Benghazi attack provided strong evidence that al Qaeda is only on the run forward — on offense — in Libya, a country whose dictator Obama helped oust, without providing any sort of leadership for what came next.

"Osama bin Laden is dead and al-Qaeda is on the run" Oops! Scratch that last part from the campaign speech......

The News As I See It: It's amazing how everyone is a political genius one month every four years.

You can sense the election getting very close. Both candidates are now working very hard to shore up their support among women. In fact, they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies.

The European Farmer's Union has announced that because of cold temperatures and drought, grapes aren't growing well and as a result this will be their worst wine harvest in 50 years. Which means people are going to have to drink old wine, and who wants that, right?

This Date In History: 1797; Andre-Jacques Garnerin made the first parachute jump from a balloon. 1836; Sam Houston was inaugurated as the first president of the Republic of Texas.

1954; West Germany joined the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). 1962; President Kennedy announced an air and naval blockade of Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet missile bases on the island.

1973; Spanish cellist, conductor, and composer Pablo Casals died in Puerto Rico, at age 96. 1979; Muhammad Reza Shah Pahlevi, the deposed Shah of Iran, was allowed in the United States for medical treatment. This action led to the Iran hostage crisis.

Picture Of The Day: Too Cute !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies. 2) I wish there was a rollover plan for the childhood naps I refused to take. 3) Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off. 4) I asked an attractive Asian girl if she knew what an erection was. She said, "Yeah, that's when you vote." 5) I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 22nd: Buying a T-Shirt proclaiming your bald patch is a solar panel for a sex machine is not a good idea. The future holds much joy and happiness for someone close to you, but not you...not yet. Don't despair, your day is coming and you'll love it.

Birthdays: Franz Liszt, Hungarian composer and pianist 1811, Collis Potter Huntington, railroad builder 1821, Sarah Bernhardt, actress 1844, John Reed, journalist and radical 1887, Doris Lessing, novelist 1919, Christopher Lloyd, actor 1938, Annette Funicello, actress 1942, Catherine Deneuve, actor 1943, Jeff Goldblum, actor 1952, Amanda Coetzer, tennis player 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On his way home from work, Murray stopped at a pharmacy to purchase a thermometer. When advised by the pharmacist that they were out of oral thermometers, Murray hesitantly purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Since Murray had never used a rectal thermometer, he asked the pharmacist about the procedure.

The pharmacist said, "When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature, follow the instructions and you'll be fine."

With great reservation, Murray did as instructed, then carefully inserted the thermometer wincing as it slowly went in. After the waiting period, Murray slowly removed the thermometer and read the temperature, which turned out to be normal.

As he sat in his chair, trying to calm down and relax, he noticed that on the literature, in small print, there was a statement that read: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Murray leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes and said aloud, "I'm sure glad that I don't work as a tester in quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

An old man, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

The nun asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. He said, "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining."

The doctor continued, "High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have lettuce stuck in my ass!" The doctor replies, "Good grief! I'd better take a look."

The doctor tells the man to undress and then examines him. After the examination, the man asks the doctor, "Is it bad?" The doctor replies, "It's worse than than I thought and the bad thing is that it's just the tip of the iceberg"  

That's it for today, my little rancheros. Remember, it takes 250,001 Americans to screw in a light bulb. 1 to do it..and 250,000 to debate if it was politically correct. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !