Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The Adventures Of Samantha And Scooter Continue

When we last left the dynamic duo, Samantha was warming up to the impertinent Scooter, including some play between the two. That is, until yesterday, when Scooter decided to try to play with Samantha as she was trying to do her business in the litter box.

There was Sam, in the "go" position, concentrating on her mission and there was Scooter, who decided to get into the box with her. Sam tried ignoring the little imp, but his constant persistence left her somewhat perplexed.

I sympathized with Samantha as I have had a delivery man knock on my door while I was on the throne and the question arises, "Do I try to stop or do I continue on my mission."

So there sat Sam, face contorted and well on her way to complete the mission and right behind her (I mean RIGHT behind her) sat Scooter, seemingly puzzled by the situation.

Exasperated, Sam looked over at me me with a confused look which seemed to say, "I really don't know whether to shit or go blind."

Sam successfully completed her mission and with a snide glance at Scooter, gracefully exited the litter box.

The News As I See It: Democrats said the committee investigating Hillary Clinton’s involvement with Benghazi was a "witch hunt." Hillary tried to respond, but a house fell on her.

In Britain, 90-year-old Queen Elizabeth told reporters, "I’m still alive." It was in response to the question, "What’s the first thing you tell Prince Charles every day?"

Tourists visiting New York City are being warned about "fake monks" on the street who wear orange robes and demand money. Here's a quick tip - if they stab you.....fake monk.

For the first time ever, the Miss America Pageant is going to have a gay contestant, Miss Missouri. It will also have its first bi contestant, Miss North and South Dakota.

On stage, in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it."

This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare's Henry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts.

1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.

1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.

Picture Of The Day: No rhyme, no reason, I just liked this picture.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leaped willingly to his death. 2) To those people who don't have a name for their newborn: What the hell were you doing for the past nine months? 3) I find it strange how, after they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together, the King's men thought, "Let's give the horses a shot at it." 4) Girls love guys with tattoos because it means the guys are willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives. 5) I apologize for picking up your pug and running him in for a touchdown.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 29th: The legend of the baked beans may trouble you today as last night's meal tries to catch up with this week. Today is not the day to guess whether it's gas or you need to go the the bathroom. It will become apparent today that you are becoming your father as you ask your small child to pull your finger.

Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, actor, cowboy 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silently passed gas - what do you think I should do?" He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Being the romantic sort, a woman sent her husband a text, which read:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you xx."

Her husband replied, "I'm taking a shit. What should I do?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: I was in West Palm Beach the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two tires, slapped on an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

A Union shop foreman walks into a bar and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama's presidency when he sees a guy close by wearing a "Romney for President" button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the union official. The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union thug once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?" The bartender responds, "Nope, he owns the place."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, women do not know that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car? I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Monday, June 27, 2016

Clinton-Warren Democratic Ticket ?

Elizabeth Pocahontas Warren campaigned in Ohio today for Crooked Hillary Clinton, fueling speculation that she may be Hillary's V.P. Amusingly, the two women weren't socially savvy enough to check what colors each would wear, both appearing in shades of blue.

Nevertheless, it's a possibility and if you think things were bad under golfing Barry Obama, wait until Crooked Hillary Clinton takes office, especially if Pocahonas is her V.P. All we need to complete the trifecta is Oprah Winfrey as Secretary of State, Ya gotta keep a little soul in office or the natives will get restless.

The News As I See It: Obama is apparently interested in owning an NBA team after he leaves office. You'll know it's Obama's team when they travel too much and never pass anything.

Bernie Sanders still hasn't officially dropped out of the race for president, but last week, he gave a speech with the theme "Where do we go from here?" I think he was basically asking the crowd for directions back to Vermont.

The UK officially voted to leave the European Union. It caused the British pound to hit a 31-year low. You could tell Brits were struggling today. Queen Elizabeth was wearing one of those cardboard crowns from Burger King.

This Date In History: 1844; Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints founder Joseph Smith was murdered by a mob in Carthage, Ill. 1898; Joshua Slocum became the first person to successfully circumnavigate the earth alone when he landed his sloop Spray in Newport, R.I., a 46,000-mile trip.

1922; The Newbery Medal for children’s literature was first awarded. 1950; President Harry S. Truman ordered the Air Force and Navy into the Korean War. 1954; The world's first atomic power station opened at Obninsk, near Moscow.

1969; Police and gays clashed at the Stonewall Inn in New York City, fostering the gay rights movement. 1985; The legendary Route 66, running from Chicago to Santa Monica, Calif., was decertified, the victim of the Interstate Highway System.

2003; The national do-not-call registry, formed to combat unwanted telemarketing calls and administered by the Federal Trade Commission, enrolled almost three-quarters of a million phone numbers on its first day.

Picture Of The Day: While I have no problem with a female president, I'd surely like to see better choices. Quite frankly, Joy Bejar or Rosie O'Donnell would be just as efficient.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) "This isn't my first rodeo" - (Guy at his second rodeo). 2) Some kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield. At first I thought I hit a unicorn until I realized I wasn't in San Francisco. 3) Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them. 4) My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family, so I started dating her sister. 5) I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 27th: Love hides in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the strangest places you've ever imagined. On the other hand, it could be hidden in a pantry, bound and gagged. There are some strange things that go on in pantries. I know, I've been there.

Birthdays: Charles Stewart Parnell, statesman 1846, Frank Rattray Lillie, zoologist and educator 1870, Helen Keller, American author and lecturer, blind and deaf from the age of two 1880, Bob Keeshan, Captain Kangaroo 1927, H. Ross Perot, business executive 1930, Vera Wang, fashion designer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

A black guy and Murphy go into a pastry shop. The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice. The black guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!"

Murphy says to the black guy, "Watch this, any Paddy is smarter than you and I'll prove it to you." He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too. The baker is really mad now and he yells, “O.K! where is your famous magic trick?" Murphy says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "Sir, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."

The drunk muttered. "Well, I'll be damned" and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. He said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk replied, "Oh, I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has it."

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. Kaboom! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. Ka-Blooey! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. Bulls-Eye!

The coach said to himself. "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother. He says into the phone, "Mom, I just won the Super Bowl!"

The old woman says, "I don't want to talk to you. You are not my son!" The young man pleads, "I don't think you understand, Mother, I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

His mother retorts, "No! Let me tell you! At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says... "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !

That's it for today, my little rugrats. Remember, money may not buy you happiness, but poverty won’t buy you shit.

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Friday, June 24, 2016

The Main Reason For Brexit Was To Stop Immigration

Brexit, the name used to describe Great Britain leaving the European Union, was approved by voters. Why? Under the EU, there are no borders. People can enter Great Britain and overload the system, take jobs and commit crimes. The people said enough!

Rules and laws set down by the EU come out of Brussels, Belgium. On a net basis, Britain paid one of the highest amounts into the EU budget last year, second only to Germany.

So what are the benefits of Britain's being in the EU? As far as I can ascertain, nothing! Moreover, it would regain it's border sovereignty, not be overrun by hordes of middle eastern refugees and not be dictated to by Brussels.

Look for Denmark, Norway, Sweden and the Netherlands to consider following Britain's lead in the coming months and the eventual downfall of the European Union. 

The News As I See It: It’s been reported that after leaving office, Obama is considering owning an NBA team. They say Obama wants to be an NBA owner because it’s his only chance to get someone on the court.

While he was back at the Capitol Bernie Sanders accidentally went to the Republican lunchroom. Bernie knew he wasn't in the Democrats' lunchroom when he couldn't get a free lunch.

Bernie admitted that he "doesn’t appear" to be the nominee. Just to make sure, Bernie said he’ll stay in the race for two more years.

Nearly one million adults in the U.S. are in a same-sex marriage. That’s compared to the nearly 40 million adults in a no-sex marriage.

Donald Trump has been stepping up his attacks on Hillary Clinton. He just launched a new website called I tried to go there and every time I got a blank page. I told him not to hire the guys who set up the Obamacare website. He didn't listen.

This Date In History: 1509; Henry VIII was crowned king of England. 1647; Early American feminist Margaret Brent demanded a seat and vote in the Maryland Assembly, but was ejected from that body. 1675; King Philip's War, the most devastating war between the colonists and Indians, began with Indians attacking the Swansea (Mass.) settlement.

1908; The 22nd and 24th president of the United States, Grover Cleveland, died in Princeton, N.J. 1947; Kenneth Arnold, an American pilot, reported seeing strange objects near Mt. Rainier, Washington. He described them as "saucers skipping across the water," hence the term "flying saucers" was born.

1948; The Soviet Union began a blockade of Berlin. Allied forces responded with what would be known as the Berlin Airlift flying in more than 2 million tons of supplies over the next year. 1997; The U.S. Air Force released The Roswell Report, closing the case on the 1947 Roswell, N.M. incident concerning UFOs and alien bodies.

2011; New York passes a law to allow same-sex marriage, becoming the largest state that allows gay and lesbian couples to marry. 2012; Lonesome George, the last known Pinta Island Tortoise, died at a Galapagos National Park, making the subspecies extinct.

Picture Of The Day: There are parts of England where English is the second language. The cause is out-of-control mass immigration of people from the middle east. Brexit will stop this.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A good indication of the intelligence of celebrities can be measured by the names they give their children. In an interview, one particular couple mentioned their children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle." 2) I was helping my nephew study for his geology exam, and apparently "hard, classic and punk" aren't the 3 different types of rock. Who knew? 3) Keep your friend's toast, but keep your enemy's toaster. 4) I'm not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leaped willingly to his death.  5) I have said it before and I will say it again. If anyone is into wife swapping, I will take a dirt bike or a puppy.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 24th: Dank, inhospitable service station toilets may turn out to be your best friend today. It's all one big crap chute anyway.

Birthdays: Sir John Ross, arctic explorer 1777, Henry Ward Beecher, clergyman 1813, Ambrose Bierce, satirist 1842, Jack Dempsey, world champion boxer 1895, John Ciardi, poet 1916, Anita Desai, writer 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There was a papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.

One day, Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mama mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

Murray goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" Murray replies, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" Murray then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" Murray says, "Yes!" The Rabbi says, "Take the poison."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" The bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours."

He continued, "It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. The coroner said, "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Vern replied, "Yes, sir, that's correct." The coroner said, "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Vern asked, "Was it a Titleist 3?" The coroner replied, "Yes, it was." Vern said,  "That was my mulligan."

That's it for today, my little lamb chops. Remember, don't make exceptions for ignorant people. An asshole with a flower in it is not a vase. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Dumb and Dumber

U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch said that love and compassion are the best responses to terrorism during remarks to the media in Orlando, Florida on Tuesday. Say what? Seems like the apple doesn't fall far from the Obama tree.

The best response to Islamic terrorism is total war, a term terrorists declared years ago and is their goal - the eradication of anyone who does not subscribe to Sharia Law.

Obama has obviously looked after the nation of Islam refusing to even declare who the terrorist are. Loretta Lynch seems to have been spoon fed and accepted this mantra.

Love and compassion for these animals left my lexicon when the Twin Towers were taken down in 2001.

The News As I See It: It’s their first NBA title and the first championship for Cleveland in 52 years. And now a lot of sports writers are saying that Cleveland will no longer be synonymous with losing. Then the Cleveland Browns said, "No, we’re still here."

Even though Bernie Sanders has no chance of winning the nomination, taxpayers are still paying for him to have Secret Service. It’s not that expensive though, it’s just one guy that goes out late at night to buy Fig Newtons.

Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a son last weekend. Unfortunately, due to his young age, he’s a Sanders supporter.

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created. 1874; Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy.

1943; W.E.B. DuBois became the first black member of the National Institute of Letters. 1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights.

1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died. 2011; Legendary Boston crime boss, James "Whitey" Bulger is found and arrested by federal authorities in Santa Monica, California.

Picture Of The Day: The same thing - another sheep dipped in Obama theory. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They’re considering a new 10-cent fee on grocery bags in New York. Who's laughing at the eight-thousand bags under my sink now? 2) It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big." 3) Perhaps I should have said, "Congratulations on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom". 4) There's a new website that helps you write elaborate works of personalized fiction. It's called  5) The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 22nd: Warning: The life you lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Discretion is advised. Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of satisfaction.

Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author 1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author 1906, Joseph Papp,  stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass, fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson, composer 1936, Meryl Streep, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says. "Congratulations!"

Looking at the cowboy, the clerk asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy replies, "Naw, thanks. I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

Speaking in a cheery voice, she says,"Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" She replies, "That was my husband, telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it.

He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh." Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus.

Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life you horrible bitch."

A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door. Then, they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her....."

Sonny's mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." The startled father said, But, why?" The wife said, "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

Sonny said, "Well. I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door. Then, they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with Uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

That's it for today, my little jellybeans. Remember, men never get what women mean by "I’m fine" unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Monday, June 20, 2016

Breakfast Malfunction?

I woke up this morning at 8 am and could smell something was wrong. I went downstairs and found my girlfriend passed out drunk on the kitchen floor. For a moment I panicked until I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

I'm kidding, of course! She had deflated and passed out on the couch. Besides, McDonald's serves breakfast all day long.

The News As I See It: The FDA says it found "serious health violations" at some Whole Foods stores and actually sent Whole Foods a warning letter. In response, Whole Foods shredded the letter, mixed it with some kale, and is now selling it for $18 a pound.

Kim Kardashian appears nude on the current cover of "GQ," with the headline "Kim as you've never seen her." Which I can only assume means in a library?

Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings.

This Date In History: 1756; British soldiers were thrown into the cell known as the "Black Hole of Calcutta." 1782; The Great Seal of the United States was adopted. 1819; The 320-ton Savannah became the first steamship to cross the Atlantic. 1837; Queen Victoria ascended the British throne.

1863; West Virginia became the 35th state in the United States. 1893; Lizzie Borden, accused of murdering her parents, was found innocent by a jury in New Bedford, Mass. 1967; Muhammad Ali was convicted of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.

Picture Of The Day: The company who will soon employ robots to replace $15 per hour hamburger flippers.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I sleep better naked. Why doesn’t the flight attendant understand this? 2) I get out of awkward party conversations by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial. 3) Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got into their house. 4) Thanks to all the Facebook moms for posting their ultrasound photos of the new babies. Here's one of an MRI of my knee. 5) A six year old boy was recently kicked out of school and suspended for kissing a girl's hand. I glad all these laws are being passed now. When I was six years old, I was not a licensed physician, so I would have been doing hard time by the fourth grade.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 20th: Be grateful that you have a good network of friends and family. Even if you lose a few friends, you still have your family....,well, except maybe Uncle Frank.

Screaming "Death to the Infidel!" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers will leave you with bruises in special places.

Birthdays: Jacques Offenbach, composer 1819, Lloyd Augustus Hall, chemist 1894, Audie Murphy, war veteran, actor 1924, Olympia Dukakis, actress 1931, José Alexandre “Xanana” Gusmão, revolutionary leader 1946, Robert Rodriguez, filmmaker 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man mowed his lawn and after doing so, he sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. His wife walked by and asked him what he was doing and he said "nothing."

The reason he said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have said, "about what?" At that point, he would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally, he thought about an age old question. Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, he have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for his conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

Down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck.

Another hunter asked, "Where's Harry?" Harry's Partner answered, "He fainted a couple miles up the trail." The other hunter asked, "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

Harry's partner replied, "It was a tough decision, but I figured no one is going to steal Harry."

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00."

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on."

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana." The dejected cowboy walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff."

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas."

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" The Indian replies, "By the wool on your zipper."

That's it for today, my little emus. Remember, some people are like 5-year-olds. They shake heads in agreement, but you know by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

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