Saturday, July 30, 2016

Now Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Infomercials

Well, both political convention infomercials are over and all the weird delegates and their stupid outfits have gone home to obscurity. It was a bit scary seeing all the weirdos who supposedly represent us. Moe, Larry and Curly could have done a better job.

Nevertheless, this part is over and now Hillary and Trump will go back to name calling until November. Both candidates' Vice President picks are jokes, so I don't put much stock in their bringing in more votes.

In the interim, ISIS continues to run amok in Europe, Men in Blue have to duck sniper shots and the asshole protests continue.

Hillary will carry on the Obama theme that everything is great and Trump will point out what she chooses to omit. I'll be happy when this crap is over because it disgusts me. 

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention and there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, "Now where’s my check?"

After Hillary spoke, instead of the balloon drop, Bill Clinton should have climbed to the top of the rafters and released all the old condoms he had.

Bill Clinton spoke to the Democratic Convention and his first sentence was, "In the spring of 1971, I met a girl." You can imagine the relief in the room when they realized he was talking about Hillary.

Bernie Sanders supporters staged a walkout. Witnesses say they’ll never forget the sound of 6,000 pairs of Crocs leaving the convention.

This Date In History: 1890; Artist Vincent van Gogh died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Auvers, France. 1958; President Eisenhower signed the congressional act that created the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was authorized by Congress.

1968; In Humanae Vitae (of Human Life), Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Catholic Church's prohibition on artificial methods of birth control. 1981; Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, married Lady Diana Spencer.

2003; Red sox switch hitter Bill Mueller became the first baseball player to hit grand slam home runs from both sides of the plate in the same game.

Picture Of The Day: The Trump and Pence families.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between a Trump supporter and a Hillary supporter is that Trump supporters sign their checks on the front and Hillary supporters sign them on the back. 2) Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein. 3) Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40. 4) About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." 5) Saying it's McDonald's fault because your kids are fat is like saying it's Hooter's fault because your husband likes big tits.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 29th: Today's date is an omen but I wouldn't fret about it. Go out and have a good time. Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes and you will learn a lot today.

Birthdays: Alexis de Tocqueville, writer 1805, Booth Tarkington, author 1869, Benito Mussolini, dictator 1883, Dag Hammarskjold, Swedish statesman, secretary-general of the United Nations (1953–61) 1905, Nancy Landon Kassebaum, senator 1932, Elizabeth Hanford Dole, public official 1936 Peter Jennings, news anchor 1938, Ken Burns, documentary filmmaker 1953.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell says, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!" Miss Annabell continues, "They call them homosexuals." The girls, astounded and fanning themselves, reply, "Oh my! Oh my."

Miss Annabell says, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls ask, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell says, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell sighs, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The girls giggle as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster.

The girls ask, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago."

The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison." The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole." One of the other golfers said, "Oh my God, that must have been horrible!"

Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."

The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, always keep several "get well" cards on your mantel. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Debbie Does Philadelphia

I skip watching the conventions live and listen to the television summations, mostly because it's like watching a bad infomercial. Moreover, I can avoid the morons and listen to the better speakers. One can be sure that it's all smoke and mirrors.

Since all politicians are liars, the entire production has no real substance. That said, I was able to avoid listening to the likes of Nancy Pelosi and other morons. Additionally, WikiLeaks spared me the torture of seeing and listening to Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

There are some democrats and republicans that I avoid, but last night's "Love Story" speech by Bill Clinton amused me as he gushed over how he met Hillary and professed his love for her. Of course, he neglected to mention his numerous affairs with other women

Tonight's speeches should be fun, with Obama giving the final speech. I have no desire to listen to his speech but again, I was amused today, when he said that Donald Trump had no foreign policy knowledge or experience. I assume that Obie forgot that he was an unknown community organizer who went on to the presidency, where he, too, had no foreign policy knowledge or experience.

Two final thoughts today. First, the IRS announced today that they are investigating the Clinton Foundation for fraud and other charges, Secondly (and the most fun), Joe Biden will also speak tonight and I'll be waiting for one of his usual foot-in-mouth gaffes. Joe is becoming charming in his own peculiar way.

The News As I See It: Obama appeared on Face the Nation last Sunday and said of Hillary Clinton, "She's not always flashy and there are better speech makers, but she knows her stuff." Man, I’d hate to see Obama set somebody up on a blind date... "She’s got one wonky eye and she talks too much, but you don’t wanna die alone, do you?"

Bernie Sanders spoke at the Democratic National Convention. Sanders' speech was interrupted by dozens of applause breaks and three pee breaks.

Hillary Clinton’s main task this week was to divert attention from leaked DNC emails and other negative press. Hillary’s going to begin her speech with the rousing first line, "Hey, Look, There’s a Pokémon!"

This Date In History: 1861; Union general George B. McClellan was put in command of the Army of the Potomac during the Civil War. 1940; Billboard magazine published its first singles record chart (for the week of July 20). 1953; An armistice was signed ending the Korean War.

1974; The House Judiciary Committee voted to impeach Richard Nixon for obstructing justice in the Watergate case. 1995; The Korean War Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, DC.

1996; A pipe bomb exploded in an Atlanta park during the Olympic Games. 2003; Lance Armstrong won his fifth straight Tour de France, tying Miguel Indurain's record. 2012; The 2012 Summer Olympics began in London.

Picture Of The Day: Scooter is growing.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway. 2) You can tell by a woman's feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you. 3) Thanks, spell check, that's exactly what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie. 4) The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.  5) Sorry about the auto-correct typos lately. I just got a Facebook invitation to my brother's non-alcoholic Mormon wedding. I don't know which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 27th: Loving care is something that people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is a good hard drink. A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you wonder whether you're as committed as you ought to be.

Birthdays: Alexandre Dumas, French dramatist and novelist 1824, Leo Durocher, baseball player 1905, Norman Lear, television producer 1922, Bharati Mukherjee, writer 1940, Peggy Fleming, ice skater 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.

Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

The man says, "Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." The teller said, "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

The man says, "There's no damn problem. I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!"The manager says, "I see, sir, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Earl and Bubba, two good old boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl smiles, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, Bubba. Women like that are hard to find."

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nothing wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is now get out there and fix it."

So, Pa goes out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "There ain't nothing wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says, "You have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nothing wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies "Hurts, don't it?!"

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Monday, July 25, 2016

It Was Just A Matter Of Time

Debbie Wasserman Schultz was finally exposed. Not by the liberal, ass kissing media, but by WikiLeaks. I doubted her credibility the first time I ever heard her. Her arrogance and fact spinning ways remind me of the now disgraced Anthony Weiner.

Wasserman Schultz was forced out as chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee on the eve of the party's convention. Wasserman Schultz's stewardship of the DNC has been under fire through most of the presidential primary process, but her removal from the convention stage comes following the release of nearly 20,000 WikiLeak emails.

One email appears to show DNC staffers asking how they can reference Sanders' faith to weaken him in the eyes of Southern voters. Another seems to depict an attorney advising the committee on how to defend Clinton against an accusation by the Sanders campaign of not living up to a joint fundraising agreement.

Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid wanted her out even before the leaked DNC emails scandal broke and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wouldn't lift a finger to try and save her House colleague, sources say. When you are turned on by such notable, lying assholes like Reid and Pelosi, you're really an outcast.

Lo and behold, Bernie Sanders (and Donald Trump) was right about the DNC being rigged

The News As I See It: Following the outrage that Ted Cruz did not endorse Trump, Cruz’s wife, Heidi, was escorted from the convention by security as people yelled, "Goldman Sachs!” Careful, Republicans — if you say that three times, Hillary will appear.

The chief creative officer for Chipotle is facing charges for buying cocaine seven times since January. His co-workers could tell he had a cocaine problem, because not even people at Chipotle need to go to the bathroom that much.

A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure.

This Date In History: 1946; The United States tested the first underwater atomic bomb at Bikini Atoll. 1952; Puerto Rico became a commonwealth of the United States. 1956; The Italian liner Andrea Doria sank after colliding with the Swedish ship Stockholm off the New England coast, killing 51 people.

1978; The world's first test-tube baby, Louise Joy Brown, was born in Lancashire, England. 1984; Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to walk in space. 2000; The supersonic airliner Concorde crashed after takeoff outside Paris.

Picture Of The Day: There's always that one.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) !klat kcab ruoy dna uoy nmaD 2) Outside of the killings and robberies, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. 3) I went to Sears the other day to buy some camouflage fishing pants, but I couldn't find any. 4) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual."  5) It is said that one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my dad or my mom or maybe my younger brother Kirt or my baby brother Tong-Lee, but I'm pretty sure it's Kirt.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 25th: The weather looks good for a fine day assuming that you always keep an umbrella with you. Don't laugh, it worked for Mary Poppins. If you're going to happy hour, stay away from the bean dip. Chance of romance is 56.18 percent.

Birthdays: Henry Knox, officer 1750, Thomas Eakins, American painter, photographer and sculptor 1844, Arthur Balfour, statesman 1848, Walter Payton, football player 1954, Matt LeBlanc, actor 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. Whack!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" He blubbers, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not fornicate or commit adultery!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look over there to your fields. You see a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep and I won't say anything about the white child."

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.

Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

The preacher says, "Amazing! Look what God and you have accomplished together!" The farmer replies, "Yes, reverend, but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

That's it for today, my little bumble bees. Remember, an optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.

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More on Wednesday.

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Wednesday, July 20, 2016

What Politician Hasn't Plagiarized?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal them from many is research. If we were to dump every politician who has ever plagiarized something, we'd have no president or congress. Obama and everyone else has been caught plagiarizing.

Moreover, there aren't many ways to comment on something, thus most of us are guilty of the same thing. That is, of course, except for myself. I have been utilizing my mind only for well over four score and seven years ago.

As I prepare my journal each week, I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally, I actually come up with one myself. But to quote T.S. Eliot, from The Sacred Wood, "Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal."

So there you have it my little copykatz, it seems we're all capable of this minor peccadillo. So, let your conscience be your guide   (Drat!)

The News As I See It: Hillary campaigned in Las Vegas this week, which is strange, because when she usually gambles, it involves national security.

The New York Times says that Hillary has a 76 percent chance of winning the election. Hillary says she's excited by the news and can’t wait to find a new way to blow it.

After the Bush family announced that they will not attend this week's Republican National Convention, Newt Gingrich this morning told interviewers that he believes the Bushes are behaving childishly. When reached for comment, Jeb hid behind his mom's leg.

A new poll has Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump virtually tied, with Clinton leading Trump 46 percent to 45 percent. It's the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman his own age.

Bernie Sanders is scheduled speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Leave it to Bernie to grab the early bird special.

This Date In History: 1810; Colombia declared independence from Spain. 1881; Fugitive Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull surrendered to federal troops. 1951; King Abdullah I of Jordan was assassinated.

1960; Sirima Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka (then Ceylon) became the world's first woman prime minister. 1969; Astronaut Neil A. Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon.

1985; Treasure hunters found the Spanish galleon Nuestra Senora de Atocha, which sank off the coast of Key West, Florida, in 1622; during a hurricane. The ship contained over $400 million in coins and silver ingots.

Picture Of The Day: In my day, we copied from the encyclopedia.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a tattoo on her ass is now an endangered species. 2) Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies, of course. 3) Sex Education should require people to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours,and watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again. 4) Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.  5) I like to make shopping lists, leave them laying on the kitchen counter and guess what's on the list while at the store. It's a fun game.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 20th: Stick to you diet this week. It will pay off in the long run. By the way, if you happen to hear the Pink Panther song playing when you sneak down the hall for a midnight snack, you're breaking the diet.

Birthdays: Petrarch, poet and humanist 1304, Sir Edmund Hillary, New Zealand mountain climber and explorer 1919, Elliot Lee Richardson, government official 1920, Cormac McCarthy, novelist 1933, Natalie Wood, actress 1938, Carlos Santana, musician 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

Two old men were sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she's dead!"

The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she is dead?" The second old man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you? Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight." Sean says, "That little shit, O'Conner? He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."

Paddy says,"That he did. A shovel is what he had and a terrible licking he gave me with it." Sean says, "You should have defended yourself! Didn't you have something in your hand?"

Paddy says, ''That I did. It was Mrs. O'Conner's right breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

An old lawyer, laying on his deathbed, called to his wife and asked her to bring the Bible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea and brought the Bible to her husband.

The lawyer took the Bible from her and began scanning the pages. Curious, knowing her husband wasn't a religious person, she asked, "What are you searching for, dear?" The lawyer replied, "Loopholes."

That's it for today, my little kittens. Remember, Twitter is cool because it makes you look like your texting your friends instead of talking to yourself. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. 

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, July 18, 2016

Blocking Traffic May Be Dangerous For Violent Protestors

There's a time to be nice and understanding, then there's a time to take out the garbage. With threats from ISIS and now the blatant murder of police officers, the time is coming when people will shoot first and ask questions later.

If you want to protest, do so peacefully, without blocking traffic and endangering others. If not, I believe the time will come where the benefit of the doubt will fall by the wayside.

Blocking traffic may put a persons life in danger of being accidentally run over. Moreover, traffic disruption may cause someone who is being rushed to the hospital to die.

The general public, for the most part, simply want to go to work and complete their daily obligations. To expose the public to the few idiots that want to cause trouble is disgusting.

The message to the trouble makers should be that if they continue, their days are numbered, There are more peaceful people who own guns than troublemakers and the fed up public may be wont to turn their backs on a thug who was accidentally shot and killed

The News As I See It: We are a few weeks away from the start of the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. The mayor of Rio is trying to get Pokémon Go in the city ahead of the Summer Games. So now you can go to Rio and catch two things.

Members of Congress have left Washington for a seven-week vacation. Even the Kardashians are asking, "From what?"

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently rejected an offer from Donald Trump to be his running mate. When Trump's people asked why she rejected the offer, she said, "For the last time, I'm Whoopi Goldberg."

This Date In History: 64; A great fire began that ultimately destroyed most of Rome. The emperor Nero blamed it on Christians and began the first Roman persecution of them. 1925; The first volume of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf was published. 1936; The Spanish Civil War began.

1947; President Harry S. Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act. 1976; 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci earned the first perfect score, a ten, at the Olympics and went on to score six more tens and win three gold medals. 1999; New York Yankee David Cone pitched the 16th perfect game in baseball history.

Picture Of The Day: Some old person with bad eyesight might accidentally run these nice people over. Of course, it would be considered malice if they stopped their car and backed over him again.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died. May he RIP in peace. 2) I pray that I have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. 3) I saw a stick figure family on a truck with more than 5 stick figure kids. I taped a complementary stick condom on their rear window. 4) My girlfriend doesn't need body guards. Those maxi pads promise her 10 hours of protection, each. 5) Today's lesson for the under 35 group: Rapunzel (This may take years, but you'll learn).....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 18th: A romantic excursion to an luxury hotel and casino may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Tepees are also a saucy place to hide out and making love but it's really not the same ambiance and the room service is not as good. If you insist on gambling at the roulette table, play $5 on number 38.

Birthdays: My father, James Sullivan Sr, in heaven. Robert Hooke, physicist, mathematician, and inventor 1635, William Thackeray, novelist 1811, Jessamyn West, novelist 1902, S. I. Hayakawa, scholar, former U.S. Senator 1906, John Glenn, astronaut 1921, Dick Button, figure skater 1929, Yevgeny Yevtushenko, poet 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes over to his brother's house, all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" The guy says, "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law,"

His brother asks, "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" The guy replied, "She wouldn't lie still!"

A man went to the doctor feeling poorly. After examining the man, the doctor said, "I can't find a cause for your illness. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." The patient replied, "In that case, I'll come back when you're sober."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" The other man responded, "I don't know, I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss and asked. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"  The boss answered, "Intelligence." The worker said, "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" His friend said, "He said we are down here because of intelligence." The friend asked, "What's intelligence?" The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no legs. Three women, from England, Scotland and Ireland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Scottish woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, Ave ya ever been fooked lad?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "no". The Irish woman said, "Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in."

That's it for today, my little sweet potatoes. Remember, There is no "we" in bacon. I'm gonna slide  over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !