Monday, July 28, 2014
Friday night at Sabores turned out great. There were a lot laughs, many good singers and more importantly, my favorite ladies were out in all their glory. It was also Sidney Garton's 87th birthday and Sid and I go back around 35 years. Sid (above left) is a great singer as is the lovely Luly (above right).
I established my AREA 51 outpost in the rear of the bar and was fortunate to have many of the beautiful ladies sitting nearby. It was a night of fun and great to see Ileana, Sandra, Ernie and my ageless high school pal, Randy and his lady, Linda.
The night was electric and it was also great to listen to my friend Carol singing a number of her favorites songs. Some of the people who attended I had only met on Facebook and it was great to see Michelle, who along with Sandra, decided to make a "Jimmy sandwich". This, evidently, inspired my friends to take delight at my situation and was followed by a number of cellphone pictures.
The look on my face has no reflection on the beautiful women with me. The look does, however, reflect the pain in my right knee, which I managed to injure about a week ago. One would think that by now, I would have mastered the art of walking from my living room to the kitchen, but one would be wrong. Of course, the girls had no idea that I had an injured knee.
Crazy seems to go with AREA 51 and we all laughed the whole evening. As more drinks are consumed, the pictures get a bit more uninhibited as reflected in the picture of Sandra and Ileana "kicking back" below as Luly and I (background) read the bible.
I love to party, especially when I know a lot of the people that are there. Walter and Anne were there also celebrating his birthday. Probably one of the greatest things to watch is when the girls group up to sing. They all put their hearts into it and let it all hang out.
It's always nice to see Carol and Roland, along with Mel who were holding down the corner table. Carol's a great songstress and it's a pleasure to occasionally sing duets with her.
All in all, it was a fun night at my AREA 51 outpost and my great friends and I closed the bar sometime after 2 a.m. There were no hits, no runs, no errors and one man left on base. The one man successfully navigated to home base.
The News As I See It: Instead of sending troops down to the border, we just do what you do when you run out of candy on Halloween. Let's turn off the lights and pretend America's not home.
Secretary of State John Kerry traveled to Egypt and had to pass through a metal detector before he could meet with officials. That is ridiculous. Everyone knows he's made of wood.
This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England's chief minister, Thomas Cromwell, was executed and Henry married his fifth wife, Catherine Howard. 1750; The great baroque composer Johann Sebastian Bach died.
1794; Robespierre, one of the leading figures of the French Revolution, was sent to the guillotine. 1821; Peru declared its independence from Spain. 1868; The 14th Amendment to the Constitution, which established the citizenship of African Americans and guaranteed due process of law, was ratified.
1914; Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia, precipitating the start of World War I. 1932; Herbert Hoover ordered Douglas MacArthur to evict the Bonus Marchers from their camps. 2002; Nine Pennsylvania coal miners were rescued after 77 hours of being trapped in a mine shaft.
Picture Of The Day: My pal high school pal Randy and the beautiful Linda dancing to the music of DJ Jeff.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I bought some $200 sunglasses and lost them in 15 minutes. I bought some Walmart sunglasses and I've had them for 238 years. 2) Some mornings I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep. 3) (Police): "Where were you between 5 and 6?" (Me): "Kindergarten." 4) I had a prostate exam recently and I have a question. Is it normal for the doctor to dim the lights and put on a Johnny Mathis album? 5) One of my blonde girlfriends thinks that an erection is when Japanese people vote.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 28th: The future will find you in good spirits. In the midst of these good spirits you may meet someone that you are immediately fond of. Due to this, your good spirits will wax and wane over the coming weeks. Dontcha just hate it when your spirits wax and wane?
Birthdays: My friends Paula and Ryan - Happy Birthday 19XX, Beatrix Potter, author 1866, Marcel Duchamp, painter 1887, Jacqueline Onassis, First Lady (1961-1963) 1928, Bill Bradley, professional basketball player 1943.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and placed his hand on her thigh. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." The woman yelled, "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" The drunk muttered, "You sound like her too!"
Two elderly folks, Murray and Rose, lived in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.
He called in Rose and said, "Rose, you know Murray has already suffered two heart attacks." Rose said, "I don't care. I love him and I want to get married."
The doctor called in Murray and said, "Look, Murray, I know you want to get married, but I must tell you that Rose has acute angina." Murray said, "I know. She's got great tits too!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. The buyer said, "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog." The owner answered, "Well, he's not bad, but I have something better in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. The buyer said, "Ah, this must be the dog you were referring to earlier." The owner replied, "Well, no, I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you."
The buyer was flabbergasted and exclaimed, "You're joking!" This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!" The owner said, "I know, I know, but you see, he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, '"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent. The rabbi pondered over the conversation for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi leaned over to the priest and said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
That's it for today, my little sunflowers. Remember, relationships are made in heaven but, then again, so are thunder and lightning.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Friday, July 25, 2014
I'm going to Sabores Restaurant tonight for happy hour and Karaoke. The site used to be Holleman's Restaurant and I go back many years there. On any given Friday or Saturday night, there was a one hour wait for the dinning room, especially if it was during horse racing season and Hialeah Parks was open.
I have a history in the dining room because, back in the day, it was customary to smoke a bit before dinner and then the obligatory martini or two while waiting for a table.
Once seated, everyone usually ordered more drinks (Dewars scotch) and dinner (Blackened Red Snapper), followed by their famous key lime pie and of course, coffee and a liqueur (Strega or Zambuca).
That particular evening I got in trouble with my wife for flirting with the waitress (Peggy) and subsequentl banned (by Peggy) for two weeks for unscrewing the overhead light bulb which was tormenting me.
The (you'll pardon the expression) "unscrewing" caused the stained glass fixture to short out, which was the main reason for my two week exile.
Afterwards, everyone went to the bar and although I cannot write every incident that occured (warrants still outstanding), it was the night where we were pulled over by Miami Springs police and the van we rode in looked like a Cheech and Chong movie when we got out.
It was the same night when my pal Ron shoved a drunken woman who tried to hit him into my pal Jim's lap and Jim just watched as she momentarily teetered and then fell to the floor. She was later escorted out by management and asked not to return.
Yep, I have a history there but it wasn't just me. There were a lot more players, but that's another story......
The News As I See It: The government announced today that they will soon start deporting seniors instead of illegals to save money on Social Services, Social Security and Obamacare. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I felt pretty bad for most of my readers, then I remembered. See you on the bus!
Obama was giving an interview recently and said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, Obama said, "Because he'd make me look amazing." In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door.
Americans who couldn't get into the World Cup no matter how hard they tried have to stop feeling guilty about it. It doesn't mean that we're not sophisticated. All it proves is that unemployed people will watch anything. It's a giant bore involving two boring subjects: nationalism and soccer. On the bright side, it has reminded the German people how good it feels to be whipped into a nationalistic frenzy and what could go wrong with that?
This Date In History: 1946; The United States tested the first underwater atomic bomb at Bikini Atoll. 1952; Puerto Rico became a commonwealth of the United States. 1956; The Italian liner Andrea Doria sank after colliding with the Swedish ship Stockholm off the New England coast, killing 51 people.
1978; The world's first test-tube baby, Louise Joy Brown, was born in Lancashire, England. 1984; Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to walk in space. 2000; The supersonic airliner Concorde crashed after takeoff outside Paris.
Picture Of The Day: If you asked me the definition of peace and sernity, I would simply show you this picture. The only way it get better is if my pals Jack and Woody were fishing with me.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend asked me that if he was going to make a parachute jump, how high should he be? I told him three days of steady drinking should do it. 2) Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage. 3) A woman knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children's Home, so I gave her my kids. She brought them back the next day and gave me $100. 4) I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts. 5) I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex's body. Just kidding.....I like the show. Besides, she's buried in the woods.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 25th: Drinking alcohol to excess may well turn today into the worst tomorrow. Just in case, make sure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic.
Birthdays: Henry Knox, officer 1750, Arthur Balfour, statesman 1848, Thomas Eakins, American painter, photographer and sculptor 1844, Walter Payton, football player 1954, Matt LeBlanc, actor 1967.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At New York's Kennedy airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, a police spokesperson said he believed the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Barry Soetero-Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?"
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jeanne for her contribution to today's stories.
Two good ole boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"
The other replied, "He had a farm." The first asked, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."
In a recent survey, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Chicago residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her husband. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on.
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line... It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3 and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."
That's it for today, my little songbirds. Remember, if you're a senior citizen and thinking of getting another vehicle, buy a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage, but you can park anywhere. I'm going to the AREA 51 section of Sabores Restaurant for happy hour and karaoke.
Have a wonderful weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
I'm going to Sabores Restaurant this Friday to hang out with my friends. I have also been invited to a wild, sexy costume party next week. I'm going as President Abraham Lincoln because my last four scores were seven years ago.
Yep, it's been a party month so far and I even hung out last night at Woody's Tavern for trivia night with Debbie, Yolanda, Rosemarie, Walter, Anne and other Miami Springs friends. We didn't win but we had fun. I'll probably try it again in the future.
As for Friday night at Sabores, I enjoy going there to see my friends and occasionally sing a song. There are always good looking ladies there and the single life allows me to enjoy the evening. Being married before now allows me to enjoy the single life without regret. Just think, without marriage, I would have gone through life thinking I had no faults at all.
The News As I See It: A judge wrote an opinion yesterday in favor of Obamacare, saying that getting healthcare from the state or federal government is the same as ordering from Pizza Hut vs. Domino's. I don't I agree. Pizza Hut and Domino's websites always work.
Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants.
There's a lot of speculation about the new iPhone. It's expected to have a larger screen and a better operating system. It will be called last year's Samsung Galaxy.
Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married.
Huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. It's rumored that the white flags were possibly stolen from France. This morning, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.
This Date In History: 1829; William Burt patented a forerunner of the typewriter. 1885; Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died at Mount McGregor, New York, at age 63. 1914; Austria and Hungary issued an ultimatum to Serbia after the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, precipitating World War I.
1945; Vichy government leader Marshal Henri Petain went on trial for treason. 1952; Revolution erupted in Egypt as the military took power in a bloodless coup. The following year the monarchy was abolished and, for the first time since the pharaohs, Egypt was again ruled by Egyptians.
1995; The Hale-Bopp comet was discovered by Alan Hale and Thomas Bopp. 1997; Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic was sworn in as president of the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.
Picture Of The Day: The patio area at Sabores Restaurant.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My parents never asked me to run away from home, but then there were so many unexplained one way tickets. 2) I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself. 3) My friend told me that she went to the doctor this morning and she has mono. In this day and age, I think she should have surround sound. 4) Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy. 5) Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - 7/23: There's a relatively good chance that you will stumble across an opportunity this week and the advantages will be extroardinary. By the same token, don't take stumbling for granted. You remember what happened the last time you got up in the middle of the night and stepped on the cat's tail.
Birthdays: Jane Long, early settler in Texas 1798, Raymond Chandler, author 1888, Haile Selassie, emperor of Ethiopia (1930–74) 1892, Anthony McLeod Kennedy, associate justice 1936.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."
Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday and asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?"
The old woman said, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard and I don't smoke or drink." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The old woman replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up.
When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.
In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back. The woman says, "Oh my, I am so sorry" and popped her eye back in place. The woman then said, "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to a nightclub for drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The man is amazed! Everything has been so incredible!
The man says, "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" The woman replied, "No..you just happened to catch my eye."
That's it for today, my little chili peppers. Remember, the advantages of mother's milk are that it's a perfect formula for the child and it comes in cute containers. The weekly trip to AREA 51 is iffy as I was out late last night. Then again, one never knows, do one?
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Monday, July 21, 2014
As a writer-humorist, Mondays are either feast or famine. Some weekends produce startling news but with very little humor. By the same token, the reverse is also true. Today, I searched around my cluttered mind trying to hit on a subject that interested me and hopefully, would touch my readers, as well.
My thoughts turned to legendary country singer Hank Williams, who once wrote: "Today I passed you on the street and my heart fell at your feet. I can't help it if I'm still in love with you." Many believe the lyrics came from his heart and were directed at his wife Audrey.
The song, "I Can't Help It", became a hit and Hank went on to become one of the most recorded singer-songwriters in history.
Born September 17, 1923, Hank Williams was regarded as one of the most significant and influential country music musicians of all time, Williams recorded 35 singles (five released posthumously) that would place in the Top 10 of the Billboard Country Western Best Sellers chart, including 11 that ranked number one.
Several years of back pain, alcoholism and prescription drug abuse severely deteriorated Williams' health. He and wife Audrey divorced and he was dismissed by the Grand Ole Opry, citing unreliability and frequent drunkenness.
|Hank Williams with his son Hank Jr.|
Despite his short life, Williams has had a major influence on twentieth-century popular music, majorly country music in general. The songs he wrote and recorded have been covered by numerous artists, and have been hits in various genres including pop, gospel, and blues. He has been inducted into multiple music halls of fame.
I began singing Hank Williams songs in the early '50s. My interest in music was something I was born with and all of my family are musically inclined. Together with Brother Kirt, this musical desire continued as we continually were drawn to the newest songs and more specifically, the Everly Brothers.
I was too young to completely understand Hank's life when he died, but memories of listening to him on the radio will be a pleasant memory forever.
On a sad note: Actor James Garner and Broadway star Elaine Stritch died over the weekend.
James Garner, who starred in the TV Western "Maverick" and films such as "The Rockford Files" and his Oscar-nominated "Murphy's Romance," was 86 years old.
I grew up watching "Maverick", but I think my fondest memory was when he costarred with Sally Field in Murphy's Romance. Rest in peace, Mr. Garner.
Elaine Stritch, was an actress and singer whose brassy, whiskey-soaked voice, acerbic wit and hard-won understanding of human frailty made her an indomitable show-business force on stage and screen.
Star of Broadway hits including "Elaine Stritch at Liberty" and "Show Boat, she was nominated for multiple Tony and Emmy Awards, winning three of the latter. She was 89. Rest in peace, Ms. Stritch.
The News As I See It: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor last week. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, "Hey, my record slurs for itself."
According to a new report, 81 percent of people would cheat on their partner if there were no consequences. 19 percent of people were pretty sure this was a test.
The FCC wants to update the Emergency Alert System so that Obama can interrupt any TV program. I can see it now: "We interrupt this program to tell America that Obama had a bowl of matzo ball soup for lunch. This concludes today's presidential update."
There's currently a petition to split California into several states. Among the new states would be Botoxia, Pornsylvania and of course, the Commonwealth of Kardashiania.
Congressman Raul Labrador said that impeaching Obama is a good idea, but it will never pass. No one wants President Joe Biden. That's when Biden realized why Obama picked him as a running mate
This Date In History: 1861; Confederate forces won victory at Bull Run in the first major battle of the Civil War. 1873; The first train robbery west of the Mississippi was pulled off by Jesse James and his gang.
1925; In the "Monkey Trial," John T. Scopes was found guilty of violating Tennessee state law by teaching evolution. 1949; The U.S. Senate ratified the North Atlantic Treaty.
1970; The Aswan High Dam was opened in Egypt. 1998; Astronaut Alan Shepard died. 2002; WorldCom filed for bankruptcy, the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history.
Picture Of The Day: Hank Williams wrote or co-wrote such hits as "Your Cheating Heart", "Jambalya", I'm so Lonesome I Could Cry", Cold Cold Heart", "Hey Good Looking", "I saw The Light", "Kaw-Liga", "Take These Chains From My Heart" and so many, many more.
His biggest hit was probably "Lovesick Blues" which he sang on The Grand Ole Opry to a standing ovation and subsequently seven encores, a record that has never been broken.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My name is Jimmy but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue. 2) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been robbed and beaten yet. 3) The older I get, the less I trust farts. 4) My buddy told me that that his wife was driving him to drink. He's lucky, my ex-wife made me walk. 5) I'm still looking forward to the day I can illegally download groceries.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 21st: Destiny awaits you and is waiting with open arms to welcome you into the clubhouse of love. Everything will go perfectly and nothing is going to spoil it, until later on this month when there will be a terrible thunderstorm.
Birthdays: Jean Picard, astronomer 1620, Ernest Hemingway, American novelist and short-story writer 1899, Isaac Stern, violinist 1920, John Gardner, writer 1933, Janet Reno, U.S. Attorney General 1938, Kenneth Starr, independent counsel 1946, Garry Trudeau, political cartoonist 1948, Robin Williams, comedian 1951.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet.
The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane."
The old man said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Looks like you're doing well. Only two left."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young boy of five was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate that he would be gone for awhile to have surgery.
On the day he was admitted, his mother asked the doctor if he could also circumcise him while he was asleep. The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.
After about a week, he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are!"
Third grade teacher Miss Crabtree said to little Sammy, "You're late again, Sammy, for the third time this month." Little Sammy said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Daddy sleeps naked."
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
Sammy said, "Miss Crabtree, we have a coyote that's been coming to our ranch. The past few nights it killed and ate three hens and it also killed Mom's best milk goat!"
Little Sammy went on, "Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and told Mom that th\he coyote was back and he was going to get him! He told all us kids to stay back!"
Sammy continued, "There he was, naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants and no shirt! He crawled right up to the chicken coop and stuck that double barrel right through the window."
Little Sammy said, "As he stared into the dark coop with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, snuck up behind Daddy. Then, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in the crack of Daddy's ass and we've been cleaning chickens since three o'clock this morning!"
That's it for today, my little bean sprouts. Remember, making fun of someone's age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you're standing a little further down the tracks.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !