Friday, November 25, 2016

Turkey Day Survivors

I love Thanksgiving turkey but I don't like cooking it. But In my case, the smoke alarm was due for a test any way. As it was, my turkey dinner was nostalgic in that it was the first breast I've touched in three months. But, I digress.....

This year reminded me of the more grandiose Thanksgivings of yore. In-laws and outlaws, grandmas and grandpas, cousin, kids and then that one person that no one seems to know who probably just looked at all the parked cars and came in.

Hugs and kisses, poses and pictures, bringing the family gossip to date, Meanwhile, Old Aunt Cora, who, after three Bloody Marys, looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'"

Finally, the meal is served. I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage and everyone begins eating. Eventually, the conversation becomes reduced to politics and football, with the latter becoming dominant as the games begin on television.

Cheering and drinking, cheering and drinking...drinking... and the games are over. Kids and older adults are sleeping where they can and the end of the evening is drawing nigh.

There are those making plans for Black Friday shopping and there are those who will sleep all day Friday. I am one of the latter. Until next year, Happy Thanksgiving!

The News As I See It: Victoria’s Secret was open at 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving and will stay open all the way through Black Friday. Because if there's one thing people want to do, it's stuff their faces all day, then try on some lingerie

Many Americans deep-fried their turkeys this year. But to save myself some time, I just stuffed my turkey with a Samsung Galaxy.

Thes tock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well.

The Dow Jones industrial average topped 19,000 today for the first time. When they heard that, Americans everywhere nodded in approval as if they actually know what the Dow Jones industrial average is.

This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and Indian Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War. 1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams. 1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten."

1986; Iran-Contra scandal broke. 1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II. 1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.

Picture Of The Day: Not every turkey met its fate on Thanksgiving Day.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They found water on Mars. I wonder how long before they bottle it and sell it at Whole Foods for $19? 2) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I'd be willing to bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with Kay. 3) I wish that Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 4) Kim Kardashian is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Kim's maximum capacity is 500 members. 5) I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast and then I killed them and took their land.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 25th: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good way to start the weekend. Don't worry about the rain. It will clear up by tomorrow night. Hopefully, your skin will clear up as well. Romance and possibly money should be heading your way.

Birthdays: FĂ©lix Lope de Vega Carpio, dramatic poet 1562, Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropost 1835, Carry Moore Nation, temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII, religious leader 1881, Virgil Thomson, composer 1896, Ba Jin, modern novelist 1904, Joseph DiMaggio, professional baseball player 1914, Ricardo Montalban. actor 1920, John Larroquette. actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr. publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant, pop musician 1960, Christina Applegate, actress 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young man scolded me the other day for not paying attention to his question. I apologized and asked him if he had graduated from college. He scowled and said, "I majored in liberal arts." Then he said, "Will that be for here or to go?"

A man was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No, ma’am. They’re all dead."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man went into the job center in downtown Denver and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and said, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then you apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, rubbing in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

The old man said, "Good that where the job is?" The clerk said, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

Murray Lipschitz passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Murray would be pleased." Her friend, Rachel, said, "I'm sure you're right."

Rachel lowered her voice, leaned in close and asked "How much did this really cost?" Rose said, "All of it....thirty thousand." Rachel exclaimed, "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Rose answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly and said, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" Rose said, "Two and a half carats."

That's it for today, my little gobblers. Remember, sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, November 18, 2016

Canadian Mounties Prepare For US Liberal Flood

Trump-fearing American liberals began sneaking across the border into Canada this morning. Trump’s victory is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pay taxes and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota, said, "I found a liberal hiding in my cornfield. He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. I went out to milk the cows the other day and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn." 

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

An Alberta border patrolman said, "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions, I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump supporters. 

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

An Ottawa resident said, "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?"

The News As I See It: Obama was in Greece to meet with the Greek prime minister. Yep, he began his final foreign trip in Athens, Greece, while back in the White House, Joe Biden held his final toga party as vice president.

Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together. Pence was like, "I’m eager to discuss the issues facing our nation." While Biden said, "If you tell the waiter it’s your birthday, you get a free piece of cake."

There are reports that Bill Clinton encouraged Donald Trump to run for president. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, "It hasn’t been this tense around my house since.....well, you know…"

This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time. 1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt.

1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France. 1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl:" NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets.

1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook." 1989; The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia.

Picture Of The Day: Barry is also seeking to move to Canada to be with his people. I'm unsure as to why as there are only 50 to 60 Kenyan families living there.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds. 2) My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo and Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins. 3) Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice. 4) In the South, we don't hide crazy. We parade it around on the front porch and give it sweet tea.  5) Three out of four voices in my head want to sleep. The other voice wants to know if penguins have knees.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 18th: Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Actually, dogs are totally flexible.

The post office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder.

Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time you are near.

Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner,  physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny Devito, actor, director, producer 1944, Lorne Michaels, TV producer 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A country boy came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

The fireman replied, "Okay! How do we get there?" The country boy says, "Shucks, don’t y'all still have those big red trucks?"

The doctor said, "I can't find a cause for your illness. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." The patient replied, "In that case, I'll come back when you're sober."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick him, she chose little Mary.

Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting, Mary."

Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"

Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, 'Oh God!' If it hadn't been for Dad on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

The host asked, "Why is that?" The blonder replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it. After two drinks.....anyone can!"

That's it for today, my little meadow larks. Remember, Foreign Aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, November 11, 2016

Remembering Those Who Served

We were young. The Cuban Missile crisis and global war was on our minds. President Kennedy was assassinated and people were talking about a place called Vietnam. Over 58,000 young soldiers died there, Today I remember them and all soldiers who serve America.

Many Vietnam veterans came back wounded, both physically and mentally. There would be lingering effects of Agent Orange, a defoliant sprayed on the jungles. Any soldier who served America in these times had their lives changed in one way or the other.

Like out forefathers before us, America called and we answered, each in our own way.

Today's soldiers go through the same torment, Yet, they go and proudly serve. I am proud of my forefathers and fellow brethren who have served America when called upon.

The News As I See It: Obama called Donald Trump last night to congratulate him and even invited him to the White House for a meeting. Of course, it was hard to understand Obama, because, at the time, he was chewing 80 pieces of Nicorette.

For those who are disappointed for Hillary, remember, America has a special place for people who lose. Ironically, it’s the cast of "Celebrity Apprentice."

This Date In History: 1620 The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1831 Former slave Nat Turner was executed. 1889 Washington became the 42nd state. 1918 The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I. 1921 The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery. 1965 Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain. 1992 The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests. 2004 Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.

Picture Of The Day: Some didn't come home.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Mrs. Potato Head seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious. 2) "Married With Children" is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realize it’s a chilling documentary. 3) Customer Service: "Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you." 4) If the morons on Twitter found a horses' head in their bed at least half of them would take a selfie with it before calling the cops. 5) They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. At this point in my life, I should be able to bench-press a Buick.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - : A romantic excursion to an luxury hotel and casino may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Cover the bed in rose petals, place some chocolates on your loved-one's pillow and bring some beautiful and flowers.

Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and making love but it's really not the same ambiance and the room service is not as good. If you insist on gambling at the roulette table, play $5 on number 38.

Birthdays: Maude Adams, actress 1872 George Patton, general 1885 Howard Fast, author 1914 Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922 Carlos Fuentes writer, editor, and diplomat 1928 LaVern Bake,r singer 1929 Calista Flockhart, actress 1964 Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three southern kids were out riding their bikes one afternoon when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens. The three kids noticed a Dalmatian on the front seat of the fire engine.

The first boy said, "They use that dog to keep the crowds back." The second boys said, "No, he’s just for good luck." But the third kid knew better. He said, "No, that’s not it. The dog is there to give them directions to the nearest fire hydrant!"

A man goes over to his brother's house, all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" The guy says, "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law."

His brother asks, "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" The guy replied, "She wouldn't lie still!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a Detroit boy who was going into the 5th grade for the 3rd time.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! They wondered how the Detroit boy could top that?!

The clock started again and the Detroit boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

That's it for today, my little apple seeds. Remember,Foreign Aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More as it happens.

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Friday, November 4, 2016

Hello Neuman !

Many people may not remember Alfred E. Neuman, but back in the day, he was quite the fad. A Mad magazine creation, Alfred surely is more qualified for president than Crooked Hillary or Trump.

Of course there's always Newman (aptly portrayed by Wayne Knight), the lovingly obnoxious neighbor of Jerry Seinefeld, who would also be an effective candidate for the presidency, as well.

Nevertheless, the 2016 presidential circus will be over by Tuesday and we can either celebrate or bemoan the results.

Congratulations to the Chicgo Cubs, who, after 108 years, are the 2016 World Series champions. That’s so long ago, the 2016 presidential election hadn’t even started yet.

The win didn't come easy though, as the game went into extra innings with the Cubbies edging out a fine Cleveland Indians team 8-7 in ten innings.

The News As I See It: Disgraced Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and the Wi-Fi password.

A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet.

According to a survey of over 40,000 Americans, candy corn was the most popular Halloween candy state by state. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups got the most votes overall. So basically, Reese's got the popular vote and candy corn won the Electoral College.

Hillary Clinton got quite a scare Halloween night. I guess a trick-or-treater came to the door dressed as a lie detector.

This Date In History: 1842; Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd in Springfield, Illinois 1880; James and John Ritty of Dayton, Ohio, patented the first cash register. 1922; Howard Carter discovered the tomb of Tutankhamen in Egypt.

1924; Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming was elected the nation's first woman governor, to serve out the term of her husband who died in office. 1956; Russian troops attacked Budapest and crushed the Hungarian revolt under Premier Imre Nagy.

1979; The American embassy in Tehran, Iran, was seized by militants and 90 Americans were taken hostage. 1995; Israeli Prime Minister, and Nobel Laureate, Yitzhak Rabin, was assassinated by a right-wing Israeli.

2008; Democratic senator Barack Obama wins the presidential election against Sen. John McCain, taking 338 electoral votes to McCain's 161. Obama makes history as the first Mulatto U.S. president.

Picture Of The Day: Yep....!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken. 2) I'll bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace. 3) If you look in the mirror and say "pumpkin spice latte" three times, a suburban college girl, majoring in the arts, will appear and tell you everything she loves about the fall. 4) (Girlfriend): "I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching porn." (Me): "No, it's women's tennis."  5) My friend's mother-in-law is coming to stay with him for a week. He spent the day clearing out half of his closet so she would have a place to hang upside down and sleep.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - : Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, there's still plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. It still tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: Will Rogers, actor, humorist 1879, Harry George Ferguson, inventor 1884, Walter Cronkite, news broadcaster 1916, Art Carney, actor 1918, Loretta Swit, actor 1937, Laura Bush, First Lady 1946, Matthew McConaughey, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate.

The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the husband said to his wife, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." His wife said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and takes a dump on the woman’s head. The old woman says, "Yuck! Get some toilet paper."

The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook....."

That's it for today, my little moon pies. Remember, they say that intelligence is the new cleavage. This may or not be true but I believe that intelligence is barely head and shoulders above cleavage. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week......

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Friday, October 28, 2016

Don't Spit Too High

In a Fox News interview, former Speaker Newt Gingrich was asked by Megyn Kelly if Donald Trump is a sexual predator. Gingrich accused Kelly of being more fascinated with sex than public policy. There has been a running Kelly-Trump feud and it looks like Newt wanted to join in.

I was mildly amused at the exchange between the two as Megyn Kelly provocatively posed for GQ magazine (above) in 2010 and Newt Gingrich had an affair in 1993 with a House of Representatives staffer while still married. I don't think I would have brought up the subject of "sex" if it were me, but I digress.

The exchange between the two got heated as Gingrich accused Kelly and the rest of the media of giving outsized attention to allegations of sexually inappropriate conduct lodged against Trump from 11 women. Kelly disagreed, insisting that her show has covered all the issues.

Gingrich retorted, "You want to go back through the tapes of your show recently. You are fascinated with sex, and you don’t care about public policy. That’s what I get out of watching your show tonight."

Kelly fired back, pointing to polls that show the issue is important to voters, particularly women, "Mr. Speaker, I’m not fascinated by sex but I am fascinated by the protection of women and understanding what we’re getting in the Oval Office."

It continued from there, with a dare from Gingrich and a taunt from Kelly. Gingrich: "And therefore we’re going to send Bill Clinton back to the East Wing. I want to hear you use the words ‘Bill Clinton, sexual predator.’ I dare you."

Kelly: "We on 'The 'Kelly File' have covered the Clinton matter as well. We’re going to have to leave it at that and you can take your anger issues and spend some time working on them, Mr. Speaker."

Gingrich: "You too."

The News As I See It: Hillary went to a fundraiser in New York City that was attended by Stevie Wonder. And even Stevie was like, "Let me guess — loud orange pantsuit?"

Samsung recently announced that people who turn in their recalled Galaxy Note 7 phones will be eligible for a free Note 8 next year when it debuts. Customers said, "I'm not falling for it. I've been burned by Samsung before."

Hillary's voters are now more excited to vote for Hillary than Trump voters are to vote for Trump. Which is crazy because getting excited about Hillary is like getting excited about taking your car in for an oil change. It's not fun, but the alternative is your car bursting into flames.

Last Friday, Amazon, CNN, and Twitter were all down all over the United States. It’s a chilling day that will one day be known in history as "Productive Friday."

This Date In History: 1793; Eli Whitney applied for a patent for the cotton gin. 1886; The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland. 1919; Congress passed the Volstead Act, or the National Prohibition Act, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto.

1922; Benito Mussolini took control of the government of Italy. 1940; Italy invaded Greece during World War II. 1958; A new pope was elected—Pope John XXIII. 1962; Nikita Khrushchev told the U.S. that he had ordered the dismantling of Soviet missile bases in Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: Today is National Chocolate Day, but I must confess, every day is national chocolate day for me.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Which side of the plate does the cell phone go on? 2) My friend got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at him so loud, he nearly fell in. 3) You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning. 4) I know it's been a while since I cleaned my house, but bringing in those blindfolded people for a Febreeze commercial wasn't funny. 5) My next door neighbor just accused me of stealing articles from her clothes line. I nearly shit her pants.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - : Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. The partner of your dreams will realize you are worthy of attention today. Stock up on alcohol and remember to change the sheets.

Birthdays: Eliphalet Remington, gun manufacturer 1793, Auguste Escoffier, authority on cooking 1846, Gilbert H. Grosvenor, editor 1875, Edith Head, fashion designer 1897, Evelyn Waugh, novelist 1903, Jonas Salk, American physician and microbiologist 1914, Dennis Franz, actor 1944, Bill Gates, computer industry pioneer 1955, Julia Roberts, actress 1967 Brad Paisley, singer, songwriter 1972, Joaquin Phoenix, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag. As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old man named Murray cautiously raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you....."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times until her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes."

Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Scenario: A man is walking down the streets of Washington, D.C. with his wife and two small children. Suddenly, a thug with a huge knife comes around the corner and charges him. The man is carrying a Glock 45 and he is an expert shot. He has mere seconds before the thug reaches him and his family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?"

Conservative Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Southerner's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click....(sounds of reloading). Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click....

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'' The man said, I see. Whose clock is that?''

St. Peter said, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'' The man said, "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.''

The man then asked, "Where's Obama 's clock?" St. Peter said, "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

That's it for today, my little Goblins. Remember, If you take the Ginko, you might be able to remember where you put the Viagra......

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