Friday, November 17, 2017

Do You Have A Church Key?

Few of today's youth know what a "church key" is and not too many know what a pen knife is. Almost everybody carried a pen knife back in the day. Too little for use as a weapon, it's a small knife that can be quite useful in many instances.

The pen knife was usually a three bladed, foldable knife, but subsequent knives sported such additional tools as screwdriver heads and the all important cork screw. The Swiss Army knife was a nifty invention, but the weight and bulk of it negated the simplicity of the pen knife.

Before the advent of the pop-top, sodas and beer were opened with an opener affectionately referred to as a "church key". The "church key" term came about because the bottle opener resembled a key. Subsequently, the advent of the tool for opening beer and soda cans was also given the "church key" moniker.

The tool is named for several reasons. The original openers used on bottles (before beer cans existed) looked similar to a large old fashion keys used by monks to open the church, as well as keep the precious beer they brewed safe.

The name was then adopted to all tools used to open beer–with an ironic twist–for it is said if you used a church key opener (i.e. if you drank beer) you would be less likely to open the door of a church to attend service. At least that's what Dad always said......

This is NASCAR Championship weekend and will be hosted by Homestead Miami Speedway. The final four drivers vying for the championship are Kyle Bush, Kevin Harvick, Martin Truex and Brad Keselowski.

For those of you who have never watched a NASCAR Race, it's very exciting. The Truck Series Championship is tonight, The Xfinty Championship will run Saturday with the Monster Energy Championship on Sunday. Check you local listings for times. 

The News As I See It: Astronomers announced that they have discovered an earth-sized planet in our corner of the galaxy that is potentially habitable by humans. Yeah, they think the planet may have breathable air and drinkable water, which is impressive because they barely have those things in Los Angeles. The planet in question orbits a star called Ross 128. It's part of a larger solar system that includes Chandler, Joey and Monica 128.

The FDA has approved the first pill with a digital sensor that signals doctors when patients have taken their medicine. Doctors say they invented the pill to make sure that their patients are taking their medication. I still think it would be more effective if they went with my plan of making all pills taste like Cool Ranch Doritos.

This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time.  1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt. 1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France.

1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl:" NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets. 1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook." 1989; The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia.

Picture Of The Day: The Swiss Army Knife

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Science Tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while. 2) I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on a piece of paper bag. I walked around Publix like some kind of a carrier pigeon. 3) If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage. 4) Kim Kardashian is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Kim's maximum capacity is 500 members. 5) Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 17th: The odds are that you'll see something that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice. Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza and if you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.

Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner, physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny DeVito, actor, director, producer 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" The husband answers calmly,"Don't worry dear, they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

His wife asks, feebly, "Well, how long will it take for him to get here," Her husband replies, "No time at all, Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Sophie was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Murray, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Murray, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Murray looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Sophie cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So, Murray grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.

When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Murray answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Murray answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Murray answered, "Only if it's raining."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A loving grandfatheralways made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time, just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. He asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" The little girl said, "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see one single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went!"

On his 70th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to the old and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected."

He continued, "You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!

That's it for today, my little magpies. Remember, the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, November 10, 2017

Boycott The NFL On Veteran's Day Weekend

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day, a day to remember the scared young soldier who was wounded or gave his or her life while serving America. Please remember all the soldiers and their families, both past and present, who sacrificed their youth serving their country.

My father served in World War II and my brother Kirt and I served when we were called. As a personal protest, I do not watch any National Football League games, especially this weekend. I also refuse to buy any product with a NFL logo on it or any services offered by companies involved with the NFL.

Whie I like the game of football, I respect our flag and national anthem more and refuse to watch the morons who disrespect the anthem or the flag.

The News As I See It: Uber signed a deal with NASA on Wednesday to develop "Uber Elevate", a new type of Uber that will use flying cars. They’re developing a flying Uber. Los Angeles apparently will be one of the first cities to get flying Ubers. L.A. is perfect, because who is more qualified to fly you through the sky at 5,000 feet than an illegal alien or an out-of-work actor-deejay-dog walker?

Twitter doubled the amount of characters you can use from 140 to 280 characters. In theory, this means Twitter is now Facebook, right? They're basically the same thing — or is it possible there is anyone on the planet who thought, "You know what this year needs? More Twitter."

Woody Allen's newest movie features a middle-aged man who is sleeping with a 15-year-old girl. The movie will premiere at Cannes in May and be entered into evidence in June.

A Japanese Company created a $150 noise-canceling ramen noodle fork to cover up slurping noises. So, if you’ve got 150 bucks to spend on a fork. why are you eating ramen noodles?

This Date In History: 1871; Journalist and explorer Henry Stanley found the missing David Livingstone in Central Africa and made his famous comment, "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" 1928;  Hirohito was crowned Emperor of Japan.

1951; The first long distance telephone call without operator assistance took place. 1969 Sesame Street premiered on PBS TV.  1970; The Great Wall of China opened to the world for tourism.  1982; The Vietnam Veterans Memorial opened in Washington, DC.

Picture Of The Day: Remember our soldiers

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you serve a toddler pancakes, they’ll stay sticky until just after college. 2) I missed two of my mom's calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called. 3) I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 4) After having lived in terror all these years, Gloria Estefan's threat finally came true. I turned on my car radio and was brutally attacked by the rhythm. 5) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 10ty: Don't embarrass yourself this week when the dentist puts that paper bib on you. They will not bring you lobster. You will have a lucky weekend. Remember, serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.

Birthdays: Martin Luther, German leader of the Protestant Reformation 1483, William Hogarth, painter, satirist, engraver  1697, Oliver Goldsmith, author 1730, Samuel Gridley Howe, reformer and philanthropist 1801,  Claude Rains, actor 1889, J. P. Marquand, novelist 1893, Richard Burton, actor 1925, Russell Means, activist, actor 1939, Donna Fargo, singer 1945, Ann Reinking, dancer, choreographer and actress 1949, Roland Emmerich, filmaker 1855, Neil Gaiman, writer 1860, Brittany Murphy, actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?” He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”

The wife asked,“Where shall I put it to get it warm?” He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.” The wife asked, “But what about the smell?” The mad replied, “Just hold its little nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.

Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. Yet there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?.

A man in the front row raised his hand. The dietitian said, "You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man in the front row lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying. "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine."

The other guy says, "So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uh, I'm like you, just traveling." At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

The guy says, "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No, I'm a little busy right now."

Then I hear the guy say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do." The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."

The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

That's it for today, my little pollywogs. Remember, all barbers are not the same. What I said was, "Just a trim, please." What the barber must have heard was,"Give me the Kim Jong-un." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, October 27, 2017

Want A Spam Sammich?

Spam, the canned meat - not the annoying email - has always been very, very popular in the state of Hawaii. So much so, in fact, that it is now being stolen repeatedly and sold on the black market for what officials believe is drug money.

Some thieves just sell it out of their cars. The shoplifters get the stolen goods for free, so they are able to make a 100 percent profit reselling them.

Retail Merchants of Hawaii some stores require customers to call a clerk when they want their Spam. Others keep it up front under the watchful eyes of the cashiers. Canned beef is also a hot item for thieves because it can fetch $5-6 a can.

The state’s love affair with Spam began during World War II and Hawaii was a war zone during the war. They had government mandated blackouts, food rationing and food restrictions, which they felt the pressure of even more because they were away from the mainland. Rationing created just the right conditions for the rise of a meat that needs no refrigeration and has a remarkably long shelf life.

Ann Kondo Corum, who grew up in Hawaii in the 1950s and has written several Spam-inspired cookbooks, has attributed Spam’s popularity partly to Hawaii’s large Asian population. Spam was one of those scarce food rations and it was something that Hawaiians lived on during the war. There's even a name for it: Spam currency.

I like Spam and have eaten many a Spam sandwich in my day. When sliced thinly, it is comparable to bacon and goes well with breakfast.

The News As I See It: In the past week, several prominent men have been fired for sexual harassment and it’s being called "The Harvey Effect." Of course, none of them will see any jail time and that’s being called "The Cosby Effect."

Red Lobster announced that it will start delivering its food in New York City through a partnership with Grubhub. Yeah, because if there’s one thing that will make crappy discount seafood even worse, it’s 20 minutes on the back of a bike.

Developers are working on a hyper loop that could get you from Washington, D.C., to New York City in just 29 minutes. And once you are here, you can take a subway from Penn Station to Times Square in just four hours.

This Date In History: 1787; The first of the Federalist Papers, which called for the ratification of the U.S. Constitution, was published. 1904; New York City's first rapid transit subway, the IRT, opened.

1938; Du Pont announced that it would name its new synthetic yarn nylon. 1978; Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin were named winners of the Nobel Peace Prize for their work toward a Middle East accord.

1997; The Dow Jones industrial average fell 554.26 points, forcing the stock market to shut down. 2004; After an 86 year wait, the Boston Red Sox finally captured a World Series trophy.

Picture Of The Day: The charm of Spam. I offtimes buy but usually it gets pushed to the back ground, That us, of course, until Mother Hubbard's Cupboard becomes a bit bare and you espy your secret little treasure that will provide for a hearty sandwich......   

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat right next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 2) You don't know what real fear is, until you've been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California. 3) When I was a kid, I suffered from depression. My teacher suggested that my father take me to the zoo. He did, but I found my way home. 4) Remember, lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza, but both are fine when you're drunk. 5) I remember the day when my ex-wife and I decided not to have children. The kids took it pretty hard.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 27th: You may hear a voice in your ear saying that you are here for a purpose. Don't pay any attention to the voice, they meant to say porpoise. That is, unless you're from Miami, in which case, take heed.

Birthdays: James Cook, explorer and navigator 1728, Theodore Roosevelt, 26th president 9f the United States 1858, Emily Post, etiquette writer 1873, Dylan Thomas, poet 1914, Roy Lichtenstein, painter 1923, Sylvia Plath, poet 1932, John Cleese, actor 1939, Roberto Benigni, actor and filmmaker 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man went to a job interview. The Human Resources manager asked him, "What is your greatest weakness?" The man replied, "Honesty."

The Human Resources manager said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." The older man said, "I don't really give a shit what you think."

A priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

The priest asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection and a little boy raised his hand. The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you're supposed to call the doctor."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish."

The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?"

The guys says, "Well, my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"The cowboy said, "Well, I can think of one thing."

He continued, "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The Cowboy replied, "A couple of minutes ago."

That's it for today, my little goblins. Remember, remember that water dissolves alien beasts and witches. This information may or may not affect your balance when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, October 20, 2017

My First Camera

I remember loading film into my new camera, then searching for the flash bulbs. For some reason, we licked the poles of the flash bulb prior to insertion (Freudian?). After the film was used, I took it to the drugstore to have it developed. Black and white, of course.

I was around eleven years old when I got my first camera. I remember seeing an ad in my comic book that said if I sold a certain amount of 8"X10" religious cards, I would "win" a camera.

So, the materials arrived and off I went going house to house trying to sell my product for ten cents each. That may not sound like much but back in the day, you could buy a week's groceries for $5-7 dollars. It took me about two weeks to sell everything and then I mailed in the money and awaited my camera.

My camera finally arrived around two weeks later and it was then I realized that I would have to buy film and flash bulbs. I don't remember the cost or what development would cost, but I do recall that I had to go searching for soda bottles to cash in so I could pay for it.

No one in the family had a camera and I couldn't wait to finish my first roll of film. Most of the pictures "came out" (a term today's youth would not fathom). It was important to save the negatives for future reprints.

Over the next few years, I took mostly family pictures and stock car racing pictures. Oddly enough, most of the family pictures, including my grandfather, aunts, uncles and cousins were taken with my camera.

In retrospect, I'm happy I got my camera or I wouldn't have the few cherished pictures from my early childhood.

The News As I See It: Google has developed image-recognition software that can accurately capture what’s happening in a photo. But it still has some bugs. It described Kim Kardashian's recent photo as "Woman being chased by two Butterball turkeys."

A new study found that women have better memories than men. Also, a new study found that women have better memories than men.

This Date In History: 1803; The Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase. 1944; Gen. Douglas MacArthur returned to the Philippines, 30 months after he said "I shall return." 1947; The U.S. House Un-American Activities Committee opened meetings about alleged Communist infiltration in the Hollywood film industry. 1964; Herbert Hoover, the 31st president of the United States, died in New York at age 90.

1968; Jacqueline Kennedy married Aristotle Onassis. 1973; During the Watergate scandal, Attorney General Elliot L. Richardson and Deputy Attorney General William B. Ruckelshaus resigned and special prosecutor Archibald Cox was dismissed by President Nixon in what came to be known as the "Saturday Night Massacre." 2011; Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi is killed by rebel troops in Surt, Libya, his hometown.

Picture Of The Day: My camera looked somewhat like this and I was thrilled when it arrived.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hope my ship comes in before my dock rots. 2) The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma's mind sharp. She's been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen. 3) Back in the day, every TV had a remote control. In my house, it was usually me or my brother. 4) Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I learn how to tie my shoes with one hand. 5) It is said that the only difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is one degree in the normal reading. Personally, I think the main difference would be in the taste.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 18th: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.

Birthdays: Arthur Rimbaud. poet 1854, John Dewey. philosopher, educator 1859, Charles Ives. composer 1874, Bela Lugosi. actor  1882, Jelly Roll Morton. musician 1890, Arlene Francis. actress, TV personality 1907, Art Buchwald, humorist 1925, Mickey Mantle, baseball player 1931, Tom Petty, musician 1950, Viggo Mortensen, actor 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: If your child needs a last-minute Halloween costume, you can wrap him like The Mummy with your CVS receipts. You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison."

The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent."

She went on, "As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back and says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas, although still silent, smells terribly." The doctor says, "Ok, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing.

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure.

Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

That's it for today, my little tater tots. Remember, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions!. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, October 13, 2017

Be Vewy Vewy Careful Today

At least it's Friday. People were yelling warnings at movie screens long before Jason's escapades. Scary movies keep people on the edge of their seats and once that eerie music begins, everyone knows not to leave that cabin or go up those stairs. But noooo.....!

Friday the 13th is considered an unlucky day in Western superstition. Realistically, any day you step in dog shit is bad luck, as well, so everything is relative. Of course you can make matters worse by making bad decisions.

Take into consideration the Canadian man and his family who were just released by the Taliban after five years because he thought taking a hike in Afghanistan was a good idea. But, I digress.

Friday the 13th ( the movie) had a long run and produced many sequels (ad nauseum). Of course, the older crowd might remember Frankenstein, The Werewolf, Dracula and The Mummy as nail-biters as well.

One of my favorites as a kid was The Blob and The Creature From The Black lagoon, the latter being the first horror film produced in 3-D.

My suggestion for today is to take things in stride and bad luck be damned. This particular thought was seconded by my black cat, Samantha, who suggested that things could be worse. You could be married to Bill or Hillary Clinton.....

The News As I See It: The big story this week is the Harvey Weinstein scandal. Some very serious allegations came out about his sexual misconduct. You can tell they’re bad because Anthony Weiner just unfriended him.

Reports say Netflix is raising its prices next month. Wow, that's gonna be quite a burden on whoever’s password I’m using.

A man from Italy just set a Guinness World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underwear in 30 seconds. On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret.

This Date In History: 1775; The Continental Congress authorized the construction of a naval fleet. 1792; The cornerstone of the White House was laid. 1843; The Jewish organization B'nai B'rith was founded. 1903; Boston defeated Pittsburgh in the first World Series.

1943; Italy declared war on Germany, its former Axis partner, during World War II. 1974; Ed Sullivan died in New York City at age 72.  1981; Egypt's vice president Hosni Mubarak was elected president, one week after Anwar Sadat's assassination.

Picture Of The Day: The Creature From The Black Lagoon.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was born, I was given a choice - to be well hung or have a good memory. I can't remember what I chose. 2) At six, I was left an orphan. What the hell is a six year old supposed to do with an orphan? 3) In an intellectually equal society, who will be the busboys? 4)  I found out my girlfriend was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning! 5) I wish that Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 13th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. The best places to look are wedding receptions and class reunions.

Birthdays: Yves Montand, actor, singer 1921, Margaret Thatcher, British political leader 1925, Paul Simon, musician 1941, Jerry Rice, football player 1962, Nancy Kerrigan, figure skater 1969, Ashanti, singer, actress 1980, Ian Thorpe, swimmer 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I do?"

Mabel reached up to her ear, pulled out the suppository and stared at it. Then she said, "I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for'small, $6,500 for medium and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking dejected. The doctor asked, "Well, what have the two of you decided?' The man replied, "She said she would rather remodel the kitchen."

A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement. The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."

Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, there's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !