Ignorance Is Bliss

The good thing about listening to ongoing confessions, it pleases me to watch the Kool-Aid drinkers fall on their swords, one by one. Sooner or later, there will be no more apologists or protectionists to rally the sheep and one man will finally have to face the truth.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney acknowledged on Monday that senior staffers to Barack Obama were informed in late April that a forthcoming audit of the IRS would reveal that officials there had targeted conservative groups. Nevertheless, Carney said, they did not warn Obama about the scandal (sure they didn't) soon to hit his administration.

Speaking to reporters at his daily briefing, Carney said White House Counsel Kathy Ruemmler told top staffers that an inspector general audit was near completion after she herself was notified of the audit on April 24. Carney said Ruemmler had told Chief of Staff Denis McDonough about the forthcoming report but he did not name (they never do) the other staffers who were briefed. Carney himself was kept in the dark (of course he was).

He said nobody saw an actual draft of the report. Either way, aides decided not to tell Obama about the upcoming bombshell, partly because it would have been inappropriate to intervene and partly because the contents of the report could have changed before its formal release (Yep, now drink the Kool-Aid!).

My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and families of the people who were injured or killed in today's tornadoes and storms in Oklahoma.

The News As I See It: Last week marked the 37th time House Republicans tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down.

Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS because the other guy was fired. See, they're called "acting commissioner" because you have to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House.

Many critics are now comparing Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he's no longer being compared to President Carter.

Chinese authorities recently arrested over 900 people for selling counterfeit mink. China warned the U.S. that the meat's being sold under the name of "Arby's."

JC Penny has a new ad out. It thanks customers for coming back to them. Then the customers explained they're coming back to return crap from JC Penny.

American Idol is in trouble in the ratings these days. They are down 40 percent since last year. This season, "American Idol" was beaten by "Duck Dynasty" in the ratings. You know, the show with two dudes sitting in a tree with one saying, "That a duck?", and the other one replying, "No, looks more like a quail."

Duck Dynasty is like Honey Boo Boo if you replaced the little girl with a chubby duck.

This Date In History: 1506; Christopher Columbus died in Spain. 1861; North Carolina voted to secede from the Union. 1927; Charles Lindbergh began the first solo nonstop transatlantic flight, departing from Long Island aboard the Spirit of Saint Louis.

1932; Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. 1961; A mob attacked a busload of "freedom riders" in Montgomery, Alabama, setting the bus on fire.

1978; Mavis Hutchinson, 53, became the first woman to run across America. The 3,000-mile trek took her 69 days. She ran an average of 45 miles each day.

1996; In a 6-3 vote, the Supreme Court rejected a Colorado measure banning laws that protect homosexuals from discrimination. 2002; East Timor became the newest nation.

Picture Of The Day: Cute....and the horsie's not too shabby either.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I imagine the discovery of fruit went like this: "Ok, so far you've named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?......Really? (sigh). 2) I think that a group of squid should be called a squad. 3) If you decapitate a vegan, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 6 minutes. 4) "Jesus Take The Wheel" is a country music song. It was inspired by Mexicans stripping a car.5) I saw a bumper sticker that said either "support your local beaver" or "support your local brewer". Either way. it's sound advice.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 20th: Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France, then chances are you're going to strike out again this week. However, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet! I would estimate that at least fifty percent of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed.

Birthdays: William Thornton, architect 1759, Dolley Madison, American First Lady 1768, Honoré de Balzac, novelist 1799, John Stuart Mill, philosopher 1806, James Stewart, actor 1908, Moshe Dayan, military leader 1915, Cher, singer actress, 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer test again!"

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" The female statue smiled and said, "Yeah, but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. He says, "No." The stranger says, "The seat is empty? That's incredible. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

The stranger replies, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else?....a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head and replies, "No, they're all at the funeral."

TA man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

The IRS genie says, "Well kid, you know how it works. You have three wishes." The man says, "I'm not falling for this. I'm not going to trust an IRS agent." The IRS genie says, "You might as well it. looks like your a goner anyway." The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

The man says, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." *POOF* The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The IRS genie says, "OK, kid, what's your second wish." The man says, "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." *POOF* The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The IRS genie says, "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." *POOF* He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

That's it for today, my little lamb chops. Remember, women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Orb Headlines Saturday's Preakness Stakes Field - Obama Scratched

Saturday is the running of the Preakness Stakes and Kentucky Derby winner Orb has drawn the number one post position and is the odds-on favorite. Trainer Shug McGaughey, who won his first Kentucky Derby this year, will try to take the next step toward winning the Triple Crown when he saddles Kentucky Derby winner Orb in the Preakness Stakes.

With jockey Joel Rosario up, Orb is the even-money favorite to win the Preakness and McGaughey feels he has the horse to win the second jewel. If Orb wins Saturday, he would head to New York for the Belmont Stakes on June 8 trying to become just the 12th Triple Crown winner ever.

Orb wins the 2013 Kentucky Derby going away

On a sad note: former Nascar driver Dick Trickle apparently committed suicide on Friday. Trickle won over 1,000 short track races in his career and was a constant high finisher in Nascar.

One of my favorite stories about Trickle was that he was a chain smoker and actually had an electric lighter installed in his race car so that he could light a cigarette when the race was under caution. Dick Trickle was 71 years old. Rest in peace, racer.

The News As I See It: Obama is not having a good week. You've got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, the AP records scandal and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS.

With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, "How could things get worse?" And Joe Biden was like, "You rang?"

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from "Change you can believe in" to "Changing the story until you believe it."

Vice President Joe Biden said in an interview this week that he spends four or five hours every day with Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he's ever made.

Since Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, "Well, I did promise change."

Barbara Walters is stepping down after 50 years in television. One of my favorite video clips came from footage that just surfaced from 1962 of the young Barbara as an undercover Playboy Bunny. You can tell it was Barbara because she keeps asking men if they want their drinks "on the wocks."

O.J. Simpson is in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, "I'm tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am."

Simpson took the witness stand. He's serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won't be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we'll have even have "Dancing With the Stars" by then.

China announced that it will no longer buy recycled trash from the United States. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China.

This Date In History: 1792; The New York Stock Exchange was established when a group of 24 brokers and merchants met by a tree on what is now Wall Street and signed the Buttonwood Agreement.

1875; The first Kentucky Derby was held at Churchill Downs, in Louisville, Kentucky. 1938; NBC aired the Information Please quiz show on the radio for the first time. 1954 The Supreme Court ruled unanimously against segregation in schools in Brown v. Board of Education.

1973; Televised Watergate hearings opened, headed by North Carolina senator Sam Ervin. 1987; An Iraqi warplane attacked the U.S.S. Stark in the Persian Gulf, killing 37 American sailors and wounding 62.

Picture Of The Day: This painting struck my fancy and musical whims. I hope you enjoy it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate that moment when I'm driving and tweeting and I look up and notice that I'm in the Atlantic Ocean. 2) My girlfriend got her tongue pierced and I asked her why? She said, "To enhanthe the thektual thtimulathon." 3) I caught my crazy "ex" going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon. 4) My girlfriend's smart phone has GPS. It learned to say "Your other left." 5) If I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're obligated to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's referred to as Squid Pro Quo.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 17th: That tingly little feeling you get when you like someone is actually your common sense leaving your body. Make tomorrow more fun. Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says, "now voice activated." Then, sit back and watch the magic unfold.

Birthdays: My pal Scotty - Happy Birthday 19XX, Seth Warner, hero of the American Revolution 1743, Edward Jenner, physician 1749 Erik Satie, composer 1866, Birgit Nilsson, soprano 1918, Dennis Hopper, actor, director, producer 1936, Sugar Ray Leonard, boxer 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man and a woman walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "What?"

So the doctor yells it, "I need a urine sample, a feces sample and a blood sample!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

One day, the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.

Billy-Bob says, "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn, we started kissing and cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy."

Billy-Bob continued, "Well, Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did. Up on the hill we started kissing and cuddling and Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then, Mary-Lou laid on the ground, opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?"

The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12 inch tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist." The drunk replied, "Horse shit, your pulling my leg."

So the guy next to him picks up the 12 inch man, grabs some books and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.

Stunned, the drunk asks, "That little guy is cool. Where the hell did you get him"? The guy told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared and was granted one wish.

All of a sudden, the drunk runs out the back door, finds the bottle and starts rubbing it. In a wink, a genie pops out and grants him one wish. The drunk slurs, "I wish for a million bucks." Immediately, the sky turns black and overhead, a million ducks come flying and shit all over him.

Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing ,"You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit."

The guy started laughing and wildly exclaimed, "You don't really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist do you?"

That's it for today, my little angry birds. Remember, any spouse can be a trophy spouse if you take them to a Taxidermist. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for drinks and maybe some karaoke.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I Know Nothing !

There are so many congressional hearings about scandals going on in Washington that you need a program to keep up with who's lying to whom and about what. On top of that, white house spokesman Jay Carney has his ass backed to the wall with so many prying questions from the press that he looks like Opie Taylor answering to Sheriff Andy the day after he got caught skipping school.

As usual, nobody seems to know nothing about anything. Jay Carney has artfully instructed both Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder on the art of side stepping and generally avoiding any and all uncomfortable questions. It looks like a reincarnation of Hogan's Heroes with all the players vying for the part of Sgt Schultz, whose epic answer was always, "I know nothing!"

The News As I See It: Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. First it was Benghazi and the subsequent cover-up, then the IRS unfairly singled out conservative groups and others it doesn't like. IRS commissioner Steve Miller said about targeting conservative groups thing that, "Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation." Yeah, "Mistakes were made" — try saying that during your next IRS audit.

Now, the Department of Justice has secretly recorded the phone calls of Associated Press journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the AP incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice.

Remember the good old days when Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days? So three big scandals. Personally, I preferred the Weiner and Spitzer scandals. At least they were funnier.

Update: Obama announced on Wednesday that Steven Miller, the acting director of the Internal Revenue Service, had resigned amid criticism over the tax agency's handling of conservative groups seeking tax-exempt status.

Speaking from the White House's East Room, Obama said that he had instructed Treasury Secretary Jack Lew to hold the IRS accountable for its missteps, revealed in a Treasury Department inspector general's report released on Tuesday. Among the steps Lew took was to request and accept "the resignation of the acting commissioner of the IRS."

Jodi Arias:The same Phoenix jury that convicted Jodi Arias for the 2008 slaying of her ex-boyfriend, Travis Alexander, declared Wednesday that she is eligible for the death penalty. The jury returned the eligibility verdict after less than three hours of deliberation.

O,J, Simpson is back in court. He's trying to get himself a new trial. He was tossed into prison for a long time for stealing his own sports memorabilia. Double homicide.....nothing, acquitted. Stealing sports memorabilia.....convicted, 30 years to life.

O.J.'s lawyer said, "Look, we've been through this before. It's a long shot. And O.J. said, "I think I'll take a stab at it." O.J. has gained a lot of weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife. Remember: If the pants don't fit, you must acquit.

Last Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, “Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like a Marlboro."

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, "Eh, it's not the end of the world."

This Date In History: 1862; The U.S. Department of Agriculture was created by an act of Congress on this day. 1911; The Standard Oil Company, headed by John D. Rockefeller, was ordered dissolved by the Supreme Court, under the Sherman Antitrust Act.

1918; The first air mail route in the U.S. was established between New York and Washington, DC, with a stop at Philadelphia. 1930; On a Boeing Air Transport flight between Oakland and Chicago, Ellen Church became the first airline stewardess.

1940; Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the United States. 1972; Alabama Governor George Wallace was shot and crippled as he campaigned for the presidency. 1988; The Soviet Union began to withdraw its estimated 115,000 troops from Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: "I Know Nothing!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I opened a restaurant, I'd call it, "I Don't Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?" 2) I'm not a racist. I hate all races equally, especially the 100 meter dash and the marathon.  3) I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. 4) Make fun of my pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire tonight. 5) The next time a bill collector calls, just give the phone to your toddler and tell her it's Barney.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 15th: Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts. Please bear this in mind if you plan any visits to the market this week.

Birthdays: Claudio Monteverdi composer 1567, Lyman Frank,Baum author 1856, Pierre Curie, scientist 1859, Katherine Anne Porter author, 1890, Richard Joseph Daley political leader 1902, James Mason actor 1909, Paul A. Samuelson economist, 1915, Richard Avedon photographer, 1923, Jasper Johns artist 1930, Madeleine Albright government official, 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that reads, "Looking for man who won't beat me up, run away from me and is great in bed." She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad, but never met anyone.

One day, she finds a man at her door. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." The woman says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

About 200 dead crows were found dead near Boston and there was great concern about the possibility of “Avian Flu”. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. However, he did determine that ninety-eight percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only two percent were killed by impact with cars.

The city of Boston hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine why there were such disproportionate percentages for "truck versus car" kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in very short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of any impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could easily say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck"!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.

He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!"

To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

That's it for today, my little rascals. Remember, cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say "Ta-Da" when you do. I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour. "Ta Da!"

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Kermit Gosnell found Guilty Of Murder !

Kermit Gosnell, the 72-year-old Philadelphia abortion doctor who has been on trial for the deaths of four babies and one woman, has been found guilty of three counts of first degree murder.

As a man, I've always thought that a woman's body belongs to her and she has the right to make the decisions involved in same. The laws of the land, however, have set certain standards that affect pregnant women.

Be that as it may, I could not personally turn my back on any defenseless child who is alive at birth. Furthermore, I cannot turn my back on defenseless animals either. The pros and cons for abortion lie in an area I'd rather not address, but once born, life should be respected and all attempts made to preserve it.

The Internal Revenue Service apologized to Tea Party groups and other conservative organizations on Friday for what it now says were overzealous audits of their applications for tax-exempt status.

Lois Lerner, the director of the I.R.S. division that oversees tax-exempt groups, acknowledged that the agency had singled out nonprofit applicants with the terms "Tea Party" or "patriots" in their titles in an effort to respond to a surge in applications for tax-exempt status between 2010 and 2012.

Lerner insisted that the move was not driven by politics, but she added, "We made some mistakes; some people didn’t use good judgment. For that we’re apologetic."

What? If anyone of us pulled that type of ruthless stunt against the IRS, we'd be handcuffed, paraded in front of the media and hung from the nearest tree. These biased actions need to be dealt with by Congress!

The News As I See It: Obama was in Texas on his "Middle-class jobs and opportunity tour." Don’t confuse that with his first term. That was the "Middle-class jobs and missed opportunity tour." While Obama was in Texas, he told people to "Remember the Alamo and forget about Benghazi."

Minnesota is legalizing gay marriage. Unfortunately, there are no gays in Minnesota. Next, Minnesota is going to legalize the Tony Awards.

Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, "Uh — the 'Iron Man' sequel sector?"

Whole Foods is apologizing for switching the labels on some salads, which caused vegans to accidentally eat chicken. So if you're a vegan who mistakenly ate one of the salads, that's why it was so delicious.

Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film? Do they list that in the credits? "Tim hurt one monkey and he is very sorry."

This Date In History: 1568; Mary Queen of Scots was defeated at the Battle of Langside and immediately fled to North England. 1846; The United States formally declared war on Mexico after several days of fighting.

1938; Louis Armstrong and his orchestra recorded the New Orleans jazz classic, "When the Saints Go Marching In", on Decca Records. 1940; Winston Churchill gave his first speech as prime minister: "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat."

1973; Tennis male chauvinist Bobby Riggs defeated Margaret Smith Court, 6-2, 6-1 in front of a world-wide television audience. He would lose to Billie Jean King later that year. 1981; Pope John Paul II was shot and wounded by Mehmet Ali Agca as he drove through a crowd in St. Peter's Square, Rome.

Picture Of The Day: Ya wanna stop by my house for drinks?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I'm a gentleman and also, to see if it's been poisoned. 2) I dropped off my mother-in-law at the airport. Her flight isn't until Tuesday, but with security and all, it's best to play it safe. 3) When I get a call from an unknown number, I answer by whispering, "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!" 4) I only have 3 months left on that mirror I broke in 2006. 5) As it turns out, 5 foot penguins don't exist. In related news, I may have run over a nun......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 13th: Your appetite may increase today as doctors finally remove the scissors they left inside you during your last operation. You will get an important phone call today, but you won't be able to find a pen to write down the message. The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, stop wandering in the forests and try checking out the local bars.

Birthdays: Maria Theresa, queen of Bohemia and Hungary 1717, Henry William Stiegel, iron and glass manufacturer 1729, Sir Arthur Sullivan, composer 1842, Georges Braque, painter 1882, Joe Louis, World Heavyweight champion boxer 1914, Harvey Keitel, actor 1939, Stevie Wonder singer, composer, producer 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there." The next morning he got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

At the end of the 2011 tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of the local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" The CFO said, "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

The auditor replied, "Oh", disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast?" The CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster." The auditor replied, "I see", thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

He went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" The CFO answered, "Here, too, we do not waste. What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, :Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

The husband continued, "If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responded, "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too..."

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender and said, "I'd like to apply for the job. I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam."

He continued, "When they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy-hour, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try? The seedy fighter-jockey staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered.

By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. He said, "It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You." After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he added, "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Center Line", then he excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" The old fighter pilot replied, "Know it? Hell, I wrote it!"

That's it for today, my little daffy dills. Remember, being a parent is a lot like being a prison guard. Your main job is to make sure the kids don’t kill each other or escape.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !