Wednesday, February 10, 2016

2016 Presidential Race - Politics As Usual

Bernie trounced Hillary in New Hampshire yesterday and Trump destroyed the GOP field. I was amused at Hillary's losing speech as she immediately began pandering to the poor and minorities of South Carolina, including gays. But exit polls show most voters found Hillary untrustworthy.

While most democrats seem to vote in blocs, there's no doubt that a lot of people feel that Hillary is, indeed, untrustworthy. But it's too early to tell if she'll be able to elude the FBI investigation.

There's already rumors that republicans are desperately searching for a way to dump Trump. It seems that his ways don't jibe with the republican hierarchy.

Which brings me too the today's point. All politicians are liars and thieves.....

The News As I See It: During the Super Bowl, Quicken Loans debuted a new app that lets people get a mortgage instantly on their phones by just tapping the screen. The app is called, "What could possibly go wrong?"

Chris Christie, in a new interview, continued to criticize Marco Rubio for his performance in this weekend's debate and said Rubio is scripted and not spontaneous. To which Marco Rubio replied, "That's not true, comma. I speak from the heart, exclamation point."

Yesterday was the 100th anniversary of the New Hampshire primary. They've been doing this primary in New Hampshire since Bernie Sanders was 5 years old.

Bernie is very popular in New Hampshire. Hillary Clinton today spent the whole day quietly googling the words "life expectancy for old man in snowy weather."

This Date In History: 1763; Treaty of Paris signed, ending the French and Indian War. France ceded Canada and all its North American territories east of the Mississippi to Great Britain. 1837; Russian poet and novelist Alexander Pushkin was killed in a duel. 1840; Queen Victoria married Prince Albert.

1942; Glenn Miller received the first ever gold record for selling a million copies of "Chattanooga Choo Choo." 1962; The Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolph Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.

1967; The 25th Amendment was ratified, establishing presidential succession. 1996; IBM's computer, Deep Blue, beat the world chess champion, Garry Kasparov, in the first game of their match. 2005 Pulitzer Prize winning playwright Arthur Miller died.

Picture Of The Day: In spite of the growing amount of Bernie followers, being considered untrustworthy and the FBI investigation of classified material in her private emails, Hillary continues her beleaguered campaign

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between Obama, Congress and a federal prison is that one is filled with terrorists, tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. 2) A man was walking down the road and saw his Afghanistan neighbor Achmed standing on his second floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Achmed? Won't it start?" 3) Why do people say "needless to say"?

4) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... 5) The principle differences between an engineering student, a philosophy student and a fine arts student is that the engineering student asks,"How and why?" and the fine arts and philosophy students ask, "Do you want fries with that?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 10th: (Your horoscope for today has been checked for problems, but we found none. Our engineers are working on it.) The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is: "Non semper inquisit damascus aroooooof". Ok, there's a little bit of dog language mixed in, as well. Nice and butch is how you like it, but you might want to play it down in certain circumstances, especially around women who slow dance together.

Birthdays: Jimmy Durante, comedian, actor 1893, John F. Enders, bacteriologist 1897, Bertolt Brecht, dramatist 1898, Leontyne Price, opera singer 1927, Robert Wagner, actor 1930, Roberta Flack, singer, songwriter 1939, Peter Allen, singer, songwriter 1944, Mark Spitz, swimmer 1950, Laura Dern, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse."

The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !" The priest says, " I can see that and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

My father walked six miles a day, barefoot through snow, uphill both ways, to get to school. At least that's what he told me the first time I complained about walking a half mile to school.

Years later, my friend, who had recently undergone a colonoscopy, was telling Dad about the pain and pressure that he felt while the camera was in "Neverland".

Dad told him that, back in the day, his colonoscopy was done by a sketch artist.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Wally, for his contributions to today's stories.

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.

Two girlfriends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, but she said, “You killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!” She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

Hillary asked, "What happened to you?" The driver replied, "Well, the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me. All I did was step inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, although you may think that Deja Vu is when you're doing something you've done before, it's really that God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Monday, February 8, 2016

Super Bowl 50 ~ Denver 24 Carolina 10

Defense decided the outcome of Super Bowl 50. Both quarterbacks performed somewhat well against strong defenses, but to no avail. The bonehead of the game was Aqib Talib, whose two stupid penalties and thug-like tactics almost cost the Broncos the game.

Von Miller dominated the AFC Championship game with 2 ½ sacks and a huge interception of Tom Brady. He was just as dominant in the Super Bowl with another 2 ½ sacks, including two forced fumbles that set up the Broncos’ two touchdowns. Miller was the clear choice as the Super Bowl MVP. He was just the fourth linebacker to win the award.

One of two Aqib Talib's unnecessary penalties, this one for grabbing the face mask after the receiver beat him.

Cam Newton finished just 18 for 41 for 265 yards and three turnovers. Newton’s receivers didn’t do him any favors, but he overthrew a bunch of passes and curiously pulled away from trying to recover his own key fourth quarter fumble.

Newton also sulked through his post game press conference and walked out in the middle of it. His lack of sportsmanship showed on and off the field.

Peyton Manning, now a 2 time super bowl champ, became the first player to play 200 games. Peyton's character and class shown both on and off the field. Rather than be a "it's all about me" player, he continually praised other players and coaches on their performance.

The game was hardly a masterpiece with the teams combining for 15 punts and six turnovers. They converted only four out of 29 third downs and it was only the fourth Super Bowl ever not to feature a touchdown pass.

I didn't care too much for the half-time show as I am not a fan of any of the participants. Lady Gaga's rendition of the national anthem was superb.

The bottom line? Football is over and the Nascar season begins next Saturday.....

Cam Newton was manhandled by the Broncos' defense

The News As I See It: At a CNN town hall debate for the democrats, Hillary Clinton said that during her time in the White House, she would actually put on a baseball cap and sunglasses so she could walk around Washington, D.C., unnoticed. The only time it went wrong was when Bill pulled up and said, "Hey baby, do you — oh, never mind."

At the MSNBC democratic debate, Hillary addressed the controversy of her personal email server and said she has "no concerns about it whatsoever." Democrats were like, "yeah, that's what concerns us."

Hillary also told Bernie Sanders that it's time for his campaign to "end the very artful smear" against her. Incidentally, "very artful smear" is also how Bernie orders a bagel. "Gimme a whole wheat with a very artful schmear of veggie cream cheese!"

The newest issue of Playboy does not feature any full-frontal nudity and instead focuses on social media. So be sure to pick up the final issue of Playboy.

This Date In History: 1587; Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded. 1693; College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Va., received its charter, becoming the second institution of higher learning in the United States. 1870; The National Weather Service was established under the U.S. Army Signal Corps.

1904; The Russo-Japanese war began when the Japanese launched a surprise attack on the Russian fleet at Port Arthur in northeast China. 1915; D. W. Griffith's controversial epic, The Birth of a Nation premiered in Los Angeles.

1924; The gas chamber was used for the first time as a method of execution in the United States. Gangster Gee Jon was put to death at the Nevada State Prison in Carson City.

1960; The payola (pay for broadcast airplay) hearings opened in the U.S. House of Representatives. Dick Clark would testify in April. 1980; President Jimmy Carter revealed his plan to reinstate selective service draft registration.

Picture Of The Day: Peyton Manning, a class act !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was eight, I saw a picture of myself in one of those strollers for twins. I asked Dad why there were two seats in the stroller. He said I used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.  2) Americans and Britons have different ways of saying things. They say "lift", we say "elevator". They say "President", we say "Liberal narcissist asshole". 3) I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. 4) Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart breaks the tedium when I have to shop there. 5) My friend said to me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." I said, "Really? What kind is it?" He said, "Twelve-thirty.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 8th: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. This year looks like it's going to be a great one. Full of vigorous situations, sweaty encounters and trysts in mysterious places.

Birthdays: William Tecumseh Sherman, American General 1820, Jules Verne, novelist 1828, Kate Chopin, author 1851, Martin Buber, philosopher 1878, Dame Edith Evans, actress 1888, Elizabeth Bishop, poet 1911, Lana Turner, actress 1920, Jack Lemmon, actor 1925, James Dean, actor 1931, John Williams, composer, conductor 1932, Nick Nolte, actor 1940, John Grisham, novelist 1955, Gary Coleman, actor 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm and let it go in the morning?" He says, "Okay, get in the car with it"

His wife asked, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there." She asked, "But what about the smell?" The man replied, "Just hold its little nose." (The man is expected to recover in two or three days.)

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking drifter who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" The drifter said, "No, I stopped drinking years ago.

The man asked, "Will you use it to gamble?" The drifter replied, "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." The man questioned, "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" The drifter answered, "Are you nuts?! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The drifter was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals, Jack and Wally, for their contributions to today's stories

A man went to see a movie the other night and sat in an aisle seat as he usually does because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out,"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to him, he was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so he said, "Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?" She said in a loud whisper, "No, the 'turn off your cell phone please' message just flashed up on the screen and I left mine in the car."

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" Her Mom says, "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

Susan said, "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." Her Mom replied. "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?" Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

Mom complains, "Honey, you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

That's it for today, my little sweet potatoes. Remember, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, February 5, 2016

The 2016 Class Of Lying Politicians

I don't know if I can handle all the political ads until November. I don't like the candidates in either party and every TV ad is typical lies and name calling. The only thing that I look forward to is Obama leaving office. How bad could the next president be?

After eight years of Bush and eight years of Obama, one would think that a new bright star with no agenda would appear on the horizon. Unfortunately, one would be wrong.

Every Political Speech: "My Fellow Americans: My name is Lying Politician and I'm a candidate for (president, congress, mayor, city council, dog catcher....whatever). My opponent, Thieving Politician, is a wife beater, communist, socialist, drunkard and car thief. If elected, I will cut your taxes, stop the war, buy you a car, send your children to college and mow your lawn. Please vote for me in November."

The News As I See It: Hussein Obama recently made his first visit to a mosque while in office. He visited a mosque! Which means he’s officially entered the last phase of his presidency known as, "Screw America, these are my people."

In Iowa, after receiving less than one percent support in the caucuses, Martin O'Malley suspended his presidential campaign. In a related story, the New York Jets have announced that they've decided to not play in the Super Bowl this weekend.

Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, and Rick Santorum have also decided to drop out of the race. Which explains Jeb Bush’s new campaign slogan, "I can’t take a hint."

Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton were named the winners of Monday’s Iowa caucuses. Cruz celebrated by giving a speech to his supporters and Hillary celebrated by moving her stuff into the White House.

Bernie Sanders says his campaign is trying to appeal now to senior citizens. The problem is, every time Bernie says, "Feel the Bern," the seniors think he’s talking about acid reflux.

This Date In History: 1811; After George III was declared insane, the Prince of Wales became Prince Regent of England, and later George IV. 1917; Congress passed the Immigration Act, which restricted Asian immigration, over President Wilson's veto.

1917; Mexico adopted its present constitution. 1937; FDR proposed increasing the number of Supreme Court justices—"packing" the court. 1994; Byron De La Beckwith was sentenced to life in prison for the murder of Medgar Evers, 30 years after the crime in Jackson, Mississippi.

1997; Under international pressure, three of Switzerland's biggest banks created a fund worth 100 million Swiss francs for Holocaust victims and their families.

Picture Of The Day: His moving date is coming. I wonder if he'll move back to Chicago?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Bill Clinton attempted to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison. 2) Sometimes I'm right. Other times my girlfriend is close enough to hear what I'm saying. 3) (Police): "Where were you between 5 and 6?" (Me): "Kindergarten." 4) You've never truly appreciated Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while sitting on the toilet. 5) My girlfriend is at her classiest when, during a romantic interlude, I rip off her bra off and cookie crumbs fall out.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 5th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.

Birthdays: Sir Robert Peel, statesman 1788, Dwight L. Moody, evangelist 1837, Belle Starr, outlaw 1848, Adlai Stevenson, American Statesman 1900, Norton Simon, food industry executive, art collector 1907, Hank Aaron, baseball player 1934, Jennifer Jason Leigh, actress 1962, Jeremy Sumpter, actor 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just keeps trying and won't take no for an answer.

The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't."

This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."

Scenario: A man is walking down the streets of Washington, D.C. with his wife and two small children. Suddenly, a thug with a huge knife comes around the corner and charges him. The man is carrying a Glock 45 and he is an expert shot. He has mere seconds before the thug reaches him and his family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?"

Conservative Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Southerner's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Click....(sounds of reloading). Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Click.... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

That's it for today, my little brussel sprouts. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Ice Cream Man

When I was a child in the 50s, no matter what you were doing, the familiar sound of the "ice cream man" caused pandemonium as we scurried to find money (or beg Mom) to buy a Popsicle or Fudgesicle. You could hear him from two blocks away.

Some of the early ice cream men pedaled bicycle carts and some had trucks. Either way, you knew who it was by their particular ring or sound.

The more fortunate kids could buy two Popsicles and even the prized Creamcycle or Dreamcycle, the difference being that that the Creamcycle had ice cream in the middle and the Dreamcycle had ice milk. My senior readers may have to explain what "Ice Milk" is to the younger readers.

The good thing about Popsicles was that it came on two sticks. If you were lucky and the Popsicle broke apart properly, you could share you flavor with someone with a different flavor. The two stick Popsicle idea was born during the Great Depression era for just that reason.

The History:

In 1905 in Oakland, 11-year-old Frank Epperson was mixing a white powdered flavoring for soda and water out on the porch. He left it there, with a stirring stick still in it.

That night, temperatures reached a record low, and the next morning, the boy discovered the drink had frozen to the stick, inspiring the idea of a fruit-flavored "Popsicle".

In 1922, he introduced the frozen treat at a fireman's ball. It was a sensation. In 1923, Epperson sold the frozen pop on a stick to the public at Neptune Beach, an amusement park in Alameda, California.

Seeing that it was a success, in 1924 Epperson applied for a patent for his "frozen confectionery" which he called "the Epsicle ice pop".

He renamed it to "Pop's Sicle" or Popsicle, allegedly at the insistence of his children. It was originally available in seven flavors and marketed as a "frozen drink on a stick."

The form is unique, with a wooden stick going through the ice to create a handle. The stick became as well known as the treat, commonly used as a craft-stick for craft projects by children and adults.

In 1925, Epperson sold the rights to the Popsicle to the Joe Lowe Company of New York. The Lowe Co. went on to catapult Epperson's invention to national success.

During the Great Depression, the company debuted the two-stick version of the Popsicle to help consumers stretch their dollar — the duo sold for 5 cents.

The giant food corporation Unilever scooped up the Popsicle brand in 1989, expanding the brand beyond its original fruity flavors. It also bought Good Humor, ending the feud between the two icy competitors.

In June 2006, Popsicles with "natural flavors and colors" were introduced, replacing the original versions in some cases.

The News As I See It: The Bernie Sanders campaign is demanding proof that Hillary Clinton beat him in yesterday’s Iowa caucus. Today Hillary said, "Sure, let me check my server." Sanders lost the Iowa Caucus by .03%. In other words, Bernie would have won if six stoners had managed to get off the couch.

Marco Rubio’s inner circle say their boss benefited from the Trump-Cruz fight because, "Marco is everyone’s second choice." That explains Rubio’s new campaign slogan, "I’m the Least Worst." Third is actually pretty good considering the fact that most Iowa voters think that Marco Rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool.

In a recent survey, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm, Brut, show that 76% of Chicago residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 24% say they hadn't been to prison.

The Iowa caucuses were an important part of our election process. There are a few key differences between a caucus and a primary election. The first one is, no one knows what a caucus is or how it works. The second one is, no one cares.

New Barbie dolls will now come in different sizes and with more realistic body types. Not only that, the new Ken dolls come with beer googles.

This Date In History: 1468; Johann Gutenberg, German printer and inventor, died. 1870; The 15th Amendment (black suffrage) passed. 1913; The 16th Amendment, establishing federal income tax, was ratified. 1917; The U.S. broke off diplomatic relations with Germany. 1959; Rock singers, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and Big Bopper died in a plane crash. 1995; Colonel Eileen Collins became the first woman to pilot the space shuttle when the Discovery blasted off. 1998; Texas executed Karla Faye Tucker, the first woman to be executed in the United States since 1984.

Picture Of The Day: One of the best things about Popsicles were the ice cream sticks. Considering the fact that few people had phones or television in the early 50s, the ice cream stick soon became a utile instrument that could be used in various way. Daily "inventions" by neighborhood kids soon taught us the value of saving your sticks, either for barter or creating a toy. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself. 2) My electric car is getting serviced, so they loaned me an acoustic one. 3) (Me): "What?! You said I could tie you up and do anything I want." (Her): "Well, where the hell have you been?" (Me): "Fishing."

4) Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name? 

5) I despise protesters who riot and loot stores and I'd like to see them shot on sight. Nowadays, to be politically correct, you can't call them looters. You have to call them undocumented shoppers. I'd still shoot 'em on sight, but in a politically correct manner.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 3rd: There's a relatively good chance that you will stumble across an opportunity this week and the advantages will be extraordinary. By the same token, don't take stumbling for granted. You remember what happened the last time you got up in the middle of the night and stepped on the cat's tail.

Birthdays: Felix Mendelssohn, composer 1809, Horace Greeley, newspaper editor and founder 1811, Elizabeth Blackwell, American Physician 1821, Gertrude Stein, author 1874, Norman Rockwell, illustrator 1894, Alvar Aalto, architect and furniture designer 1898, James Michener, author 1907, Joey Bishop comedian, actor 1918, Linda Wachner, industry executive 1946, J. Catherine Roberts, science teacher 1953, Isla Fisher, comedian, actor 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet.

The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane." The old man said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. The investigator says, "Simpson, you were near the scene, what happened?"

Simpson says, "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." The investigator, in stunned horror, exclaims, "He was smoking in the mixing room?" How long had he been with the company?" Simpson replied, "About 20 years, sir."

The investigator says, "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." Simpson replied, "It was, sir."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The woman went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover. The pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The woman replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size.

She warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, because they are so sour they make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, the reason that men chase women they have no intention of marrying is the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !