Monday, September 15, 2014

Jammin' With The REGS BAND At Woody's West End Tavern

My Friday AREA 51 adventures took me to Woody's Tavern to see my long time friend, Scotty Migone, who I have known since he was about 14 years old. Scotty is the talented lead-guitar player for The REGS BAND who performed at that evening.

I was also fortunate to be in the company of my friends Luly, husband Paul, and Debbie. Although it's been a while since I've listened to the REGS BAND live, they never disappoint me and their performance was outstanding.

The inimitable recording artist Scotty Migone

I arrived later than intended, forgetting the fact that the Florida East Coast railway subscribes to my GPS position and makes sure that we always cross paths. I think they stop the train and wait for me, to make sure I get to count every train car ever created. They even go out of their way to back up a half mile or so, in case I lose my count. Fortunately, my friends had a table close to the band and had saved me a seat.

We were lucky to have good weather as the venue is outdoors and, although it has a roof, the damn thing leaks when it rains.

Well, the night went on and I was really enjoying the music when my pal, Johnnie Walker Black, thought it would be a good idea to sit in with the band. Fortunately, Scotty knew the song I had in mind so.....I sat in. Onstage, I realized the key was too low for me, so I asked Scotty to change the key.

After a bit of fumbling, I got in sync with the band and we finished fairly strong. Sitting in with a live band and performing an unrehearsed number is no piece of cake, but when you're playing with pros, it doesn't take long to get on track.

After the last set, I got to spend time with Scotty, the band, and another old friend, Danny. In music, timing is everything and right after the set, there was a brief, but heavy thunderstorm. Just enough to cool the evening.....

The News As I See It: Obama recently announced that the U.S. will lead a huge multinational coalition to fight the terror groups in Iraq. Of course, most people just turned it off because they thought it was a rerun. In his big speech, he outlined his plan to quote "degrade and ultimately destroy" the terror group ISIS. When asked how, he said, "I’ll build their website."

British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote "no" on leaving the U.K. He said, “It's never worked out for anyone....well, except for America, Canada, Australia, India, and....never mind!

Obama announced in his speech the other night that he's sending 475 military advisers to Iraq. He's also sending 475 military advisers to the NFL. In his speech he also announced that he's counting on the support of an international coalition. Right now, we can't get the support of the International House of Pancakes.

When asked about the more than 1,000 US soldiers in Iraq, he replied, "They are advisers, not 'boots on the ground'. Besides, they don't count, they're wearing hush-puppies."

You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al-Qaida. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than al-Qaida. So now, next Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.

This Date In History: 1789; The U.S. Department of Foreign Affairs changed its name to the Department of State. 1821; Costa Rica, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, and El Salvador gained independence. 1835; Charles Darwin and the HMS Beagle reached the Galapagos Islands.

1917; Alexander Kerensky proclaimed Russia a republic. 1935; The Nuremberg Laws deprived Jews of their citizenship and made the Swastika the official emblem of Nazi Germany. 1963; A church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama, killed four young black girls.

1989; Pulitzer Prize-winning author Robert Penn Warren, the first poet laureate of the United States, died. 2004; The National Hockey League lockout began. The 2004-2005 season would ultimately be canceled.

Picture Of The Day: A great night of fun with good friends and listening to the REGS BAND at Woody's Tavern in Miami Springs.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm far less concerned with who let it out. I'm more curious as to why the damned cat was in the bag in the first place? 2) A murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins.....a herpe of Kardashians. 3) I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences. 4) I'm not saying that her pants were too tight. I'm just saying that they wont fit if she misses a day of shaving her legs. 5) According to my Google history, I spent most of last Saturday night drinking scotch and trying to buy a llama.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - September 15th: "Pride goeth before the fall." This never happens if you remember the number one rule when socializing: "When in doubt, use the bar stool as a walker." Hit the wine slowly 'cause you know how you get. No chance of rain and a good chance of romance, especially if you finish the wine. Your choice of shoes may affect the evening.

Birthdays: My high school friend Gene and my former secretary and cherished friend Miriam - Happy Birthday 19XX, François de La Rochefoucauld, writer 1613, James Fenimore Cooper, American novelist 1789,  William Howard Taft, 27th president of the United States 1857, Bruno Walter, conductor 1876, Agatha Christie, story writer 1890, Jean Renoir, film director, writer 1894, Oliver Stone, filmmaker 1946, Dan Marino, NFL quarterback 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older professor concluded his lecture on "The Art of Observation" with a note of caution, "You don’t want to try these techniques at home." Somebody from the audience asked, "Why not?"

The old man said, "I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'"

The person in the audience asked, "Did it save time?" The old man said, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his ass.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new face. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" He replied, "My darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Carole for her contribution to today's stories.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I’m going to take a piss." The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie answers, "I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute." The teacher says, "That’s much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

Little Johnny says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend who I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said to the janitor, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest one said, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked, "What do you think that means?" The oldest boy replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

That's it for today, my little aardvarks. Remember, do not worry about global warming and social security. The real crisis is the day elderly people learn how to text while driving.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, September 12, 2014

Jay Carney Joins CNN - A Perfect Match

Jay Carney, the little weasel who was Obama's press secretary has signed with CNN. Carney spent the last six years becoming very comfortable in front of a small group of 70-80 people, most of whom completely agreed with him, so he's perfect for CNN. That's about same audience he'll have there.

Evidently, the position of White House press secretary is CNN's intern program. Carney is one of many Obama officials to get jobs in the media once they leave the White House. He's also about the zillionth White House press secretary to make that move.

Carney's move into punditry was widely assumed. A New York Times interviewer once asked him, "Now that you’re leaving your job as White House press secretary, do you know which cable news network you’re going to be a pundit for?"

The spin masters embrace.....

The News As I See It: New York Governor Andrew Cuomo won the Democratic primary after a close race against an opponent named Zephyr Teachout. I know what you're thinking: Is Zypher Teachout a man or a woman? The answer is.....probably.

A truck in San Diego overturned and spilled thousands of oranges on a highway. It marked the first time in 20 years people in California were yelling, "Look out! OJ is on the highway."

Obama made a prime-time speech Wednesday night about how we're going to deal with violent extremists and their sickening behavior. Then, he quit talking about the NFL and talked about dealing with ISOL. Obama is getting tough with ISOL. I think he's going to force them to sell their NBA team.

The NFL is coming under a lot of fire. It came out that law enforcement sent a copy of the Ray Rice video to NFL headquarters back in April. The NFL commissioner apologized, saying the video got buried in the stack of other illegal things NFL players are doing.

Two 90-year-old lesbians got married in Iowa. Pictures of the happy lesbian couple haven't been made public, but if you see 90-year-old lesbians in Iowa, odds are it's them.

It’s been discovered that a healthy 24-year-old woman in China has lived her whole life without a major part of her brain. Scientists are calling her "the lost Kardashian."

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson began his exploration of the Hudson River. 1953; Future President John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier. 1977; South African black civil rights leader Steven Biko died while in police custody.

1992; Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first black woman in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour. 1999; Indonesia announced it would allow an international peacekeeping force to restore order to East Timor.

Picture Of The Day: Some of the many morons who wore Ray Rice's jersey at last night's Baltimore Ravens game against the Pittsurgh Steelers. This, despite the recent release of the video of Rice knocking out his then-girlfriend in an Atlantic City casino elevator. Pure class.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, velcro, visa. I came, I saw, I stuck around and did a little shopping. 2) My ex-wife went shopping for feminine protection. She decided on a thirty eight revolver. 3) Monday is "Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." 4) I never knew why my father spent so much time in the garage until I got married. 3) 5) I don't care if you're a master carpenter, you never realize how big nine centimeters really is until you've observed your wife giving birth.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - September 12th: Fridays are a great day of the week for a party. You can get semi-blitzed tonight at happy hour as you and your co-workers celebrate and still look forward to a rousing weekend bash. A word of caution.....avoid over medicating because you'll need those drugs to go to work Saturday. The possibility of romance is 67 percent. Then again, I said romance not sex, so don't get your hopes up.

Birthdays: My friend Nury - Happy Birthday sweetie! 19XX, Richard Jordan Gatling, inventor of the Gatling gun 1818, Mary Ann Dyer Goodnight, philanthropist 1839, Henry Louis Mencken, editor, author and critic 1880, Maurice Chevalier, singer and film actor 1888, Ben Shahn, painter 1898, Jesse Owens, track star 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Diane and Mike were going through a messy divorce when Mike died suddenly one day. Dianne was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.

Dianne asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Dianne then said, "I want the obituary to read, "Mike Is Dead".

The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket." Diane's face lit up and she replied, "Great! I want it to read, "Mike Is Dead - Boat For Sale."

An older woman was shopping at the local supermarket. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Royal Castle - Hialeah, Florida - Early '60s. A big part of my life - Three hamburgers and a birch beer - 50 cents. More on this in a future post.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy said, "My Father is better than your Father!" Johnny declared, "No, he's not!"

Johnny then responded. "My brother is better than your brother!" Billy said, "He is not! He is not!" Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!"

A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess 'ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once."

 A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will make them go blind."

An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

That's it for today, my little sugar beets. Remember, in an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

I Think I May Need Professional Help !

Why? Because I'm an ice cream whore. I don't where I went wrong. My parents always taught me right from wrong and always bought generic neopolitan ice milk on payday. But I was never satisfied. Noooo! I wanted more....!

I moved from generic ice cream to the name brands of the day, mainly Bryers. They had exotic flavors and I was happy. But then someone came along with even better, more expensive, ice cream like Haagen Dazs and Ben and Jerrys. That's when I knew I had sunk to the lowest level.

Today was the day that I decided that I might need professional help. You might ask, "Why, Jimmy, why....." Why? I'll tell you why.....!

Tomorrow is grocery shopping day. I looked into my freezer today and I had two rib eye steaks, some hot dogs and six containers of ice cream (Four assorted pints of Ben and Jerry's and two half gallons of Edy's slow churned on sale BOGO). How sad is that? Almost no meat, protein...protein I say, and six containers of ice cream!

I'm making my grocery list for tomorrow. Of course, I'll be buying steak and chicken. I'll be buying dairy products and eggs. I'll stop by the deli for Boarshead sandwich meats and potato salad. I'm buying beer and wine. But I also find myself going through the weekly Publix flyer with an eye open for sales on.....yep, Haagen-Dazs ice cream!

Alas, it's really too late in life to change my wicked ways. I'll just have to live with the knowledge that I'm an ice cream whore. Oh.....and I'm also a lesbian.

The News As I See It: The new iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus (as in "plus another $100") came out yesterday. It's the iPhone 6 because that's how many minutes the battery will last. At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.

Prince William and his bride are expecting her second baby. That's pretty quick for Kate to have a second baby. It's almost as if producing an heir is her job. The royal couple had to keep Kate's pregnancy secret from the rest of the royal family and that wasn't easy because Prince Charles is all ears. It's too early to speculate on names, but my money is on "Prince Northwest."

Ray Rice, whose NFL contract was terminated by the Baltimore Ravens for knocking out his soon-to-be wife in an Atlantic City casino elevator, is being removed from the "Madden 15" video game. A spokesperson said violence against women doesn't belong in “Madden 15.” It belongs in "Grand Theft Auto."

An English-speaking man went into a coma and came out speaking only Mandarin Chinese. On the bright side, at least he can find work.

This Date In History: 1813; Oliver H. Perry sent his famous message, "We have met the enemy, and they are ours," after defeating the British in the Battle of Lake Erie in the War of 1812. 1846; Elias Howe of Massachusetts received a patent for his sewing machine.

1939; Canada declared war on Germany, entering WWII. 1963; Twenty black students entered public schools in Birmingham, Mobile and Tuskegee, Alabama, after President John F. Kennedy sent National Guardsman to end the standoff with Alabama Governor George Wallace.

1988; Steffi Graf achieved tennis' first Grand Slam since Margaret Court in 1970 by winning the U.S. Open women's final. 2002; Switzerland became the 190th member of the United Nations.

Picture Of The Day: Kiwi fruit, raspberry, strawberry, cherry and orange on a bed of vanilla bean ice cream.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As a child, my parent's menu consisted of two choices - take it or leave it. 2) God has a sense of humor. I can see him thinking: "I think I'll give mankind fingernails in case they have an itch, but I think it will be funny to put one spot on their backs that they can't reach."

3) My Masseuse read "Cinderella" to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending! 4) The drivers-education class in my high school only used the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed class used it.

5) If the inventor of the cellphone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is a cellphone battery.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - September 10th: Stress may contribute to your foul mood today but do not fret as I may have a solution. Sex is probably the best stress reliever known to mankind. Beware, though, as I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be one hundred percent sure.

Birthdays: My friends, drag racing champion Darrell Gwynn and my bother-in-law Tony - Happy Birthday 19XX, William Torrey Harris, educator and philosopher 1835, Elsa Schiaparelli, fashion designer 1890, Arnold Palmer, golfer 1929, Charles Kuralt, television news reporter 1934, Roger Maris, baseball player 1934, Stephen Jay Gould, paleontologist and science writer 1941, Amy Irving, actress 1953, Colin Firth, actor 1960, Randy Johnson, baseball player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary gear together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."

A middle-aged man met an older woman at a bar one night. She was rather attractive for her age and they drank and shot the bull for quite a while. Then, she asked the man if he ever had a mother and daughter threesome? The man said no.

They drank a bit more, then she said, "Tonight is your lucky night." They went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar, sees him and says, "Murray, I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you drink like this before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend, Morris." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

His friend says, "But, I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles and then slurs, "Not anymore! Morris is!"

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy....." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat and then Daddy....."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing and laying down on the seat.

Then Little Johnny says, ".....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

That's it for today, my little hula hoops. Remember, the universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons. Beware of the latter. I'm going over to AREA 51 for a little rest and recreation.....mostly recreation.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, September 8, 2014

NFL: Dolphins Win - Baltimore Ravens Terminate Ray Rice

The NFL season is here. The Miami Dolphins struggled early, but came back in the second half to win. The big news today is that Ray Rice was terminated by the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the NFL after a video was released that appears to show the running back striking his then-fiancee in February.

The grainy video, released by TMZ Sports, apparently shows Rice and Janay Palmer in an elevator at an Atlantic City casino. Each hits the other before Rice knocks Palmer off her feet and into a railing.

An earlier TMZ video showed Rice dragging Palmer, now his wife, from the elevator at the Revel casino, which closed September 2nd. The Ravens said earlier Monday that they never saw the new video.

Hours later, they sent out a one-sentence release: "The Baltimore Ravens terminated the contract of RB Ray Rice this afternoon."

Crime in the NFl  continues. A guy who plays for the Broncos, Wes Welker, has been suspended for four games for taking drugs at the Kentucky Derby. He finished sixth.

A glitch in the John Madden NFL game accidentally created a player who is 1 foot tall. Another glitch accidentally created an NFL player with no criminal record.

A new report out of Chicago reveals that the crime rate plummets during an NFL game, mainly because most of the criminals are either watching the game on TV or playing on the field.

Miami's 33-20 win over New England was sweet, but if they continue to fumble like they did Sunday, they will have problems. Maybe they should practice running carrying Nike shoes. Yep, the NFL season has arrived.....

The News As I See It: The White House has decided not to send Obama to campaign in battleground states because his low approval ratings could hurt Democrats. They’re sending him where he can’t do any damage or as it’s also known, "The Biden Circuit."

Prince Charles adopted a puppy. He has floppy ears and a big snout. I don’t know what the puppy looks like.

Obama says he won't be making any more public speeches in Texas. He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some South Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him.

This Date In History: 1900; A hurricane struck Galveston, Texas, killing about 8,000 people. 1935; Louisiana Senator Huey P. Long, "The Kingfish," was shot and mortally wounded by Dr. Carl Austin Weiss, Jr.

1951; The San Francisco Peace Treaty was signed, formally ending World War II hostilities with Japan. 1952; Ernest Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea was published. 1966; Star Trek premiered on television.

1974; President Gerald Ford gave former President Nixon a full pardon for all federal crimes he may have committed while he was in office. 1998; Mark McGwire's 62nd home run broke Roger Maris' record of 61 homers set in 1961.

Picture Of The Day: One of my favorite works of nature, the elusive owlcat, whose distinct call is unmistakable... "Meow, meow meow!" "Whoo?" "Meow, meow, meow!!" "Whoo??" "Meow, meow, me....ah, forget it!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I tried out one of those Tempur-Pedic mattresses. The salesgirl asked me if I had ever slept on one before and I said yes. She asked me what my sleep position was and I said, "Normally, it's missionary." 2) I once saw six men beating up my ex-mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough."

3) It's been said that only women gossip. That's not exactly true. How do you think guys and their buddies keep track of who's easy? 4) I once dated a blonde girl who thought "innuendo" was an Italian suppository. 5) My ex-wife always made sure to include something every day from the four basic food groups: canned, frozen, fast and takeout.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - September 8th: Romance is in the air today, just north of Kansas City. If you don't happen to be near Kansas City, then chances are you're going to strike out. However, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet!

Birthdays: Richard I, king of England (1189-99); third son of Henry II and Eleanor of Aquitaine 1157, Antonín Dvorák, composer 1841, Sid Caesar, comedian 1922, Peter Sellers, actor 1925, Patsy Cline, country singer 1932, Ann Beattie, writer 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On a hot, dusty day, a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing and asked, "Whudd'ya do that fer?"

The cowboy said, "I got chapped lips." The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row.

The official asked, "What's the trouble here?" One of the men replied, "My partner has had a stroke and these two bastards want to add it to my score."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde pushes her new Mercedes Benz into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says to the mechanic, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Joyce, Maria and Rachel haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Joyce arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Maria arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Joyce in a glass of wine. Then, Rachel walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Joyce explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton, she met and married Ted, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Ted is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Maria relates that she graduated from the University of Miami and became a surgeon. Her husband, Carlos, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Rachel explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jack. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jack can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Joyce blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Maria, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Carlos are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Rachel admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

That's it for today, my little kidney beans. Remember, lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, September 5, 2014

Rest In Peace Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers passed away yesterday after her daughter Melissa took her off life support. Ms. Rivers stopped breathing during a "normal" throat procedure last week and apparently, the lack of oxygen to her brain while awaiting help was her demise.

There will be many accolades, regrets and condolences, mine being one of them, but I have to recount one of her most memorable lines that struck me as funny:

"I hated childbirth, that's why I only had one child. I would have liked to have had my children in a litter. Have all the kids at once! Put some papers down in a closet, give birth, keep the ones you like and sell off the runt."

Rest in peace, Joan.....

Common Core is probably one of the most useless organizations I have never seen. Besides the fact that it's another intrusion by big government into our personal lives, the logic, especially math, is made too complex for young children.

Their version of history is often changed to suit their political needs and, in some states, English is taught as a secondary language.

Common Core is set up in such a way that it can hardly be called voluntary. The Obama administration's grant program offers “Race to the Top” federal educational grants – which come from stimulus funds - to states if their school systems adopt preferred Obama policies like Common Core. States that adopt Common Core receive higher "scoring" from the Obama administration in their grant applications.

As a result of this coercion, only Nebraska, Alaska, Texas, Virginia and Minnesota have not adopted Common Core. Minnesota adopted the language arts standards but kept its own math standards. There is no evidence that the curriculum works, and it will destroy innovation among the states.

Obama is attending a NATO summit in Wales this week with 67 other world leaders. Obama said that ISIS can be shrunk to "a manageable problem" if the international community works to “isolate” it.

Manageable? What an idiot! He’s trying to project strength and he comes up with this off-the-cuff remark? This is what happens when you take away a prepared speech and a teleprompter from a basketball  player.

The News As I See It: CVS drug stores announced that the corporation is changing itself to CVS Health and they're no longer selling cigarettes. They estimate the company will lose about $2 billion this year because they're no longer selling cigarettes. It is part of their customer health focus. Of course, you'll still be able to buy all the candy, soft drinks, crash diet drugs, beer and wine you want.

Competitors have no plans to follow suit. They understand the consequences of smoking and they also understand the wonderful consequences of making $2 billion a year. If CVS really wants to demonstrate a commitment to health and wellness, get rid of the automatic doors. If you can't push a door open you are not allowed to buy a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew.

Los Angeles is considering a new plan to boost the city’s minimum wage to $13.25 an hour. It’s getting huge support across the entire country.....of Mexico.

Apple plans to launch a mobile wallet to replace credit cards. That's good because if there's one company you want to trust with your money, it's the company that leaked your nude photos.

A glitch in the John Madden NFL game has accidentally created a player who is 1 foot tall. Another glitch accidentally created an NFL player with no criminal record.

Five geckos sent into space as part of an experiment have all died. On the bright side, they were able to save 15 percent on their car insurance.

Vanna White from Wheel Of Fortune, has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since last Friday.

This Date In History: 1698; Russia's Peter the Great levied a tax on bearded men. 1774; The first Continental Congress met in Philadelphia. 1836; The Republic of Texas made military hero Sam Houston its first president.

1905; The Treaty of Portsmouth, which ended the Russo-Japanese War, was signed at the Portsmouth naval base in New Hampshire. 1972; Palestinian guerrillas killed 11 Israelis at the Munich Summer Olympics.

1997; Humanitarian Mother Teresa, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor, died in Calcutta, India, at age 87.

Picture Of The Day: Yep, I could live there.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One of my lady friends went with me to the mall and I used the new valet parking. She said, "Valet parking! You are so sweet!" I told her, "Yep, and besides that, the valet always remembers where I parked my car." 2) It isn't until your kids start talking back that you realize a dog or cat would've been a better option.

3) Hey, you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone! 4) My thirty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $100 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. 5) The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost.".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - September 5th: Your vision will remain good and won't fail as long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. You may think later this month that your computer has been hacked, however, you will soon come to realize that the family pet has chewed through the cord of your mouse.

Birthdays: My friends Jocelyn and Lounet - Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, Louis XIV, king of France (1643–1715), son and successor of King Louis XIII 1638, Jesse James, outlaw 1847, Mrs. H. H. A. Beach, composer and pianist 1867, Darryl F. Zanuck, producer 1902, Arthur Koestler, writer 1905, John Cage, composer 1912, Bob Newhart, comedian 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bubba Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bubba Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them."

Dewey then asks. "What the hell did you do?" Bubba Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"

Dewey says, "That's not against the law." Bubba Ray says, "That's what I thought too, but those guys at Home Depot didn't see it that way!"

Two good 'ole boys from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minute, he turned to leave.

The reporter approached him and said, "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" The man replied, "Murray Lipschitz." She asked, "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" The old man said, "For about 60 years."

The reporter said, "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" The old man said, "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults."

The reporter asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" The old man replies, "Like I'm talking to a f*ckin' wall."

When Jesus went to Heaven, the first thing he did was look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looks like. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter, "Where is my father?" St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist ,"Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus says, "Who are you?" The old man says."Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son."

Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? Jesus says, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man says, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. He has holes in his hand where the nails used to be....."

Jesus shouts, "Father!!!" The old man yells, "Pinocchio!!!"

That's it for today, my little whipper snappers. Remember, everyone wants to save the earth, but nobody wants to help with the dishes. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !