Saturday, May 19, 2018

Harry And Meghan

This is yesterday's post, but I was waiting for messages to the Royals from my inside contact....Harry's best man and football team Captain. He toasted Harry and Meghan, "My apologies from the rest of the team. They couldn’t all be here today, good luck with Harry. We found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight."

He continued, "I do hope that you and Harry enjoy your honeymoon in Wales. I assume you’re going to Wales. When I asked harry his plans for after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight?

A lot of celebrities were at the royal wedding this today, like Serena Williams and the Spice Girls. But Yanni had to RSVP no. He said, "I think I got the invitation by mistake. This envelope was addressed to Laurel.

The News As I See It: IKEA's launching a new credit card that offers rewards and perks for frequent customers, but it is a bitch to put together!

This Date In History1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."

1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power. 1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years.

1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over. 2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse. 2004; Sonia Gandhi stunned her party, the Indian National Congress, by refusing to accept the prime ministership of India.

Picture Of The Day: Meghan and her mother

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was really sweating. 2) According to Webster's dictionary, Duckling means "little duck". As a result, I no longer eat dumplings. 3) Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song "Kokomo." 4) I wonder why women don't get a wax during an epidural? it's genius and there's a ton of time to kill anyway. 5) If you don't think learning to spell is important, order a fragrance using the word "colon" instead of "cologne" on Ebay.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 18th : Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. You think I made that up, don't you? I work my fingers to the bone looking for old sayings and reading the stars and this is the thanks I get? That's it! No soup for you!!!!

Birthdays: Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philosopher 1872, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope (1978–2005) 1920, Reggie Jackson baseball player 1946.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

The drunk mumbles, "Yessh! Ssomebody sstole my car." The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" The drunk replies, "It wasss on the end of thisshh key."

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian said, "I rubbed fine olive oil all over my wife, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman said, "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Englishman said, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" The Englishman replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." 

A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, May 4, 2018

Beware The Flying Cockroach

I read a joke on Facebook today about cockroaches and those who fear or dislike them. Personally, I like most critters, but I'd rather fight a bear than have an encounter with a big cockroach. Here in Florida, the common variety is called a palmetto bug and the damned things can fly.

I rarely see a bug in my home, but when I do, it's usually the 14 pound variety. The other day, I see my cat Scooter stalking something with Samantha (my other cat) seemingly aiding and abetting him.

Curious, I investigate the commotion and find a large cockroach casually crawling around the kitchen. Samantha hangs back as Scooter lightly pats and toys with the critter.

Irritated, I grab a paper towel to catch and remove it, but Scooter picks it up with his mouth and high-tails into the bedroom and under the bed. I have no intent to get on the floor and look for the roach because some are known to carry guns and knives.

I go back to the living room and sit down to plan how to resolve the matter. I look up to see Scooter exiting the bedroom, sans cockroach, which means the little bastard is still under the bed. Declining to back into the bedroom, I grab a beer and sit in my recliner opting to sleep there until the cats finally do the intruder in.

The next morning, having forgotten the whole incident, I go into the kitchen only to find the roach dead on his back and both cats sitting proudly beside their kill.

The News As I See It: A study reveals A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to exercise, lose weight, and not drink too much. To which all of America replied, "What else you got?"

Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.

The Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had Taco Bell yesterday and couldn’t get off of the couch.

There's a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can't manage chrysanthemum on the first try.

This Date In History: 1809; Mary Kies of South Killingly, Connecticut, became the first woman to be granted a patent. The patent was for the rights to a technique for weaving straw with silk and thread. 1821; Napoleon Bonaparte died on the island of St. Helena.

 1891; Carnegie Hall (then known as Music Hall) opened in New York City. Peter Tchaikovsky was the guest conductor. 1925;  John Scopes was arrested in Tennessee for teaching Darwinism. 1961; Alan Shepard became the first American in space.

1981:  Bobby Sands of the Irish Republican Army died in a prison hospital on the 66th day of his hunger strike. 2004; Pablo Picasso's "Boy with a Pipe" became the most expensive painting ever sold.

Picture Of The Day: Thoughts for consideration.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If growing up in the '60s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found that missing boy on the milk carton by now. 2) Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face. 3) I chaperoned my nephew's field trip to the farm today. Didn't lose any children, but this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home. 4) At this point, the only guy on the Internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince. 5) I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought. "These Taser guns are well worth the money.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 5th: The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light is a little bit blinding though, so you might want to duck out of the way when it gets within touching distance or possibly even turn around. But don't turn around for too long or the light will be gone. I'm pretty sure it's a light. I've discussed it with a other astrologers and it's either a light or a locomotive. Just in case, get out of the tunnel.

Birthdays: Soren Kierkegaard, philosopher and religious thinker  1813, Nellie Bly, journalist 1867, Tyrone Power, actor 1914, Arthur L Schawlow, physicist 1921, Tammy Wynette, country singer 1942, Adele, singer 1988.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A customer asked the clerk, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

He continued, "If I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Two men are talking and one man says to the other, "I went for my routine checkup today." His friend asked, "Is everything okay?" The man said, "Everything was going fine until he stuck his finger up my ass."

His friend smiled and said, "That's normal procedure." The man replied, "So you don't think I should change dentists?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump... Bump... Bump...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...

On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and (wait for it)....the coffin stops.

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Smelling of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window, handed it to the bartender and said, "I'd like to apply for the job."

He continued, "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy-hour, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

The seedy fighter-jockey staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. ''It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You' "he said. After a long drink from the beer, leaving it empty, he added, "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", then he excused himself and headed for the bathroom.

When he came out of the bathroom, the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours, but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" The old fighter pilot replied, "Know it? Hell, I wrote it!"

That's it for today, my little tinker toys Remember, livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, April 13, 2018

Under Fire: Sitting In The Big Boy's Seat

I don't know what pisses me off more - Cory Booker's ignorant questions to Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo or the babbling questions by Congressional morons to Mark Zuckerberg.

The amusing thing in the questioning of Zuckerberg (who bluffed or spun his way around most of the questions) was that he sat on a four-inch-thick cushion to boost his height during his Senate testimony.

Cory Booker, a presidential wannabe, was way out of line with his racial and sexual questioning and methinks he was just looking for TV time.

Meanwhile, Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey, wagged a finger at Pompeo about integrity. It hasn’t even been five months since a mistrial was declared in Menendez’s corruption trial, so many don’t see him as one who should be questioning the integrity of others.

The News As I See It: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg completed two days of his congressional testimony about security breaches. Things got a little tense when Zuckerberg referred to each senator by their PIN number. 

The city of Anchorage, Alaska, has voted down a bathroom bill that discriminates against transgendered people. Residents said, "You know, it’s so cold here in Alaska we can’t tell what genitals you have anyway." 

A 112-year-old-man in Japan was just named the world's oldest man. He's very happy. He said he'll remember this moment for the rest of this week.

This Date In History: 1598; The Edict of Nantes gave religious tolerance to the Huguenots in France. 1742; Handel’s Messiah was first publicly performed in Dublin, Ireland. 1964; Sidney Poitier became the first African American to win the Academy Award for best actor.

1970; Apollo 13 announced "Houston, we've got a problem," when an oxygen tank burst on the way to the Moon. 1975; Civil War began in Lebanon when gunmen killed 4 Christian Phalangists who retaliated by killing 27 Palestinians. 1997; Tiger Woods became the youngest person to win the Masters Tournament.

2994; Barry Bonds hit his 661st homer, passing Willie Mays to take third place on the lifetime list. 2012; Kwangmyŏngsŏng-3, a North Korean Earth observation satellite, exploded shortly after its launch. The U.S. and other countries called the launch a violation of United Nations Security Council rules.

Picture Of The Day: The mere idea of sitting in a padded chair cracks me up. It's tantamount to the proverbial "comb over".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Okay ladies, warm weather is here. Time to de-Sasquatch-ify your legs. 2) Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time love came to me, all the good shapes and sizes were taken. 3) If stupid was a disease, people would be dropping dead all over the place. 4) It gets scary when I start making the same noises that my coffee maker does. 5) We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - April 13th: The temperature will affect you this week in ways that I simply cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that requires the movement of clothing, either on or off, because it will be either hot or cold.....or possibly somewhere in between. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable today.

Birthdays: Thomas Jefferson, 3rd president of the United States  1743, Butch Cassidy, outlaw 1866, Samuel Beckett, playwright  1906, 1906 Eudora Welty, novelist 1909, Ben Nighthorse Campbell, U.S. senator 1933, Seamus Heaney, poet 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Libertarian."

The teacher asked him why he's a Libertarian. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Libertarian and my Dad's a Libertarian, so I'm a Libertarian."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan." 

During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps, "Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?" Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded, "We've found a very secure place and I'm certain they won't be found."

The reporter asked sarcastically, "And just where is that?" Mrs Sanders grinned sardonically and said, "They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records and his Selective Service registration. Next question?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Some of you may or may not be aware that as you get older, your brain occasionally goes on vacation without letting you know. You eventually learn from this. Then, when you suddenly find yourself wondering where you are and why are you're there, you don't panic.

Rather, you stand there for a moment or two and try to retrace you last known position hoping to recreate the thought you may or may not have had. Additionally, you learn not to wear your dazed and bewildered look as this can lead to having predators follow you like buzzards over a dying animal. It also stops other seniors near you from laughing or pointing at you.

Early signs of this malady usually begin with simple things like looking for five minutes for your glasses only to realize that they are on top of your head. Another frequent mishap is to go from room A to room B and upon arrival, not having the slightest idea of why you are there.

Occasional loss of thought and the innate inability to remember some one's name are a constant bother especially when you can remember the words to every song written since the beginning of time.

But fret not my little puppies. In order to reach this stage, you have to have lived a long, full life with beautiful memories and a lifetime of both good and bad memories, usually more of the former and less of the latter. The best part is that eventually, you'll be able to hide your own Easter eggs and meet new friends every day.....

That's it for today, my little chicklets Remember, If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, call them up later when you’re drunk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, April 6, 2018

Diversification Doesn't Change the Product

Television and it's commercials are driving me crazy. I have become accustomed to the rhetoric of the fake news media, but now I'm seeing a multitude of no-talent shows and commercials that seem to have an agenda with diversification...brainwashing, if you will.

Shows are becoming boring, non-scripted crapola about pawn brokers, deeps sea fishing, dirty jobs and the like. These a merely slot fillers where the networks can pay low salaries and still get in their tainted, left leaning commercials. Fortunately there are still a few good shows that are worth watching.

Commercials are slanted with unreal diversification. Apparently, no commercial can contain one group of people. Watch the commercials and you'll see a hodge podge of ethnicity. I have all kinds of friends, but I have never seen such a ridiculous combination of characters in any public setting. I don't really object to the characters, but I do reject the underlying attempt at brainwashing.

The entire feeble attempt at disguising the underlying attempt to push diversification in commercials reminds me of the Google logo. Both disgust me.

The News As I See It: The makers of Pokemon Go have announced that they will use the app to encourage and reward players for walking around and picking up garbage on Earth Day. While the makers of Tinder have ALWAYS encouraged people to pick up garbage.

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

My girlfriend and I went camping this weekend in her SUV and two raccoons got in the car. Long story short, if you see two coons speeding in a 2011 Jeep Cherokee, email me.

This Date In History: 1830; Joseph Smith and five others organized the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Fayette, New York. 1862; The Battle of Shiloh in the American Civil War began.

1896; First modern Olympic Games opened in Athens, Greece. 1909; Robert Peary and Matthew Henson became the first to reach the North Pole. 1917; U.S. declared war on Germany and entered World War I.

Picture Of The Day: One can dream, can't one?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I like to make shopping lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while at the store. It's a fun game. 2) A man started choking in the line at Wendy's today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register. 3) The waiter, I mean "barrista", said, "It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh." I said, "Ok, got it doo-shah." 4) If you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." 5) I caught a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 6th: Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and the slightest, even accidental, touch may cause you to wet yourself. Thank goodness for Depends, huh?

Birthdays: Raphael Santi, major Italian Renaissance painter 1493, James Mill, philosopher, economist and historian 1773, Anthony Fokker, aircraft manufacturer 1890, Andre Previn, conductor, composer and pianist 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some women were gathered and the subject of the conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic, so we can't use it." The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."

The other women asked, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" The woman replied, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

Bambi, a blonde in her third year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

During the process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny from the bedroom and placed it over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, March 30, 2018

"Roseanne" Viewers Top 18 Million

ABC Television executives finally learned that a different group of people live between Manhatten and Los Angeles as witnessed by the 18 million viewers who tuned into Roseanne Tuesday night.

The show is centered on a struggling Midwestern family, with Roseanne Barr, its star and co-creator, playing an unabashed Trump supporter who spars with her liberal sister, played by Laurie Metcalf. The show especially reverberated among heartland viewers.

The top markets for the debut read like a political pollster’s red-state checklist: Cincinnati; Kansas City, Tulsa. Liberal enclaves like New York and Los Angeles did not crack the top 20.

Some TV watchers are wondering if the successful reception will pave the way for the return of another show that highlights a conservative lead character: Tim Allen's "Last Man Standing," which was scraped from the TV schedule by ABC despite high ratings.

ABC claimed there was no room in the schedule for the comedy. Allen, like his character on the show, is a Republican, and many speculated the cancellation had something to do with the views expressed on-screen.

The News As I See It: Facebook announced major changes to its privacy settings. Apparently, they’re going to start having some. With so much ado about Facebook hacks, I think I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: "You are now friends with Benefits."

The Russian presidential election was recently held and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box and your Apple Watch is still attached to a hand. Putin was elected to his fourth term in office, handily beating his closest rival, a poisoned corpse.

Former FBI director, liar and leaker, James Comey’s memoir has already topped Amazon’s list of best-sellers, almost a month ahead of its release, due to pre-orders. You can find it in your local bookstore blocking Hillary Clinton’s book.

This Date In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War. 1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.

1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television. 1981; President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: This

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. 2) I have no tattoos or body piercings, however, I do have several scars from bite marks on my shoulders. 3) Saying it's McDonald's fault because your kids are fat is like saying it's Hooter's fault because your husband likes big tits. 4) I've always wondered why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5) I don't always whoop, but when I do.....There it is.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - March 30th: This weekend you're going to get a giddy feeling that will emotionally elevate you to heights you've never before dreamed of. The world will become your oyster, flowers will bloom in your presence, children will miraculously stop crying in your arms and dogs will quit yappin' after midnight except for that noisy little bastard that lives on the third floor balcony.

Birthdays: Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh, Dutch painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a members-only golf club when a naked man with a bag over his head jumps out from behind the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies are in total shock at the size of his manhood!

The first lady says, "Well, he definitely isn't my husband." The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He isn't my husband, either." The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club!"

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. Coroner: "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Vern: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Vern: "Was it a Titleist 3?" Coroner: "Yes, it was." Vern: "That was my mulligan."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.

The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."

Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.” She asks,“Where shall I put it to get it warm?” He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

His wife asks. “But what about the smell?” Her husband replied.“Just hold its little nose.” The man is recovering nicely and is expected to be discharged from the hospital in a few days.....

That's it for today, my little doodlebugs. Remember, the real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, January 12, 2018

The Civil War: Brothers Fighting Brothers

In the Civil War, sides were drawn by state politicians and the fighting began. Brother against brother, American versus American. Few soldiers knew why the war began, but they did their duty and over 620,000 Americans died and more were wounded.

The US Civil War was incontrovertibly the bloodiest, most devastating conflict in American history, and it remains unknown - and unknowable - exactly how many men died or were wounded in Union and Confederate uniform. 

If you are serving or ever served your country in the armed forces, police or firefighters, you are aware that when given an order, you must obey it without question or hesitancy. Though you may or may not know the reasoning, you do what's asked of you.

Approximately one in four soldiers that went to war never returned home. At the outset of the war, neither army had mechanisms in place to handle the amount of death that the nation was about to experience. There were no national cemeteries, no burial details and no messengers of loss.

After the war ended, poverty and poor relief, especially in times of acute food shortages, were major challenges facing Union and Confederate authorities. Cemeteries and statues began to slowly arise, Both were memorials to the thousands of young soldiers were killed or wounded during the worst war in U.S. history.

The current trend of tearing down or removal statues and memorials are tantamount to plowing up a cemetery. The morons who do these actions have no idea of the severity of the Civil and how many lives it effected. I wonder how they would feel if someone dug up and destroyed their mother's grave over petty politics.....

The News As I See It: U.S. Immigration agents raided hundreds of 7-Eleven stores to investigate the legal status of store employees. Hey, if you're going to investigate something at 7-Eleven, how about the hot dogs? How long have THEY been in the country?

At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it's not crinkled and facing the right way.

I read about a company that's working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It's fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call.

This Date In History: 1773, The first public museum in the U.S. was established in Charleston, S.C. 1896; H. L. Smith took the first X-ray photograph. It was a hand with a bullet in it. 1915; The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a proposal to give women the right to vote.

1932; Hattie W. Caraway, a democrat from Arkansas became the first woman to be elected to the U.S. Senate. 1991; A divided Congress gave President Bush the go-ahead on the Persian Gulf War. 1998; Nineteen European countries signed an agreement banning human cloning.

2010; Haiti is dealt a catastrophic blow when a magnitude 7.0 earthquake strikes 10 miles southwest of Port-au-Prince, the country's capital. It is the region's worst earthquake in 200 years. The number of fatalities were between 46,000 and 85,000 people.

Picture Of The Day:

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150. 2) My friend's grandmother's name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it. 3) I ran into a woman as I walked around a corner causing her to drop a pile of papers and we didn’t immediately fall in love as we picked them up so now I’ll never trust movies again. 4) Is it considered multitasking if you pee a little when you sneeze? 5) CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after your done.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 12th: Don't trust little birdies, most of them lie. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.

Birthdays: Charles Perrault, poet 1628, Edmund Burke, political writer and statesman 1729, John Hancock, political leader in the American Revolution and signer of the Declaration of Independence 1737, John Singer Sargent, painter 1856, Jack London, novelist 1876, Joe Frazier, boxer 1944, Rush Limbaugh, radio personality 1951. 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My mother-in-law got a pretty good look at you."

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No." So, she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "Have ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No," She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

The Moral Of The Story: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes." Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

That's it for today, my little artichoke hearts. Remember, asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you in trouble (It's not important how I know that). I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !