Friday, August 26, 2016

The Spicoli Syndrome: Hollywood Political Views

Movie studios make about 600 movies a year. A few are good, most are garbage. Yet, they spout their liberal views and most conservatives get blacklisted if they disagree. Hollywood should concentrate on making a decent movie, not politics.

Every new movie ad is replete with guns, zombies, explosions, car crashes and, more importantly, the certainty of a mindless plot (id est, young people will love it). 

Toyota and General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly.....The End. Sad, but oh so true! Here's something else to think about:

Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter's results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

The News As I See It: Jennifer Lawrence was just named the world’s highest paid actress, bringing in $46 million last year before taxes. Yep, she narrowly beat out the world’s second highest paid actress...Hillary Clinton.

According to Hillary’s newly-released medical records, she suffers from seasonal allergies. But she just takes some Benadryl and they’re all deleted.

Experts say Hillary’s campaign strategy is to ignore the controversies and just run out the clock. By the way, that also happens to be Hillary Clinton’s marital strategy.

Donald Trump first came out with guns blazing, saying he's going to kick all the Mexicans out, he's going to build a wall to keep them from coming back in. Last night during a town hall on Fox News he said he could be softening, which is normal, it happens to a lot of men his age.

Trump is not only reaching out to the Hispanic vote, he's been reaching out to the black community. He says he loves African-Americans. In fact, some of his best credit cards are black.

Journalists have tried contacting Hillary about this damaging email development. Unfortunately, they keep getting auto-replies that say, "Sorry, I am out of the Oval Office until January."

Olympian Ryan Lochte lost all four of his endorsement deals following his Rio robbery scandal. In fact he’s so desperate for money, he’s actually considering robbing a gas station.

An ex-NFL quarterback was arrested after being found naked with meth and marijuana. In other words, he’s back in the NFL.

This Date In History: 1847; Liberia was proclaimed an independent republic. 1920; The 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote went into effect.

1939; The first televised major league baseball game was televised: a double-header between the Brooklyn Dodgers and the Cincinnati Reds.

1974; Aviator Charles Lindbergh, the first man to fly solo, nonstop across the Atlantic, died. 1978; John Paul I became Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. He died one month later.

Picture Of The Day: Transparency.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) She hated my mixed-tape back in college. Last month, she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode. 2) The real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. 4 3) My new answering service recording: "Hello telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 30 minute flute solo." 4) I get high before I get my drivers license picture taken. That way, I look normal if I'm pulled over. 5) It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, "trophy wife" has become rather ambiguous.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope:Virgo - August 26th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: Antoine Laurent Lavoisier, chemist 1743, Peggy Guggenheim, art patron and collector 1898, Albert Sabin, physician and microbiologist 1906, Mother Teresa, Roman Catholic missionary 1910, Julio Cortázar, writer 1914, Macaulay Culkin, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little replied, "Then you ask him."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a leak, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out."

The 75-year-old said, "Heck, that's nothing. Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a crap, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The 80-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse and at 8:30 I crap like there's no tomorrow."

One of the younger man said, "That's great, then you have no problems." The 80-year-old replied, "Yes, I do! I don't wake up 'til eleven."

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?" The Angel replied, "Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

That's it for today, my little pet rocks. Remember, everybody values honesty until they have an ugly baby. The pending possible hurricane notwithstanding, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Where Is "Warshington" Located?

I've given up hope for those who say "nucular", "jewelery" or "realator". Those who begin a new thought with the word "so" have destroyed my faith in English as a spoken language. Word manglers insist on inserting an "r" in the word "Washington".

I usually overlook most mispronunciations as I am occasionally corrected by others, as well. But when someone can pronounce "pokemon" perfectly yet screw up other words in the same sentence, my patience grows short.

Conjugation? Forget about it. I am usually happy if the person with whom I am conversing can conjugate the verb "to be". Most people can carry on a rather intelligent conversation. Those who skipped high school English usually go on to Warshington, D.C.

The News As I See It: Congratulations to Team USA for winning over 100 medals! The most of any country, and my condolences to everyone who is behind them at airport security.

In an interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer, Ryan Lochte apologized for his "immature behavior." I don’t know if Lochte meant it, because he answered Lauer’s next question by responding, "Homo says what?"

Obama and the first family returned Sunday from their summer vacation in Martha's Vineyard only to find the locks had been changed.

McDonald’s has decided to remove fitness trackers from their Happy Meals. Apparently, many customers thought McDonald’s was just making fun of them.

This Date In History: 1305; Scottish leader and national hero, William Wallace, was executed in London. 1914; Japan declared war on Germany in World War I. 1926; Silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.

1927; Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were executed for the murders of two men during a 1920 robbery, despite worldwide protests. 1939; Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union signed a non-aggression treaty. 

Picture Of The Day: Food for thought.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon. 2) (Clerk): "May I take your order?" ( Me): "Yeah, lemme get a Whopper and a large Dr Pepper." (Clerk:) "Sir, This is Wallgreens" (Me): "OK, make it a bottle of Xanax and some Pringles...."

3) Remember ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." 4) (Big Toe): "Hey, he just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?" (Brain): "Wait 2 seconds....." 5) It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 23rd: Romance is definitely in the air this month, although you may find it clouded by other emotions or possibly, smells. You will finally understand why birds suddenly appear every time your lady friend walks near. I'm talking sardines here, people.....!

Birthdays: Louis XVI, king of France (1774–92) 1754, Arnold Toynbee, economist 1852, Edgar Lee Masters, writer 1868, Gene Kelly, dancer 1912, Shelley Long, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, "Honey, come see what I created. It's an abstract panorama depicting the five-years of the Obama presidency!"

She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."

Don't drink and drive! Last year, I went out with a few friends. After several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing." The priest asked, "What do they say?" The woman says, "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'" The priest says, "That's obscene!"

Then he thought for a moment. He said,"You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship. Your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." The woman says. "Thank you, this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered !!!"

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" Socrates replied, "Wait! Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually I just heard about it." Socrates asked, "So you don't really know if it's true or not."

Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" The man replied, "No, on the contrary..."

Socrates interrupted, "So you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" The man stammered, "Well, not really..."

Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing his wife.

That's it for today, my little cup cakes. Remember, the correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost.

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More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 19, 2016

Nascar Night Racing At Bristol Motor Speedway

Bedlam...chaos. It's about the only way you can describe 40 cars racing around a banked, half mile track at high speed for 500 laps. It's been compared to fighter jets flying in a gymnasium. Fender rubbing, crashes, every man for himself short track racing.

The infinity series will race tonight, a prelude to tomorrow night's 500 lap race. But don't let the word "prelude" fool you. Tonight's race will be just as intense as tomorrow night's race and I guarantee you that every driver in tomorrow night's race will be watching how the cars handle.

The track has been changed a bit as the inside groove has been recondition to encourage more racing on the bottom. So, every driver will be going to school on the changes.

Because of the Rio Olympics, tonight's race will be televised on the USA channel at 7:30 pm and tomorrow night's race will be on NBCSN at 8 pm. If you've never seen Nascar short track racing, this weekend will be a great time to watch.

The heaviest element known to science is Congressarium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

There are two types on Congressarium. One has has a half-life of two years and the other has a half life of six years. It slowly decays but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

The News As I See It: According to a new study, millennials are having significantly less sex than previous generations. It seems logical to me. With the morons running around trying to catch Pokémon, I'm shocked they aren't getting any action.

This Date In History: 1812; The U.S. frigate Constitution, Old Ironsides, defeated the British ship Guerriere during the War of 1812. 1934; Germans voted to make Adolf Hitler Fuhrer

1960; American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers was convicted of espionage in Moscow. 1977; Comedian Groucho Marx died in Los Angeles at age 86.

2003; U.N. special representative Sergio Vieira de Mello was one of 22 killed when a suicide car bomb struck the UN's Baghdad headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: The night will be exciting.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When most men get married, they learn that they had thousands of faults they didn't even know about. 2) When a man and a woman are having sex and they finish at the same exact time, is it wrong to say, "Jinx, you owe me a coke?" 3) My friend asked me that if he was going to make a parachute jump, how high should he be? I told him three days of steady drinking ought to do it.

4) Many chose the path less traveled, but most of them are mainly just lost. 5) The principle differences between a philosophy student, an engineering student and a liberal arts student is that the philosophy student asks, "Why?", the engineering student asks, "How?" and the liberal arts student asks, "Do you want fries with that?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 19th: Avoid all sexy language until after your lunch break. Remember that love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, by the time you get to yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone.

Birthdays: John Dryden, poet, dramatist, and critic 1631, Orville Wright, aviation pioneer 1871, Coco Chanel, fashion designer 1883, Ogden Nash, poet 1902, Malcolm Forbes, publisher 1919, Willie Shoemaker, jockey 1931, William Jefferson Clinton William, 42nd President of the United States 1946,  Matthew Perry, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. He says, "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force."

He continued, "I remember, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these two fokkers appeared. I looked up, and right above me was one of them and I shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this moment, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" The pilot says, "That's true, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt's."

A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Let's have a cup of coffee, then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box."

A man was eating lunch with his 10-year-old Granddaughter and he asked her, "How are you doing in school?" The little girl said, "I'm doing great. We're learning about the new holiday, "President Obama Day" that occurs on June 1st.

Her grandfather said, "President's Day is in February. What does President Obama Day mean?" She replied, "I know. We've studied the February date, but this is a new holiday. President Obama Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we will have one more year of unemployment."

That's it for today, my little teddy bears. Remember, there is nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Actually, I'd Rather Vote For Forrest Gump!

Abraham Lincoln said: "You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time." That said, people still buy anything on TV that's priced at $19.95. These people also vote.

People used to pay for AOL and Angie's List until they woke up. These products are now free.

The people who reap these rewards know that sheep always need a shepherd. They let the animals graze and then they shear them and sell their wool.

Politics are no different. Most people don't know shit from Shinola and few are actually aware of all the hidden lies and corruption.

Nevertheless, people still argue and fight over whose party is better and who the best candidate is. In actuality, they're just liars and thieves who prostitute themselves for money. Kinda sad, huh?

The News As I See It: North Korea is said to be working on a big new project. Sometime in the next 10 years North Korea is hoping to plant a flag on the moon. By that I assume they mean they're looking for someone who can photoshop a picture of their flag on the moon.

This Date In History: 1807; Robert Fulton's steamboat, the Clermont, began its trip up the Hudson River to Albany. 1863; Fort Sumter, S.C. was bombarded by Union ships during the Civil War. 1896; Prospectors found gold in Alaska, a discovery that set off the Klondike gold rush.

1945; Indonesian nationalists proclaimed independence from the Netherlands. 1962; 18-year-old Peter Fechter was shot and killed by guards at the Berlin Wall, spurring riots. 1969; Hurricane Camille devastated the Gulf Coast, killing 248 people.

1978; The first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight landed outside of Paris. 1987; Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's second in command, committed suicide.

2008; U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps won his eighth gold medal, breaking the record set by Mark Spitz in the 1972 Games. Phelps also set the record for the most golds in a single Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: By the way, for those of you who do not know, this is Shinola.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They asked me who my friend was and I said, "His name is Sanjay although you may know him as Mike from Microsoft customer service." 2) Tonight's weather forecast is: Dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning. 3) I don't know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it. 4) Sow your wild oats on Friday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday.  5) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine and a romantic dinner. She goes Tuesdays, He goes Fridays.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 17th: Remember to chew before you swallow. You may hear good news today from an older person who may or may not be intoxicated. Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelaces while staring at the person across the bar from you.

Birthdays: William Carey, missionary 1761, Davy Crockett, frontiersman 1786, Marcus Garvey,  black nationalist leader 1887, Mae West, American comedienne 1893, Ted Hughes, poet 1930, V. S. Naipaul, author 1932, Robert De Niro, film actor 1943, Sean Penn, actor 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I was walking down the road and saw my Irani neighbor Achmed standing on his second floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Achmed? Won't it start?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks the man, "What's going on?"

The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "On average, about a gallon."

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump... Bump... Bump... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...

On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and..... (wait for it) ....the coffin stops.

That's it for today, my little orange blossoms. Remember,As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, August 15, 2016

This Will End, One Way Or Another

The time will come when America replaces political correctness with swift, possibly lethal, reaction to those who choose to run amok in the streets causing death, destruction and havoc. Police officers should not have to fear for their safety protecting its citizens.

Violence erupted in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on Saturday after a black man was fatally shot by police. The man shot by police has been identified by family members as 23-year-old Sylville Smith. The officer who shot him is described as a 24-year-old black man with six years of experience. He has been placed on administrative leave.

Mayor Tom Barrett said the two officers involved in the chase and shooting were wearing body cameras. The cameras were operational, Barrett said. He said the officer ordered the man to drop his gun twice and then fired several times when he refused.

Barrett said a photo from the body camera clearly shows Smith had the gun in his hand when he was killed. One police officer is in the hospital after a brick was thrown through his squad car in the unrest that followed the shooting. Police vehicles and four businesses were set on fire.

The News As I See It: When asked about running for future office despite his age, Vice President Joe Biden this weekend told interviewers that if he didn't know how old he really was, he'd guess he's 44. And if he didn't know what time it was, he'd guess it's Miller Time.

This Date In History: 1057; Macbeth, king of Scotland, was killed by Malcolm Canmore. 1911; Proctor and Gamble Company introduced Crisco vegetable shortening. 1935; Aviator Wiley Post and actor Will Rogers were killed in a plane crash.

1939; The Wizard of Oz premiered in Hollywood. 1947; The Indian Independence Bill created the two independent states of India and Pakistan. 1948; South Korea became the Republic of Korea. 1969; Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened at Max Yasgur's dairy farm in Bethel, New York.

1998; A car bomb in Omagh, Northern Ireland, killed 29 people. It was the deadliest act of violence in more than 30 years of "Troubles." 2001; Astronomers announced the discovery of the first solar system outside our own.

Picture Of The Day: Sylville Smith is no longer with us. He had been in trouble with the law dating back at least to 2011, according to arrest records released by the Milwaukee County Sheriff's Office late Sunday.

He was arrested or ticketed nine times in that period — for the shooting, a robbery, carrying a concealed weapon, theft, possession of heroin and more. His most recent arrest was July 22 for possession of cocaine, records show.

Last year, Smith was charged with first-degree recklessly endangering safety and with witness intimidation, but the charges were dismissed, court records show. T

he charges were dropped even though the prosecutors had recorded jail calls in which Smith asked his girlfriend to pressure the victim to recant, according to court records.

In the witness intimidation case, Smith was accused of pressuring the victim in a shooting to recant a statement identifying him as the suspect, according to the criminal complaint.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men reach their sexual peak around age 18 while women reach their sexual peak around age 35. Just about the time women reach their sexual peak, men are beginning to realize they have a favorite chair. 2) Why do people say "needless to say"? 3) You tell when a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. 4) To be politically correct, you cannot call people who steal from stores during crises "looters" anymore. You now have to call them undocumented shoppers. 5) It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 15th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. This information may or may not affect your balance when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Napoleon I, French emperor 1769, Walter Scott, writer 1771, Ethel Barrymore, actress 1879, Edna Ferber, author 1887, T. E. Lawrence, adventurer 1888, Julia Child, chef 1912.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered that question!"

A man was at a bank and in front of him there was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She said to the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said," What is it? " The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas.

A policeman interviews two blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye and one ear!" The policeman says, "Well, uh, that's because the picture only shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm - the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is speechless because he really doesn't know if the suspect wears contacts or not. He says, "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file." He leaves the room and goes to his office to check the suspect's file in his computer.

He returns with a beaming smile on his face and says, "Wow, it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" The blonde replied. "That's easy, he can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

That's it for today, my little acorns. Remember, if you wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean, you may be a Muslim.

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More on Wednesday.

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