Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Tuesday's memorial for Nelson Mandela produced some interesting side stories, including Obama shaking hands with Raul Castro. The best story was when Obama, et al, took a "selfie" at the service as Michelle Obama stewed. Hey, what says "class" more than taking selfies at a funeral?
Obama was caught committing a funeral faux pas — snapping a selfie during Nelson Mandela’s memorial service with Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt and British PM David Cameron. The threesome smiled as the Scandinavian beauty held her smartphone out to capture the moment but Michelle Obama sat at a distance.
Danish Thorning-Schmidt, who is married to British executive Stephen Kinnock, appeared particularly chummy with Obama but Michelle Obama, 49, seemed annoyed at the mingling, looking solemn as she stared intently in the opposite direction and paid attention to the proceedings.
As Obama laughed away with the blonde Danish leader, at least one photograph shows Michelle flash a disapproving glare in their direction. Thorning-Schmidt, who has two daughters with Kinnock, is the first female prime minister of Denmark. She assumed office in October 2011.
Yep, Obama flirted with the blonde female prime minister of Denmark right in front of Michelle Obama. Man, if Obama felt that the flight to South Africa was long, can you imagine the way home?
Maybe Obama was thinking, "Hell, if Kanye West can score with a white chick...." On the other hand, maybe the blonde Helle had heard the rumor, "Once you go black....(you can't get credit)"
Boy are you in trouble, Barry......!
The News As I See It: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."
The current winter storm has left thousands without electricity. Because of the snowstorm, nobody can get to the unemployment office. It's as if Obama had taken over the power companies.
Most of the country continues to be in a deep freeze. It's so cold that in Texas, people were crossing back into Mexico for the warmth.
Last week, a man was locked in an airplane for several hours after he fell asleep during a flight and nobody woke up him up when it landed. But other than that, Joe Biden had a great trip to Asia.
Did you see the recent showing of "The Sound of Music”? It was the most exciting live TV event since Matt Lauer's on-air prostate examination.
North Korea has confirmed that Kim Jong Un has fired his uncle. Unemployment benefits in North Korea include two weeks' severance and not being shot.
New Jersey legislators want to ban eating while driving. Good luck getting Governor Chris Christie to sign that one.
A man in China committed suicide at a shopping mall by jumping seven stories to his death after his girlfriend said she wanted to visit just one more shoe store. The guy couldn’t take it — talk about "shop 'til you drop"!
This Date In History: 1816; Indiana became the 19th state. 1844; Nitrous oxide was used for the first time in dentistry. 1936; King Edward VIII abdicated the throne of Britain for the woman he loved, Mrs. Wallis Simpson.
1941; Germany and Italy declared war on the United States. 1946; The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established.
1994; Russian troops invaded Chechnya in an unsuccessful attempt to restore Moscow's power in the region. 1997; Housing secretary Henry Cisneros was indicted for conspiracy, obstructing justice, and false statements to the FBI.
Picture Of The Day: Obama flirts with pretty blonde Denmark prime minister as Michelle develops a case of the "ass".
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some lady in Walgreens was staring at me like she had never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf. 2) My girlfriend would get lost less frequently if her GPS would say, "No, your other left." 3) A six year old boy was recently kicked out of school and suspended for kissing a girl's hand. I glad all these laws are being passed now. When I was six years old, I was not a licensed physician, so I would have been doing hard time by the fourth grade. 4) Whenever a friends says "Join the gym with me", I say, "Come to church with my Mom and me." Shuts ‘em up every time. 5) Anytime I see a motorcyclist recklessly weaving in and out of traffic and performing tricks I always root for the pavement.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 11th: Your brain is overflowing with truly brilliant ideas. Focus on making your dreams a reality. The future holds many wonderful things, however, many of them exclude you in their plans. A romantic hotel break may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Bring someone with you this time.....
Birthdays: My friend Teddy - Happy Birthday 19XX, Sir David Brewster, physicist and natural philosopher 1781, Louis-Hector Berlioz, composer 1803, Robert Koch, bacteriologist 1843, Annie Jump Cannon, astronomer 1863, Fiorello Henry LaGuardia, mayor of New York City 1882, Naguib Mahfouz, novelist 1911, Carlo Ponti, producer 1912, Willie Mae Thornton, blues singer 1926, John F. Kerry, politician 1943.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees." After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief.
The father asks, "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
A baby was born with the ability to talk. The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?" His mother replied, "Why, yes! I am!" The baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born."
Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?" The doctor answered, "Yes, I am!" The baby says, "Well, I just wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me during the delivery." The doctor says, "You're very welcome."
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?" Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!" The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies. The baby starts poking him in the forehead and says, "How does that feel?!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 20 yard hole-in-one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
A man's wife wife had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on the toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while his wife was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, her husband got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, he took off the toilet seat bolts.
His wife wrapped a sheet around herself and he drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. the wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
That's it for today, my little chipmunks. Remember, the Obamacare Bronze Plan is the cheapest plan. Bronze was chosen because that's the color your fingers will be after you're forced to do your own prostate exam because of the costs. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Monday, December 9, 2013
MSNBC host Melissa Harris-Perry went off on a tangent in a recent broadcast, ranting about the racist overtones of a word that’s been used for years by both sides of the political aisle — Obamacare.
She said (as FrontPage.com reported) "I want to talk today about a controversial word. It’s a word that’s been with us for years. And like it or not, it’s indelibly printed in the pages of America history. A word that was originally intended as a derogatory term, meant to shame and divide and demean. The word was conceived by a group of wealthy white men who needed a way to put themselves above and apart from a black man to render him inferior and unequal and diminish his accomplishments."
Ms. Harris-Perry then admitted that President Obama himself used the objectionable Obamacare term but said that he did so with an attitude of "if you can’t beat them, you’ve got to join them." She continued, "So he embraced the word and made it his own, sending his opposition a message they weren’t expecting 'if that’s what you want me to be, I’ll be that.'"
Harris-Perry went on, "Y’all (sic) know the word that I’m talking about....Obamacare. That’s right. I said it and I’m not ashamed, and neither is President Obama.”
Ms. Harris-Perry then ranted a bit longer and then summarizing: "I mean, what do you call the president who rescues the U.S. auto industry? Obamacare. What do you call the president who finally eliminates Osama bin Laden? Obamacare. What do you call the president who ends don’t ask, don’t tell? Say it with me — Obamacare."
Uh, no offense, Melissa, but what do you call a President who, in order to get re-elected, lies about being able to keep your same insurance policy and same doctor....period?
FrontPageMag.com reported that the term Obamacare likely started from a lobbyist who was simply coining a term based on the (then) existing "Hillary-care."
I assume that (according to Harris-Perry) "Hillarycare" and "Romneycare" are racist and maybe they're anti-woman and anti-Mormon, as well.
Soon, any word uttered by any white person will be "racist". We know "watermelon" is out and I'm thinking "hot dog" and "hamburger" will soon follow. I have no idea how idiots like Harris-Perry stay on the air....
The News As I See It: One of the biggest movies last week was the Disney movie, "Frozen," which is an animated film about the Obamacare website. Kids hate this movie. An hour and a half of characters trying to fix the website.
In Nevada, where prostitution is legal, prostitutes are signing up for Obamacare. Which explains why the most popular pick-up line in Nevada is, "Let me help you with your co-pay."
Fast-food workers in 100 American cities are going on strike. The workers behind the counter want higher wages and better conditions. The drive-thru workers? No one can understand what they want. What did you say?
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain
This Date In History: 1941; China declared war against Japan, Germany, and Italy. 1958; The anti-Communist John Birch Society was formed. 1965; "A Charlie Brown Christmas" premiered.
1990; Lech Walesa was elected president of Poland. 1993; U.S. astronauts completed repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope. 1996; Archaeologist and anthropologist Mary Leakey died in Kenya at age 83.
Picture Of The Day: Melissa Harris-Perry, MSNBC's newest host, is a professor at Tulane University with a Ph.D in political science from Duke University.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My favorite part of the date was when I told her that I wanted her to have my kids. Then I gave them to her, all 3 of them. 2) I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer. 3) My girlfriend gave me her Christmas list. I said, "Isn't my undying love and affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store trying to locate a French guy named Louis Vuitton. 4) Reason #23 why the Flintstones are extinct: "Hey, we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. Lets use our feet for cars." 5) Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo. Here's one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 9th: If you feel like you're struggling to get ahead with the rest of the world, sit down, relax and perhaps watch some television. Pants, socks, t-shirts, and underwear. These are all parts of your wardrobe. Remember this.
Birthdays: My friends Melanie and Jeannette - Happy Birthday ladies ! 19XX, John Milton, English poet 1608, Joel Chandler Harris, humorist 1848, Jean de Brunhoff, author and illustrator 1899, Margaret Hamilton, actress 1902, Grace Hopper, rear admiral; computer scientist 1906 ,Thomas P. O'Neill, political leader 1912, Kirk Douglas, actor 1916, John Cassavetes, actor and director 1929, Junior Wells, musician 1934, Dame Judi Dench, actress 1934, Tom Daschle, U.S. senator 1947, John Malkovich, actor 1953, Felicity Huffman, actress 1962, Crown Princess Masako, royalty 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later, the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved and so was all mankind made."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.
Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker". The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?" The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. He said, "Doc, I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
The shrink says, "Just put yourself in my hands for two years. Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." The man asked, "How much do you charge?" The shrink replied, "A hundred dollars per visit." The man said, "I'll sleep on it."
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. The psychiatrist asked."Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" The man answered, "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." The shrink asked, "Is that so! How?" The man said, "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny replied, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh What a beautiful little baby". The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny."
Johnny then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said, "Well, its a darn good thing, because he sure can't wear glasses...."
That's it for today, my little cupcakes. The Center for Disease Control has released a list of the latest symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Friday, December 6, 2013
Nelson Mandela died Thursday night at age 95 at his home in Johannesburg, surrounded by family, according to South African President Jacob Zuma. Dressed in black, Zuma announced Mandela's death in a nationally televised address, saying, "Our nation has lost its greatest son. Our people have lost a father. Although we knew that this day would come, nothing can diminish our sense of a profound and enduring loss."
National leaders and ordinary citizens around the world joined Thursday in mourning Nelson Mandela, who spent 27 years as a prisoner in South Africa for opposing apartheid, then emerged to become his country's first black president, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize and an enduring symbol of integrity, principle and resilience.
Mandela had spent almost three months in a Pretoria hospital after being admitted in June with a recurring lung infection. Zuma said the man considered by many as the father of his nation would be accorded a full state funeral. Rest in peace Mr. Mandela.
On December 7th, 1941, the nation of Japan made the fatal mistake of bombing Pearl Harbor killing 2,402 and injuring 1,402 Americans. This deliberate action woke a sleeping giant and Japan surrendered in defeat after two atomic bombs were dropped on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945.
Please take the time tomorrow to remember the dead and wounded in this devastating attack and remember the heroes, both past and present of the United States armed forces.
White House press secretary Jay Carney said on Thursday that President Barack Obama did briefly stay with his illegal immigrant uncle while attending Harvard Law School in the 1980s. This is a contradiction of what the White House told reporters in 2011, asserting Obama did not know his uncle....oops !
The president’s uncle, Onyango "Omar" Obama, 69, said at a deportation hearing this week that Obama stayed with him when the president was a student at Harvard. The uncle was arrested for drunk driving in 2011 and faced deportation after living in the United States for five decades. The judge decided to let the Kenyan national remain in the United States. Pinocchio is alive and well.....period !
The News As I See It: Obamacare is still struggling to get off the ground. Experts now say the success or failure of Obamacare will depend on whether young people sign up. Which is why as of today it covers medical marijuana.
At a White House holiday party, the Obama's dog, Sonny, reportedly knocked over a small child. So although President Obama's approval rating is down to 40 percent, he's now number one on YouTube.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto.
NSA collects almost 5 billion records a day that can pinpoint a cellphone anywhere in the world, track its movements, and map the personal relationships of the person using it. I'll tell you what this means. You know the crazy people that wear the tinfoil hats because they think the government is tracking them? Turns out they were right. How is it possible that they can track every cellphone in the world but can't build a healthcare website? Maybe they should put the NSA in charge of Obamacare.
This Date In History: 1884; Construction of the Washington Monument was completed. 1889; Jefferson Davis, the first and only president of the Confederate States of America, died in New Orleans.
1923; A presidential address was broadcast on the radio for the first time when Calvin Coolidge spoke before Congress. 1926; French impressionist painter Claude Monet died at age 86. 1973; Gerald Ford was sworn in as vice president, replacing Spiro T. Agnew.
1992; The destruction of a mosque in India by Hindu extremists set off two months of Muslim-Hindu fighting that claimed at least 2,000 lives. 1998; Hugo Chavez elected president of Venezuela.
Picture Of The Day: The USS West Virginia under siege in Pearl Harbor, December 7th, 1941.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they also provide clues. 2) (Her): "Have you ever been so drunk that you....." (Me): "Yes". (Her): "But I didn't finish..... (Me): "The answer is yes....." 3) A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos. 4) My friend's uncle was found wandering aimlessly in the shoe department at Sears. He's glad because his uncle wore Crocs to his wedding in 2006. 5) Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got into their house.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagitarius - December 6th: Be grateful that you have a good network of friends and family. Even if you lose a few friends, you still have your family....except maybe Uncle Frank.
Birthdays: My niece, Kimberly - Happy Birthday sweetheart 19XX, Jean Eugene Robert Houdin. conjurer and magician 1805, Joyce Kilmer. poet 1886, Ira Gershwin. lyricist 1896, Gunnar Myrdal. economist 1898, Agnes Moorehead. actress 1906, Eleanor Holm, swimmer 1913, Dave Brubeck, American jazz pianist and composer 1920, Patsy Takemoto Mink, U.S. representative 1927.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head, fired a shot into the ceiling and yelled, "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" No one answered.
He yelled, "All right, I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm going to do what I did in Texas. And I don't want to have to do what I did in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The cowboy had another beer, walked outside and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A man's wife texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Her husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, I would like a Martusi." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. She then said, "Barbender, I would like another Martusi." Again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.
She called, "Barbender, your Martusis are giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martusi, but a Martini and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood, knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." The man said, "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
The man said, "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." The priest asked, "And what is that, my son?" The man said, "Should I tell her the war is over?"
That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, John 3:16, Matthew 3:17, Luke 3:18. It was a very close race. I''ll be in AREA 51 tonight for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Obamacare costs have exceeded one billion dollars thus far. The population of the United States is around 300 million. You could give every man, woman and child three million dollars each and avoid the daily dose of White House bullshit. Of course, all the lies, thievery and graft would be eliminated, but life's a bitch.....
MSNBC anchor Martin Bashir, who made extremely crude and gross comments three weeks ago about Sarah Palin, resigned in disgrace today. My guess is that Bashir resigned before MSNBC fired his ass. Bashir apologized for his remarks calling them "wholly unacceptable." Bashir should have been fired on the spot and MSNBC received a ton of heat for not firing him immediately. Maybe he can get a job with Al-Jazeera.
The News As I See It: According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.
The White House confirmed that Obama will be signing up for Obamacare. That's good because his current health plan doesn't cover headaches and depression caused by Obamacare.
Obama said that despite the initial problems, the site is working better now and is going do continue to improve. A million people visited on Monday, mostly to see if they were covered from injuries suffered at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.
Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week.
Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview he announced that on Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free.
A list of the most corrupt countries in the world was put together by a group called Transparency International. There's no real surprises. For coming in at No. 1, Kim Jong Un will receive economic sanctions from the U.N. and dinner for two at a great restaurant.
Apparently New Zealand is the least corrupt country. The next five least corrupt countries are all in Scandinavia. Which proves that it's hard to grease someone's palm when you're wearing woolly mittens.
This Date In History: 1783; George Washington delivered his farewell address to his officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York City. 1816; James Monroe of Virginia was elected (by electors) the fifth president of the United States.
1875; William Marcy "Boss" Tweed of New York's Tammany Hall escaped from jail and fled the country. 1945; The Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations. 1978; Dianne Feinstein became San Francisco's first female mayor.
1991; Associated Press correspondent Terry Anderson is released after seven years as a hostage in Lebanon. 1993; Rock musician and composer Frank Zappa died at age 52. 2003; Interpol put the former president of Liberia, Charles Taylor, on its most-wanted list.
Picture Of The Day: There's just something about newly fallen snow that brightens my day. That is, on a sunny, windless day in a picture perfect location. On the days when it is overcast and blowing wildly, I'd just as soon be at the beach in Miami. But, that's just me.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I've been to in the last week that's had "insufficient funds". 2) The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream. 3) I sleep better naked. Why doesn’t the flight attendant understand this? 4) Some people are like 5-year-olds. They shake heads in agreement, but you know by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said. 5) I get out of awkward party conversations by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 4th: Screaming "Death to the Infidel!" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers will leave you with bruises in special places.
Birthdays: My friend Dennis - Happy Birthday guitar man 19XX, John Cotton, clergyman 1584, Thomas Carlyle, essayist, historian 1795, Lillian Russell, soprano 1861, Edith Cavell, nurse 1865, Rainer Maria Rilke, poet 1875, Francisco Franco, Spanish general and leader 1892, Dennis Wilson, pop musician 1944, Jeff Bridges, actor 1949, Tyra Banks, model 1973.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa, of course, because the other two don’t exist!
A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.
The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.
The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.
The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest. I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"
The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.''
The man said, I see. Whose clock is that?'' St. Peter said, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.''
The man said, "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.''
The man then asked, "Where's President Obama's clock?" St. Peter said, "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a Southern boy who was going into the 8th grade for the 3rd time.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu." The private school student went first.
About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.
The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the Southern boy top that?! The clock started again and the boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three girls in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
That's it for today, my little Auntelopes and Unclelopes. Remember, watching golf cures insomnia. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !