Friday, March 17, 2017

Happy St. Patrick's Day 2017

May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand. (traditional Gaelic blessing)

You're in the middle of a project around the house. You're dirty, hot and sweaty. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, the shorts with the hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you do one of the following:

In Your 20's: You stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In Your 30's: You stop what you're doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In Your 40's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a sweatshirt that's long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she's spicy.

In Your 50's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait Shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In Your 60's; You stop what you're doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.

In Your 70's: You stop what you're doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In Your 80's: You stop what you're doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you're looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In Your 90's and beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

The News As I See It: Rachel Maddow’s much-hyped release of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns was considered by many to be a letdown. No one’s been this disappointed by Rachel Maddow since the guy who took her to the prom. The only result of what happened is Rachel Maddow topped Rosie O’Donnell as Donald Trump’s least-favorite lesbian.

Everyone was talking about the big snowstorm that hit New York. In fact, some are said thy experienced a whiteout. Things will even out on St. Patrick’s Day when we'll all experience a blackout.

The blizzard also hit Washington, D.C. You know it’s cold outside when the Washington Monument actually shrinks about 40 feet.

Last weekend, off the coast of Florida, a Carnival Cruise ship almost hit two jet skiers. Today, the captain of the ship apologized and said, "I’ll get them next time."

This Date In History: 1762; The first St. Patrick's Day parade was held in New York City. 1776; British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War. 1870; Wellesley Female Seminary (later Wellesley College) received its charter from the Massachusetts legislature.

1942; Gen. Douglas MacArthur became supreme commander of Allied forces in the southwest Pacific theater during World War II. 1963; Mount Agung on Bali erupted, killing 1,184 people. 1969; Golda Meir was sworn in as prime minister of Israel.

Picture Of The Day: Happy St. Patrick's Day

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I spent most of my lifetime earnings on women and booze and squandered the rest. 2) If at first you don't succeed, then try playing second base. 3) I've started slipping an occasional "meow" into everyday conversations with people to see if they're really listening meow to me. 4) I find it amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always fits perfectly in the newspaper.  5) Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television. It’s a new show called "Cuba’s Got Talent, but America’s Got Food, Water, Shelter, and Cash.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 17th: Deja vu is the feeling that someone's patronised you before (often by telling you what deja vu means). Purple clouds are not usual, nor is red rain. You really must stop pretending that the pictures your niece draws are real.

Birthdays: Tames Bridger, mountain man 1804, Kate Greenaway, illustrator and watercolorist 1846, Gloria Swanson, actress 1899, Bayard Rustin, civil rights activist 1912, Nat "King" Cole, singer 1919, Rudolf Nureyev, ballet dancer 1938.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Irishmen were stopped by the police for jaywalking. The sergeant said, "Name?" The first man replied, "O’Connor." The sergeant asked, "Address?" O'Connor answers, "No fixed abode" The sergeant, looking at the other, says, "Name?"  The other man replies, "O’Brien, and I live in the flat above him."

After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said to her husband, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The husband thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. The first man says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger says, "That's incredible. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.

Furious he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" The artist said, "And there you have it. I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those f*cking Indians!'"

That's it for today, my little leprechauns. Cheers…and may ye be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows yer dead. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, March 10, 2017

Congress: Quit Debating And Just Give Us The Same Health Care Plan That You Have

I can't begin to tell you how incredulous it is to me that some of these moronic politicians, both democrat and republican, get elected, much less re-elected. Their current project is health care. The answer is to give us the same plan that they have.

We know that they vote for their own pay raises and decide what their health care should cover. It seems to me that if they care about America, they would do the same for us.

While you're pondering that thought and waiting for hell to freeze over, morons like Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Chuck Schumer, former SNL dufus Al Franken and American Indian descendant Elizabeth "Pocohontas" Warren continue to say things that even ex-convicts would hesitate to say.

While there are many republicans who fit right in with the above mentioned bird brains, the liberal press gives more time to democrats, thus giving the dumb republicans time to hide. Mick Mulvaney and Rob Woodall come to mind.

One of the more fortunate things is that Harry Reid, who has taken more money under the table than most politicians, is out of office. Even better, some of the birdbrains like republican Strom Thurman, have mercifully died.

Nevertheless, the plan is to repeal Obamacare and come up with a better plan for America. I hope they succeed.

The News As I See It: On Wednesday, there was a protest across the country known as "A Day Without Women." In fairness, I celebrated "A Day Without Women" all through my late teens and early 20s.

Wisconsin is hosting the U.S. Cheese Championship. Once again, the winner is expected to be "Heart Disease."

The accountants at Price Waterhouse Coopers who botched the Oscars have received death threats. The FBI tried to investigate, but the accountants handed them the wrong hate mail.

Taco Bell has announced that it is creating a hybrid of its Quesalupas and Doritos Locos Tacos, called the Doritos Quesalupa Crunch. Of course, if you can say that, you’re probably not drunk enough to eat it.

This Date In History: 1629; Charles I of England dissolves Parliament and rules alone for 11 years. 1785; Thomas Jefferson is appointed minister to France. 1848; Congress ratified the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican War. 1864; U. S. Grant became commander of the Union armies during the Civil War.

1876; The first telephone call ("Mr. Watson, come here. I want you.") was made by Alexander Graham Bell. 1948; The body of Jan Masaryk, Czechoslovakia's anti-Communist foreign minister was found. Officially a suicide, the real cause of death has never been proven. 1969; James Earl Ray was sentenced in Memphis, Tennessee, to 99 years in prison for the murder of Martin Luther King, Jr., in April 1968.

Picture Of The Day: Maxine Waters

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My parents never asked me to run away from home, but then there were so many unexplained one way tickets. 2) I typed 12 beers into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself. 3) The difference between Congress and a federal prison is that one is filled with liars, thieves, tax evaders and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. 4) Note to all of my lovely female friends: I become more attractive when you put on your wine glasses. 5) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 10th: You may start to question evolution today and upon doing so you'll hopefully encounter a reason for your deserving the Darwin award. You can't hide from the rest of the day, so I suggest you burst headlong into it without waiting for anyone to catch up.

Take your time over getting where you're going today. You're only going to have shitty things happen when you get there.

Birthdays: Pablo de Sarasate, violin virtuoso 1844, Lillian Wald, social worker 1867, Clare Boothe Luce, playwright and diplomat 1903, Sharon Stone, actress 1958, Shannon Miller, gymnast 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. The woman said, "Not bad. I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."

God said, "They don't like that in heaven." The woman replied. "They weren't too happy about it in Sears, either!"

In a recent survey, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Chicago residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. The old man responds, "I'm 85 years old."

The madam says, "85 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

Murray and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Murray paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Murray looked down at his feet, then apologized for his emotional outburst, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Murray stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack right at this very hole." His buddy said, "Oh my God! That must have been very difficult for you!"

Murray replied, "Difficult? It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Edna, hit the ball, drag Edna....."

That's it for today, my little tinker toys. Remember, statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, March 3, 2017

"Watching" The Radio

Yep, back in the day, we "watched" the radio. Why? Because 90 percent of the population didn't own a TV and half the people weren't even aware of its existence. So we listened to shows like The Jack Benny Show, Dragnet, Amos and Andy and more.

Before television, the radio was the popular means of getting the news, listening to music and most importantly, listening to your favorite radio show. On Saturday nights, my parents would turn on the radio around 7:00 p.m. and we would listened to the various shows. I use the term "listen" but, in fact, we literally watched the radio as the show progressed.

The radio was a piece of fine furniture and was positioned in the living room much in the same way as today's television sets are positioned. Our radio was an RCA Victor and the top lifted up to use the turntable to play records. All of our records were 78's and rarely had more than two songs on one side. Woe be unto the child who dropped a record because in those days, the record would shatter and break.

The Jack Benny Show was the number one show of the day, but there were many more memorable shows on the radio. Other great shows included: My Little Margie, The Green Hornet, the FBI and the inimitable sounds of Inner Sanctum.

My favorite show was the Lone Ranger which thankfully came on at seven o'clock. I wasn't always able to listen to all the shows because bedtime was nine o'clock. Many a night after being tucked into bed by my mom, I would sneak out of bed, lie down next to the bedroom door and listen to the radio shows. I also woke up on the floor many times as well as I fell asleep listening to the radio.

Radio days of the past are just a memory now, but one would use one's imagination and literally visualize the shows and the characters. Although today's technology offers an abundance of innovative ideas and products, the art of imagination, alas, has fallen by the wayside for most people. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Papa John’s is testing a new system that lets customers pay $3 to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car.

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test.

This Date In History: 1845; Florida became the 27th state in the United States. 1875; Georges Bizet's opera Carmen debuted in Paris, to cool audience reception and panned by critics. 1879; Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood became the first woman lawyer to be admitted to appear before the Supreme Court of the United States.

1918; Germany, Austria, and Russia signed the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk. 1931; The "Star-Spangled Banner" was adopted as the national anthem. 1991; Rodney King's vicious beating by Los Angeles police officers was caught on videotape.

2000; Former dictator Augusto Pinochet returned to Chile after being detained in Britain on torture charges. 2003; New embassies opened in Kenya and Tanzania, to replace those lost in the 1998 terrorist bombings.

Picture Of The Day: Saturday nights were social nights and the family gathered around the radio to listen to the programs.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere. 2) I changed the mat at my front door to read: Welcome (except for spiders). 3) When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough. 4) Facebook game requests are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet.  5) If you want to find out if the FBI or the NSA is listening to your call, sing "Sweet Caroline" and if more than one voice responds with "bum bum bum", then you'll know.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March : Fridays are for good times, so let your hair down and go for it. If you're going to the local pub, just remember, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Chances of romance are 71 percent. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Birthdays: George M. Pullman, industrialist 1831, Alexander Graham Bell, American Inventor 1847, Matthew Ridgway,  U.S. general 1895, Jean Harlow, actress 1911, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, athlete 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband forgot his wedding anniversary and had been given the silent treatment for a few days, so he decided to try to make it up to his wife and bought her a bunch of cheap flowers from the local gas station.

He got home to find his wife cleaning up in the kitchen. He put the flowers down on the counter-top next to her. The wife took a sideways glance at the half dead offering and sarcastically said,"I suppose you want me to open my legs for those." The husband turns to her and says, "You can love, but I think they'd look better in a vase....."

A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.

The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." He replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Murray and Rose are senior citizens and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Rose, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Rose says, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Murray goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Rose, do you notice anything different?" Rose says, "What's different, Murray? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Murray yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!" Rose replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

That's it for today, my little poochies. Remember, Smart Cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, February 24, 2017

Elliott And Earnhardt Jr Head Daytona 500 Field

It's Daytona weekend with the Nascar Truck race tonight at 7:30 (FS1), the Xfinity Series race on Saturday 3:30 pm (FS1) and Sunday's Daytona 500 at 1 pm (FOX). Chase Elliott, a repeat pole winner, and Dale Earnhardt Jr will start on the front row.

Judging from the amount of lead car moving and blocking techniques, combined with side-drafting used in the Can-Am qualifiers, staying in the lead will be a difficult job. Brad Keselowski and Denny Hamlin demonstrated this ability well.

NASCAR announced detailed changes as to how races will be run in stages in 2017. There are three stages in a race. Stage 1 and Stage 2 will reward drivers who are leading, or in the top 10, at the conclusion of each stage. The Final Stage will determine the race winner.

Additionally, the extent to which teams can make repairs will be more tightly policed beginning with the 2017 season. NASCAR officials unveiled a new Damaged Vehicle Policy, Under the guidelines, teams no longer will be allowed to replace damaged body parts that are the result of accidents or contact.

Repairs, such as fixing damaged sheet metal, will be allowed; however, teams will be given five minutes to fix damage once they enter pit road. If the damage requires the car to go behind pit wall or to the garage for repairs, the car will not be allowed to return to the race.

Also, if the repairs take longer than the five minutes allowed, the car will not be permitted to return to the race. Once repairs have been made, a car is still required to maintain the minimum speed determined for that event. Once that has been accomplished, the five-minute clock is reset in case the car needs to come back down pit road.

Previously, teams were allowed to replace any damaged panels or parts with no time limit and no penalty. Quarter panels, splitters, hoods and deck lids damaged in accidents were often removed and replaced. Some repairs were completed on pit road.

More extensive damage often meant a trip to the garage. Each time, the driver was sent back out onto the track as quickly as possible. That will no longer be the case. Heavily damaged cars that need extensive repairs that can't be done on pit road, Miller said, "are essentially going to be out of the race.

Denny Hamlin wins the second Can-Am race in last lap pass.
Denny Hamlin won the second Can-Am Duel Thursday night at Daytona, getting a run on the high outside line in the closing laps to spoil leader Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s bid for the victory. Hamlin also won a qualifying race last year en route to his first Daytona 500 title. Chase Elliott, who already has the Daytona 500 pole, won the first Duel.

The two qualifying races set the lineup for the Daytona 500 (Sunday, 2 pm).

D.J. Kennington will start his 30th Daytona 500 after racing his way into the field. He'll be joined by Corey LaJoie, who got a little help from Jimmie Johnson.

In the second Duel, Earnhardt, who led most of the race, took the lead after a caution for Jimmie Johnson’s flat. Denny Hamlin, who recovered from a pit road penalty early, moved up to second. He got a push on the outside from Austin Dillon and was able to pass Earnhardt, who will start second Sunday.

Eanhardt said, "I don’t know what I could have done better to defend that. Denny’s smart. He’s one of the great plate racers out there.” It was Hamlin’s third career Duel win and came the same day Joe Gibbs Racing announced a contract extension with the driver.

The News As I See It: YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is too sexy, the problem is you.

A zoo spokesman said that their YouTube cam had been reported as containing nude content. All animals are nude! They’re all nude! Every one of them is nude except for your neighbor’s dog who has to wear those stupid dog outfits that he clearly hates.

One of the seven newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels and sunglasses.

A new report projects that by 2020 the legal marijuana industry will create more than a quarter of a million jobs for people to be late to.

This Date In History: 1582; Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull introducing the Gregorian calendar reform. 1803; The Supreme Court ruled in Marbury v. Madison that any act of Congress which conflicts with the Constitution is null and void. 1821; Mexico declared its independence from Spain.

1868; Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States, became the first president to have impeachment proceedings brought against him by the House of Representatives. 1903; The lease for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was signed.

Picture Of The Day: Chase Elliott wins the Daytona 500 pole fir the second straight year.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What's a moderation and how do I drink in one? 2) Legend has it if you whisper IKEA 3 times in the mirror, an extra screw will appear and you'll be haunted by the piece of furniture you assembled wrong. 3) My bank officer wanted me to sign up for a 401k, but there's no way I can run that far. 4) The way I deal with an unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't be much use in bar fight.  5) I shouted, "Run, Forrest, run", but the trees just stood there, frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all......except for Crazy Larry and Wild Root Cream Oil Charlie.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 24th: Actions take a moment, consequences last a lifetime. Your friends won't forgive you if you don't take the opportunity you are presented with.Your lucky horse for today is "Sombrero's Lid." He's a long shot but so is his name. I'd wager $2 across the board.

Birthdays: Winslow Homer, American painter 1836, Honus Wagner, baseball player 1874, Chester William Nimitz, admiral 1885, Joseph Lieberman, politician 1942, Steve Jobs, entrepreneur 1955, Paula Zahn, TV news reporter, anchor 1956, Billy Zane, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: (Cabin Crew): "The pilot co-pilot are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane? (Harrison Ford): "I can." (Cabin Crew): "Anyone else?"

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. The blonde yelled back, "No, scarf!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"

That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, you know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

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Friday, February 17, 2017

The "CLash" And Pole Qualifying For The 2017 Daytona 500 Begin This Weekend

Recently known as the Sprint Unlimited and Bud Shootout, Saturday night's "Advance Auto Parts Clash at Daytona" unofficially kicks off the 2017 NASCAR season before next weekend's Daytona 500. The new Clash pays homage to the event originally known as the Busch Clash, an exciting non-points sprint race featuring an All-Star list of drivers.

Unlike previous years, the starting field for the 2017 Clash at Daytona will not be a predetermined number of cars. Instead, the field is limited to drivers who meet more exclusive criteria; Drivers who were 2016 pole winners, former Clash race winners, former Daytona 500 pole winners who competed full-time in 2016 and drivers who qualified for the 2016 Chase are eligible.

The ARCA Racing Series race will be televised on Saturday at 4:15 pm, on Fox Sports 1 followed by the Advance Auto Parts Clash at Daytona at 8 pm.

On Sunday, February, 19th, the Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Daytona 500 pole qualifying will be televised at 3 pm on Fox.The Daytona 500 will be the first Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series event to feature the new for 2017 points-paying competition breaks.

The Great American Race will consist of two 60-lap stages followed by an 80-lap showdown to determine a winner.

Stage lengths were also revealed for the season-opening races for both the NASCAR Xfinity Series and Camping World Truck Series at Daytona.

The first and second stages for the Truck Series race will be 20 laps each, with a 60-lap final stage. Stages one and two of the Xfinity Series race have been set at 30 laps, while the final stage will be 60 laps. Standard overtime rules apply for all three divisions.

The News As I See It: Taco Bell has announced plans to offer a $600 wedding service at its flagship restaurant in Las Vegas. And this is cool — the burritos are conveniently wrapped in divorce papers.

This Date In History: 1600; Italian philospher, alchemist, and Copernican theory advocate Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake for heresy by the Inquisition. 1801; The electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr was broken by the House of Representatives who elected Jefferson president.

1817; Baltimore became the first U.S. city lit by gas. 1864; The Confederate submarine Hunley, equipped with an explosive at the end of a protruding spar, rammed and sank the Union's ship Housatonic off the coast of Charleston, South Carolina.

1904; Puccini's opera Madama Butterfly premiered in Milan. 1972; President Richard Nixon left on his trip to China. 1996; Chess champion Garry Kasparov beat the IBM computer, Deep Blue, winning the six-game match. 2008; Kosovo declared independence from Serbia.

Picture Of The Day: The start/finish line at the world famous Daytona International Speedway.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whoever said "Out of sight, out of mind" has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom. 2) I almost hit a deer last night, but then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out. 3) Dogs lick each other's asses to show each other they like them - just like politicians. 4) If a tree falls in the woods, it should get up quickly and break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.  5) I remember when my ex-wife and I decided not to have children. The kids took it pretty hard.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 17th: You may hear a voice in your ear saying that you are here for a purpose. Don't pay any attention to the voice, they meant to say porpoise. That is, unless you're from Miami, in which case, take heed.

Birthdays: Arcangelo Corelli, composer and violinist 1653, Samuel Sidney McClure, editor and publisher 1857, Thomas John Watson, Sr., industrialist and philanthropist 1874, Jim Brown, football player 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A phenomena known as "women's intuition" a sixth sense if you will, is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?

In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly un-connectable pieces. That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower.

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. The husband explained, "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship."

He went on to say, "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

The altar boy relied, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I'm supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !