Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Very Punny !

Most puns are usually groaners but there are some that the authors have invested time and thought. You see, time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Today's pics are your challenge. Can you guess the titles?

Some of the pictures are relatively easy to figure out but one is going to be a bit tougher. To give you an idea of what I mean, the featured picture is entitled "Pumpkin Pi" (pie).

A pun is a play on words and there are quite a few good ones that I have encountered over time. We'll start with an easy one.....

The News As I See It: The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, "Even we can't put out that many fires."

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that the record turnout for Bernie Sanders’ rallies is great for the Democratic Party. It wasn't easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half.

For the first time this primary season, a national poll has placed Dr. Ben Carson as the Republican front-runner. Carson was so excited about the news, his eyes almost opened.

This Date In History: 1765; The Stamp Act Congress convened in New York to draw up colonial grievances against England. 1849; Poet-writer Edgar Allan Poe died at age 40. 1949; The Republic of East Germany was formed.

1968; The Motion Picture Association of America adopted its film-rating system, ranging from "G" for general audiences to "X" for adults only. 1985; The Italian cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked by Palestinian gunmen in the Mediterranean.

1998; Matthew Shepard, a gay student at the University of Wyoming, was beaten, robbed and left tied to a fence. He died five days later. 2001; U.S. and British forces launched bombing campaign against Taliban government and al-Qaeda terrorist camps in Afghanistan.

2003; California governor Gray Davis was recalled and former bodybuilder and actor Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected in his place.

Picture Of The Day: This one is not a pun, but I found it amusing. My friend Georgina posted in with the caption: "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I am hunting wabbits."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When vegans go missing, do they put pictures of them on soy milk cartons? 2) I want a cure for short-term memory loss! When do I want it? When do I want what? 3) It takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say bite me. 4) I roasted a duck last night, but I don't think he got all the jokes. 5) I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to a woman and not being able to remember her name, how I met her or why she's handcuffed to me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 7th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting, "It's not my fault." Chance of romance is....ah, forget it. Not much of a chance if you're running around naked.

Birthdays: James Whitcomb Riley, poet 1849, Niels Bohr, atomic physicist 1885, Desmond Tutu, South African religious leader 1931, Vladimir Putin, political figure 1952, Yo-Yo Ma, cellist 1955, Sherman Alexie, writer 1966, Rachel McAdams, actor 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."

Ethel said, "Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

This one is a bit tougher

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, '"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent.

The rabbi pondered over the conversation for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi leaned over to the priest and said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti"

That's it for today, my little niblets. Remember, some people's gene pool may have been one of those above ground ones. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Monday, October 5, 2015

Another Mundane Monday

One of the few positive things about Mondays is that blondes finally laugh at the jokes I told them at happy hour on Friday night. The good thing is that it's just about over and I've completed the first part of the the necessary steps to get to Friday.

Monday's news is always a reminder that the weekend is over and it's time to return to the real world. I'm able to cope with the reality of the first day of the work week but I sure as hell don't have to like it.

Here are some observations I have made today based on today's television and radio news and reports. Most of these reports are accurate but a few may have been contrived.

The News As I See It: More of Hillary Clinton's emails were released, and one shows that she had made a list of talking points for a trip to L.A. in case she ran into Ellen DeGeneres, which is ironic because Bill does the same thing in case he runs into Hillary.

Congrats to the Toronto Blue Jays for making the playoffs for the first time in 22 years. Nothing says "America's pastime" more than a bunch of guys from the Dominican Republic playing for a team in Canada.

Burger King has begun bottling its own merlot and they call it Whopper Wine. Not to be outdone, 7-Eleven has begun selling a product fermented for six months. They call it a hot dog.

This Date In History: 1877; Chief Joseph surrendered to the U.S. Army. 1910; King Manuel II was overthrown in a revolution and Portugal became a republic. 1921; The World Series was broadcast on the radio for the first time.

1947; In the first televised White House address, President Truman urged Americans to refrain from eating meat on Tuesdays and poultry on Sundays to help starving people in other countries.

1953; Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. 1962; The Beatles released their first hit, "Love Me Do," in Britain.

1990; Cincinnati's Contemporary Arts Center and its director were acquitted of obscenity charges resulting from an exhibit of Robert Mapplethorpe's photographs.

2001; Barry Bonds broke Mark McGwire's record of 71 home runs in one season when he hit his 71st and 72nd homers.

Picture Of The Day: Volkswagon seems to have a smoking problem.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 2) In order to fly on an airplane, I must be filled up with Dewars White Label Scotch at the same time as the airplane is filled with aviation fuel. 3) Snuggies are a stupid invention. Not only that, they're not new or an invention. In my house, we call them robes and if you're too stupid to operate a blanket, you deserve to be cold. 4) I've always wanted to go to a Senior's golf tournament and hook up the course's sprinkler system to The Clapper before the tournament. 5) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 5th: The Nigerian bank that is holding your email-friend's money may be a scam, but don't fret. Word has it that you may have already won 10 million dollars from Publisher's Clearing House. Chance of romance is 47 percent and that's about the best odds you'll get this week.

Birthdays: Jonathan Edwards,  theologian 1703, Francesco Guardi, landscape and architectural painter 1712, Denis Diderot,  encyclopedist 1713, Chester A. Arthur, 21st President of the United States 1830, Louis Lumiére, inventor 1864.

Raymond A. Kroc, who purchased McDonalds franchises from the McDonald brothers and became eventual owner and CEO 1902, Vaclav Havel, political leader, dramatist, poet 1936, Bob Geldof, rock musician 1951, Maya Lin, architect and artist 1959 Mario Lemieux, hockey player 1965, Kate Winslet, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answered with a seductive smile, Yes..."

Her husband said, "Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge that read, "It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mom’s."

So I checked the fridge. The light came on and the beer was cold. The fridge was working fine. I'm still not sure what the problem was.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are pretty.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.

Headline News From The Year 2030: Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off. Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

In Other News: Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba..... Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut..... Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States..... Senate still blocking drilling in ANWAR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays......

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative..... Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights..... New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2031..... IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent...... Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

That's it for today, my little starlings. Remember, if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, October 2, 2015

Timing Is Everything

It never fails. Nature beckons and you heed the call. The moment you take your position on the throne, somebody knocks on the door. The options are to abort or complete your mission. If you abort, surely the people at the door want to tell you about Jesus.

On the other hand, if you stay the course, the door knocker was delivering an important package or the postman has a special delivery. This is one of the few drawbacks about being single.

I have learned that packages I order from Amazon are usually delivered between 5-6 pm. Knowingly, I try to complete any of nature's calls prior to that time.

But Mother Nature seems to enjoy trifling with me and ofttimes my timing is foiled by an early delivery. As for the religion squad who are surely unemployed, I have answered the door clad only in my underwear. For some reason, they are stopping by less and less.

The News As I See It: CNN will break new ground by live streaming the next primary debate in virtual reality. With the help of a virtual reality headset, users can actually watch the debates from the perspective of an audience member. It'll feel like you're seeing Hillary Clinton right in front of you, but she's not actually there — just like the real Hillary Clinton!

NSA leaker Edward Snowden joined Twitter yesterday, and immediately got more followers than the NSA. Which raises an interesting question: Who’s following the NSA on Twitter?

This Date In History: 1919; President Woodrow Wilson suffered a stroke, which left him partially paralyzed. 1944; The two-month-long Warsaw Uprising was squelched by Nazi troops battling the Polish underground.

1950; The "Peanuts" comic strip, by Charles M. Schultz, first appeared in newspapers. 1958; Guinea proclaimed its independence from France.

1967; Thurgood Marshall was sworn in as the first black associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. 1998; Gene Autry, the singing cowboy and former owner of the Anaheim Angels baseball team, died at age 91.

Picture Of The Day: The Santa Fe River in Florida.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Funny....I don't remember being absent-minded. 2) Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 3) One day in the scary movie when the victim whispers, "Hello?", I want to see the killer shout out, "Hey! I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?" 4) It appears that someone has invited a lot of old people to my high school reunion. 5) A six year old boy was recently kicked out of school and suspended for kissing a girl. I glad all these laws are being passed now. When I was six years old, I was not a licensed physician, so I would have been doing hard time by the fourth grade.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 2nd: Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. Drinking alcohol may help, as well. Try to wear the underwear with the really strong elastic if you go out tonight.

Birthdays: Nat Turner, civil rights leader 1800, Mohandas Gandhi, Indian political and spiritual leader 1869, Wallace Stevens, poet 1879, Groucho Marx, comedian 1890, Graham Greene, novelist and playwright 1904, Donna Karan, fashion designer 1948, Sting, musician 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. She said, "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" He replied, "Morris Feinberg,"

The reporter asked, "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" Old Morris said, "For about 60 years." She said,"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

The old man said, "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." The reporter was amazed.

Old Morris continued, "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests. Finally, I pray that everyone will be happy".

The reporter asked, "And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" Morris replied, "Like I'm talking to a f*cking wall.....!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered that question!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." George replied, "Harriet, she's a prostitute." Harriet said, "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" George said, "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for "Bambi" to come to room 1217. George said, "Now, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?" Bambi said, "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. He said, "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must be a real hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." George said, "Well, I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. He says, "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force."

He continued,  "I remember, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these two fokkers appeared. I looked up, and right above me was one of them and I shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this moment, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.

The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" The pilot says, "That's true, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt's."

That's it for today, my little parakeets. Remember, you can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Lawyers Shouldn't Appear In Their Own Commercials

I saw a TV ad from a lawyer that stated, "If you have used the XYZ drug and have been injured or have recently passed, call the law offices of....." I so wanted to call them and say, "Hey, I passed last week. Do I qualify?"

Lawyers who appear in their own commercials are either stupid or cheap (or both). Since I'm a night owl, I know each and every one of these guys and I wouldn't let them represent me on a bet.

There are two brothers who I'll call "the Icebergs" who have been running the same ad for twenty years ( and they were old then!).

And they all feel the need to point! Like Smokey the Bear's old commercials, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires!" They really need to work on these pointing gestures. Apparently, they don't watch their own commercials.

Hey, everyone has to make a living, but passing the bar exam doesn't make you an actor. Lawyers get 33 percent of the proceeds in every case and 50 percent if they go to court. They should do themselves a favor and hire an actor.....

On A Sad Note: I learned yesterday that my friend and fellow blogger Rose Sisti has passed away from cancer. Rose was a sweet and caring lady who I will miss. Rest in peace, sweet Rose.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton went on "Meet the Press" and Chuck Todd actually showed her a video of all the times she's flip-flopped on issues. At first Hillary said she felt bad about it, but now she says she feels OK about it.

Pope Francis wrapped up his trip to the United States and while he was in Philadelphia, the Pope visited a prison. He said he couldn't believe how dirty and overcrowded it was, then his assistant said, "This is just the Amtrak station, we haven't gotten to the prison yet."

Delta will begin opening company spas at certain airports so that employees can get a massage. And if passengers want a massage, they can just leave their keys in their pockets when they go through security.

Under Donald Trump's proposed tax plan, you won't have to pay any income taxes if you make less than $25,000 a year or if you and your spouse make under $50,000 a year. And if you capture an illegal Mexican you won't pay any taxes at all.

Whole Foods announced that it is cutting 1,500 jobs. Although Whole Foods doesn't want to call them "unemployed." They're calling them "free range employees."

A referee in a professional soccer match in Brazil pulled a gun out during a game last week because he was tired of being treated poorly by players and coaches. And then out of habit, several players fell down and pretended they had been shot.

This Date In History: 1791; Mozart's opera The Magic Flute premiered in Vienna, Austria. 1927; Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run. The record stood until Roger Maris hit 61 in 1961. Mark McGwire beat Maris's record in 1998 by hitting 70 and Barry Bonds topped this in 2001 with 73.

1938; Britain and France surrendered to Germany's demands concerning the Sudetenland, and signed the Munich Pact. 1946; Twenty-two Nazi leaders were found guilty at the Nuremberg trials.

1949; The Berlin Airlift came to an end. 1955; Actor James Dean was killed in a car crash. 1966; Botswana gained its independence from Great Britain.

Picture Of The Day: Yep......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they also provide clues. 2) My friend's uncle was found wandering aimlessly in the shoe department at Sears. He's glad because his uncle wore Crocs to his wedding in 2006. 3) A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos. 4) My favorite part of our romantic date was when she told me that she wanted to have my kids. Then I gave them to her, all 3 of them.  5) Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got into their house..and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 30th: Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts, so please bear in mind that any visits to the produce section of the grocery store may prove embarrassing. Chew the cud with some friends today. Their inane chatter may amuse you. Chance of romance is 47 percent and possibly higher if your trip to the grocery store works out.

Birthdays: Hans Geiger, physicist 1882, David Oistrakh, violinist 1908, Lester Maddox, public official 1915, Truman Capote, novelist 1924, Martina Hingis, tennis player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink. The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

With that, the host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I would die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: On a train from London to Manchester, a man was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

The man said, "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll go you one better. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

That's it for today, my little roadrunners. Remember, the best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, September 28, 2015

(Red) Moon Over Miami

Like most most lunar / solar events, I missed the Supermoon. I had every intention to watch it, but I was exhausted after racing in the Nascar New Hampshire 300, switching occasionally to the Miami Dolphin game to assure that Miami was still playing like my high school football team.

The Supermoon phenomenon occurs when the moon is full at its perigee - the closest part of its orbit around Earth (226,000 miles), meaning it appears larger in the sky. And those lucky to be in North America, South America, West Africa and Western Europe could also enjoy the blood moon as a total lunar eclipse also occurred.

Yep, after the Nascar race and a few Coronas, my recliner just slipped back into cruise control and I woke up a 2 am. 

Fret not, my little stargazers. For those that missed it, the next Supermoon eclipse is due in 2033 and I've already circled my calendar.

The News As I See It: House Speaker John Boehner announced that he is resigning from Congress. When he heard Congress lost Boehner, John McCain said, “Oh I got a little blue pill for that.' "No, Boehner. We lost House Speaker Boehner!" It's pronounced Bay-ner.

Traffic was really backed up in New York City because of the Pope's visit, but a company called Blade offered $95 helicopter rides around the city. Even the Pope said, "I believe in God, but not enough to take a $95 helicopter ride."

In New York, everyone's ecstatic about a visitor to these shores that is inspiring millions to weep tears of joy and devotion. I speak, of course, of the new iPhone 6s. This afternoon, iPhone fans lined up at the Apple Store as the Catholic faithful lined up to see the Pope's procession through Central Park. It was hard to decide which object of worship you should line up for. I mean, they're both pretty special, and both available in a protective case. I just don't understand why the Holy Father still only comes in white.

This Date In History: 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego. 1781; The closing campaign of the American Revolution at Yorktown Heights, Va. began.

1920; Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted for fixing the 1919 World Series in the "Black Sox scandal." 1924; Two U.S. Army planes landed in Seattle after completing the first round-the-world-flight in 175 days.

1939; A German-Soviet agreement divided Poland between Nazi Germany and the USSR. 1967; Walter Washington became the first mayor of the District of Columbia. 1972; Japan and Communist China agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations.

1989; Former Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos died in exile in Hawaii. 1991; Jazz great Miles Davis died. 2003; Althea Gibson, the first African-American tennis player to win at Wimbledon, died.

Picture Of The Day: Selfies can be dangerous.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I knew I was drunk Saturday night when I realized I cooked my pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees. 2) I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook  to see if I was lying. 3) It's been 20 years since I've worn a watch. Coincidentally, I haven't poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20 years. 4) You know those movie scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table, throws a woman on top and does her? I did that once with a pizza. 5) I shouted "Run, Forrest, run", but the trees just stood there, frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all......except for Crazy Larry and Wild Root Cream Oil Charlie.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 28th: When faced with life's problems, you generally prefer to stride in with both boots kicking. However, today's "life problem" is that you will step in dog shit. No chance of romance with your boots in that condition.

Birthdays: Michelangelo Caravaggio, Italian painter, (est) 1573, Georges Clemenceau, political figure 1841, Avery Brundage, sports executive 1887, Ed Sullivan, television personality 1901, Al Capp, cartoonist 1909, Alice Marble, tennis player 1913, Marcello Mastroianni, actor 1924, Brigitte Bardot actress 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An attractive young lady, who thought she was overweight, went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise and other things.

Her final question to the dietitian sparked interest in him. She asked,"How many calories are in sperm?" The dietitian asked, "Why?" She explained some of the things she liked to do.

After thinking a minute, he said,"I really have no clue, but if you are doing that, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"

Three men are traveling in the Amazon - a German, an American and a Mexican. Suddenly, they get captured by some Amazons.

The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!"

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" The Mexican says, "I will take nothing! He stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

The Amazons ask the American, "What will you take on your back?" The American responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Matt Kenseth Wins Nascar New Hampshire race

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood, knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." The man said, "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

The man said, "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." The priest asked, "And what is that, my son?" The man said, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be Einstein to know this guy is Jewish.

So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says "thank you" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab.

He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "thank you."

The Arab asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me." The bartender replies, "He owns the place."

That's it for today, my little monkey shines. Remember, you know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

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