Friday, May 27, 2016

The Flying Cockroach Theory

Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Newton's Third Law and other laws fall short when compared to the Flying Cockroach Theory, which states: In a crowded room, a flying cockroach will always land on you.

Inspired and given birth by Murphy's Law, which basically states that if something can go wrong, it will, the Flying Cockroach theory further pinpoints how wrong some things can go.

There is nothing more humiliating than the reaction of a person who screams like a school girl when the dreaded kamikaze alights on them. Similarly, it can be compared to one's reaction when seaweed touches one's foot while swimming in the ocean.

This reaction occurs to everyone, from little girls to hardened combat veterans. The main reasoning behind this fear is a recent scientific discovery described as the "icky factor".

Originally, Murphy's Law stated that If there are two or more ways to do something and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it. Since then, several variations of the law have been incorporated as a definition.

Some laws, while accurate, are not very explanatory. For example. formally stated, Newton's third law is: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

While the scientific community seems to be in agreement with the law and its implications, I firmly believe that the idea behind the law was borne and influenced by flatulence.

While most actions and reactions can be scientifically explained, only those who have ever been afflicted by the Flying Cockroach Theory can truly identify with the phenomenon.

Monday is Memorial Day, a time when we observe the men and women of the armed forces who were injured or killed in battle. Please take the time to remember these valiant warriors who gallantly served their country.

The News As I See It: Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using "bad judgment." Priebus said, "I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus."

The Taliban has named a new leader this week after their former leader was killed in a drone strike over the weekend. It’s the only job interview where the correct answer to "Where do you see yourself in five years?" is "I don’t."

Obama signed legislation this week that replaced the term "Eskimo" in all federal laws with the phrase "Alaska Native." O'DumbAss failed to take into consideration the case of Jerry O'Rourke, who was born and raised In Alaska and thereby, an Alaskan native.

This Date In History: 1647; The first recorded execution of a witch reportedly took place in Massachusetts when Achsah Young was hanged. 1703; St. Petersburg was founded by Czar Peter the Great. 1936; The Queen Mary left England on its maiden voyage, arriving in France four hours later.

1937; Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco opened. 1941; British ships sank the German battleship Bismarck off the coast of France, resulting in the loss of 2,300 lives. 1994; Nobel-prize winning dissident, Alexandr Solzhenitsyn returned to Russia after 20 years in exile.

1996; After a year and a half of bloodshed, Russian President Boris Yeltsin met with the leader of the Chechen rebels and negotiated a cease-fire. 1999; Slobodan Milosevic was indicted by the International War Crimes Tribunal at the Hague for crimes against humanity.

Picture Of The Day: The complexity of eradication of the famed Flying Cockroach.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I rarely worry where the subject matter will come from for my next journal entry. Deep down, I know I can always rely on a politician shooting himself in the foot. 2) My credit is so bad that Mastercard is now sending me my bills in Spanish. 3) When I was married, I took my wife everywhere, but she always found her way back. 4) I'm not saying that she was not attractive. I'm just saying that I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs. 5) The doctor said, "I'm sorry sir, your mother-in-law didn't make it." I answered, "Was it the lack of prayers on Facebook?" The doctor replied, "Yes sir, I'm afraid it was".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 27th: Fridays are for good times, so let your hair down and go for it. If you're going to the local pub, just remember, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Birthdays: Cornelius Vanderbilt, industrialist, financier 1794, Julia Ward Howe, author and social reformer 1819, Wild Bill Hickok, frontier marshal 1837, Dashiell Hammett, writer 1894, Rachel Louise Carson, biologist, author 1907, John Cheever, novelist 1912, Henry Kissinger, American political scientist and U.S. Secretary of State (1973–77) 1923.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force pilot shook his head and in true pilot fashion said. "And to think that all these years I've just been chewing gum."

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a man, Tom Maynard, has sued St Luke's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied,"Mrs. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct her eyesight."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?"

That's it for today, my little putty tats. Remember, forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great Memorial day weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

State Dept Audit Finds Hillary at Fault Over Emails

Surprise! A State Department audit found Hillary Clinton and previous secretaries of state at fault for their use of private email. A copy of the report was obtained by the Associated Press this morning. The Ap cites "longstanding, systemic weaknesses" related to communications.

These started before Clinton's appointment as secretary of state, but her failures were singled out as more serious. The review came after revelations Clinton exclusively used a private email account and server while in office. Clinton was also criticized for her lack of cooperation with the investigation.

The 78-page report says the department and its secretaries were "slow to recognize and to manage effectively the legal requirements and cybersecurity risks associated with electronic data communications, particularly as those risks pertain to its most senior leadership."

Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) reacted on America's Newsroom, highlighting the fact that the audit also criticizes Clinton for failing to turn over her emails promptly. It also specifically accuses her of violating department policy by not giving over emails when she left office

Sessions called that "totally unacceptable" and contrary to Clinton's claims that she has been fully cooperating, adding "This is the kind of troubling event that casts credibility doubts over Hillary Clinton.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is "Stronger Together." Which replaces her old slogan, "Goddammit, It’s My Turn!"

It's reported that Donald Trump may have actually done business with the mob ... even has ties to an ex-convict named Joey No Socks. When asked about his relationship with Trump, Joey No Socks said, "That's between me and Danny Three Wives."

There was a brief security scare when some party balloons drifted over the White House fence. The White House staff were pretty worried, especially when they saw Obama tying those balloons to a lawn chair.

Last Saturday was the 141st running of the Preakness and it was won by a horse named Exaggerator. Apparently, he won just by promising to make horse racing great again.

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitutional Convention convened in Philadelphia under the leadership of George Washington, in order to establish a new U.S. government. 1925; John Scopes was indicted for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution.

1935; American track star Jesse Owens broke three world records and tied another in a little over an hour. 1965; Muhammad Ali knocked Sonny Liston out cold in the first round, after 1 minute and 56 seconds, for the world heavyweight title. 1968; The Gateway Arch was dedicated in St. Louis.

1969; Midnight Cowboy, the only x-rated film to win a best picture Oscar, was released. 1979; The worst air disaster in U.S. history (excluding the Sept. 11 attacks) occurred when a DC-10 crashed at Chicago's O'Hare airport, killing over 270 people.

Picture Of The Day: Although the democrats and the corrupt Obama administration will undoubtedly find a way to let Hillary off the hook (witness IRS head Lois Lerner and Attorney General Eric Holder), the visual warms my heart.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was eight-years-old, I saw a picture of myself in one of those strollers for twins. I asked Dad why there were two seats in the stroller. He said I used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.  2) Alcohol is not the answer, it just helps you forget the question. 3) I got excited thinking my girlfriend was touching herself under the covers but she was actually just opening a KitKat bar that she didn't wanna share. 4) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that a chicken is food, not a roommate or a 5 am alarm clock. 5) I had amnesia once - maybe twice.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 25th: The weather looks good for a fine day assuming that you always keep an umbrella with you. Don't laugh, it worked for Mary Poppins. If you're going to happy hour, stay away from the bean dip.

Birthdays: Ralph Waldo Emerson, American poet and essayist 1803, Igor Ivanovich Sikorsky, Inventor 1889, Gene Tunney, boxer 1897, Robert Ludlum, novelist 1927, Beverly Sills, singer 1929, Frank Oz, puppeteer 1944, Jamaica Kincaid, writer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man, somewhat new to the gym, happened to notice a beautiful young woman working out. Not in the best physical condition, he asked the trainer, "I want to impress that beautiful girl over there. Which machine would you advise me to use?" The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"

Thousands of illegal immigrants continue to rally across the country, demanding a path to citizenship. Don't they understand that we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

Davey asked the priest, "Father Donovan, what is this? Father Donovan replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. The mother mouse to her baby, "See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

That's it for today, my little dixie cups. Remember, people who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones that dropped it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Wednesday.

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Monday, May 23, 2016

Bonnie And Clyde

On this date in 1934, Bonnie (Parker) and Clyde (Barrow) were killed in a police shootout. The infamous duo were ambushed and killed on a rural road in Bienville Parish, Louisiana. The couple appeared in daylight in an automobile and were shot by a posse of four Texas officers and two Louisiana officers.

Bonnie and Clyde were American criminals who traveled the central United States with their gang during the Great Depression, robbing and killing people. At times, the gang included Clyde's older brother Buck Barrow and his wife Blanche, Raymond Hamilton, W. D. Jones, Joe Palmer, Ralph Fults, and Henry Methvin.

Their exploits captured the attention of the American public during the "Public Enemy Era", between 1931 and 1935. Though known today for his dozen-or-so bank robberies, Barrow preferred to rob small stores or rural gas stations. The gang is believed to have killed at least nine police officers and several civilians.

The couple were eventually ambushed and killed by law officers near the town of Sailes, in Bienville Parish, Louisiana. Their reputation was revived and cemented in American pop folklore by Arthur Penn's 1967 film Bonnie and Clyde, in which they were played by Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty.

Even during their lifetimes, their depiction in the press was at considerable odds with the hardscrabble reality of their life on the road, especially for Bonnie Parker. She was present at a hundred or more felonies during the two years she was Barrow's companion, but she was not a machine gun-wielding killer as depicted in the newspapers, newsreels and pulp detective magazines of that time.

Gang member W. D. Jones later testified he could not recall ever having seen her shoot at a law officer. Bonnie's reputation as a cigar-smoking gun moll grew out of a playful snapshot police found at an abandoned hideout. It was released to the press and published nationwide. Parker did chain smoke Camel cigarettes, but she never smoked cigars.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are starting to really go at it. This week Hillary criticized Trump's behavior, saying that when you run for president, the rest of the world is watching. The rest of the world was like, "Yeah, we know Hillary. We've seen the Trump ads about Bill's sexual escapades we're loving it!"

At a rally with Chris Christie in New Jersey, Donald Trump said, "If you can make it in New Jersey, you can do just about anything you want in life." Then Trump looked at Christie and said, "Well, except be President."

A new poll found that 90 percent of Native Americans aren't bothered by the controversial name of the Washington Redskins. It turns out the name Native Americans dislike the most is still the Cowboys.

The Centers for Disease Control issued a new report that 80 percent of hot tubs inspected in 2013 had at least one violation. Which reminds me, "The Bachelorette" premieres tonight on ABC!

This Date In History: 1430; Joan of Arc was captured by the Burgundians and subsequently sold to the English. 1788; South Carolina became the 8th state in United States. 1830; The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad began the first passenger service in the United States.

1873; The North West Mounted Police force was formed in Canada. It would later be known as the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 1911; The New York Public Library, at the time the largest marble structure ever built in the United States, was dedicated by President Taft in New York City after 16 years of construction.

1934; Bonnie (Parker) and Clyde (Barrow) were killed in a police shootout. 1945; Heinrich Himmler, head of Adolf Hitler’s Gestapo, committed suicide while in prison. 1949; The German Federal Republic came into existence. 1997; Moderate Mohammad Khatami was elected president of Iran.

Picture Of The Day: The shootout in Louisiana killed Bonnie and Clyde. Bonnie's lifeless body can be seen slumped over the the front seat.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went to the grocery store and bought four apples. The cashier said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "No, I'm a juggler." 2) I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient and I bet I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's. 3) My ex-secretary had no patience. She said, "If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!" 4) The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 5) Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 23rd: The future will find you in good spirits. In the midst of these good spirits you may meet someone that you are immediately fond of. Due to this, your good spirits will wax and wane over the coming weeks. Don't 'ya just hate it when your spirits wax and wane?

Birthdays: Carolus Linnaeus, botanist 1707, Margaret Fuller, American writer and lecturer 1810, Alfred Pritchard Sloan, Jr., businessman and philanthropist 1875, Douglas Fairbanks, actor 1883, John Bardeen,  physicist 1908, Anatoly Karpov, chess master 1951, Jewel, singer, songwriter 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and placed his hand on her thigh. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." The woman yelled, "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" The drunk muttered, "You sound like her too!"

My father walked six miles a day, barefoot through snow, uphill both ways, to get to school. At least that's what he told me the first time I complained about walking a half mile to school.

Years later, my friend, who had recently undergone a colonoscopy, was telling Dad about the pain and pressure that he felt while the camera was in "Neverland". Dad told him that, back in the day, his colonoscopy was done by a sketch artist.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The circus came to town and an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a man and a woman. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and a chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger. The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her and put its face between her legs. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs and rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar and said, "You betcha! Just get rid of that damned tiger!"

A man was eating lunch with his 10-year-old granddaughter and he asked her, "How are you doing in school?" The little girl said, "I'm doing great. We're learning about the new holiday, "President Obama Day" that occurs on June 1st.

Her grandfather said, "President's Day is in February. What does President Obama Day mean?"

She replied, "I know. We've studied the February date, but this is a new holiday. President Obama Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have one more year of unemployment."

That's it for today, my little onion rings. Remember, honk if you love Jesus and text while driving if you want to meet him.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

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Friday, May 20, 2016

Odds And Ends - A Recurring Theme

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash, that they announced that they are going to solicit corporate sponsors. Soon, sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. So, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack!

Hillary Clinton remarked that the Egypt Air crash appeared to be terrorism. She said the incident reinforces the need for strong American leadership. Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't put the blame on a video like she did with Benghazi.

Donald Trump was officially endorsed today by the National Rifle Association (NRA). The NRA's endorsement comes significantly earlier in the election cycle than previous endorsements by the group. The group did not endorse 2012 GOP nominee Mitt Romney until October 2012.

The News As I See It: Despite Hillary Clinton's promises to be tough on Wall Street, a new report has found that groups supporting Hillary have received $25 million from the financial industry using so-called shadow banks. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has received a new waffle iron for opening a savings account.

According to a new report, Spain's federal debt is now greater than their gross domestic product. Spanish citizens are so upset, they could barely sleep all afternoon.

Bernie Sanders won Oregon. It's funny with Oregon. If recreational marijuana is legal in your state, you can pretty much guarantee Bernie will win it. Democrats are concerned that Sanders' campaign could alienate enough voters to hand Donald Trump the election. Bernie said, “Listen, I'm 74 years old. I'm surrounded by college girls screaming my name. Don't ruin this for me.”

Wendy's has implemented its own invasion. The company is set to debut computerized self-service kiosks in 6,000 of its restaurants this year. It's cheaper than paying morons to flip burgers for $15 an hour.

This Date In History: 1506; Christopher Columbus died in Spain. 1861; North Carolina voted to secede from the Union. 1927; Charles Lindbergh began the first solo nonstop transatlantic flight, departing from Long Island aboard the Spirit of Saint Louis.

1932; Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. 1961; A mob attacked a busload of "freedom riders" in Montgomery, Ala., setting the bus on fire.

1978; Mavis Hutchinson, 53, became the first woman to run across America. The 3,000-mile trek took her 69 days. She ran an average of 45 miles each day.

1996; In a 6-3 vote, the Supreme Court rejected a Colorado measure banning laws that protect homosexuals from discrimination. 2002; East Timor became the what was then the world's newest nation.

Picture Of The Day: The eagle votes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex's body. Just kidding.....I like the show. Besides, she's buried in the woods. 2) I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself. 3) My friend told me that she went to the doctor this morning and she has mono. In this day and age, I think she should have surround sound. 4) My buddy told me that that his wife was driving him to drink. He's lucky, my ex-wife made me walk. 5) Th ..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 20: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: William Thornton, architect 1759, Dolley Madison, American First Lady 1768, Honoré de Balzac, novelist 1799, John Stuart Mill, philosopher 1806, James Stewart, actor 1908, Moshe Dayan, military leader 1915, Cher, actress, pop star 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet.

The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane."

The old man said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Two elderly folks, Murray and Rose, lived in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.

He called in Rose and said, "Rose, you know Murray has already suffered two heart attacks." Rose said, "I don't care. I love him and I want to get married."

The doctor called in Murray and said, "Look, Murray, I know you want to get married, but I must tell you that Rose has acute angina." Murray said, "I know. She's got great tits too!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At New York's Kennedy airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, a police spokesperson said he believed the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

When asked to comment on the arrest,  Barry Hussein Soetero-Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"

She continued, "Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts, yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say bite me. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

They Meant to Name It "Brella" But They Hesitated

I have an umbrella on my shopping list. I already have one, it's just that we are never together when I need it. I now find I must have one in the house and another in the car, much like the glasses scattered around my house and in the car.

Like Murphy's Law, when the need for an umbrella arises, it is always in a place that I am not. If it begins to rain and I'm in the house, the umbrella is in the car and vice-versa.

In the same manner, when I need my glasses to read, they are at the computer. When I need my distance glasses to drive or watch TV.....well, you get the gist.

My answer to these logistics are to put a pair of readers and distance glasses in every place I use them. The same goes for Chapstick, which is in the same places and always on my person.

We are now in the rainy season and I have already been affected twice for lack of a second umbrella, a problem that I will solve tomorrow, if I don't forget my shopping list.....

Inside every woman is a little girl who wants to "dress up" like Mommy does.....

The News As I See It: Former Republican hopeful John Kasich said today that "somebody" had called him to encourage him to run as a third-party candidate, but declined to say who. Oh my God, John, the calls are coming from inside the house!

Yesterday was the Kentucky Democratic Primary and, in an act of desperation, Bernie went by the name, "Colonel Sanders."

This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."

1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power. 1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years.

1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over. 2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse.

2003; President Megawati Sukarnoputri of Indonesia declared martial law and sent 30,000 troops into Aceh. 2004; Sonia Gandhi stunned her party, the Indian National Congress, by refusing to accept the position of prime minister of India.

Picture Of The Day: Yes Martin, I, too, have a dream.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups. 2) According to my neighbor's rooster, it's 5am now. Coincidentally, tomorrow we're having fried chicken for dinner. 3) My girlfriend's been having a problem with diarrhea. The doctor told her lemons will help. Maybe so, but as soon as she takes one out, it starts again. 4) When I was a child, I dreamt of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet paper with aloe. 5)  Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that squirrel beat him to death.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 18th: Today, you will learn that the average male has had 15 sex partners, the average female has had 7 and the average penguin has had one. You will also learn that you're a penguin. The urban term "chillax" is a combination of the slang "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."

BirthdaysMy son, Kevin 19XX, Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philospher 1872, Walter Gropius, architect 1883, Ezio Pinza, singer 1892, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope (1978–2005), a Pole named Karol Jozef Wojtyla, successor of John Paul I 1920, Reggie Jackson, baseball player 1946, Chow Yun-Fat, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years, but he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the "Egyptian Taylor Swift."

After he dumped Cleo, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar's cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger.

A woman wanted a face lift and her surgeon told her about a new procedure, "We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob." The woman says, "That sounds good."

Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes." The surgeon replies, I'm sorry, but those aren't bags. Those are your tits." The woman says, "Well, that explains the goatee."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars." This went on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!" The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

That's it for today, my little quackers. Remember, if you're under the weather today, don't feel alone because so is everyone else. See, that's how weather works. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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