Friday, July 3, 2015

New i-Phone Cover Fad Could Lead to User's Death

A new i-phone cover that looks very much like a real handgun could easily lead to the user being shot and killed, especially at night. Police officers don't have the luxury of time when making split-second decisions while interacting with the public.

In the case of a reported shooting threat or shooting, police would respond quicker to a suspect who happened to be holding this new i-phone cover. The same is true of traffic stops. A phone cover resembling a weapon in a car would automatically be a perceived threat to the police officer.

Many police departments have gone to Facebook and Twitter warning of the dangers of these new covers. Critics are livid, calling the covers dangerous and demanding that they be banned.

I would suggest to all parents that they make sure that their children to not have or use these cases. On the other hand, you could do nothing and possibly attend your own child's funeral. It's your call.......

The News As I See It: Macy's has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men's wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece.

A leading Native-American activist is being accused of not being Native American at all. Yeah, another one of those. Authorities grew suspicious after the woman said her tribal name is "Listens to Josh Groban."

A newly released email reveals that Hillary Clinton said to a co-worker, "I heard on the radio there's a cabinet meeting. Can I go?" In another email she said she found out about the debt ceiling from Smooth Jazz 94.7.

For the first time in 24 years, Jupiter and Venus appeared almost on top of each other. So the gay marriage ruling is having more of an impact than we thought.

This Date In History: 1608; Samuel de Champlain founded the city of Quebec. 1775; Commander in chief George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Massachusetts.

1863; The Battle of Gettysburg ended. 1890; Idaho became the 43rd state in the United States. 1930; The U.S. Veterans Administration was created by Congress.

1962; Jackie Robinson became the first African-American to be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. 1962; Algeria became independent after 132 years of French rule.

Picture Of The Day: The Fourth of July weekend is upon us. Remember to respect the flag and what it stands for. Remember the men and women of the armed forces, both past and present, as we celebrate this holiday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's 2015 and somehow we still don't have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are. 2) A murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins.....a herpe of Kardashians. 3) Every time I'm watching something on TV that I really like, my girlfriend starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn't use them. 4) I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.  5) According to my Google history, I spent most of last Saturday night drinking scotch and trying to buy a llama.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - July 3rd: Look left and right before taking your next step. What you believe to be a good idea will prove to be wrong, especially if it involves a billy goat. Eat a live toad today and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the week, assuming you don't go with me to happy hour.

Birthdays: John Singleton Copley, painter 1738, M. F. K. Fisher, writer 1908, Tom Stoppard, playwright 1937, Tom Cruise. actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

They went on and on, then the Greek says, "We invented sex." The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary gear together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!" Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!." She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'."

The old guy obeys and says,"99." The doctor says, "Great."Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor says, "Good. Now, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand. With the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy says, "One...Two...Three..."

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

The priest takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bicycle." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "That my bicycle."

That's it for today, my little sweet potatoes. Remember, it isn't until your kids start talking back that you realize a dog or cat would've been a better option. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Sit Down And Let Me 'Splain You Something, Lucy

Many years ago, my Dad sat me down and the explained the proverbial difference between shit and Shinola. Looking back, I don't think the little boys who grew up to be politicians were ever taught this concept.

Politicians continue to worry about what is politically correct and tiptoe around much bigger problems. The deficit is currently around 19 trillion dollars. The spending does not need to be slowed, it needs to be reversed. Big government needs to be shrunk and cuts should be made across the board.

Meanwhile, Mexicans and other illegals are crossing the southern border like ants at a picnic. Islamic terrorist roam the country at will because we can't identify them. The Veterans Administration hospitals are in worse shape before "the chosen one" said it would be fixed a year ago. There is less and less respect for law enforcement. The list goes on and on.

Lawmakers legislate new laws to accommodate the few, some good, some not so good. In the interim, Detroit is bankrupt, the state of Illinois is near bankruptcy, as is California and Puerto Rico. Either way the burden and cost will fall on what remains of the middle class.

Well guess what? You can stick being politically correct where the sun doesn't shine. You can write new laws about the supposed persecution of others and that's fine. But you can't legislate any law that makes me like you. If you act like an ass and dress like an ass, I will avoid you. This is the number one thing that the supposedly oppressed and persecuted need to learn. It's as simple as knowing the difference between shit and Shinola.

The News As I See It: Chris Christie launched his presidential campaign in the gymnasium of his old high school. He wanted to launch it in his school's cafeteria but there's still a restraining order. Christie's campaign slogan is "Telling it like it is." This is in contrast to Hillary's slogan, "Explaining why this is not what it looks like."

Donald Trump's comments about illegal immigrants has pissed off the ultra liberal NBC. Trump isn't even president yet and he's already making America a better place. Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.

Greece has closed their nation's banks this week in response to its escalating financial crisis. Greece said, "We'll bounce back. We've just had a rough 2,000 years."

This Date In History: 1863; The Battle of Gettysburg, which marked the turning point in the Civil War, began. 1867; Canada became a self-governing dominion of Great Britain under the British North America Act.

1898; Theodore Roosevelt and his Rough Riders fought the battle of San Juan Hill in the Spanish-American War. 1943; Income tax withholding began in the United States. 1962; Burundi and Rwanda achieved independence.

1963; The U.S. Post Office inaugurated its five-digit ZIP (Zone Improvement Plan) codes. 1968; The United States, Britain, the Soviet Union, and 58 other nations signed the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

1994; Yasir Arafat returned to Palestinian land after 27 years in exile. 1997; After 156 years of British colonial rule, Hong Kong was returned to China.

2000; The Confederate flag was removed from the South Carolina statehouse. 2000; Vermont's civil unions law went into effect. 2013; Croatia became the 28th member of the European Union.

Picture Of The Day: Thank God for Grandmas and Grandpas.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Five years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today, I asked that same girl to marry me. She said no both times. 2) The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe Flash. 3) Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS. I haven't run out of receipt yet. 4) When people say things like "You can't change the past", I can't help but wonder what it must be like to be that brilliant.  5) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 1,582 times, you're a weatherman.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - July 1st: This year your birthday falls on a Wednesday. Hey, everyone gets their chance with Wednesdays, so have a great time. Do something different today (except for that stunt you pulled last year) and make it a great day. Chances for romance are extremely high, but bear in mind that's partly due to the fact that it's your birthday and the pity factor.

Birthdays: George Sand, novelist 1804, Louis Blériot, aviator and inventor 1872, Thomas A. Dorsey, gospel musician 1899, Charles Laughton, actor 1899, Estée Lauder, cosmetics company founder, 1908 Olivia De Havilland, actress 1916, Sydney Pollack, producer, director, actor 1934, Twyla Tharp, choreographer 1941, Kalpana Chawla, astronaut 1961, Carl Lewis, athlete 1961, Diana, Princess of Wales 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying nude on the couch. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

The mother-in-law asked, "What are you doing?" The daughter-in-law said, "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work. I am wearing my love dress." The mother-in-law said, "Love dress? But you're naked!"

The daughter-in-law replied, "My husband loves me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

Her husband said, "What are you doing?" His wife whispered sensually, "This is my love dress." Her husband replied, "Needs ironing....."

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the bird's last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the parrot down on the table. The parrot looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, two new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.

Later that evening, her husband came home. The parrot said, "Hi Jimmy!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two young med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart. But I was wrong, too."

TA fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

He continued, "From now on when I say 'Bell 1', I want you to strip naked. When say 'Bell 2', I want you to jump in bed and when I say 'Bell 3', we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife replied, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

That's it for today, my little french fries. Remember, fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Monday, June 29, 2015

A Tribute To A Dear Friend

I learned last week that my dear friend Mercy Silva Hernandez passed away after a gallant fight with cancer. Mercy and I met in the early '70s and was one of the finest persons I've ever known. Although I learned this last week, I needed some time to consider how I would write this memorium.

Mercy was a successful real estate agent and mortgage broker, but more importantly, a great friend. I don't handle prolonged sickness or death well, yet somehow I feel relieved knowing that Mercy is no longer suffering and is in a better place.

Aside from our friendship, Mercy and I served together on the Miami Dade Board of Realtors. Each board member is required to chair a sub-committee. Neither Mercy nor I were interested in any political committees, so we co-chaired the Social Committee, which consisted of planning banquets, parties and like invents. It was tantamount to leaving mice to tend the cheese. We threw some classic parties.

Mercy and her husband, Pedro, also had a yearly Christmas party at their business and those in the know were quite aware that this was a party not to be missed. Live music, in-house singers and performers, plenty of liquor and, my favorite, lechon asado (roasted pork), black beans and rice, platanos maduros (fried plantains) and yuca con mojo. Great times!

Fittingly, Mercy's birthday, is December 31st (New Year's Eve) and I spent many a New Year's Eve at Pedro and Mercy's house. As Mercy was an accomplished singer-musician, the room was filled with drums, congas and complete with a P.A. system and multiple microphones. The night was filled with dancing and singers. 

Mercy always smiled. I cannot ever remember seeing her angry. My heart goes out to her husband Pedro, her family and friends. I will miss Mercy, her infectious smile and the great times we spent together. Rest in peace my sweet friend.....

The News As I See It: In politics, you can't predict the outcome. Hillary was inevitable in '08 and then somebody newer and younger came along and it happened to her, just like with her husband...somebody newer and younger came along. This woman just can't catch a just keeps happening to her ~ Bill Maher (paraphrased)

Sarah Palin went on Facebook to announce that her daughter Bristol's wedding has been called off. She said the two families will still get together on the wedding day to "celebrate life." In other words, the caterers already have been paid for.

Apple is developing a service called Home Kit that will allow people to operate gadgets like garage openers and thermostats through one app. In related news, please don't tell my kids about this. They're already tired of explaining this new stuff to me.

This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare's Henry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts.

1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.

1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.

Picture Of The Day: Chief Justice John Roberts saved Obamacare three years ago. On Thursday of last week, the George W. Bush appointee again helped Obama’s signature legislative achievement avoid a potentially devastating blow.

It’s a sad day for the Constitution when the clear terms of a statute can be "interpreted" away in the service of an aggressively lawless president. It is clearly evident that Republicans misjudged the chief justice when he was nominated a decade ago.

Thanks for the help, Bro. High five !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have no pride in relationships. My girlfriend broke up with me and I offered to stay on as the gardener. 2) I'm really not sure why people tell me to "be honest", then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce. 3) She said, "Go down a water slide without water and you'll understand why foreplay is so important." 4) Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.  5) 35 percent of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell, "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - June 29th: The lyrics, "rainy days and Mondays always get me down", won't apply to you today. Granted, today is Monday and the chance of rain is a proverbial crap shoot, but you'll escape from both in good shape. Chance of romance is twenty percent (it is Monday) but luck may come in another form. Don't get into an elevator with a midget.

Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, actor 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: You know when you go into a restaurant and it gets busy? They start a waiting list and they start calling out names, "Obama, party of two." They say again, "Obama, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name.

Yep, they just move on saying, "Biden, party of two." Yeah, but what happened to the Obamas? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "

Biden, search party of two!" You can eat once you find the Obama! Next!......Donner, party of eighty-seven....."

Murray Lipschitz passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Murray would be pleased." Her friend, Rachel, said, "I'm sure you're right."

Rachel lowered her voice, leaned in close and asked "How much did this really cost?" Rose said, "All of it....thirty thousand." Rachel exclaimed, "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Rose answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly and said, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" Rose said, "Two and a half carats."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest, most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy and said, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, saying. "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?"

There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking.

Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?" Minister Green said, "My lord!"

Then an idea struck Minister Green, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah." Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

That's it for today, my little titmice. Remember, the phone will not ring until you leave your recliner and walk to the bathroom.

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Friday, June 26, 2015

Order In The Supreme Court: Tossed Salad?

The Supreme Court has ruled that same-sex marriage is legal in all fifty states. Although pleased with the decision, Obama had hoped that the ruling would cover all 57 states. As a lesbian, I am pleased with the ruling as well.

Heterosexual couples have long suffered with this right and I find it only fair that same sex couples suffer equally. There was an equally compelling feeling of joy among divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.

Coming off a brilliant decision on Obamacare, in which they were able to determine what the writers of the Obamacare law meant to say instead of how the law was written, the Court has raised itself to a new level, previously obtained only by the Amazing Kreskin.

In light of their new abilities and powers, phrases like "no parking" can be interpreted in any way it pleases the court and the written word will be meaningless, opening a whole new can of worms.

After the court adjourns, Justice John Roberts will return to his part time job of kissing Obama's black ass, Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan will celebrate with their brethren and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg will be given a bottle of wine and returned to the nursing home. No word yet on Groucho, Harpo or Zippo.

The News As I See It: The Supreme Court ruled to preserve the Affordable Care Act, more commonly known as Obamacare, so we now can do anything we want. We could drink, smoke, jump mini-bikes off bridges, or play chainsaw tag if we want to. If we get hurt, it's not our problem. It's America's problem, together.

Obama triumphantly declared that the Affordable Care Act is here to stay. Then he went into the Rose Garden and secretly smoked a cigarette.

Donald Trump, while leading reporters on a tour of one of his golf courses, said this week that "the Latinos love Trump and I love them." And what better place for a white guy to declare his love for Latinos, than on a golf course.

This Date In History: 1819; The bicycle was patented by W. K. Clarkson. 1843; Hong Kong was proclaimed a British crown colony. 1906; The first Grand Prix motor race was held in Le Mans, France. 1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway, connecting the Great Lakes and the Atlantic, was opened.

1963; President John Kennedy gave his, "Ich bin ein Berliner" (I am a Berliner) speech in West Berlin.1976; The CN tower in Toronto opened, then the world's tallest free-standing structure.

2000; The first map of the human genome, which required decoding more than 3 billion biochemical "letters" of human DNA, is completed. 2003; Former South Carolina senator Strom Thurmond died at age 100.

Picture Of The Day: Justice Elena Kagen continues her good work.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why am I always behind morons at McDonald's who act like they've never seen the menu in their life? 2) I had amnesia once - maybe twice. 3) A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense. Back in the day, we called our band "A Cappella". We came up with that name as we were walking out of the pawn shop. 4) My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend.....yet. 5) Alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. So for 14 long years, not a single person sang karaoke.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - June 26th: Today is tailor made for you. Go to a nice restaurant for lunch and buy a few lottery tickets. Oh, and buy gas... The prices will continue to rise. Chances for romance are 67.62 percent and even higher if you've got gas...., from the gas station...., Ah hell, you know what I mean!

Birthdays: Bernard Berenson, art critic 1865, Pearl S. Buck, American author 1893, William Lear, inventor 1902, Babe Didrickson Zaharias, athlete 1911, Claudio Abbado, conductor 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There were twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to take the pictures of them. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He said we have to sit on the sofa." The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." Again, the hard of hearing twin asked, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "We have to sit closer together." They wiggled up close to each other.

The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." Yet again, the hard of hearing twin said, "What did he say?" Her sister replied, "He says he's going to focus." The hard of hearing twin exclaimed, "Oh my God, both of us?"

Four guys have been going on the same hunting trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Chris' wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Chris' buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Chris sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. One of them asks, "Damn Chris, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" Chris says, "Well, I've been here since yesterday." The guys asks, "How did you convince her?"

Chris says, "Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom."

Chris went on, "The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and handcuff her to the bed, and I did. Then she said, 'Do whatever you want'. So, here I am."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve. They had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell said, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!" Miss Annabell said, "They call them homosexuals." The young girls fan themselves and say "Oh my! Oh my!"

Miss Annabell continued, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls asked, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell said, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell said, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The young girls squealed, "Oh My! Oh My!," as they sat on the edge of their chairs and fanned themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they asked in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and said in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'."

That's it for today, my little Junebugs. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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