Friday, October 17, 2014

The Heartbreak Of Sports

The 2-3 Miami Dolphins play Chicago this weekend and the team has been cautioned about the dangers of Ebola. If last week's loss with seconds left to go against Green Bay is any indication, chances are they won't catch anything.

Of course, there's the high crime rate that is becoming synonymous with Chicago, but the people of Chicago already have an NFL team, so they're accustomed to it. All NFL teams have received a newsletter informing them about the dangers of Ebola. Meanwhile, Ebola has received a letter about the dangers of the NFL.

More Football: Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for stealing cologne and a two-pack of underwear from a store in Texas. That's disappointing for two reasons. First, he was stealing. Second, he couldn't outrun a mall security guard. He’s an NFL running back. Break a tackle!

The Nascar Sprint Cup Chase Championship goes to race at Talladega, Alabama this weekend and after the numerous on and off track incidents in Charlotte last weekend, racing three and four abreast at over 200 mile per hour should make for an interesting race.

The Camping World Truck series races on the high banks on Saturday afternoon with the Sprint Cup drivers duking it out on Sunday.

The News As I See It: Obama is trying very hard to put people at ease about Ebola. Obama said he hugged and kissed some of the nurses in Atlanta who had treated the patients with Ebola. After kissing Obama, all nurses involved were rechecked for Ebola.

Speaking of monkeys, The government of Gibraltar gathered about 30 monkeys that they call "problem monkeys" because of their destructive behavior and shipped them off to live in Scotland. I don't know about mixing monkeys with Scottish people. They can be violent, nasty and unpredictable. So be careful, monkeys.

A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. I think that's a bit critical. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style.

There's a drought in Los Angeles and the mayor said residents should cut water use by 20 percent. Unfortunately, he said it in English, so nobody understood him.

The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called "Operation Inherent Resolve." They came up with that name using "Operation Random Thesaurus."

New York City is still overrun with rats. There are so many rats that Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat spayed or neutered.

Forbes has released their list of top-earning deceased celebrities. The richest famous dead person this year is Michael Jackson. He earned $140 million this year. You have to admire Michael's work ethic. A lot of big stars stop working when they die.

This Date In History: 1777; British Gen. Burgoyne surrendered in Saratoga, N.Y. during the American Revolution. 1931; Mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion for which he was sentenced to 11 years in prison.

1933; Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany. 1979; Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor in Calcutta, India. 1989; An earthquake measuring 7.1 in magnitude killed 67 and injured over 3,000 in San Francisco.

Picture Of The Day: The Miami Dolphins lose to the Green Bay Packers as the Pack scores with four seconds remaining in the game.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower. 2) I need a vacation. It took me 15 minutes of my girlfriend talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car. 3) Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein.

4) I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom and I went in, only to find my girlfriend in bed with 10 ducks. I'm heartbroken. 5) The city of Chicago got started when a bunch of people in New York said, "You know, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 15th: You may not be pleased with today's experiences, but tomorrow will be great. Keep in mind that half the people in the world are below average. So hang loose pilgrim, tomorrow will be a better day. Chance of romance is 66.47 percent today increasing to 89.04 percent tomorrow.

Birthdays: My friend, Elaine - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX,   Nathanael West, novelist 1903, Irene Ryan, actress 1903, Arthur Miller, playwright 1915, Rita Hayworth, actress 1918, Montgomery Clift, actor 1920, Evel Knievel, daredevil 1938, Margot Kidder, actress 1948, Mae C. Jemison, physician, astronaut 1956, Ernie Els, golfer 1969.

Another beautiful photograph by Oscar Lopez

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?"

The new farmer replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far enough apart."

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."

The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A rich Texas oilman and his wife were having dinner when a stunning woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "She's my mistress." His wife says, "That's the last straw. I want a divorce and I'm going to hire the meanest, most aggressive lawyer I know and make your life miserable.

The husband says, "I understand, but remember, if we get a divorce, we'll have to divide everything. I'll have to sell our estate, so that we can buy two two smaller homes. I'll have to sell the Rolls-Royce, so that we can buy economical cars. It will mean no more vacations in the Caribbean, no more country club privileges and you'll have to give up all your charge accounts."

Just then, a mutual friend came in with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The wife asks, "Who's that with Jim?" The husband says, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier!"

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison."

The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

An old drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I just love ballerinas." The woman stares at the drunk and replies angrily, "I'm not a ballerina!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. I'm joining my friends in AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Obama: Ebola Monitoring Must Be "More Aggressive"

Obama vowed today that his administration would provide "much more aggressive" monitoring of Ebola cases in the United States and warned that in an age of frequent travel the disease could spread globally if the world doesn't respond to the "raging epidemic in West Africa."

Ya think? Jimmy's Journal wrote the same thing on October 6th, to wit: "My concern with Ebola grows and I think it would be prudent to stop incoming flights from some countries. Some believe that this is unfair. I don't particularly give a rat's ass if it's fair or not. My concern is America and specifically, my family and friends."

Yet Thomas Duncan died On October 6th in a Texas hospital, as flights continued from Africa and two nurses who treated Duncan are now infected, as well. Does the Obama administration plan to stop Ebola the same way they've stopped ISIS? My patience is wearing thin!

The News As I See It: The most rat-infested city in the United States is Chicago. New York is fourth. I think that report is a bit misleading. The reason that New York is only fourth in rat population is that most of the rats grow old and retire to Florida.

It's hard to believe but they say that there are even more rats in L.A. than in Chicago, yet they are not ranked. I guess they're so focused on taking care of the Kardashian infestation that they forgot about the rats.

A new study has revealed that the reading level of presidential speeches has dropped significantly over the last 200 years. Or as Americans put it, "Why dat be?"

Obama played his 200th round of golf last week. Democrats said, “You know what? He can do whatever he wants as long as he's not trying to campaign for us.”

The fundraiser at Gwyneth Paltrow's house was a good idea for Obama. He found the one person in America with lower approval ratings than his.

Brad Pitt said this week that he doesn't feel safe in his own home without a gun. Pitt said, "I don't even know half these kids."

;This Date In History: 1066; The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. 1933; Nazi Germany withdrew from the Geneva disarmament conference and the League of Nations.

1947; U.S. Air Force Captain Charles "Chuck" Yeager became the first person to travel faster than the speed of sound. 1964; Martin Luther King, Jr., was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in civil rights.

1968; The first live telecast from a staffed U.S. spacecraft was transmitted from Apollo 7th. 1990; Composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.

Picture Of The Day: A second nurse infected with Ebola at a Texas hospital was flown by private jet Wednesday to Emory University Hospital in Atlanta for further specialized treatment.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 2) My ex-wife and I didn't think alike. She donated money to the homeless and I donated money to the topless! 3) Sometimes, when I am reading a good book, I stop to call and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. 4) If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be murder, suicide or merely making an obscene clone fall? 5) I got spam today stating that I had been selected for a complimentary psychic reading. Uh...didn't you know my answer before you sent it?.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 14th: The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with that special someone. The light is a little bit blinding though. I'm pretty sure it's a light.  I've discussed it with a few other astrologers and it's either a light or a train. On second thought, you'd better listen for whistles, as well.

Birthdays: My friend Tim - Happy Birthday 19XX, James II, king of England, Scotland and Ireland 1633, William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 1644, Elwood Haynes, inventor 1857, Dwight D. Eisenhower, American general and 34th President of the United States 1890, Lillian Gish, actress 1893, e.e. cummings, poet 1894, William Edwards Deming, management consultant 1900, Hannah Arendt, political theorist 1906, Roger Moore, actor 1927, Ralph Lauren, fashion designer 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.

The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me."

The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."

Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement. The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."

Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.

He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed an old guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.

The old guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The old guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

 A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.

She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, a friend is someone who will help you move. A good friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. It's Wednesday and I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 13, 2014

Life Back In The Day

The 50's was a magical era and life seemed very simple. Ike was president and America was prosperous. The New York Yankees and the Brooklyn Dodgers were my two favorite baseball teams and my hero, Rocky Marciano, was the heavyweight boxing champion of the world.

These were my formative years and I keep the memories in that special little place in my heart, knowing that it only happens once.

I went through elementary and junior high schooling during the 50's and the lessons learned in and out of the classroom were instrumental in the formation of my character.

School was a fun but stern place and the teachers took no prisoners. If you got into trouble, the teacher paddled you. You took your punishment and held your tongue lest the teacher give you a note to take to your parents.

If you did get a note, it meant a worse fate was in store when you presented the note to your parents. I always gave my note to my mother with the hope that she would deal with it and not pass it on to my father.

School was also a social place and I enjoyed that part immensely. Music was at the top of everyone's conversation and the birth of rock and roll made it even more fun.

There were only a few radio stations and they were AM at that. The radio stations played all the songs. There were no specialty rock and roll station, no country music station, no big band station. There were the stations and they played everything.

Radio was big in those days as very few people had television sets and only a few people had telephones. At night, the family would actually "watch the radio" as shows like Gangbusters, Amos and Andy, The Green Hornet, The Lone Ranger (my favorite), Inner Sanctum, Dragnet and many others played. You watched the radio and what you saw was limitless, as your imagination provided the mental video.

Our radio was an RCA Victor and it was about a foot wide and a foot tall. It had two knobs, the tuner and the volume. The top of the radio would open up exposing a turn table with a single metal rod. The record speeds were 33 and 1/3 or 78 and the records were all the size of a modern day LP album. The only difference was that the record had one song on each side. You had to be very careful because it you dropped the record, it would shatter and break.

Brother Kirt and I started singing together and in the sixth grade, my teacher, Mr. Hall, taught me to play the guitar. I, in turn taught my brother to play, as well, and the Sullivan Brothers began performing for anyone who would listen. We sang all of the Everly Brothers songs as well as all the rock and roll songs of the day.

My Brother and I actually started singing country music and we were invited to perform on a local television station which presented "The Dixie Lily Show". We decided that we didn't want that and my parents let us make our own decisons. It may have or have not been a good decision, but I lean more toward the innocence of youth.

I can remember distinctly when the sad news came over the radio, reporting that Hank Williams had passed away in the back seat of his car. Williams was one of my favorite singers and his untimely death really upset my brother and I.

The 50's was a wonderful time for me and I thought I'd share those times with you......

The News As I See It: Obama criticized the GOP for being the party of billionaires last week....while he was speaking at a fundraiser at a billionaire's house! I didn't see how that story could have gotten get any worse until I learned the billionaire's name was Rich Richman. Really? Obama would have stayed longer, but he was late for his lunch with Dollars McMoneybags.

The administration now has a name for the war against ISIS. Every military operation has to have a name so people can get behind it and they now have a name for the war against ISIS — Operation Hillary's Problem.

Kim Jung Un, dictator of North Korea, hasn't been seen in six weeks. He's probably spending more time executing his family.

Obama may take executive action to shut down the prison in Guantanamo Bay. When asked how he plans on letting the prisoners out, Obama said, "I'll replace all the guards with Secret Service agents. They'll just wander out."

Bo, the White House dog, celebrated his third birthday last week. He had a wonderful party at the White House — only three intruders. I believe Bo is actually now distancing himself from the president. It was a bittersweet day for Bo because he was recently trashed in Leon Panetta's book.

This Date In History: 1775; The Continental Congress authorized the construction of a naval fleet. 1792; The cornerstone of the White House was laid. 1843; The Jewish organization B'nai B'rith was founded. 1903; Boston defeated Pittsburgh in the first World Series.

1943; Italy declared war on Germany, its former Axis partner, during World War II. 1974; Ed Sullivan died in New York City at age 72. 1981; Egypt's vice president Hosni Mubarak was elected president, one week after Anwar Sadat's assassination.

Picture Of The Day: The Florida Everglades. often referred to as the "River of Grass." I've spent days fishing the vast expanse and many a night camping under the stars. It is serenity personified.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. 2) There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. 3) There aren't enough love songs to describe the moment you see your luggage come out of that little tunnel at baggage claim. 4) I got lost once when I was a kid. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."  5) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several members of the family died of measles.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 13th: The road to success will be free of traffic today, assuming you remembered your drivers license and proof of insurance. Don't stray into unfamiliar waters unless you are wearing a life vest. Chances of romance are 41.98 percent, but you may get lucky anyway. Did you know that 42 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

Birthdays: Rudolf Virchow, pathologist 1821, Mary Kingsley, explorer 1862, Art Tatum, jazz pianist 1910, Yves Montand, actor, singer 1921, Margaret Thatcher, British prime minister 1925, Paul Simon, singer, musician 1941, Kelly Preston, actress 1962, Jerry Rice, football player 1962, Nancy Kerrigan, Olympic figure skater 1969, Ashanti, singer, actress 1980, Ian Thorpe, swimmer 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A beautiful woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive older man standing alone. She approached him and said, " Hi, my name's Carmen."

The man said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?" The woman said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" The man replied, "B. J. Titsengolf."

An old lawyer, laying on his deathbed, called to his wife and asked her to bring the Bible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea and brought the Bible to her husband. The lawyer took the Bible from her and began scanning the pages.

Curious, knowing her husband wasn't a religious person, she asked, "What are you searching for, dear?" The lawyer replied, "Loopholes."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

The bartender says, "Where on earth did you get that?" The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, rub it."

The bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him ans says, "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ~ each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets really excited and without hesitation says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks, and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.' The man says, "Yeah, I know. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Joe Bob, Jim Bob and Billy Bob are greeted in heaven by St. Peter. "We have only one rule," he says. "Never step on a duck" But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks, and Joe Bob steps on one. The duck quacks and soon, all the ducks are quacking.

St. Peter admonishes, "I warned you not to step on a duck." He shackles Joe Bob to a ferocious looking 260 lbs Amazon woman for all eternity. Jim Bob steps on a duck and gets tethered forever to a Brute 6 foot 6 redheaded Viking woman.

Billy Bob thinks, "Poor ole Joe Bob and Jim Bob" and learns to watch his step. So St. Peter chains him to an absolutely gorgeous girl. Billy Bob exclaims, "Wow! What did I do to deserve this?" The buxom beauty says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, an ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated, which is kinda funny 'cause so does my Uncle.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 10, 2014

The Difference Between Men And Women

The main reason men and women stay together is sex. The reasoning, however, varies according to who you ask. Men have a goal and once attained, become useless. Women, on the other hand, are more romantically inclined and tend to overlook the faults of men.

Other than sex and the eventual propagation of the species, men and women are like oil and vinegar. If you shake them real well, they serve a purpose as does the aforementioned oil and vinegar when put on salad. But sooner or later, they separate and tend to hang out among their own.

Lets take a gander at the following situations, shall we?

Nicknames: If Ileana, Linda, Luly, Joann, Julie, Paula, Sandra and Yolanda go out for brunch, they will call each other Ileana, Linda, Luly, Joann, Julie, Paula, Sandra and Yolanda. But if Mike, Jack, John and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Beer Breath, Dipshit, Skinny and Tubby.

Eating Out: and when the check comes, Mike, Jack, John and Rob will each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total bill is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 37. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good.

By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than Jed Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.

When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about twenty years ago, before he will do his laundry.

When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Seinfeld."

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Further Observations:

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.

Women always worry about things that men forget.
Men always worry about things that women remember.....

The News As I See It: A guy purchased Willie Nelson's hair for $37,000. Willy cut his braids and the guy bought them for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000. This is the kind of decision you make after spending the day on Willie's tour bus.

Obama went to Gwyneth Paltrow's home for a democratic fund raiser and the newly single Paltrow gushed and almost wet herself in his presence. Paltrow, an obvious Hollywood libtard should have brought up the war with ISIS and the current Ebola outbreak. Obie and Gwyneth, what a pair.....

This week, they had one of those special lunar eclipses called a blood moon. The moon was glowing red, which means that the Republicans have gained another seat in the Senate.

Kim Jong Un is missing. Nobody's seen the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for about a month now. His daughter, Kim Kardashi Un, is worried. She really became concerned when he didn't show up at George Clooney's wedding.

Today is the 10th anniversary of when Martha Stewart had to go to the penitentiary. Martha was in a minimum security facility, sort of like the White House.

A survey found that more than half of Americans see Obama's time in office as a failure, while the rest said, "You saw him in his office? When?"

This Date In History: 1845; The U.S. Naval Academy opened in Annapolis, Maryland. 1886; The tuxedo dinner jacket made its debut at a ball in Tuxedo Park, New York. 1911; Sun Yat-sen's revolutionaries overthrew the Manchu dynasty in China.

1935; George Gershwin's opera Porgy and Bess debuted on Broadway. 1943; Chiang Kai-shek took the oath of office as president of China. 1970; Fiji gained its independence from Great Britain.

1973; Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned after being charged with tax evasion. 1985; Actor and director Orson Welles died in Hollywood at age 70. 2001; California representative Nancy Pelosi became minority whip. 2002; The US Congress gave President Bush authorization to use military force against Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Secret Service director Julia Pierson resigns. Well, not exactly. They told her to clear her desk and get out or resign.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think the president and members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms just like NASCAR race drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. 2) There's nothing better than a good friend except a good friend with chocolate 3) They say that it's healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out Square Dancing across America. 4) My friend told me he thinks that everyone hates him. I said he was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met him yet. 5) Every time I walk into AREA 51 for happy hour, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 10th: This day is tailor made for you. Go to a nice restaurant for lunch and buy a few lottery tickets. Oh, and buy gas... Don't buy more than a half of tankful as the prices will continue to fall. Chances for romance are 67.62 percent and even higher if you've got gas.... from the gas station.... You know what I mean!

Birthdays: Jean-Antoine Watteau painter 1684, Henry Cavendish physicist and chemist 1731, Benjamin West painter 1738, Giuseppe Verdi composer of opera 1813, Robert Gould Shaw soldier, Civil War figure 1837, Helen Hayes actress 1900, Alberto Giacometti sculptor 1901, R. K. Narayan novelist 1906, Thelonious Monk jazz pianist 1917, James Clavell, (Charles Edmund DuMaresq de Clavelle), screenwriter, director, producer, novelist  1924, Harold Pinter dramatist 1930, Ben Vereen actor, dancer 1946, Amanda Burton actor 1956, Tanya Tucker country singer 1958, Brett Favre football player 1969, Dale Earnhardt Jr. auto racer 1974, Mya singer, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Dave walks over and asks Norm what's wrong. Norm replies, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" Dave replies with a smile, "Yes."

Norm, straightening up says, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." Dave says, "Great, When are you going out?" Norm says, "I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my truck and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show." Dave says. "That's a good idea."

Norm continues, "So I get to her door and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." Norm says, "And what happened then?" Norm slumps back over the bar again and says, "I kicked her in the face."

A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Ebola In Texas

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

The attorney began complaining and insulting the nurse, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out! He continues cursing at the nurse as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room and says "What's going on here?"

The attorney snottily answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

That's it for today, my little aardvarks. Remember, If you get a Department of Homeland Security email titled, "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour. It's been a while since I've moseyed.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !