Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Trump, Hillary, Bernie And His VP Pick: The FBI

The race has narrowed to Republican Donald Trump, Democrat Hillary Clinton and then there's Bernie, who continues to hang on, hoping Hillary will be indicted. Bernie was last seen wandering in the barnyard talking to chickens.

Ted Cruz quit after being soundly thumped by Trump in Indiana and Bernie Kaisich quit when his aides explained to him that he was running fourth in a three candidate race.

Personally, aside from hoping Hillary goes to prison, I think Bernie is hanging on because when they go to the California primary, his wife told him she would take him to Disneyland.

When things finally shake out, it will be Trump against Hillary, both of whom, have high negative ratings. No matter who wins, the one good thing about 2017 is that America will be rid of Obama.

The News As I See It: May is finally here! Yep, it’s that special time of the year when the Earth puts the weather on "Random Shuffle."

A report came out last week that members of ISIS are trying to fake doctor's notes to get themselves out of front line duty. Imagine a member of ISIS calling in like, "Hey guys, I have actually got a bit of a cough and don't think I can go to the suicide bombing today."

The CEO of Priceline just resigned after it was revealed that he had an affair with an employee. As you can imagine, his wife is pretty mad, but on the bright side, at least he knows where to find a good deal on hotels.

A 100-year-old-woman from New York City just broke the world record for her age group in the 100-meter dash. It’s pretty amazing — in fact, they say she’s the oldest person to enter a race since Bernie Sanders.

This Date In History: 1626; Peter Minuit landed in Manhattan, which he later bought for $24 worth of cloth and brass buttons. 1886; The Haymarket Square riot broke out as a result of a labor demonstration. 1932; Public Enemy Number One, Al Capone, was jailed for tax evasion.

1959; The first Grammy Awards were held. 1961 Civil rights activists, called "freedom riders," left Washington, DC for New Orleans. 1970; Four Kent State University students were shot down by National Guard members during an anti-Vietnam War demonstration.

1998; The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, was sentenced to four life terms plus 30 years for his series of bombings that killed three and injured 23.

Picture Of The Day: The weekends at Bernie's have been fun.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down. 2) I told my girlfriend that she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses. 3) My brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera. When he takes a picture, the camera goes "Crick". 4) Miami Police have found a head, hands and a foot in the river. There are no theories yet, but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out. 5) My ex-mother-in-law wears a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on her.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 4th: A guiding light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds for you. The light is a little bright though, so you might want to shield your eyes from the glare. I'm pretty sure it's a guiding light. I've discussed it with a few other astrologers and it's either a guiding light or a train.

Birthdays: Horace Mann, educator 1796, Thomas Henry Huxley, biologist 1825, Frederick Church, artist 1826, Hosni Mubarak, president of Egypt 1928, Audrey Hepburn, actress 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus, the driver says, "Wow! That is one ugly baby." The woman, deeply hurt, just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks, "What's wrong? You look angry?" She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." The man said, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

The woman replied, "You're right sir. I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. and I'll hold your monkey for you.

A man picked up his lovely date at her parent's home. He had saved enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster and Dom Perignon champagne, the most expensive items on the menu.

He asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" She replied, "No, but my mother's not expecting sex tonight." He asked, "What would you like for dessert?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

The farmer said, "What a coincidence, it is a special day for me. I'm celebrating." The woman said, "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!"

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" The woman replied, "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

The farmer said, "What a coincidence. I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

The woman said, "This is awesome! What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" The farmer said, "I used a different rooster." The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

That's it for today, my cute little ferrets. Remember, Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, May 2, 2016

It's Time To Take Back The Streets

Hey Seattle! When protests turn violent, start with police on horseback and barricades. If it continues, sound a 30 minute warning siren allowing protesters to leave. Times up?! Snipers selectively wing a few armed or masked protesters. Problem solved!

Too harsh? Tell that to the police officers who were injured by flying rocks and Molotov cocktails. Tell that to the number of people who have been attacked by thugs. Tell that to the people who were blocked by protesters on the freeway possibly slowing an ambulance who may have been on it's way to help someone.

These people are terrorists. You can't reason with assholes or animals. The only thing they understand is what suits their purpose and to hell with anyone in their way. Many of the protesters came armed, wearing protection, gas masks and other types of masks to hide their identity.

The first rule of allowing any "peaceful" protest should come with the stipulation that no masks of any kind will be tolerated, Secondly, anyone wearing armor or protection would also not be allowed to protest. If you are going to protest peacefully, none of the aforementioned paraphernalia is necessary.

The safety of the general public outweighs any acceptance of violence by terrorists, thugs and troublemakers.

The News As I See It: Vice-president Joe Biden made a surprise trip to Iraq last week and no one was more surprised than him....."Last time I use Expedia!"

In the NFL Draft, the Los Angeles Rams used the first pick to select quarterback Jared Goff. He's a college student who just got a job worth over $20 million, or as he put it, "I no longer support Bernie Sanders!"

This Date In History: 1885; Good Housekeeping magazine went on sale for the first time. 1939; Lou Gehrig established a new major-league baseball record when he played his 2,130th consecutive game. It would take another 57 years before Cal Ripken, Jr., broke it. 1945; The Soviet Union announced the fall of Berlin.

1955; Tennessee Williams won the Pulitzer Prize in Drama for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. 1969; The British ocean liner Queen Elizabeth II departed on her maiden voyage to New York. 1994 Nelson Mandela was victorious in South Africa’s first multiracial election.

1997; The Labour Party’s Tony Blair became Prime Minister of Britain, ending 18 years of conservative rule. At 44, he was the youngest prime minister in 185 years. 2011; U.S. troops and CIA operatives shot and killed Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad, Pakistan.

2012; A pastel version of The Scream, by painter Edvard Munch, sold for $120 million in a New York City auction. The transaction set a new world record for an auctioned piece of art.

Picture Of The Day: Now, you tell me. Does this asshole look like he's dressed for a non-violent protest? He would be my first shot.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) At the airport yesterday, a TSA worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone handled your bag?" The passenger said, "No, but she's right behind me." 2) It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, "trophy wife" has become rather ambiguous. 3) My friend had to sign a form stating she understands her mother's cremation is non-reversible. I weep for our species. 4) I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked. 5) I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 2nd: Your message today is "cryptic", which basically means that I made it up. You will get an important phone call today, but you won't be able to find a pen to write down the message. In the interim, you work on solving the cryptic message and I'll look for a pen.....

Birthdays: Alessandro Scarlatti, composer 1660, Catherine the Great, czarina of Russia (1762–96) 1729, Elijah J. McCoy, inventor 1843, Theodor Herzl, Zionist 1860, Manfred von Richthofen, aviator 1892, Benjamin Spock, pediatrician 1903.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood, knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." The man said, "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

The man said, "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." The priest asked, "And what is that, my son?" The man said, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The patient asked, "What about the third rose?" The nurse replies, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for the new ears."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Maude and Thelma, two old spinsters, are sitting on the front porch swing, watching two women across the street.

Maude leans over and says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

That's it for today, my little Cracker Jacks and Crackers Jills (and Cracker Sherrys). Remember, ain't no sunshine when she's gone.....or sandwiches. Ain't no sandwiches either.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 29, 2016

Don't Miss Sunday's Talladega 500

For those who have never watched a NASCAR race, this Sunday's 500 mile race at Talledega Superspeedway should be a doozy. 40 cars on a 2.66 banked track reach speeds of 200 mph, sometimes three abreast. Oh, and there's an occasional wreck.

When I say "wreck", it's an understatement. At speeds surpassing 200 mph, reaction time to minor bump can turn the track into a junkyard in a matter of seconds.

Most racers and fans refer to this moment as "the big one" because it is almost impossible to race at these speeds, so close together, without someone making a mistake.

Cars need to pit occasionally for tires and/or gas and the speculation begins as to which strategy to use to insure a victory.

Probably the best part of the race is the last twenty laps where a "take no prisoners" attitude is adopted, further increasing the chance of a last lap crash or a photo-finish ending.

All things said, the Geico Talladega 500 will be televised on Fox beginning at 2:30 pm. It should be a great race.

The News As I See It: Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz's running mate. Fiorina said it's always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election.

ISIS has reportedly started rolling out "reductions in benefits" to try to cut down costs. On a similar note, al-Qaeda is trying to compete with them by launching "Osamacare."

After being blind-sided by Michael Strahan’s upcoming departure, Kelly Ripa returned to "Live with Kelly and Michael" today, where the co-anchors were reunited. The reunion was going great, until Beyoncé showed up and handed Ripa a baseball bat.

Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his "country club" lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump swept Tuesday's primaries in the states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island. John Kasich is projected to win in the state of denial.

Melania Trump just turned 46. She spent her birthday like she always does -- telling Donald that she's 23.

This Date In History: 1429; Joan of Arc entered the city of Orléans. She would end its months-long siege and would become known as the "Maid of Orléans." 1916; The Easter rebellion in Ireland ended with the surrender of Irish nationalists.

1945; American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp. 1978; Japan's Naomi Uemura, traveling by sled dog, became the first person to reach the North Pole alone. 1980; Film director Alfred Hitchcock died at age of 80.

1986; Pitcher Roger Clemens set a major league baseball record by striking out 20 batters in a regular nine-inning game. He repeated his feat in 1996. 1992; A Los Angeles jury acquitted four police officers accused of beating Rodney King. Massive rioting and looting ensued.

1997; The first joint U.S.-Russian space walk was made by Jerry Linenger and Vasily Tsibliyev from space station Mir. 2011; Kate Middleton marries Prince William in a lavish royal wedding at Westminster Abbey in London.

Picture Of The Day: Talladega Superspeedway is a big track with plenty of room for moves.....unless you make the wrong decision.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." 2) It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken. 3) Then I said "No officer, I’m not slurring my speech. I’m speaking in cursive." 4) I'm at my most brilliant when the door says "pull" and I don't believe it. 5) My answering machine recording: Hello telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 15 minute flute solo.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - Taurus 28th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: William Randolph Hearst, American journalist and publisher 1863, Sir Thomas Beecham, conductor 1879, Duke Ellington, musician 1899, Hirohito, Japanese emperor 1901, Zubin Mehta, conductor 1936, Dale Earnhardt, champion auto racer 1951, Jerry Seinfeld, comedian 1955, Daniel Day-Lewis, actor 1958, Michelle Pfeiffer, actor 1958, Uma Thurman, actress 1970, Andre Agassi, tennis player 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man's wife asked him to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the store, looked around and couldn't find any.

So he grabbed an old produce employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The old produce guy looked at him and said, "No sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Michael for his contribution to today's stories.

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

An Aussie's wife went missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reported the event, searched fruitlessly and spent a long terrible night wondering what may have happened to her.

The next morning, there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge said, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

The husband replied, Well, I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The husband was naturally distressed and had a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes pulled himself together to ask about the good news. The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. The husband said, "Thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that. So, what's the other possible good news?"

The Sarge says, "Well, If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill here and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, everybody values honesty until they have an ugly baby. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. 

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

My Webcam

I never use my webcam. It was a gift for some work I did. Most days, if I don't have anything scheduled that requires me to leave home, I just work in my pajamas. I turned my webcam on today and was surprised to see what appeared to be a homeless man on my monitor.

It's relatively easy to see why Albert Einstein looked so bad in his older pictures. You get to a certain age and think, "Ah, screw it." So, here's this silver haired homeless dude, in what appears to be an old, ostensibly white t-shirt, a three day stubbly grey beard and badly fitting CVS reading glasses looking at me on my monitor.

Although I'm aware I don't have much to work with, I assure that i clean up better than that homeless looking dude I saw on the monitor. Incidentally, the webcam was gifted to me to facilitate a video interview with NASCAR. Fortunately, that particular day, I had some things to do so I was properly dressed.

The News As I See It: Beyoncé released a surprise album this weekend. Of course, when you're over 40 and white, every Beyoncé album is a surprise album.

The new album, called “Lemonade” she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. In other words, it looks like Hillary has found her running mate!

Hillary said Pennsylvania is where she learned to shoot a gun. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said Pennsylvania is where he learned to load a musket.

A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up.

This Date In History: 1521; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed in a fight with natives of the Philippines. 1805; The U.S. Marines captured Derna, on the shores of Tripoli.

1865; The worst steamship disaster in the history of the United States occurred when there was an explosion aboard the Sultana; more than 1,400 people were killed.

1956; Rocky Marciano retired as undefeated world heavyweight boxing champion. 1961; Sierra Leone gained independence from Great Britain. 1983; Pitcher Nolan Ryan surpassed Walter Johnson’s strikeout record—one that had held since 1927.

1987; Austrian president Kurt Waldheim was barred from entering the United States. He was accused of aiding in the execution of thousands of Jews in World War II. 1993; Eritrea declared itself independent.

Picture Of The Day: Apple's newest loser.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend said, "Look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that?" I told her I'd love to but I don't know her well enough.  2) I've discovered that women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them. 3) I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck while I was at the bank, so I had to pretend I was break dancing. 4) Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur. 5) The hardest part of potty training my puppy is taking a dump outside with him so he can learn. The neighbors taking pictures doesn't help either.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 26th.: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically desire. However, it is unlikely that you will achieve it. I would estimate that at least half of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Don't be concerned, the same thing happens to me, too.

Birthdays: Mary Wollstonecraft, author and feminist 1759, Samuel F. B. Morse, inventor of Morse Code 1791, Ulysses S. Grant, 18th President of the United States 1822, C. Day Lewis, author 1904, Coretta Scott King, civil-rights leader 1927, August Wilson, playwright 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door.

Upon opening it she said "Hi, I am your birthday present." He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" She answered, "I am yours for super sex." the old gent replied, "Well I'm 90 years old, so I'll take the soup."

An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and takes a dump on the woman’s head. The old woman says, "Yech! Get some toilet paper."

The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, "Honey, come see what I created. It's an abstract panorama depicting the five-years of the Obama presidency!" She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."

A man visits his aging father in his new old folks home. His room seems awfully small and his bed is the narrowest he’s ever seen. Despite this, his father is delighted with his new home.

Later, the man meets the director of the home, He says, "Father is delighted to be here, what is your secret?" The director replies, "Well, each night we give him a sleeping tablet and a Viagra tablet."

The man asks, "What on earth is the Viagra tablet for? Surely he’s not up to any hanky panky at his age? The director answered, "Oh no, but it does stop him rolling out of bed at night."

That's it for today, my little piccolo players. Remember, the real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 25, 2016

Being A Woman Is No Piece of Cake

Women go above the call of duty to be attractive. My naivete waned when I was first exposed to their required maintenance. My first inkling was the evening I came home and walked into a bevy of blue haired, blue mustachioed ladies painting their nails and toes.

Three attractive women in house robes with no makeup, a dye or rinse in their hair and a bleaching concoction on their mustaches and forearms. I chose to act as natural as I could but the smiles and giggles gave away my total astonishment. Perhaps it was when I stared at the girl with the tinfoil in her hair.

Moreover, with their delicate plumbing and their monthly visitor, women have their hands full. It's loke maintaining a swimming pool. They have to maintain a proper ph balance and avoid yeast infectons.

On top of that, they shave every possible hair off their bodies, put all sorts of creams and ointments for softer skin. I will not delve in diet and maintenance programs

Oh yeah, and they also have to carry a baby for nine months, then give birth, which seems to be the equivalent of passing a watermelon through a relatively small orifice. Nope, I don't want any part of that. 

In the majority of all species, the male is usually the more handsome. This aids the male in courtship and allows the more drab female to blend in with her surroundings when raising their young.

Somewhere along the evolutionary trail, human males must have seen their reflection in a river and thought, "close enough." This becomes more evident today as I see many beautiful women, clad in great outfits and heels.

Inevitably, they are usually accompanied by a knuckle dragging, tattooed neanderthal, sporting baggy shorts, t-shirt, baseball cap and wearing flip flops. Interestingly, many women are satisfied and/or accept this.

It's relatively easy to see that women are by far the more hardy of the species. As for men, we are mostly content with what we were born with.....

The News As I See It: If you're not concerned about what is going to happen in the GOP presidential race, just consider Reince Priebus, RNC chairman, is a man whose name is an anagram for "crisp bee urine."

This Date In History: 1901; New York became the first state to require license plates on cars. 1915; British, Australian, and New Zealand forces landed at Gallipoli. 1928; The first seeing eye dog was presented to Morris S. Frank. 1945; Delegates met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.

1953; The Francis Crick and James Watson article describing the double helix of DNA is published in the magazine Nature. 1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping. 1990; Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua.

1992; Islamic forces took over most of Kabul, Afghanistan after the Soviet-controlled government collapsed. 2003; The Georgia legislature voted to scrap the "Confederate flag" design from its state flag.

Picture Of The Day: Too much work. I get tired just trying to clip my toenails.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog's invisible fence. 2) I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster. 3) I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking or drinking. 4) A woman saying "I'm not angry" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing." 5) Adulthood is about being able to eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the chocolate chip cookies.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 25th: Your vision will never fail as long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. Everything you read online today will turn out to be a complete scam, but I'm being redundant. Chance of romance is 63.27 percent depending on how you look at it.

Birthdays: Oliver Cromwell,  statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, American jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino, actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969, Jason Lee, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else was looking. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, an old cowboy tentatively raised his hand and, while keeping his head down, said, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you."

One night, after watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", a man and his wife went to bed. The man started getting very frisky, so he asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."

The smallest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest one said, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked, "What do you think that means?" The oldest boy replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

Mendel Rosenblatt was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. Mendel asked the doctor, "How can I get human milk?" The doctor said, "Well, Ethel Goldstein just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ethel's house for his daily feed. Ethel was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.

One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rosenblatt, do you like it?" Mendel sighed, "Mmmm, wonderful." Ethel, her lips parted and eyes aglow, said hesitantly, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

Mendel replied, "As a matter of fact there is," Ruby asked breathlessly, "What?" Mendel licked his lips and said, "Maybe a biscuit?"

That's it for today, my little pea pickers. Remember, offering a floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently frowned upon.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !