Friday, April 24, 2015

I'm Not Eating That !


Have you ever wondered who was the first person to say, "I'm hungry for something new. I think I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of that chicken's ass." Seriously, someone had to be the "Mikey" who would eat or try anything.

I mean, who discovered milk? Did someone just say to their friend, "I think I'm going to go pull on those dangily things on that animal and drink whatever comes out."?

People drink many animals' milk...the cow, the goat, even the yak. I've never heard of anyone drinking horse's milk, though. Evidently, choosing which animal's milk to drink was based on trial and error.


My mother told me I was raised on goat's milk because I wouldn't nurse and cow's milk didn't seem to suit my digestive system. I don't know if that's really true, but I do have a penchant for climbing rocks and butting heads.


I am convinced that certain foods, especially vegetables, are a punishment from God thanks to Adam and Eve's romp in the Garden of Eden. Surely, that is the only reason for the existence of asparagus, kale and other disgusting vegetables. Combine that with liver and my appetite goes right into the dumpster.



The News As I See It: Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new movie that focuses on a zombie apocalypse. It takes place in an empty wasteland with no living beings....just like the movie theater where it's playing.

Yesterday was "Take Your Sons or Daughters to Work Day....or  as Woody Allen calls it, "Take Your Wife To Work Day."

Wednesday was Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth. As humans, the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons. The first Earth Day took place in 1970. At the rate we are going, the last one should be soon.

New Yorkers, on average, create 15 pounds of garbage every week. Of course, that goes up if you're disposing of a body.

The city of San Francisco announced that on January 1st, tobacco of any kind will be illegal. So finally, the gay and lesbian community will be able to say to a police officer, "No, this is just weed."

This Date In History: 1800; Library of Congress was established. 1898; Spain declared war on the U.S.. 1915; Turks began deportation of Armenians that led to the massacre of between 600,000 and 1.5 million Armenians.

1916; The Easter Rebellion begins in Dublin, Ireland. Although unsuccessful, the uprising was an important symbolic event leading to the establishment of the Republic of Ireland.

1953; Winston Churchill was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. 1990; The shuttle Discovery blasted off with the Hubble Space Telescope.

Picture Of The Day: No rhyme, no reason, just cute!



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some woman was staring at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before. 2) A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

3) (Doctor): "Are you sexually active?" (Me): "Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanoes that haven't gone off in years." 4) I'm not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if it took one look at me naked and then leaped willingly to its death. 

5) I have said it before and I will say it again. If anyone is into wife swapping, I will take a dirt bike or a puppy.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - April 24th: Love hides in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the strangest places you've ever imagined. On the other hand, it could be hidden in a pantry, bound and gagged. There are some strange things that go on in pantries. I know, I've been there.

Birthdays: Anthony Trollope, novelist 1815, John R. Pope, architect 1874, Willem de Kooning, artist 1904, Robert Penn Warren, American novelist, poet, and critic 1905, Shirley MacLaine, actress 1934, Barbra Streisand, singer, actress 1942, Kelly Clarkson, singer 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Sha'squachia, a pregnant woman, was involved in a car accident and while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child and asked, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. You should also know that while you were in a coma, your brother D'Tyrone named the children for you."

Sha'squachia shrieked, "Lordy, not my brother! He's not really very bright." The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise." Sha'squachia smiled and said, "Oh, that's no so bad. What's the boy's name?" The doctor smiled and said, "Denephew."

Two NBA basketball players were in a bar talking and one says to the other, "You ever notice after you have sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?" The second guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The first one asked, "Why is that?" The second guy says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although, if she wanted to, she could take a tub bath in front of the fire.

The woman said, "Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts." The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the tub and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the girl didn’t have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait outside the window. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" The girl said, "No, I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" The woman said, "Oh, yes", and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" He answered, "Yes, but why the hell did you have to show her yours." His wife replied, "Why ever are you worried about that? You’ve seen it often enough before." Her husband answered, " I know, but the whole damn dart team hadn’t!"

Three little boys were upset because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said to the janitor, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest replied, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked,"What do you think that means?" The oldest one replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

That's it for today, my little chipmunks. Remember, the worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Rest In Peace Steve Byrnes


Steve Byrnes, the longtime FOX Sports NASCAR broadcaster whose courageous battle against cancer drew support from every corner of stock car racing, died Tuesday at age 56. Byrnes passed away just two days after the race at Bristol Motor Speedway, which was named the "Food City 500 in Support of Steve Byrnes."

Though he was unable to attend the race, Byrnes watched it on TV and tweeted a response to a fan who asked if he made it through the entire rain-delayed event. Byrnes tweeted, "I went the distance."

Steve was almost always seen with a smile on his face, and kept up a relentlessly positive attitude throughout his cancer fight. He often shared insights into his battle via social media and a legion of #ByrnesStrong supporters tweeted their encouragement to him. He usually responded, always grateful and appreciative of the well wishes.

Even when he learned his cancer had spread after a second full round of treatment, Byrnes showed no signs of giving up. During Sunday's race, crewmen from every team stood on the pit wall with signs from the Stand Up To Cancer organization that read "I stand up for Steve."

Byrnes tweeted Sunday, "Thanks to all for a remarkable day, my teammates at NASCAR ON FOX. Miss you all. Thanks for your love." The heartbreaking news came just two days later. Rest in peace, Steve......



The News As I See It: Tim Tebow will officially sign a contract with the Eagles. It is pretty shocking, mainly because I didn't even know he played an instrument.

In North Korea, Kim Jong Un is said to have achieved something that is literally incredible. According to their state-run media, over the weekend Kim Jong Un climbed the highest mountain in the country, which is 9,000 feet high and takes days to climb. This was reportedly no problem for a man built like Roseanne Barr.

Obama hosted NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both spent an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.

An intruder was arrested at the White House last night after trying to jump the fence. Authorities aren’t releasing the fence jumper’s identity, but they did say that she tore her pantsuit.

The way I see it, ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his dorky flat brimmed baseball hat that he's wearing backwards and his arms are marked with what seems to be graffiti, that's his way of telling you he won't pay child support.

This Date In History: 1500; Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil and claimed it for Portugal. 1509; Henry VIII became king of England. 1616; The Spanish poet Cervantes died in Madrid. (Some sources say April 23.)

1864; Congress authorized the inscription "In God We Trust" on coins minted as U.S. currency. 1889; The land rush in Oklahoma began when it was opened to settlers. 1970; The first Earth Day was observed.

1994; Richard M. Nixon died of a stroke at the age of 81. 2000; Armed immigration agents took Elian Gonzalez from the Miami home of his relatives to reunite him with his father.

Picture Of The Day: If there's any consolation about Steve's passing, it's the fact that he was able to see Sunday's celebration of his life at Bristol Motor Speedway and the many NASCAR fans, drivers, owners and others who showed him their love and appreciation.



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Damn! I didn't make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row. 2) I see dead people. Technically they're stupid people, but give it time. 3) A good indication of the intelligence of celebrities can be measured by the names they give their children. In an interview, one particular pair mentioned their children, "Shoe and Turbo Pickle." 4) It was an awkward moment when she said, "And yet your feet are so big." 5) The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - April 22nd: Dank, inhospitable service station toilets may turn out to be your best friend today. After all, like life, it's just one big crap chute, anyway.

Birthdays: Isabella I, Spanish queen of Castile and León (1474–1504), daughter of John II of Castile 1451, Henry Fielding, author 1707, Immanuel Kant, philosopher 1724, Vladimir Lenin, Russian revolutionary 1870, Vladimir Nabokov, author 1899, J. Robert Oppenheimer, nuclear physicist 1904, Charles Mingus, jazz musician 1922, Bettie Page, model, pinup 1923, Jack Nicholson, actor 1937.



The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents.

She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator.

She said, "And finally, I want to thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. She explained, "These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours....."



The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney World." Obama said, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes." Barrack said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them."

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset." Obama was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. They said, "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." Wilkens exclaimed, "Tell me! Did you find her?"

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." Wilkens said, "Oh my God!"

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

That's it for today, my little whipporwills. Remember, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, 9 out of 10 times the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 20, 2015

New Book, "Clinton Cash" Questions Foreign Donations To Clinton Foundation


According to the New York Tines, a new book about Hillary Clinton's term as Secretary of State and foreign donations to the Clinton Foundation. The book does not hit shelves until May 5th, but already the Republican Rand Paul has called its findings "big news" that will "shock people" and make voters question the candidacy of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Clinton Cash: The Untold Story of How and Why Foreign Governments and Businesses Helped Make Bill and Hillary Rich, by Peter Schweizer - a 186-page investigation of donations made to the Clinton Foundation by foreign entities - is proving the most anticipated and feared book of a presidential cycle still in its infancy.

Mr. Schweizer writes. "The book, a copy of which was obtained by The New York Times, asserts that foreign entities who made payments to the Clinton Foundation and to Mr. Clinton through high speaking fees received favors from Mrs. Clinton’s State Department in return."

"We will see a pattern of financial transactions involving the Clintons that occurred contemporaneous with favorable U.S. policy decisions benefiting those providing the funds."


His examples include a free-trade agreement in Colombia that benefited a major foundation donor’s natural resource investments in the South American nation, development projects in the aftermath of the Haitian earthquake in 2010 and more than $1 million in payments to Mr. Clinton by a Canadian bank and major shareholder in the Keystone XL oil pipeline around the time the project was being debated in the State Department.

In the long lead up to Mrs. Clinton’s campaign announcement, aides proved adept in swatting down critical books as conservative propaganda, including Edward Klein’s "Blood Feud", about tensions between the Clintons and the Obamas, and Daniel Halper’s "Clinton Inc.: The Audacious Rebuilding of a Political Machine.”

But Clinton Cash is potentially more unsettling, both because of its focused reporting and because major news organizations including The Times, The Washington Post and Fox News have exclusive agreements with the author to pursue the story lines found in the book.

Members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, which includes Mr. Paul and Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, have been briefed on the book’s findings and its contents have already made their way into several of the Republican presidential candidates’ campaigns.

Conservative "super PACs" plan to seize on Clinton Cash and a pro-Democrat super PAC has already assembled a dossier on Mr. Schweizer, a speechwriting consultant to former President George W. Bush and a fellow at the conservative Hoover Institution who has contributed to the conservative website Breitbart.com, to make the case that he has a bias against Mrs. Clinton.

And the newly assembled Clinton campaign team is planning a full-court press to diminish the book as yet another conservative hit job. A campaign spokesman, Brian Fallon, called the book part of the Republicans’ coordinated attack strategy on Mrs. Clinton "twisting previously known facts into absurd conspiracy theories" and he said "it will not be the first work of partisan-fueled fiction about the Clintons’ record, and we know it will not be the last."

Mr. Schweizer and a spokeswoman for HarperCollins, which is owned by News Corporation and is publishing the book, declined to comment.

The timing is problematic for Mrs. Clinton as she begins a campaign to position herself as a "champion for everyday Americans." From 2001 to 2012, the Clintons’ income was at least $136.5 million, Mr. Schweizer writes, using a figure previously reported in The Post. He writes, "During Hillary’s years of public service, the Clintons have conducted or facilitated hundreds of large transactions with foreign governments and individuals. Some of these transactions have put millions in their own pockets.”

The Clinton Foundation has come under scrutiny for accepting foreign donations while Mrs. Clinton served as secretary of state.

Last week, the foundation revised its policy to allow donations from countries like Germany, Canada, the Netherlands and Britain but prohibit giving by other nations in the Middle East.


Mr. Schweizer’s book will be released the same day former President Bill Clinton and the Clintons’ daughter, Chelsea, will host the Clinton Global Initiative gathering with donors in Morocco, the culmination of a foundation trip to several African nations. (A chapter in the book is titled "Warlord Economics: The Clintons Do Africa.")

There is a robust market for books critical of the Clintons. The thinly sourced Blood Feud by Mr. Klein, at one point overtook Mrs. Clinton’s memoir Hard Choices on the best-seller list.

But whether Mr. Schweizer’s book can deliver the same sales is not clear. He writes mainly in the voice of a neutral journalist and meticulously documents his sources, including tax records and government documents, while leaving little doubt about his view of the Clintons.

His reporting largely focuses on payments made to Mr. Clinton for speeches, which increased while his wife served as secretary of state, writing that "of the 13 Clinton speeches that fetched $500,000 or more, only two occurred during the years his wife was not secretary of state."

In 2011, Mr. Clinton made $13.3 million in speaking fees for 54 speeches the majority of which were made overseas, the author writes.


The News As I See It: Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up and said, "Get lost. Get out of here!"

Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying, because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.

The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van and it says, "If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails."

This Date In History: 1769; Ottawa Indian chief Pontiac murdered. 1841; The first detective story, Edgar Allen Poe's Murders in the Rue Morgue was published. 1902; Marie and Pierre Curie isolated radium. 1912; Bram Stoker, author of Dracula, died.

1912; The Boston Red Sox played their first game at Fenway Park. They beat the N.Y. Highlanders (who in 1913 would become known as the Yankees) 7-6. 1971; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the practice of busing for racial desegregation.

1999; Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold went on a shooting spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. 14 students (including the shooters) and 1 teacher were killed; 23 others were wounded.

2008; Danica Patrick won the Indy Japan 300, becoming the first woman to win an IndyCar race. 2010; An explosion on a BP oil drilling rig off the coast of Louisiana kills 11 people and injures 17. Experts estimate that 13,000 gallons of crude oil per hour are pouring into the Gulf of Mexico.

Picture Of The Day: Team Obama II


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They should make a reality show called, "So You've Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?" 2) One thing I learned while I was out drinking this weekend was here is no such thing as a goalie in darts. 3) The phrase, "You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit." 4) The Lego Movie should have been about parents walking in the dark and screaming obscenities after stepping on Legos. 5) Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge, I can't help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - April 20th: Just as small peppers are supposed to be the hottest, there may be a small person who's ready to heat up your life. Watch out for the seeds though, they cause problems.

Birthdays: Daniel Chester, French sculptor 1850, Joan Miró, artist 1893, Lionel Hampton, vibraphonist and bandleader 1908, Tito Puente, musician, jazz percussionist 1923, Jessica Lange actress 1949.


The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose." The nurse continued, "Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The woman asked, "What about the third rose?" The nurse replied, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

Two vampire bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth.

The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?" The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."


The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do."

The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?"

She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new." The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

An old woman won a radio at a senior citizens retirement home and decide to write them a letter of thanks:

Dear Ladies and gentlemen:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely, 
Agnes

That's it for today, my little apple blossoms. Remember, being dyslexic has its drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 17, 2015

Bass Fishing In The Everglades


You've either done it or you've not. There's no in-between. Fishing, especially bass fishing, is addictive. My dad introduced me to fishing and, over the years, I introduced my children and others. I've done both fresh water and saltwater fishing and love them both, but today's post is about bass fishing in the 'Glades.

My father took us fishing everywhere and I still remember fishing for bream as a small lad using a cane pole and a bobber. Of course, my father knew a lot more about fishing, but we were just to small to fish for anything else.


As I grew older, my horizons expanded and by age 12, I was already a fairly good fisherman. We expanded our outings to fishing and camping out and soon, we began fishing in the Glades.

Over the years, I fished just about every spot imaginable with family and friends. The unfortunate part was that back in the day, cameras weren't that good and many times forgotten. If I could do it all over again, I'd make sure I took more pictures.


In the early '80s, I introduced the kids to camping and fishing in the 'Glades and watching them fish and then swim in the canals was one of my favorite memories.


People and places like, Mack and Nell Jones, owners of Mack's Fishing Camp will always hold a special place in my heart. Fishing L-67 and L-28, Lake Okeechobee, the Fire Tower road are also great memories.

I get a kick out of television shows portraying men and the "dangers" of the Everglades. I've waded in the swamps fishing for bass and swam in the canals when it got hot. Once, while wading (unbeknownst to me), a 5 foot gator was sunning itself on fallen tree branch.

When I realized it was a gator, I turned to run out of the 4 foot deep water, stepped into a hole and nearly drowned on seaweed. It scared the gator and me both. Gators aren't aggressive except during mating season or when a female is guarding a nest.



This particular canal produced the bass pictured below some twenty years earlier just after the canal was dug. It's located just one mile east of L-67 running south to Tamiami Trail. This picture was taken 35 years ago.


It just goes to show you the adage is true. Time flies when you're having a good time.....

After the kids got over their initial fear and screaming, they took to swimming in the canal like ducks to water

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that's not fair.

Hillary drove across Iowa in a van. She wanted to get to know the people she'll never see again in her life. She stopped at a Chipotle in her best tortilla pantsuit.

Fifty-seven percent of the people believe Hillary Clinton will be the next president. Now 43 percent of the people in that poll believe Hillary Clinton is already president.

A Wisconsin woman recently got a high school diploma at the age of 103 and says she is now considering going to college. Friends are recommending a two-year college.

This Date In History: 1790; Benjamin Franklin, U.S. patriot, diplomat, and a signer of the Declaration of Independence, died in Philadelphia. 1895; The Sino-Japanese War ended with the signing of the Treaty of Shimonoseki.

1937; Daffy Duck made his debut in Porky's Duck Hunt. 1961; Supported by the U.S. government, 1,500 exiles made the unsuccessful Bay of Pigs invasion in Cuba. 1964; Geraldine Mock became the first woman to fly solo around the world.

1969; Sirhan Sirhan was convicted for the murder of Robert F. Kennedy. 1970; The Apollo 13 astronauts safely splashed down after their near-disastrous flight. 1975; Phnom Penh fell to the Khmer Rouge, ending the five year Cambodian war.

Picture Of The Day: The Obama Administration Part Three. Vote for the first Mulatto Black president and then vote for the first female president. Ability, morals and background history be damned.....


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think there should be a mandatory IQ test at age 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed. 2) Is it considered rude to ask your co-worker if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz? 3) I hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he's a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator. 4) If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes, I don't think this relationship is going to work. 5) I went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass. I think I'm going to change dentists.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 17th: Your lucky goat name for today is Penelope. Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the nature of the sole.......soul.

Birthdays: J. P. Morgan, financier 1837, Isak Dinesen, author 1885, Nikita Khrushchev, Soviet Communist leader, premier of the USSR (1958–64) and first secretary of the Communist party of the Soviet Union (1953–64) 1894, Thornton Wilder, playwright 1897, Harry Reasoner, media journalist 1923.


The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: During a recent password audit by a company, it was determined that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoofySacrament"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to have at least eight characters and include at least one capital."

A man picked up his lovely date at her parent's home. He had saved enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster and Dom Perignon champagne, the most expensive items on the menu.

He asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" She replied, "No, but my mother's not expecting sex tonight." He asked, "What would you like for dessert?"

This picture was taken in the '60s with the "new" instant Polaroid camera. After the picture came out, you had to rub a substance on it to preserve it. (Little Traci on the lower right is a grandmother now)

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped motor bike pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, Sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" The old man says, "That's a lot of money! Why does it cost so much?" The doctor states proudly, "Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!"

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" The doctor answers, "No problem." So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear what it could be and suddenly, Whoosh! Something whips by him going much faster! The doctor asks himself, "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?"

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! 

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. Whoosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the old man and says, "My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Yeah, unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, and my laptop'."

The man continued, "Then she said, 'Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will’."

His buddy said, "Holy Smoke, she actually said that?" The man replied, "Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She walked in with  two weirdos and said, 'Dad, meet my new friends, D'Antwone and Mohammad. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign'."

That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, alcohol doesn't cause hangovers, waking up does. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !