It's Friday The 13th - Will Jason Be At AREA 51?

I'm not a superstitious man, but today is Friday the 13th. While the fear of Friday the 13th is often referred as Triskaidekaphobia (which is fear of the number 13), the correct word is Paraskevidekatriaphobia (Fear of Friday the 13th). If the length of those words scares you, you have Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - Fear of long words. Personally, I occasionally have Stultophobia, which is fear of stupid people who invent phobias. Stultophobia is also known as Dumbassophobia.

I really don't change my routine too much on Friday the 13th, but I also leave a sleeping dog lie, if you get my drift.

I did have some bad luck a few years ago on Friday the 13th. My girlfriend stopped by and wanted to go to Happy Hour in AREA 51. Since my car was being repaired, we took her car. She wanted to go to a new place that was out in the country because her girlfriend told her the place was nice and they had a free buffet for Happy Hour.

We were driving down the road and all of a sudden, this little bunny went racing across the road, in front of the car. My girlfriend swerved and I heard an awful "thump." My girlfriend cried, "I hit it!, I hit it!" She stopped the car and we ran back to the little bunny who was lying motionless on the road. I didn't see any blood on it, but it wasn't moving.

My girlfriend was crying hysterically and I had a lump in my throat. I really didn't know what to do and, to make matters worse, a car pulled over behind us. A Nun got out of the car, saw my sobbing girlfriend and asked what was wrong. I told her that we had hit that little bunny and she said, "Don't worry, I know what to do." I took my girlfriend by the arm and walked her away. I really didn't know what the Nun was going to do, but I was pretty sure I didn't want my girlfriend to see it.

I Looked back and the Nun took a can out of her purse, sprayed the little bunny all over and miraculously, the little bunny came to life. He jumped up, waved his paw and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, and hopped down the road. I tell you, I was really amazed. I couldn't figure out what the Nun did to save that bunny.

I ran over to her and asked, "What did you spray the bunny with, Holy Water?" The Nun turned the can around so I could read it. It said: "Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare - Adds permanent wave"

.....what?! It could be true..... Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

The News As I See It: Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats yesterday about the health care bill, and he told them to not make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce. Lou Dobbs, the outspoken anti-immigration anchor is leaving CNN. He’ll be replaced by a Mexican guy named Juan who’ll do the job for $5 an hour.

The AMA is urging the federal government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and to do more research. That request came not only from the AMA, but also from KFC. I don't feel real sorry for the three young Americans who were charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Obviously, we all pray for their safe return, but, hiking in Iraq? Who goes hiking in Iraq? What, was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?

The Mayan Calendar predicts that the world will end in 2012 and NASA has been on a campaign to ease people's fears. NASA announced that the movie "2012" is fiction and the Mayan calendar is wrong and there is no mystery planet headed towards Earth that's going destroy it. NASA says the only thing that can really destroy the planet by 2012 would be Countrywide Mortgage, AIG, and Wall Street.

Congressman William Jefferson, who the FBI caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption and prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. The congressman still maintains he did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd. Yeah......Congress!

Obama left for a 10-day trip to Singapore, China, South Korea, and Japan. Meanwhile today, Joe Biden ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner at a Panda Express. Obama said that he would be happy to travel to Copenhagen in December for the Global Climate Conference, if his presence would make a difference. The 2016 Summer Olympic Committee said, "Yeah, that will make a huge difference." The Nobel Peace Price Committee had no comment nor any idea of what was going on.

This Date In History: 1775; U.S. forces, under the command of Gen. Richard Montgomery, captured Montreal during the American Revolution. 1927; The world's first long, mechanically ventilated underwater tunnel, the Holland Tunnel, opened between New York and New Jersey. 1940; Walt Disney's Fantasia debuted.

1942; The minimum draft age was lowered from 21 to 18. 1946; Vincent Schaefer produced artificial snow from a natural cloud for the first time at Mount Greylock in Massachusetts. 1956; The Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on buses.

1982; The Vietnam War Memorial, designed by Maya Lin, was dedicated in Washington, DC. 2001; The Taliban abandoned Afghanistan's capital of Kabul when the Northern Alliance entered the city.

Picture Of The Day: Whether the old "Hee Haw" comedy show song adage, "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all", has any bearing on Friday the 13th is speculative, but my thinking is why take the chance? That said, today's theme is rather obvious, luck comes in two forms, bad and good. I say that there's another form and that is, "thought provoking and humorous", and I hope today's choices are classified in that category.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Has anyone seen this new movie, "The Men Who Stare at Goats?" It's rated "R" here in the U.S., but in the Middle East it's rated "X" for nudity. 2) On Friday the 13th in 1966 a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was accidentally run over by a black hip-hop artist. 3) A rabbit's foot is not lucky. If you don't believe me, ask the rabbit. 4) A rabbit's foot can be lucky sometimes, unless the rabbit sets foot in your garden, in which case he'll probably eat your stringbeans. 5) Horseshoes usually bring good luck today, but never trust a horse that wears high heels.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Saint Augustine, theologian 354, Johann Eck theologian 1486, Robert Louis Stevenson, poet, novelist 1850, Mary Wigman, dancer, choreographer 1886, Whoopi Goldberg, comedienne, actress 1955, Gerard Butler, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old Jewish man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The old man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The old man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. Since the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost.

He roamed the streets for an hour. Finally, he saw a backhoe and its crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He played out his heart and soul. As he played, the workers began to weep. He played "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd." He closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to his car.

As he drove into the distance, one of the workers saying to another, "Man, I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Marf! Marf!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Marf! Marf!".

That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip....... Marf!

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.

A drunk man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" The Avon Lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The Drunk replied, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."

That's it for today my little four leaf clovers. Remember, the most common injury in the game of chess is getting your king stuck in your eye, when you doze off. I'm going to AREA 51 and see how many idiots show up as Jason. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

God Bless Our Troops And God Bless America !

How ironic that the memorial for the soldiers slain during the Fort Hood massacre would come one day before Veteran's Day, the day that our nation remembers the many soldiers, both past and present, who served their country valiantly.

I watched intently yesterday as these soldiers were remembered by their families, friends, fellow comrades at Fort Hood and the many people around this nation and the world. What a sad feeling one has knowing that these soldiers lost their lives at a seemingly safe location within the United States.

Today we appreciate and remember soldiers who served and the many who were killed or wounded in the line of duty. I have to especially remember my father, James Sullivan Sr., (pictured left) who served in World War II and my late nephew, Jonathan Sullivan (pictured below, right). I served in the United States Army as well as Brother Kirt, who was in Vietnam. My friends Chris, Doug, Jimmy, Carl and Victor also are remembered, as they served their country as well.

I ask all my readers and friends to take the time to remember our soldiers, past and present, and to extend a welcome hand to anyone in uniform. I can assure you that the gesture will be quite welcome and you can put a little sunshine into a soldier's life.

The terrorist act at Fort Hood has my blood boiling. Obama immediately told the American public not to "jump to conclusions" until all the facts were in. Even, some of the media are hesitant to refer to the incident as a terrorist act but in my mind, any person or persons, whether organized or not, who wreak such havoc and death on innocent people are terrorists.

Being politically correct is not only dangerous, it's now getting people killed. I'm getting sick and tired of worrying about other people getting their feelings hurt or their feathers ruffled. It's time to call a spade a spade.

The Fort Hood massacre is a prime example of the dangers of being politically correct. The FBI knew more than six months ago that Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan had been posting pro-terrorists comments and did nothing about it. It's time to start arresting and prosecuting these mongrels and to hell with being politically correct.

You may consider this profiling, but once you've seen storm clouds and heavy rains on the horizon four or five times, you don't have to be a profiler to know that there's a hurricane coming and deal with it. It's time to start circling the wagons and deal with these assholes in the only way that they can comprehend.

The News As I See It: New York Governor David Paterson said that New York will be broke by Christmas, unless it begins cutting jobs. New Yorkers are saying, "Good call. Let’s start with the governor" CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s part of his plan to finally deliver on campaign promises. Right!The promises made by John McCain. A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce. They are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

Congressman Barney Frank's boyfriend got caught growing marijuana in his back yard. When interviewed, Frank was offended by the implications that he was aware that his boyfriend was growing the plants. When interviewed, Frank said that he was "not much of an outdoorsman" (gasp) and wouldn't know a marijuana plant if he saw one. Get real, Barney!

Yesterday, twenty years ago in Germany, David Hasselhoff performed a concert to celebrate the fall of the Berlin Wall and today he was invited back to perform on the anniversary. Then, immediately after Hasselhoff sang, they started building a new wall. A woman in Texas almost pulled off an unbelievable scam. She told everyone she had cancer, held a benefit, and then used the money she raised to get a boob job. All of her friends and family said they were very disappointed.....until they saw her.

This Date In History: 1620; The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1831; Former slave Nat Turner was executed. 1889 Washington became the 42nd state.

1918; The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I. 1921; The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery. 1965; Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain. 1992; The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests.

2004; Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.

Picture Of The Day: Words are not necessary for today's pictures. I chose these out of many that are now circulating on the Internet.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I swear if I see another commercial by Billy Mays, I'm going to dig his dead ass up, stuff a sock in his mouth and bury him again! 2) Does anyone remember "kickapoo joy juice"? 3) Money isn't everything but it sure does keep the kids in touch. 4) It is a known fact that the colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. 5) Although the many islands in the south Pacific are nice, I like Polynesia the best. The word is derived form the ancient "Pollynesia" which is memory loss in parrots.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My niece, Sommer, whose birthday was yesterday. Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, My pal, Tommy 0 - Happy Birthday Buddy 19XX, Maude Adams, actress 1872, George Patton, general 1885 Howard Fast, author 1914, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922, Carlos Fuentes, writer, editor, and diplomat 1928, LaVern Baker, singer 1929, Calista Flockhart, actress 1964, Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?" He replies, "Yes, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together and we were probably naked as jaybirds." The old woman snickers, "Well, let's get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. The old woman says breathlessly, "You know, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." The old man says, "I'm not surprised. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. When bell 1 rings, we all put on our jackets, then bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. When bell 3 rings, we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say "bell 1", I want you to strip naked. When say 'BELL 2', I want you to jump in bed and when I say 'bell 3', we make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled, "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled, "Bell 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled, "Bell 4!" The husband said, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife answered, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. The man says, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

The man continued, "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it ......stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my big mistake."

The doctor asked, "What did you do?" The man replied, "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember too much after that....."

That's it for today my little fire plugs. Remember our troops! I'm going to Happy Hour at AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

What A Weird Week !

From CNN's Jack Cafferty:

Don't cancel your existing health insurance just yet. Health care reform narrowly passed the House late Saturday night; but it's a long, long way from a done deal in the Senate. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is comparing this legislation, which passed by a scant five votes, to the passage of Social Security and Medicare; and President Obama says he looks forward to signing it into law by the end of the year. Not so fast...

One top Senate Republican, Lindsay Graham of South Carolina, is already declaring the bill "dead in the water." Here's why: What happens to the so-called public option? Harry Reid still doesn't have the votes to pass that. And Republicans along with Independent Joe Lieberman are promising a filibuster if the public option stays.

The House bill costs hundreds of billions of dollars more than the latest Senate version; which means the Senate could wind up cutting expensive parts of the bill - like a requirement for employers to provide coverage. Another huge difference between the bills is how to pay for reform.

And what about abortion funding? At the last minute, the House passed an amendment that prohibits federal funds from going to insurance plans that offer abortion coverage. For millions of women - this could mean the house bill breaks the promise that "if you like your current health care you can keep it."

This much you can count on. Anytime the House votes late on a Saturday night after last minute changes were made and the promise by Pelosi is broken to post the bill online for 72 hours before a final vote, it ain't good.

The opinions of Jack Cafferty and my opinions do not always correlate, but in this case, I agree with Cafferty. In the past, Caffert and I were usually on the same page, but during CNN's embarrassing Obama ass kissing during the presidential campaign, his opinions and views began do differ with mine more often.

It seems now that Cafferty, as well as CNN, are beginning to come out of their Obama coma and begin to look at issues with a more open and judging eye. This idea seems to confuse most of the media now days as non-biased reporting seems to be a new concept.

The U.S. Supreme Court has refused to block Tuesday's scheduled execution of sniper mastermind John Allen Muhammad. Muhammad is scheduled to die by injection at a Virginia prison for the slaying of Dean Harold Meyers at a gas station during a three-week spree in 2002 across Maryland, Virginia and Washington, D.C.

Muhammad and his teenage accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, were also suspected of fatal shootings in other states, including Louisiana, Alabama and Arizona. Malvo is serving a life sentence.

Unlike the Swine Flu vaccine, we have sufficient drugs for lethal injections so have a nice trip Muhammed and tell Allah that Jimmy says "Hey."

The News As I See It: Sarah Palin's new book is coming out next month. It’s called, "Going Rogue." She’s already received a million dollars for the book. This weekend, she took that money and went shopping. She went to Bed, Bath and You Betcha.

Chrysler has announced a new logo that is going to appear on all of its cars. They hope it will boost sales. It should help, the logo is "Toyota."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on election night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions. Voters in Breckenridge, Colorado, which is a ski resort town, passed a ballot measure legalizing marijuana. Well, pot smoking and skiing. What could go wrong there?

President Obama embarrassed his daughter Malia by revealing that she recently got a 73 on a science test. Then Malia embarrassed him by asking him how the governor's races in Virginia and New Jersey turned out. Obama met with Native-American tribal leaders last week, and they gave him the Indian name “He Who Cares.” Then they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name “Big Chief Running Mouth.”

This Date In History: 1888; Jack the Ripper killed his last victim, Mary Jane Kelly. 1938; Nazis burned and looted temples and Jewish-owned stores and houses in Germany and Austria in what became known as Kristallnacht (Crystal Night - referring to broken glass on streets). 1953; Author-poet Dylan Thomas died in New York at age 39.

1965; A switch at a station near Niagara Falls failed. The Northeast and parts of Canada went dark for more than 13 hours. 1970; Former French president Charles De Gaulle died at age 79. 1989; Borders between East and West Germany were opened and the Berlin Wall began to be dismantled the next day.

Picture Of The Day: The idea of Sarah Palin writing a book is about as scary as the Democratic Health Plan. Then again, I never thought that the American public would have been so desperate as to vote for Obama.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 99 percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2) Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about kittens and puppies. 3) There is no reason that a man has to be in the delivery room while his wife is in labor unless the word "alimony" has a distinct meaning to him. 4) My ex-mother-in-law said she won't go to the discount proctologist any more because he did a half-assed job. 5) Over the years I've learned that anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Benjamin Banneker, mathematician, astronomer, surveyor 1731, Gail Borden, dairyman, surveyor, and inventor 1801, Elijah Lovejoy, abolitionist 1802, Ivan Turgenev, novelist 1818, Stanford White, architect 1853, Anne Sexton, poet 1928, Carl Sagan, American astronomer and popularizer of science 1934, David Duval, golfer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Mother, why is my older brother named Golden Eagle?" His mother answered, "Because the morning before he was conceived, a magnificent eagle flew over your father and I as we were walking."

The boy then asked, "Why is my sister named Running Deer"? His mother replied, "Well, your father and I were lying in the woods that night when a beautiful deer ran past us and disappeared into the night." The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why are you so curious?"

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignores his remark. A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignores his remark.

Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous. He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up this grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!!"

Three Labrador retrievers - a black, brown, and yellow are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The yellow lab turns to the black and says, "So why are you here?" The black lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything-the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The yellow lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" The black lab says, "Lethal injection."

The yellow lab then turns to the brown lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." The yellow lab asked, "So what are they going to do to you?" The dejected brown lab said, "Lethal injection."

The brown lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The black and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?" The yellow lab says, "No, no, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

That's it for today my little turtle doves. Remember, life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow. More on Wednesday

Stay Tuned !

God Bless The Victims And Families Of The Fort Hood Massacre !

My deepest sympathies go out to the families and friends of the victims of the yesterday's Fort Hood massacre. Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, the asshole who committed this horrible terrorist act, left 13 dead and 30 wounded soldiers in his rampage. He is currently on a ventilator and unconscious in a hospital after being shot four times during the shootings. Soldiers on scene when the shootings began reported that Hasan shouted "God is great" in Arabic before opening fire on his victims. With a little bit of luck, Hasan will soon join Allah.

Officer Kimberly Munley of the Fort Hood Police Department was the person who brought Hasan down and was wounded herself in the process. It is also necessary to recognize the quick actions of the soldiers involved or near the conflict that immediately attended to the wounded, many tearing of their own shirts and t-shirts in attempt to stop the bleeding and apply compression to the wounds of their fallen comrades.

It's amazing that Hasan had no problems accepting a free college education from the US. Army but had problems with the idea of serving his country and fulfilling his military obligations. Hasan was apparently set to deploy soon, and had expressed some anger about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Reportedly, Hasan had hoped Obama would pull troops out of Afghanistan and Iraq and got into frequent arguments with others in the military who supported the wars. Hasan's record wasn't sterling. At Walter Reed, he received a poor performance evaluation, according to an official who spoke on condition of anonymity. While he was an intern, Hasan had some "difficulties" that required counseling and extra supervision, said Dr. Thomas Grieger, who was the training director at the time.

At least six months ago, Hasan came to the attention of law enforcement officials because of Internet postings about suicide bombings and other threats, including posts that equated suicide bombers to soldiers who throw themselves on a grenade to save the lives of their comrades.

The News As I See It: Two people suspected of stealing up to 1,000 pieces of luggage from baggage claim carousels at Phoenix’s airport have been arrested by police who found heaps of the stolen bags strewn throughout their home. Their bail has been set at $30,000, or as Delta Airlines calls it, $30 a bag.

One year ago this week, Barack Obama was elected president. One year later, we're still in Iraq and we're still in Afghanistan, but, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul. Congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the purchase of his third term. Bloomberg was limited to just two terms, but he changed the law so he could run again and be in power another four years. Today, Arnold Scharzenegger said, "You can do that?"

Former President Bush is in Japan, and he was met with protesters carrying signs that said, "Arrest Bush" and "Bush is a war criminal." When he saw the signs, Bush said, 'Thanks for making me feel at home. Appreciate it.'" There is a shortage of the swine flu vaccine. Did you ever notice in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. Maybe we should pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making the swine flu vaccine. In any case, if the government can't get the swine flu vaccine right, just imagine how they'll take care of us under Obamacare.

And finally, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. I guess people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.

This Date In History: 1860; Abraham Lincoln is elected president of the United States 1861; Jefferson Davis is elected president of the Confederate States of America 1869; The first intercollegiate soccer game took place (Rutgers 6, Princeton 4) 1893; Composer Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky died in St. Petersburg, Russia, at age 53 1913; Mohandas Gandhi led a march of miners in South Africa. He was arrested three times in the first four days of the march.

Picture Of The Day: I had some pretty nifty pictures for you today, but due to yesterday's incident at Fort Hood, I thought that a display of flowers would be more appropriate. Todays pictures are dedicated to those victims and their families and friends. God bless our troops!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The Swine Flu has really affected tourism in Florida, especially Disney World. Some parents are avoiding the park because they’re concerned that it's a "Swine Flu Petri dish." I wouldn't worry too much about that. When you pass by the Snow White exhibit, just steer clear of "Sneezy." 2) My friend Garnett got some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said, "remove cap and push up bottom." He says he can barely walk, but whenever he farts, the room smells freakin' awesome.

3) I finally got a new digital camera and as soon as I understand it, I'll be hell on wheels until the novelty wears off. So far, I've learned how to turn it on...4) When blondes have more fun, do they know it? 5) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?....and that's five !

Birthdays: Director Mike Nichols is 78, Actress Sally Field is 63, Pop singer-musician Glenn Frey (The Eagles) is 61, California's first lady Maria Shriver is 54. Actor Ethan Hawke is 39.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

His wife impatiently asks, "Well, what was it?" He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' " She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

My pal, Garnett, is always showing his ass and even some of his readers seem to think he's got a cute ass. Personally, I never thought Garnett had a cute ass until he sent me this picture.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt, and my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. The turkey said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy." The bull said, "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Two carrots were walking down the street one day and they saw two little potatoes standing on the street corner. The first carrot says, "They're prostitutes!" The second carrot says, "How can you tell they're prostitutes?" The first carrot says, "They've got those little stickers on them that says, 'I - DA - HO !'"

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12! Tampax supersize!"

Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Murray went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' Murray said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

That's it for today my little lamb chops. Remember, originality is the art of concealing your sources. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and a little carousing. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Did I Tell You That I Hate Politicians?

Republicans won two important Gubernatorial races yesterday with Bob McDonnell sweeping in Virginia and Chris Christie winning in New Jersey. It's probably too early to know if this is an "Obama reaction", but we'll know a lot better in the upcoming 2010 elections.

The most digesting win was for mayor of New York City. Mayor Michael Bloomberg was reelected four four more years after spending over 100 million dollars of his own money in his campaign. It's not unusual to see wealthy politicians buying their own seats, but this little man with an obvious "Napoleon complex" evidently has an agenda.

The obvious political bonuses of bribery and graft notwithstanding, Mayor Bloomberg has strong ideas on what is "disgraceful" or "a disgrace." But they don't necessarily jibe from one year to the next. His words from Nov. 22, 2005, shortly after he was reelected were, "The public wants term limits and while there may be — it may be that the City Council has a right to override them, deliberately saying to the public ‘we don’t care what you think’ is, I would use the word 'disgraceful.'"

Fast-forward nearly four years to May 28, 2009 and Bloomberg, who cannot run for Mayor again due to term limits, announces that if the City Council decides to change term limit laws and allow him to run again for an unprecedented third term, he would not protest.

Bloomberg later calls reporter Azi Paybarah "a disgrace" for asking him if, in the light of the "improved" economy, he should readjust his rationale for running for a third term. Evidently, to Bloomberg, "disgraceful" is a relative term, except when applied to people who disagree with him.

The News As I See It: Afghanistan elections are over and Hamid Karzai has been declared the winner because his opponent, Abdullah Abdullah, pulled out of the race. Abdullah says he wants to spend more time with his wife, Paula Abdullah. He may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son, Abdullah W. Abdullah, will be on the ballot.

George "Dubya" Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. If you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression. Bush will be a great motivational speaker. Look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. According to a report on Edmunds.com, the real cost of the Cash for Clunkers program was $24,000 per car. Every car that was traded in cost us, the taxpayers, $24,000. I wonder how many people would have rather kept their old car and just get a check for 20 grand from the government.

Barack Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Apparently he's promised them 72 virgins and full dental coverage. The White House also approved a new plan to pay the Taliban fighters to switch sides and join the U.S. The program is called Moolah for Mullah.

In a new interview. Obama admitted that he has had "bumps in his marriage." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Bumps? I would kill for bumps!" The White House grounds are a looking better this week. Obama planted a tree on the north lawn of the White House in a spot where Bush planted one that did not take. Apparently, nobody had the heart to tell Bush that his tree was actually a coat rack.

Americans saved money this Halloween by wearing the same costume they wore last year. Huh... ! So that's why there were so many trick or treaters dressed as a lady astronaut in a diaper. That brings back memories, doesn't it? The White House also gave out treats to the kids, but most of those that came with their hands out were the children of ACORN employees and auto company executives.

And, finally CNN reported yesterday that colleges are offering degrees in Hip Hop. Yep, you heard me, Hip Hop. Companies are actually pursuing these graduates as soon as they graduate. The companies include Burger King, Wendys and McDonalds.

This Date In History: 1918; Wilfred Owen, one of the finest war poets of modern times, is killed by machine-gun fire a week before the end of World War I. 1922; Howard Carter discovers the tomb of Tutankhamen in the Valley of the Kings, Egypt.

1942; At the Second Battle of El ‘Alamein, the British 8th Army, led by General Bernard Montgomery, defeats the Axis forces after a grinding battle of attrition, forcing them into a long retreat. 1952; Dwight D. Eisenhower is elected the 34th president of the United States.

1956; The Soviet Union invades Hungary in order to crush the Hungarian Revolution. 1979; The Iran Hostage Crisis begins when student followers of Ruhollah Khomeini storm the US Embassy in Tehran. 1995; Israeli prime minister Yitzhak Rabin is assassinated by a Jewish extremist.

Picture Of The Day: Political pictures and cartoons are today's theme and with all the laughable, sleazy politicians around, these cartoons are easy to find.

Additionally, on a good day, you can get cartoons of the politicians with their ambulance chasing attorneys receiving kickbacks and bribes from the lobbyists who were promised to be banned by "da prez." Ah, politicians, attorneys and lobbyists, ya gotta.....shoot them!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Brother Kirt had a lot of emotional problems as a child. I remember he used to think he was a chicken. We didn't say anything about it because we needed the eggs. 2) The trouble with life is there's no background music. 3) There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot." 4) My mom never really learn to swear until she learned to drive. 5) This week's Psychics meeting has been canceled due to unforeseen events....and that's five !

Birthdays: Father Joseph, French priest and statesman 1577, Will Rogers, American humorist, actor, and writer 1879, Walter Cronkite, American broadcast journalist, renowned as the long-standing anchor of the CBS Evening News (1962-1981) 1916, Robert Mapplethorpe, American photographer 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A 65 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my girlfriend for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. We even called up Maude, the lady next door and she tried too, but still nothing.

The shocked doctor said. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt, and my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A rather confident man walked into a bar and took a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment. The woman noticed this and asked, "Is your date running late?" The man replied, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman said, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The man said, "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," She say, "What's it telling you now?" He says, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man replied, "Damn, this thing must be an hour fast."

A dietitian, addressing a large audience in Chicago, said to the crowd, "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful, soft drinks erode your stomach lining and Chinese food is loaded with MSG. None of us even realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

The dietitian continued, "There is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. She cried out, "Hello?" There was no answer. She cried out again, "Is there anyone here?" Still, no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared. She yelled at the top of her voice, "Hello? Is there anyone here?" Then, a faint voice from far, far away called out, "We're down here!"

That's it for today my little goslings. Remember, chastity is curable if detected early. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Time For A Reality Check

Halloween's over and reality, as it is wont to do, has returned in full force. It was interesting to hear Obama expound today on how well the economy is rebounding after the "stimulus package" and the government bailouts.

With those words in mind, I read in today's financial news that CIT Group, the giant small business lender, filed for a "pre-packaged bankruptcy" Sunday night carrying some $71 billion in assets, after last ditch attempts to avert such an outcome failed. The development will keep the doors open at the 101-year-old small business lender, but there will be heavy losses, including, most likely, $2.3 billion in taxpayer bailout funds which will never be collected. CIT's bankruptcy filing will be the fifth largest in U.S. history, after Lehman Brothers, Washington Mutual, Worldcom and General Motors.

The government is also spending our tax dollars on the new "Obama phone" which provides eligible families a FREE new phone and approximately 70 minutes of FREE minutes every month. Before you become all excited about this concept, if you have a job and pay taxes, chances are you don't qualify. Evidently, the concept of God, family, and hard work have flown out the window and are being replaced with "Hope and Change" and "Change we can believe in."

While I think it's a good idea to provide anyone a phone that will dial 911 or their home, I think any additional minutes for idle chatter is a bit much. You can click on the link below to read more about the "Obama phone." https://www.safelinkwireless.com/EnrollmentPublic/home.aspx

The new Navy assault ship USS New York, built with World Trade Center steel, arrived in its namesake city Monday with a 21-gun salute near the site of the 2001 terrorist attack. First responders, families of Sept. 11 victims and the public gathered Monday at a waterfront viewing area, where they could see the crew standing at attention along the deck of the battleship gray vessel.

The News As I See It: Halloween has come and gone and most adults are happy about that, especially after the "adult" parties. The White House always distributes candy to the children on Halloween and the president and first lady distributed over 2,000 gift bags this year. In past years, the Bush administration did the same thing and even included the old ritual of bobbing for apples or, as Dick Cheney calls it, "apple boarding." The Social Security Administration recently announced there will be no cost of living increase for senior citizens. Social Security is the government's most popular program. A couple of years ago, President Bush wanted to privatize Social Security and put all the money in the stock market. That would have been be like hiring Michael Vick to look after your dog!

Barack Obama's new "Spread the Wealth" pencil sharpener will be mailed to every US taxpayer with the new 2009 IRS tax forms. It's free to everyone who is employed and who will be paying for someone else.
Be watching for yours in your mail box, soon!

This Date In History: 1698; Scottish settlers arrive in Panama as part of the disastrous Darién Venture to create a Scottish colony on the isthmus of Central America. 1917; The Balfour Declaration is issued, stating that Great Britain is in favour of a Jewish national home in Palestine.

1947; Howard Hughes test-flies the Spruce Goose, one of the largest aeroplanes ever constructed, in its one-and-only flight. 1950; George Bernard Shaw, Irish-born dramatist, activist, and Nobel laureate, dies aged 94.

Picture Of The Day: Today's picture of the day is a taste of an entry I have in mind for the upcoming days. Animal pirates is the basic idea but with some hopefully interesting social and political applications.

The words "pirate" and "monkey" can each describe a variety of things but when combined, have an excellent use, double entendre notwithstanding.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It dawned on me today to tell you that if you have a particular song or artist that you'd like me to add to my music playlist, please let me know in your comments and I will add them. 2) Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? 3) One of my pals used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got him fired. 4) Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked. 5) They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edward V, uncrowned king of England 1470, Daniel Boone, American pioneer 1734, Marie Antoinette, Queen Consort (1774-1792) of Louis XVI of France 1755, James Polk, 11th president of the United States 1795, Warren G. Harding, 29th president of the United States 1865, Burt Lancaster, American actor 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. She looked off into the distance at least three minutes and then she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Kay and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. The frog says, "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant about an inch tall and perfectly formed. Confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this tiny porcelain elephant as collateral." She holds up the tiny elephant and says, "What in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are....)

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

That's it for today my little pickle packers. Remember, guns don't kill people but postal workers do! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Halloween

Halloween is tomorrow and I always enjoy seeing the little kids dressed in their costumes. I'm referring to the wee, little ones, three to seven or eight years old. Half of those kids, at that age, have no idea what's going on but they soon learn to equate Halloween with free candy. The adults, on the other hand, are something else. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called "Blackula." Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called "Dick Cheney."

Last Saturday, I went to one of the local AREA 51 watering holes having no idea that the were having a Halloween party. Most of the women were exquisite but the men's costumes were really lame. It's bad enough that they even dressed in costumes but you would hope they might have had a little imagination.

We used to have Halloween parties when I was married, but I hate to wear costumes. My wife complained so much that eventually, I figured out a way to wear a costume without wearing a costume. Since I like to dress in dark colors, I wore black pants and a black shirt and fashioned a white collar out of the box where I bought the shirt. I put on a grey suede jacket, et voila, "Father Jimmy." This ruse proved rather useful after my divorce as I wore that costume to many Halloween parties and "saved" many females.

At one of our Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My ex-mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked "Where is the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

The News As I See It: The University of Chicago wants to house the Barack Obama Presidential Library. It will be just like George W. Bush’s library, except it will have books. Bush gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. He spoke for a half-hour and said he hoped his words were “inspirationistic.” Bush is really good at motivating. Last year he motivated everyone to vote for Obama. Police in Dallas stand accused of giving traffic tickets to motorists who did not speak English. If they did that in California they could balance the state budget in a week.

President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. In a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban. Former President George W. Bush is going to India tomorrow to give a speech. The speech will be entitled, “Hey, Which of You Snake-Charmers Is Gonna Fix My Computer?”

The Swine Flu scare is an easy excuse for cunning students with a little sense. The fact is that more people die from the common flu than the Swine Flu, but if I was a teenager, I'd be oinking like there's no tomorrow on those cold school days that are passed much easier in bed.

Is That A Ferret In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? It's one thing for shoplifters to hide plunder in their pants. But a live ferret? Police say a homeless man in Jacksonville Beach, Florida did just that. And he made it out the door before being challenged.

Thirty-eight-year-old Rodney Bolton is charged with theft over the $129 animal that police say he took from a pet store in Jacksonville Beach. A 17-year-old witness confronted Bolton in the parking lot and was bitten by the animal after the man allegedly shoved it in the teen's face. That confrontation makes the ferret a "special weapon" under Florida law, so Bolton also faces battery charges for dangerously wielding a ferret.

I would like to sincerely thank all of my readers for their kind words and comments about my nephew, Jonathan Sullivan. His parents, brothers and sisters, and all of our families are deeply touched by your kind response.

This Date In History: 1831; Escaped slave Nat Turner is apprehended in Southampton County, Virginia, several weeks after leading the bloodiest slave uprising in American history. 1925; In his London laboratory, John Logie Baird transmits the first-ever television pictures of a moving image.

1938; Orson Welles stirs panic across the United States of America with his War of the Worlds radio dramatization. 1961; At the Novaya Zemlya archipelago, the Soviet Union detonates a 58-megaton thermonuclear bomb, which at about 2,900 times the size of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima in 1945 is the largest-ever nuclear weapon to be tested.

Picture Of The Day: Halloween pictures are always fun and this Halloween is no exception. There were so many good Pictures available that I'm going to post some more on my other blog. "Jimmy's Journal - The Original." You can find the link on my sidebar. If. by chance they're not yet posted, stop by a little later.

I'm not sure of who the top picture is supposed to be but it did remind me that I haven't gotten my tickets to Michael Jackson's documentary yet.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say now is is healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the Swine flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out Square dancing across America! 2) Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. 3) Believe it or not, the hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 4) Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope. 5) If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Adams, 2nd president of the United States 1735, Ezra Pound, American avant-garde poet, critic, and translator, who exerted an enormous influence on the development of English and American poetry and criticism in the early 20th century 1885, Peter Warlock, composer, critic, editor, and writer 1894, Louis Malle, French film director 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Anne, Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. The Professor said, "Young ladies, the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." The young man replied indignantly, "Sir, I'm a college graduate." The manager replied, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that. Here, give me the broom and I'll show you how."

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Were did you get that?" The parrot says, "Chicago, they're all over the place."

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight, now embarrassed that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better. As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

That's it for today my little pumpkins. Remember, if you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" There are Halloween parties galore tonight and I think "Father Jimmy" may have to investigate the flock in AREA 51 tonight. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !