Wednesday, November 19, 2014
I am a night owl. I hate to get up early which is one of the reasons I own my company. Moreover, I hate any appointment that starts at 9 am. The only thing that could make things worse is a 9 am doctor's appointment. Et voila, le pièce de résistance.
I embarked on my 20 mile trek at the crack of 8:30, thus assuring a race against time for an appointment at which I knew that I would not be called until 9:45, unless I was late.
Unfortunately, the weather gods amused themselves by lowering the temperature down to a blustery 55 degrees, complemented by a cold, wet, brisk northern wind. Did I mention it was raining?
Joining the fun, my car heater decided to take fifteen minutes to get to a temperature which my teeth didn't chatter. Naturally, in my haste to get on the road, I was dressed only in a thin, long sleeved shirt which the wind blew through like a knife through butter.
The appointment was with an eye specialist or, quite frankly, I would have blown the whole thing off. The good news was that things went well. The bad news was that I drove home under the same conditions with the added burden of dilated eyes.
It could have been worse, I guess.....
The News As I See It: Miami Marlins outfielder Giancarlo Stanton has signed the biggest contract in American sports history, worth $325 million over 13 years. This is the first time a team's owner has been tested for drugs. What could possibly go A-Rod?
A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?
Last week, a Florida woman and her 20-year-old daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital. I guess there’s nothing like giving birth to take the edge off becoming a grandma.
It's rumored that Kim Kardashian may buy a private island near Australia. Because if there's one thing she can't live without, it's her privacy.
Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry his 26-year-old girlfriend, who calls herself "Star." There you go, folks, another eHarmony success story.
This Date In History: 1703; A masked man held prisoner in the Bastille in Paris died. His true identity was the cause of much intrigue, and his story became the basis of literary works by François Voltaire and Alexandre Dumas.
1794; John Jay and Lord Grenville signed Jay's Treaty. 1863; Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address at the dedication of the national cemetery on the Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.
1977; Egyptian president Anwar Sadat became the first Arab leader to visit Israel. 1985; Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev met for the first time in Geneva. 1990; Milli Vanilli's Grammy award was rescinded after it was discovered they didn't do their own singing.
Picture Of The Day: Fiery-eyed beauty.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. 2) Some circumstantial evidence is compelling, like finding a trout in your milk. 3) The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. 4) In order to fly on an airplane, I must be filled up with Johnny Walker Black at the same time as the airplane is filled with aviation fuel. 5) A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 19th: Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" when there is not a treeful nearby may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. Try to avoid reading dusty old books that call themselves "tomes." Chance of romance is 35.91 percent.
Birthdays: James A. Garfield 20th American President 1831, Billy Sunday evangelist 1862, Indira Gandhi political leader 1917, Larry King TV personality 1933, Yuan T. Lee chemist 1936, Ted Turner business executive 1938, Calvin Klein fashion designer 1942, Eileen Collins astronaut 1956, Allison Janney actor 1960, Meg Ryan actress 1961, Jodie Foster actor 1962.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde went the library and stepped up to the desk. She said to the desk clerk, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke." The desk clerk said, "Shhh...this is a library."
The blonde said, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." Then, the blonde leaned over close to the desk clerk and whispered, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke."
A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.
His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll go you one better. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink.
The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
With that, the host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"
A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff.
Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde replies, "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
That's it for today, my little jitterbugs. Remember, women like silent men; they think they're listening. I;m off to AREA 51 - See you there!
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Monday, November 17, 2014
Congratulations to Kevin Harvick for winning the Nascar Sprint Cup Championship at Miami-Homested Homestead, winning the final race of the year, as well. Ryan Newman, who everyone seemed to write off as a contender to win, finished 2nd in the championship edging out Denny Hamlin, who finished third in the championship..
Joey Logano, who was running in the front pack with the other contenders had a jack slip on one of the final pit stops and never recovered.
All things considered, it was a good race and now begins the countdown to the 2015 Daytona 500 in February.
The Gruber- Obama controversy and lies continue: During a press conference at the closing of the G-20 summit in Australia, Fox News White House correspondent Ed Henry asked President Obama to comment on the firestorm created by ObamaCare architect Jonathan Gruber.
Obama: "The fact that some adviser [Jonathon Gruber} who was never on our staff expressed an opinion that I completely disagree with in terms of the voters is not a reflection on the actual process that was run.”
Really? Gruber was not only paid $92,000 by HHS to build an ObamaCare simulation model, he was later signed to an eight-month contract for an additional $297,000, bringing his total take from the administration to nearly $400,000. Oh, and Obama mentioned Gruber by name in 2008 (on video). Sure you don't know him, Barry.
White House logs show that Gruber met in the Oval Office with Obama, senior advisor David Axelrod and CBO Director Douglas Elmendorf. According to Gruber, Obama was concerned with the politics of passing ObamaCare.
Nancy Pelosi claimed last week that she had never heard of Gruber; she praised the MIT economist in 2009 for his work on ObamaCare. Of course, what makes Gruber’s comments even more damning to the Obama administration is the fact that they’ve been borne out. There was no transparency.
After all, Nancy Pelosi infamously told us: "We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it."
Obama did mislead the public with his 2013 Lie of the Year: "If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan."
Obama did tell us that the average healthcare premium would decrease by $2,500; it increased by more than $3,000, with additional increases coming in 2015.
Yet, Obama now tries to simply dismiss Gruber as "some adviser who never worked on our staff." Unbelievable! Then again, not.
And Obama wonders why a majority of Americans no longer trust or believe anything he says.
The News As I See It: After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote next week to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. They're hoping the pipeline will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian's ass in her next photo shoot.
The pipeline would run from Canada to the Gulf Coast. It'll be the biggest underground structure leading into the U.S. Then people in Mexico said, "Eh.....second biggest."
It was thought that New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.
This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time. 1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt.
1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France. 1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl". NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets.
1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook." 1989; The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia. 2003; Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor of California.
Picture Of The Day: The 2014 Nascar Champion Kevin Harvick as he exits his race car in the Miami Homestead Speedway Infield.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke. 2) You know you're getting old when you have to turn your music down to park your car. 3) Hey Google, how about letting me type more than three letters in my search before you start trying to confuse me with suggestions. 4) I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. 5) And on that dark and fateful day, I boldly said to my Mom, "Okay, then when will you have time for my shenanigans?".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 17th: Bread, lightly cooked, buttered. Today's horoscope is sponsored by Toast. All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and some theft. Long walks, cold showers and playing with puppies will help alleviate the lack of romance in your life this week.
Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner, physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny De Vito, actor, director, producer 1944, Lorne Michaels, TV producer 1944.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything - noise, spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away.
The second Pastor then said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all of mine and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest dog in the kennel and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. The buyer said, "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," The owner replied, "He's not bad, but I have something better in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. The buyer said, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." The owner said, "Well, no, I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you."
The buyer was flabbergasted. He said, "You're joking! This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!" The owner said, "I know, I know, but he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice and you were so rude." George replied, "Harriet, she's a prostitute." Harriet said, "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" George said, "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for "Bambi" to come to room 1217. George said, "Now, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" Bambi said, "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. He said, "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must be a real hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." George said, "Well, I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, if a man says he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Friday, November 14, 2014
Thou shalt not lie. Especially when thou messeth with one-sixth of the U.S. economy and especially when thou art assuring Americans that thy bill won't kill their health insurance policies. Because when thou gets snared in thy intentional deceptions, thy payeth hell.
Democrats in Congress and their allies sold ObamaCare. We know this because arrogant MIT economist Jonathan Gruber, a key architect of the act, repeatedly gloated — in video-recorded appearances — that the sponsors lied.
One passage from an October 2013 conference at the University of Pennsylvania: "lack of transparency is a huge political advantage and basically, you know, call it 'the stupidity of the American voter or whatever', but basically, that was really, really critical to getting this thing (ObamaCare) to pass."
The Wall Street Journal later reported that Obama's advisers knew he was making a promise he couldn't keep, and they debated whether he should "explain the nuances of the succinct line in his stump speeches."
Instead, three months after Obama signed the ACA in March 2010, the administration acknowledged on page 34,552 of the Federal Register its midrange estimate that "66 percent of small employer plans and 45 percent of large employer plans" couldn't survive ObamaCare. Last autumn's wave of canceled individual policies further debunked the If-you-like promise that, to their eternal chagrin, hundreds of campaigning Democrats repeated to voters.
|Nancy Pelosi in a 2009 press conference, praised Jonathon Gruber's work on Obamacare.|
Defenders of Obamacare dismiss these revelations with three breezy retorts: "We all knew how the law really would work." (No) "You gotta do what you gotta do." (No) And "This Gruber, he's a nobody." This third excuse basked in absurdity Thursday: Nancy Pelosi dismissively said she didn't know who Gruber is and that he didn't help write the ACA, so, "Let's put him aside."
Turns out that Pelosi issued a 2009 news release touting "noted MIT health care economist Jonathan Gruber" whose modeling predicted "lower premiums than under current law for the millions of Americans using the newly-established Health Insurance Exchange." Oh, and Pelosi also had discussed Gruber at a news conference.
Although the mainstream media as a whole (with few exceptions) is covering up the damning video of ObamaCare architect Jonathan Gruber openly discussing all the lies and deceit surrounding passage of Obama's signature domestic achievement, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi forced the Washington Post's hand on the matter Thursday when she was caught lying about not knowing Gruber.
Pelosi told reporters Thursday, "I don't know who [Gruber] is. He didn't help write our bill." The only problem with that claim is the Post's discovery that in November of 2009, Pelosi gushed over Gruber by name.
The question is not whether or not Obamacare is good for America. The question is should we allow politicians and their accomplices to knowingly lie to and deceive the American public without consequences.
"We have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it" — Then-U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Obamacare, March 9, 2010. Nancy Pelosi says she doesn't know him? Googling her, says she does, complete with video.
There you have it, my friends. Lies, deception and arrogance from Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Jonathon Gruber. And they wonder why they were overwhelmingly defeated and ousted in the 2014 midterm elections. Is this a great country or what?
Author's Note: Today's post is partially comprised of excerpts from The Chicago Tribune (November 13, 2014).
The Nascar Championship will be held this weekend at Miami-Homestead Speedway. The championship will be decided between the four finalists; Denny Hamlin, Joey Logano, Kevin Harvick and Ryan Newman.
Jeff Gordon won the pole position for Sunday's race with Championship drivers Kevin Harvick starting 5th, Denny Hamlin starting 8th, Joey Logano starting 9th and Ryan Newman qualifying in the 21st position. Methinks the race will be a barn-burner and should fun to watch.
The race starts at 3 pm (EST) and will be televised on ESPN.
The News As I See It: The Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse?
It's rumored that Obama is planning to announce a new 10-part immigration plan before Thanksgiving. And you thought your family wouldn't have anything to argue about this year.
The New York doctor who caught Ebola and proceeded to gad about town endangering the public, has been declared Ebola free. Obama called the doctor to thank him for his selflessness and compassion. Then to be safe, Obama threw his phone in a trash can and lit it on fire.
People in China criticized Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They're saying he looked like a rapper. Hey, lose the suit and give him a joint....? I agree.
The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet 317 million miles from Earth. When you get discouraged by how much attention people pay to Kim Kardashian's ass, remember that there are also people out there that know how to land a spacecraft on a moving comet 317 million miles away.
The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in. The other half was Obama trying to get out.
A tiger has been seen running around Paris. Citizens were told to stay indoors and do whatever's necessary to protect the wine and cheese. They should leave home only to smoke and to judge others. When Parisians first heard about a giant predator on the loose, they assumed it was Gerard Depardieu.
According to a new report, Detroit, Michigan, is the most dangerous city in the country with Oakland, California, coming in second and the third most dangerous was somehow Detroit again.
This Date In History: 1851; Herman Melville's novel Moby Dick was published. 1889; Nellie Bly set out to beat Jules Verne's fictional Phileas Fogg's time of 80 days to travel around the world. She did it in 72. 1922; The British Broadcasting Corporation began its domestic radio service.
1969; Apollo 12, the second manned lunar expedition, was launched. 1995; The U.S. federal government began a partial shut down of government services after the U.S. Congress could not pass a budget.
2002; Nancy Pelosi of California became the first woman and the first idiot to lead a party in Congress. 2003; The most distant object ever found in our solar system, named Sedna, was discovered by astronomers at the Mount Palomar Observatory.
Picture Of The Day: Democrats ousted by the 2014 midterm elections prepare to return home.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For those waiting for me to go out of my mind, it may take longer as the exits are not clearly marked. 2) I hate it when my girlfriend asks me to hold her purse and it doesn't match what I'm wearing. 3) 600 shopping carts at Publix and I always pick the one with the front wheel that like to pirouette like a ballerina on speed. 4) I'm about ten pounds overweight and I know it's my own fault, but you'd be amazed how much "exercise" and "extra fries" sound alike. 5) I never was an Olympic athlete, but I did participate in a Toyotathon once.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 14th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. Do you really want to be drinking 8 glasses a day with that track record? If you pick yourself up by your shoe-strings today you are likely to fall flat on your ass. Test yourself today by walking around semi-nude, but remember that this will affect your chance of romance.
Birthdays: Robert Fulton, inventor, engineer, and painter 1765, Claude Monet, painter 1840, Jawaharlal Nehru, first Prime Minister of India 1889, Mamie Eisenhower, First Lady 1896, Aaron Copland, composer 1900, Astrid Lindgren writer 1907, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, ex-Secretary General of the U.N. 1922, McLean Stevenson, actor 1929, Wendy Carlos, composer and musician 1939, Charles, Prince of Wales, heir to the British throne 1948, Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of State 1954.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Roadway truck driver is driving east on Route 66 and he sees another truck driving west. The CB crackles to life and a voice "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest assholes in America?" The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother.
The Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke. Tell it to the next truck you see."
The Roadway driver goes for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says, "Hey trucker, do you know who the two biggest assholes in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."
A man and woman were having sexual problems and she asked him to see his doctor. The man said to his doctor, "I'm having trouble getting aroused."
The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"
The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "Did you talk it over with your wide?" The man nods is head. The doctor asks, "What did you decide?" The man says, "We're going to re-model the kitchen."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?" Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" Mary Louise replied, "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy.
Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for that teapot!"
The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.
Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are you carrying puppies in there?" Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, "Why yes, yes they are." She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away, I'll take the one with the brown nose!"
That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
I love exploring (don't go there) and I've been to various locations, including the Grand Canyon, carved by the Colorado River in the state of Arizona. But there are some parts of the Canyon that I have been unable to go that still beckon me. It is on my Bucket List.
The Canyon is contained within and managed by Grand Canyon National Park, the Hualapai Tribal Nation, the Havasupai Tribe and the Navajo Nation. President Theodore Roosevelt was a major proponent of preservation of the Grand Canyon area and visited it on numerous occasions to hunt and enjoy the scenery.
The Canyon is 277 miles long, up to 18 miles wide and attains a depth of over a mile. Nearly two billion years of Earth's geological history have been exposed as the Colorado River and its tributaries cut their channels through layer after layer of rock while the Colorado Plateau was uplifted.
Recent evidence suggests that the Colorado River established its course through the canyon at least 17 million years ago. Since that time, the Colorado River continued to erode and form the canyon to its present-day configuration.
For thousands of years, the area has been continuously inhabited by Native Americans who built settlements within the canyon and its many caves. The Pueblo people considered the Grand Canyon a holy site and made pilgrimages to it.
The first European known to have viewed the Grand Canyon was García López de Cárdenas from Spain, who arrived in 1540.
The News As I See It: Veteran's Day was yesterday, when we honor everyone who served in guarding and protecting America. We honor them with dignity and respect and, of course, mattress sales and tire discounts.
In New York City, you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game. You've got to be careful smoking weed though, because it causes memory loss. Also, it causes memory loss.
Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turned 40 this week. It's time for a Titanic prostate exam. Demi Moore also celebrated a birthday. Leonardo DiCaprio and Demi Moore are very different, of course. One was in love with Bruce Willis for many years and the other is Demi Moore.
Sesame Street turned 45 years old. If you are not familiar with it, Sesame Street is how we entertained our children before we could just hand them an iPhone.
A Florida man was arrested for wearing an Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note, he was reading from a teleprompter.
This Date In History: 1920; Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis was elected the first commissioner of baseball. 1927; Leon Trotsky was expelled from the Communist Party and Joseph Stalin became the ruler of the Soviet Union.
1942; The World War II battle of Guadalcanal begins. 1954; Ellis Island stopped serving as the chief immigration station for the United States. Twenty million immigrants went through Ellis Island in its 62 years of operation.
1970; A cyclone and tidal wave hit East Pakistan, killing over 200,000 people. 1981; The space shuttle Columbia was launched for the second time. It was the first time a space vehicle was used more than once.
1990; Akihito becomes emperor of Japan. 1997; Ramzi Yousef, the man behind the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, was convicted in New York.
Picture Of The Day: I love this picture of Horseshoe Bend in the Grand Canyon (Click on all pictures for a more panramic view).
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They want to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. I don't think that's a good idea. Do you really want to hear, "My dreams for the future include world peace and that my ex-husband gets run over by a bus." 2) My life has been a "rags to slightly better rags" story.
3) Mid-life is when you start pondering the "big" questions like...What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? 4) It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. That's why I stay home where it's a man-eat-chocolate world. 5) I almost got arrested at the mall yesterday. The cashier told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my debit card?.....and that's five !
|A closer view of Havashu Falls|
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 12th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, "A man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic table." I have no idea what that means, but it's in the stars.
Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. Drinking alcohol may help, as well. Try to wear the underwear with the really strong elastic if you go out tonight.
Birthdays: Auguste Rodin, sculptor 1840, Sun Yat-Sen, founder of modern China 1866, Harry Blackmun, Associate Justice 1908, Grace Kelly, actress, Princess of Monaco 1929, Neil Young, singer, songwriter, guitarist 1945, Nadia Comaneci, gymnast 1961, Sammy Sosa, baseball outfielder 1968, Ryan Gosling, actor 1980, Anne Hathaway, actress 1982.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook and an eyepatch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
The seaman replied, "Wow, what about your hook"? The pirate said, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals."
The seaman remarked, "Incredible! How did you get the eyepatch?" The pirate said, "A sea gull shit in my eye." The seaman said, "You lost your eye because of sea gull shit?" The pirate replied, "Well, no, it was my first day with the hook."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
She asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" I replied, "No, I don't do drugs, either!'" Then she asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
She continued, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, fishing, hiking or bicycling?" I said, "No, I don't."
She asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lot of sex?" I answered, " No." She looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even care?"
A flat chested young lady went to Doctor Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Doctor Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his crotch and said, "Hickory dickory dock....."
That's it for today, my little starlings. Remember, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions! Happy hour in AREA 51 is tonight's destination.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !