Friday, January 13, 2017

I Don"t Always CH CH CH AW AW AW

I'm not superstitious, but today is Friday the 13th. Don't press your luck if you go out tonight. I wouldn't trust your date if they're late because they were sharpening their machete. This is not a night to be naked. I feel secure at home, sitting safely in my bathroom, covered in peanut butter. This wards off evil spirits.

While the fear of Friday the 13th is often referred as Triskaidekaphobia (which is fear of the number 13), the correct word is Paraskevidekatriaphobia (Fear of Friday the 13th). I occasionally have Stultophobia, which is fear of stupid people who invent phobias. Stultophobia is also known as Dumbassophobia.

There are things you can do to avoid bad luck. For example, if a woman has excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal.....especially if you mention it to her. On Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper.

I'm not saying to stay at home and curl up under the bed, but I'm also not advocating that you walk in front of a Mack truck to test the theory either. To me, it's the little things to keep an eye on this evening.

For example, I wouldn't recommend arguing with a woman wearing a black hat tonight. It also occurs to me to avoid hanging out with any of my friends who might be named Jason. No, for the most part, I'm not superstitious but I don't push my luck, either. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton could run for mayor of New York City later this year. While Bill could run to be the next "Naked Cowboy" in Times Square.

On Twitter, porn actress Jenna Jameson bashed Meryl Streep for her Golden Globe speech. Wow, it’s going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together.

Music streaming app Spotify offered Obama a job as "President of Playlists." Funny, most ex-presidents get offered jobs as corporate lobbyists and they ask the black guy if he wants to be a DJ.

This Date In History: 1898; French writer Emile Zola published his "J'Accuse" letter, accusing the French of a cover-up in the Alfred Dreyfus treason case. 1941; Novelist James Joyce died in Zurich. 1990 Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the first elected African-American governor in the United States.

1999; Michael Jordan announced his second retirement from the NBA. He would "unretire" again in 2001. 2002; After 17,162 performances, The Fantasticks ended its almost 42-year off-Broadway run.

Picture Of The Day: My black cats, Samantha and Scooter, are glaring at me for posting this picture. Actually, Scooter is black and white. He's the mulatto in the family.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The argument between sex versus heart attack can be solved by dating a nurse.  2) Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster. 3) Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around millennials. 4) I think there should be a mandatory test at age 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.  5) I got a postcard from a blonde girlfriend of mine. It said, "I'm having a great time. Where am I?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 13th: Your task today is to keep these words in mind: Give a liberal a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a liberal to fish, he'll add to the global over-depletion of the oceans, then complain about global warming while he cashes his government check at the liquor store, so just give him the damned fish.

Birthdays: Jan van Goyen, landscape painter 1596, Salmon P. Chase, public official and jurist 1808, Horatio Alger, American writer 1832, Elmer Davis, radio commentator 1890, Gwen Verdon, dancer, actor 1925, Charles Nelson Reilly, actor, theater director 1931, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, actress 1961, Patrick Dempsey, actor 1966, Orlando Bloom, actor 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man picked up his sexy date at her parent's home. He had saved enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster and Dom Perignon champagne, the most expensive items on the menu.

He asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" She replied, "No, but my mother's not expecting sex tonight." He asked, "What would you like for dessert?"

A man goes into Barnes and Noble's book store and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "Yeah that's the one, I'll take a copy please.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my dear friend Linda for her contributions to today's stories.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit to allow you through the gateway to Heaven?"

The cowboy said, "Well, I can think of one thing. On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. He asked, "When did this happen?" The cowboy replied, "A couple of minutes ago."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes."

Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

That's it for today, my little peas. Remember, If you take the Ginko, you might be able to remember where you put the Viagra. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, January 6, 2017

Aging Is Like Trying To Keep A 1949 Ford Running

At what point in life does the body decide it's time to begin to thin your hair and change the color to grey? Seemingly, at the same time, it also decides to begin to grow hair out of every possible orifice on your face at a growth rate that's eerily alarming.

Whatever the reason, the body, for its own security, must feel that if the eyes open one day and see the person in the mirror with completely grey hair, it will signal the brain that surely someone is terribly wrong. So the body uses a slow but sure sneak attack.

It begins when you find that first grey hair, which to some degree, amuses you. Little by little, the body throws in another grey hair here, one there, thinning the hair on its merry way and the next thing you know, you hair is referred to as "salt and pepper."

Women, on the other hand, usually become somewhat hysterical at the sight of a grey hair, which accounts for the billions of dollars earned yearly by cosmetic companies.

Then, one day, you notice that your nose hair, which you normally groom weekly, now has a growth rate of about a half inch a day and oddly, hair now begins to grow out of your ears at the same rate. So, now you have parts of your head trying to grow through your thinning hair and the hair growth process has accelerated and moved to your nose and ears.

Thoughts of "Just For Men" begin to grow in your mind until one day, you go for the old "touch up". Now, for the first time in your life, you experience and live through the term "chemical burn" which abruptly ends the hair coloring plan. You suddenly begin to admire women who suffer through this process.

Finally, the body's "coup d'etat" is that one hair, expertly hidden by the body in a remote area that your eyes rarely see, which is roughly five inches long. Once found and cut, this "wild hair" now grows even more rampantly and the first real signs of life in "the home" begins to be a realization in your mind's eye. Trust me, I know. I've escaped three times.....

The News As I See It: If you want to go to the Super Bowl this year, it will cost you a lot of money, double what they were last year. The average asking price is obscene. Do people not know the game is on television this year?

A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. The sad part is after they sewed him up the second time the doctor was like wait, "where's my watch?" Amazingly, he rarely suffered any pain over those 18 years, but from time to time, he did get a bit snippy.

This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England married his 4th wife, Anne of Cleves. 1759; George Washington married Martha Custis. 1838; Samuel Morse gave the first public demonstration of the telegraph.

1912; New Mexico became the 47th state in the United States. 1919; Former president Theodore Roosevelt died in Oyster Bay, N.Y. 1987; University of California astronomers first witnessed the birth of a galaxy that contained 1 billion stars.

1994; Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan clubbed on leg by men including husband of rival skater Tonya Harding.

Picture Of The Day: I may be getting older, but I'm still proud to be an American.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'll bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave. 2) Kudos to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as everyone is giving up on New Year resolutions. 3) Even when I’m mad at my girlfriend, I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to like French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served.  5) At my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was, so I finally told them the dingo ate her.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 6th: Chew the cud with some friends today. Their inane chatter may amuse you. The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks a lot like your ex-mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Alexander Hamilton, statesman 1755, Ezra Cornell, financier 1807, Sir John Macdonald, statesman 1815, Alice Paul, activist 1885, Alan Paton, novelist 1903, Jean Chrétien, politician 1934, Mary J. Blige, singer, songwriter 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man answers, "It's okay. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old woman says, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes and finally asks him,"And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

A guy walked into a bar and after a couple of drinks, said to the bartender, "I’ve got this great Polish joke."

The bartender glared and warned him, "Before you go telling that joke, I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."

The guy replied, Okay, "I’ll tell it slowly."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude and Thelma, two old spinsters, are watching from the front porch swing across the street when Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. Once more, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

That's it for today, my little New Year's resolution breakers. Remember, a chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Sunday, January 1, 2017

Welcome 2017

Christmas was great. I hope everyone got what they wanted. Me? I got a sweater. I really wanted a moaner, but you can't always get what you want. I also got a new shirt and a piece of ass. Both were too big. Good riddance to 2016 and Obama. Welcome 2017 and better times! 

I didn't make any plans for New Year's Eve but every year I seem to find a way to celebrate the New Year. I usually try to stay close to home as all the amateur drinkers are on the road.

On top of that, most restaurants and bars raise their prices and I'm not in the mood to have my pocket picked for a glass of bad champagne, a hat and a noise maker.

Dilema solved. I woke up from my nap at 12:10 am.

For many people, the highlight of New Year's Eve is watching the ball drop in Times Square. Big deal. I've seen lots of balls drop this year. I watched all of the Miami Dolphins' games.

But if you've never had the pleasure of being out on New Year's Eve, I guess you have to try it once or twice, It's where auld acquaintance be forgot, unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

New Year's Eve is amateur night for those unaccustomed to drink. This, of course, means you have to limit your normal consumption so your defensive driving is at it's best.

Nevertheless. I wish all of my family, friends and readers a safe and very Happy New Year. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

The News As I See It: Why would anyone who doesn’t drink want to go out on New Year’s Eve? Not only do you pay outrageous prices to be around a bunch of drunks, but the next morning you actually remember it!

One year, we did it Mom and Dad's way on New Year's Eve. We broke open a package of Doritos, flipped on the TV and watched Paul Anka's hair fall out. Hey, it's better than watching that sissy Anderson Cooper and the ever sleazy Cathy Griffin.

I used to love New Year's Eve in the old days. One year, I went to Houston and we bet the rest of the guacamole dip on whether Mickey Gilley would fall off the piano stool.

I set a new record in 2016. I will start the new year as the proud owner of 17 odd socks.

This Date In History: 1853; The United States bought some 45,000 sq mi of land from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase. 1911; Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China. 1922;

The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was established through the confederation of Russia, Byelorussia, Ukraine, and Transcaucasian Federation. 1940; California's first freeway opened.

1972; President Nixon halted the heavy bombing on North Vietnam. 1993; Israel and the Vatican signed an agreement of mutual recognition to put an end to Jewish-Christian hostilities.

Picture Of The Day: And a Happy New Year to you, as well, little man....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Xanax - Keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981. 2) The way I deal with unexpected cobwebs to the face tells me why I am not of much use in bar fight. 3) Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into the conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means. 4) As my car spun uncontrollably close to a crowd, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit the Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !" 5) Call me crazy but "dropping the ball" does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 30th: Love comes when you least expect it. Every day is a winding road, they say. This is especially true today when you find a woman walking down a winding road with you.

Birthdays: John Milne, seismologist 1850, Rudyard Kipling, British Author 1865, Alfred E. Smith, political leader 1873, Paul Bowles, writer and composer 1910, Jack Lord, actor 1920, Bo Diddley, singer, guitarist and songwriter 1928, Sandy Koufax, baseball player 1935, Jeff Lynne, singer, songwriter and music producer 1947, Tracey Ullman, comedian, actress and singer 1959, Bennett Miller, filmmaker 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The flood of Democrats crossing the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the immigration. Canadian citizens have complained that the liberals are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

An Ottawa resident said, "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. One of them even asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. I mean how many Art, History and English majors does one country need?"

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. It was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Murray was in no shape to drive on New Year's Eve, so he sensibly left his car in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman, who inquired, "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?"

Murray answered, "I'm on my way to a lecture." The cop asked, "Who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" Murray slurred grimly, "My wife."

Rachel was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"

Max, smiling broadly, answered, "You'll know at midnight, my love."

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Rachel and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams."

Max never heard the shot.....

That's it for today, my little tipplers. Remember, they say all of this started because Eve ate an apple. Clearly, the book was altered. Everyone knows it had to be chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, December 23, 2016

Let's Be Naughty And Spare Santa The Trip

Tomorrow, Santa begins his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his naughty and nice list, so I won't be one of his stops. But there's still hope for you, my little sleigh belles. If he doesn't stop by your house either, he didn't hear anything from me.

I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Younger men traditionally make the error of a hasty, last minute purchase but soon catch on after a few years seeing "that look" in her eyes when she opens her gift. It is a look that is never forgotten over the duration of their relationship.

Smart, more experienced women have already learned how to get the gift they really want. They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location and a picture and pertinent details of the present along with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what she wants.

Men's wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice. Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox.

Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.

So that's the basic plan for today and tomorrow. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!

Most of the neighborhood Latins will celebrate Noche Buena tomorrow. There will be parties and they smell of roasted pork will waffle in the air. Unfortunately, my nearest neighbor also has a karaoke machine with an apparently broken volume control.

I happen to enjoy Latin music but evidently the majority of my neighbor's guests have never heard themselves sing before as not one of the group could be considered a singer, unless you're referring to a sewing machine.

As the evening progresses, the drinks will begin to take their effect and the volume rises. At one point, a woman with a very loud voice will hijack the microphone and began quasi-rambling to music, ad nauseum.

I have never seen the woman, but using my years of experience going to the annual Calle Ocho festival, I mentally visualize her wearing bulging skin tight orange pants, a leopard blouse and too much make-up. That sounds like a double scotch, double bagger, but that's just me......

The News As I See It: According to a recent study, Pokémon go players have collectively walked 5.7 billion miles while using the app. They've walked everywhere except into a job interview.

Amazon's home assistance device, "The echo," is already sold out until after the holidays. In the meantime, if you want to yell at something to turn off the lights or music in your house, just try your kids.

Walmart will close two hours earlier this year on Christmas Eve, at 6:00. Yeah, but the meth lab in the bathroom will stay open until 9:00.

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia.

1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.

1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley.

1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed. 1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.

Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas everyone !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was born, I was given a choice - to be well hung or have a good memory. I can't remember what I chose. 2) All my life, I never thought I'd wake up at 6 am to go jogging...and I was right. 3) You know you were drunk on Christmas Eve when you realize you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees. 4) It came to my attention one weekend night when I had been drinking that I would really appreciate a light switch on the floor. 5) Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo. Here's one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 23rd: Don't regret your past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.

Birthdays: Richard Arkwright, inventor 1732, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, James Duke, industrialist 1856, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Yousuf Karsh, photographer 1908, Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actress 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man woke up with a bad hangover after a long evening of partying. As his girlfriend was coming out of the bathroom, she asked him how he was feeling. He replied, "Well, I think I'll be ok. Did you enjoy last night?"

She replied sarcastically, "Well, if you consider having your boyfriend fall asleep during reciprocation as fun, what do you think?" The boyfriend answered dejectedly, "Well, I guess that explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln."

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" The man said, "No matter, observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" The Bishop sadly replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, "We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there."

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish."

So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull.

The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step. The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, smart ass....Show him your card!"

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off, saying, "No, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses. A few months later while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him said, "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?" Jesus said, "Certainly, Jesus and Finkelstein it is."

Finkelstein replied, "Oh no. Finkelstein and Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." Jesus said, "I understand, Mr. Finkelstein, but I am the son of God."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. They finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

That's it for today, my little Christmas elves. Remember, money may not buy you happiness, but poverty won’t buy you shit. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Merry Christmas!

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Friday, December 16, 2016

Santa Claus And The Sears Catalog

When I was small, in the weeks before Santa came, my brother Kirt, sister Jeanne and I would thumb through the Sears Catalog, a virtual encyclopedia of toys and games mixed in with a lot of useless items like refrigerators, stoves, school clothing and the like.

It was like a game where on each page we would take turns having first, second and third picks. Once every page had been scavenged and signed, we would turn the catalog over to Mom and Dad, who would ostensibly submit our choices to Santa. As the days to Christmas grew closer, we would discuss which toy we would play with first.

As Christmas Eve arrived, I vaguely remember Mom and Dad having clandestine meetings behind the car. During their conversation, they would mysteriously open and close the trunk many times (keep in mind, the trunk of a 1954 Buick could and has held several bodies, or didn't you ever go to a drive-in movie).

When we finally were prepared for bed (not sleep), we were instructed not to leave the room, because we might scare Santa away. We could hear the side door open and shut many times, and every time we heard the door, we knew it must be Santa. Somewhere during that night of anticipation, we made a pact that the first one up would wake the others. Finally, the Sandman arrived to do his work and we drifted off.

The next morning (about 5:30-6:00), we awoke and rushed into the living room to see what Santa had brought. As a courtesy to Mom and Dad, we woke them also and both were just flat-ass overjoyed to hear the news.

I pointed out to Mom and Dad that, although it was ok with me, Santa had drank some of Mom's wine and about four or five of Dad's beers and left them strewn about the house. Mom just smiled and said, "It's ok, son, Dad just left them so Santa would have something to drink with his cookies."

I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary Clinton. They all hang together, half of them don't work and those that do, aren't all that bright.

The News As I See It: The Democratic National Committee was actually hacked because one of its directors clicked on a fake email to change his password, which gave Russia access to his account. Hillary said, "I can’t believe you’d be so careless with your email...!"

Apple said its new "AirPod" wireless earbuds WOULD be available, after reports that they wouldn’t be ready for the holidays. When asked what happened, Apple said, "We finally found them behind the couch cushions."

After two seasons, Netflix has canceled its series "Marco Polo." They ended it the way everyone does — by getting out of the pool and not telling the other person.

A flight attendant has plead guilty to smuggling 60 pounds of cocaine in her carry-on bag. People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours.

This Date In History: 1653; Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland. 1773; The Boston Tea Party took place. 1916; Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators.

1920; One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people. 1944; The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium.

1990; Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections. 2000; Colin Powell was selected to become the first African-American secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: The mental image of Santa and his reindeer kept most kids awake on Christmas Eve.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a Christmas email from my Nigerian friend who is going to share his bank account money with me. He asked me if I sent the check of good faith. I told him the check's in the mail. That's one of the two lies that have been useful for me in the past. 2) At the watering hole last week, a 28 year-old girl just told me she's gonna rock my world. At my age, I assume she's gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes and soft bagels. 3) According to a new report, the cost of all the gifts listed in "The Twelve Days of Christmas" song is up $233 from last year. Man, that Lords a Leaping union is killing us. 4) Social Security Sex is when you get a little each month, but not enough to live on. 5) I was getting amorous with one of my lady friends and just as the moment drew near, she said, "Please practice safe sex". So, I locked the truck door.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - Decmber 16th: Feel free to share your inner-most secrets with your family and friends. They will adore you for your honesty and may only exclude you from everything they say or do for the next year or two. Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the smaller ones.

Birthdays: Ludwig van Beethoven, German Composer 1770, Jane Austen novelist 1775, George Santayana philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály composer 1882, Noel Coward playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke science fiction writer 1917, Philip K. Dick writer 1928, Benjamin Bratt actor 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the couple were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected...

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

That's it for today, my little mistletoes. Remember, there's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More soon.

Stay Tuned !