Monday, November 24, 2014

Today's Films - From Theater To Cable Within A Week

I don't go to movies, mainly because of the constantly poor selection of films, idiots who talk to the screen and the never ending ringing of cell phones. Truth be told, I haven't enjoyed theaters since I was a kid.

Few movies today are quality films and with the advent of new technologies, all movie makers do is throw in nudity, a few car chases and crashes, explosions and a zombie or two, and voila, there's your film. Add to the mix the overpriced garbage food, long lines and poorly lit parking areas and you have complete insanity.

Back in the day, many films were good mainly because of good scripts and actors. Any added special effects were of such poor quality that they actually detracted from the story line. The Japanese Godzilla movies, which were so poorly dubbed in English that they were comedic, are a prime example.

Although prices were always high for theater food, the movie going experience was pleasant. As kids, we could ride our bikes to the theater, leave them unlocked and return to find them still where we left them. The theaters were clean and the ushers were stern about talking and noise.

We could literally spend an entire Saturday at the theaters, complete with cartoons, Movie-Tone News, the weekly serial and the featured film. With only one theater within biking distance, we rarely looked in the newspaper to see what was playing. Much to my chagrin, that's how I saw the musicals "Carousel" and "Oklahoma".

With the advent of HBO and other cable programs, most movies are available within a year and for those in a hurry, pay-per-view or Netflix show most films within a month. Moreover, the comfort of one's own home, a recliner and reasonably priced food make the movie experience quite relaxing. For my money and patience, that's the only way to fly.....

The News As I See It: JetBlue is reducing leg room by 1.5 inches. Know why? Because so many passengers on JetBlue look around and say, it's so roomy in here! I feel so uncomfortable with all this space!

There will be no Kardashian family Christmas card this year because they couldn't decide on an appropriate photo. Uh, when did the word "appropriate" ever have anything to do with the Kardashians?

Vice President Joe Biden had a birthday last week. Biden started the day with a dance party and a big piece of cake and then he remembered it was his birthday.

Watching "Our Gang" (or the "Little Rascals") was one of my favorite film shorts.

This Date In History: 1642; Abel Tasman discovered Van Diemen's land, later renamed Tasmania. 1859 Darwin's Origin of Species was published. 1871; The National Rifle Association was incorporated.

1963; Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald, JFK's accused assassin, in the garage of Dallas police headquarters. 1971; D. B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Airlines flight with $200,000.

Picture Of The Day: The first three dimension film I saw was "The Creature From The Black Lagoon."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it. 2) Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 3) If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you better hurry up. 4) I've never been skydiving, but once I zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast. 5) I sure will be happy when scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes..... and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius - November 24th: Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. The chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch are so remote so you might as well go home and eat ice cream until you get brain freeze. Remember, you can't become a pilot without a good altitude.

Birthdays: Baruch Spinoza, philosopher 1632, Junípero Serra, missionary 1713, Aleksandr Suvorov, field marshal 1729, Zachary Taylor, 12th President of the United States 1784, Frances Hodgson Burnett, author 1849, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, painter and lithographer 1864, Scott Joplin, American ragtime pianist and composer 1868, Simon van der Meer, physical engineer 1925, William F. Buckley Jr., journalist and writer 1925.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held and, at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, her husband cries out, "Watch out for that damned wall!"

 After setting out an elaborate dinner for two, the bellboy asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" The man replied, "No, thank you. That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. The bellboy asked. "Would you like anything for your wife?" The man replied, "Yeah, that's a good idea. Bring me up a postcard."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?" Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

One of the other golfers said, "Oh my God, that must have been horrible!" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

An old man was asked by his wife to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the farmer's market and looked around but couldn't find any.

He grabbed an old employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at him and said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, when things are looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 21, 2014

Navin R. Johnson Is Alive and Well

The movie "The Jerk", begins with Navin R. Johnson (Steve Martin), a befuddled homeless simpleton, directly addressing the camera and telling his story. He is the adopted white son of black sharecroppers, who grows to adulthood naïvely unaware of his obvious adoption.

He stands out in his family not just because of his skin color, but also because of his utter lack of rhythm when his adopted family plays spirited blues music. One night, he hears the staid and starchy Roger Wolfe Kahn Orchestra song called "Crazy Rhythm" on the radio and his feet spontaneously begin to move with the urge to dance.

He sees this as a calling and decides to hitchhike to St. Louis, from where the song was broadcast. On the way, he stops at a motel, where a dog wakes him up by barking at his door. Navin thinks the dog is trying to warn of a fire and decides to name the dog "Lifesaver."

He wakes up the other hotel guests to rescue them, but when everyone realizes it was a false alarm, one of the guests angrily suggests he call the dog "Shithead," which Navin takes literally. He inspires a salesman to invent special glasses and eventually meets and marries a woman named Marie (Bernadette Peters).

The movie is a subtle, tongue-in-cheek comedy and is basically a "rags to riches to rags" story and Navin ends up broke. Navin is now alone and poor, living on the streets. His story now told, he resigns himself to a life of misery and memories without Marie. But to his joy and amazement, she suddenly appears, along with Navin's family, to take him home.

There's more good news: Having carefully invested the small sums of money he sent home throughout the film, his family have become wealthy themselves. They pick him up off the street, and he and Marie move back home into the Johnson's new house — a much larger but identical version of their old, small shack.

The story ends with the entire family dancing on the porch and singing "Pick a Bale of Cotton", with Navin dancing along, now having gained perfect rhythm.

I can relate to this story because there is a part in the movie where Navin becomes very excited when the new phone books arrive because his name is in it. This amused me at the time but I realized this very week that I look forward to Thursdays, when Publix Supermarket prints their new weekly ad.

Moreover, I'm relatively sure that I may have dated a woman strikingly similar to the intimidating daredevil biker chick named Patty Bernstein (Catlin Adams) with whom Nathan had a sexual relationship with, finally realizing what his "special purpose" was for. Fortunately, Johnnie Walker Black clouds my mind.

I guess there's a bit of Navin R. Johnson in all of us.

The News As I See It: Obama gave a speech on immigration last night and none of the big four TV networks aired it. Even television wants to distance itself from Obama now.

Fifty percent of the nation is covered in snow. Record low temperatures, a very cold autumn so far. But on the bright side, you're one good ice storm away from getting out of Thanksgiving with the in-laws.

Google has developed image-recognition software that can accurately capture what’s happening in a photo. But it still has some bugs. It described Kim Kardashian's recent photo as "Woman being chased by two Butterball turkeys."

Larry King and Jodie Foster both celebrated birthdays this week. birthday. King and Foster are very different, of course. One is a grizzled showbiz veteran who's bedded hundreds of women and the other one is Larry King.

This week was also the holiday known as National Day of Monaco. Monaco is independent, but they're defended by France. In other words, they're on their own.

I don't know if you know this but Hitler was a painter and one of his watercolor paintings is being auctioned off. It's expected to sell for over $60,000. So if you're looking for a wedding gift for Charles Manson....

Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

This Date In History:1783; With the Marquis d'Arlandes, Pilâtre de Rozier made the first free flight in a balloon, reaching a peak altitude of about 3,000 ft and traveling about 5 1/2 mi in 20 min. 1789; North Carolina became the 12th state.

1922; Georgia's Rebecca Felton was sworn into the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman U.S. Senator. 1934; Cole Porter's musical Anything Goes opened in New York City. 1969; For the first time since 1930, the U.S. Senate rejected a Supreme Court nominee, Clement Haynsworth.

1973; The 18 1/2 min gap in the Richard Nixon Watergate tapes was revealed. 1991; Egypt's Boutros Boutros-Ghali was chosen to become secretary-general by the UN Security Council.

Picture Of The Day: Navin R. Johnson and his adopted family.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've been holding my stomach in for about 3 years now, so don't talk to me about dedication. 2) I put peanut butter on both sides of my toast so that if the toast falls, I won't be disappointed. 3) She said that she was dying to have sex in the worst way, so I did her standing up in a hammock. 4) Two eyebrows are better than one. 5) I don't my burn bridges but I loosen the bolts a little each day.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - November 21st: Don't trust little birdies, most of them tell lies. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.

Birthdays: My sweet pal Tamara - Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Voltaire, French Philosopher and Author whose name was François Marie Arouet de Voltaire 1694, Rene Magritte, painter 1898, Coleman Hawkins, jazz musician 1904, Stan Musial, baseball player 1920 Goldie Hawn, actress 1945, Beryl Bainbridge, writer 1953, Tina Brown, magazine publisher 1953, Björk singer, songwriter 1965, Troy Aikman, football player, TV commentator 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One day a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" The golfer replied, "It's John, and I'm ok, thanks."

Elizabeth said, "John forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you turn the golf cart back over later." John answered, "That's mighty nice of you, but I don't think my wife would like it." "Elizabeth was very pretty and persuasive. She said, "Oh, come on!" John finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some "driving and putting" lessons, John thanked his hostess and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." Elizabeth said with a smile, "Don't be silly! She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" John said, "Under the golf cart!"

Mendel Rosenblatt was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. Mendel asked the doctor, "How can I get human milk?" The doctor said, "Well, Ethel Goldstein just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ethel's house for his daily feed. Ethel was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.

One day as he quietly lay suckling, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rosenblatt, do you like it?" Mendel sighed, "Mmmm, wonderful." Ethel, her lips parted and eyes aglow, said hesitantly, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

Mendel replied, "As a matter of fact there is," Ruby asked breathlessly, "What?" Mendel licked his lips and said, "Maybe a biscuit?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting."

He continued, "Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?" His wife replied, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today, my little cupcakes. Remember, the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. Stick a fork in me, I'm done and heading for AREA 51.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Some Days Eye Just Don't Know

I am a night owl. I hate to get up early which is one of the reasons I own my company. Moreover, I hate any appointment that starts at 9 am. The only thing that could make things worse is a 9 am doctor's appointment. Et voila, le pièce de résistance.

I embarked on my 20 mile trek at the crack of 8:30, thus assuring a race against time for an appointment at which I knew that I would not be called until 9:45, unless I was late.

Unfortunately, the weather gods amused themselves by lowering the temperature down to a blustery 55 degrees, complemented by a cold, wet, brisk northern wind. Did I mention it was raining?

Joining the fun, my car heater decided to take fifteen minutes to get to a temperature which my teeth didn't chatter. Naturally, in my haste to get on the road, I was dressed only in a thin, long sleeved shirt which the wind blew through like a knife through butter.

The appointment was with an eye specialist or, quite frankly, I would have blown the whole thing off. The good news was that things went well. The bad news was that I drove home under the same conditions with the added burden of dilated eyes.

It could have been worse, I guess.....

The News As I See It: Miami Marlins outfielder Giancarlo Stanton has signed the biggest contract in American sports history, worth $325 million over 13 years. This is the first time a team's owner has been tested for drugs. What could possibly go A-Rod?

A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?

Last week, a Florida woman and her 20-year-old daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital. I guess there’s nothing like giving birth to take the edge off becoming a grandma.

It's rumored that Kim Kardashian may buy a private island near Australia. Because if there's one thing she can't live without, it's her privacy.

Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry his 26-year-old girlfriend, who calls herself "Star." There you go, folks, another eHarmony success story.

This Date In History: 1703; A masked man held prisoner in the Bastille in Paris died. His true identity was the cause of much intrigue, and his story became the basis of literary works by François Voltaire and Alexandre Dumas.

1794; John Jay and Lord Grenville signed Jay's Treaty. 1863; Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address at the dedication of the national cemetery on the Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

1977; Egyptian president Anwar Sadat became the first Arab leader to visit Israel. 1985; Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev met for the first time in Geneva. 1990; Milli Vanilli's Grammy award was rescinded after it was discovered they didn't do their own singing.

Picture Of The Day: Fiery-eyed beauty.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. 2) Some circumstantial evidence is compelling, like finding a trout in your milk. 3) The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. 4) In order to fly on an airplane, I must be filled up with Johnny Walker Black at the same time as the airplane is filled with aviation fuel. 5) A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - November 19th: Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" when there is not a treeful nearby may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. Try to avoid reading dusty old books that call themselves "tomes." Chance of romance is 35.91 percent.

Birthdays: James A. Garfield 20th American President 1831, Billy Sunday evangelist 1862, Indira Gandhi political leader 1917, Larry King TV personality 1933, Yuan T. Lee chemist 1936, Ted Turner business executive 1938, Calvin Klein fashion designer 1942, Eileen Collins astronaut 1956, Allison Janney actor 1960, Meg Ryan actress 1961, Jodie Foster actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde went the library and stepped up to the desk. She said to the desk clerk, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke." The desk clerk said, "Shhh...this is a library."

The blonde said, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." Then, the blonde leaned over close to the desk clerk and whispered, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke."

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll go you one better. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink.

The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

With that, the host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"

 A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff.

Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde replies, "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

That's it for today, my little jitterbugs. Remember, women like silent men; they think they're listening. I;m off to AREA 51 - See you there!

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, November 17, 2014

Harvick Wins Nascar Sprint Cup Championship

Congratulations to Kevin Harvick for winning the Nascar Sprint Cup Championship at Miami-Homested Homestead, winning the final race of the year, as well. Ryan Newman, who everyone seemed to write off as a contender to win, finished 2nd in the championship edging out Denny Hamlin, who finished third in the championship..

Joey Logano, who was running in the front pack with the other contenders had a jack slip on one of the final pit stops and never recovered.

All things considered, it was a good race and now begins the countdown to the 2015 Daytona 500 in February.

The Gruber- Obama controversy and lies continue: During a press conference at the closing of the G-20 summit in Australia, Fox News White House correspondent Ed Henry asked President Obama to comment on the firestorm created by ObamaCare architect Jonathan Gruber.

Obama: "The fact that some adviser [Jonathon Gruber} who was never on our staff expressed an opinion that I completely disagree with in terms of the voters is not a reflection on the actual process that was run.”

Really? Gruber was not only paid $92,000 by HHS to build an ObamaCare simulation model, he was later signed to an eight-month contract for an additional $297,000, bringing his total take from the administration to nearly $400,000. Oh, and Obama mentioned Gruber by name in 2008 (on video). Sure you don't know him, Barry.

White House logs show that Gruber met in the Oval Office with Obama, senior advisor David Axelrod and CBO Director Douglas Elmendorf. According to Gruber, Obama was concerned with the politics of passing ObamaCare.

Nancy Pelosi claimed last week that she had never heard of Gruber; she praised the MIT economist in 2009 for his work on ObamaCare. Of course, what makes Gruber’s comments even more damning to the Obama administration is the fact that they’ve been borne out. There was no transparency.

After all, Nancy Pelosi infamously told us: "We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it."

Obama did mislead the public with his 2013 Lie of the Year: "If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan."

Obama did tell us that the average healthcare premium would decrease by $2,500; it increased by more than $3,000, with additional increases coming in 2015.

Yet, Obama now tries to simply dismiss Gruber as "some adviser who never worked on our staff." Unbelievable! Then again, not.

And Obama wonders why a majority of Americans no longer trust or believe anything he says.

The News As I See It: After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote next week to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. They're hoping the pipeline will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian's ass in her next photo shoot.

The pipeline would run from Canada to the Gulf Coast. It'll be the biggest underground structure leading into the U.S. Then people in Mexico said, "Eh.....second biggest."

It was thought that New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.

This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time. 1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt.

1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France. 1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl". NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets.

1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook." 1989; The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia. 2003; Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor of California.

Picture Of The Day: The 2014 Nascar Champion Kevin Harvick as he exits his race car in the Miami Homestead Speedway Infield.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke. 2) You know you're getting old when you have to turn your music down to park your car. 3) Hey Google, how about letting me type more than three letters in my search before you start trying to confuse me with suggestions. 4) I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. 5) And on that dark and fateful day, I boldly said to my Mom, "Okay, then when will you have time for my shenanigans?".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - November 17th: Bread, lightly cooked, buttered. Today's horoscope is sponsored by Toast. All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and some theft. Long walks, cold showers and playing with puppies will help alleviate the lack of romance in your life this week.

Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner, physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny De Vito, actor, director, producer 1944, Lorne Michaels, TV producer 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything - noise, spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all of mine and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest dog in the kennel and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. The buyer said, "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," The owner replied, "He's not bad, but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. The buyer said, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." The owner said, "Well, no, I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you."

The buyer was flabbergasted. He said, "You're joking! This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!" The owner said, "I know, I know, but he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice and you were so rude." George replied, "Harriet, she's a prostitute." Harriet said, "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" George said, "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for "Bambi" to come to room 1217. George said, "Now, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" Bambi said, "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. He said, "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must be a real hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." George said, "Well, I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, if a man says he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 14, 2014

ObamaCare: Arrogance, Deception and Lies

Thou shalt not lie. Especially when thou messeth with one-sixth of the U.S. economy and especially when thou art assuring Americans that thy bill won't kill their health insurance policies. Because when thou gets snared in thy intentional deceptions, thy payeth hell.

Democrats in Congress and their allies sold ObamaCare. We know this because arrogant MIT economist Jonathan Gruber, a key architect of the act, repeatedly gloated — in video-recorded appearances — that the sponsors lied.

One passage from an October 2013 conference at the University of Pennsylvania: "lack of transparency is a huge political advantage and basically, you know, call it 'the stupidity of the American voter or whatever', but basically, that was really, really critical to getting this thing (ObamaCare) to pass."

The Wall Street Journal later reported that Obama's advisers knew he was making a promise he couldn't keep, and they debated whether he should "explain the nuances of the succinct line in his stump speeches."

Instead, three months after Obama signed the ACA in March 2010, the administration acknowledged on page 34,552 of the Federal Register its midrange estimate that "66 percent of small employer plans and 45 percent of large employer plans" couldn't survive ObamaCare. Last autumn's wave of canceled individual policies further debunked the If-you-like promise that, to their eternal chagrin, hundreds of campaigning Democrats repeated to voters.

Nancy Pelosi in a 2009 press conference, praised Jonathon Gruber's work on Obamacare.

Defenders of Obamacare dismiss these revelations with three breezy retorts: "We all knew how the law really would work." (No) "You gotta do what you gotta do." (No) And "This Gruber, he's a nobody." This third excuse basked in absurdity Thursday: Nancy Pelosi dismissively said she didn't know who Gruber is and that he didn't help write the ACA, so, "Let's put him aside."

Turns out that Pelosi issued a 2009 news release touting "noted MIT health care economist Jonathan Gruber" whose modeling predicted "lower premiums than under current law for the millions of Americans using the newly-established Health Insurance Exchange." Oh, and Pelosi also had discussed Gruber at a news conference.

Although the mainstream media as a whole (with few exceptions) is covering up the damning video of ObamaCare architect Jonathan Gruber openly discussing all the lies and deceit surrounding passage of Obama's signature domestic achievement, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi forced the Washington Post's hand on the matter Thursday when she was caught lying about not knowing Gruber.

Pelosi told reporters Thursday, "I don't know who [Gruber] is. He didn't help write our bill." The only problem with that claim is the Post's discovery that in November of 2009, Pelosi gushed over Gruber by name.

The question is not whether or not Obamacare is good for America. The question is should we allow politicians and their accomplices to knowingly lie to and deceive the American public without consequences. 

"We have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it" — Then-U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Obamacare, March 9, 2010. Nancy Pelosi says she doesn't know him? Googling her, says she does, complete with video.

There you have it, my friends. Lies, deception and arrogance from Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Jonathon Gruber. And they wonder why they were overwhelmingly defeated and ousted in the 2014 midterm elections. Is this a great country or what?

Author's Note: Today's post is partially comprised of excerpts from The Chicago Tribune (November 13, 2014).

The Nascar Championship will be held this weekend at Miami-Homestead Speedway. The championship will be decided between the four finalists; Denny Hamlin, Joey Logano, Kevin Harvick and Ryan Newman.

Jeff Gordon won the pole position for Sunday's race with Championship drivers Kevin Harvick starting 5th, Denny Hamlin starting 8th, Joey Logano starting 9th and Ryan Newman qualifying in the 21st position. Methinks the race will be a barn-burner and should fun to watch.

The race starts at 3 pm (EST) and will be televised on ESPN.

The News As I See It: The Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse?

It's rumored that Obama is planning to announce a new 10-part immigration plan before Thanksgiving. And you thought your family wouldn't have anything to argue about this year.

The New York doctor who caught Ebola and proceeded to gad about town endangering the public, has been declared Ebola free. Obama called the doctor to thank him for his selflessness and compassion. Then to be safe, Obama threw his phone in a trash can and lit it on fire.

People in China criticized Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They're saying he looked like a rapper. Hey, lose the suit and give him a joint....? I agree.

The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet 317 million miles from Earth. When you get discouraged by how much attention people pay to Kim Kardashian's ass, remember that there are also people out there that know how to land a spacecraft on a moving comet 317 million miles away.

The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in. The other half was Obama trying to get out.

A tiger has been seen running around Paris. Citizens were told to stay indoors and do whatever's necessary to protect the wine and cheese. They should leave home only to smoke and to judge others. When Parisians first heard about a giant predator on the loose, they assumed it was Gerard Depardieu.

According to a new report, Detroit, Michigan, is the most dangerous city in the country with Oakland, California, coming in second and the third most dangerous was somehow Detroit again.

This Date In History: 1851; Herman Melville's novel Moby Dick was published. 1889; Nellie Bly set out to beat Jules Verne's fictional Phileas Fogg's time of 80 days to travel around the world. She did it in 72. 1922; The British Broadcasting Corporation began its domestic radio service.

1969; Apollo 12, the second manned lunar expedition, was launched. 1995; The U.S. federal government began a partial shut down of government services after the U.S. Congress could not pass a budget.

2002; Nancy Pelosi of California became the first woman and the first idiot to lead a party in Congress. 2003; The most distant object ever found in our solar system, named Sedna, was discovered by astronomers at the Mount Palomar Observatory.

Picture Of The Day: Democrats ousted by the 2014 midterm elections prepare to return home.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For those waiting for me to go out of my mind, it may take longer as the exits are not clearly marked. 2) I hate it when my girlfriend asks me to hold her purse and it doesn't match what I'm wearing. 3) 600 shopping carts at Publix and I always pick the one with the front wheel that like to pirouette like a ballerina on speed. 4) I'm about ten pounds overweight and I know it's my own fault, but you'd be amazed how much "exercise" and "extra fries" sound alike. 5) I never was an Olympic athlete, but I did participate in a Toyotathon once.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - November 14th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. Do you really want to be drinking 8 glasses a day with that track record? If you pick yourself up by your shoe-strings today you are likely to fall flat on your ass. Test yourself today by walking around semi-nude, but remember that this will affect your chance of romance.

Birthdays: Robert Fulton, inventor, engineer, and painter 1765, Claude Monet, painter 1840, Jawaharlal Nehru, first Prime Minister of India 1889, Mamie Eisenhower, First Lady 1896, Aaron Copland, composer 1900, Astrid Lindgren writer 1907, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, ex-Secretary General of the U.N. 1922, McLean Stevenson, actor 1929, Wendy Carlos, composer and musician 1939, Charles, Prince of Wales, heir to the British throne 1948, Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of State 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Roadway truck driver is driving east on Route 66 and he sees another truck driving west. The CB crackles to life and a voice "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest assholes in America?" The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother.

The Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke. Tell it to the next truck you see."

The Roadway driver goes for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says, "Hey trucker, do you know who the two biggest assholes in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."

A man and woman were having sexual problems and she asked him to see his doctor. The man said to his doctor, "I'm having trouble getting aroused."

The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "Did you talk it over with your wide?" The man nods is head. The doctor asks, "What did you decide?" The man says, "We're going to re-model the kitchen."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?" Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" Mary Louise replied, "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy.

Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for that teapot!"

The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are you carrying puppies in there?" Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, "Why yes, yes they are." She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away, I'll take the one with the brown nose!"

That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !