Wednesday, July 20, 2016

What Politician Hasn't Plagiarized?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal them from many is research. If we were to dump every politician who has ever plagiarized something, we'd have no president or congress. Obama and everyone else has been caught plagiarizing.

Moreover, there aren't many ways to comment on something, thus most of us are guilty of the same thing. That is, of course, except for myself. I have been utilizing my mind only for well over four score and seven years ago.

As I prepare my journal each week, I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally, I actually come up with one myself. But to quote T.S. Eliot, from The Sacred Wood, "Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal."

So there you have it my little copykatz, it seems we're all capable of this minor peccadillo. So, let your conscience be your guide   (Drat!)

The News As I See It: Hillary campaigned in Las Vegas this week, which is strange, because when she usually gambles, it involves national security.

The New York Times says that Hillary has a 76 percent chance of winning the election. Hillary says she's excited by the news and can’t wait to find a new way to blow it.

After the Bush family announced that they will not attend this week's Republican National Convention, Newt Gingrich this morning told interviewers that he believes the Bushes are behaving childishly. When reached for comment, Jeb hid behind his mom's leg.

A new poll has Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump virtually tied, with Clinton leading Trump 46 percent to 45 percent. It's the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman his own age.

Bernie Sanders is scheduled speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Leave it to Bernie to grab the early bird special.

This Date In History: 1810; Colombia declared independence from Spain. 1881; Fugitive Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull surrendered to federal troops. 1951; King Abdullah I of Jordan was assassinated.

1960; Sirima Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka (then Ceylon) became the world's first woman prime minister. 1969; Astronaut Neil A. Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon.

1985; Treasure hunters found the Spanish galleon Nuestra Senora de Atocha, which sank off the coast of Key West, Florida, in 1622; during a hurricane. The ship contained over $400 million in coins and silver ingots.

Picture Of The Day: In my day, we copied from the encyclopedia.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a tattoo on her ass is now an endangered species. 2) Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies, of course. 3) Sex Education should require people to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours,and watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again. 4) Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.  5) I like to make shopping lists, leave them laying on the kitchen counter and guess what's on the list while at the store. It's a fun game.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 20th: Stick to you diet this week. It will pay off in the long run. By the way, if you happen to hear the Pink Panther song playing when you sneak down the hall for a midnight snack, you're breaking the diet.

Birthdays: Petrarch, poet and humanist 1304, Sir Edmund Hillary, New Zealand mountain climber and explorer 1919, Elliot Lee Richardson, government official 1920, Cormac McCarthy, novelist 1933, Natalie Wood, actress 1938, Carlos Santana, musician 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

Two old men were sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she's dead!"

The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she is dead?" The second old man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you? Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight." Sean says, "That little shit, O'Conner? He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."

Paddy says,"That he did. A shovel is what he had and a terrible licking he gave me with it." Sean says, "You should have defended yourself! Didn't you have something in your hand?"

Paddy says, ''That I did. It was Mrs. O'Conner's right breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

An old lawyer, laying on his deathbed, called to his wife and asked her to bring the Bible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea and brought the Bible to her husband.

The lawyer took the Bible from her and began scanning the pages. Curious, knowing her husband wasn't a religious person, she asked, "What are you searching for, dear?" The lawyer replied, "Loopholes."

That's it for today, my little kittens. Remember, Twitter is cool because it makes you look like your texting your friends instead of talking to yourself. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. 

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Monday, July 18, 2016

Blocking Traffic May Be Dangerous For Violent Protestors

There's a time to be nice and understanding, then there's a time to take out the garbage. With threats from ISIS and now the blatant murder of police officers, the time is coming when people will shoot first and ask questions later.

If you want to protest, do so peacefully, without blocking traffic and endangering others. If not, I believe the time will come where the benefit of the doubt will fall by the wayside.

Blocking traffic may put a persons life in danger of being accidentally run over. Moreover, traffic disruption may cause someone who is being rushed to the hospital to die.

The general public, for the most part, simply want to go to work and complete their daily obligations. To expose the public to the few idiots that want to cause trouble is disgusting.

The message to the trouble makers should be that if they continue, their days are numbered, There are more peaceful people who own guns than troublemakers and the fed up public may be wont to turn their backs on a thug who was accidentally shot and killed

The News As I See It: We are a few weeks away from the start of the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. The mayor of Rio is trying to get Pokémon Go in the city ahead of the Summer Games. So now you can go to Rio and catch two things.

Members of Congress have left Washington for a seven-week vacation. Even the Kardashians are asking, "From what?"

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently rejected an offer from Donald Trump to be his running mate. When Trump's people asked why she rejected the offer, she said, "For the last time, I'm Whoopi Goldberg."

This Date In History: 64; A great fire began that ultimately destroyed most of Rome. The emperor Nero blamed it on Christians and began the first Roman persecution of them. 1925; The first volume of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf was published. 1936; The Spanish Civil War began.

1947; President Harry S. Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act. 1976; 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci earned the first perfect score, a ten, at the Olympics and went on to score six more tens and win three gold medals. 1999; New York Yankee David Cone pitched the 16th perfect game in baseball history.

Picture Of The Day: Some old person with bad eyesight might accidentally run these nice people over. Of course, it would be considered malice if they stopped their car and backed over him again.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died. May he RIP in peace. 2) I pray that I have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. 3) I saw a stick figure family on a truck with more than 5 stick figure kids. I taped a complementary stick condom on their rear window. 4) My girlfriend doesn't need body guards. Those maxi pads promise her 10 hours of protection, each. 5) Today's lesson for the under 35 group: Rapunzel (This may take years, but you'll learn).....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 18th: A romantic excursion to an luxury hotel and casino may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Tepees are also a saucy place to hide out and making love but it's really not the same ambiance and the room service is not as good. If you insist on gambling at the roulette table, play $5 on number 38.

Birthdays: My father, James Sullivan Sr, in heaven. Robert Hooke, physicist, mathematician, and inventor 1635, William Thackeray, novelist 1811, Jessamyn West, novelist 1902, S. I. Hayakawa, scholar, former U.S. Senator 1906, John Glenn, astronaut 1921, Dick Button, figure skater 1929, Yevgeny Yevtushenko, poet 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes over to his brother's house, all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" The guy says, "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law,"

His brother asks, "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" The guy replied, "She wouldn't lie still!"

A man went to the doctor feeling poorly. After examining the man, the doctor said, "I can't find a cause for your illness. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." The patient replied, "In that case, I'll come back when you're sober."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" The other man responded, "I don't know, I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss and asked. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"  The boss answered, "Intelligence." The worker said, "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" His friend said, "He said we are down here because of intelligence." The friend asked, "What's intelligence?" The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no legs. Three women, from England, Scotland and Ireland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Scottish woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, Ave ya ever been fooked lad?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "no". The Irish woman said, "Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in."

That's it for today, my little sweet potatoes. Remember, There is no "we" in bacon. I'm gonna slide  over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, July 15, 2016

Europe Needs To Re-Examine The History Of The Moors

The horrible murders of men, women and children in France is just another reason that the world, especially Europe, needs to enforce their borders and scrutinize immigration. Immigrants who refuse to assimilate to their host country are problematical.

Perhaps Europe should re-examine the history of the Moors:

The term Moors refers to the Muslim inhabitants of the Maghreb, North Africa and the Iberian Peninsula, Sicily and Malta during the Middle Ages, who initially were of Berber and Arab peoples of North African descent.

Moors are not a distinct or self-defined people and mainstream scholars observed in 1911 that "The term 'Moors' has no real ethnological value. Medieval and early modern Europeans variously applied the name to Arabs, Berber North Africans and Muslim Europeans.

The term has also been used in Europe in a broader, somewhat derogatory sense to refer to Muslims in general, especially those of Arab or Berber descent, whether living in Spain or North Africa.

During the colonial era, the Portuguese introduced the names "Ceylon Moors" and "Indian Moors" in Sri Lanka, and the Bengali Muslims were also called Moors. In 711 the Moors invaded the Iberian Peninsula from North Africa and called the territory Al-Andalus, which at its peak included most of modern-day Spain, Portugal, and Septimania.

The Moors occupied Mazara on Sicily in 827, developing it as a port, and they eventually consolidated the rest of the island and some of southern Italy. Differences in religion and culture led to a centuries-long conflict with the Christian kingdoms of Europe, which tried to reclaim control of Muslim areas; this conflict was referred to as the Reconquista.

In 1224 the Muslims were expelled from Sicily to the settlement of Lucera, which was destroyed by European Christians in 1300.

The fall of Granada in 1492 marked the end of Muslim rule in Iberia, although a Muslim minority persisted until their expulsion in 1609.

The News As I See It: Elizabeth Warren has been invited to give an address on the first night of the Democratic Convention. Hillary Clinton will give the address on the final night and Bernie Sanders will be given the wrong address so that he misses the convention entirely.

A restaurant in China forces customers to solve complex math problems before they can order their meal. The restaurant has no plans to expand to the United States.

A man in Oregon got stabbed while playing Pokémon Go and refused medical treatment in order to keep playing. He leaves a wife, two kids, and six Squirtles.

Some nursing homes in New York are allowing elderly residents to have sex. There’s also a new trend the next morning at nursing homes known as the "Shuffle of Shame."

This Date In History: 1869; Margarine was patented in France by Hippolyte Mege Mouries. 1870; Georgia became the last of the Confederate States to be readmitted to the Union. 1918; The Second Battle of the Marne began during World War I.

1940; The world's tallest man (8 feet, 11.1 inches), Robert Wadlow, died. 1948; John J. Pershing, whose leadership in World War I earned him the title General of the Armies of the United States, died in Washington, DC.

1975; The Russian Soyuz and the U.S. Apollo launched. The Apollo-Soyuz mission was the first international manned spaceflight. 2010; After 86 days of gushing oil into the Gulf of Mexico and several previous attempts to contain the flow, BP caps its leaking oil well.

Picture Of The Day: The picture speaks for itself.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Map Quest really needs to start their directions on number five. I've mastered the art of getting out of my neighborhood. An "avoid ghetto" option would be handy.  2) Kim Kardashian is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Kim's maximum capacity is 500 members. 3) A young man scolded me the other day for not paying attention to his question. I apologized and asked him if he had graduated from college. He scowled and said, "I majored in liberal arts." Then he said, "Will that be for here or to go?" 4) A twofold national problem is how to preserve the wilderness in the country and get rid of the jungle in the cities.  5) In an intellectual, equal pay society, how will I get my hamburger and fries and who will be the busboys?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 15th: The odds are that you'll see something this weekend that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice and payback is hell. Relax, have a beer and wait for the next bus.

Birthdays: Rembrandt, Dutch painter, etcher and draftsman 1606, Clement Moore, poet 1779, Mother Cabrini, nun 1850, Iris Murdoch, writer 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lord, were they all dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how crooked politicians lie."

Obama was sleeping one night in the White House and the ghost of George Washington appears. Somewhat nervous, Obama asks, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." Obama says, "Ooh, I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." Obama answers, "Oh, I can't really do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

A woman called 911 when she realized she was about to give birth. Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the emergency call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby very diligently. Kathleen did as she was asked.

The woman pushed and pushed and after a little while, a baby boy was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom and the child began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "Smack him again! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

That's it for today, my little tumble weeds. Remember, as you get older three things happen. The first is you get sexier, the second is your memory fades and I can't remember the last one. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Wednesday, July 13, 2016

A Tail Of Two Kitties

Between Samantha and Scooter, Sam is the independent one. Granted, Scooter is just a kitten and is learning fast, but he's happy-go-lucky and likes to sit with me. Sam was a street wise, six-month-old independent. But the two are fast becoming pals.

Sam thinks she's smart and ofttimes bangs her food dish to indicate that she's hungry, yet she is unable to explain baseball's infield fly rule. She is capable of opening every cabinet door in the house, but she refuses to use the can opener to open the cat food can and feed herself.

My personal belief is that she only does the things that she wants to do and seems amused when I finally relent to the food dish banging and feed her. She will not give me the satisfaction of meowing for her food as that is evidently beneath her.

Little Scooter is growing like a weed and is learning all the navigation tricks to ascend to just about anywhere he likes. Within the next month, he'll have all the high places conquered.

Meanwhile, Scooter likes to be wherever I am. The top picture is where he sleeps when I am on the computer. He crawls up behind my neck and wriggles and squirms until he's comfortable and, of course, i'm uncomfortable.

The News As I See It: Bernie Sanders officially endorsed Hillary Clinton at a rally in New Hampshire. Hillary said she’s glad Bernie is behind her 100 percent, then Bernie said, "Let’s just start off with 10 percent."

Sanders' endorsement of Hillary Clinton has angered many of his supporters. Many of them are threatening to not vote for her when they don’t vote in November.

The game Pokémon Go is actually making people visit remote, potentially dangerous areas. On the bright side, they finally found a way to get people to attend the Rio Olympics.

Bill Cosby has hired a woman to be his lead attorney. She says she doesn’t know how she got the job, she just woke up and there it was.

This Date In History: 1793; French revolutionary Jean Paul Marat was stabbed to death in his bath by royalist sympathizer Charlotte Corday. 1863; The draft riots, protesting unfair conscription in the Civil War, began in New York City.

1865; P. T. Barnum's American Museum, which had featured Tom Thumb and the original Siamese twins Chang and Eng, was destroyed by fire. 1930; The first World Cup soccer competition began in Montevideo, Uruguay.

1943; The Battle of Kursk, the largest tank battle in history—involving some 6,000 tanks, 2,000,000 troops, and 4,000 aircraft—ended in German defeat. 1977; A 25-hour blackout hit New York City, engendering widespread rioting and looting. 2003 Iraq's interim governing council was inaugurated.

Picture Of The Day: Love these kittens

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Don't make exceptions for ignorant people. An asshole with a flower in it is not a vase. 2) I don't need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks. 3) The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he's 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid. 4) I spent a nice relaxing hour on Facebook, writing "you Two look fantastic!!" on all the selfies with three girls or more in it. 5) I had no Internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts. I guess that's why the pioneers usually died so young.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 13th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, "A man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic table." I have no idea what that means, but it's in the stars.

Birthdays: Nathan Bedford Forrest, general 1821, Isaac Babel, writer 1894, Wole Soyinka, playwright, poet, novelist, essayist, and political activist 1934, Patrick Stewart, director 1940, Harrison Ford, actor 1942, Cameron Crowe, director, screenwriter 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. Irving said, "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do."

Morris replied, "Sounds great, but how do you make it last for an hour?" Irving said, "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" His concerned friend asks, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"

His friend said, chuckling, "You mean hysterical," The man answered, "No, I mean historical. Every argument we have, she'll say, "I still remember that time when you did this ...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held and, at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, her husband cries out, "Watch out for that damned wall!"

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of your stick, we'd both be riding the bus."

That's it for today, my little pickle packers. Remember, you should never burn bridges but you can loosen the bolts a little each day. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Monday, July 11, 2016

A Dark Day

I have utter disgust for anyone that shoots a cop. Everyone has a right to protest and free speech. When that protest turns to masks and hidden faces to avoid prosecution, throwing of any dangerous object or weapons of any kind, then your rights end.

At that point in time, any method used by police to quell violence is fair. When things get out of control, take away any bull horn used to egg on the protesters, arrest anyone wearing a mask or wearing a hoodie with the top up, and any other means necessary to stop the violence.

This includes rubber bullets, tear gas, water hoses and, if necessary, police discharging their firearms. I'm fed up with a group that constitutes less than 15% of the nation's population causing so many problems.

All instances of police abuse should be addressed in the courts, not by people in the street and Rufus Obama throwing in his two cents every time there's a shooting involving blacks promotes racial divide. Obama has cause a lot of racial division during his presidency.

The News As I See It: An aquarium in the U.K. claims that it has the world’s first vegetarian shark. Either that or they’re playing a really mean prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.

The new J.C. Penny catalog features a gay couple. This is historic. It's the first time anyone gay has been spotted wearing clothes from J.C. Penny.

The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair.

This Date In History: 1533; Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII. 1804; Former vice president Aaron Burr fatally wounded former secretary of the treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Hamilton died the following afternoon.

1864; Confederate general Jubal A. Early and his troops attacked Washington, DC. They retreated the next day, ending the Confederate threat to occupy the capital. 1914; Babe Ruth made his major league baseball debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.

1977; The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work to advance civil rights. 1989; Actor Laurence Olivier died. 1995; The United States and Vietnam established full diplomatic relations.

2011; The News of the World, a British newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch, closes after several allegations that the paper's journalists hacked into voicemail accounts belonging to not only a 13-year-old murder victim, but also the relatives of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: The picture says it all.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk. 2) You know you're a redneck when you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 3) I do not Twitter or tweet although I once slept with a lovely English bird who chirped. 4) I'm not saying that the girl I met last Friday was slow, but she thought Gazpacho was Pinocchio's father. 5) I went to the doctor because of water on the knee and he said, "You're not aiming straight.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 11th: Feel welcome to share your inner most secrets with your entire family and friends. They will adore you for your spectacular honesty and may only exclude you from certain holidays and special events.

Birthdays: Robert the Bruce, Scottish King 1274, Thomas Bowdler, editor 1754, John Quincy Adams, 6th President of the United States 1767, E. B. White, writer 1899, Yul Brynner, actor 1920.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.

Finally, after she had crossed her legs enough times, her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answered with a seductive smile, Yes." Her husband replied, "Thank God. For a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I do?" Mabel reached up to her ear, pulled out the suppository and stared at it. Then she said, "I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pours ir into a cold mug, sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pees in the cold mug.

The man asks the bartender who owns the monkey. The bartender replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you can hum it, I'll play it."

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

That's it for today, my little apple blossums. Remember, it's safe to live in Canada. The murder rate is very low because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

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