Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Baby Names - Can They Get Any Weirder?

Every year I think baby names can’t get worse than last year's and then they do. One of the newest is Khaleesi. It's a made-up term from "Game of Thrones" and is now charting massively, to the tune of 146 baby girls in 2013.

It is not the worst name. That honor goes to Paisley. There are 2903 baby girl Paisleys wandering around. Paisley! This is like naming your child Terrible Tie Pattern or Ugly Scarf. Why would you wish this on your baby girl?

Some people just make up names because they like the sound or fit the trend. They usually make no sense, but then, consider the source. Shaniqua, Sha'Nay Nay, Barackisha, Kaneesha, Obamaniqua and Sasquatchia are a few that come to mind.

Back in the day, most names were taken from the Bible with some translated to fit other languages and dialects. Illiteracy and poor spelling produced variations of these names and lastly, of course, nicknames were spawned as well.

Every generation’s baby names has its "intellectuals" and quite often, their babies names are the refuse of literature. It is a tradition of long standing. For example, "Gone With the Wind” came out in 1936 as a book and 1939 as a movie. In 1936, Scarlett didn’t come up very often. There were Rhettas but no Rhetts.

By 1937 there were 7 little Scarletts. By 1940, a year after the movie, there were 59 Scarletts and 27 Rhetts. Both of those still make the chart. Maybe it’s not so bad. This is one of the major incentives to write fiction: to take up residency in the minds of others and to make your story a part of their stories.

Movies and movie stars have always been a source of names. Witness 2013's popular baby names including: Liam, Elizabeth, Noah, Olivia, Jacob, Logan, Mia and a host of others.

At least the namers are displaying some taste. Baby Anastasias stayed relatively stable in the years following the publication of "50 Shades of Grey" and the number of Baby Christians actually went down.

Theoretically, every parent should have the right to choose a name for their baby, but names like Johnny Johnson, Willie Williams, Tommy Thompson and I.P. Rainwater tend to make me believe that the parents may not be Mensa members.

Personally, I think there should be a law that requires every potential parent to Google their proposed baby's name before naming them. This might give the kid a fighting chance.

The News As I See It: They say Jesus had a wife. Maybe so, since he's not the first husband to get killed after drinking with 12 of his guy friends.

North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un.

A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better.

The Blood Moon is the second most impressive type of eclipse. Number one will always be a total eclipse of the heart.

In Afghanistan's early election, Abdullah Abdullah is doing great, especially among old people and stutterers.

This Date In History: 1746; The Jacobite uprising in England ends when Charles “Bonnie Prince Charlie” Stuart is defeated by the Duke of Cumberland. 1912; Harriet Quimby became the first woman to fly across the English Channel. 1917; Lenin returned to Russia after 10 years in exile in Switzerland.

1947; Financier Bernard Baruch coined the term "cold war” in a speech in South Carolina. 1947; Most of Texas City, Tex., destroyed when French ship Grandcamp exploded. 1972; China sent President Nixon two giant pandas as a gift. 1999; Hockey great Wayne Gretzky announced his retirement.

2007; A male student, Cho Seung-Hui, killed two in a Virginia Tech dorm, then killed 30 more 2 hours later in a classroom building. His suicide brought the death toll to 33, making the shooting rampage the most deadly in U.S. history. Fifteen others were wounded.

Picture Of The Day: If kids could talk at birth.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money today. I guess you don't see that many $20 bills. Glad you made sure it was legit. 2) My girlfriend sure is picky for someone who sleeps with me.  3) One of the showrooms at Ikea should be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together. 4) (Panty-less, waxed woman hanging off a bridge): "I'm gonna jump into that canoe." (Me): "No, that's your reflection." 5) The most awkward deathbed is probably a waterbed......"I love you."  *passes away*... *wobbles for two minutes*.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 16th: Drinking alcohol may well turn today into the worst possible tomorrow. Try to ensure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic.

Birthdays: My sweet Laury -Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Wilbur Wright, airplane inventor 1867, John Millington Synge, dramatist 1871, Charlie Chaplin (Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin), English film actor, director, producer, writer, and composer 1889, Merce Cunningham, choreographer 1919, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball player 1947, Selena Quintanilla Perez ,singer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14 percent, how much would you take off?

The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blond woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." The blond replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A 72-year-old-man is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "No, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class and right now!" The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you."

The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate."

With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "Screw you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

That's it for today, my little monkey shines. Remember, size does matter. No one likes a small pizza. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 14, 2014

Tomorrow Is Tax Day

Tomorrow is Tax Day and those of you who happen to have money will have to send some of it to Uncle Sambo. The deadline is April 15th at 12 pm, so you still have time to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts and make fake deductions .

Yep, tomorrow ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C. and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.

Did you know there's actually a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government? I never check that box. The Obama's have already had enough vacations. 

The IRS says it's been getting death threats since Obamacare passed because they are going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to investigate Republicans and threaten people.

Obama has a task force to reviewing the tax codes. He is concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes.....and that's just in his administration.

Although nobody likes taxes, they've been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense.

Finally, the main things you need to know about taxes are to remember to sign your tax return, write your check, sign it and make it payable to China.....

The News As I See It: After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

This year's income tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: 1) How much did you make last year? 2) How much do you have left? 3) Send amount listed in part 2.

A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, “Normally, we do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.”

This Date In History: 1775; Benjamin Rush was among those who founded the first American antislavery society. 1828; Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. 1860; The first pony express rider reached his destination of San Francisco. He left St. Joseph, Missouri, on April 3.

1865; Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. 1894; The first kinetoscope parlor opened in New York City. 1912; Titanic hit the iceberg that would sink her the next morning.

1969; In a record breaking night at the Academy Awards, a tie between Katherine Hepburn and Barbra Streisand resulted in the two sharing the the Best Actress Oscar and Hepburn broke the record as the only actress to win three Best Actress Oscars.

2002; Hugo Chávez returned as president of Venezuela after being forced out of office two days previously. 2003; Abu Abbas, the leader of the terrorist group Palestine Liberation Front when the group hijacked the liner Achille Lauro, was captured by U.S. forces in Iraq.

2010; An explosion in the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland results in a volcanic ash plume in the atmosphere over northern and central Europe. Air travel in the region is halted for several days.

Picture Of The Day: I don't know who came up with this idea, but I'd sure like to have one on my patio.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Her dad said he'd like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me. 2) I had myself waxed "down there". Now my socks slide on real easy.  3) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks. 4) The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping. 5) Grandchildren can be so annoying. How many times can you go, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 14th: How does one prognosticate one's horoscope knowing full well that monies have to be sent to Uncle Sambo tomorrow? The stars say knuckle down and complete your tax returns. I say get in the car and mosey over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Things will work out.

Birthdays: Anne Sullivan Macy, American educator, friend and teacher of Helen Keller 1866, Arnold Joseph Toynbee historian 1889, John Gielgud actor 1904, Francois Duvalier dictator of Haiti 1907, Loretta Lynn singer 1935, Sarah Michelle Gellar actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman went to the doctor for her annual check-up and as the doctor was finishing the exam, he asked, "You're in good health Mrs. Johnson. Do you have any additional questions?" Mr. Johnson replied, "Not for myself doctor, but I'm concerned about my husband."

The doctor said, "Oh? What seems to be the problem?" Mrs. Johnson said, "He seems to have acquired a taste for dog food and he eats it at least once a day." The doctors said, "Well, although that's a bit strange, the dog food shouldn't hurt him. Does he have any other problems?" Mrs' Johnson said, "No." The doctor advised, "Well, keep an eye on him and let me know if anything changes."

About a month later, the doctor ran into Mrs. Johnson at the grocery store and after exchanging pleasantries, he asked, "And, how is Mr. Johnson doing?" Mrs. Johnson replied, "He's in the hospital but I think he will be discharged this weekend."

Horrified, the doctor said, "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that eating the dog food would hurt him." Mrs. Johnson replied, "No, it wasn't the dog food. He was sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a truck hit him"

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?" She responded, "The first man was Pete, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

I'd adopt this little guy in a New York minute !

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man says, "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

The Deli owner said, "Why don't you people leave me alone? I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

The agent said, "It's not your income that bothers us, it's the deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." The owner said smiling. "Oh, that, I forgot to tell you....we also deliver."

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, Mark Twain once said, "The only difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 11, 2014

Sebelius Is Out

Obama threw Kathleen Sebelius under the bus and hung her ass out to dry, which she well deserved. They say she will resign today. Right! Resign or be fired. Too bad Pinocchio Obama didn't get on board and resign as well. That's what you get when you align yourself with thugs, Ms. Sebelius.

David Letterman recently announced he would retire next year and CBS has already announced that he will be replaced with Steven Colbert. You'd think that CBS would have had the courtesy to wait until Letterman's body was cold. I really doesn't matter very much though. Both comedians lean so far to the left that they need canes to walk upright.

Representative Vance McAllister (R-La.) is facing trouble after The Ouachita Citizen reported he can be seen kissing a female staffer in a surveillance video at the representative's own office in Monroe, Louisiana. The two people in the video can be seen embracing and kissing for almost half a minute. McAllister's election campaign touted his conservative values and 16-year-marriage.

Attorney General Eric Holder has been moaning the blues about the way he has been treated. His implication is racism. The truth is Holder hasn't been treated badly because of race. If he has "been treated badly", it's because he is a liar, as is his boss Brother Obama.

CNN announced that Anthony Bourdain's show is taking over Piers Morgan's time slot. Anthony is a culinary expert who loves good food. His show is the highest-rated series on CNN. But let's be honest. The highest-rated series on CNN is like being the least drunk Australian.

The News As I See It: A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton to run for president says it raised $1.7 million in the first three months of the year. Obama said, "I’ll kick in another million if she’s willing to start early."

Kim Jong-un, The North Korean dictator, is in the news again. He was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. He said, "I haven't been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SAT exam."

"Captain America" is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan.

New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.

This Date In History: 1814; Napoleon was exiled to the island of Elba. 1899; The treaty ending the Spanish-American War took effect. 1921; Iowa imposed the first state cigarette tax. 1945; Allies liberated Buchenwald concentration camp.

1951; President Harry Truman fired General Douglas McArthur. 1968; President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the 1968 Civil Rights Act. 1979; Ugandan dictator Idi Amin was overthrown.

1981; President Ronald Reagan returned to the White House after he was shot in an assassination attempt. 2007; Science-fiction writer Kurt Vonnegut died in New York City at age 84.

Picture Of The Day: Right !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Ninety percent of women that wear yoga pants probably don't do yoga. One hundred percent of straight men don't care. 2) I will never miss you, because I'm a really good shooter.  3) Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. This is great news! It means we won't have to deal with them too much longer. 4) Th 5) I once dated a female magician. She put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 11th: Th

Birthdays: Charles Evans Hughes, American statesman and jurist 1862, Dean Acheson, statesman 1893, Percy Lavon Julian, chemist 1899, Oleg Cassini, fashion designer 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. Suddenly, h e has a heart attack and dies. Frantically, she calls out a May Day. She screams into the radio, "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. 'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

The blonde says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." The voice on the radio says,  "Okay, Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven….”

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it."

The woman continued, "That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." The grandfather said, "Thanks, but I'm William, the little shit's name is Kevin."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Wisconsin for $2,000.

They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet, "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. They said, "You are truly a wise Vet. How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" With a seductive smile, she answers, Yes." Her husband said, "Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa." (He never heard the gunshot.)

That's it for today, my little cherry blossoms. Remember, you only need two tools in life: Wd-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the Wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape. I'm posting a bit early today to attend a private party in AREA 51.

Have a fantastic weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Government: One Lies And The Other Swears To It

The government is a joke! It is filled with liars, bribes and cronyism. Attorney General has been censured by Congress with no apparent effect or punishment. Soon to be censured IRS head Lois Lerner will probably escape from any serious punishment, as well.

Former CIA head Mike Morell altered the talking point on Benghazi (surely at the behest of Obama for re-election purposes) and he won't be punished either. Moreover, Morell left the CIA in 2013 and joined a Washington, D.C. consultancy co-founded by the principal gatekeeper to Hillary Clinton, thus covering her cankled ass as well.

Now we have Al Sharpton, now also known as "Confidential Informant No. 7," The longtime race-baiting agitator and civil-rights activist was exposed Monday as an alleged former key FBI informant whose tips helped take down some of the biggest names in New York Mafia history.

The Smoking Gun reported, as other news organizations have in the past, that Sharpton became an informant after he was caught on a video nodding along as a drug kingpin discussed cocaine deals. His cooperation allegedly prevented the possibility that he would be charged.

This is the tip of the iceberg, folks. The government has lost or "misplaced" billions of dollars of tax payer monies and no one can find it. Here's a thought. Try looking in the accounts of Congressmen, their families, their businesses and their associated friendly contractors. This is one of the reasons that a hammer cost $600.....incompetence.


The News As I See It: A Michigan couple is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.

San Francisco Police are looking for a group of thugs who have been tipping Smart cars over. Well, they’re assuming it’s thugs. It could have just been a stiff breeze.

The archbishop of Atlanta is being forced to sell a $2.2 million mansion he bought using church funds. The bishop said he wanted the extra space because he was tired of only moving diagonally.

David Letterman has announced that he is retiring and the reaction has been overwhelming, but the most impressive reaction is that now he's seeing kind of a wistful tone to his hate mail. About a year from now, he'll be doing commercials for reverse mortgages.

Married Louisiana Congressman Vance McAllister is in a bit of hot water. He was caught by a security camera making out with one of his staffers. Where was this security camera? In his own office....

Al Sharpton responded to accusations that he served as an FBI informant, saying, "I was not and am not a rat. I’m a cat. I chase rats." He added, "I was not an informant on a boat, I was not an informant on a goat, I was not an informant in the rain, I was not an informant on a train."

This Date In History: 1731; Robert Jenkins's ear was cut off, sparking the War of Jenkins’s Ear between Spain and England. 1865; Gen. Robert E. Lee surrendered to Gen. Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House.

1914; The first full-color film, The World, The Flesh and the Devil, was shown in London. 1939; Contralto Marian Anderson, after being denied performing at Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., gave a concert at the Lincoln Memorial.

1942; American and Philippine troops on Bataan were overwhelmed by Japanese forces during World War II. The "Bataan Death March" began soon after.

1959; NASA announced the selection of America’s first astronauts, including Alan Shepard and John Glenn. 1963; Winston Churchill became the first honorary U.S. citizen. 1992; Former Panamanian ruler Manuel Noriega was convicted of drug and racketeering charges.

2003; American Marines pulled down Saddam Hussein’s statue in Baghdad after U.S. commanders declared his rule ended. 2005; Britain's Prince Charles marries Camilla Parker Bowles.

Picture Of The Day: Speaking of a corrupt government, your taxes are due April 15th.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried playing an Indian song. 2) Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport. 3) Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna? Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe? 4) Like my therapist always says, "I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea." 5) I haven't seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Give a someone a fish and they can eat for a day. Give a someone a jelly fish and you can pee on them.

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 9th: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but a beerholder with a Budweiser in it would be handy, just in case. 

Birthdays: My friend Lisa - Happy Birthday 19XX, Charles Baudelaire, poet 1821, Eadweard Muybridge, photographer 1830, Paul Robeson, American actor and bass singer 1898, J. William Fulbright, senator 1905, Jean-Paul Belmondo, actor 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot. The man exclaimed, "No way, no needles! I hate needles!."

So the dentist started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man said, “I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me! The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. He said, "No, I'm fine with pills."

So, the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. He asked, "What are those?" She replied, "Viagra." The patient said, " I'll be damned. I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." The dentist replied,, "It doesn't, but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Her ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to him and immediately began to apologize. She told him, "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain, if you'd allow me." The man replied. "Oh no, I'll be fine in a few minutes." He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

The Doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" The man answered, "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" The salesman replied, "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" The salesman said, "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

That's it for today, my little Frosted Flakes. Remember, regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. If things go well, I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !