Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Jimmy's Journal tends to lean toward the lighter side of life, yet each day, another hypocritical asshole makes news and pisses me off. Corporate taxes in America are nearly twice the amount as in other countries, inducing corporations to move their offices abroad in order to compete at the same level as foreign corporations. This type of action is referred to as a "tax inversion".
In the maneuver, which breaks no laws, a U.S. company buys a foreign competitor in a lower-tax nation and shifts its headquarters to that country. Obama and some congressional Democrats have been pushing to limit tax inversions.
When corporations move their operations offshore, it causes loss of tax income and the loss of jobs in America. While this problem has stirred many to call for a corporate tax overhaul. Barry Soetero, also known as Barack Obama, called this type of move "unpatriotic". I assume this term is spawned by the loss of tax dollars earmarked to the many Obama freebie giveaways under the guise of help for the disadvantaged.
Enter billionaire investor Warren Buffett, owner of Berkshire Hathaway Inc., who owns Burger King. Burger King has struck a deal to buy Ontario, Canada-based Tim Hortons coffee-and-doughnut chain for about $11.4 billion, with plans to place the new company's headquarters in Canada, where corporate taxes are lower than in the U.S.
Buffett, a democratic supporter and Obama fund raiser, backed an Obama administration plan named after him to force millionaires to pay the same share of their income in taxes as middle-class families. Yet, Buffett is seeking to move his company to another nation for the purpose of paying lower taxes.
In announcing the $11.4-billion deal Tuesday to buy Tim Hortons, the companies said Berkshire Hathaway would receive preferred shares in the new firm for its $3-billion investment.
Need more Buffett hypocrisy? On March 3, 2014, Warren Buffett on CNBC said he would vote yes for the Keystone pipeline not only for jobs but because "I believe it's a useful pipeline".
Really? If Buffett is telling the truth then he must have sold Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad. The following story is not new, but it reinforces my belief that Warren Buffett is a hypocritical asshole whose only concern is Warren Buffett.
The News As I See It: The 66th annual Emmy Awards was held Monday night. The Emmys are typically on Sunday night, but they moved them to Monday for the first time for 38 years. One reason is the VMAs were scheduled for Sunday night on MTV.
For those of you too young to know, music videos are something MTV used to play before it turned into a network for pregnant teenagers. The VMAs are a chance for all of the former Disney stars to show up with their new tongue piercings.
Speaking of the Emmy Awards, actress Sophia Verga performed a skit during the show which provoked some swishy critics to refer to the skit as "sexist". Obviously. these lady boys have never seen any of the leaked sex tapes from the likes of Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, not to mention the cavorting and twerking of the highly publicized Miley Cyrus. Grow up girly boys and get a sense of humor.
A devastating earthquake hit California's wine country, Napa Valley, over the weekend. The Red Cross is now asking for donations of Merlot. The 6.0 earthquake was so powerful it knocked Arnold Schwarzenegger off his housekeeper. It was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.
This Date In History: 1859; Edwin Drake drilled the first successful U.S. oil well near Titusville, Pa. 1883; A massive volcanic eruption on the island of Krakatoa blew up most of the island and resulted in tsunamis that killed over 36,000 people.
1928; The Kellogg-Briand Pact, outlawing war, was signed. 1945; U.S. troops began landing in Japan after Japan's surrender in World War II. 1962; The U.S. launched the Mariner II space probe. 2003; Mars made its closest approach to earth in 60,000 years.
Picture Of The Day: These Red Pandas are the epitome of cute. As per my usual, I neglected to jot down where they're from, but I am assuming Asia. Just Google it.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd like to give a special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring ice cold water on terrorists before the "ice bucket challenge" made it cool. 2) My girlfriend nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused. Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?
3) I'm not saying don't trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I've won and the number of Ipads I own. 4) If I were Noah, I would have been grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol. 5) MTV stopped having their "Unplugged" specials because the shitty artists we have nowadays can't play any instruments.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 27th: Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Destiny might play with your mind though and may take you to a pet store. Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better.
However, the chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch tomorrow are remote so you might as well quit, go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes.You may find love in unexpected places. It is equally likely that you'll find love on Ebay. The good thing about Ebay is there's a great sale on shoes today.
Birthdays: Charles G. Dawes, statesman 1865, Theodore Dreiser, writer 1871, Man Ray, photographer, painter 1890, C.S. Forester, novelist 1899, Lyndon B. Johnson, 37th Vice President (1961-63)and 36th President of the United States (1963-69) 1908, Frank Leahy, football coach 1908, Tom Ford, fashion designer, film director 1961.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked the blonde if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
She pondered the question then, finally said, "Yes, that was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
Davey asked the priest, "Father Donovan, what is this? Father Donovan replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab of $7.75, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip....three quarters.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
The waitress says, "Well, this quarter tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." The waitress continues, "And this quarter tells me you're a bachelor."
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third quarter tells me that your father was one, too."
Murray and Rose are senior citizens and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Rose, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Rose says, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."
Frustrated, Murray goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Rose, do you notice anything different?" Rose says, "What's different, Murray? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Murray yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!" Rose replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, a great way to have fun is to hang a map of the world in your house. Then, put pins into all the locations that you've traveled to. But first, travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Unlike my worldly traveling pals, Jack and Shirley, most of the pin locations on my travel map are bars.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Monday, August 25, 2014
The ALS ice bucket challenge has been a tremendous success. In just a few short weeks, the challenge has topped $50 million for the ALS Association and it’s showing no signs of slowing down.
What started out as a grassroots stunt -- believed to be launched by pro golfer Chris Kennedy in Sarasota, Florida, to support his wife’s cousin who has amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) -- has morphed into a social media sensation.
Since July 29, the campaign has raised $53 million and collected more than $10 million on one day alone. To put that whopping figure into perspective, the group raised $2.2 million in the same period last year.
Moreover, the movement is one of the most socially positive event I've seen in a while. While there are a lot of divided camps when it comes to politics and other inane issues, this particular cause has united a lot of family, friends and communities. Maybe this type of action and reaction can be spread to other worthwhile causes.
That said, you know I've come up with some political cartoons that I just couldn't resist showing you. They're a bit controversial, but then again, so am I.
Today's targets are Obama (always easy), the Chris Brown-Suge Knight shooting, The federal government's attempt at grabbing more federal lands and the indictment of Texas governor Rick Perry, spawned by his veto of a democratic judge who was arrested for drunken diving.
Perry was indicted Friday by a grand jury on abuse of power charges stemming from his battle to defund a state-funded bureau of anti-corruption investigators.
The suit originated from a standoff between Perry and Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg after she was arrested for drunk driving in April 2013 and subsequently pleaded guilty.
The News As I See It: Disney stock just reached a new high this week of $90.37 a share. That's when you know tickets to Disney World are too expensive — when it's actually cheaper to own part of the company.
PetSmart, the pet supply chain, didn't get quite the same news as Disney. The company may soon be sold to a larger company, or as they told their employees, "Your jobs are going to a farm upstate."
A new study found that having a big wedding boosts your chance of having a good marriage. While having a destination wedding boosts your chance of having friends who hate you.
This Date In History: 1718; New Orleans was founded by French settlers and named after the Duke of Orleans. 1825; Uruguay declared its independence from Brazil. 1875; Matthew Webb became the first person to swim across the English Channel. It took him 21 hours and 45 minutes. 1916; The Department of the Interior created the National Park Service to manage and preserve national parks and monuments for future generations.
1944; Paris was liberated from Nazi occupation by Allied forces. 1984; Author Truman Capote was found dead in Los Angeles. 2001; Singer and actress Aaliyah died in a plane crash in the Bahamas. 2003; NASA launched the infrared Spitzer Space Telescope.
2009; Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy, a fixture in the Senate for 46 years, dies of brain cancer at the age of 77. Kennedy, who served as a Democratic senator from Massachusetts since 1962, was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor in 2008. 2012; The first human to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong, died after suffering complications from a heart bypass.
Picture Of The Day: ISIS aggression and beheadings, the southern border porous and inviting and Obie plays golf. What a guy!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it's true love. After marriage, however, it is usually in self-defense. 2) Americans and Britons have different ways of saying things. They say "lift", we say "elevator". They say "President", we say "Money wasting narcissist". 3) If you tip the world over on its side, anything and everything that's illegal, loose or useless will land in Los Angeles.
4) Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll buy a stupid hat. 5) When I was eight, I saw a picture of myself in one of those strollers for twins. I asked Dad why there were two seats in the stroller. He said I used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 25th: Remember to chew before you swallow. There is no such word "ecseterar" and it's definitely not abbreviated as ect. The capital of you is your heart - never forget that. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming fortnight, so prepare for wealth, health and happiness, you lucky dog.
Birthdays: My pal Nick - Happy Birthday Bud! 19XX, Allan Pinkerton, detective 1819, Sir Hans Adolf Krebs, biochemist 1900, Leonard Bernstein, American composer, conductor and pianist 1918, George Wallace, Alabama governor 1919, Althea Gibson, tennis player 1927, Sean Connery, actor 1930, Regis Philbin, TV personality 1934, Tim Burton, director 1958.
|Rapper Chris Brown "shot at" and hip hop boss Suge Knight hit - One out of two ain't bad|
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a race horse and at eight I shit like a cow." The other men ask, "So what's your problem?" The man replied, "I don't wake up until nine."
A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." He replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
The nun said, "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." The nun said, "What a wonderful answer!"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with a bewildered look on her face and said, "Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God! I'm coming!'" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Friday, August 22, 2014
Sex is not the most important part of a relationship. It's afterwards when you're warm and naked, and you watch the sun come up through the windshield. You look in her good eye, help her strap on her leg and realize that you probably just screwed a pirate.
Speaking of getting screwed.....
Politicians, from Tiger Woods Obama, his asshole Chicago crony Attorney General Eric Holder, and Congress.....all the way down to local politicians in the cities and towns across America, have been reduced to spinning the truth to fit their needs and rarely address any point that doesn't conveniently serve their interests.
I can still recall some of the unmemorable, never changing speeches from past campaigns, to wit:
"My Fellow Americans: My name is Lying Politician and I'm a candidate for (president, congress, mayor, city council, dog catcher....whatever). My opponent, Thieving Politician, is a wife beater, communist, socialist, drunkard and car thief. If elected, I will cut your taxes, stop the war, buy you a car, send your children to college and mow your lawn. Please vote for me in November."
This is the new politics of America. Insult the opponent and promise the voters anything, knowing full well that you're a lying thief and have no intentions of fulfilling any campaign promises. Be as vague as possible about your background and true self.
Politicians are lower than whale shit and that's quite a feat indeed, seeing that whale shit is found at the bottom of the ocean......
The News As I See It: Egypt's foreign ministry called for the United States to show respect for the rights of protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Yeah, Egypt said that. Talk about living in glass pyramids.
A man in Massachusetts was arrested this week for breaking into a family’s house after a night of drinking and passing out in their living room. Or as most people in Boston call that, “Uncle Mike's here.”
You can now buy booze at Starbucks. Apparently my letter-writing campaign paid off. So, I went to Starbucks about an hour ago. I had a vodka-cchino.
Summer is nearly over and the kids are back in school. If you're able, send your kids to college so they get a degree and at least then they will know what kind of work they're out of.
This Date In History: 1642; The English Civil War began between supporters of King Charles I (Royalists or Cavaliers) and those of Oliver Cromwell (Roundheads). 1775 ; King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in open rebellion.
1846; The United States annexed New Mexico. 1851; The U.S. yacht America outraced the British Aurora off the English coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup.
1902; Theodore Roosevelt became the first United States president to ride in an automobile. 1910; Korea was annexed by Japan after five years as a protectorate. 1989; Black Panther co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland, Calififornia.
2003; Alabama's chief justice, Roy Moore, was suspended for refusing to move a Ten Commandments monument from the state courthouse. 2004; A version of Edvard Munch's painting The Scream was stolen in Norway. Another version had been stolen in 1994.
Picture Of The Day: Priorities.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've read about the danger and evils of drinking alcohol, so I gave up reading. 2) One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man is "That’s okay" which means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake. 3) I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
4) Older guys are now taking a new drug combination of Viagra and Doan's Pills. Using this concoction, the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out. 5) I despise protesters who riot and loot stores and I'd like to see them shot on sight. Nowadays, to be politically correct, you can't call them looters. You have to call them undocumented shoppers. I'd still shoot 'em on sight, but in a politically correct manner......and that's five !
Bonus sixth: I had to quit taking iron supplements when I used Viagra. Every time I got an erection, I pointed north.
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 22nd: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. This year looks like it's going to be a great one. Full of vigorous situations, sweaty encounters and trysts in mysterious places.
Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and you might be awkwardly caught out when the slightest, even accidental, touch causes you to wet yourself.
Birthdays: Claude Debussy composer 1862, Jacques Lipchitz sculptor 1891, Dorothy Parker writer 1893, Henri Cartier-Bresson photojournalist 1908, John Lee Hooker blues musician 1917, Ray Bradbury writer 1920, Norman Schwarzkopf general 1934, E. Annie Proulx writer 1935, Bill Parcells football coach 1941, Tori Amos musician 1963.
|Today's Cameron Diaz pictures are from her hit comedy movie, "The Counselor".|
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
Starting with one of the first applicants, she said, "I'm sure you can understand that in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
The job prospect answered, "Honest? Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
The counselor responded, "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"
She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."
|The Newest Rage - Fatkinis|
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies. "Wow! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an old and an old lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The man picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Up."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were hump or drown."
That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth! I'll see you over in AREA 51 at happy hour.
Have a nice weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Electronic games keep today's youth occupied, but they're missing out on great outdoor games of yesterday. Yeah, we raced bikes and played sandlot football and baseball games, but there were some really fun games that we also played.
There was a "season" for everything and I'm unsure who prescribed such seasons, but every kid seem to know when they were "in". We had seasons for marbles, yoyos and tops and there were always neighborhood tournaments or challenges for every game.
Every self-respecting kid had a pen knife or "pocket knife". Nothing fancy, just a two bladed knife, one long blade and one shorter blade. We used to play a game we called Root-A-Peg (also called Mumbly Peg, Mumblety Peg).
In this game, the first player takes the knife and goes through a series of tricks without a blunder. The second follows in turn, doing the same. The last one to perform all of the difficult feats loses and must pull a peg, two inches long, from the ground with his teeth.
The winner drives the peg into the dirt using the knife-handle for a hammer, being allowed three blows. This usually drives the peg out of sight into the dirt, and as the defeated player, using only his teeth, literally roots, until, with a dirty face and a broad grin, he lifts his head, showing the peg between his teeth.
There were some parents, while not disapproving of pocket knives, who weren't overly enthused to learn we were playing knife games. This, of course, only added more of a thrill of being caught and most of the games were held in clandestine "secret" spots.
I assume that if electronic games would have existed back in the day, we would have succumbed to their allure, but I wouldn't trade my childhood memories for anything. I mean, what is today's youth going to look back on, high score on Super Mario Brothers.....?
The News As I See It: Missouri Governor Jay Nixon apparently sent the National Guard to Ferguson without letting the White House know first. When he heard he was left out of such an important decision, Obama said, “Holy crap, I’ve been Bidened!”
Anthony Weiner is opening a restaurant. Honestly, how many of you would go to eat at Anthony Weiner's restaurant?
Obama had to cut his vacation short two days to go back to Washington. Yep, Joe Biden locked himself out of the White House again.
Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted after he threatened to veto funding for a district attorney’s office unless she stepped down. He’s now the most controversial governor in the country.....which is why Chris Christie sent him a gift basket.
Analysts say that Obama has been ignoring Hillary Clinton's advice for years — which is why we've yet to see him in a pantsuit.
David Gregory was kicked off NBC's "Meet The Press" and is being replaced by a guy named Chuck Todd. Evidently the requirements to host the show is no talent and two first names. I say kicked off, but he was kicked off with four million dollars for leaving early.
|My favorite pocket knife was made by Case. Of course, 12-15 year old boys are prone to lose just about anything unless it's attached to them, so I had many knives.|
This Date In History: 1964; As part of his Great Society policies, Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Economic Opportunity Act which, among other things, established the Head Start program. 1968; The Soviet Union and other Warsaw Pact nations invaded Czechoslovakia.
1977; The space probe Voyager 2 was launched. It continues to explore to this day, and is now more than 7 billion miles from Earth. 1980; Italian Reinhold Messner made the first successful solo ascent of Mount Everest and without oxygen.
1998; U.S. cruise missiles hit suspected terrorist bases in Afghanistan and the Sudan. 2000; Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship becoming the first player since Ben Hogan in 1953 to win three majors in one year.
Picture Of The Day: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day. 2) He died doing what he loved - smelling things underwater. 3) Viagra has been on the market now for more than 15 years. I find it hard to believe it's been so long. 4) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... 5) When you are dating, farting is never an issue. When you are married, you make sure there’s nothing flammable near your wife.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 20th: The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Whenever you feel unhappy today, go to the toilet. This action should soon turns things around for you.
Be happy for the good things that happen to you as it could be worse. Remember that time you woke up with your face in a plate of nachos and an Amish horse and buggy parked in front of your house?
Birthdays: My friend Yolanda - Happy Birthday beautiful 19XX, Oliver Hazard Perry, American naval officer 1785, Benjamin Harrison, 23rd President of the United States 1833, Eero Saarinen, architect 1910, George J. Mitchell, public official 1933, Connie Chung, TV news reporter 1946.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My mother-in-law got a pretty good look at you."
A doctor was examining a woman who had just been rushed to the Emergency Room at a local hospital. During the exam, he took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." Her husband replied, "Me neither Doc, but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No." So, she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "Have ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No," She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."
A woman was at the doctor's office with her husband. She took the doctor aside and said, "I don't want to say anything in front of my husband, but, lately, he's been buying Purina Dog Chow at the grocery store and eating it as a snack."
The doctor said, "That's unusual. Is he doing anything else that seems strange?" The woman says, "Yes, when I'm driving, he likes to stick his head out of the window for the fresh air." The doctor says, "This sounds like he may have Canus Complexus. In layman's terms, he may think that he's a dog."
The woman lamented, "That sounds serious, doctor. Is there anything you can do for him?" The doctor replied, "Yes, it could kill him. But there's a new drug that I can give him that should help. You mix it in with his food along with some wet dog food. After a while the drug and dog food mixture will begin to make him sick when he eats the dog chow and it should return him to normal."
Six months passed and the doctor happened to see the woman at the shopping mall dressed in black. The doctor greeted the woman and asked, "How is your husband?" The woman sadly told the doctor, "He passed away two weeks ago." The doctor was deeply moved and said, "My sincere condolences. I really thought that the dog food and drug mixture would have cured him, not killed him"
Then woman said, "Oh, no doctor. The dog food and drugs mixture didn't bother him at all." The doctor asked, "Then, how did he die?" The woman replied, "He was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls and a dump truck ran over him."
That's it for today, my little puddy tats. Remember, the only ideal marriage was Adam and Eve. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked,
The sun is shinning brightly, inviting me to AREA 51 for happy hour. Your Solar interpretation may vary.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !