Friday, May 19, 2017

The Flying Kamikaze Cockroach

You don't like spiders and snakes? I'm not afraid of snakes and walking into huge spider webs has only helped me create karate moves that have never been seen. But you've never lived until you've had a flying cockroach land on you, especially with witnesses.

The flying cockroach theorem dictates that, in a room of 100 people, the B-52 flying cockroach will always land on you, wherein, 1) panic will ensue and 2) you will swing and flay at the marauder, injuring not only yourself, but surrounding family members, spouses and friends, as well (not necessarily in that order).

Among the cockroaches that frequently invade houses, palmetto bugs are the largest. These reddish brown cockroaches can grow as long as 1.5 inches or more. Both males and females have wings. The size of the attacking insect varies according to the victim's description of the incident.

My cats aren't much help when the occasional cockroach appears. Possum was probably the best as he enjoyed toying with the pest until it gave up and died. Samantha is totally indifferent to them and Scooter is a big chicken and runs when he sees one.

The worst scenario is when you spot a cockroach and as you look for weapon to eradicate it, you look up and it's gone. Now you're forced to search the premises until you find and kill it. The only other option is to sit in your recliner, bedroom slipper at the ready and hope that it dies of boredom or old age.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is forming a group called Onward Together, a political organization that is anti-Trump. Experts are calling it bold, ambitious and six months too late.

Blue Cross is partnering with Lyft to give people rides to the doctor. It costs $600 and the drivers are specially trained, It’s just like an ambulance.

American Airline says it’s getting rid of seat-back TV screens, because most people bring a device with them. United Airlines is doing the same thing on their flights, because most people just watch the live entertainment.

Two People in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed.

This Date In History: 1536; Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII, was beheaded. 1588;The 130-ship-strong Spanish Armada set sail for England. It was defeated in August. 1643The colonies of Massachusetts Bay, Plymouth, Connecticut, and New Harbor met to form the New England Confederation.

1921Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, establishing national quotas for immigrants. 1928;The first annual Calaveras County "Frog Jumping Jubilee" was held in Angel's Camp, California. 1935British author and soldier, T. E. Lawrence, also known as "Lawrence of Arabia," died from injuries sustained in a motorcycle crash.

1962Marilyn Monroe sang "Happy Birthday" to president John F. Kennedy. 1992The 27th Amendment to the Constitution, which prohibited Congress from giving itself midterm pay raises, went into effect. 1994Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York.

Picture Of The Day: Another great picture by my pal, Julia

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I amaze myself with smart things I do and say. Other times, I try to get out of my car with the seat belt still connected. 2)  My kid once asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote, had him sit next to the TV and change channels by hand. 3) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally heats coffee and cooks stuff. 4) Dyslexic postcard: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 3 5) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 19th: Everything you feel about yourself will be confirmed today as you're put through the mill and emerge victorious. Your love life may change this week as everything comes out in the open.

On another note, raisins are a lovely dried up fruit. However, the old man who runs the hairdressers down the road, is not.

Birthdays: Johns Hopkins, financier and philanthropist 1795,Nancy Astor, politician 1879Lorraine Hansberry, playwright 1939,Nora Ephron, screenwriter, director 1841Pete Townshend, musician; composer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: My father walked six miles a day, barefoot through snow, uphill both ways, to get to school. At least that's what he told me the first time I complained about walking a half mile to school.

Years later, my friend, who had recently undergone a colonoscopy, was telling Dad about the pain and pressure that he felt while the camera was in "Neverland". Dad told him, "Camera?Back in the day, my colonoscopy was done by a sketch artist."

A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

He asked the old man, "Do you think you could give me some tips?" The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old man replied, "Sure will."

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. The young man exclaimed. "That's terrific! Got any more tips for me?" The old man said, "Yep, cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old-timer said, "You bet it will," The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player. The cowboy said,  "Wow, I'm learning something here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. The old-timer said, "No, I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up."

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. They said, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. They said, "Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The couple replied, "It doesn't really matter as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

That's it for today, my little tootsie rolls. Remember, if you tip the world over on its side, anything and everything that's illegal, loose or useless will land in Los Angeles. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, May 12, 2017

Remembering Mom On Mother's Day

Mom always allowed we kids a bit of leeway in life. Patience was her virtue. Sister Jeanne was never a problem, but, if I were Mom, I'd have dropped Brother Kirt and I off at an orphanage. Mom persisted, we survived and life continued on.

Sunday is Mother's Day and I find myself reminiscing about picayune squabbling amongst we kids but Mom always turned a deaf ear to these little quarrels...unless it got out of hand.

Mom always had a pine switch nearby and would occasionally use it to show when she meant business. If that didn't work, all she had to say was the dreaded, "Wait until your father gets home." Once Mom told Dad of our bad behavior, the belt came off and we got a whipping.

The best way to stay on the good side of Mom and Dad was to use the obligatory, "Yes sir, no ma'am, please and thank you."  Other than that, life was good.

There were no public displays of anger, fighting or screaming because Mom would quickly cuff us good right there in front of God and everybody.

Entering any establishment, I was instructed to hold onto Mom's dress and hold my brother's hand. He, in turn, would hold my sister's hand. The other instruction was not to touch anything.

Mom and Dad have passed on, yet they live in my heart. I wouldn't have traded my life for anything. Happy Mother's Day to all the lovely caring Mothers everywhere.

The News As I See It: North Korea reported that there was a U.S.-sponsored plot launched against Kim Jong Un. Apparently two CIA agents tried to sneak up on Kim and give him a man’s haircut.

Former President Bill Clinton is collaborating on a novel about a U.S. president who goes missing. Clinton is describing the novel as "part fiction, part alibi."

According to a new reportSenator Bernie Sanders’s wife Jane Sanders is being investigated by the FBI for alleged bank fraud. Even worse, Bernie is being investigated by his local deli for alleged Splenda theft.

This day in 1960, the FDA approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means.

This Date In History: 1870; Manitoba became a province of Canada. 1932The body of Charles and Anne Lindbergh's kidnapped baby was found. 1937Britain’s King George VI was crowned at Westminster Abbey in London.

1943; Axis forces in North Africa surrendered. 1849The Soviet blockade that prompted the Berlin airlift was ended. 1970Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks, swatted his 500th home run. 2002Former president Jimmy Carter became the first U.S. president (in or out of office) to visit Fidel Castro's Cuba.

2008;Tens of thousands killed and thousands injured when a 7.9 magnitude earthquake strikes Sichuan, Gansu, and Yunnan Provinces in western China. 2012;The 2012 World Expo began in Yeosu, South Korea.

Picture Of The Day: It turns out Congresswoman Maxine Waters is not crazy or insane. She's just from another galaxy.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As the horse fell to the barn floor, he quickly pressed his Life Alert, "Help...I've fallen and I can't giddyup !" 2) To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone. 3) I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

4) Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary? Now you're going 80 mph, putting salsa on your taco, while driving with your knees. 5) I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say, "I don't know, do you think I look fat?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 12th: You may be better off taking charge of your own laundry today for reasons that the stars do not make clear. The tension between you and a co-worker may ease today as you suddenly realize you both have a common dislike of your ex-mothers-in-law. Participants at your naked twister parties should at least be made to take off their shoes.

Birthdays: Florence Nightingale, English nurse 1810Henry Cabot Lodge, U.S. Senator 1850Katharine Hepburn, actress 1907Dorothy Crowfoot Hodgkin, chemist, Nobel laureate 1910,Yogi Berra, baseball player 1925Burt Bacharach, composer 1929,George Carlin, comedian 1937Emilio Estevez, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The surgeon said, "You'll be fine," after finishing the blond woman's surgery. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"

The surgeon paused and his face reddened. The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Two guys are sitting in a boat on a lake, fishing and drinking beer, when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. She admonished, "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A wise ass at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'll have to write the exam with your other hand."

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.

She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." To that, the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"

That's it for today, my little tacos. Remember, the human brain starts working the moment you're born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, May 5, 2017

The Alabama Gang At Sunday's Talladega 500

The Nascar Talladega 500 is Sunday and so is my birthday. Brother Kirt and Sister Jeanne sent a much appreciated gift. So, pizza and beer to go with the race and I'm a happy camper. I've known the above champion racers more than 50 years.

The adventure began as a kid watching stock car racing at Hialeah, Medley, Hollywood and West Palm Beach speedways. Later on, we kids became more and more involved with the sport, The featured picture is (from left to right) Nascar Champions and race winners Bobby Allison, brother Donnie Allison and Red Farmer.

Our group of former bike racers produced driving champions Gary Balough, Skip Gibson, Billy Barnwell, Teddy Barnwell, Randy Barnwell, Pete Rintell, Danny Maddox and more. I, myself, drove a couple of times but the discovery of wine, women and song soon ended any thoughts of a racing career.

So Sunday will be a relaxing day watching the exciting Talladega 500 on a 2.66 high bank oval with speeds approaching 200 miles per hour. The sentimental favorite has to be Dale Earnhardt Jr., son of seven time champion Dale Earnhardt Sr, who died in 2001 in a crash at Daytona International Speedway on the last lap of the race.

The News As I See It: An Australian family managed to save the life of a lizard they found at the bottom of their pool by performing CPR on it. Can you imagine putting your lips on a lizard? Then Bill Clinton said, "Yeah, I can." That family revived the lizard by performing CPR for 30 minutes. I give up looking for the TV remote after 25 seconds.

American Airlines announced that they plan on cutting leg room in economy class, while United Airlines announced they’ll be cutting legs. "We are coming down with the beverage cart! Get your legs out of the aisle!"

This Date In History: 1809Mary Kies of South Killingly, Conn., became the first woman to be granted a patent. The patent was for the rights to a technique for weaving straw with silk and thread. 1821; Napoleon Bonaparte died on the island of St. Helena.

18911891 Carnegie Hall (then known as Music Hall) opened in New York City. Peter Tchaikovsky was the guest conductor. 1925John Scopes was arrested in Tennessee for teaching Darwinism.

1961; Alan Shepard became the first American in space. 1981; Bobby Sands of the Irish Republican Army died in a prison hospital on the 66th day of his hunger strike  2004; Pablo Picasso's "Boy with a Pipe" became the most expensive painting ever sold.

Picture Of The Day: ThDale Earnhardt Jr.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 75% of parenting is repeating the same set of instructions over and over using a different kid's name. 2) Every time my girlfriend wakes me up to tell me I'm snoring, we end up having sex. I'm beginning to question whether or not I snore. 3) Just when I think I have my absent mindedness and feeble mind together, I find my missing shoe in the microwave. 4) Never underestimate the power of positive thinking and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around. 5) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 5th: The legend of baked beans may trouble you as last night's meal begins to catch up to you today. Avoid crowded elevators and other close places where an accidental cough or sneeze may cause people to shun you and otherwise create mass panic.

Birthdays: Soren Kierkegaard, philosopher and religious thinker 1813Nellie Bly, journalist 1867Tyrone Power, actor 1914, Arthur L Schawlow, physicist 1921, Tammy Wynette, country singer 1942, Adele, singer 1988.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

The angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad," said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

The angel said, "They don't like that in heaven" The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Walmart either!"

As I was getting into bed, she said, "You’re drunk". I said, "How do you know?" She said, "You live next door."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray that read, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, April 28, 2017

Friday Ramblings

Peaceful protest is an American right, but violent protest is not. As far as I'm concerned, anyone wearing a mask, carrying a potential weapon or committing violence should be arrested on the spot and jailed. Violence is an insult to all Americans who try to abide by the law.

Personally, if I see someone wearing a mask and carrying a weapon, my first thought is my own safety and the safety of others. If he or she approaches me, they will find themselves looking down the business end of my 38 caliber pistol. It's better to be judged by twelve than be carried by six. 

On another note, users have no idea how many pseudo (fake) news sites are on Facebook. They have important sounding names, but most are just opportunists who use ludicrous headlines to lure people to their sites. So that you are aware, most sites advertise and receive income on a pay per click status. The more gullible ofttimes click the ads, et voila, income for the site. Most are untrustworthy and sometimes dangerous.

The News As I See It: Saudi Arabia has been named to the United Nations’ Commission on Women’s Rights. In a related story, Ireland has been named to the UN Commission on Sobriety and Tanning.

President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding.

Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone. Though every day the note just read, "Keep an eye on your father."

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un warned that he might unleash a "super mighty preemptive strike." When she heard, Mrs. Kim Jong-un rolled her eyes and said, "Trust me, I wouldn’t worry about it."

This Date In History: 1788; Maryland became the 7th state in the United States. 1789; Fletcher Christian led the mutiny aboard the British ship Bounty against Captain William Bligh. 1945 Benito Mussolini was executed.

1947; Thor Heyerdahl and five others began their Pacific Ocean crossing on the raft, Kon-Tiki. 1967; Boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the Army. 1992; The U.S. Dept. of Agriculture unveiled its first "food pyramid."

2001; Dennis Tito became the first space tourist. 2004; The Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal first comes to light when graphic photos of U.S. soldiers physically abusing and humiliating Iraqi prisoners were shown on CBS's 60 Minutes II.

Picture Of The Day: A prime example of two thugs who should be arrested and jailed.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One more missile failure and the Acme Corporation is going to lose their North Korea contract.  2) You can have more degrees than a thermometer and still be dumb as shit. 3) A large rabbit was attacked on a United flight. A chubby little man is a suspect. The media tried to reach him for comment but he's being vewy vewy quiet. 4) No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser. 5) When I say "the other day" it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 28th: Hats have always looked good on you. Yep, today is definitely a hat day. Don't trust little birdies, they're renowned liars. Skeletons in your closet are a sign that you have an eventful life and are nothing to be embarrassed about. That is, except that incident with your fourth grade teacher. Keep that one under your hat..

Birthdays: James Monroe, 5th president of the United States 1758, Marie Joseph Chenier, poet and dramatist 1764, Lionel Barrymore, actor 1878, Harper Lee, author 1926 Jay Leno, talk-show host 1950, Penélope Cruz, actress 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bubba, a Kentucky good old boy, decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He goes to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running, reaches the edge and into the wind he goes.

Meanwhile, Ma and Pa were sitting on the porch swing talking when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen. Ma screams, "Look at the size of that bird, Pa." Pa raises up and says," Get my gun, Ma." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "Pa, I think you missed him. Pa replies, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice. "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. The agent demanded "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"

The rancher replied, "Well. there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

The rancher continued, "Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board. I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

The agent said, "That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit." The rancher replied, "That would be me."

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." The farmer said, "What a coincidence, it is a special day for me. I'm celebrating." The woman said, "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!"

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" The woman replied, "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant." The farmer said, "What a coincidence. I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

The woman said, "This is awesome! What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" The farmer said, "I used a different rooster." The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, if you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, legally, they don't have to sell you anything. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, April 21, 2017

I'm Back !

Due to a recent hospital stay, I have not posted. Fear not, as I feel better and look forward to receiving a hospital bill which I will be unable to pay. I'm sure, however, that Obamacare will gladly pick up the tab.

On a serious note, my thanks to all my Facebook and Blogger friends for their well wishes. I had planned to keep the news within the family, but Sister Jean would have none of that and kept people apprised on Facebook. Both Sister Jean and Brother Kirt were there when I needed them and for that I am thankful.

As for Samantha and Scooter.......well, they're cats and as long as there's food and water, they're happy. Gonna keep it short today but I'm back at it and will have more in the next post.

The News As I See It: A recent security purge by Facebook has unintentionally gotten rid of millions of "likes." Just think... all those wasted hours, wasted.

In New York, a Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in his carry-on bag. The pilot was fired from Southwest and immediately hired by United, so we’re all set now.

Door Dash is a food delivery service testing out a new method of delivery that uses robots to bring you your food. They’re offering it in California and Washington, D.C., right now. You use your app, you order food and a robot in some cases will bring it right to you. It even acts surprised when you answer the door naked. It’s an amazing technology.

Former White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest recently said that former President Obama is genuinely concerned about how things are going in the country. In fact, today there was just a hint of sadness in Obama's eye, as he swam up to the bar to smoke a cigarette and order another beer.

This Date In History: 1836; Texan army under Sam Houston defeated Mexicans in the Battle of San Jacinto. 1910; Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), author of the novel Huckleberry Finn, died at the age of 74.

1918; Baron Manfred von Richthofen, the notorious World War I German flying ace known as the "Red Baron," was killed in action today. 1960; Brazil inaugurated its new capital, Brasilia. 1975; South Vietnamese President Nguyen Van Thieu resigned.

1980; Rosie Ruiz was the first woman to cross the finish line at the Boston Marathon. She was later disqualified for cheating. 1995; Timothy McVeigh was arrested in connection with the Oklahoma City bombing. 1997; The ashes of Timothy Leary, Gene Roddenberry, and 22 others blasted into space for the first space funerals.

Picture Of The Day: Here's Jimmy !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that God sneezed and I didn't know what to say. 2) She wanted to name her new baby boy, Greg. The doctor, who once worked as a Barista at Starbucks wrote down "Grork". 3) I've now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I put my glasses. 4) I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Yesterday, at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, "What kind of cigars do you want?" I said, "Uhhh...Give me a dozen 'Itsaboys'."  5) I once got into trouble on a date. I didn't open her car door. Instead, I just swam to the surface.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 21st: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver. You're not, but it's the thought that counts. Today should be good for you but I wouldn't eat any seafood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't go near any, either.

Birthdays: Charlotte Brontë, novelist 1816, John Muir, naturalist 1838, Anthony Quinn, actor 1915, Queen Elizabeth II, English Monarch 1926, Tony Romo, football player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

They went on and on, then the Greek says, "We invented sex." The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

An older woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" Her husband replied,"No, dear, not at all. Our house isn't blue."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two brothers, aged four and six, are talking and the six year old says, "You know, it's about time we started to swear." The four year old says "OK." The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'" The four year old says "OK."

So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?" The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes." WHACK! The kid goes flying across the room.

The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass it's not corn flakes."

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "That my bike."

That's it for today, my little sweet potatoes. Remember,when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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