Friday, May 22, 2015

Remember Why It's Called "Memorial Day"

It's important to remember and teach your children that Memorial Day is not just a three day weekend where everyone has back yard barbecues. It is a day to remember the people who died while serving in America's armed forces.

The federal holiday, which is observed every year on the last Monday of May, was formerly known as Decoration Day and originated after the American Civil War to commemorate the Union and Confederate soldiers who died in the war. By the 20th century, Memorial Day had been extended to honor all Americans who died while in the military service.

So, please enjoy your Memorial Day activities but bear in mind that it comes to you courtesy of the valiant men and women of our armed forces who gave their lives protecting and serving America.

The News As I See It: I was surprised to hear that Hillary Clinton’s Super PAC has reportedly been struggling to raise money. It’s gotten so bad, they may have to start reaching out to Americans instead of foreign countries.

The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, "Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?"

Former "Baywatch" star Pamela Anderson posed naked in the shower for a campaign aimed at saving water in drought-stricken California. And as a bonus, it also reminded people to recycle plastic.

We are now 11 weeks away from the first Republican presidential debate. The debate will be held in a 300-seat theater, so there’ll be almost enough seats for all the candidates.

According to a new poll, one third of Americans believe animals deserve the same rights as people. The other two thirds have cats.

This Date In History: 1455; The first battle in the 30-year War of Roses took place at St. Albans. 1761; The first life insurance policy in the United States was issued in Philadelphia. 1849; Abraham Lincoln received patent number 6469 for his floating dry dock.

1927; An earthquake near Xining, China, measuring 8.3 claimed approximately 200,000 victims. 1947; Harry S. Truman's Doctrine brought aid to Greece and Turkey to combat the spread of Communism. 1972; Ceylon became Sri Lanka.

1972; Richard Nixon arrived in Moscow, becoming the first U.S. president to visit the Soviet Union. 1990; North Yemen and South Yemen merged to form the Republic of Yemen. 1992; Johnny Carson hosted the last episode of his Tonight Show.

2003; The UN Security Council approved a resolution lifting the economic sanctions against Iraq and supporting the U.S.-led administration in Iraq.

2011; At least 140 people are killed and hundreds more injured as a three-quarter-mile-wide tornado hits Joplin, Missouri. The tornado is among the deadliest in the nation's history, destroying nearly a third of the city and damaging about 2,000 buildings, including water treatment and sewage plants.

Picture Of The Day: This is the reality of War. Men and women die serving America.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Brother Kirt had a lot of emotional problems as a child. I remember he used to think he was a chicken. We never said anything about it because we needed the eggs. 2) It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the fourth or the fifth. 3) Instead of neutering my dog, I just make him wear Crocs.

4) I have a doctor friend who worked for 40 years trying to find the cure for Alzheimer's Disease. In the end, he found the cure, but then he forgot it.  5) My friend got some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said, "remove cap and push up bottom." He says he can barely walk, but whenever he passes gas, the room smells freakin' awesome.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeGemini - May 22nd: Today, you will learn that the average male has had 15 sex partners, the average female has had 7 and the average penguin has had one. You will also learn that you're a penguin. The urban term "chillax" is a combination of the slang "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."

Birthdays: Richard Wagner, composer 1813, Mary Cassatt, painter Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, British author and creator of Sherlock Holmes 1859, Sir Laurence Olivier, actor 1907, Betty Williams, peace activist 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12 - Tampax supersize!"

Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and walked home. His truck was there all night. You gotta love George.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A black guy and Murphy go into a pastry shop. The black guy whisks two cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice. The black guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!"

Murphy says to the black guy, "Watch this, any Paddy is smarter than you and I'll prove it to you.

Paddy says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give another cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. Paddy eats this one too.

The baker is getting angry now. He yells, "Okay, where is your famous magic trick?!" Murphy says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"

A man took his wife to the doctor and was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see him. He said, "Mr. Goldblatz, I have good news. Your wife is in good health and the only think she needs for her to be better is to have sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

Mr. Goldblatz said, "Ok, Doc, if you think that will help. I can bring her here on Wednesdays but Saturdays I go fishing, so she'll have to take the bus."

That's it for today, my little petunias. Remember, there's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Johnnie Walker Black scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour and some flavored water.

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Have a great Memorial Day weekend and more on Monday.

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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

School Daze

I'm unsure what elementary schools teach the children nowadays, but back in the day, two memories which I've tried desperately to forget was the doing the Maypole and Square Dancing. The girls seemed to enjoy these activities and the boys hated them.

Hearken back, if you will, to the days of elementary school where, aside from organized activities, boys were more into catching reptiles and insects while the girls were seemingly occupied with whatever little girls do to entertain themselves.

One of my memories was the look on my teacher's face as he watched us attempt to follow his instructions as to how to weave the Maypole. I believe that he has seen better Chinese fire drills.

As for Square Dancing, I must have been a little more proficient in my efforts in that I was selected along with seven other children to perform in front of other classes. Imagine that!

Every day, weather permitting, boys and girls went outside to play for about an hour with the girls playing together and the boys playing together. The only "co-educational" activities I remember was Red Rover and Dodge Ball and even those games were occasionally segregated if the boys got too rough.

I don't recall exactly when we were introduced to the Maypole and square dancing activities but I do remember that it seemed to be a complete waste of play time. I must say, however, that looking back on these activities helped me hone what little skill I have when dealing with the female species.

The News As I See It: KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will stop rioting, looting and burning, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner.

During a charity boxing match last Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield's fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren. 

Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game over the weekend. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.

Obama recently joined Twitter and began with a tweet that read, "Hello, Twitter!" His bio says, "Dad, husband, and president of the United States." He didn’t have to say "Dad." We got that when he tweeted "Hello, Twitter!" His use of the word "President" was typical of a person who never was breast fed as a child.

Jeb Bush said recently that he believes apps on the Apple Watch could help Americans better manage their health care than Obamacare. So there you go. If you can’t afford health care, just buy yourself an Apple Watch.

This Date In History: 1506; Christopher Columbus died in Spain. 1861; North Carolina voted to secede from the Union. 1927; Charles Lindbergh began the first solo nonstop transatlantic flight, departing from Long Island aboard the Spirit of Saint Louis.

1932; Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. 1961; A mob attacked a busload of "freedom riders" in Montgomery, Ala., setting the bus on fire.

1978; Mavis Hutchinson, 53, became the first woman to run across America. The 3,000-mile trek took her 69 days. She ran an average of 45 miles each day.

1996; In a 6-3 vote, the Supreme Court rejected a Colorado measure banning laws that protect homosexuals from discrimination. 2002; East Timor became the newest nation.

Picture Of The Day: My medical advice of the day.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Look, if you really need a Heimlich maneuver, just ask me nicely. Enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit. 2) One of my white lies was telling my daughters that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage. 3) It's nothing serious, we just going out together most mornings for brunch. We're Friends with Benedict. 4) Men developed the Theory of Relatively, walked on the moon and painted the Mona Lisa, yet are still baffled by bra hooks. 5) No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I'd just go to Sears.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - May 20th: Stick to you diet this week. It will pay off in the long run. By the way, if you happen to hear the Pink Panther song playing when you sneak down the hall for a midnight snack, you're breaking the diet.

Birthdays: William Thornton, architect 1759, Dolley Madison, Americn First Lady 1768, Honoré de Balzac, novelist 1799, John Stuart Mill, philosopher 1806, James Stewart, actor 1908, Moshe Dayan, military leader 1915, Cher, actress, pop star 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse."

The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you? Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight."

Sean says, "That little shit, O'Conner? He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand." Paddy says,"That he did. A shovel is what he had and a terrible licking he gave me with it."

Sean says, "You should have defended yourself! Didn't you have something in your hand?" Paddy says, ''That I did. It was Mrs. O'Conner's right breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, it's considered tacky to take a beer cooler to church. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Monday, May 18, 2015

A Midsummer Night's Dream?

I had the coolest dream last night. It began with the usual suspects, family members, friends, ex-wives, girlfriends and the like, but I ended up in a nightclub with all of the past comedians of yesterday for the evening.

It was so surreal, drinking and hobnobbing with the likes of George Burns, Henny Youngman, Jack Benny, Shecky Green and others. It was the first time that I can ever remember waking up laughing.

Oddly enough, I was just one of the guys and everyone referred to me by my first name. I actually thought it was real until I woke up. A very pleasant experience

Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's fate was decided by a jury last week and the decision was that he will be put to death. I have mixed emotions as to his ultimate demise. My personal belief is that the jury's decision was correct, but nothing would please me more than to deny his martyrdom and watch him rot in prison for the rest of his life. Either way, it's in God's hands now.

We lost a few good ones last week. Blues master B.B.King died at the age of 89 after a series of mini strokes. Garo Ypremian, kicker for the 1972 undefeated Miami Dolfins died at the age of 70 after a lengthy illness. Both will be missed.

The News As I See It: Obama was not feeling well this weekend and concerned about his mortality, consulted a well-known psychic about the date of his demise.

The psychic closed her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she found the answer. She said, "You will die on a Jewish holiday."

Obama asked nervously, "Which one? The psychic replied, "It doesn't matter. Whenever you die, it will become a Jewish holiday."

A man in Florida was arrested for wearing an Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.

This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."

1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power.

1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years. 1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over.

2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse. 2003; President Megawati Sukarnoputri of Indonesia declared martial law and sent 30,000 troops into Aceh.

2004; Randy Johnson, age 40, became the oldest pitcher to throw a perfect game. 2004; Sonia Gandhi stunned her party, the Indian National Congress, by refusing to accept the prime ministership of India.

Picture Of The Day: Samantha seems like sleeping on my computer keyboard so much, I came up with an idea to kill two birds with one stone.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What I said was, "Just a trim, please." What barber must have heard, "Give me the Kim Jong-un." 2) "Stay out of the heat and stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It's my first summer. 3) My girlfriend's been having a problem with diarrhea. The doctor told her lemons would help. Maybe so, but I'm betting that as soon as she takes one out, it will start again. 4) I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups. 5) When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized cowboys didn't have toilet paper with aloe.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - May 18th: Ten people will confess a manic love for you this week. And to think, one in twelve people that read this horoscope will find the same to be true. Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Oh sure! Just me?

Birthdays: My son Kevin - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philospher 1872, Walter Gropius, architect 1883, Ezio Pinza, singer 1892, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope, successor of John Paul I, 1920, Reggie Jackson, baseball player 1946, Chow Yun-Fat, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: (Operator): "911" (Me): "My wife is going into labor, what do I do?" (Operator): "Relax sir, is this her first born?" (Me): "No, this is her husband."

A Roadway truck driver is driving east on Route 66 and he sees another truck driving west. The CB crackles to life and a voice "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest assholes in America?" The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says, "You and your brother."

The Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke. Tell it to the next truck you see." The Roadway driver goes for about an hour and finally sees another truck.

He gets on the CB and says, "Hey trucker, do you know who the two biggest assholes in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies, "Me and my brother."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks delighted and says, "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! His friend says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"

The farmer said, "He just gave him some pills'." His friend asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. The Coroner asked, "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Vern replied, "Yes, sir, that's correct."

The Coroner said, "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Vern asked, "Was it a Titleist 3?" The Coroner answered, "Yes, it was." Vern said, "That was my mulligan."

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, May 15, 2015

Movie Theaters Are Going To The Dogs

I don't go to movie theaters because they're nasty, sell over-priced crap and are full of morons who do not understand that the actors cannot hear you when you talk to them on the movie screen. The lack of decent movies is also disconcerting.

Back in the day, the theaters seemed to be cleaner and people who made too much noise were politely escorted out of the theater. It's been a while, but I can remember being able to get a hot dog, a soft drink and popcorn for under $2.00.

As a kid, the movies were a treat and since there were only two theaters within bicycling distance, we rarely checked to see what was playing. It was an all day affair complete with the Movietone news, cartoons, the weekly serial and the current movie.

It was as an adult that my movie going desires waned. The caliber of people changed and manners went out the window. The advent of cable and rental movies only gave me more the reason not to go.

If I were to return to going to the movies, I would make some changes in pricing which I believe would enhance everyone's viewing pleasure.

My suggested movie theater prices are: Adults - $10, Teenagers - $50, Under 12 - $ 6 and Under 3 - $249.00. The teenage price would change when it's a moronic movie with an implausible plot, impossible explosions and crash scenes and zombies. In that case, the entrance price would be free because few adults attend and it keeps the little morons off the streets.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton's younger brother, Tony, is facing criticism for using the Clintons’ political connections to help his career. So on the down side, she has a sketchy brother named Tony. On the up side, she just locked up every vote in New Jersey. It turns out Hillary's brother could damage her campaign. But then Jeb Bush said, "I think we all get a pass on who our brothers are."

They’re making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date, called "Southside With You." The producers say they’ve already cast someone to play young Obama. They're just waiting for him to get out of a Chicago prison.

The White House is weighing in on the deflate-gate scandal. This week they encouraged Tom Brady to "be mindful of the way he serves as a role model." Then Obama put out his cigarette and went golfing at noon. Obama would’ve said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.

Kim Jong Un reportedly had his defense chief executed after he fell asleep during a meeting. Not only did they execute him, they shot him with an anti-aircraft gun. I'd like to see Kim Jong Un be hired to become a judge on "American Idol." Kim Jong Un is lie "Catch-22". If you close your eyes, you get shot for nodding off. If you open them, you get shot for laughing at his haircut.

This Date In History: 1862; The U.S. Department of Agriculture was created by an act of Congress on this day. 1911; The Standard Oil Company, headed by John D. Rockefeller, was ordered dissolved by the Supreme Court, under the Sherman Antitrust Act.

1918; The first air mail route in the U.S. was established between New York and Washington, DC, with a stop at Philadelphia. 1930; On a Boeing Air Transport flight between Oakland and Chicago, Ellen Church became the first airline stewardess.

1940; Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the United States. 1972; Alabama Governor George Wallace was shot and crippled as he campaigned for the presidency. 1988; The Soviet Union began to withdraw its estimated 115,000 troops from Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: The movie theaters of yore were fun and family oriented.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it's a Chinese product that's lasted more than a month. 2) My cat Samantha ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow her around the house because it's her turn. 3) When I see a young guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from break dancing. 4) My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them. 5) I think that the "till death do us part" of wedding vows should be reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served ..... and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - May 15th: Don't embarrass yourself this week when the dentist puts that paper bib on you. They will not bring you lobster. You will have a lucky weekend. Remember, serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.

Birthdays: Claudio Monteverdi, composer 1567, Lyman Frank Baum, author 1856, Pierre Curie, French Scientist  1859, Katherine Anne Porter, author 1890, Richard Joseph Daley, political leader 1902, James Mason, actor 1909, Paul A. Samuelson, economist 1915, Richard Avedon, photographer 1923, Jasper Johns, artist 1930, Madeleine Albright, government official 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor. "It's terrible, I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?"

Aunt Cora replied, "Yes, I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Cora replied, "Of course! I take a magazine."

A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh."

Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus.

Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says, "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt, please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life you terrible bitch'."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to day;s stories.

The IRS sent back the Tax Return to a man in New York City after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote: "20.1 million illegal immigrants, 10.1 million crack-heads, 40.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 850 prisons plus 450 idiots in the White House and Congress and a group that call themselves Politicians."

The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable. The man's response back to IRS was...."Who did I leave out?"

The old prospector woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old lady, laughed and said, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?" The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and innocently replied, "No, I never have danced. Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, old lady, you're gonna dance now" and started shooting at the old woman's feet. The old woman, not wanting to get her toes blown off and started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When the young gunslinger's last bullet had been fired, he holstered his six-shooter and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watch as the young gunmen stared at the old woman and the large, gaping hole of the shotgun's twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and replied, "No Ma'am, but I've always wanted to....."

That's it for today, my little bronc busters. Remember, Miranda rights should be substituted for wedding vows, verbatim. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Political Correctness - Warning: Some Material May Be Unsuitable For The Hard Of Understanding

Political correctness is fostered by a delusional group and promoted by the mainstream media, who believe that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.

Politicians, from Obama down to the local politicians in the cities and towns across America, have been reduced to spinning the truth to fit their needs and rarely address any point that doesn't conveniently serve their interests. Most are unqualified to run any successful corporation or business.

Americans are becoming forced to tiptoe around controversial subjects like the recent violence and looting in some cities or attacks by radical Islamic terrorists lest they offend the perpetrators.

In the interim, these same criminals and thugs blatantly cry "Death To America" or "Kill the Police" without fear of repercussion.

Obama and other politicians walk softly around these subjects and Obama's friendship with the race-baiting Al Sharpton only makes him look more incompetent, worsening the black-white racial divide.

While Obama will not call ISIS and others "radical Islamic" terrorists, he's Johnny-on-the-spot  to point out what he considers racial injustice. Worse yet, while his foreign policies fail, he's the first to congratulate a black NFL draftee for coming out of the closet.

Sooner or later, more and more Americans will arm themselves from these criminals and the results won't be pretty. Then again, maybe the government will begin to prosecute the criminals instead of making excuses for them. Time will tell.....

The News As I See It: Barbara Walters admitted to stealing an artifact from the White House. She said, "I was young, and I didn't think President Lincoln would mind."

The U.S. unemployment rate is the lowest it's been in nearly seven years. The job sector that has seen the most growth is in the field of Republican presidential candidates.

A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, "Hey, both of those games went into overtime."

The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games over deflate-gate. They're going to punish him by making him stay home in his mansion with his supermodel wife and think about what he did wrong.

Kanye West's ex-girlfriend accused him of using ghost writers to come up with his music. Kim Kardashian defending Kanye by saying, "He doesn't even know any ghosts. And even if he did, how could they pick up the pencil with their ghost hands?"

This Date In History: 1568; Mary Queen of Scots was defeated at the Battle of Langside and immediately fled to North England. 1846; The United States formally declared war on Mexico after several days of fighting.

1938; Louis Armstrong and his orchestra recorded the New Orleans's jazz classic, "When the Saints Go Marching In", on Decca Records. 1940; Winston Churchill gave his first speech as prime minister: "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat."

1973; Tennis male chauvinist Bobby Riggs defeated Margaret Smith Court, 6-2, 6-1 in front of a world-wide television audience. He would lose to Billie Jean King later that year. 1981; Pope John Paul II was shot and wounded by Mehmet Ali Agca as he drove through a crowd in St. Peter's Square, Rome.

Picture Of The Day: Cell phone history. Add your own caption.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) After having lived in terror all these years, Gloria Estefan's threat finally came true. I turned on my car radio and was brutally attacked by the rhythm. 2) For the past two nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I'm terrified to write to Web MD about this 'cause I'm too old to have kittens.

3) I've learned a lot about women over the years. For example, if you're going to the hospital for a gunshot wound and she asks for tampons, you'd better stop on the way. 4) My auto-correct turned "likeable" into "lickable" and the new intern is confused by her evaluation, but I'll bet she's smiling. 5) When you are dating, farting is not an issue. When you are married, make sure there’s nothing flammable near your wife at all times.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - May13th: There's a good chance that you may meet a very interesting person this week which may lead to love. For the women, the kind male face you've always admired could pass your way.

For the men, the girl of your dreams may notice you. But beware. The face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged, masculine features. If she is menstruating, however, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple.

Birthdays: Maria Theresa, queen of Bohemia and Hungary 1717, Henry William Stiegel, iron and glass manufacturer 1729, Sir Arthur Sullivan,  composer 1842, Georges Braque, painter 1882,  Joe Louis, American world champion boxer 1914, Harvey Keitel, actor 1939, Stevie Wonder, singer, composer, producer 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is and how do you do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too.' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

Three kids were out riding their bikes one afternoon when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens. The three kids noticed a Dalmatian on the front seat of the fire engine. The first boy said, "They use that dog to keep the crowds back."

The second boy said, "No, he’s just for good luck." The third kid knew better. He said, "No, that’s not it. The dog is there to give them directions to the nearest fire hydrant!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

An old drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

The drunk mumbles, "Yessh! Ssomebody sstole my car." The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" The drunk replies, "It wasss on the end of thisshh key."

About that time the cop looks down and sees the drunk's manhood hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out, "Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!"

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows. The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

This went on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

I remember once getting on a plane to go skiing at Heaven Valley in Lake Tahoe. I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York and send the other one to Lake Tahoe." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last year!"

That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, if you tip the world over on its side, anything and everything that's illegal, loose or useless will land in Washington D.C. or Los Angeles. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !