Going To Home Depot Over The Years

You're in the middle of some kind of project around the house - planting a lawn, putting in a new fence, whatever. You're hot and sweaty and covered in dirt or paint. You have old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you do one of the following:

In your 20's: You stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.

In your 30's: You stop what you're doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Add a shot of cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a sweatshirt that's long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you think she's hot.

In your 50's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait Shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's: You stop what you're doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.

In your 70's: You stop what you're doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. You don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's and beyond: You stop what you're doing, start again and then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you're looking for. You fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. What is a Home Deep Hoe? Who farted?

The News As I See It: House Minority Leader and resident bitch Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she's keeping her lips sealed. That's probaly because that's how the last plastic surgeon left them. Pelosi is using the Internet to gather more dirt on Gingrich. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com.

Olive Garden announced they're undergoing a makeover to try to increase business. They're so desperate they're even considering serving Italian food.

A Florida man was recently arrested for taking up-skirt shots at Wal-Mart. It will come to trial as soon as they can find 12 jurors willing to look at up-skirt shots of Wal-Mart shoppers.

Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $2,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news, we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket". It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken livers.

This Date In History: 1880; Thomas Edison was granted a patent for his incandescent light. 1944; The Soviets announced the end of the two-year siege of Leningrad. 1945; The Russians liberated Auschwitz concentration camp, where the Nazis had killed over 1.5 million people, including over 1 million Jews.

1951; The U.S. Air Force started atomic testing in the Nevada desert. 1967; The Apollo I fire killed astronauts Grissom, White, and Chaffee during a simulated launch at Cape Canaveral. 1973; Vietnam War peace accords were signed in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: Not much room for pictures today. Don't fret, there weren't that many that were good anyway. I'll show you the ones that were on Monday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. 2) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f*ck happened. 3) Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "your account's overdrawn." 4) I went to Sears the other day to buy some camouflage fishing pants, but I couldn't find any (Wait for it....). 5) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 27th: The weather looks good for a fine day assuming that you always keep an umbrella with you. Don't laugh, it worked for Mary Poppins. If you're going to happy hour, stay away from the bean dip. Chance of romance is 56.18 percent.

Birthdays: My friend Tammy - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Wolfgang Mozart, Austrian Composer 1756, Lewis Carroll, writer 1832, Samuel Gompers, labor leader 1850, Jerome Kern, composer 1885, Hyman G. Rickover, admiral 1900, Samuel C.C. Ting, physicist 1936, Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancer 1948, John G. Roberts, Jr., jurist 1955, Frank Miller, artist, writer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Farmer John, who lived way out in the country, had a speech impediment. He finally got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he picked up the phone and cranked his first call.

A woman answered and said, "Operator." John said, "Hello Operator, "Gimme fi, fi, free, one, fi, please." The operator said, "Excuse me?" John said, "I wanna talk ta fi, fi, free, one, fi." The operator said, "Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that." Farmer John said, "Oh, just shtick it up yer ash!", and slammed the phone down.

The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. Farmer John said, "Yesh, I yam." The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

Without saying a word, Farmer John walked to the telephone and cranked the phone. A woman answered, "Operator." Farmer John said, "Are yew the lady I told ta stick dis telephone up her ash?" Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I certainly am!" Farmer John said, "Well, get ready. They're bringin' it in."

Thousands of illegal immigrants continue to rally across the country, demanding a path to citizenship. Don't they understand that we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian said, "I rubbed fine olive oil all over my wife, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes." The Frenchman said, "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Englishman said, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours." The others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" The Englishman replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Al answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

Third grade teacher Miss Crabtree said to little Sammy, "You're late again, Sammy, for the third time this month." Little Sammy said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Daddy sleeps naked."

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. Sammy said, "Miss Crabtree, we have a coyote that's been coming to our ranch. The past few nights it killed and ate three hens and it also killed Mom's best milk goat!"

Little Sammy went on, "Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and told Mom that the coyote was back and he was going to get him! He told all us kids to stay back! There he was, shotgun double cocked, naked as a jaybird, no boots, no shirt and no pants! He crawled right up to the chicken coop and stuck that double barrel shotgun right through the window.

As he stared into the dark coop with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, snuck up behind Daddy. Then, old Zeke stuck his cold nose up the crack of Daddy's ass and we've been cleaning chickens since three o'clock this morning!"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

That's it for today, my little tootsie rolls. Remember, on the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key. Thank God it's Friday! I'm going to happy hour at AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Obama State Of The Union Drinking Game

Ah yes, the State of the Union address. Aside from the usual rhetoric, a lot of people played drinking games as they listened first to Obama propaganda followed immediately by the GOP propagandized response. "Fair share" was a killer for those playing the game last night.

Either way, Obama got his point across with his usual swag, so that’s why they came up with a drinking game that made his speech a little bit more exciting. Obama is known for his most common terms like, "Make no mistake" or "Let me be clear".

So, everyone takes shots of their favorite beverage according to the list of phrases, terms, words and occurrences that took place as Obama spoke.

The State of the Union is just a speech in which Republican and Democrats make it clear which party they are with and what they support. In the drinking game, you tell every one of them to go to hell with every drink you take while looking out for the really important parts like buzz words and politicians sleeping.

Last night's phrases were, "Fair, divisive, the middle-class, working men and women, we’ve made great progress, creating jobs, let’s finish the job, put Americans back to work, the wealthiest among us and bipartisan.

If your game also included the words, "Me or I", chances are you were hammered by the end of the evening. If your drinking game had the words, "nine percent unemployment rate, Presidential or Congressional rating, Solyndra, illegal immigration or Operation Fast and Furious", you were probably the designated driver for the rest of the drunks.

The News As I See It: Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love.

In California, some Starbucks stores have begun selling beer and wine. When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, "Because sober people don't buy Michael Jackson CDs.

Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He's coming home and he's not in a good mood. Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, saying Newt isn't perfect, but who is? To which Donald Trump said, "I am!"

Obama was in Disney World and someone asked if he was going to take a picture with Grumpy and Obama said, "Ron Paul is here? Where is he?" Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looked good, which explains why Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.

This Date In History: 1890; Nellie Bly bested Jules Verne's Around the World in 80 Days by completing her circumnavigation in 72 days. 1890; United Mine Workers of America was founded. 1915; Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated transcontinental telephone service.

1924; The first Winter Olympic games opened at Chamonix, France. 1961; President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference carried live on radio and television. 1971; Charles Manson was found guilty of murdering Sharon Tate and six others.

Picture Of The Day: This picture has nothing to do with today's entry, I just liked it and I hope you do as well. Oh, and the picture with the two red things are "Cherry Tomatoes."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?" 2) Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain. 3) If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday? 4) I'm not complaining, but I have no idea how women can wear thong panties. 5) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?.....and that's five!

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 25th: Assuming you don't have a hangover from playing Obama State of the Union drinking games last night, today will probably be a great day. Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see and you'll be fine. Chance of romance is 33.76 percent.

Birthdays: My pal Bruce - Happy Birthday Bud! 19XX, Joseph Louis Lagrange, mathematician and astronomer 1736, Robert Burns, poet 1759, George Edward Pickett, Confederate general 1825, W. Somerset Maugham, writer 1874, Virginia Woolf, English writer 1882, Corazon Aquino, politician 1933, Eusebio, soccer player 1942, Steve Prefontaine, runner 1951, Alicia Keys, singer, songwriter 1981, Tatiana Golovin, tennis player 1988.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No!", and the man drank beer and caroused with women and stayed out late and used the guest towels and farted at will and didn't put the toilet seat down and lived happily ever after.

Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!" The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the "F" word." Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" The woman said, "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. He said, "I've never heard of that condition before. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman replied, "Pepper!"

A woman was complaining to her girlfriend, "I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and guys just don't seem interested in me. I don't know what's wrong with me." Her girlfriend said, "You know what? I know a Chinese doctor that can help you," So, her friend gave her the doctor's address and the next day she went to see him.

The woman tells the doctor what her problem is and the doctor says, "Take off your crows." The woman asks, "What, what did you say?" The doctor repeated, "Take off your crows", motioning for her to take off her clothes. The doctor continued, "Ok, now craw to the window." The doctor said, "Craw to the window", as he got down on all fours to show her what he meant. So she crawled to the window. The doctor said, "Now craw back to me" he says motioning her to come back.

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Ah-ha! I know what your problem is." The woman anxiously says, "Well, doctor, what is it?" The doctor says, "You have Ed Zachary disease." The woman asks, "What is Ed Zachary disease?" The doctor says, "Your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass."

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."

The old man continued, "I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty 'ROARRR!'.... I shit my pants." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''".

That's it for today, my little rosebuds. Remember, be an optimist, at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral. It's hump day! Let's go to happy hour in AREA51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Everyone Was Young Once - Part II (and then they got older)

On Friday, I spoke about one's fleeting youth and as most of us know, some of us age gracefully while others, not so much. Time takes it's toll and one day we realize that we're getting older. One of the first signs of growing old is when one is referred to as "Sir" or "Madam."

On the other hand, the memories that one has stored in one's mind is like a virtual plethora of ongoing YouTube videos that cannot be shared with anyone, except through conversation or writing. It is the reason why older people usually have more interesting stories than younger people. Experience is the best teacher one could ever have.

Fortunately for most of us, there are a few memories that remained permanently sealed in our minds, which prevent awkward situations like indictments, arrests, law suits, paternity suits and being beaten up by a jealous spouse. The latter is one one of the reasons I use the word "Printable" in the "Printable Things I Never Told You" section of my Journal.

Celebrities also age, as we know, and no matter how much dye one puts in one's hair or how many face lifts and tummy tucks one has gone through, age is difficult to hide. With that in mind, today's pictures by the photoshop gang show us what some of today's celebrities may look in a few years.

The News As I See It: There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.

According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren't even aware Congress is doing a job.

An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets.

Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States and also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones.

Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.
Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago.

The National Enquirer says that the father of Khloe Kardashian is O.J. Simpson. When reached for comment, O.J. said, "Man, I just cannot catch a break."

This Date In History: 1556; The deadliest earthquake on record killed 830,000 in Shansi, China. 1789; Georgetown University established in what is now Washington, DC. 1849; Elizabeth Blackwell became the first woman physician in the U.S.

1964; The 24th Amendment to the Constitution, barring poll taxes, was ratified. 1968; North Korea seized the U.S. Navy ship Pueblo (the crew was released 11 months later.) 1973; President Nixon announced that an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War.

1989; Salvador Dali died in Spain at age 84. 2002; Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped by the National Movement for the Restoration of Pakistani Sovereignty. 2004; Bob Keeshan, "Captain Kangaroo," died at age 76.

Picture Of The Day: Aging celebrities from the minds of the the photoshop gang. I purposely left out any female pictures because they destroy the images, faces and figures which I have permanently etched in my mind.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I rarely worry where the subject matter will come from for my next journal entry. Deep down, I know I can always rely on a politician shooting himself in the foot. 2) Why is it that the people with the ugliest feet always the ones wearing flip-flops? 3) All men see in only 16 colors, just like Windows default color settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 4) If a thief was being given a lie detector test and he lied, would his pants catch on fire? 5) My friend told he he was going to a wild, sexy costume party next week and I asked him what costume he would wear. He told me that he's going as Abe Lincoln because his last four scores were seven years ago.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 23rd: Mondays are a pain, but you've got a job and that's what's important. The batchelor of arts degree you have will move you from the deep fryer to MacDonalds manager soon. Chances of romance are 91.5 percent. Those teenaged employees at work are a cinch.

Birthdays: Stendhal, writer 1783, Camilla Collett, novelist, essayist, and literary critic 1813, Edouard Manet, French Painter 1832, Sergei Eisenstein, filmmaker 1898 Django Reinhardt, jazz musician 1910, Potter Stewart,Associate Justice 1915, Gertrude B. Elion, pharmacologist 1918, Ernie Kovacs actor, comedian 1919, Jeanne Moreau, actress 1928, Derek Walcott, dramatist and poet 1930, Princess Caroline of Monaco, royalty 1957, Tiffani Thiessen, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?"

Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff." Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Obama walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."

After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. The father asks, "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" The man replies, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?" The man answers, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man looks at his watch and says, "Hmmm....damned thing must be an hour fast."

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her. In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed one of his wife's bunny slippers and placed it over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

That's it for today my little movie stars. Remember, don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Everyone Was Young Once

I happened to overhear a young woman make a remark to her girlfriend about a rather matronly but pretty older woman. Incensed, I told the young girl that the older woman was a knockout back in the day and that she should hope she looks that good when she got older.

The young woman seemed a bit taken aback by my remark. I asked her if she had seen the changes that Britney Spears has gone through over the last six or seven years. She muttered that Britney had gained a lot of weight. I told her that it happens to most people as they aged. I said that sooner or later, someone might make the same remark about you.

She seemed to get my drift and told me that she was only joking. I told her that life is like playing on a baseball team. You start in the minor league, move up to the major league and have a stretch as a success. As time goes by, they start moving you to lesser positions, then you go to the bench for a few more years. After that, you hopefully retire with a pension.

The bottom line? Be kind and treat people like you would want to be treated. Enjoy each day and live it like it was your last. One day, it will be.....

Happy Ninetieth Birthday to actress Betty White!

The News As I See It: A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.

To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works.

A man was found murdered in his home in California over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes and the dead man had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.

Obama was in Disney World where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties. Obama chose Disney World because it was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better.

Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for president...at least not again.

There's a new Facebook app that lets you post a message after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision.

Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words "Obama" and "well done" appeared in the same sentence.

The first couple of episodes of "American Idol" are usually the highest rated of the season. There's just something magical about watching people with dreams beyond their talent going on national TV and having those dreams crushed.

This Date In History: 1801; John Marshall was appointed Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court 1841; As a result of the First Opium War, Hong Kong was ceded to the British. 1942; The Nazis formulated their "Final Solution" regarding the Jews at the Wannsee Conference.

1964; The Beatles released their first album in the United States, Meet the Beatles. 1981; President Reagan became the oldest president to take office (69 years and 349 days). 1981; Fifty two American hostages seized from the American Embassy in Tehran were released after 444 days in captivity.

Picture Of The Day: You gotta love the size of that dawg!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend and I were discussing trends on sex, marriage, and values. My friend said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I said, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?" 2) What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about? 3) When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W. 4) I had amnesia once - maybe twice. 5) All I ask is a chance to prove that hitting the lottery can't make me happy.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 20th: Fridays are for good times, so let your hair down and go for it. If you're going to the local pub, just remember, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Chances of romance are 71.6 percent. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Birthdays: Richard Henry Lee, political leader 1732, Walter Piston, composer and teacher 1894, George Burns, actor, comedian 1896, Joy Adamson, writer and conservationist 1910, Federico Fellini, filmmaker 1920, DeForest Kelley, actor 1920, Buzz Aldrin (Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Jr.), American astronaut 1930, David Lynch, filmmaker 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Well, now I know where to find my hearing aid."

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Laurie and Skip for their contributions to today's stories.

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your ass is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your ass is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. He said, "Yes, I was right, your ass is two inches wider than the barbecue!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. The man says, "What's wrong?" She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. She asked, "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"The shepherd looked puzzled but agreed.

Out of the blue, she blurts out "57!" He was stunned but kept his word and allowed her to pick out a sheep. She picked out the cutest one. He looked at her and said, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

A farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what’s that under your arm?" The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." The ticket agent said, "We don’t allow animals in the theater."

The irritated old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

Mildred whispered, "Marge, I think this guy next to me is a pervert." Marge replied, "What makes you think that?" Mildred whispered, "He unzipped his pants and is exposing himself."

Marge said, "Well, don’t worry about it, At our age we’ve seen them all." Mildred said, "Yeah, but this one is eating my popcorn."

That's it for today my little bean sprouts. Remember, Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf". I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

A Thank You Note From Japan

My pal Garnett sent me a video about the aftermath of the Tsunami in Japan last year and it really moved me. I have no idea how recent this video is, but just like Old Timer's disease, I meet new friends every day so it's new to me.

The enormity of such a severe catastrophe was devastating to watch and I shudder to think of how those poor people managed to cope with the injuries and death in the disaster. This video is about the rebuilding of the cities and the lives of the survivors. In short, it is a thank you note to the world for all the help they received.



Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling: Let's say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings. What do you think you should do? Raise the ceilings or pump out the shit? Your choice is coming November 2012.

The News As I See It: Obama will be going to Disney World where he'll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland? Of course, it's going to be awkward when he walks into the "Hall of Presidents" and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.

Newt Gingrich released an ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well, Romney is not the only one. John Huntsman speaks Chinese. Rick Perry, of course, speaks gibberish.

Jon Huntsman dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.

John Edwards' trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition.

If you live in New York City, Burger King, home of the Whopper, now delivers. Think about it. Some nights you just don't have the energy to get all dressed up and go out to dinner at Burger King.

One of the products unveiled at the Consumers Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think "on", it turns on the TV. When you stop thinking completely, it turns on "Jersey Shore."

This Date In History: 1733; The first polar bear was exhibited in America, in Boston. 1778; Captain James Cook became the first European to visit the Sandwich Islands (Hawaii). 1782; Daniel Webster was born in Salisbury, New Hampshire.

1788; The First Fleet, carrying convicts and sheep, arrived in Australia's Botany Bay. 1912; The ill-fated Scott expedition reached the South Pole, only to discover Amundsen had been there first. 1943; The Nazi siege of Leningrad was broken.

Picture Of The Day: Butterflies have always fascinated me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Having sex with her is just like a rock concert. We yell and cheer and when she wants an encore, she flicks her lighter. Sometimes I have to tell her that Elvis has left the building. 2) The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. 3) I met her in a revolving door and I've been going around with her ever since. 4) When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "He's two" will do just fine. He's not wine or cheese and I didn't really care in the first place. 5) Just once I'd like to see the local TV news interview someone at a crime scene who wasn't surprised the crime occurred in a neighborhood like theirs.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 18th: This week may cause some problems for you as your secrets are shared across the Internet. Today might be the day when you get stuck in a hole with a dwarf. Remember all the research you did into dwarf habits in order to prevent mental breakdown?

You have your Southern folk and you have your Northern folk. Which one you are is probably not of consequence, because you're stranger than most. Chances of romance are high, around 69.7 percent if you're from up north, 73.2 percent if you're from Dixie.

Birthdays: Sister Jeanne's birthday is tomorrow - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Montesquieu, jurist and political philosopher 1689, Peter Roget, lexicographer 1779, Daniel Webster, American Statesman 1782, Joseph Glidden, inventor 1813, A.A. Milne, author 1882, Oliver Hardy, actor 1892, Cary Grant, actor 1904, Danny Kaye, actor, singer, comedian 1913, Kevin Costner, actor, filmmaker 1955, Elke Clijsters, tennis player 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer bought a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. He put the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?" The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck "Go!" and the old rooster took off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and Boom! He shoots the young rooster. He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife, "Son of a bitch! That's third gay rooster I had to shoot this week!"

The owner of small business was confused about how much he should pay for an invoice, which included a volume discount. So he decided to ask his blonde secretary. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college, and I need some help. If I were to give you $7,525 minus 12.5% for a discount, how much would you take off?" She paused briefly and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth. The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but she'll have to take the bus on the other days because I play golf."

A sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "Skipper, a special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here." The captain ordered, "Read it to me!"

The sailor began reading nervously, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy." The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"

A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?"

That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, the only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !