Friday, June 23, 2017

Brothers


A man stumbles to a bar and asks for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama."

The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

The News As I See It: Following losses in two special elections, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, "We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center." Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit and several democrats yelled. "Bingo!"

A Muslim model has become the first woman to appear in a hijab on the cover of Allure magazine. She also appears in a fashion spread entitled, "Ten Hot Looks for When You’re Detained at the Airport."

Ikea recently announced that it will be launching a candle collection, because what goes together better than Ikea furniture and an open flame?

It's amazing that that Dennis Rodman is visiting North Korean leader Kim Jong Un again. It's even more amazing that they are friends, especially considering Kim Jong Un doesn’t speak English and Dennis Rodman doesn’t speak English.

This Date In History: 1868; Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for an invention he called a ''Type-Writer.'' 1947; The Senate overrode President Truman's veto of the Taft-Hartley Act. 1969; Warren Burger was sworn in as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

1972; Richard Nixon and H. R. Haldeman discussed ways to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation. Revelation of this conversation spurred on Nixon's 1974 resignation. 1992; Mobster John Gotti was sentenced to life in prison.

1995; Dr. Jonas Salk, the medical pioneer who developed the first polio vaccine, died. 2003; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the University of Michigan's School of Law affirmative action policy.

Picture Of The Day: Many mango seasons ago.....



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One of the few joys in life is seeing a barefooted kid step on his own Lego. 2) When someone's telling you a horrible story and they're crying, how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog? 3) If there isn't a Chinese millionaire that has changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don't see the point of money. 4) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history, but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options.  5) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 23rd: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. The story of the tortoise and the hare will make you rethink things the coming week. Don't worry, the tortoise still wins because the hare doesn't read fairy tales.

Birthdays: Edward VIII king of Great Britain and Ireland 1894, Alan Turing computer scientist 1912, Wilma Rudolph Track and Field 1940, James Levine music director 1943, Clarence Thomas associate justice 1948, Frances McDormand actress 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. The doctor says, "Impossible! Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? The young woman replied, "Well, no, I'm actually a blonde." The doctor said, "I thought so. Your finger is broken."

The married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 4 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 2 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted and remarks, "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

His friend says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer replied, "He just gave him some pills'" His friend asks,  "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

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That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, June 16, 2017

Screw PC - Tell It Like It Is !


I believe in peaceful protest, but if you approach me wearing a gas mask to disguise your identity, a bat-like weapon in one hand and a rock in the other hand, I believe I will shoot you. I will automatically assume you want trouble and I will oblige.

Peaceful protests should be allowed with the understanding that wearing masks and/or carrying any weapons mean immediate arrest, fines and jail time. It's time to quit mollycoddling these assholes and take the streets back for the peaceful good people of America.

I won't go into detail as to my feelings about protesters and thugs who block traffic for a supposed cause, sometimes throwing objects at the cars they force to stop. I will tell you that I have a solution to that problem and the word "braking" is not a part of it.

The era of political correctness is gone. Police should assemble en masse and take out any and all protesters who loot, destroy property and injure people.

The News As I See It: An 18-year-old field -goal kicker could be the first woman to play in the NFL. Scouts say she has the talent and desire. All she needs now is the criminal record.

A new study reveals that more than 2 billion people worldwide are overweight or obese. And at any given time, most of them are at Disneyland the same day as you.

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United.

This Date In History: 1487; The Battle of Stoke ended the Wars of the Roses. 1858; Senate candidate Abraham Lincoln declared, "a house divided against itself cannot stand."

1904; Events in James Joyce's novel Ulysses took place on this day, which is celebrated as Bloomsday, for the main character, Leopold Bloom. 1933; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Industrial Recovery Act.

1963; Valentina Tereshkova of the USSR became the first woman in space. 1996; Russia voted in its first independent presidential election. Boris Yeltsin eventually won in a runoff.

Picture Of The Day: A peaceful protest means no masks and no weapons. If you were to enter a bank dressed like that, you would be arrested or possibly shot.



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My uncle used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got him fired. 2) Political correctness is a useless theorem that allows the few to endanger the many. It is only necessary when being polite while describing ugly babies.  3) I wonder how long it will take my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I gave her are types of lettuce? 4) It takes more than five words to say "I love you" in Hawaiian. All it really takes is a pineapple and twenty dollars for those in the know. 5) My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 16th: If there's one thing you can take for granted this week, it's that things cannot be taken for granted. Of course, this excludes apparitional appearances by Ulysses or Cary.

The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.

Birthdays: Edward Davy, physician, scientist 1806, Stan Laurel, comic actor 1890, Barbara McClintock, geneticist 1892.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

An older man, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit and smelling of an exotic cologne, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is a younger, beautiful lady.The gentleman walks over, sits along next to her and orders a scotch. He takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held and, at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, her husband cries out, "Watch out for that damned wall!"

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Saturday, June 10, 2017

Late, Late Friday Edition


Pet food manufacturers should label their flavors as beef, chicken or tuna, but they sell to you, not your pet. So, they label them as "Tuna and Crab casserole" or "Chicken with white rice" I tried it once. It tasted like shit but it did help me with my hairball problem.

They hype flavors such as "Braised Veal with summer peas" or "Steamed Tilapia and Tuna In gravy." My cats have no appreciation for fancy names, basically because they can't read. They are, however, "telepathic" and know to come running when they hear the can opener.

A word to the wise. If your pets like it, let them eat it. They don't really care about the "Fancy" menu description.

The News As I See It: It turns out that Russia actually hacked the company that makes our voting machines. Which explains why anyone who pressed on the "Hillary Clinton" button heard a voice say, "Try again."

Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house on their way home from work. Not only that, they’ll also deliver the items in a Target bag so your neighbors think you have a little class.

A boy in Maryland was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters.

This Date In History: 1870; Author Charles Dickens died. 1898; China agreed to lease Hong Kong to Britain for 99 years. 1934; Donald Duck made his screen debut in The Wise Little Hen. 1944; The Republic of Iceland was established.

1973; Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes and became the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years. 1978; After 148 years, the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints allowed black men to become priests. 1993; Japan's Crown Prince Naruhito married commoner Masako Owada.

Picture Of The Day: The pals.....



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in bar fight. 2) If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. 3) When asked to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said, "Maybe she went Black" and now I don't have to help the with homework any more. 4) My girlfriend would get lost less frequently if her GPS would say, "No, your other left." 5) In Australia, they say tuna, not tuna fish, because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available there.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 9th: This is not the week to speculate. Love comes when you least expect it. 36 percent of all romances start in the bathroom. These two facts are linked and we point them out for your amusement and as something to look forward to. Every day is a winding road, they say. This is especially true today when you find your love walking down a winding road.

Birthdays: Peter the Great, czar of Russia (1682–1725) 1672, Cole Porter, composer 1891, Robert McNamara, defense secretary 1916, Michael J. Fox, actor 1961, Johnny Depp, actor 1963, Natalie Portman, actress 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." Her companion replies, "Odd, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. One nun says,"Two dogs, please." The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers, "What part did you get?"

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that," the husband explained, "My wife and I have a great relationship. She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does gymnastics." The woman looks at the drunk and replies angrily, "I don't do gymnastics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

The bride got a little too drunk at her wedding reception but was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents.

She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator.

She said, "...and finally, I want to thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, don't burn your  bridges behind you, but it's not a bad idea to loosen the bolts a little each day. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, June 2, 2017

I Can't Find My Glasses


I've learned to live with the fact that my memory is no longer an asset. I can sing the words to all the old songs, yet I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen. I have to leave reading glasses everywhere I usually sit, ergo, the reason for today's picture.

I've learned little tricks along the way like acting like I'm leaving the kitchen and occasionally my subconscious gives up the secret as to why I'm there.

I've learned to always make a grocery shopping list because I never remember everything I need. This, of course, spawned a new game which I like to call, "Guess what's on the shopping list that that you left on your kitchen counter."

Fortunately, most memory lapses are harmless. I mean who cares if you put your TV dinner in the oven and neglected to turn the oven on. It's really no big deal as you realize you're about to pee into the dirty clothes hamper, but catch yourself before you begin, realizing you threw your dirty socks into the toilet.

Probably the best invention for the older crowd today is the remote on your car key pad that sounds off when you click it. This keeps people from wandering in parking lots trying to figure out where they parked. I've discovered that this particular plan doesn't work well in parking garages.

The moral to the story is that as you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two.....

The News As I See It: Liberals and the liberal media are so angry that Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that they're going to read the Paris Climate Agreement immediately.

There's a new report that says more than half of American workers didn't use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn't take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, "I hate my in-laws".

This Date In History: 1886; Grover Cleveland became the first U.S. president to get married in the White House. 1924; Congress granted U.S. citizenship to all American Indians. 1941; Baseball great, Lou Gehrig died of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, ALS, a rare type of paralysis now referred to as Lou Gehrig's disease.

1945; In Italy, a plebiscite rejected the monarchy in favor of a republic. 1953; Queen Elizabeth II of Britain was crowned in Westminster Abbey. 1997; Timothy McVeigh was found guilty of the bombing of the federal building in Oklahoma City. 2003; The European Space Agency launched the Mars Express probe. Contact with the lander Beagle 2 was lost in December.

Picture Of The Day: There's one good thing, though.....



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I accidentally totaled some woman's car. I saw her kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud. 2) I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name. 3) I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. 4) Years ago, I heard my wife yell from another room, "wrong hole". I was a bit taken aback until I realized that it was just my 4-year-old trying to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt. 5) People on Facebook really get pissed when you comment on their hospital check ins with "Glad you're not too sick to post your status.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 2nd: You're a bit crazy. You always have been and you always will be. Change, and your friends will stop liking you as much. Weird dreams may haunt you for the next few months, but may not mean that you're completely crazy.

While you may think that this horoscope is completely useless. I have to admit, I have a very guilty secret. You see, all horoscopes are completely useless.

There - I said it. Now, Mrs McGinty, who taught me everything I know, will rue the day she said I couldn't make it as an astrologer! Curse you Mrs McGinty!

Birthdays: Martha Washington, America's First Lady, wife of President George Washington 1731, John Randolph legislator 1773, Thomas Hardy novelist 1840, Sir Edward William Elgar composer 1857, Johnny Weissmuller swimmer 1904, Barbara Pym writer 1913, Cornel West scholar 1953, Freddy Adu, Soccer 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three engineering students were sitting at a bar together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

The second student said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last student said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

The graduate with a science degree asks,  "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

In California, gas went to $5.00 a gallon. Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

That's it for today, my little puppies. Remember, sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Saturday, May 27, 2017

Remember The Troops !


Remember the wounded and fallen soldiers, both past and present, of the Armed Forces this Memorial Day weekend. Moreover, remember the wounded warriors that continue to wait medical attention by the corrupt VA hospitals.

The News As I See It: Trump released his new budget proposal and Bernie Sanders said his cuts to Medicaid are "just cruel." But Bernie will get his medicine the same way as always: finding an old pill in his suit pocket.

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.

This Date In History: 1521; Martin Luther's writings were banned by the Edict of Worms. 1868;  President Andrew Johnson avoided conviction for impeachment charges of "high crimes and misdemeanors" by one vote. 1940; Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II.

1858; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.1940 Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II. 1958; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.

1977; George Willig, "the human fly," scaled the World Trade Center in New York City by attaching himself to the window washer mechanism and walking straight up until falling into police custody when he reached the top. It took Willig three and a half hours to make the climb, and $1.10 in fines—a penny per floor. 1978; The first legal casino to be operated in the United States outside of Nevada was opened in Atlantic City.

Picture Of The Day: This weekend is not just for barbecues.....



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl. 2) 12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower. 3) When something at the hardware store says it's universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have. 4) Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes and it's barely toasted. Ten seconds more and it's burned beyond recognition. 5) Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 26th: Everything will suddenly sound good to you today. This may be due to an Ophthalmology  appointment you had earlier in the week. Then, again, it may just be because you've won a large amount of money and people want to shower you with platitudes. Speaking of which, you do look amazing today! All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to do in public again".

Birthdays: Washington Augustus Roebling. engineer 1836, Isadora Duncan, dancer 1878, Al Jolson, actor, singer  1886, Dorothea Lange, photographer 1895, John Wayne, actor 1907, Miles Davis, musician 1926, Stevie Nicks,singer 1948, Sally K. Ride, American astronaut 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat", agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage. She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next.

Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to the vet.

The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." She asked, "Do you think that will work?" The vet replied, "It just worked for me!"

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy....." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat and then Daddy....."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing and laying down on the seat. Then Little Johnny says, ".....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A blond wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

Startled the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

The blond, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."

That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, one of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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