Friday, October 21, 2016

Don't Miss Sunday's Nascar Talladega Race !

It's Talladega weekend for the NASCAR series and the third round eliminations for the Sprint Cup championship, where only eight of the twelve drivers will move on to the next round. All this with 40 drivers on a 2.66 mile banked super speedway at 200 mph.

Jimmy Johnson and have already qualified for the round of eight via their wins at Charlotte and Kansas respectively.Even though the standings show only seven points separate Joey Logano and Austin Dillon, tied for eighth, from Brad Keselowski in 11th, anyone in the field can be kicked out after Talladega.

Denny Hamlin was second in the standings at Talladega last year, but finished 37th and was eliminated. That means none of the Gibbs drivers are guaranteed anything and odds are at least one of them will be knocked out on Sunday. Same goes for the two Penske drivers.

Considering where they are in the standings, it will be difficult for both Keselowski and Logano to advance out of Talladega.

Nevertheless, it will be an exciting race and if you've never seen a Nascar Sprint Cup race, this would be a great time to start.

On Another Note: NASCAR has decided that unpredictable Talladega Super Speedway won't be an elimination race in next year's championship Chase, instead taking the pivotal stop to Kansas Speedway. The two tracks swapped dates Thursday in the most significant change to the 2017 schedule.

To the frustration of many drivers, Talladega had been the third race in the second round of the Chase for the Sprint Cup championship. The chaotic finish last year, when a wreck prevented Dale Earnhardt Jr. from having a chance to race Joey Logano for the victory, only underscored those opinions.

The News As I See It: Hillary and Trump were at a dinner together, the Al Smith Dinner, a charity event thrown annually by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York. It has become a tradition for the candidates to show up and tell jokes, like a roast. Hillary and Donald were one seat apart with Cardinal Timothy Dolan sitting between them, like an unhappy couple hoping to get their marriage annulled.

New data from the Hubble Space Telescope shows that the universe has two trillion galaxies, which is 10 times more than previously thought. The good news is, none of those galaxies are made by Samsung.

A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams recently said that dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents, and trying to please us. Then dogs said, "Nope — just butts."

This Date In History: 1797; The navy frigate U.S. Constitution, known as "Old Ironsides," was launched in Boston Harbor. 1805; Admiral Horatio Nelson died in the Battle of Trafalgar. 1837; Seminole chief Osceola was captured as he carried a white flag of truce during the Second Seminole War.

1879; Thomas Edison invented a workable incandescent electric lamp. 1959; The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum of modern and contemporary art, designed by architect Frank Lloyd Wright, opened to the public in New York City.

Picture Of The Day: There's nothing like the excitement of the roar of the engines when the green flag starts the race.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Like my grandma always said, "Always put more booze in the mashed potatoes."  2) I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket. 3) The worst part about getting kidnapped is when the news tells everyone your real height and weight. 4) My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, "Pull!" 5) I had myself waxed "down there" and now my socks slide on real easy.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - : Feel free to share your inner-most secrets with your family and friends. They will adore you for your honesty and may only exclude you from everything they say or do for the next year or two. Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the smaller ones.

Birthdays: Samuel Taylor Coleridge,  poet 1772, Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist and inventor 1833, Dizzy Gillespie, musician 1917, Celia Cruz, singer 1925, Ursula K. Le Guin, writer 1929, Benjamin Netanyahu, Israeli political leader 1949, Carrie Fisher, actress 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor. The husband said, "I can't figure it out doc and I'm really worried. My testicles are turning blue." The doctor said, "That's unusual. let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the husband's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife and asks, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" The wife said, "Yes, I am." The doctor said, "Are you using the jelly like i told you?" Again, the wife replied, "Yes, I am." The doctor asked, "What kind of jelly are you using with it?" The wife replied, "Smuckers Grape....."

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. The husband explained, "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship."

He went on to say, "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The biker replied, "Hey, thanks!", and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy relied, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

That's it for today, my little pet peas. Remember, a liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, October 14, 2016

Pinocchio Has Nothing On Hillary

I will vote as planned but the barrage of liberal media propaganda combined with the FBI James Comey's remarks about Hillary lies and WikiLeaks email exposures angers me. What does it take for Hillary voters to see the light? Attempted murder on live TV?

In August, U.S. District Court Judge Emmet G. Sullivan granted Judicial Watch the right to ask 25 questions of Hillary Clinton about the creation of her private email server which she was required to answer under oath.

Hillary filed her response to those 25 questions which can be best summarized by the following stats:

Occurrences of the phrase "Does Not Recall": 20
Occurrences of the word "Object" or "Objection": 84

To summarize the 23-page response, Hillary "does not recall" the majority of her tenure as Secretary of State and "objects" to everything that she does recall. Another phrase that occurs throughout the document, well at least in response to the questions that she actually decided to answer, implies that she was under the illusion that all of her emails subject to FOIA requests would be captured on the email systems of her staffers who actually decided to follow the law and use " accounts."

"...her practice was to e-mail State Department staff on their accounts, her e-mail was being captured in the State Department’s record keeping systems."

Isn't it ironic that Hillary recognizes the legal basis for using "" accounts but then says that she "does not recall whether she had a specific expectation that the State Department would receive FOIA requests for or concerning her e-mail."

Of course, FOIA requests are such uncommon things, why should she expect to receive one? The blatant disregard for maintaining federal records, in and of itself, is just astonishing. Moreover, what about emails that Hillary sent to people outside of the State Department? Did she not send any "work-related" emails to people outside the government?

In response to a question on whether Hillary's 30,000 "personal emails" were retained, Hillary said she did not think they were kept but denied "any personal knowledge about the details" of their deletion.

The News As I See It: The best Hillary email that’s been leaked so far claims that she met with rapper Q-Tip last year to discuss how to appeal to hip-hop fans. The meeting with Q-Tip really affected Hillary because afterward, she actually came up with some rapper names for herself. First, she tried Lil’ Wheezy. Then she tried Run DNC. Finally, she decided on Wiz Deleeta.

A new business in Washington, D.C., opened recently allowing customers to pay $15 to take a 20-minute nap. They’re calling the new service "C-SPAN."

Obama is winding down his time in office. He’s got less than 100 days left. But he’s keeping busy, still pushing his agenda, he’s working to fight climate change, he’s shortening sentences for drug offenders, every night he goes down to the basement to visit Merrick Garland, his nominee for the Supreme Court.

Hillary Clinton campaigned in Florida with Al Gore. You’re making Al Gore go back to Florida? That’s so cruel. That’s like making Joe Frazier go back to Manila. Gore campaigned for Hillary at a Florida rally attended by 1,600 people. Unfortunately for Gore, a recount showed that it was only 1,300 people.

Samsung is sending out thermally insulated "flameproof" boxes for people returning its exploding Galaxy Note 7 phones. Samsung says they’re being "extra cautious" while UPS is saying, "Please use FedEx."

This Date In History: 1066 The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. 1933 Nazi Germany withdrew from the Geneva disarmament conference and the League of Nations. 1947 U.S. Air Force Captain Charles "Chuck" Yeager became the first person to travel faster than the speed of sound. 1964 Martin Luther King, Jr., was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in civil rights. 1968 The first live telecast from a staffed U.S. spacecraft was transmitted from Apollo 7. 1990 Composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72. The U.S. Naval Academy opened in Annapolis, Maryland. 

Picture Of The Day: Accusations about Donald Trump are exactly that.....unproven accusations. Accusations about bill Clinton's fidelity and Hillary berating Bill's relationships were proven to be true.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What if sun screen is really just a seasoning rub created by aliens? 2) Is it "raymen" noodles or "rawmun" noodles? I don't wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner. 3) Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don't know. Prove me wrong. 4) (Girlfriend): "You're cute when you're drunk" (Me): "You're cute when I'm drunk too."  5) Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 10th: Your task today is to keep these words in mind: Give a liberal a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a liberal to fish, he'll add to the global over-depletion of the oceans, then complain about global warming while he cashes his government check at the liquor store, so just give him the damned fish.

Birthdays: James II, king of England, Scotland and Ireland 1633 William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 1644 Elwood Haynes, inventor 1857 Dwight D. Eisenhower, American general and 34th President of the United States 1890 Lillian Gish, actress 1893 e. e. cummings, poet 1894 William Edwards Deming, management consultant 1900 Hannah Arendt, political theorist, 1906 Roger Moore, actor 1927 Ralph Lauren, fashion designer 1939

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." The farmer said, "What a coincidence, it is a special day for me. I'm celebrating." The woman said, "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!"

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" The woman replied, "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant." The farmer said, "What a coincidence. I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

The woman said, "This is awesome! What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" The farmer said, "I used a different rooster." The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do."

The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."

The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university, "I feel it is my duty to provide you with the best education possible and you do not owe me anything for providing that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, I want each of you to put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the lawyer's turn. He reached into his jacket pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin and took the $2,000 cash. He later went on to become a member of Congress.....

A man stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 pickup. Just for fun, he took it out for a test drive. He wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old. The salesman (wearing an Obama pin) sat in the passenger seat next to him, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, the man mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, the salesman asked why the man thought it was a Republican truck. The man explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round.  

That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, "You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit."

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Friday, October 7, 2016

Hurricane Mathew To Return?

Miami escaped the wrath of Mathew, thankfully, but according to the National Hurricane Center, he may be returning. Nooo ! - Let's get back to the regularly scheduled local car crashes, robberies and murders. I'm tired of watching field reporters inventing scenes.

Hurricane Mathew continues to ravage the South Atlantic coastline and, hopefully, everyone will be as safe as possible. I shudder to imagine if the line of the hurricane had drifted a bit west, in which case, the consequences would have been much more severe.

Moreover, reports show that Mathew will be hooking back after it's rampage, possibly giving it a chance to do an encore.
Conditions may be just right in the ocean and atmosphere at that time to curve Matthew back around toward the southwest and return to Florida for Round Two.

As of midday Thursday, the hurricane was forecast by the U.S. National Hurricane Center to drop to tropical storm status (sustained winds of between 39 and 74 mph) by Monday morning. By Tuesday morning, the NHC places what would be Tropical Storm Matthew just to the northeast of Grand Bahama, not too far from where it was late on Thursday.

The last thing Florida needs as it picks up from Round One is another tropical storm, regardless of how weak the second pass is. While the potential Round Two is forecast to be much less severe, it would hamper recovery efforts.

The News As I See It: Joe Biden, in an interview, described his relationship with Obama as an older brother-younger brother dynamic. The only down side is when he forgets to pick up Obama from soccer practice.

We're just weeks away from Halloween. Yep, it's people pretending to be somebody else, going door-to-door for handouts, or as I call it, running for president.

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pair of socks meant to be worn with sandals from 2,000 years ago. Scholars say it’s evidence of the first German tourist.

This Date In History: 1869; The 14th president of the United States, Franklin Pierce, died in Concord, N.H. 1871 The Great Fire of Chicago started. That same day in Peshtigo, Wis., the worst forest fire in U.S. history also began.

1934; Bruno Hauptmannn was indicted for the murder of Charles Lindbergh's baby. 1945; President Harry Truman announced the U.S. would share the secret of the atomic bomb only with Great Britain and Canada.

1956; Don Larsen of the New York Yankees pitched the first and only perfect game in a World Series. 2004; Martha Stewart began her prison sentence at Alderson Federal Prison Camp. 2005; A 7.6 magnitude earthquake centered in the Pakistani-controlled part of the Kashmir region killed more than 80,000 and injured 65,000.

Picture Of The Day: For those of you who have never seen the eye of a hurricane.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Tequila will never be my downfall as the worm does not justify the hangover. 2) You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. 3) It takes 10 Americans to screw in a light bulb. 1 to do it and 9 to debate if it was politically correct. 4) Rapture is what you get when you lift something that is too heavy.  5) I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses.....especially if they're empty.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 5th: Remember to chew before you swallow, you know how excited you get sometimes. You may hear good news today from an older person who may or may not be intoxicated. Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelaces while staring at the woman across the bar from you.

Birthdays: Emily Blackwell, physician 1826, Edward Rickenbacker, war hero and airline executive 1890, Juan Perón, president of Argentina 1895, Frank Herbert, writer 1920, Chevy Chase comedian 1943, R.L. Stine, writer 1943, Dennis Kucinich, political figure 1946, Sigourney Weaver, actress 1949, Matt Damon, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.

The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.

The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.

The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest. I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my long time friend, Mike, for his contribution to today's stories.

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!" The man replied, "No, I'm just a crappy golfer."

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but needed to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and says, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has serviced all of my neighbor's cows."

The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer said, "I don't really know. He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."

That's it for today, my little persimmons. Remember, all those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just life's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a safe weekend and more on Monday.

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Monday, October 3, 2016

Recipe For Disaster - Kitten vs Computer

Friday's post was deleted, thanks to my kitten, Scooter, who has total disregard for my computer. Just before posting, I took a brief bathroom break. I returned to find Scooter sitting on my keyboard and looking at pictures of Rangoon. Cat people will understand.

The Center for Disease Control has warned that although the Swine Flu is prevalent, the Bird Flu is rampant as well. Symptoms of Bird Flu are: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyber attacks. She said, "If anyone’s going to abuse U.S. government computers, it’s gonna be me."

Bernie Sanders is campaigning with Hillary. He asked a crowd at one of her rallies, "Is everybody here ready to transform America?" Followed by his next question, "Does anybody here remember where I parked?"

According to the FBI, foreign hackers have made several attempts to breach voter registration websites in the United States with an intent to influence the outcome of the election or steal personal information. The FBI warned, "Bad actors have been repeatedly trying to hack us." It could be a number of suspects — Russia, China, Sylvestor Stallone, Steven Seagal......there are a lot of bad actors out there.

This Date In History: 1226; St. Francis of Assisi, founder of the Franciscan order, died. 1863; President Lincoln declared the last Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day.

1922; Rebecca L. Felton became the first woman U.S. Senator when she was appointed to serve out the term of Senator Thomas E. Watson. 1929; The Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes formally changed its name to the Kingdom of Yugoslavia.

1955; Captain Kangaroo and The Mickey Mouse Club premiered on television. 1974; Frank Robinson was named the first African-American manager in major league baseball. 1990; East Germany and West Germany united to become Germany, 45 years after being split into two countries at the end of World War II.

Picture Of The Day: The citizens of America will learn. It's just a case of the easy way or the hard way.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had several maladies, then 200 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses and now I'm cured. It's a miracle. 2) I saw something on television this weekend and it included an offer for a "free" gift. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? 3) I've discovered that women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them. 4) If there isn't a Chinese millionaire whose name is Cha Ching, then I don't see the point of money.  5) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 30th: Romance permeates the air today, near Bimini and the Bahama Islands. Unfortunately, so is Hurricane Mathew. If you don't happen to be near the islands, then chances are you're to be alone. Safe, but alone. It's your call. Remember, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so make your decision wisely.

Birthdays: John Ross, Native American chief 1790, Pierre Bonnard, painter and illustrator 1867, James Herriot, writer 1916, Gore Vidal, writer 1925, Dave Winfield, baseball player 1951, Stevie Ray Vaughan, blues musician 1954, Tommy Lee, rock musician 1962, Clive Owen, actor 1964, Gwen Stefani, singer 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The pope said, "Sure." The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti"

A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her.

Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!" The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?"

The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!" The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam, now we're just negotiating the price.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

The little girl said, "Well, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher said, "That must have been scary."The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

That's it for today, my little rice cakes. Remember, the next time someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, "Keep going."

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More on Wednesday.

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Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Dr. Phil's Answer To Inner Peace

I don't watch Dr. Phil because he's a moron but he recently said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things you have started. So, I finished off a bottle of scotch, a bag of Cheetos and some left-over pizza. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

The News As I See It: Green Party candidate, Jill Stein, was escorted off the Hofstra University campus Monday afternoon after she tried to talk to reporters outside of Monday’s debate without proper credentials. As she was being dragged away by police she shouted, "Don’t you know who I am?" and they said, "No. No one does."

Facebook is expanding its campaign to combat online hate speech. In other words, Facebook is shutting down.

This Date In History: 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego. 1781; The closing campaign of the American Revolution at Yorktown Heights, Va. began. 1920; Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted for fixing the 1919 World Series in the "Black Sox scandal."

1924; Two U.S. Army planes landed in Seattle after completing the first round-the-world-flight in 175 days. 1939; A German-Soviet agreement divided Poland between Nazi Germany and the USSR. 1967; Walter Washington became the first mayor of the District of Columbia.

1972; Japan and Communist China agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations. 1989; Former Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos died in exile in Hawaii. 1991; Jazz great Miles Davis died. 2003; Althea Gibson, the first African-American tennis player to win at Wimbledon, died.

Picture Of The Day: The first presidential debate has both parties claiming victory. I saw it as a draw. As for the moderator, NBC's Lester Holt, I found him biased towards Hilary Clinton.

The moderator's job is not an easy task, nevertheless is bias was obvious. Although Holt is a registered republican, it's easy to see why he works for the liberal NBC.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A woman once told me that her philosophy about life was that if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. 2) By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane. 3) You know you're addicted to the Internet when you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 4) Why did World War II Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 5) Last night, I forgot to turn on the oven. The food was in there for 45 minutes. I know, because I set the timer.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 28th: The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days. Most of this sentence comes direct from the spirits that guide me through your horoscopes. Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is fair game today.

Birthdays: Michelangelo Caravaggio, Italian painter 1573,(?) Georges Clemenceau, political figure 1841, Avery Brundage, sports executive 1887, Ed Sullivan, television personality 1901, Al Capp, cartoonist 1909, Alice Marble, tennis player 1913, Marcello Mastroianni, actor 1924, Brigitte Bardot, actress 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-irmingham". The speech therapist said, "That's no use, Trevor. Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- aisley"... The therapist said, "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London". The speech therapist said, "Brilliant, Paddy!" and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, "--d--d--d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.

Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home, he apologized to his wife, "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

His wife yelled, "You think you've had a bad day? You think you've had a bad day? The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Tyrone was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?" Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, if it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !