Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Huh?


The imaginary comment read, "How dare you incinerate that I don't know any big words?" I read somewhere that 52 percent of all the illiterate and uninformed live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 48 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

I find it amusing that many people are aware of the names of sports figures and movie stars, yet are unable to name ten states and their capitols. Moreover, most of these people would fail an eight grade English exam.

Uninformed New Yorkers are fuming over recent actions and revelations of newly-elected Mayor Bill de Blasio, yet low voter turnout was the main reason for his election. If it had been pointed out by the liberal controlled media that he was involved in the Socialist movement, maybe he'd still be working at McDonalds or whatever mediocre position he previously held.

It is necessary to ascertain information on the candidates before they are elected. This returns me to my point that education is as important as the "skinny" on celebrities and who plays quarterback for which team.


The News As I See It: The co-chair of Sony Entertainment broke her silence about the recent hacking scandal to apologize for some offensive emails she sent about Obama. In response, Obama said, "Don't worry. I secretly read those emails months ago."

The celebration of Hanukkah has begun. It's that special tradition where people find out their friend is Jewish and think back on the number of times they've asked them what they were doing for Christmas.

Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse.

The world's largest travel guide publisher has declared Queens, New York, the best place in the U.S. to visit next year. If you don't believe it, don't worry. neither does anyone who lives in Queens.

New York City Socialist and Mayor Bill de Blasio recently installed a fence around Gracie Mansion for privacy and security concerns. De Blasio wants to make sure the wrong person doesn't get into the mayor's mansion — while New Yorkers said, "Too late."

In London, magic mushrooms were discovered growing at Buckingham Palace in Queen Elizabeth's garden. You know, I was wondering why she knighted Jerry Garcia. That's probably why she changes the guards every hour.....paranoia.

The Haitian prime minister announced his resignation after several days of protests. Said the prime minister, "Haitians gonna hate."
 

This Date In History: 1777; France recognized American independence. 1903; Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first flight in a heavier-than-air plane at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

1944; The U.S. Army announced the end of its policy of holding Japanese-Americans in internment camps, allowing "evacuees" to return home.

1969; The U.S. Air Force ended its "Project Blue Book" and concluded that there was no evidence of extraterrestrial activity behind UFO sightings. 1992; North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) signed by U.S., Canada, and Mexico.

Picture Of The Day: New York City mayor Bill de Blasio and family.....


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The best thing about telepathy is.....I know, right? 2) I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone. 3) The best nicknames are usually the ones people don't know they have. 4) The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan and Yemen. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway. 5) My friend's mother-in-law is coming to stay with him for a week. He spent the day clearing out half of his closet so she would have a place to hang upside down and sleep.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius - December 17th: Chew the cud with some friends today. Their inane chatter may amuse you. The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks a lot like your ex-mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Sir Humphry Dav chemist, physicist 1778, W.L. Mackenzie King, political leader 1874, Arthur Fiedler, conductor 1894, Sylvia Ashton-Warner, novelist and educator 1905, William L. Safire, journalist 1929, Milla Jovovic model, actress and singer 1975.


The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy replied, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu . After the stopover a crusty old Chief Petty Officer boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister.

After the plane was airborne to continue on it’s journey, drink orders were taken. The Flight Attendant asked the CPO if he wanted a drink? The CPO asked for rum and coke, which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The ole Chief then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Republican was campaigning across the South and his travels took him to a rural area in the Smokey Mountains which was not known to be Republican. He stopped by a farm to do some campaigning and when the farmer learned that he was a Republican, his jaw dropped and he said, "Wait right here 'til I go get Ma. She's never seen a Republican before."

While waiting on the farmer to return, the candidate looked around to find a podium to make his speech. The only thing he could find was a large pile of manure. The farmer returned with his wife and the candidate climbed up on the mound and made his speech.

When he finished, the farmer said, "You know, that's the first time I ever heard a Republican make a speech." The candidate replied, "Well, that's the first time I ever made a Republican speech from a Democratic platform."

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

The agent said, "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." The rancher said, "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board."

The rancher continued, "Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

The agent said, "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one. The rancher said, "That would be me."

That's it for today, my little missile toes. Remember, one of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn't control you. Disadvantage: Sex does. Relevance: Chocolate is easier to get. I'll be in AREA 51 for happy hour and chocolate.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 15, 2014

Want A Priceless Christmas Reaction? Buy Her A Snuggie


Ads for Snuggies are back for the holidays. Men, if you really want to impress your lady, this overpriced crapola is the way to go. Forget diamonds and gold. She'll flip out when you give her a Snuggie. You, however, may receive minor scrapes and bruises.

But wait! There's more! Ladies, you too can warm the heart of your loved one with a Snuggie. I know he mentioned that he wanted a watch or an iPad. What he really wants is a Snuggie.

Sure, Snuggies are basically blankets with sleeves and sell for up to $50, but If you're too lazy to get up and get a blanket, you deserve to pay the price. And let's not forget the look on his or her face when the postman (with a look of disbelief) delivers that Snuggie to your lover.

Yes, If you want to change the look on your loved one's face and possibly obtain their new forwarding address, get 'em a Snuggie for Christmas.....


The News As I See It: Golden Globe nominations were announced, but some people are upset that “The Walking Dead” and “Modern Family” were snubbed. It’s ok though, Obama has issued an executive action granting them all a path to a nomination.

Joe Biden will assist in the 35th annual lighting of the National Menorah at the White House. When he heard that, Smokey Bear said, "Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well." Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he said, "Whichever comes first."

In New York City, they have what they call a Santa pub crawl. Around 30,000 Santas, early in the morning, start going from bar to bar to bar, all day long. Last year it was won by a guy from Kenya.

This Date In History: 1791; The Bill of Rights took effect with Virginia's ratification of it. 1890; Sioux Indian chief Sitting Bull was killed by Native American police. 1916; The French defeated the Germans in the Battle of Verdun. 1939; The movie Gone With the Wind premiered in Atlanta, Georgia.

1944; Band leader Glenn Miller disappeared in a plane crash over the English Channel. 1961; Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death by an Israeli court for organizing the deportation of Jews to concentration camps. 1964; Canada adopted its national flag, a red maple leaf on a white background.

1966; Animated-cartoon pioneer and movie producer Walt Disney died in Los Angeles. 1989; A demonstration that turned into a popular uprising in Romania began the downfall of Nicolae Ceausescu.

Picture Of The Day: Now this is my idea of a Snuggie.....


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) According to a new report, it now costs $350,000 to raise a child for 18 years. Of course, you have to double that if the kid lives in your basement until he's twenty-six. 2) The condensed history of a divorce: A do, I do, Adieu. 3) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. 4) Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. 5) Last weekend, during a routine cleanup, park crews discovered a cannon from the Revolutionary War that was still loaded. Old, loaded and ready to go — just like me before the karaoke show.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius - December 15th: Loving care is something that people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is a good hard drink. A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you wonder whether you're as committed as you ought to be.

Birthdays: My friends Christina, Patricia and Sam - Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, George Romney, portrait painter 1734, Franklin Benjamin Sanborn, journalist and philanthropist 1831, Gustave Eiffel, French engineer 1832, J. Paul Getty, business executive 1892, Muriel Rukeyser, poet 1913, Edna O'Brien, writer 1932, Don Johnson, actor 1949, Adam Brody, actor 1979.


The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

An Ottawa resident said, "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. One of them even asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. I mean how many art-history and English majors does one country need?"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The coroner says to the inspector, "The first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

The Coroner says, "The second body is a twenty-five-year-old Scotsman who won a thousand pounds on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" The coroner says, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob is a thirty-year-old-man from Kentucky and was struck by lightning."

The inspector asks, "Why is he smiling then?" The coroner replied, "He thought he was having his picture taken."


The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Golf Club Sign:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU TAKE TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
7. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8. QUIET PLEASE WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
 9. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE - NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull that tooth!"

That's it for today, my little egg nogs. Remember, honesty is the best policy unless you want people to like you.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 12, 2014

Do I Come Here Often?


Some of you may or may not be aware that as you get older, your brain occasionally goes on vacation without letting you know. You eventually learn from this. If you suddenly find yourself wondering where you are and why you're there, don't panic.

Rather, stand there for a moment or two and try to retrace you last known position to recreate the thought you may or may not have had. Additionally, don't wear your dazed and bewildered look as this can lead to having predators follow you like buzzards over a dying animal. It also stops other seniors near you from laughing or pointing at you.

Early signs of this malady usually begin with simple things like looking for five minutes for your glasses only to realize that they are on top of your head. Another frequent mishap is to go from room A to room B and upon arrival, not having the slightest idea of why you are there.

Occasional loss of thought and the innate inability to remember some one's name are a constant bother especially when you can remember the words to every song written since the beginning of time.

But fret not my little puppies. In order to reach this stage, you have to have lived a long, full life with beautiful memories and a lifetime of both good and bad memories, usually more of the former and less of the latter.

The best parts are that eventually, you'll be able to hide your own Easter eggs and meet new friends every day.....


The News As I See It: The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle.

Time magazine announced its person of the year. It's health workers who treat Ebola. That's a person of the year? Time magazine told the health workers, "No need to pick up your award, we'll mail it to you."

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, "I had more leg room in the womb."

Cheerios will soon come out in new flavors like quinoa. The CEO of General Mills said the new flavor is in response to an overwhelming demand by no one, absolutely no one.

This Date In History: 1787; Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1870; Joseph Rainey took his seat as the first African American in the U.S. House of Representatives.

1913; The Mona Lisa was recovered in Florence after having been stolen two years earlier (August 1911) from the Louvre. 1963; Kenya gained its independence from Britain.

1998; The House Judiciary Committee approved a fourth and final article of impeachment against President Clinton. 2000; The U.S. Supreme Court stopped the presidential election recount in Florida.

Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas.....


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons. 2) You may think that the human race is advanced, but when was the last time you saw a monkey worrying about his finances? 3) With ObamaCare premiums going up instead of down (as promised), some people can no longer afford doctors. Here's a tip: Just go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray and breast exam and if you mention al-Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy. 4) Times sure have changed. In biblical days, when an ass spoke, it was a miracle. 5) If having dogs has taught me anything, it's how to eat cookies very quietly.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius - December 12th: Feel free to share your inner-most secrets with your family and friends. They will adore you for your honesty and may only exclude you from everything they say or do for the next year or two.

Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the smaller ones.

Birthdays: John Jay, statesman 1745, William Lloyd Garrison, abolitionist 1805, Gustave Flaubert, novelist 1821, Edvard Munch, painter 1863, Edward G. Robinson, actor 1893, Patrick O'Brian, novelist 1914, Frank Sinatra, American singer, actor 1915, Bob Barker, TV personality 1923, Dionne Warwick, singer 1941, Tracy Austin, tennis player 1962, Jennifer Connelly, actress 1970.


The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body allover with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I sex too. I rubbed her body all over with kosher chicken schmaltz, we made love and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said. "I love it, but I have to stop eating it." He asked, "Why?"

She pointed to her lap and said, "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" He said, "Let me see." she said, "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! "

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, It's too late for you. You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"


The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but also needed to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggested that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returned to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looked very pleased and said, "The bull serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and serviced all of my neighbor's cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"

The farmer said, "I don't really know. He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."

An older couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

Henry said, "I recall that and you did it to save my life, so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."

Martha said, "Alright. Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"

That's it for today, my little reindeer. Remember, a good discussion is like a miniskirt. Short enough to maintain interest and long enough to cover the subject. Chances are that you'll find me in AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Stockings Were Hung By The Chimney With Care


We are bombarded with Christmas commercials and each one pauses to say, "It makes a great stocking stuffer." Some claims may be misleading. For example, Viagra would hardly be a good idea nor would a subscription to Nutrisystem. 

Even worse, in a TV commercial, pitchman Phil Swift applies Flex Seal to a screen door inserted in the bottom of a rowboat, then launches the boat with himself as skipper. The self proclaimed Jungle Jack Hannah hawks Cosequin for animals.

Both suggest their products would make a good stocking stuffer. If you are enjoying a good relationship with your spouse, I'd pass on those two sterling ideas.  

We never hung Christmas stockings when I was a kid, so I'm no expert as to what a stocking should contain. My friends that did hang stockings told me that most contained fruit, nuts and an occasional candy cane. Most of us were just happy to get a toy in addition to clothes and shoes (which conveniently, could also be worn to school and church).

The bottom line? If you enjoy hanging Christmas stockings, then go for it! Just be sure that you choose the right product.


The News As I See It: Obama met with Britain's Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power and the future king of England. He said, "It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American." And then Prince William said, "Yeah, me too." Prince William wanted to see where the president spends his time, but the golf course was covered in snow.

A village in Alaska has been without mail for days because its only postal worker quit. So if you want to reach anyone in that village, you will have no choice but to email, call, text, Facebook, tweet, Skype, or Instagram.

Obama went to the hospital because of a sore throat, but it turned out to be acid reflux. I'm not so sure. He's been hugging a lot of Ebola people lately. Talk about irony, Obama's procedure is not covered by Obamacare. His doctor said he needs Zantac. Sadly, that's actually the best news President Obama's gotten in a very long time. So now, Joe Biden is just a heartburn away from the Oval Office.

McDonald's has released a video showing how its Chicken McNuggets are made. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren't made out of chicken. They're made out of people who ask too many questions.

There is a new student loan calculator app that can determine how long students will be in debt based on their major. For example, if you’re an arts major, you can’t afford the app.

This Date In History: 1817; Mississippi became the 20th state in the United States. 1869 ; The territory of Wyoming authorized women to vote and hold office. 1901; The first Nobel Prizes were awarded in Stockholm, Sweden, in the fields of physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, and peace.

1948; The United Nations General Assembly adopted its Universal Declaration on Human Rights. 1950; Dr. Ralph Bunche became the first black to receive a Nobel Peace Prize. 1964; Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., received the Nobel Peace Prize.

1999; Los Alamos scientist Wen Ho Lee was arrested and charged with stealing classified information. 2004; A U.S. passenger jet landed in Vietnam, the first one to do so since the Vietnam War ended nearly three decades earlier.

Picture Of The Day: The stockings are hung. I just hope Santa realizes the fire is burning.....


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses. 2) Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. 3) When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup toward the carton and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 4) I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. So there I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. 5) If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, call them up later when you’re drunk.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius December 10th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renowned liars. Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time someone you care for comes near. That notwithstanding, buzzards are not an integral part of the picture.

Birthdays: Thomas Gallaudet, educator of the deaf 1787, Emily Dickinson, American poet 1830, Melvil Dewey, library pioneer 1851, Chet Huntley, news broadcaster 1911, Dorothy Lamour, actress 1914, Douglas Kenney, humorist 1947, Kenneth Branagh, actor, director 1960, Raven-Symoné, actor, singer 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town.

Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

An older couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. He asked, rather trustingly,"How do you feel about sex?" Responding very carefully, she replied, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Is that one word or two?"


The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A clergyman was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

A man who worked for the post office had the job of processing all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter arrived in a shaky handwriting just addressed to God -- with no mailing address, just her return address. He thought he should open it to see what it was all about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with and have no family to turn to. You are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna

That's it for today, my little sleigh belles and bills. Remember, the colors red, white and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 8, 2014

Please Don't Interrupt Me When I'm Talking To Myself


I talk to myself. I have to because sometimes I need expert advice. My Dad talked to himself too. At first, it scared me and I told Mom. She laughed and said, "One day, you'll understand." Two marriages and three children later, it makes perfect sense.

I have to be careful when I talk to myself because people think it's weird. It's not weird. The fact that a rat can last longer without water than a camel...that's weird. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because farting in a spacesuit will damage it...that's weird.

It's safe to talk to yourself in a car. People see your lips moving and think you're singing along with a song, but you're not. You're just having a pleasant conversation with yourself.

It’s alright to talk to yourself. It’s even alright to talk to yourself and answer yourself. The time to start worrying is when you talk to yourself, answer yourself, lose your train of thought and then ask, "What was I saying?"

The other evening I was having a rather amusing conversation with myself and I made myself chuckle. At the same time, I felt something touching my leg. I looked down and saw my cat Samantha staring at me with what seemed to be a look of pity in her eyes.

You see, I talk to Samantha as well and I assume that after she realized I wasn't talking to her, she figured I was losing my mind. What does she know? She can't even talk......What was I saying?


The News As I See It: According to a survey, the most popular Christmas song of all time is "Silent Night." The least popular? "Joy Behar to the World", "We Three Kardashians" and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Bill Cosby."

I read an interesting story in the newspaper today about Obama's determination to release the remaining terrorists from Guantanamo Bay before his term is over. He's trying to prop up his dismal legacy. I think he should release all the terrorists into Chicago and Detroit. They'd fit right in.

By the way, for the younger readers, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.

This Date In History: 1854; Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate Conception. 1886; The American Federation of Labor was founded at a convention of union leaders in Columbus, Ohio. 1941; Congress declared war on Japan and the U.S. entered World War II.

1949; Communist attacks forced the Chinese Nationalist government to flee to the island of Formosa (Taiwan). 1978; Former Israeli prime minister Golda Meir died. 1980; John Lennon, former member of the Beatles, was shot and killed in New York City by a deranged fan.

1987; President Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev signed the first treaty to reduce the nuclear arsenals of the two superpowers. 1993; President Bill Clinton signed The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) into law.

Picture Of The Day: Jasper, the lovable pup belonging to "The Five" personality and commentator Dana Perino. I just added a bit of dialogue to the continuous pictures of Jasper posted by Ms. Perino.....


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 2) Depresso: When you've run out of coffee. 3) I think that Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Wasserman Shultz's particular gene pools may have been one of those above ground ones. 4) Too much business, not enough monkey. 5) Stupid auto-correct. I always end up posting some thong I didn't Nintendo.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - December 8th: In spite of yourself, this day should be very lucrative and fulfilling. But I sometimes wonder, have you ever felt that you're a shopping bag and life is one big supermarket? If you can get engrossed in that analogy, think of me as the store announcer. "Clean up in aisle 12".

Birthdays: Mary, Queen of Scots, queen 1542, Christina, queen of Sweden 1626, Eli Whitney, American inventor 1765, William C. Durant, manufacture 1861, Aristide Maillol, sculptor 1861, Jean Sibelius, composer 1865, Diego Rivera, painter 1886, James Thurber, humorist 1894, Lee J. Cobb, actor 1911, Sammy Davis, Jr. singer, actor 1925, David Carradine, actor 1936, Jim Morrison, rock musician 1943, Kim Basinger, actress 1953, Teri Hatcher, actress 1964, Sinead O'Connor singer, songwriter 1966.


The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $2.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." The attendant said with a grin, "Well, sir, you're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled at the top of his lungs to the driver, "Pull over!" The blonde yelled back, "No, scarf!"

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards San Diego, California. The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America !" The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

That's it for today, my little goobers. Remember, if you quit school, just remember two things. You tried your best and I don't like pickles on my Big Mac.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !