Friday, March 7, 2014
The White House announced yet another change to Obamacare. They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, "After two years, I don't give shit."
Okay, maybe Barry didn't actually say that but his actions sure the hell do. Barry Soetero (aka Barack Obama) makes changes to the law when he wants and no one is doing anything about it. Republicans are accusing Obama’s administration for making the change to help Democrats running for Congress seats in the upcoming election.
Senator John Thune (R-S.D.) said, "Each and every delay of Obamacare is an admission that the Democrats’ signature law is hurting Americans and an obvious attempt to try to save the jobs of vulnerable congressional Democrats."
The News As I See It: An anchor for Russia's state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn’t agree with the network's support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again — CNN.
Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.
Because of Russia's actions in Ukraine, Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn't pull out of Kiev we're not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China.
Meteorologists say 90 percent of the Great Lakes are frozen over (Where's Al Gore?). People from Chicago are being urged to stay off the frozen lakes, but if you want to see someone from Chicago in thin ice, just go to the White House.
Putin, while all this is going on, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un.
And finally, John Kerry, secretary of state, visited Ukraine to meet with Adele Dazeem.
This Date In History: 1850; Daniel Webster gave a three-hour speech endorsing the Compromise of 1850. 1876; Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for the telephone. 1936; Adolf Hitler broke the Treaty of Versailles and the Locarno Pact when he ordered troops to march into the Rhineland.
1945; During World War II, U.S. troops crossed the bridge at Remagen, the first incursion into Germany by Allied forces. 1965; Peaceful civil rights demonstrators marching from Selma, Ala., are confronted with billy clubs and tear gas by police on the Edmund Pettus Bridge.
2004; V. Gene Robinson of New Hampshire was invested as the first openly gay Episcopal Church bishop. 2005; John R. Bolton was nominated by President Bush to be U.S. ambassador to the UN.
Picture Of The Day: And the beat(down) goes on. Russian troops take over Crimea.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Girls love guys with tattoos because it means they're willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives. 2) I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me and laughing. 3) I ran out of coffee this morning and beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today. 4) "Yes, I've been in love before. I've also had salmonella poisoning. What's your point?" 5) When someone texts "whatcha doin" after midnight the appropriate response is "someone else" even if you're just eatin' pizza all alone. and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 7th: You should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on you. This will help you piece together your twenties. Ketchup and Katsup are essentially the same thing.
Birthdays: Sir John Herschel mathematician 1792, Piet Mondrian artist 1872, Maurice Ravel composer 1875, Janet Guthrie auto racer 1938, Michael Eisner businessman 1942, Bryan Cranston actor 1956, Ivan Lendl tennis player 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man mowed his lawn and after doing so, he sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. His wife walked by and asked him what he was doing and he said "nothing."
The reason he said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have said, "about what?" At that point, he would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally, he thought about an age old question. Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, he have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for his conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops their nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After the news conference announcing the invention, a group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde and asked, "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."
The lawyer interrupted, "I didn't ask for any details. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
Clyde continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
Clyde said, "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?' Now what the hell would you have said?"
(Obama): "Hello Amer- *feels a tug on his suit coat* (Obama): "What Joe?" (Biden): "What color should the lion be?" (Obama): "Yellow." (Biden): "I'm using green." *giggles*
Barack Obama walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."
That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don't finish something, it's really not the end of the world. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
A House hearing on the IRS targeting scandal rapidly broke down into a heated and deeply personal argument between a top Democrat and Republican, moments after former IRS official Lois Lerner once again invoked her Fifth Amendment right not to testify.
Lerner, who last year refused to answer questions about her role in singling out Tea Party and other conservative groups for extra scrutiny when they applied for tax-exempt status, was called back before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee on Wednesday.
Though Republicans argue she waived her Fifth Amendment right by giving a statement during the last hearing, Lerner continued to invoke that right on Wednesday. "On the advice of my counsel, I respectfully exercise my Fifth Amendment right and decline to answer that question," she said in response to several questions.
Issa showed an email from Lerner in 2011 demonstrating hostility to the Tea Party and asked her about it, but she refused to answer questions about it.
Ranking Democratic Rep. Elijah Cummings, (D-Md), got into a heated argument with Chairman Darrell Issa, (R-Calif), after Issa tried to adjourn the hearing. Issa at first stood up and prepared to leave as Cummings said he wanted to ask a "procedural question."
In seconds, tensions flared. "Mr. Chairman, you cannot run a committee like this," Cummings appealed. Cummings' microphone was then turned off, and then flipped back on again. Issa sat down momentarily, but then abruptly told Lerner she was "released" and said, "We're adjourned, close it down."
Cummings, his microphone again turned off, continued to shout, complaining about the Republicans' "one-sided investigation." "I am a member of the Congress of the United States. I am tired of this," he shouted.
The clash bared long-running tensions between the Democratic and GOP members of the committee over the IRS probe. Lerner headed the IRS division that improperly targeted Tea Party and other conservative groups.
After publicly disclosing the targeting, Lerner refused to answer questions about it at a congressional hearing last year. Lerner then resigned from her post as the agency’s director of tax-exempt organizations.
Issa and Lerner’s attorneys have argued about whether she is now still protected from having to testify under the Fifth Amendment. Emails obtained by Fox News revealed an attorney for Lerner negotiated over whether she would testify.
Issa claimed Wednesday that Lerner's testimony remains critical. "Ms. Lerner is uniquely positioned to provide testimony that will help the committee better understand how and why the IRS targeted conservative groups," he said. Issa warned that the committee may consider whether to hold her in contempt if she continues to stay silent. House Speaker John Boehner later made the same threat.
Last week, Lerner lawyer William Taylor made public a letter in which he told the committee that Lerner would testify on Capitol Hill only if compelled by a federal court or given immunity for the testimony. He was responding to a letter from Issa saying, in part, that Lerner’s testimony remains "critical to the committee’s investigation."
In my opinion, Rep. Cummings has no desire to get to the bottom of this and is running interference for Obama. His recourse was (as common for his ilk) was to scream and yell. Lerner is looking for an out and as soon as she's given immunity she'll sing like a bird.
The News As I See It: The Academy Awards telecast was more than three hours long. They actually had to do a second "In Memoriam" montage because quite a few actors passed away during the broadcast.
During the Academy Awards, John Travolta accidentally called Idina Menzel "Adele Dazeem" and that wasn’t the only flub. Leonardo DiCaprio says Jennifer Lawrence flubbed his name when she presented the best actor award and pronounced it "Matthew McConaughey."
Microsoft is coming out with a digital assistant for its smartphone — similar to Apple's Siri — called "Cortana." Well, her name was supposed to be "Cathy," but they let John Travolta make the announcement.
A new survey has found that almost half of dog owners admit to spending more money on their dogs than on their significant others. I wanted to ask my girlfriend if that is true, but she and our dog were out to dinner.
Russia suspended coverage of the Oscar awards and with their views on homosexuals, my guess is that they're not going to show the Tony Awards either.
Justin Bieber reposted photos of his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez at the Vanity Fair Oscar party with the caption "most elegant princess in the world." Then he immediately tweeted, "Sorry, that was supposed to be a selfie."
This Date In History: 1770; The Boston Massacre, a pre-Revolutionary incident that grew out of anger towards British troops, occurred. Five anti-British rioters were killed. 1933; In the last free elections in Germany until after World War II, the Nazi Party received 44% of the vote.
1946; Winston Churchill delivered his famous Iron curtain speech, "From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an Iron Curtain has descended across the continent." 1953; Soviet dictator Josef Stalin died at age 73, after 29 years in power.
1963; Patsy Cline, Cowboy Copas, and Hankshaw Hawkins were killed in a plane crash. 1997; North and South Korean representatives met for the first time in 25 years for peace talks.
Picture Of The Day: Senate blocks Obama's pick of Debo Adegbile for civil rights post.
Several Senate Democrats joined with Republicans in voting against Debo Adegbile, whose nomination was adamantly and vocally opposed by conservatives due to his participation in an appeal filed on behalf of Mumia Abu-Jamal -- an internationally-known prisoner convicted of the 1981 murder of Philadelphia police officer Daniel Faulkner.
Adegbile, 47, spent more than a decade working for the NAACP Legal Defense Fund, where he served as the group’s in-house voting rights expert. The legal defense fund began its work on Abu-Jamal's behalf well before Adegbile began working for it, however he did contribute to the filing of a 2009 court brief that argued that Abu-Jamal faced a discriminatory jury -- an appeal later found to have merit by a judge.
But, that participation in Abu-Jamal's appeals, opponents including Faulkner's widow have argued, should disqualify him from holding any publicly appointed position in the justice system.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown. 2) I have a special place in my heart. You know, for blood and vessels and stuff like that. 3) I can't figure out why blurry people always ask me if I’ve been drinking. 4) My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. We'll she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. 5) Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - : Money is literally no object for th rest of this week since you lost all your money at the church bingo hall last night. Bear in mind that when you're playing church bingo, blurted obscenities are frowned upon. That little old lady that yelled "f*ck" when "bingo" was called is senile and everyone overlooks and pardons her.
Birthdays: My friend Moe - Happy Birthday racer 19XX, Gerardus Mercator, Flemish cartographer 1512, Antoine Cadillac, founder of Detroit 1658, Charles Goodnight, cattleman 1836, Lady Augusta Gregory, dramatist 1859, Rosa Luxemburg, revolutionary 1871, Rex Harrison, actor 1908.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad,what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "Okay, son. The best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy."
He continued, "Lets say that I'm capitalism because I'm the bread winner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was awaken by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So,he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.
Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." His father replied, "Excellent, my boy. What have you learned?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people and the future's full of shit."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu.
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." The Rabbi answered, Yes, I do." The auditor asked, "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?"
The Rabbi said, "A good question. We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." The auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer replied, "Oh."
So the auditor decided he'd try another question, "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo? The Rabbi replied calmly, "Ah, yes, we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."
The auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi, asked, "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" The Rabbi replied, "Yes, here too, we do not waste. What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
The auditor, in disbelief, asked, "The IRS?" The Rabbi replied, "Yes, directly to The IRS and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
That's it for today, my little pots and pansies. Remember, nowadays most people don't like holding hands in public, especially if you don't know them. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Monday, March 3, 2014
The Academy Awards went off rather well last evening with a few funny moments including host Ellen Degeneres ordering (and receiving) pizza and a picture tweeted by Degeneres that set a retweet record and temporarily froze Tweeter.
One of the things that bothered me in Ellen's opening monologue was her comment about Best Picture. She said, "There are two possibilities this year. Possibility number one: '12 Years A Slave' wins best picture. Possibility number two: You're all racists."
Hey, if a movie is good, it's good and if it's bad, it's bad, skin color notwithstanding. It almost sounded like something that would come from an Obama rally. I thought the remark was in bad taste.
One of the yearly doses of reality for me is when the Academy recognizes actors who have recently passed. It was upsetting for me to reminded of the death of actress and former Mouseketeer, Annette Funicello.
Some of the major winners were Best Picture: "12 Years a Slave" Best Director: Alfonso Cuaron, "Gravity" Best Actor: Matthew McConaughey, "Dallas Buyers Club" Best Actress: Cate Blanchett, "Blue Jasmine" Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto, "Dallas Buyers Club" Best Supporting Actress: Lupita Nyong'o, "12 Years a Slave."
I thought the most sincere and moving acceptance speech came from Lupita Nyong'o, who won the Oscar for Best Supporting actress in "12 Years a Slave." Matthew McConaughey also gave a heart warming response in his acceptance speech for winning the Best Actor Award for "Dallas Buyers Club".
The News As I See It: The Academy Awards show is that special time of year when celebrities get all done up and dress their best so they can be judged by people at home wearing sweatpants and pajamas.
The Russian government gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, “They are getting cars as well, but don't open the trunk.”
Boeing, the airplane manufacturer, is working on a new smart phone that will self-destruct if it's tampered with. Apple also has a smart phone that will self-destruct if you spill water on it, drop it, tap it too hard, forget to update it or just kind of look at it the wrong way.
They've discontinued Moviefone. If this new makes you sad, press 1. If you couldn't care less, press 2. The Moviefone guy is looking for a new job. He's going to be looking at 2:15, 5:00, 7:45, and 10:30.
This Date In History: 1845; Florida became the 27th state in the United States. 1845; The U.S. Senate passed legislation overriding a presidential veto for the first time. 1875; Georges Bizet's opera Carmen debuted in Paris, to cool audience reception and panned by critics.
1879; Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood became the first woman lawyer to be admitted to appear before the Supreme Court of the United States. 1918; Germany, Austria, and Russia signed the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk.
1931; The "Star-Spangled Banner" was adopted as the national anthem. 1991; Rodney King's vicious beating by Los Angeles police officers was caught on videotape.
2000; Former dictator Augusto Pinochet returned to Chile after being detained in Britain on torture charges. 2003; New embassies opened in Kenya and Tanzania, to replace those lost in the 1998 terrorist bombings.
Picture Of The Day: A pizza delivery man got his 15 minutes of fame when he delivered the pizza that Ellen Degeneres ordered.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Do women know that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car? 2) The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses. 3) Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you. 4) For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering "Do something stupid to your hair." 5) All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes and tell me it's ok to get out of her bushes.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 3rd: Love moves in mysterious ways, mostly diagonal. If it upsets you that you just slept with your 3rd cousin, quit counting them.
Birthdays: George M. Pullman, industrialist 1831, Alexander Bell, American scientist, inventor of the telephone 1847 Matthew Ridgway, U.S. general 1895, Jean Harlow, actress 1911, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, athlete 1962.
|Lupita Nyong'o - Best Supporting Actress|
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says. "Congratulations!"
Looking at the cowboy, the clerk asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy replies, "Naw, thanks. I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
A tourist was admiring a Seminole Indian's necklace. She asked, "What is it made of?" The Indian replied, "Alligator teeth." The woman said, "I suppose that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." The Indian objected, "No, anybody can open an oyster."
|Matthew McConaughey - Best Actor|
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothin' much, I just wanted you to know you left your Injun running.
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Yeehaw" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yeehaw" and rode off.
The service-station attendant asked the woman, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman answered, "Nothing, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off. The attendant replied, "Lady, Indians don't use saddles."
That's it for today, my little Oscar winners. Remember, when someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That should tell you everything you need to know about marriage.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Friday, February 28, 2014
Everyone blames diet for childhood obesity. While important, the truth is that America's youth is fat because Phys-Ed (Physical Education) was taken out of schools. Combine this with cell phone mentality and the result is obvious.
In a televised discussion today, the panel was discussing the pros and cons of a healthier new menu being introduced in schools. One of the problems with the new menu was that children were not eating it and ended up skipping lunch, purchasing food from machines or going off campus to eat.
The only panel member that seem to understand the problem, brought up the subject that the schools went from the old menu to the new menu in one fell swoop. He suggested that the menu should have been changed gradually. While I agree, the problem is not caused solely by diet.
When I was in school, Phys-Ed was required every day. Moreover, almost everyone I knew enjoyed it. What we overlooked was that the exercises required before playing football or softball was keeping all of us in shape.
Importantly, cell phones didn't exist, so after chores and homework, most kids were outside playing. If you got thirsty, you drank water from the nearest garden hose and the games went on.
I don't recall seeing very many people in my school being overweight. When I view children arriving or leaving schools today, I'd say that up to half of them are overweight.
I'm somewhat incredulous that the subject of re-introducing Phys-Ed in schools to combat obesity never seems to be addressed, but that's just me.....
The News As I See It: This week Obama told his supporters that they are doing God's work by helping to promote Obamacare. God said, "Whoa, there! Obamacare.....that’s all you, man. Don’t involve me in that mess."
The supermarkets are selling something called "vegan burgers." Really? It's an oxymoron - unless they're burgers made from vegans. Taste the smug superiority!
Now that President Viktor Yanukovych’s gone, the Ukrainian people are going through the empty estate, where they've found a hovercraft, a yacht, a helicopter pad, and ostriches. They also found a painting of his brothers — Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Jackie.
A former Target employee is accusing the store of hiring only attractive people as managers. Apparently he's talking about a Target store I have never been to.
In California, the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. The dispensary owner said it's right there in the book of Dude-eronomy.
A Florida man tattooed a spider on his face in an attempt to overcome his arachnophobia, which is a fear of spiders. The tattoo should also help him overcome his fear of employment.
Obama has announced that 4 million people have signed up for Obamacare. Obama said he wants to hit 7 million users by the end of March, at which point he'll sell it to Facebook for $10 billion.
This Date In History: 1953; James Watson and Francis Crick described their theory that two DNA strands were coiled in a double helix. 2014; Jimmy's Journal sets a new precedent in journalism by actually adding additional information to "This Date In History" because the author had never seen a day where only one thing happened.
Picture Of The Day: "Don't look now but there's a group of Republicans coming our way."
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The "eye roll" was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam. 2) I call Realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule. 3) (Girlfriend): "You're cute when you're drunk" (Me): "You're cute when I'm drunk too." 4) How can so many people have this thought: "I'm going pretty bald on the top of my head, but at least I've got this bitchin' ponytail?" 5) If your girlfriend says she's going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall, you might be dating my ex-wife.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 28th: The best you could ever really hope for will appear to you today in a daydream. Although this vision may appear to look like you, the truth is even more frightening. You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are on the toilet. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways before you get to hear the really good part.
Birthdays: My friend June - Happy Birthday young lady! 19XX, Michel de Montaigne, essayist 1533, Rene Antoine Ferchault de Reaumu,r physicist and naturalist 1683, Mary Lyon, educator 1797, Ben Hecht, writer 1894, Bugsy Siegel, mobster 1906, Zero Mostel, actor 1915, Mario Andretti, auto racing driver 1940.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then, the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
She guessed, "Is it wine?" The boy replied, "No." She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" The little boy said, "No, it's a puppy!"
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. The personnel director says, "You’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
The director says, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.” This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
The director continues, "There’s one last requirement. You must be bilingual.” With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow.....!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that read, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
The stranger asked the owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" The owner replied, "Yep, that’s him."
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. He said, "That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" The owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, everybody kept tripping over him."
That's it for today, my little hamburglars. Remember, the difference between a gun and your mother-in-law is that you can buy a silencer for a gun. I'm gonna slide over to AREA 51 for happy hour/
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !