Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Don't Have A Stroke Harry - On Second Thought.....

Be he Democrat or Republican, Harry Reid is still a senile old asshole. His relentless attacks on Cliven Bundy (who happens to be guilty of the charges filed against him) is a vendetta. By the same token, Bundy has done no more than the "Occupy (anything)" assholes and nary a peep of protest came out of Reid's mouth.

Moreover, Reid has said little about the nearly $17,000 in campaign funds sent to his granddaughter and disclosed their relationship only under pressure from the Federal Election Commission.

Reid reimbursed the money after it was revealed his campaign had cut two separate checks of $5,417 and $11,370 to his granddaughter last October for what Reid described as "holiday gifts" and FEC regulations consider as personal use and not allowed.

As for Reid versus Bundy, the Bureau of Land Management (BLM), whose director was Harry Reid’s former senior adviser, has purged documents from its web site stating that the agency wants Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy’s cattle off of the land that his family has worked for over 140 years in order to make way for solar panel power stations.

Deleted from but reposted for posterity by the Free Republic, the BLM document entitled "Cattle Trespass Impacts" directly states that Bundy’s cattle "impacts" solar development, more specifically the construction of "utility-scale solar power generation facilities" on "public lands."

Back in 2012, the New American reported that Harry Reid’s son, Rory Reid, was the chief representative for a Chinese energy firm planning to build a $5-billion solar plant on public land in Laughlin, Nevada.

Journalist Marcus Stern with Reuters also reported that Senator Reid was heavily involved in the deal as well. He wrote. "[Reid] and his oldest son, Rory, are both involved in an effort by a Chinese energy giant, ENN Energy Group, to build a $5 billion solar farm and panel manufacturing plant in the southern Nevada desert. Reid has been one of the project’s most prominent advocates, helping recruit the company during a 2011 trip to China and applying his political muscle on behalf of the project in Nevada."

He continued, "His son, a lawyer with a prominent Las Vegas firm that is representing ENN, helped it locate a 9,000-acre (3,600-hectare) desert site that it is buying well below appraised value from Clark County, where Rory Reid formerly chaired the county commission."

Although these reports are in plain view, the mainstream media has so far ignored this link. Journalist Dana Loesch wrote, "A tortoise isn’t the reason why BLM is harassing a 67 year-old rancher. They want his land. The tortoise wasn’t of concern when Harry Reid worked with BLM to literally change the boundaries of the tortoise’s habitat to accommodate the development of his top donor, Harvey Whittemore."

Loesch continued, " Reid is accused of using the new BLM chief as a puppet to control Nevada land (already over 84% of which is owned by the federal government) and pay back special interests. BLM has proven that they’ve a situational concern for the desert tortoise as they’ve had no problem waiving their rules concerning wind or solar power development. Clearly these developments have vastly affected a tortoise habitat more than a century-old, quasi-homesteading grazing area."

Update: The Drudge Report, the #1 news aggregate site in the world, has now picked up this story. Unfortunately for the BLM, the documents they wanted to delete are now exposed for the world to see.

Update #2: ENN Energy Group describes itself as a "privately-owned clean energy distributor in China." However, as the People’s Republic of China is a single-party state governed by the Communist Party, all large companies in China, one way or the other, are either controlled or are heavily influenced by the Chinese government.

The News As I See It: Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It's the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it. After what we have done to it, it is almost disrespectful to have an Earth Day. It's like lice declaring a Head Day.

In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. That’s right, they’re recycling Apple products. Apple will recycle its used products for free. That's not to be confused with what Apple normally does — when it recycles its old ideas for $600.

Everyone celebrates Earth Day in his or her own way. In honor of Earth Day, I have filled all four of my pockets with fresh potting soil.

A new survey found that 81 percent of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children, while the other 19 percent of parents didn't think it counted as stealing if you bought the candy in the first place.

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s old hand-me-downs. Hillary is very excited about being a grandmother. She's home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit.

Some people are claiming they have spotted the Loch Ness monster on Apple Maps. But it turned out it was just a car that drove into the lake because it was using Apple Maps.

Last week celebrated John Muir Day. He is the father of our national parks, the most famous naturalist of all time. Do not confuse a "Naturalist" with a "Naturist." A naturalist is an expert on nature. A naturist is an expert on walking around outside naked. John Muir devoted his life to preserving nature. Without his tireless effort, America would be a dirty, over-developed commercial wasteland. Or as we call it, "Los Angeles."

This Date In History: 1616; Playwright William Shakespeare died in Stratford-on-Avon, England. 1954; Hank Aaron hit the first of his 755 home runs. 1969; Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death (later reduced to a life sentence) for the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy. 1985; Coca-Cola announced that it was changing its formula and introduced New Coke. 1998; James Earl Ray, convicted of assassinating Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., died. 2004; The U.S. resumed diplomatic relations with Libya.

Picture Of The Day: Throwback.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I exercise religiously, which means I go running dressed as the Pope. 2) I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass. 3) The best salesperson ever was the first woman to pluck her eyebrows, draw them back on, then convince a second woman to do it. 4) Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart and neither of them like it if you pee on them.....mostly. 5) Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm 80 percent Rice Krispies.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - April 23rd: The law may be your friend today or it might turn round and bite you in the ass. Either way the word "law" is going to crop up.

Birthdays: William Shakespeare, English dramatist and poet  1564, J.M.W. Turner, painter 1775, James Buchanan, President 1791, Max Planck, physicist 1858, Sergei Prokofiev, composer 1891, Ngaio Marsh, detective story writer 1899, Shirley Temple Black, actress, politician 1928.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three little boys were visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa?" Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked, "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant. After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?" His father replies "That's his trunk son." The boy says, "No, no, Dad at the back." His father replies, "Oh, that's his tail."

The boy says, "No, Dad, between his legs." The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son." The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing." His father replies, "Well, son, you have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A and M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of Texans took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph said, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out."

Joseph continued, "Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike."

Britney is stranded on an island. Britney is starving. Britney forms tool out of rocks and sticks. Britney sees a fish. Britney Spears.....

That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember,  irony is the opposite of wrinkly. Thank you.. thank you very much. I'll be here all week. For now, I'm going to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 21, 2014

Obama Postpones Keystone Pipeline Again

As per his usual Friday news dump tactics, Obama once again postponed the Keystone pipeline until after the midterm elections, where democrats are in dire jeopardy of losing senate seats and the majority. Why then, with the majority of congress in favor of the pipeline, would he do this?

Well, It seems that California billionaire environmentalist Tom Steyer pledged one hundred million dollars Thursday to to support members of Congress who come under attack for their opposition to the proposed Canada-to-Texas pipeline.

Republicans, as well as red-state Democrats who want the proposed Canada-to-Texas pipeline approved, slammed the administration for the delay. Democrats even threatened to find ways to go around the president to get the project approved.

The administration had been in the middle of a 90-day review period for federal agencies assessing an environmental study from the State Department. But the State Department said Friday it is giving agencies "additional time" to weigh in, in part because of ongoing litigation before the Nebraska Supreme Court which could affect the pipeline's route.

Keystone supporters in Congress were furious with the decision. Just days earlier, 11 Democratic senators had written to President Obama urging him to make a final decision by the end of May, complaining that the process "has been exhaustive in its time, breadth and scope."

With the extension, the administration effectively has turned down that request. One of the letter's signatories, Sen. Mary Landrieu, as chairwoman of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, also threatened to "take decisive action to get this pipeline permit approved."

This could put pressure on Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to allow a vote on legislation to either force the president to approve the project or make a decision by a certain date. There is a wide bipartisan support in the Senate.

Last year, the chamber voted 62-37 on a nonbinding amendment that called for the pipeline's approval. Landrieu, who is in a tough re-election fight this year, said the decision amounts to an "indefinite delay" of the project.

The News As I See It: Victoria Beckham, also known as Posh Spice, recently celebrated her birthday. You know who also had a birthday? The Ford Mustang. Now the Ford Mustang and Posh Spice are very different, of course. One's a sleek machine that's been redesigned a couple of times over the years but is still a great ride and the other one is a Mustang.

A new report claims that posing with a dog in your online dating profile makes you more desirable and posing with a cat means you're going to die alone.

This Date In History: 1836; Texan army under Sam Houston defeated Mexicans in the Battle of San Jacinto. 1910; Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), author of the novel Huckleberry Finn, died at the age of 74. 1918;

Baron Manfred von Richthofen, the notorious World War I German flying ace known as the "Red Baron," was killed in action today. 1960; Brazil inaugurated its new capital, Brasilia. 1975; South Vietnamese President Nguyen Van Thieu resigned.

1980; Rosie Ruiz was the first woman to cross the finish line at the Boston Marathon. She was later disqualified for cheating. 1995; Timothy McVeigh was arrested in connection with the Oklahoma City bombing.

1997; The ashes of Timothy Leary, Gene Roddenberry, and 22 others blasted into space for the first space funerals.

Picture Of The Day: A belated Happy Easter (island) from John Kerry.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My grocery list is just a written prayer saying, "Lord, please let make me run into anyone I know dressed like this." 2) Kids, you'll never know the pain of digging the innards of a beloved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil. 3) In 5th grade during biology my teacher asked me, "what is in cells?" I said my Uncle Ernie and Cousin Frankie and she made me go home. 4) What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it. 5) I counted five pregnant women at the "Noah" matinee. I'm praying that their water doesn't break.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - April 21st: You may wonder later today why the love-starved don't have a charity where the wealthy-in-love collect money and them send presents. Hey, don't look at me, it's working for the democrats.....

Birthdays: Charlotte Brontë, novelist 1816, John Muir, naturalist 1838, Anthony Quinn, actor 1915, Queen Elizabeth II, English queen, 1926, Tony Romo football player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. The old woman asked, "What's in the bag?"

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours."The guy asked, "What's that?"

The bartender said, "It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, "It's called a 'Pabst Smir'."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two 75 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra.

The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of 30."

The second man then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" the first man said, "You probably could, if you took 2 pills."

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" The man replied, "There's something wrong with my dick." The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

The man said, "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." The receptionist said, "We do not use language like that here. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" The man said, "There's something wrong with my 'ear'." The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" The man replied, "I can't piss out of it."

That's it for today, my little mud puddles. Remember, when you think you're having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on themselves.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 18, 2014

Scientist Prove That The Easter Chicken Actually Eggsists !

The appearance of multi-colored eggs all over America in April was baffling experts until the recent discovery of a species referred to as the Easter Chicken (Latin: Chickus Easterus), a species long believed to exist but never actually seen.

The Easter Chicken is believed to be a mutant breed of two classes of chicken referred to as "Chickus Kay Eff See Us" and "Chickus Perdueus." It seems that the Easter Chicken is capable of laying thousands of multi-colored eggs per day but only lays its eggs in April.

It seeks out wicker baskets and is especially fond of multi-colored Easter grass in which to lay its eggs. Once the month of April is over, the Easter Chicken spends the rest of the year sitting in a solution of Preparation H.

The growth of the Easter Chicken population came into being after being accidentally discovered by Al Sharpton while it was laying an egg in the new green growth of an Obama Chia Pet. Sharpton, ignorant of the species, quickly fired up his skillet, tossed in some lard and was ready for some finger lickin' fried chicken when he was stopped by science investigators.

During the ensuing melee, the Easter Chicken escaped and propagated. It is believed that the Easter Chicken will be laying it's eggs all across America this weekend.

The News As I See It: Easter Sunday is the day that people who have not seen the inside of the church since the previous Easter are present and all decked out in their Easter finery. The lucky part of the Easter services for the once a year visitors is that the preacher doesn't say anything about their lack of attendance and the roof doesn't cave in on them.

This year, Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, April 20th. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny.

The Southwest Airlines pilot who famously landed at the wrong airport has retired. He tried to retire to Florida but ended up in Alabama.

This Date In History: 1775; Paul Revere rode from Charlestown to Lexington to warn Massachusetts colonists of the arrival of British troops during the American Revolution. 1906; The Great San Francisco Earthquake destroyed over 4 sq mi. and killed over 500 people.

1923; The first game was played in Yankee Stadium (the House that Ruth built). Yankees beat the Boston Red Sox 4 to 1. 1956; Grace Kelly married Prince Rainier of Monaco. 1968; London Bridge was sold to an American. It was rebuilt in Arizona.

1978; The U.S. Senate voted to hand over the Panama Canal to Panamanian control on Dec. 31, 1999. 2002; Afghanistan’s former king, Mohammad Zahir Shah, returned after 29 years in exile. 2012; American Bandstand and New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark died of heart failure.

Picture Of The Day: The Easter Bunny, a known cohort of the Easter Chicken, usually takes the credit for the colored eggs, but as we all know, bunnies don't lay eggs, they create chocolate for eggs and bunnies.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Kidnappers abducted my girlfriend and now they're offering me a ransom to take her back. I'm holding out for more money. 2) If I had a parrot I'd teach it to say, "I know where they buried the bodies."  3) I came home from fishing today. My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother." I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about? 4) Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death...... 5) If you don't have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 18th: The crystal ball which I sometimes use for divining fortunes for those like yourself is smashed beyond repair. I can see bits of your future but they look bloody. I can't tell whether or not if it's your blood. Actually, it might not be blood at all, but a red sock. I'm not sure. Get back to me tomorrow.

Birthdays: My friend Janice - Happy Birthday 19XX, Lucrezia Borgia, noblewoman 1480, Carlos Manuel de Cespedes, revolutionist 1819, Clarence Darrow, American lawyer 1857, Max Weber, painter 1881, Leopold Stokowski, conductor 1882, Conan O'Brien, talk-show host 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. The man explained, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

On Easter Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The boy asked, "Father Donovan, what is this? The priest explained, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque until Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. The frog says, "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says. "My name is Kermit Jagger. My dad is Mick Jagger. It's okay, he knows the bank manager." Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says."'I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no...."

The man went on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't" With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?" The clerk replied, "Because you're at the Home Depot.

That's it for today, my little Easter Peeps. Remember, if a woman tells you that she is as flexible as a Slinky, don't test the theory by pushing her down a flight of stairs. Meanwhile, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. They don't have any staircases there.

Have a Happy Easter, a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Baby Names - Can They Get Any Weirder?

Every year I think baby names can’t get worse than last year's and then they do. One of the newest is Khaleesi. It's a made-up term from "Game of Thrones" and is now charting massively, to the tune of 146 baby girls in 2013.

It is not the worst name. That honor goes to Paisley. There are 2903 baby girl Paisleys wandering around. Paisley! This is like naming your child Terrible Tie Pattern or Ugly Scarf. Why would you wish this on your baby girl?

Some people just make up names because they like the sound or fit the trend. They usually make no sense, but then, consider the source. Shaniqua, Sha'Nay Nay, Barackisha, Kaneesha, Obamaniqua and Sasquatchia are a few that come to mind.

Back in the day, most names were taken from the Bible with some translated to fit other languages and dialects. Illiteracy and poor spelling produced variations of these names and lastly, of course, nicknames were spawned as well.

Every generation’s baby names has its "intellectuals" and quite often, their babies names are the refuse of literature. It is a tradition of long standing. For example, "Gone With the Wind” came out in 1936 as a book and 1939 as a movie. In 1936, Scarlett didn’t come up very often. There were Rhettas but no Rhetts.

By 1937 there were 7 little Scarletts. By 1940, a year after the movie, there were 59 Scarletts and 27 Rhetts. Both of those still make the chart. Maybe it’s not so bad. This is one of the major incentives to write fiction: to take up residency in the minds of others and to make your story a part of their stories.

Movies and movie stars have always been a source of names. Witness 2013's popular baby names including: Liam, Elizabeth, Noah, Olivia, Jacob, Logan, Mia and a host of others.

At least the namers are displaying some taste. Baby Anastasias stayed relatively stable in the years following the publication of "50 Shades of Grey" and the number of Baby Christians actually went down.

Theoretically, every parent should have the right to choose a name for their baby, but names like Johnny Johnson, Willie Williams, Tommy Thompson and I.P. Rainwater tend to make me believe that the parents may not be Mensa members.

Personally, I think there should be a law that requires every potential parent to Google their proposed baby's name before naming them. This might give the kid a fighting chance.

The News As I See It: They say Jesus had a wife. Maybe so, since he's not the first husband to get killed after drinking with 12 of his guy friends.

North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un.

A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better.

The Blood Moon is the second most impressive type of eclipse. Number one will always be a total eclipse of the heart.

In Afghanistan's early election, Abdullah Abdullah is doing great, especially among old people and stutterers.

This Date In History: 1746; The Jacobite uprising in England ends when Charles “Bonnie Prince Charlie” Stuart is defeated by the Duke of Cumberland. 1912; Harriet Quimby became the first woman to fly across the English Channel. 1917; Lenin returned to Russia after 10 years in exile in Switzerland.

1947; Financier Bernard Baruch coined the term "cold war” in a speech in South Carolina. 1947; Most of Texas City, Tex., destroyed when French ship Grandcamp exploded. 1972; China sent President Nixon two giant pandas as a gift. 1999; Hockey great Wayne Gretzky announced his retirement.

2007; A male student, Cho Seung-Hui, killed two in a Virginia Tech dorm, then killed 30 more 2 hours later in a classroom building. His suicide brought the death toll to 33, making the shooting rampage the most deadly in U.S. history. Fifteen others were wounded.

Picture Of The Day: If kids could talk at birth.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money today. I guess you don't see that many $20 bills. Glad you made sure it was legit. 2) My girlfriend sure is picky for someone who sleeps with me.  3) One of the showrooms at Ikea should be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together. 4) (Panty-less, waxed woman hanging off a bridge): "I'm gonna jump into that canoe." (Me): "No, that's your reflection." 5) The most awkward deathbed is probably a waterbed......"I love you."  *passes away*... *wobbles for two minutes*.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 16th: Drinking alcohol may well turn today into the worst possible tomorrow. Try to ensure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic.

Birthdays: My sweet Laury -Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Wilbur Wright, airplane inventor 1867, John Millington Synge, dramatist 1871, Charlie Chaplin (Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin), English film actor, director, producer, writer, and composer 1889, Merce Cunningham, choreographer 1919, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball player 1947, Selena Quintanilla Perez ,singer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14 percent, how much would you take off?

The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blond woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." The blond replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A 72-year-old-man is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "No, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class and right now!" The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you."

The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate."

With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "Screw you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

That's it for today, my little monkey shines. Remember, size does matter. No one likes a small pizza. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 14, 2014

Tomorrow Is Tax Day

Tomorrow is Tax Day and those of you who happen to have money will have to send some of it to Uncle Sambo. The deadline is April 15th at 12 pm, so you still have time to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts and make fake deductions .

Yep, tomorrow ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C. and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.

Did you know there's actually a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government? I never check that box. The Obama's have already had enough vacations. 

The IRS says it's been getting death threats since Obamacare passed because they are going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to investigate Republicans and threaten people.

Obama has a task force to reviewing the tax codes. He is concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes.....and that's just in his administration.

Although nobody likes taxes, they've been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense.

Finally, the main things you need to know about taxes are to remember to sign your tax return, write your check, sign it and make it payable to China.....

The News As I See It: After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

This year's income tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: 1) How much did you make last year? 2) How much do you have left? 3) Send amount listed in part 2.

A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, “Normally, we do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.”

This Date In History: 1775; Benjamin Rush was among those who founded the first American antislavery society. 1828; Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. 1860; The first pony express rider reached his destination of San Francisco. He left St. Joseph, Missouri, on April 3.

1865; Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. 1894; The first kinetoscope parlor opened in New York City. 1912; Titanic hit the iceberg that would sink her the next morning.

1969; In a record breaking night at the Academy Awards, a tie between Katherine Hepburn and Barbra Streisand resulted in the two sharing the the Best Actress Oscar and Hepburn broke the record as the only actress to win three Best Actress Oscars.

2002; Hugo Chávez returned as president of Venezuela after being forced out of office two days previously. 2003; Abu Abbas, the leader of the terrorist group Palestine Liberation Front when the group hijacked the liner Achille Lauro, was captured by U.S. forces in Iraq.

2010; An explosion in the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland results in a volcanic ash plume in the atmosphere over northern and central Europe. Air travel in the region is halted for several days.

Picture Of The Day: I don't know who came up with this idea, but I'd sure like to have one on my patio.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Her dad said he'd like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me. 2) I had myself waxed "down there". Now my socks slide on real easy.  3) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks. 4) The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping. 5) Grandchildren can be so annoying. How many times can you go, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 14th: How does one prognosticate one's horoscope knowing full well that monies have to be sent to Uncle Sambo tomorrow? The stars say knuckle down and complete your tax returns. I say get in the car and mosey over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Things will work out.

Birthdays: Anne Sullivan Macy, American educator, friend and teacher of Helen Keller 1866, Arnold Joseph Toynbee historian 1889, John Gielgud actor 1904, Francois Duvalier dictator of Haiti 1907, Loretta Lynn singer 1935, Sarah Michelle Gellar actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman went to the doctor for her annual check-up and as the doctor was finishing the exam, he asked, "You're in good health Mrs. Johnson. Do you have any additional questions?" Mr. Johnson replied, "Not for myself doctor, but I'm concerned about my husband."

The doctor said, "Oh? What seems to be the problem?" Mrs. Johnson said, "He seems to have acquired a taste for dog food and he eats it at least once a day." The doctors said, "Well, although that's a bit strange, the dog food shouldn't hurt him. Does he have any other problems?" Mrs' Johnson said, "No." The doctor advised, "Well, keep an eye on him and let me know if anything changes."

About a month later, the doctor ran into Mrs. Johnson at the grocery store and after exchanging pleasantries, he asked, "And, how is Mr. Johnson doing?" Mrs. Johnson replied, "He's in the hospital but I think he will be discharged this weekend."

Horrified, the doctor said, "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that eating the dog food would hurt him." Mrs. Johnson replied, "No, it wasn't the dog food. He was sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a truck hit him"

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?" She responded, "The first man was Pete, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

I'd adopt this little guy in a New York minute !

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man says, "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

The Deli owner said, "Why don't you people leave me alone? I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

The agent said, "It's not your income that bothers us, it's the deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." The owner said smiling. "Oh, that, I forgot to tell you....we also deliver."

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, Mark Twain once said, "The only difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !