Monday, September 1, 2014
On this beautiful Labor Day, I've begun to notice how people react to growing older, including myself. The first time I really noticed was the day one of my friends complimented me on my new alligator shoes and I was barefoot.
The little idiosyncrasies of life are becoming more noticeable. At first, it was the little things. I realized I no longer cared where my girlfriend went, as long as I didn't have to go with her. Little things bother me like being cautioned to slow down by my doctor instead of the police.
The term "getting lucky" now means remembering where I parked my car. An "all nighter" used to have a more significant meaning. Now it means not having to get up in the middle of the night to go pee. It's not just me, either. When one of my buddies tells me he's, "getting a little action", he means he didn't need to take any fiber that day.
But, there's a good side of things too. I've now realized that any man could have the mind and body of a 30-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. See, a younger man may know the rules but the older man knows the exceptions.
Yep, I can remember every detail of my life story. I just can't remember how many times I've told have the same person. One thing is for sure. As I've grown older, my memory isn't as good as it used to be. Also, as I've grown older, my memory isn't as good as it used to be......
The News As I See It: Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That's in addition to the $40 million they made taxing Doritos. It goes hand-in-hand.
A town in Minnesota elected a dog named Duke as its mayor. Yep, they elected a mayor that pees on the street, sleeps on the floor and eats out of the garbage.
The city of Toronto said, "Been there!" A new poll found that Obama's approval rating has hit a new low of just 40 percent. Or as Obama put it, "60 under par!"
This Date In History: 1807; Former U.S. vice president Aaron Burr was found innocent of treason. 1923; A devastating earthquake struck the Japanese cities of Tokyo and Yokohama. Nearly 150,000 people were killed and more than two million left homeless.
1939; World War II began when Nazi Germany invaded Poland. 1969; A coup in Libya toppled the monarchy of King Idris and brought Muammar al-Qaddafi to power. 1983; A Korean Air Lines Boeing 747 was shot down by a Soviet jet fighter, killing all 269 people aboard.
1985; A joint U.S.-French expedition located the wreck of the Titanic 560 miles off the coast of Newfoundland. 2004; Chechen terrorists took about 1,200 schoolchildren and others hostage in Beslan, Russia. Commandos stormed the school on September 3rd
Picture Of The Day: Maybe you can take it with you.....!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I asked my mom once how she knew dad was "the one". She said, "Because DNA tests don't lie." 2) I wonder if anyone has anybody tried unplugging Obama and Congress and then plugging them back in? 3) Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person's confidence, but nobody in the park seemed to appreciate it.
4) Christina Aguilera named her baby girl "Summer Rain". That's profound. I think her source of inspiration must have been a can of Glade air freshener. 5) Somewhere a village is missing its' idiot. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm drunk and I can't remember where I live.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - September 1st: Look left and right before taking your next step. What you believe to be a good idea will prove to be wrong, especially if it involves a billy goat. Eat a live toad today and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the week, assuming you don't go with me to happy hour.
Birthdays: My friend Don - Happy Birthday 19XX, Engelbert Humperdinck, composer 1854, Francis William Aston, physicist and chemist 1877, Walter Philip Reuther, labor leader 1907, Rocky Marciano, undefeated heavyweight champion boxer 1923, Seiji Ozawa conductor 1935, Gloria Estefan musician 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running, reaches the edge and into the wind he goes
Meanwhile, his Ma and Pa were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen! Ma says, "Pa, look at the size of that bird! Pa gets up and grabs his 12 gauge shotgun. He takes careful aim and.....Boom! Boom!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "Pa, I think ya missed him. Pa replies, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"
An Asian man arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" The passer-by hisses, "I'm not American, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by and says, "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I am not American, I am from Nigeria."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Pakistan, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole." One of the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!"
Bob said, "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking. The old man says to the young man, "Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretching out across the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well, I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo."
The old Scot continued, "Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretching across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Nooooo."
The old Scot said, "Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Nooooo."
Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers, "But ya screw one goat….."
That's it for today, my little dilly dallies. Remember, the key ingredients for a successful diet are: Duct tape, rope, rat poison, a shovel, a bag of lime, a good alibi..... Wait! That's the wrong list. As you were......
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Friday, August 29, 2014
Summer is ending, the Labor Day weekend is here and kids will soon be off to college. Don't worry parents, once they get their liberal arts degree, they'll be living back at home quicker than they can say, "You want fries with that?"
I'm looking forward to the long weekend as are many Americans who will enjoy the three day weekend before returning back Tuesday to being unemployed.
I love to cook during the long weekend, but I've had to change the menu because Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of chicken feet because they're "tainted". That's really going to really screw up my weekend barbecue.
I asked my Mexican neighbor if he wanted to come over for barbecue and he accepted. I asked him if they do barbecues in Mexico and he said, "No, the beans fall through the grill....."
The News As I See It: Burger King is moving to Canada. They bought the doughnut place, Tim Horton's. Financed by Warren Buffett, Burger King will be moving to Canada to avoid paying taxes. After hearing this, Obama immediately took away Buffett's medal of freedom.
A study, published in JAMA Internal Medicine, found sildenafil, commonly known as Viagra, may increase a man's risk for melanoma by as much as 84 percent. What? Modern medicine finally invents fix-a-flat, some poor old bastard uses it and five minutes later his tire falls off? Holy Crap!
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?
This Date In History: 1533; Atahualpa, the last ruler of the Incas, was murdered as Francisco Pizarro completed his conquest of Peru. 1786; Shays's rebellion, an insurrection of Massachusetts farmers against the state government, began. 1842; The Treaty of Nanking was signed, ending the Opium Wars and ceding the island of Hong Kong to Britain.
1877; Brigham Young died in Salt Lake City, Utah. 1949; The U.S.S.R. tested their first atomic bomb. 1957 Strom Thurmond ended the longest filibuster in U.S. Senate history. He spoke for more than 24 hours against a civil rights bill; the bill passed. 1966; The Beatles played their last major live concert at Candlestick Park, California.
1991; The Supreme Soviet, the parliament of the U.S.S.R., suspended all activities of the Communist Party, bringing an end to the institution. 2005; Hurricane Katrina slammed into the U.S. Gulf Coast, destroying beachfront towns in Mississippi and Louisiana, displacing a million people, and killing more than 1,000.
Picture Of The Day: Back country, Gunnison Delta, Colorado.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. She said, "Really? Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." 2) My friend got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at him so loud, he nearly fell in.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent 400 bucks and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 4) My girlfriend is at her classiest when, during a romantic interlude, I rip off her bra off and cookie crumbs fall out. 5) I was winning a Trivia competition last Saturday night until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer is Fiji.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 29th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.
Birthdays: Jean Auguste Ingres, painter 1780; Ingrid Bergman, actress 1915; Charlie "Bird" Parker saxophone artist and musician 1920; Dinah Washington, singer 1924; Slobodan Milosevic, political leader 1941; Michael Jackson, pop musician 1958.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house. So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
A long time ago, a Jewish man was walking down the New Jersey boardwalk when he saw a sign in front of an attraction that read "Herschel the Magnificent Jew." Being Jewish himself, his curiosity led him inside for the show.
When the curtains opened, there stood Herschel clad only in a bathrobe. He immediately open the robe and stood naked in front of the audience in all his glory. Herschel had the largest masculine equipment the old man had ever seen.
There was a wooden bench in front of Herschel and he put three large walnuts on it. He took his masculinity into his hands and he went "Whack! Whack! Whack!" and he smashed them into smithereens. The audience went wild with applause.
Twenty years later, the Jewish man was walking along the boardwalk and he saw the same sign, "Herschel the Magnificent Jew." Surprised, he went into the show and there stood Herschel in his bathrobe. He had not aged in all those years and he looked fantastic.
He put on the bench three coconuts, took off his bathrobe, took his masculinity into his hands and went "Whack! Whack! Whack and smashed the coconuts into smithereens.
After the show, the old man went backstage and asked, "Mr. Herschel, why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?" Herschel replied, "Vell, my eyesight, it ain't vat it used to be....."
Scenario: A man is walking down the streets of Washington, D.C. with his wife and two small children. Suddenly, a thug with a huge knife comes around the corner and charges him. The man is carrying a Glock 45 and he is an expert shot. He has mere seconds before the thug reaches him and his family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?"
Conservative Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Southerner's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click....(sounds of reloading). Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click.... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks, "What's that position?"
The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, ‘Your sister likes this position too.’ Then, you try to hang on for 8 seconds."
That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. I'll see you in AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Jimmy's Journal tends to lean toward the lighter side of life, yet each day, another hypocritical asshole makes news and pisses me off. Corporate taxes in America are nearly twice the amount as in other countries, inducing corporations to move their offices abroad in order to compete at the same level as foreign corporations. This type of action is referred to as a "tax inversion".
In the maneuver, which breaks no laws, a U.S. company buys a foreign competitor in a lower-tax nation and shifts its headquarters to that country. Obama and some congressional Democrats have been pushing to limit tax inversions.
When corporations move their operations offshore, it causes loss of tax income and the loss of jobs in America. While this problem has stirred many to call for a corporate tax overhaul. Barry Soetero, also known as Barack Obama, called this type of move "unpatriotic". I assume this term is spawned by the loss of tax dollars earmarked to the many Obama freebie giveaways under the guise of help for the disadvantaged.
Enter billionaire investor Warren Buffett, owner of Berkshire Hathaway Inc., who owns Burger King. Burger King has struck a deal to buy Ontario, Canada-based Tim Hortons coffee-and-doughnut chain for about $11.4 billion, with plans to place the new company's headquarters in Canada, where corporate taxes are lower than in the U.S.
Buffett, a democratic supporter and Obama fund raiser, backed an Obama administration plan named after him to force millionaires to pay the same share of their income in taxes as middle-class families. Yet, Buffett is seeking to move his company to another nation for the purpose of paying lower taxes.
In announcing the $11.4-billion deal Tuesday to buy Tim Hortons, the companies said Berkshire Hathaway would receive preferred shares in the new firm for its $3-billion investment.
Need more Buffett hypocrisy? On March 3, 2014, Warren Buffett on CNBC said he would vote yes for the Keystone pipeline not only for jobs but because "I believe it's a useful pipeline".
Really? If Buffett is telling the truth then he must have sold Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad. The following story is not new, but it reinforces my belief that Warren Buffett is a hypocritical asshole whose only concern is Warren Buffett.
The News As I See It: The 66th annual Emmy Awards was held Monday night. The Emmys are typically on Sunday night, but they moved them to Monday for the first time for 38 years. One reason is the VMAs were scheduled for Sunday night on MTV.
For those of you too young to know, music videos are something MTV used to play before it turned into a network for pregnant teenagers. The VMAs are a chance for all of the former Disney stars to show up with their new tongue piercings.
Speaking of the Emmy Awards, actress Sophia Verga performed a skit during the show which provoked some swishy critics to refer to the skit as "sexist". Obviously. these lady boys have never seen any of the leaked sex tapes from the likes of Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, not to mention the cavorting and twerking of the highly publicized Miley Cyrus. Grow up girly boys and get a sense of humor.
A devastating earthquake hit California's wine country, Napa Valley, over the weekend. The Red Cross is now asking for donations of Merlot. The 6.0 earthquake was so powerful it knocked Arnold Schwarzenegger off his housekeeper. It was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.
This Date In History: 1859; Edwin Drake drilled the first successful U.S. oil well near Titusville, Pa. 1883; A massive volcanic eruption on the island of Krakatoa blew up most of the island and resulted in tsunamis that killed over 36,000 people.
1928; The Kellogg-Briand Pact, outlawing war, was signed. 1945; U.S. troops began landing in Japan after Japan's surrender in World War II. 1962; The U.S. launched the Mariner II space probe. 2003; Mars made its closest approach to earth in 60,000 years.
Picture Of The Day: These Red Pandas are the epitome of cute. As per my usual, I neglected to jot down where they're from, but I am assuming Asia. Just Google it.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd like to give a special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring ice cold water on terrorists before the "ice bucket challenge" made it cool. 2) My girlfriend nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused. Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?
3) I'm not saying don't trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I've won and the number of Ipads I own. 4) If I were Noah, I would have been grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol. 5) MTV stopped having their "Unplugged" specials because the shitty artists we have nowadays can't play any instruments.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 27th: Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Destiny might play with your mind though and may take you to a pet store. Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better.
However, the chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch tomorrow are remote so you might as well quit, go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes.You may find love in unexpected places. It is equally likely that you'll find love on Ebay. The good thing about Ebay is there's a great sale on shoes today.
Birthdays: Charles G. Dawes, statesman 1865, Theodore Dreiser, writer 1871, Man Ray, photographer, painter 1890, C.S. Forester, novelist 1899, Lyndon B. Johnson, 37th Vice President (1961-63)and 36th President of the United States (1963-69) 1908, Frank Leahy, football coach 1908, Tom Ford, fashion designer, film director 1961.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked the blonde if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
She pondered the question then, finally said, "Yes, that was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
Davey asked the priest, "Father Donovan, what is this? Father Donovan replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab of $7.75, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip....three quarters.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
The waitress says, "Well, this quarter tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." The waitress continues, "And this quarter tells me you're a bachelor."
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third quarter tells me that your father was one, too."
Murray and Rose are senior citizens and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Rose, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Rose says, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."
Frustrated, Murray goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Rose, do you notice anything different?" Rose says, "What's different, Murray? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Murray yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!" Rose replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, a great way to have fun is to hang a map of the world in your house. Then, put pins into all the locations that you've traveled to. But first, travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Unlike my worldly traveling pals, Jack and Shirley, most of the pin locations on my travel map are bars.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Monday, August 25, 2014
The ALS ice bucket challenge has been a tremendous success. In just a few short weeks, the challenge has topped $50 million for the ALS Association and it’s showing no signs of slowing down.
What started out as a grassroots stunt -- believed to be launched by pro golfer Chris Kennedy in Sarasota, Florida, to support his wife’s cousin who has amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) -- has morphed into a social media sensation.
Since July 29, the campaign has raised $53 million and collected more than $10 million on one day alone. To put that whopping figure into perspective, the group raised $2.2 million in the same period last year.
Moreover, the movement is one of the most socially positive event I've seen in a while. While there are a lot of divided camps when it comes to politics and other inane issues, this particular cause has united a lot of family, friends and communities. Maybe this type of action and reaction can be spread to other worthwhile causes.
That said, you know I've come up with some political cartoons that I just couldn't resist showing you. They're a bit controversial, but then again, so am I.
Today's targets are Obama (always easy), the Chris Brown-Suge Knight shooting, The federal government's attempt at grabbing more federal lands and the indictment of Texas governor Rick Perry, spawned by his veto of a democratic judge who was arrested for drunken diving.
Perry was indicted Friday by a grand jury on abuse of power charges stemming from his battle to defund a state-funded bureau of anti-corruption investigators.
The suit originated from a standoff between Perry and Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg after she was arrested for drunk driving in April 2013 and subsequently pleaded guilty.
The News As I See It: Disney stock just reached a new high this week of $90.37 a share. That's when you know tickets to Disney World are too expensive — when it's actually cheaper to own part of the company.
PetSmart, the pet supply chain, didn't get quite the same news as Disney. The company may soon be sold to a larger company, or as they told their employees, "Your jobs are going to a farm upstate."
A new study found that having a big wedding boosts your chance of having a good marriage. While having a destination wedding boosts your chance of having friends who hate you.
This Date In History: 1718; New Orleans was founded by French settlers and named after the Duke of Orleans. 1825; Uruguay declared its independence from Brazil. 1875; Matthew Webb became the first person to swim across the English Channel. It took him 21 hours and 45 minutes. 1916; The Department of the Interior created the National Park Service to manage and preserve national parks and monuments for future generations.
1944; Paris was liberated from Nazi occupation by Allied forces. 1984; Author Truman Capote was found dead in Los Angeles. 2001; Singer and actress Aaliyah died in a plane crash in the Bahamas. 2003; NASA launched the infrared Spitzer Space Telescope.
2009; Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy, a fixture in the Senate for 46 years, dies of brain cancer at the age of 77. Kennedy, who served as a Democratic senator from Massachusetts since 1962, was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor in 2008. 2012; The first human to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong, died after suffering complications from a heart bypass.
Picture Of The Day: ISIS aggression and beheadings, the southern border porous and inviting and Obie plays golf. What a guy!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it's true love. After marriage, however, it is usually in self-defense. 2) Americans and Britons have different ways of saying things. They say "lift", we say "elevator". They say "President", we say "Money wasting narcissist". 3) If you tip the world over on its side, anything and everything that's illegal, loose or useless will land in Los Angeles.
4) Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll buy a stupid hat. 5) When I was eight, I saw a picture of myself in one of those strollers for twins. I asked Dad why there were two seats in the stroller. He said I used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 25th: Remember to chew before you swallow. There is no such word "ecseterar" and it's definitely not abbreviated as ect. The capital of you is your heart - never forget that. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming fortnight, so prepare for wealth, health and happiness, you lucky dog.
Birthdays: My pal Nick - Happy Birthday Bud! 19XX, Allan Pinkerton, detective 1819, Sir Hans Adolf Krebs, biochemist 1900, Leonard Bernstein, American composer, conductor and pianist 1918, George Wallace, Alabama governor 1919, Althea Gibson, tennis player 1927, Sean Connery, actor 1930, Regis Philbin, TV personality 1934, Tim Burton, director 1958.
|Rapper Chris Brown "shot at" and hip hop boss Suge Knight hit - One out of two ain't bad|
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a race horse and at eight I shit like a cow." The other men ask, "So what's your problem?" The man replied, "I don't wake up until nine."
A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." He replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
The nun said, "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." The nun said, "What a wonderful answer!"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with a bewildered look on her face and said, "Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God! I'm coming!'" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Friday, August 22, 2014
Sex is not the most important part of a relationship. It's afterwards when you're warm and naked, and you watch the sun come up through the windshield. You look in her good eye, help her strap on her leg and realize that you probably just screwed a pirate.
Speaking of getting screwed.....
Politicians, from Tiger Woods Obama, his asshole Chicago crony Attorney General Eric Holder, and Congress.....all the way down to local politicians in the cities and towns across America, have been reduced to spinning the truth to fit their needs and rarely address any point that doesn't conveniently serve their interests.
I can still recall some of the unmemorable, never changing speeches from past campaigns, to wit:
"My Fellow Americans: My name is Lying Politician and I'm a candidate for (president, congress, mayor, city council, dog catcher....whatever). My opponent, Thieving Politician, is a wife beater, communist, socialist, drunkard and car thief. If elected, I will cut your taxes, stop the war, buy you a car, send your children to college and mow your lawn. Please vote for me in November."
This is the new politics of America. Insult the opponent and promise the voters anything, knowing full well that you're a lying thief and have no intentions of fulfilling any campaign promises. Be as vague as possible about your background and true self.
Politicians are lower than whale shit and that's quite a feat indeed, seeing that whale shit is found at the bottom of the ocean......
The News As I See It: Egypt's foreign ministry called for the United States to show respect for the rights of protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Yeah, Egypt said that. Talk about living in glass pyramids.
A man in Massachusetts was arrested this week for breaking into a family’s house after a night of drinking and passing out in their living room. Or as most people in Boston call that, “Uncle Mike's here.”
You can now buy booze at Starbucks. Apparently my letter-writing campaign paid off. So, I went to Starbucks about an hour ago. I had a vodka-cchino.
Summer is nearly over and the kids are back in school. If you're able, send your kids to college so they get a degree and at least then they will know what kind of work they're out of.
This Date In History: 1642; The English Civil War began between supporters of King Charles I (Royalists or Cavaliers) and those of Oliver Cromwell (Roundheads). 1775 ; King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in open rebellion.
1846; The United States annexed New Mexico. 1851; The U.S. yacht America outraced the British Aurora off the English coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup.
1902; Theodore Roosevelt became the first United States president to ride in an automobile. 1910; Korea was annexed by Japan after five years as a protectorate. 1989; Black Panther co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland, Calififornia.
2003; Alabama's chief justice, Roy Moore, was suspended for refusing to move a Ten Commandments monument from the state courthouse. 2004; A version of Edvard Munch's painting The Scream was stolen in Norway. Another version had been stolen in 1994.
Picture Of The Day: Priorities.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've read about the danger and evils of drinking alcohol, so I gave up reading. 2) One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man is "That’s okay" which means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake. 3) I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
4) Older guys are now taking a new drug combination of Viagra and Doan's Pills. Using this concoction, the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out. 5) I despise protesters who riot and loot stores and I'd like to see them shot on sight. Nowadays, to be politically correct, you can't call them looters. You have to call them undocumented shoppers. I'd still shoot 'em on sight, but in a politically correct manner......and that's five !
Bonus sixth: I had to quit taking iron supplements when I used Viagra. Every time I got an erection, I pointed north.
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 22nd: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. This year looks like it's going to be a great one. Full of vigorous situations, sweaty encounters and trysts in mysterious places.
Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and you might be awkwardly caught out when the slightest, even accidental, touch causes you to wet yourself.
Birthdays: Claude Debussy composer 1862, Jacques Lipchitz sculptor 1891, Dorothy Parker writer 1893, Henri Cartier-Bresson photojournalist 1908, John Lee Hooker blues musician 1917, Ray Bradbury writer 1920, Norman Schwarzkopf general 1934, E. Annie Proulx writer 1935, Bill Parcells football coach 1941, Tori Amos musician 1963.
|Today's Cameron Diaz pictures are from her hit comedy movie, "The Counselor".|
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
Starting with one of the first applicants, she said, "I'm sure you can understand that in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
The job prospect answered, "Honest? Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
The counselor responded, "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"
She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."
|The Newest Rage - Fatkinis|
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies. "Wow! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an old and an old lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The man picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Up."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were hump or drown."
That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth! I'll see you over in AREA 51 at happy hour.
Have a nice weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !