Friday, October 24, 2014

Why Did This Doctor Roam NYC Instead Of Self Isolation?

One would think that even the flower children, Doctors Without Borders, would be wise enough to self-quarantine after treating African Ebola cases, but one would be wrong. I'm fine with these do-gooders going abroad to aid poorer nations, but make sure you don't return with some new disease we aren't prepared to control.

Good intentions notwithstanding, Dr. Craig Spencer came back from Guinea and carelessly went about his way in lieu of self-isolation. Spencer was rushed to Bellevue Hospital Center and placed in isolation as investigators sought to retrace every step he had taken over the past several days. At least three people he had contact with in recent days have been placed in isolation.

Dr. Spencer, 33, had traveled on the A and L subway lines Wednesday night, visited a bowling alley in Williamsburg and then took a taxi back to Manhattan.

Meanwhile, at today's Congressional hearing, newly appointed Ebola czar Ron Klain was imvited to appear but was a no-show. In his absence, a few Republicans tweaked Obama for choosing Klain, a lawyer with managerial experience, over someone with expertise in medicine.

Rep. Trey Gowdy, R-South Carolina, asked, "Why in the world did the president pick a dadgum lawyer?", pointing out that Klain doesn't have a background in communicable disease, infectious disease or West Africa.

With the continuing problems with ISIS, Islamic terrorists and now, Ebola, my confidence in Obama and Congress contiues to erode.....

Ron Klain, Obama's new "Ebola czar",  is a sharp-elbowed Democratic political operative with no medical expertise. Tapping him as "Ebola czar" may not be Obama’s best move when, as it is, no one can believe a word the Obama administration says.

That’s not just because Mr. Klain is yet another lobbyist recruited despite Obama’s vow that his administration would shun lobbyists. Klain was also a central player in Obama’s Solyndra fraud, which soaked taxpayers for over half a billion dollars for the benefit of Obama cronies.

The News As I See It: A diet pill endorsed by Dr. Oz was found to be based on bogus scientific research. Yeah, people are shocked that you can't trust a TV doctor named after a lying wizard.

Speaking of lying lizards wizards, the annual Wastebook report was released this week. It's an annual report that lists what Senator Tom Coburn describes as wasteful government spending. Our government spent $387,000 giving rabbits a daily massage. That doesn't sound wasteful to me. That sounds adorable.

It's kind of ironic for a member of Congress to be complaining about government waste. I think we spend around $5 billion every year on Congress. We don't seem to be getting anything out of that. What we got is a report on how much money they waste.

Speaking of major expenditures, a new Starbucks drink is on the way. They will soon be offering a chestnut praline latte. It's hard to criticize the government for wasteful spending when we pay $7 for candy-flavored coffee twice a day. They say a chestnut praline latte is the perfect beverage to buy a rabbit after a relaxing massage.

Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. Apparently the evidence is any episode of the "Real Housewives of New Jersey."

Someone jumped the White House fence again. The problem is that if the pizza doesn't get to Obama in 30 minutes, it's free and that comes out of their paycheck. I think we could solve this fence jumping if someone would just give Joe Biden a key.

This Date In History: 1648; The treaties for the Peace of Westphalia were signed, ending the Thirty Years War, ultimately destroying the Holy Roman Empire, and ushering in the modern European state system.

1901; Anna Edson Taylor became the first person to survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. 1931; The George Washington Bridge, connecting New York and New Jersey, opened to traffic.

1939; Nylon stockings were sold publicly for the first time, in Wilmington, Delaware. 1940; The 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938. 1945; The United Nations officially came into being as its charter took effect.

1992; The Toronto Blue Jays became the first non-U.S. team to win the World Series. 2003; The last Concordes landed in London, ending supersonic air travel.

Picture Of The Day: The Facebook page of Dr. Craig Spencer prior to his trip to Guinea.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think that my girlfriend got her hair highlighted because she felt some strands were more important than others. 2) I had a paper route when I was a kid. Every morning I would go to 300 houses or two dumpsters, depending on the weather.

3) Have you noticed the strange thing about men who hang out in bars a lot? It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there. They either have no wife to go home to...or they do. 4) A cop pulled me over in Miami and said, "Papers!" I said, "Scissors, I win", and drove away....ok, maybe not.

5) On a traffic light yellow means yield and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead, green means stop and red means you're holding an apple.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - October 24th: Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the soul. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you bought it from Ikea.

You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are on the toilet. This may cause you to dam your flatulence so you can hear the really juicy part. Chances of romance are 62.05 percent unless your attempt at damming your flatulence fails.

Birthdays: Antony van Leeuwenhoek, zoologist 1632, Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood, lawyer, activist 1830, Moss Hart, dramatist 1904, Denise Levertov, poet 1923, George Crumb, composer 1929, F. Murray Abraham, actor 1939, Kevin Kline, actor 1948.

How safe do you feel with this chubster as "Ebola czar"?

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?" Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine..."

Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

They're coming.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-year-old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

A seventy-two-year-old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The seventy-five-year-old man says, "At seven I pee like a race horse and at eight I shit like a cow." The other men ask, "So what's your problem?" The man replied, "I don't wake up until nine."

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." The nun said, "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." The nun said, "What a wonderful answer!"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with a bewildered look on her face and said, "Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God! I'm coming!'" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we would have lost her."

That's it for today, my little prairie puppies. Remember, if you are not committing any sins, you're probably not having a lot of fun. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe some karaoke.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Oscar Pistorius Sentenced To Five Years - He'll Do 10 Months

South African Judge Thokozile Matilda Masipa sentenced Oscar Pistorius to five years in prison on Tuesday for killing his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. If you believe this is a fair sentence, you probably believed, "If you like your health care plan, you can keep your health care plan."

The defense team said the law under which Mr. Pistorius was sentenced called for him to serve only one-sixth of the prison term — 10 months — before he can be placed under house arrest. He was also given a suspended three-year term on separate firearms charges.

Some South African legal experts said the conversion of prison time to house arrest was not automatic and required negotiations with the correctional authorities. After serving half the sentence, Mr. Pistorius can also apply for parole.

Nancy Goodman Brinker founded The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation in 1982, a group that has since become the largest and most well known breast cancer organization in the United States: Brinker fulfilled a promise to her sister that she would do everything she could to help eradicate the disease — a disease that Brinker also was diagnosed with and successfully fought.

In 2012, Komen founder and CEO Nancy Brinker became the focus of controversy when she announced Komen would be pulling the grants the organization had been providing to Planned Parenthood for breast cancer screenings, then quickly reversed that decision. Several months later Brinker announced she would be stepping down as Komen's CEO.

Ten months later, Brinker still held her position and tax documents reveal that she received a 64 percent raise and now makes $684,000 a year, according to the charity’s latest available tax filing. Komen says the raise came in November 2010, prior to last year's controversy. Ken Berger, president and CEO of Charity Navigator, which evaluates and rates charities, called Brinker's salary "extremely high."

Berger went on to say, "This pay package is way outside the norm. It's about a quarter of a million dollars more than what we see for charities of this size. This is more than the head of the Red Cross is making, for an organization that is one-tenth the size of the Red Cross."

The American Red Cross had revenue of about $3.4 billion, while Komen’s was about $340 million last year. Red Cross CEO Gail McGovern makes $500,000, according to the most recent financial documents available for the charity. Charity Navigator's most recent compensation figure for Nancy Brinker is $560,896 per year.

Georgia's Democratic party has a message for voters. Cast your ballot early if you don't want to see a repeat of the fatal shooting of a black, unarmed teenager in Ferguson, Missouri. A mailer distributed by the group which was first reported in the Atlanta Journal Constitution says, "If you want to prevent another Ferguson in their"

Accompanying the text is a picture of two young children holding up "Don't Shoot" signs. The August shooting of 18-year-old Michael Brown is recounted inside the mailer, which has already drawn backlash from some conservatives.

The mailer goes on to say,"What are we going to do about it? If we want a better, safer future for our children, it's up to us to vote for change." The mailer touts early voting as "an easier, more convenient option" and lists nearby polling places.

The city of Houston has issued subpoenas demanding a group of pastors turn over any sermons dealing with homosexuality, gender identity or Annise Parker, the city’s first openly lesbian mayor.

Those ministers who fail to comply could be held in contempt of court. "The city’s subpoena of sermons and other pastoral communications is both needless and unprecedented."

Alliance Defending Freedom attorney Christina Holcomb said in a statement. "The city council and its attorneys are engaging in an inquisition designed to stifle any critique of its actions." ADF, a nationally-known law firm specializing in religious liberty cases, is representing five Houston pastors. They filed a motion in Harris County court to stop the subpoenas arguing they are “overbroad, unduly burdensome, harassing, and vexatious.”

If there is anything that should unify Americans, it should be an assault on Christian ministers. It is absolutely amazing that the Obama administration sends a personal congratulatory note to the Islamic center in Oklahoma that spawned Alton Nolen who beheaded a 54-year-old American grandmother and we have this openly lesbian progressive socialist tyrant allowing a subpoena against Christian pastors.

The News As I See It: Start-up New York ostensibly helps you start, expand or relocate your qualified business to a tax-free zone in New York State with zero taxes for 10 years. What it fails to mention is that Governor Cuomo started the organization because New York is one of the highest taxed states in the nation. Residents and businesses are moving out in droves and the state needs new blood to feed on.

Starbucks will allow their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them.

Obama told Americans not to panic about Ebola. When asked about the Democrats' chances in the upcoming midterm elections, Obama said, "Ebola needs to be stopped."

It looks like they're working out the Ebola Problem. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit.

The NFL has created a sportsmanship award that will be presented to the winner on the eve of the Super Bowl. The winner will be whichever NFL player's not in jail on the eve of the Super Bowl.

Actor Matthew McConaughey says he doesn't want the Washington Redskins to change their name. When asked for a comment, a spokesman for all Native-American tribes said, "I guess that settles it. Just waiting for word from Matthew McConaughey. Now we can move on."

This Date In History: 1797; Andre-Jacques Garnerin made the first parachute jump from a balloon. 1836; Sam Houston was inaugurated as the first president of the Republic of Texas. 1954; West Germany joined the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO).

1962; President Kennedy announced an air and naval blockade of Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet missile bases on the island. 1973; Spanish cellist, conductor, and composer Pablo Casals died in Puerto Rico, at age 96.

1979; Muhammad Reza Shah Pahlevi, the deposed Shah of Iran, was allowed in the United States for medical treatment. This action led to the Iran hostage crisis.

Picture Of The Day: How desperate can the Georgia Democratic Party be? Hey, we're running behind. Let's play the race card.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) All my passwords are protected by amnesia. 2) When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5. 3) How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? 4) Some people have things called wrinkles which are similar to my character lines. 5) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 22nd: This week will be good for you but the fact that you take out the garbage does not mean you have cleaned the house. If you don't believe me, ask your spouse. Chance of romance is 42.68 percent. Also, did you know that 42.68 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

Birthdays: My friend Michael - Happy Birthday 19XX, Franz Liszt, Hungarian composer and pianist 1811, Collis Potter Huntington, railroad builder 1821, Sarah Bernhardt, actress 1844, John Reed, journalist and radical 1887, Doris Lessing, novelist 1919, Christopher Lloyd, actor 1938, Annette Funicello, actress 1942, Catherine Deneuve, actress 1943, Jeff Goldblum, actor 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."

The old explorer continued, " I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROAR!.......I just shit my pants."

The reporter said, "Wow! Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went 'ROAR!'"

 A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer in the leg without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else was looking. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, an old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . . Poof!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life."

Mother Nature went on, "Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then Poof!.....she was gone.

After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered to his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows." Dave yells back, "Don't swing Fred, don't swing!!"

That's it for today, my little grasshoppers. Remember, be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Kesolowski Takes Talladega 500; Wasserman Schultz Dissed

The Talladega 500 Nascar race had some unusual happenings this weekend with Brad Kesolowski pulling off a last lap win and the elimination of Dale Earhardt Jr, Jimmy Johnson, Kasey Kahne and Kyle Bush.

Coming off some idiot moves last weekend in Charlotte, Keslowski's only chance to move on to the next championship round was to win the race and win he did. Although I'm not a big fan of Brad's aggressive and dangerous moves at the expense of other drivers, his determination to capture the win was admirable.

Suffering some damage to his race car in the early going, Kezolwski came back to pull off a last lap pass and win the race. Oddly enough, Matt Kenseth, who scuffled with Kezolowski last weekend, finished second, followed by Clint Boyer, Landon Cassill with Ryan Newman finishing fifth.

The championship series moves on to the "paper clip", Martinsville Speedway, this weekend and the half-mile oval should really produce some bumping and banging and possibly a little retribution..... 

You might not have noticed, but Reince Priebus got in a real zinger against Debbie Wasserman Schultz today. In a joint appearance on Fox News Sunday, DNC Chair DWS claimed that the key question for voters will be "who has my back?" Shot back RNC Chairman Priebus, "the President hasn't had anybody's back......not even your back."

That was a reference to the Politico story, "Democrats turn on Debbie Wasserman Schultz," reporting on President Obama's disdain for Debbie. Since 2012, the White House has wanted to dump DWS as DNC Chair. She is so shut out of meetings with the president that, according to Politico, "the DNC chairwoman stakes out the President of the United States at the end of photo lines at events and fundraisers."

DNC chair as virtual stalker? Not a pretty picture. And there was Reince to remind her about it. Wasserman Schultz didn't even attempt to refute Priebus's shot, but you can be sure she will not soon forget it.

Debbie Wasserman Shultz as she looks before a makeover

Personally, I can't imagine any political group to be so deaf and dumb as to have put DWS in any power position. Besides her sickening arrogance, she is a habitual liar and will downright deny the truth even when exposed and caught in lie after lie.

I will say one thing in Debbie' favor. She has finally heeded the advice of many and now has a complete makeover whenever she knows she is going to be on national television.....

The Photoshop folks always enjoy working with Debbie

The News As I See It: Obama just appointed someone named Ron Klain as the new "Ebola Czar" to oversee the government’s response to the crisis. You know that’ll be a tough job, but not as tough as introducing yourself as the Ebola Czar and extending your hand.

TSA Chief John Pistole announced that he is stepping down. So whoever takes his place is going to have some pretty big shoes to take off. Well, he actually stepped down a while ago, but he's been going through security for three and a half years.

Whole Foods is introducing a new system that will label its produce "good, better, and best" depending on their supplier's farming practices. Good means "no pesticides," better means "environmentally friendly," and "Best" means "still not worth five bucks for an apple."

Time magazine today released a list of the 25 most influential teenagers. When they heard they made it on the list, every teenager had the same response: "What's a magazine?" You know who is on this most influential teenager list? Kim Kardashian's younger sisters. They've been very influential. They've influenced a lot of people to change the channel.

Amazon announced they're opening a store in Manhattan. In other words, Amazon doesn't understand the point of Amazon.

This Date In History: 1803; The Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase. 1944; Gen. Douglas MacArthur returned to the Philippines, 30 months after he said "I shall return."

1947; The U.S. House Un-American Activities Committee opened meetings about alleged Communist infiltration in the Hollywood film industry.

1964; The 31st president of the United States, Herbert Hoover, died in New York at age 90. 1968; Jacqueline Kennedy married Aristotle Onassis.

1973; During the Watergate scandal, Attorney General Elliot L. Richardson and Deputy Attorney General William B. Ruckelshaus resigned and special prosecutor Archibald Cox was dismissed by President Nixon in what came to be known as the "Saturday Night Massacre."

1973; The Sydney Opera House was opened by Queen Elizabeth IIlinois. 2011; Colonel Muammar el-Qaddafi is killed by rebel troops in Surt, Libya, his hometown.

Picture Of The Day: The Martinsville Speedway, often referred to as the "paper clip" This view may help you see where the phrase came from.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I ever get another cat, I'm going to name him Mandu. 2) Nowadays, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." 3) As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. 4) Always keep several "get well" cards on your mantel. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean. 5) Saying it's McDonald's fault because your kids are fat is like saying it's Hooter's fault because your husband likes big tits.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October20th: The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Whenever you feel unhappy today, smile and go to the toilet. This action should soon turns things around for you.

Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump into it. If you pause, say to try and scrape off some dog poop from the bottom of your shoe, you might miss it.

Birthdays: My friends Jay and Mario - Happy Birthday 19XX, Arthur Rimbaud poet 1854, John Dewey philosopher, educator 1859, Charles Ives composer 1874, Bela Lugosi actor 1882, Jelly Roll Morton musician 1890, Arlene Francis actor, TV personality 1907, Art Buchwald humorist 1925, Mickey Mantle baseball player 1931, Elfriede Jelinek novelist and playwright 1946, Tom Petty musician 1950, Viggo Mortensen actor 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some older women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

The other girls ask, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" The woman says, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket. When his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "I'll go right now."

So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras. She asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "I'd love to little lady, but my wife's waiting for me up in the room."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he mentioned that things were all done for him. He said, "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go."

His friend asked, "But how do you know when you are going to land?" He said "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground."

His friend said, "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" He quickly answered, "The dog's leash goes slack."

After an examination, the doctor said to the old man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" The old man replied, "In fact, I do. After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"

The woman replied, "Yeah, that's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

That's it for today, my little muskrats. Remember, if you ever wonder how high you should be before making a parachute jump, I figure three days of steady drinking should do it.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Heartbreak Of Sports

The 2-3 Miami Dolphins play Chicago this weekend and the team has been cautioned about the dangers of Ebola. If last week's loss with seconds left to go against Green Bay is any indication, chances are they won't catch anything.

Of course, there's the high crime rate that is becoming synonymous with Chicago, but the people of Chicago already have an NFL team, so they're accustomed to it. All NFL teams have received a newsletter informing them about the dangers of Ebola. Meanwhile, Ebola has received a letter about the dangers of the NFL.

More Football: Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for stealing cologne and a two-pack of underwear from a store in Texas. That's disappointing for two reasons. First, he was stealing. Second, he couldn't outrun a mall security guard. He’s an NFL running back. Break a tackle!

The Nascar Sprint Cup Chase Championship goes to race at Talladega, Alabama this weekend and after the numerous on and off track incidents in Charlotte last weekend, racing three and four abreast at over 200 mile per hour should make for an interesting race.

The Camping World Truck series races on the high banks on Saturday afternoon with the Sprint Cup drivers duking it out on Sunday.

The News As I See It: Obama is trying very hard to put people at ease about Ebola. Obama said he hugged and kissed some of the nurses in Atlanta who had treated the patients with Ebola. After kissing Obama, all nurses involved were rechecked for Ebola.

Speaking of monkeys, The government of Gibraltar gathered about 30 monkeys that they call "problem monkeys" because of their destructive behavior and shipped them off to live in Scotland. I don't know about mixing monkeys with Scottish people. They can be violent, nasty and unpredictable. So be careful, monkeys.

A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. I think that's a bit critical. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style.

There's a drought in Los Angeles and the mayor said residents should cut water use by 20 percent. Unfortunately, he said it in English, so nobody understood him.

The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called "Operation Inherent Resolve." They came up with that name using "Operation Random Thesaurus."

New York City is still overrun with rats. There are so many rats that Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat spayed or neutered.

Forbes has released their list of top-earning deceased celebrities. The richest famous dead person this year is Michael Jackson. He earned $140 million this year. You have to admire Michael's work ethic. A lot of big stars stop working when they die.

This Date In History: 1777; British Gen. Burgoyne surrendered in Saratoga, N.Y. during the American Revolution. 1931; Mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion for which he was sentenced to 11 years in prison.

1933; Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany. 1979; Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor in Calcutta, India. 1989; An earthquake measuring 7.1 in magnitude killed 67 and injured over 3,000 in San Francisco.

Picture Of The Day: The Miami Dolphins lose to the Green Bay Packers as the Pack scores with four seconds remaining in the game.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower. 2) I need a vacation. It took me 15 minutes of my girlfriend talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car. 3) Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein.

4) I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom and I went in, only to find my girlfriend in bed with 10 ducks. I'm heartbroken. 5) The city of Chicago got started when a bunch of people in New York said, "You know, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 15th: You may not be pleased with today's experiences, but tomorrow will be great. Keep in mind that half the people in the world are below average. So hang loose pilgrim, tomorrow will be a better day. Chance of romance is 66.47 percent today increasing to 89.04 percent tomorrow.

Birthdays: My friend, Elaine - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX,   Nathanael West, novelist 1903, Irene Ryan, actress 1903, Arthur Miller, playwright 1915, Rita Hayworth, actress 1918, Montgomery Clift, actor 1920, Evel Knievel, daredevil 1938, Margot Kidder, actress 1948, Mae C. Jemison, physician, astronaut 1956, Ernie Els, golfer 1969.

Another beautiful photograph by Oscar Lopez

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?"

The new farmer replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far enough apart."

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."

The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A rich Texas oilman and his wife were having dinner when a stunning woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "She's my mistress." His wife says, "That's the last straw. I want a divorce and I'm going to hire the meanest, most aggressive lawyer I know and make your life miserable.

The husband says, "I understand, but remember, if we get a divorce, we'll have to divide everything. I'll have to sell our estate, so that we can buy two two smaller homes. I'll have to sell the Rolls-Royce, so that we can buy economical cars. It will mean no more vacations in the Caribbean, no more country club privileges and you'll have to give up all your charge accounts."

Just then, a mutual friend came in with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The wife asks, "Who's that with Jim?" The husband says, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier!"

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison."

The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

An old drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I just love ballerinas." The woman stares at the drunk and replies angrily, "I'm not a ballerina!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. I'm joining my friends in AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !