Friday, September 23, 2016

The Presidential Debate

One hundred million households will view the presidential debate Monday night. Amusingly, social media will light up like a Christmas tree. I don't know which is scarier. The candidates are somewhat enlightened, but half of social media are whackadoodles.

NBC's Lester Holt will moderate the first debate. While NBC is notoriously liberal, Lester Holt is a professional and hopefully conduct a non-biased debate. Recent criticism of Matt Lauer's handling of the Clinton-Trump forum notwithstanding, my hopes that Holt and future moderators will not be affected by biased public opinion and will do a good job.

Nevertheless, Monday night should be very interesting and I look forward to the debate.

Lester Holt

The News As I See It: Yahoo announced that at least 500 million user accounts have been hacked, which would be one of the biggest cyber security breaches ever. They got information from 500 million people who are still inexplicably using Yahoo.

Mike Pence, Donald Trump’s running mate, said that his role model for the vice presidency is Dick Cheney. To prove it, this weekend Pence had six heart attacks and shot his friend in the face.

Everybody’s talking about these leaked emails from former Secretary of State Colin Powell. In one, he actually called Dick Cheney an idiot. Cheney was very hurt. In fact, he said the comments broke his latest heart.

Recent polling has shown that Hillary Clinton’s lead over Donald Trump has almost totally disappeared and the candidates are basically tied. They’re neck and neck. Well, for Trump it’s the neck. For Hillary, it’s more like a gizzard thing.

A woman in Oregon who was hospitalized for E. coli after eating Chipotle is suing the company for free Chipotle. It’s all part of Oregon’s "right to die" law.

A man is getting barmitzv’d at age 113. They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised.

This Date In History: 1779; John Paul Jones declared, "I have not yet begun to fight!" aboard the American warship Bonhomme Richard in the battle against the British man-of-war Serapis. 1806; After a three-year journey to the Pacific Northwest, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis.

1846; German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune. 1939; Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, died in London. 1952; Vice presidential candidate Richard Nixon delivered his "Checkers speech" rebutting charges of improper campaign financing.

1973; Former Argentine president Juan PerĂ³n returned to power. 2011; Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas officially requests a bid for statehood at the UN Security Council. 

Picture Of The Day: The Clintons at their finest.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I joined a health club last year, spent 400 bucks and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 2) My girlfriend is at her classiest when, during a romantic interlude, I rip off her bra off and cookie crumbs fall out. 3) If you tip the world over on its side, anything and everything that's illegal, loose or useless will land in Los Angeles. 4) I had to quit taking iron supplements when I used Viagra. Every time I got an erection, I pointed north.  5) You know you're from the South when you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 20th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.

Birthdays: Euripides, Greek tragic dramatist, ranking with Aeschylus and Sophocles 480 or 485 B.C,, Mickey Rooney, actor 1920, John Coltrane, jazz musician 1926, Ray Charles, musician 1930, Bruce Springsteen, singer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

Tyrone goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Tyrone gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Tyrone replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Tyrone's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Tyrone's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Tyrone how is your hearing now?" Tyrone replies, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Little Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "I'll go right now."

So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras. She asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "I'd love to little lady, but my wife's waiting for me up in the room."

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Friday, September 16, 2016

How Do Some Morons Become Congress Members?

In a TV interview, a Congresswoman said, "That's hyperbole". She pronounced it: "hyper bowl". A tip for politicians and some reporters: If you mispronounce the word, you usually don't use it and/or don't know it's meaning. I still cringe at "New-kew-lar" (nuclear).

And who can forget the brilliant Nancy Pelosi who she said on national television, "But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy."

How Congressional districts are formed and reformed is usually a partisan endeavor. In most cases, a state’s district lines--for both state legislative and congressional districts--are redrawn by the state legislature, and the majority party controls the process. Some states require bi-partisan or non-partisan commissions to oversee the line-drawing.

However, the state governor and majority party leaders often control who is appointed to these commissions. At the local level, city council presidents and/or council members usually oversee the redistricting process. Some states are moving toward involving citizens in the redistricting process and creating truly independent redistricting commissions.

Gerrymandering is a practice intended to establish a political advantage for a particular party or group by manipulating district boundaries.

With all of these continuing changes, some representatives squeeze through the cracks with little or no ability to do the job. Therein lies the problem, hence "hyper bowl".

There are many common words that people just absolutely destroy, two of which that drive me up a wall are: "Jew-le-ry" (jewelry) and "Real-a-tor"(realtor). I'm sure my readers have your own verbal thorns that aggravate you.

There are many words that: a) I don't know the meaning or b) I do not pronounce the word correctly. I always appreciate when I'm corrected because that's how one learns and expands one's vocabulary.

There are those who say words because they're just stubborn or holier-than-thou. A prime example is Obama who still chooses to use the acronym ISIL while the entire world refers to the same group as ISIS. Yet he is still unable to say "Muslim Terrorists". Go figure. I guess he figures it will make his family angry, but I digress. Sic' em !

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue of Women’s Health magazine. Next month she’ll be featured in "Bad Timing" magazine.

The upcoming movie about Obama during his college years reportedly shows a young Obama shirtless, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. The title should be: "Back To The Future 2017: Obama Returns To His Chicago Ghetto Days."

Wal-Mart is working on a self-driving shopping cart that would return itself to the store after you’re done using it. Though the minute that Wal-Mart shopping cart becomes self-aware, it’s going to drive itself to Publix and never look back.

Donald Trump decided to clear the air and reveal the results of a recent physical, on "The Dr. Oz Show." It's an interesting move. Like for Donald Trump, you know, sure, Dr. Oz is a respected doctor — you know, in the same way that Dr. Dre is a respected doctor.

This Date In History: 1630; The Massachusetts village of Shawmut changed its name to Boston. 1810; Mexico began its revolt against Spanish rule. 1908; General Motors was founded by William C. Durant.

1919; The American Legion was incorporated by an act of Congress. 1940; The United States first adopted peacetime conscription when President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Selective Training and Service Act into law.

1974; President Ford announced conditional amnesty for Vietnam War deserters and draft evaders. 197u5; Papua New Guinea became independent. 1982; Lebanese Christians massacred hundreds of Palestinian refugees in Beirut.

1987; The Montreal Protocol was signed by 25 nations, limiting production of substances that harm the ozone layer. To date, 197 nations have ratified the protocol.

Picture Of The Day: I'm an adorable deplorable.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If my arms are full of papers, boxes or books, don't bother opening the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a cripple and opening doors is good training in case I should ever be injured. 2) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was probably just the Mace. 3) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-girlfriend and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a bitch. 4) The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. 5) The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 16th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.

Birthdays: James Jerome Hill, railroad builder 1838, Albrecht Kossel, physiologist 1853, Jean Arp, sculptor, painter 1887, Allen Funt, radio and television producer 1914, Lauren Bacall, actress 1924, Charlie Byrd, jazz guitarist 1925, B. B. King, guitarist 1925,

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching FOX News, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

The coach thinks, "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect Arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

He says into the phone, "Mom, I just won the Super Bowl!" The old woman says, "I don't want to talk to you, You are not my son!" The young man pleads"I don't think you understand, Mother," The young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

His mother tells him, "No! Let me tell you! At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!"

When Jesus died and went up to Heaven, the first thing he did was to look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looked like. He looked high and low but could not find him.

He asked St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter said he didn't know. He asked the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel didn't know. He asked John the Baptist, "Where is my father?" But John did not know.

So he wandered Heaven, impatiently searching for years. One day, he saw out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man was very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus yelled, "Who are you?" The old man said,"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus was very curious. Could this be his father?

Jesus said, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man said, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." Jesus screams, "Father!" The old man yelled, "Pinocchio!"

That's it for today, my little puddy tats. Remember, one of the good things about experience is that it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Keep Your Conversation To Yourself

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the plane proceeded to take off, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.She started talking in a loud voice, "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the plane. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

She continued, "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

The Obama administration is behind a plan that would have the U.S. government relinquish its last bit of control over the Internet – a move Republican lawmakers are fighting tooth-and-nail.

The transfer was set in motion two years ago when a Commerce Department agency said it would cede oversight over an obscure, but powerful, Los Angeles-based nonprofit called the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN).

This is real folks and I'm not too happy about it. We need new blood in the White House. One who will keep what belongs to America in America

The News As I See It: There’s been a lot in the news about Hillary's recent bout of pneumonia. Her doctors say she’s doing well and she’ll be up and deleting emails in no time.

The big season premiere of "Dancing With the Stars" premiered and at one point, two protesters rushed the stage as Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte got his scores. Security stopped them within about 10 seconds, or as Lochte put it, "They kidnapped me, put a gun to my head, and dropped me off at the Grand Canyon!"

Fashion Week is in full swing in New York City. During one interview, Kendall Jenner made the comment that Hillary Clinton might look good in a jumpsuit. If they ever find those emails, it’ll be an orange jumpsuit."

Some interesting photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. He is at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. Yep, just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models. This is probably why Trump hates Hillary. She ruined this for them. She took his wing man away.

During the Rams vs 49ers NFL game, a fan that ran onto the field had more rushing yards than the entire Rams offense. The guy got arrested. Now that we know he can run and has a criminal record, so he’s perfect for the NFL.

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson began his exploration of the Hudson River. 1953; Future President John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier. 1977; South African black civil rights leader Steven Biko died while in police custody.

1992; Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first black woman in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour. 1999; Indonesia announced it would allow an international peacekeeping force to restore order to East Timor.

Picture Of The Day: Things are going swimmingly.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always wear a wet suit and goggles when I go to Miami Beach to party so I don't look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning. 2) I coached my son's baseball team because it's important that he knows I swear at other kids, too. 3) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 4) A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. The mother mouse says to her baby, "See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"  5) When I was six years old, I played "doctor" with the girl next door. I am still a practicing physician.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 13th: Mondays are a pain and Wednesdays are hump days, but you've got a job and that's what's important. That bachelor of arts degree you have will move you from the deep fryer to MacDonalds manager soon. Chances of romance are 91.5 percent. Visualize using your turn signal.

Birthdays: Milton Hershey,  chocolatier, philanthropist 1857, Walter Reed, American army surgeon 1851, John J. Pershing, army officer 1860, Arnold Schoenberg, composer 1874, Sherwood Anderson, novelist 1876, J. B. Priestley, author 1894, Claudette Colbert, movie actress 1903, Bill Monroe, bluegrass musician 1911, Roald Dahl, writer 1916.  

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me."

He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ... "as soon as that tractor is paid for..."

Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." Her husband said, "Watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Mother Superior passed two young novices and said, "Good morning, ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.

Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.

Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me." Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember, the one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that a chicken is food, not a roommate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, September 9, 2016

Time To Draw Another Red Line In The Sand

North Korea conducted its fifth nuclear test with a blast more powerful than the Hiroshima bomb, giving them the ability to mount a warhead on a ballistic missile. Obama will probably draw another red line in the sand which was so successful in Syria.

North Korea's seemingly largest nuclear test caused a 5.3-magnitude seismic event and was described by South Korea as "maniacal recklessness".

Obama condemned the nuclear test, saying the US will never accept North Korea as a nuclear state and vowed to push for new international sanctions. He was earlier briefed while on Air Force One as he returned from a trip to Asia, warning of "serious consequences" for the secretive country.

Therein lies the problem. China is hesitant to put much pressure for fear that any more pressure might cause North Koreans to flee into China, a situation that China does not want or need.

As for Obama, he drew a red line in the sand in Syria, which Syria promptly ignored and Obama did nothing. Much like the bantam rooster, Obama crows a lot but is not inclined to back up his rhetoric with military action. 

Apple launched a new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album. It is water-resistant, has stereo sound and a better camera but it doesn't have that one feature that I want: affordability.

The News As I See It: Football started Thursday night with the Denver Broncos playing their first game since Peyton Manning retired. Trevor Siemian took his place and before kickoff, Peyton put his arm around Trevor's shoulder, looked into his eyes and said, "You know, starting today, you can get two medium Papa John's pizzas for $6."

The use of marijuana by older Americans has skyrocketed. It is up 455 percent since 2002 — which, of course, is the year Oprah made it one of her Favorite Things. Among seniors 65 and older, monthly marijuana use is up 333 percent. That's just Willie Nelson.

Jessica Alba’s Honest Company is selling "bipartisan diapers" featuring the Democratic donkey and Republican elephant holding hands. Because at the end of the day, both Republicans and Democrats are basically full of the same thing.

This Date In History: 1893; President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Esther Cleveland, became the first president's child to be born in the White House. 1926; The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) was created by the Radio Corporation of America. 1948; The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was created. 1956; Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show. 1976; Communist Chinese leader Mao Zedong died in Beijing at age 82.

Picture Of The Day: Obama threatened Syria, drawing a red line as to what Syria could not do during it's uprising. Syria did it anyway and Obie did nothing

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket. 2) I just got a text saying they lost my cell number and asked if could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.  3) Adulthood is like the vet and we're like the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we're going. 4) I was getting on a plane to New York and I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York and send the other one to Los Angeles." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"  5) I have found that the phrase "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up" doesn't have much impact at a bar.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 9th: Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are embarrassing, but often clear up on their own. Chin up and forward, the day will brighten, but bring an umbrella, just in case.

Birthdays: Luigi Galvani, physician 1753, William Bligh, British admiral 1737 Joseph Leidy, scientist 1823, Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist and philosopher 1828, Otis Redding, singer, songwriter 1941, Michael Keaton, actor 1951, Hugh Grant, actor 1960, Adam Sandler, comedian, musician, actor 1966. 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work."

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" His mother answered, "They become cab drivers."

Two Louisiana boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"

The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves? By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

There were three boys all in fifth grade, an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a Southern boy. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. He said, "I know, we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'". The southern boy asked, "How do you play that?" The Spanish boy said, "It's easy. We can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. The Spanish boy said, "Alright, Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner.

So the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the southern boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the southern boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?" The boy said, "Yep! I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a southerner." His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

That's it for today, my little bean sprouts. Remember,an apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Okay, Back To Work

Another Labor Day's has passed, the kids are back in school and we grudgingly give up the weekend and go back to work. It's hump day and we all look forward to next weekend. Oh, and the government made its regular Labor Day bad news document dump late Friday.

The government morons have yet to grasp that we live in the times of instant news. They dump and in 30 minutes, it's all over the Internet.

The latest FBI report on Hillary Clinton's emails was put out the Friday before Labor Day. You couldn't hide that news more if you welded it inside a lead capsule and fired it into the heart of the sun.

One of the big revelations of this latest email dump is that Secretary Clinton didn't use just one smart phone in office as she originally claimed, she used up to 13 different mobile devices in four years.

Madam Secretary, tell the truth. Are you a crack dealer? Because I can't figure out why else you would need 13 phones.

I have a plan to permanently bench Colin Kaepernick, the moron who refuses to stand for the national anthem. My plan will keep him on the bench forever.....

The News As I See It: Obama flew to China for Labor Day because he wanted to see where American labor went. There was a bit of a rough patch at the beginning of the meeting, when Chinese officials wouldn't let Obama get off Air Force One using the red carpet staircase. See? Even the Chinese are not impressed with Barry.

Apple is supposed to unveil the latest iPhone, which will reportedly do away with the traditional headphone jack. This is convenient, the included ear buds will come "pre-lost."

Another "World's Oldest Man" has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

This Date In History: 1822; Brazil declared its independence from Portugal. 1901; The Boxer Rebellion in China officially ended with the signing of the Peking Protocol (Peace of Beijing). 1940; Nazi Germany began its initial blitz on London during World War II.

1979; The Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) made its debut on cable TV. 1986; Desmond Tutu became the first black to lead the Anglican Church in southern Africa.

Picture Of The Day: One of the best, Gene Wilder. Rest in peace.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction. 2) For the Pokemon fanatics, one day you'll look up from your cell phone and realize your kids put you in a nursing home. 3) Note to young parents. Please remember to put your screaming baby on vibrate. 4) I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic 2. 5 Back in the day, my son asked what it's like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except for one song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 7th: A potential mate will come to you today and will affect your self confidence. Bizarrely, you will attempt a counter-strike by sharpening your pencils. Do not stick the pencil in your ear.

On another note, did you wake up in under the swing set again? Don't let your drinking get you down, go and have a beer.

Birthdays: Elizabeth I, queen of England (1558–1603) 1533, Grandma Moses, painter 1860, Elinor Wylie, poet and novelist 1885, Edith Sitwell, poet and critic 1887, Taylor Caldwell, novelist 1900, Elia Kazan, director, writer, actor 1909, Peter Lawford, actor 1923, Buddy Holly, singer 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Johnny said, "Why do you do that, mommy?" His mother replied, "To make myself beautiful."

His mother then began removing the cream with a tissue. Little Johnny said, "What's the matter, Mom? Giving up?"

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" They both answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician said, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns?" The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The man said, "Yes, that's the one."

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, if you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a shotgun for the rear window of your pickup truck. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !