Friday, December 8, 2017

Family Tree DNA Tests As Christmas Gifts?

The usual garbage is being hyped as Christmas gift ideas. You know, pajamagrams and the like. But, I'm fascinated by the company who is selling family tree DNA tests for Christmas gifts. Yeah, I'd love to see the look of your darling when they open that gift.

Here's a hint or two for your ancestral consideration: Don't pay anyone for searches. Family search ( is free, run by the Morman church and trustworthy. That notwithstanding, most family trees can be traced via the United states Census which began in 1790. Pursuing any information in years prior to the first census becomes more difficult.

Family trees and one's roots can be fascinating to explore but keep one thought in the back of your mind. Remember, you can't pick your relatives and there's always that possibility of what you might find in the proverbial woodpile..... 

The News As I See It: An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition bottles of Hello Kitty-themed wine for the holiday season. It’s the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece.

Ireland will be collecting $15 billion from Apple in a settlement over back taxes. Ireland will receive the money on Friday and Guinness will have it all by Monday.

This Date In History: 1854; Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate Conception. 1886; The American Federation of Labor was founded at a convention of union leaders in Columbus, Ohio. 1941; Congress declared war on Japan and the U.S. entered World War II.

1949; Communist attacks forced the Chinese Nationalist government to flee to the island of Formosa (Taiwan). 1978; Former Israeli prime minister Golda Meir died. 1980; John Lennon, former member of the Beatles, was shot and killed in New York City by a deranged fan.

1987; President Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev signed the first treaty to reduce the nuclear arsenals of the two superpowers.  1993; President Bill Clinton signed The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) into law.

Picture Of The Day: Then again, I'd like to try the test on some people I know..... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My Shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark so we named her Eleven Thirty. 2) I wonder how people that drink Starbucks every morning decide which kid isn’t going to college? 3) Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. 4) Condoms cannot guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.  5) My girlfriend gave me her Christmas list. I said, "Isn't my undying love and affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store trying to locate a French guy named Louis Vuitton.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 8th: Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Actually, dogs are totally flexible.

The post office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder.

Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time someone nears.

Birthdays: Mary, Queen of Scots, queen 1542, Christina, queen of Sweden 1626, Eli Whitney, American inventor 1765, Diego Rivera, painter 1886, James Thurber, humorist 1894, Lee J. Cobb, actor  1911, Sammy Davis, Jr., singer, actor 1925, David Carradine, actor 1836, Jim Morrison, rock musician 1943, Kim Basinger, actress  1953, Teri Hatcher, actress 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There's a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are very interesting. Thirty percent of the women feel that their ass is too fat. Ten percent of the women feel that their ass is too skinny.

The remaining sixty percent say they don't care. They love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Mother, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? His mother replied, "Because he was conceived during a storm."

Then the boy asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" His mother answered, "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? His mother said, "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived."

The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why do you ask?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a Detroit boy who was going into the 7th grade for the 3rd time.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu." The audience went wild! They wondered how the Detroit boy could top that?!

The clock started again and the Detroit boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

That's it for today, my little Missile Toes. Remember, 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, December 1, 2017

Remember When ?

Remember when you turned 16 and got your driver's license? Yeah, me too. Remember when you turned 21 and could finally go to nightclubs. Yeah, me too. Remember when you came home late from AREA 51 and decided to make breakfast, but you forgot it was unwise to fry bacon naked? Yeah, me too!

Remember when you used to say say the check is in the mail and then you remembered it really was? Yeah, me too. Remember when you told your little brother that George Washington’s brother, Murray, was the Uncle of our Country? Yeah, me too. Remember when you finally got your dream job as a life guard and that blue kid got you fired? Yeah, me too!

Remember when you got your first phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when got your first cell phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when you called that woman you met at the bar and her mother said she was at her probation officer's office because she broke her probation by staying out all night with a really old dude? Yeah, me too!

Remember the good times we had in school? Yeah, me too. Remember all the fun times we've had with family and friends? Yeah, me too. Will you always cherish those memories? too!

The News As I See It: American Airlines American Airlines has experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. "Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot."

Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy Award for best audiobook. Of course, Bernie supporters are already complaining that the Grammys are rigged so that Hillary will win.

Arby's has acquired Buffalo Wild Wings for $2.4 billion. They didn’t mean to, but like a lot of us, Arby’s got drunk and bought too many wings.

MTV announced it's bringing back the original cast of "Jersey Shore." Can you believe it? Every single cast member was available!

This Date In History: 1824; The presidential election between John Q. Adams, Andrew Jackson, William Crawford, and Henry Clay was turned over to the House of Representatives due to the lack of an electoral-vote majority. 1887; Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes appeared for the first time in print in the story "A Study in Scarlet."

1955; Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to give up her front-section bus seat to a white man in Montgomery, Alabama. 1959; Twelve nations, including the United States, signed a treaty setting aside Antarctica as a scientific preserve free from military activity.

1997; Representatives from more than 150 countries gathered at a global warming summit in Kyoto, Japan, and over the course of ten days, forged an agreement to control the emission of greenhouse gases. 1998; Exxon and Mobil agreed to merge, creating the world's largest corporation.

Picture Of The Day: This useless piece of garbage, Jose Zarate (L), who killed Kate Steinle, was found innocent of every charge filled against him with the exception of a felon in possession of a firearm. Zarate had been deported five times and had prior felony convictions. One would think Zarate would have at least been convicted of involuntary manslaughter, which, by definition, is killing someone accidentally. Residents of San Francisco, a sanctuary city, must be very proud.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test. It can't be both. 2) I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread. 3) When I  lock eyes with a spider, I don't kill him. I run away and hide so he can spend the whole night stressing and wondering where I am. 4) Politicians should be limited to two terms: One in office and one in prison.  5) When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag on leather car seats.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 1st: Look left and right before taking your next step. What you believe to be a good idea will prove to be wrong, especially if it involves a billy goat. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day, assuming you don't go with me to happy hour.

Birthdays: Marie Tussaud, modeler in wax 1761, Walter Alston, baseball manager 1911, Minoru Yamasaki, architect 1912, Mary Martin, singer, actress 1913, Woody Allen, actor, writer, and director 1935, Lee Trevino, golfer 1939, Richard Pryor, comedian, actor 1940, Bette Midler, singer, actress 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Jack sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair, when he noticed his grandson kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

Jack said, "If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars." His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray.

He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Jack was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Jack came back into the garden and gave his grandson another ten dollars. The boy said, "But grandpa, you've already given me the ten dollars you promised." Jack said, "That's from your grandma."

Bubba Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bubba Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them."

Dewey then asks. "What the hell did you do?" Bubba Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Dewey says, "That's not against the law."

Bubba Ray says, "That's what I thought too, but those guys at Home Depot didn't see it that way!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window and said, "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and scurried away.

The second priest goes to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too hurried away.

The third priest moves to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."

A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

That's it for today, my little broccoli sprouts. Remember, people who say "mayo" instead of "mayonnaise" live 12 yrs longer because of the time they save. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, November 24, 2017

Black Friday Mania

I don't get up at 5 am for anything unless it's fishing or to pee. I also made a promise to myself in the Army that I'd never stand in line for anything. Finally, I don't stand in line at 5 am with morons trying to save 20% off a sale item unless I have my gun.

I realize there are those who need these sales because of a limited budget and small children. I defer to them and their reasoning. Unfortunately, there are also the nitwits who try to make a killing on these sales, come hell or high water.

Moreover, the traffic to and fro is horrible and you need to carry your weapon to keep street thugs from robbing you. If you make it safely without a car accident or being robbed, you face the stampede of idiots who would trample their mother or children to get to the treasured sale item.

Probably the worst store is Walmart whose slogan is "lets have 24 cash registers but only open two". Personally, I'd rather take my chances at the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.

The News As I See It: Both CBS and PBS fired Charlie Rose after allegations of sexual harassment. Yep. They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave.

Starbucks recently released a limited edition juniper latte. Juniper, or as Betsy Devos calls it, the biggest planet.

This Date In History: 1642; Abel Tasman discovered Van Diemen's land, later renamed Tasmania. 1859; Darwin's Origin of Species was published. 1871; The National Rifle Association was incorporated.

1874; Joseph Farwell Glidden patented barbed wire. 1963; Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald, JFK's accused assassin, in the garage of Dallas police headquarters. 1971; D. B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Airlines flight with $200,000.

Picture Of The Day: I'd rather run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, than go to the stores on Black Friday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my girlfriend and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date. 2) There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 3) Every time I walk into a bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 4) "Latte" is Latin for you paid too much for your coffee. 5) The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 24th: Today doesn't look very promising but the good news is that report you were waiting for from your doctor is negative. Take life with a grain of salt a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Birthdays: Zachary Taylor, 12th President of the United States  1784, Frances Hodgson Burnett, author 1849, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, painter and lithographer 1864, Scott Joplin, American ragtime pianist and composer 1868.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.

The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."

Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The owner of small business was confused about how much he should pay for an invoice, which included a volume discount. So he decided to ask his blonde secretary.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college, and I need some help. If I were to give you $7,525 minus 12.5% for a discount, how much would you take off?" She paused briefly and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha said, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

Henry said, "I recall that and you did it to save my life so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."

Martha said, "Alright, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 37 more votes?"

That's it for today, my little drumsticks. Remember, Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, November 17, 2017

Do You Have A Church Key?

Few of today's youth know what a "church key" is and not too many know what a pen knife is. Almost everybody carried a pen knife back in the day. Too little for use as a weapon, it's a small knife that can be quite useful in many instances.

The pen knife was usually a three bladed, foldable knife, but subsequent knives sported such additional tools as screwdriver heads and the all important cork screw. The Swiss Army knife was a nifty invention, but the weight and bulk of it negated the simplicity of the pen knife.

Before the advent of the pop-top, sodas and beer were opened with an opener affectionately referred to as a "church key". The "church key" term came about because the bottle opener resembled a key. Subsequently, the advent of the tool for opening beer and soda cans was also given the "church key" moniker.

The tool is named for several reasons. The original openers used on bottles (before beer cans existed) looked similar to a large old fashion keys used by monks to open the church, as well as keep the precious beer they brewed safe.

The name was then adopted to all tools used to open beer–with an ironic twist–for it is said if you used a church key opener (i.e. if you drank beer) you would be less likely to open the door of a church to attend service. At least that's what Dad always said......

This is NASCAR Championship weekend and will be hosted by Homestead Miami Speedway. The final four drivers vying for the championship are Kyle Bush, Kevin Harvick, Martin Truex and Brad Keselowski.

For those of you who have never watched a NASCAR Race, it's very exciting. The Truck Series Championship is tonight, The Xfinty Championship will run Saturday with the Monster Energy Championship on Sunday. Check you local listings for times. 

The News As I See It: Astronomers announced that they have discovered an earth-sized planet in our corner of the galaxy that is potentially habitable by humans. Yeah, they think the planet may have breathable air and drinkable water, which is impressive because they barely have those things in Los Angeles. The planet in question orbits a star called Ross 128. It's part of a larger solar system that includes Chandler, Joey and Monica 128.

The FDA has approved the first pill with a digital sensor that signals doctors when patients have taken their medicine. Doctors say they invented the pill to make sure that their patients are taking their medication. I still think it would be more effective if they went with my plan of making all pills taste like Cool Ranch Doritos.

This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time.  1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt. 1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France.

1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl:" NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets. 1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook." 1989; The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia.

Picture Of The Day: The Swiss Army Knife

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Science Tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while. 2) I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on a piece of paper bag. I walked around Publix like some kind of a carrier pigeon. 3) If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage. 4) Kim Kardashian is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Kim's maximum capacity is 500 members. 5) Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 17th: The odds are that you'll see something that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice. Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza and if you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.

Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner, physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny DeVito, actor, director, producer 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" The husband answers calmly,"Don't worry dear, they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

His wife asks, feebly, "Well, how long will it take for him to get here," Her husband replies, "No time at all, Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Sophie was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Murray, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Murray, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Murray looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Sophie cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So, Murray grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.

When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Murray answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Murray answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Murray answered, "Only if it's raining."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A loving grandfatheralways made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time, just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. He asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" The little girl said, "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see one single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went!"

On his 70th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to the old and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected."

He continued, "You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!

That's it for today, my little magpies. Remember, the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

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Friday, November 10, 2017

Boycott The NFL On Veteran's Day Weekend

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day, a day to remember the scared young soldier who was wounded or gave his or her life while serving America. Please remember all the soldiers and their families, both past and present, who sacrificed their youth serving their country.

My father served in World War II and my brother Kirt and I served when we were called. As a personal protest, I do not watch any National Football League games, especially this weekend. I also refuse to buy any product with a NFL logo on it or any services offered by companies involved with the NFL.

Whie I like the game of football, I respect our flag and national anthem more and refuse to watch the morons who disrespect the anthem or the flag.

The News As I See It: Uber signed a deal with NASA on Wednesday to develop "Uber Elevate", a new type of Uber that will use flying cars. They’re developing a flying Uber. Los Angeles apparently will be one of the first cities to get flying Ubers. L.A. is perfect, because who is more qualified to fly you through the sky at 5,000 feet than an illegal alien or an out-of-work actor-deejay-dog walker?

Twitter doubled the amount of characters you can use from 140 to 280 characters. In theory, this means Twitter is now Facebook, right? They're basically the same thing — or is it possible there is anyone on the planet who thought, "You know what this year needs? More Twitter."

Woody Allen's newest movie features a middle-aged man who is sleeping with a 15-year-old girl. The movie will premiere at Cannes in May and be entered into evidence in June.

A Japanese Company created a $150 noise-canceling ramen noodle fork to cover up slurping noises. So, if you’ve got 150 bucks to spend on a fork. why are you eating ramen noodles?

This Date In History: 1871; Journalist and explorer Henry Stanley found the missing David Livingstone in Central Africa and made his famous comment, "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" 1928;  Hirohito was crowned Emperor of Japan.

1951; The first long distance telephone call without operator assistance took place. 1969 Sesame Street premiered on PBS TV.  1970; The Great Wall of China opened to the world for tourism.  1982; The Vietnam Veterans Memorial opened in Washington, DC.

Picture Of The Day: Remember our soldiers

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you serve a toddler pancakes, they’ll stay sticky until just after college. 2) I missed two of my mom's calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called. 3) I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 4) After having lived in terror all these years, Gloria Estefan's threat finally came true. I turned on my car radio and was brutally attacked by the rhythm. 5) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 10ty: Don't embarrass yourself this week when the dentist puts that paper bib on you. They will not bring you lobster. You will have a lucky weekend. Remember, serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.

Birthdays: Martin Luther, German leader of the Protestant Reformation 1483, William Hogarth, painter, satirist, engraver  1697, Oliver Goldsmith, author 1730, Samuel Gridley Howe, reformer and philanthropist 1801,  Claude Rains, actor 1889, J. P. Marquand, novelist 1893, Richard Burton, actor 1925, Russell Means, activist, actor 1939, Donna Fargo, singer 1945, Ann Reinking, dancer, choreographer and actress 1949, Roland Emmerich, filmaker 1855, Neil Gaiman, writer 1860, Brittany Murphy, actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?” He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”

The wife asked,“Where shall I put it to get it warm?” He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.” The wife asked, “But what about the smell?” The mad replied, “Just hold its little nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.

Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. Yet there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?.

A man in the front row raised his hand. The dietitian said, "You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man in the front row lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying. "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine."

The other guy says, "So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uh, I'm like you, just traveling." At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

The guy says, "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No, I'm a little busy right now."

Then I hear the guy say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do." The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."

The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

That's it for today, my little pollywogs. Remember, all barbers are not the same. What I said was, "Just a trim, please." What the barber must have heard was,"Give me the Kim Jong-un." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !