Friday, May 29, 2015

A Work Of Art

I enjoy art. I don't profess to know very much about it, but it was part of my college studies. I have dabbled in oils over the years, completing about 50 paintings, mostly landscapes. But once I got the hang of it, my interests waned due to the set up and eventual clean-up process.

I admire artists who can just sit down with pencil or pen and create an image. Moreover, those who have the patience to use oils are also among artists I admire. My tastes are a bit eclectic in that while I readily admire Rembrandt's "The Night Watch", Cezanne and Monet are also inspiring.

There's a flair to any form of art and some artists held in high regard by some, are "pooh-poohed" by others. I look for the realities in a painting, while at the same time, the subject and the theme are also important to me.

Renoir for example is considered to be one of the masters, yet I find most of his paintings to be rather elementary. Edvard Munch's "The Scream" is undoubtedly one of the worst paintings I've ever seen.

I must admit I don't have much regard for the "creative" artists like Andy Warhol, Jackson Pollock or even Picasso, who methinks was smoking weed when he created some of his work. Some of the "Masters" paint the same way an Italian chef determines when spaghetti is "al dente". They merely throw a bunch of crap against the canvass and hope it sticks.

No, I don't need a pseudo member of the avante garde to explain a work of art to me. The piece usually speaks for itself.

Frida Kahlo

There are a few artists who have drawn my attention, one being Frida Kahlo de Rivera, a Mexican painter perhaps best known for her self-portraits. Kahlo married fellow artist Diego Rivera and led an interesting life, but she was plagued for most of her life by problems caused by a bus-trolley accident at the age of 18.

Salma Hayak played the title role in the 2002 movie "Frida" and the role of Diego Rivero was played by Alfred Molina. I found the movie intriguing, further piquing my interest in the artist. Hayak was nominated for an Academy Award.

I have several friends are are good artists, including my friends Ileana and Monique, both of whom have their own styles and techniques. Their abilities only show me that my artistic efforts with oils, while invigorating to me, were amateurish, at best. Then again, one never know until one one?

The News As I See It: The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, "Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?

Three Southwest Airlines baggage handlers are accused of smuggling drugs in luggage. The officials became suspicious when every single one of the Southwest bags made it to its destination.

This Date In History: 1765; Patrick Henry bitterly denounced the Stamp Act in the Virginia House of Burgesses. 1790; Rhode Island became the 13th state in the United States, the last of the original colonies to ratify the Constitution.

1848; Wisconsin became the 30th state in the United States. 1917; John F. Kennedy was born in Brookline, Massachusetts. 1942; Bing Crosby recorded his version of "White Christmas." It would go on to sell over 30 million copies.

1953; Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay became the first to reach the summit of Mount Everest. 1990; Boris Yeltsin was elected president of the Russian republic by the parliament.

Picture Of The Day: Rembrandt's "The Night Watch".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm nearing the age where my train of thought sometimes leaves the station without me. 2) I fall in love too easily.'s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily. I gotta quit drinking. 3) The secret to enjoying good wine is to open it and let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth. 4) I'm not against half naked least not as often as I'd like to be.  5) Why did I post on Facebook at 5:52 am? Because my lady friend had to get up to pee which apparently requires two lights and a conversation.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeGemini - May 29th: Calm your social fears about dating and give a chance. How bad can it be when all these people lack the same social graces that you do and have to advertise for a date? By the way, the good news is it wasn't a bug. The bad news is that you beat the shit out of a black bean on the floor with your shoe.

Birthdays: Patrick Henry, statesman 1736, Bob Hope, American comedian 1903, T. H. White, author 1906, John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States 1917, Al Unser, Sr., Indianapolis 500 champion auto racer 1939, Melissa Ethridge, musician 1961.

"The Card Players" - Paul Cezanne

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road.

It's a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $92.84 per scoop, so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some change. When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice. "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

"Lunch On The Grass" - Claude Monet

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Tommy for his contribution to today's stories.

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are to sing what comes to mind."

The pastor shouted out "Cross". Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said, "Power", The congregation sang, "There Is Power In The Blood". The Pastor said, "Sex". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then suddenly, from way in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing, "Precious Memories".

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin, it was cold, so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for the fire place.

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said, "Put your hands between my thighs to warm them." So he did, they fiddled around and then he went back outside to finish chopping wood.

He came in after another 30 minutes and said, "Honey my hands are cold again." So she tells him again to put his hands between her thighs to warm them. He did, they fiddled around and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

One hour passed and he went in again and said, "Honey my hands are cold again." His wife said, "Damn, don't your ears ever get cold?"

That's it for today, my little Hershey bars. Remember, if you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, legally, they don't have to sell you anything. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

A Crazy Karaoke Night At Sabores' Restaurant

Last Friday's karaoke night at Sabores' Restaurant was a little more crazier than usual (the crazier the better) and, as usual, there were lots of pictures. Most of them I was able to buy back but a few escaped me.

I love hanging out with beautiful girls and Friday was no exception. I get a kick out of all the pictures, but there are some behind the scenes pics that are rarely published. Most of the good pics are taken by the girls and then pored over to make sure they meet everyone's approval.

Most of the pictures I take rarely make the cut because, quite frankly, I'm not very good at it. I'm amazed when one of my shots turns out well.

One picture in particular was of my beautiful friends Iliana and Luly. The picture came out very well. Well, truth be told, most of the girls are mischievous and while the elegant photo featured above is breathtaking, this is a picture of the two when no one is posing.

Yes, my friends, the two elegant ladies featured above rarely "strike a pose" when I take pictures. As one can plainly see, they are playing with fried plantain chips (banana chips).

On another night, they coyly posed with Luly's famous chocolate chip cookies. That is, until when I'm in the picture when, once again, they transform into impish little gremlins. I don't protest though. They make my evenings at Sabores memorable.

The News As I See It: Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders introduced a new bill that would make four-year college tuition free. Which was great news, unless you were the student who was just walking out of your graduation.

Sanders made around $2,000 last year for two speeches and a TV appearance, compared to the $25 million the Clintons made. This  makes him the first person in history to run for president just because he really needs the money.

This Date In History: 1647; The first recorded execution of a witch reportedly took place in Massachusetts when Achsah Young was hanged. 1703; St. Petersburg was founded by Czar Peter the Great. 1936; The Queen Mary left England on its maiden voyage, arriving in France four hours later.

1937; Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco opened. 1941; British ships sank the German battleship Bismarck off the coast of France, resulting in the loss of 2,300 lives. 1994; Nobel-prize winning dissident, Alexandr Solzhenitsyn returned to Russia after 20 years in exile.

1996; After a year and a half of bloodshed, Russian President Boris Yeltsin met with the leader of the Chechen rebels and negotiated a cease-fire. 1999; Slobodan Milosevic was indicted by the International War Crimes Tribunal at the Hague for crimes against humanity.

Picture Of The Day: I must admit that I'm in seventh heaven in this picture as the girls decided to have a little fun with me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I know five people who are clinically insane. I'm two of them. 2) Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it. 3) "Bluetooth or crazy" is a guessing game I play when I see people talking to themselves on the street. I usually guess wrong. 4) Today was so bad, I thought Steven Seagal was starring in it. 5) Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free, friend Chad until the day that little squirrel beat him to death.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeGemini - May 27th: An Asian person may appear in your life this week. If you're lucky, it will be a Sushi chef. On the other hand, it may be a lovely young woman. But remember, just because her tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make her spiritual. It's right above the crack of her ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli."

Birthdays: Cornelius Vanderbilt, industrialist, financier 1794, Julia Ward Howe, author and social reformer 1819, Wild Bill Hickok, frontier marshal 1837, Dashiell Hammett, writer 1894, Rachel Louise Carson, biologist, author 1907, John Cheever, novelist 1912, Henry Kissinger, American political scientist and U.S. Secretary of State (1973–77) 1923.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes to his doctor's office and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual, but I seem to have lettuce stuck up my ass!"

The doctor says, "Good grief! I'd better take a look."The doctor examines the man and says, "It's even worse and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies injured on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. The man gasps, "Somebody get me a priest!"

A policeman checks the crowd and there's no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man.

He says, "Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the old man over to where the injured man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her. Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"

The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!" The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam, now we're just negotiating the price."

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that shoe and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food and drinks at popular night club prices.

That's it for today, my little chickadees. Remember, don't let maladies and ailments keep you down. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Friday, May 22, 2015

Remember Why It's Called "Memorial Day"

It's important to remember and teach your children that Memorial Day is not just a three day weekend where everyone has back yard barbecues. It is a day to remember the people who died while serving in America's armed forces.

The federal holiday, which is observed every year on the last Monday of May, was formerly known as Decoration Day and originated after the American Civil War to commemorate the Union and Confederate soldiers who died in the war. By the 20th century, Memorial Day had been extended to honor all Americans who died while in the military service.

So, please enjoy your Memorial Day activities but bear in mind that it comes to you courtesy of the valiant men and women of our armed forces who gave their lives protecting and serving America.

The News As I See It: I was surprised to hear that Hillary Clinton’s Super PAC has reportedly been struggling to raise money. It’s gotten so bad, they may have to start reaching out to Americans instead of foreign countries.

The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, "Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?"

Former "Baywatch" star Pamela Anderson posed naked in the shower for a campaign aimed at saving water in drought-stricken California. And as a bonus, it also reminded people to recycle plastic.

We are now 11 weeks away from the first Republican presidential debate. The debate will be held in a 300-seat theater, so there’ll be almost enough seats for all the candidates.

According to a new poll, one third of Americans believe animals deserve the same rights as people. The other two thirds have cats.

This Date In History: 1455; The first battle in the 30-year War of Roses took place at St. Albans. 1761; The first life insurance policy in the United States was issued in Philadelphia. 1849; Abraham Lincoln received patent number 6469 for his floating dry dock.

1927; An earthquake near Xining, China, measuring 8.3 claimed approximately 200,000 victims. 1947; Harry S. Truman's Doctrine brought aid to Greece and Turkey to combat the spread of Communism. 1972; Ceylon became Sri Lanka.

1972; Richard Nixon arrived in Moscow, becoming the first U.S. president to visit the Soviet Union. 1990; North Yemen and South Yemen merged to form the Republic of Yemen. 1992; Johnny Carson hosted the last episode of his Tonight Show.

2003; The UN Security Council approved a resolution lifting the economic sanctions against Iraq and supporting the U.S.-led administration in Iraq.

2011; At least 140 people are killed and hundreds more injured as a three-quarter-mile-wide tornado hits Joplin, Missouri. The tornado is among the deadliest in the nation's history, destroying nearly a third of the city and damaging about 2,000 buildings, including water treatment and sewage plants.

Picture Of The Day: This is the reality of War. Men and women die serving America.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Brother Kirt had a lot of emotional problems as a child. I remember he used to think he was a chicken. We never said anything about it because we needed the eggs. 2) It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the fourth or the fifth. 3) Instead of neutering my dog, I just make him wear Crocs.

4) I have a doctor friend who worked for 40 years trying to find the cure for Alzheimer's Disease. In the end, he found the cure, but then he forgot it.  5) My friend got some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said, "remove cap and push up bottom." He says he can barely walk, but whenever he passes gas, the room smells freakin' awesome.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeGemini - May 22nd: Today, you will learn that the average male has had 15 sex partners, the average female has had 7 and the average penguin has had one. You will also learn that you're a penguin. The urban term "chillax" is a combination of the slang "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."

Birthdays: Richard Wagner, composer 1813, Mary Cassatt, painter Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, British author and creator of Sherlock Holmes 1859, Sir Laurence Olivier, actor 1907, Betty Williams, peace activist 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12 - Tampax supersize!"

Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and walked home. His truck was there all night. You gotta love George.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A black guy and Murphy go into a pastry shop. The black guy whisks two cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice. The black guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!"

Murphy says to the black guy, "Watch this, any Paddy is smarter than you and I'll prove it to you.

Paddy says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give another cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. Paddy eats this one too.

The baker is getting angry now. He yells, "Okay, where is your famous magic trick?!" Murphy says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"

A man took his wife to the doctor and was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see him. He said, "Mr. Goldblatz, I have good news. Your wife is in good health and the only think she needs for her to be better is to have sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

Mr. Goldblatz said, "Ok, Doc, if you think that will help. I can bring her here on Wednesdays but Saturdays I go fishing, so she'll have to take the bus."

That's it for today, my little petunias. Remember, there's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Johnnie Walker Black scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour and some flavored water.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

School Daze

I'm unsure what elementary schools teach the children nowadays, but back in the day, two memories which I've tried desperately to forget was the doing the Maypole and Square Dancing. The girls seemed to enjoy these activities and the boys hated them.

Hearken back, if you will, to the days of elementary school where, aside from organized activities, boys were more into catching reptiles and insects while the girls were seemingly occupied with whatever little girls do to entertain themselves.

One of my memories was the look on my teacher's face as he watched us attempt to follow his instructions as to how to weave the Maypole. I believe that he has seen better Chinese fire drills.

As for Square Dancing, I must have been a little more proficient in my efforts in that I was selected along with seven other children to perform in front of other classes. Imagine that!

Every day, weather permitting, boys and girls went outside to play for about an hour with the girls playing together and the boys playing together. The only "co-educational" activities I remember was Red Rover and Dodge Ball and even those games were occasionally segregated if the boys got too rough.

I don't recall exactly when we were introduced to the Maypole and square dancing activities but I do remember that it seemed to be a complete waste of play time. I must say, however, that looking back on these activities helped me hone what little skill I have when dealing with the female species.

The News As I See It: KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will stop rioting, looting and burning, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner.

During a charity boxing match last Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield's fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren. 

Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game over the weekend. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.

Obama recently joined Twitter and began with a tweet that read, "Hello, Twitter!" His bio says, "Dad, husband, and president of the United States." He didn’t have to say "Dad." We got that when he tweeted "Hello, Twitter!" His use of the word "President" was typical of a person who never was breast fed as a child.

Jeb Bush said recently that he believes apps on the Apple Watch could help Americans better manage their health care than Obamacare. So there you go. If you can’t afford health care, just buy yourself an Apple Watch.

This Date In History: 1506; Christopher Columbus died in Spain. 1861; North Carolina voted to secede from the Union. 1927; Charles Lindbergh began the first solo nonstop transatlantic flight, departing from Long Island aboard the Spirit of Saint Louis.

1932; Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. 1961; A mob attacked a busload of "freedom riders" in Montgomery, Ala., setting the bus on fire.

1978; Mavis Hutchinson, 53, became the first woman to run across America. The 3,000-mile trek took her 69 days. She ran an average of 45 miles each day.

1996; In a 6-3 vote, the Supreme Court rejected a Colorado measure banning laws that protect homosexuals from discrimination. 2002; East Timor became the newest nation.

Picture Of The Day: My medical advice of the day.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Look, if you really need a Heimlich maneuver, just ask me nicely. Enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit. 2) One of my white lies was telling my daughters that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage. 3) It's nothing serious, we just going out together most mornings for brunch. We're Friends with Benedict. 4) Men developed the Theory of Relatively, walked on the moon and painted the Mona Lisa, yet are still baffled by bra hooks. 5) No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I'd just go to Sears.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - May 20th: Stick to you diet this week. It will pay off in the long run. By the way, if you happen to hear the Pink Panther song playing when you sneak down the hall for a midnight snack, you're breaking the diet.

Birthdays: William Thornton, architect 1759, Dolley Madison, Americn First Lady 1768, Honoré de Balzac, novelist 1799, John Stuart Mill, philosopher 1806, James Stewart, actor 1908, Moshe Dayan, military leader 1915, Cher, actress, pop star 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse."

The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you? Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight."

Sean says, "That little shit, O'Conner? He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand." Paddy says,"That he did. A shovel is what he had and a terrible licking he gave me with it."

Sean says, "You should have defended yourself! Didn't you have something in your hand?" Paddy says, ''That I did. It was Mrs. O'Conner's right breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, it's considered tacky to take a beer cooler to church. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, May 18, 2015

A Midsummer Night's Dream?

I had the coolest dream last night. It began with the usual suspects, family members, friends, ex-wives, girlfriends and the like, but I ended up in a nightclub with all of the past comedians of yesterday for the evening.

It was so surreal, drinking and hobnobbing with the likes of George Burns, Henny Youngman, Jack Benny, Shecky Green and others. It was the first time that I can ever remember waking up laughing.

Oddly enough, I was just one of the guys and everyone referred to me by my first name. I actually thought it was real until I woke up. A very pleasant experience

Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's fate was decided by a jury last week and the decision was that he will be put to death. I have mixed emotions as to his ultimate demise. My personal belief is that the jury's decision was correct, but nothing would please me more than to deny his martyrdom and watch him rot in prison for the rest of his life. Either way, it's in God's hands now.

We lost a few good ones last week. Blues master B.B.King died at the age of 89 after a series of mini strokes. Garo Ypremian, kicker for the 1972 undefeated Miami Dolfins died at the age of 70 after a lengthy illness. Both will be missed.

The News As I See It: Obama was not feeling well this weekend and concerned about his mortality, consulted a well-known psychic about the date of his demise.

The psychic closed her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she found the answer. She said, "You will die on a Jewish holiday."

Obama asked nervously, "Which one? The psychic replied, "It doesn't matter. Whenever you die, it will become a Jewish holiday."

A man in Florida was arrested for wearing an Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.

This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."

1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power.

1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years. 1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over.

2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse. 2003; President Megawati Sukarnoputri of Indonesia declared martial law and sent 30,000 troops into Aceh.

2004; Randy Johnson, age 40, became the oldest pitcher to throw a perfect game. 2004; Sonia Gandhi stunned her party, the Indian National Congress, by refusing to accept the prime ministership of India.

Picture Of The Day: Samantha seems like sleeping on my computer keyboard so much, I came up with an idea to kill two birds with one stone.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What I said was, "Just a trim, please." What barber must have heard, "Give me the Kim Jong-un." 2) "Stay out of the heat and stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It's my first summer. 3) My girlfriend's been having a problem with diarrhea. The doctor told her lemons would help. Maybe so, but I'm betting that as soon as she takes one out, it will start again. 4) I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups. 5) When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized cowboys didn't have toilet paper with aloe.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - May 18th: Ten people will confess a manic love for you this week. And to think, one in twelve people that read this horoscope will find the same to be true. Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Oh sure! Just me?

Birthdays: My son Kevin - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philospher 1872, Walter Gropius, architect 1883, Ezio Pinza, singer 1892, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope, successor of John Paul I, 1920, Reggie Jackson, baseball player 1946, Chow Yun-Fat, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: (Operator): "911" (Me): "My wife is going into labor, what do I do?" (Operator): "Relax sir, is this her first born?" (Me): "No, this is her husband."

A Roadway truck driver is driving east on Route 66 and he sees another truck driving west. The CB crackles to life and a voice "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest assholes in America?" The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says, "You and your brother."

The Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke. Tell it to the next truck you see." The Roadway driver goes for about an hour and finally sees another truck.

He gets on the CB and says, "Hey trucker, do you know who the two biggest assholes in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies, "Me and my brother."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks delighted and says, "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! His friend says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"

The farmer said, "He just gave him some pills'." His friend asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. The Coroner asked, "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Vern replied, "Yes, sir, that's correct."

The Coroner said, "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Vern asked, "Was it a Titleist 3?" The Coroner answered, "Yes, it was." Vern said, "That was my mulligan."

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !