Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Sequestration: A Proposed 2.4% Reduction In Future Spending

Sequestration is a term used to describe the practice of using mandatory spending cuts in the federal budget if the cost of running the government exceeds either an arbitrary amount or the the gross revenue it brings during the fiscal year.

Simply put, sequestration is the employment of automatic, across-the-board spending cuts in the face of annual budget deficits. Some of the most detailed reporting on sequestration is from Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward and his new book The Price of Politics.

Woodward’s reporting shows clearly that defense sequestration was an idea that came out of Obama’s White House.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) released several hundred illegal immigrants this week ostensibly in fear that the $85 billion in automatic spending cuts (sequestration) widely expected to be triggered on Friday would limit the number of detainees they could pay to house.

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) said the move jeopardized public safety and cut into the trust Republicans and the White House have tried to cultivate in discussions on immigration reform.

Goodlatte said, "It’s abhorrent that President Obama is releasing criminals into our communities to promote his political agenda on sequestration. By releasing criminal immigrants onto the streets, the administration is needlessly endangering American lives."

Both democrats and republicans were well aware for months that sequestration was on it's way, yet have failed to act thus far. Invented by the Obama White House, sequestration was supposedly a way to enact a move so ludicrous that neither party would allow it to happen. Yet, here we are.

In the interim, republicans are sticking to their guns and Obama is running around the nation crying "the sky is falling, the sky is falling." Republicans have accused Obama of being behind the release of illegal immigrants, which Obama (as usual) denies.

On a personal note, I have bought ammunition, filled my gas tank and bought six months of provisions just in case Barry has more tricks up his sleeves. This is one of the times I'd like to see a debilitating strain of the Swine Flu affect Washington, D.C.

The News As I See It: Everyone is still talking about the Academy Awards. "Life of Pi" took home four Oscars. It's about a young boy trapped at sea on a small boat with a man-eating tiger. Even so, it’s still a better way to travel than a Carnival cruise. In the meantime, a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show, in turn, won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise.

The best picture was called "Argo." It was about a heroic Hollywood producer. Wow, how did something like that ever win? On another note, Michelle Obama won an Academy Award for best bangs.

In a White House briefing, former college wrestler, shortstop and Homeland Security Secretary chief Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico.

A storm dumped 17 inches of snow on Amarillo, Texas. It was really confusing for Mexicans sneaking over the border. They thought they'd gone all the way to Canada.

The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton and Michele Obama. Michele's pictured will be in the next issue of National Geographic and Hillary's picture will be on next month's cover of the "Sports Illustrated" pants suit issue.

ABC announced their new "Dancing With the Stars" lineup. It was a who's who of who needs money. I'm confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that.

Manti Te'o was apparently one of the slowest linebackers to run the 40-yard dash at the NFL's scouting combine yesterday. You can tell he took it to heart because today he spent three hours on an imaginary Stairmaster.

Al-Qaida has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones. Here’s one. Don't join al-Qaida.

This Date In History: 1844; Dominican Republic gained independence from Haiti. 1933; German Reichstag building in Berlin was destroyed by fire. 1951; The 22nd Amendment to the Constitution was ratified, limiting the President to two terms.

1973; Members of the American Indian Movement occupied the village of Wounded Knee, South Dakota 1991; Kuwait was liberated in the Gulf War. 2003; Fred Rogers, of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, died.

Picture Of The Day: .....and that's a fact!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Irony is the opposite of wrinkly. 2) Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros. 3) We want a cure for short-term memory loss! When do we want it? When do we want what? 4) I want to be as thin as my patience. 5) It's said that one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my dad or my mom or maybe my younger brother Kirt or my baby brother Hop-Sing, but I'm pretty sure it's Kirt.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 27th: Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Destiny might also play with your head and take you to a pet store. If I were you, I'd ask destiny where we are going before getting dressed. Puppies like to lick your feet.....

Birthdays: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet 1807, Alice Hamilton, physician, reformer 1869, Hugo Black, Supreme Court Justice 1886, Marian Anderson, contralto 1897, John Steinbeck, American writer 1902, Ariel Sharon, general and politician 1928, Elizabeth Taylor, actress 1932, Ralph Nader, consumer advocate 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: It was a hot day in Minnesota and Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. Helga thought to herself, "Gootness, it's hodder dan hell today." She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. Helga said in a timid voice, "You know, I don't usually go into bars, but today it's so hod, I vill make an exception. I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and timidly replied, "Vell fine, tanks und how's yur viener?"

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they all dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Miami made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming, "U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 2771?" The humbled crew responded, "Yes, ma'am."

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, puts it down on the table with a thud and says "This is not the 1928 Mouton." The waiter assures him it is.

Soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally, someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton. The man says, "My name is Phillipe de Rothschild and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. The waiter went on, "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton. You pick the grapes at the same time. The same cepage, You crush in the same way, You put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other. Then, smell both the fingers. Then, you will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

That's it for today, my little bean sprouts. Remember, lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. I'm going to  AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, February 25, 2013

Racing and Crashes and Oscars - Oh My !

It was an interesting weekend with the crashed marred Nascar Nationwide race on Saturday and the Daytona 500 on Sunday afternoon. Sunday night topped off the weekend with the glitz and glamor of the Academy Awards. If you happened to be a gay Nascar fan, the weekend must have been Nirvana.

Saturday's Nationwide series race was marred with a horrendous last lap crash which injured at least 30 people when car parts flew into the grandstands. At least 12 cars were swept into a melee on the final lap with rookie Kyle Larson’s car lifting off the ground and slamming wheels-first into the frontstretch grandstands near the flag stand.

The front wheels and engine from Larson’s car flew into the grandstands. No fatalities were reported but two people taken to the Halifax in Daytona Beach arrived in critical condition and one of those had life-threatening injuries, but both are considered stable.

Sunday's Daytona 500 was won by Jimmy Johnson with pole sitter Danica Patrick finishing a respectable 8th position, the highest finish ever recorded by a woman.

The Academy Awards were long and tiring as usual but there were a few outstanding moments. Argo won the Oscar for Best Picture and for some strange reason the presentation was read by Michele Obama. Perhaps it was just Hollywood left "boosterism" and propaganda for the White House or possibly because Barack did not win the Oscar for Best Dramatic actor.

Daniel Day-Lewis won the award for best actor for his role in "Lincoln" and Jennifer Lawrence won the Best Actress award for "Silver Linings Playbook." Ang Li took the Best Director award for "The Life Of Pi".

All in all, if you could stomach some of the hokey sets and song and dance scenes, it was an interesting night. From the previews that I had heard about Seth MacFarlane as host, I expected a bad performance, but overall, I think he did a good job.

The News As I See It: The Academy Awards was a lot of people you've never met thanking people I've never heard of. It was television's answer to JetBlue. You sit there for four hours waiting for it to take off. The show is four hours long, yet they give out awards for editing. That takes a lot of nerve. Pope Benedict was nominated for an Academy Award. He was up against "Lincoln" for best big hat.

A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets.

The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan is now forced to choose between drinking or driving. She can't afford both.

The very first Woolworth's five-and-dime opened on this day in 1879. They went out of business in 1997. You know why? They were nickel and dimed to death.

There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China.

Pope Benedict was very underrated. The guy wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks. How bad is that? Now they're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout with Kelly Ripa. It's reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a relatively small pension, so don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads "Will Pope for food."

A 104-year-old-woman is complaining that she can’t put her real age on Facebook because the birth dates only go back as far as 1910. Facebook said it will solve the problem by either adding the dates or just waiting it out.

This Date In History: 1570; Elizabeth I, queen of England, was excommunicated by Pope Pius V. 1836; Samuel Colt patented the first revolving barrel multishot firearm. 1870; Hiram Revels became the first black United States senator, taking over the term of Jefferson Davis.

1901; J.P. Morgan formed U.S. Steel Corporation, the first billion-dollar corporation in the world. 1948; Communists took control of the government in Czechoslovakia. 1964; Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion for the first time by knocking out Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

1983; Tennessee Williams, American playwright, died. 1986; President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines; Corazon Aquino took over the office. 1990; Violeta Chamorro was elected president of Nicaragua, a victory for opponents of the Sandinistas.

Picture Of The Day: Bambettes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "your account's overdrawn." 2) I went to Sears the other day to buy some camouflage fishing pants, but I couldn't find any. 3) Have you ever woke up with your face in a plate of nachos and an Amish horse and buggy parked in front of your house? either! 4) "Uh, no, you've got the wrong number. This is 91..2." 5) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 25th: Spiders have feelings too - an undeniable but useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes! Bask in the glory of your achievements today discounting, of course, the fact that a spider family no longer has a father figure to rely on on.

Birthdays: Pierre Auguste Renoir, French artist 1841, Enrico Caruso, tenor 1873, John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State 1888, Dame Myra Hess, pianist 1890, Anthony Burgess, novelist 1917, Bobby Riggs, tennis player 1918, George Harrison, musician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" All answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in America by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." Her companion replies, "That's a bit odd, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart and says, "Two dogs, please," The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers, "What part did you get?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed.

Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"

The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the "F" word."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys." The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "Wait!" The priest says, "What’s wrong?!" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Nancy sticks her ass in it."

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. The Queen said, "Oh Dear! How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." The Archbishop said, "It's quite understandable, your highness. As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse."

That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, February 22, 2013

A Weekend Of Nascar Racing

It should be a great weekend with Nascar Racing at Daytona culminating with the Daytona 500 on Sunday. Later that evening, we can watch the 85th annual Academy Awards show.

Daytona begins tonight with the Camping World Truck series race. On Saturday afternoon, the Nationwide series season opener and on Sunday afternoon, the Daytona 500.

At the Academy Awards presentations, the nominees for best picture are: "Amour", "Argo", "Beasts of the Southern Wild", "Django Unchained", "Les Miserables", "Life of Pi", "Lincoln" and "Zero Dark Thirty".

The nominees for Actor in a Leading Role are: Barack Obama "Pinocchio", Bradley Cooper "Silver Linings Playbook",  Daniel Day-Lewis "Lincoln", Hugh Jackman, "Les Misérables", Joaquin Phoenix "The MasterView", and Denzel Washington "Flight".

The nominees for Actress in a Leading Role are: Jessica Chastain "Zero Dark Thirty", Jennifer Lawrence "Silver Linings Playbook" Emmanuelle Riva "Amour", Quvenzhané Wallis "Beasts of the Southern Wild" and  Naomi Watts "The Impossible".

The News As I See It: Scientists at the University of Maryland say they have found a chemical that causes women to talk more than men. It’s called “Chardonnay.” According to the study, women talk almost three times as much as men. That's usually because they know men aren't listening the first two times.

Officials in Oklahoma say it is possible that a 65-year-old man recently died of spontaneous combustion. This is not an isolated case. I think the last guy we saw go down in flames was Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. - Jesse plead guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time.

In the latest Oscar buzz, many Pakistanis are saying that "Zero Dark Thirty" contains factual errors. Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that being directed by a woman does not qualify as a factual error.

Obama will speak at Ohio State’s graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He’s currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt.

Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become "The Jerry Springer Show"? Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. He’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.

Former San Diego mayor Maureen O'Connor, told federal prosecutors she went broke after gambling away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband at casinos playing video poker. But to be fair, at one point, she was up 300 bucks.

Colorado recently voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is "Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave."

This Date In History: 1371; Robert II succeeded to the throne of Scotland, beginning the Stuart dynasty. 1819; Spain ceded Florida to the United States. 1879; Frank Winfield Woolworth opened his first "Five Cent Store" in Utica, New York.

1924; Calvin Coolidge made the first presidential radio broadcast from the White House. 1935; Airplanes were no longer permitted to fly over the White House. 1980; In a major upset, the U.S. Olympic hockey team defeated the Soviets 4–3 at Lake Placid, New York.

Picture Of The Day: Searching for a mouse.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions. 2) I'm sorry I got angry and said a lot of things I meant but shouldn't have said.  3) I don't think anyone should be allowed to write their autobiography until after they're dead. 4) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f*ck happened. 5) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 22nd: Don't forget to lock your doors today and remember to give the children and pets a pat on the head. Your footsteps will seem louder today as you break in new shoes. However, this will not be a metaphorical sign of anything greater.

Birthdays: George Washington, First American President 1732, Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher 1788, James Russell Lowell, poet, critic, and editor 1819, Edna St. Vincent Millay, poet 1892, Edward Kennedy, U.S. Senator 1932, Jonathan Demme, director, producer, screenwriter 1944, Julius Erving, basketball player 1950, Drew Barrymore, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says, "Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. The Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding. The driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from South Carolina got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1313 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I’m not able to carry all of this."

The old lady suggested, "Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The farmer said, "Why, thank you very much" and proceeded to walk the old lady home.

On the way he says, "Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens…."

Author's Note: For some reason, my TuneList is not currently working on the lowly AOL. It continues to work on Internet Explorer, Google, Google Chrome and Safari. This problem is being addressed and hopefully will be rectified in the coming days. 

That's it for today, my little flaming little comets. Remember, always be an optimist - at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for cocktails.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Danica Patrick Has Decisions To Make For Tomorrow's Race

The pressure associated with winning the pole for the Daytona 500 is difficult for any Nascar driver. That pressure is doubled when you're Danica Patrick, the first woman to ever win the Daytona 500 pole. Although Danica has modest Nascar experience, she's no stranger to speed, having completed in the Indycar series with one win coming in Japan and also Nascar's Nationwide series.

Tomorrow's twin 150 qualifying races present a conundrum for all the drivers. These are a new generation of race cars and are untested in competitive pack racing. The drivers themselves have little or no experience with these cars in the draft especially with the series of crashes that happened in testing this week.

The question is do the drivers who have guaranteed starting spots in the 500 hold back and save their cars for the big race? Or, do they use the rest to learn more about the draft and how to improve their cars for Sunday's race?

Does Danica go all out to show her abilities and the great car she is driving or does she assure herself the historical start from the pole on Sunday?

Tomorrow's race wail put a great deal of pressure on all of the drivers including two drivers who have to finish in the top 15 to even be eligible for the 500. Adding to the pressure is the ever present chance of a major crash ("the big one') and possibly ruining your chances to even race on Sunday.

No matter what happens tomorrow, Danica Patrick deserves a pat on the back for her accomplishment this week and I wish her luck in tomorrow's race.

The News As I See It: Dozens of lawsuits have been filed against Carnival Cruise Lines. If you thought the ship was filthy, slimy, and disgusting, wait until these lawyers get involved.

President's day is an American tradition. You can tell how important a president was based by his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England. People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson.

Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. You remember how mad Michelle got when Barack ate a cheeseburger. When he headed to Florida, she told him, "Hey Barry, no hanging out with Tiger and his white ho's afterwards. You come right home."

Tiger Woods gave the Obama some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages! Tiger said that Obama's handicap is that he doesn't understand economics.

It was a great day for a bunch of thieves in Belgium. They got away with more than $50 million worth of pure, uncut diamonds. This diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport if you don't count the airlines charging $25 to check a bag.

Reader's Digest filed for bankruptcy, just one week after the Pope resigned. Man, my grandmother hasn't been this depressed since Michael Bublé got married.

Yoko Ono turned 80 years old. People suggest that Yoko broke up the Beatles. Now that she's 80, the only thing she's breaking up is bingo games.

The New York Yankees are in spring training and you kind of feel it.....the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, the smell of the deer antler spray.

This Date In History: 1792; President George Washington signed the Post Office Act, establishing a permanent Post Office Department. 1809; The Supreme Court ruled the power of the federal government is greater than that of any individual state.

1895; Frederick Douglass, abolitionist, author, and orator, died. 1962; John Glenn became the first American to orbit Earth. 1998; Tara Lipinski won the Olympic figure skating gold medal. 2003; A fire in a nightclub in Warwick, Rhode Island, killed 100 and injured over 150.

Picture Of The Day: Keep your hands away from my nuts!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My ex-girlfriend told me that she would go the extra mile for the opposite direction. 2) Tequila will never be my downfall as the worm does not justify the hangover. 3) I'm already having nightmares about the rejects from this season's American Idol show. 4) Your "other car" is just as crummy as my "other car." 5) At the bank, I went through the little rope maze that they put up when the bank is busy. The funny thing is that there were no customers in the bank, yet I went through the maze anyway. The teller gave me my deposit receipt but neglected to give me my cheese reward.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 20th: Everything positive that could possibly happen to you is waiting around the corner. This week will reverse any setbacks you've had recently. Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France then chances are you're going to strike out again this week. Wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet!

Birthdays: I have quite a few of my pals celebrating birthdays today and I like to wish Donna, Everett, Gary, Jo-ann and Tom very happy birthdays 19XX, Honore Daumier, caricaturist, painter 1808, Louis Kahn, architect 1901, Ansel Adams, American photographer 1902, Robert Altman, director 1925, Sidney Poitier, actor 1927, Bobby Unser, auto racer and Indianapolis 500 winner 1934, Buffy Sainte-Marie singer, songwriter 1941, Phil Esposito, hockey player 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One night, a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance - leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and a pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. The mother said diplomatically, "Dear, he doesn't seem very nice." The daughter replied, "Oh please, Mom, if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

There was a woman who was very beautiful, except she had a hare lip. The woman was so embarrassed by her hare lip that she went into the woods to live all alone in a cabin, where no one would ever see her hare lip.

At the same time, there lived in the city a man with a wooden eye. He only had one real eye, but he was too poor to buy a glass eye, so he had a fake wooden eye made. He figured no normal woman would go out with him, but he heard about the woman with the hare lip and he thought maybe she would go out with him.

So he wandered through the woods until he found her cabin and he knocked on the door. He was still worried about his wooden eye, but he figured she wouldn't say anything because she'd be so sensitive about her hare lip. So he knocked on the door, introduced himself and said, "Would you like to go out with me?"

She was thrilled, because no one had ever asked her out before. He said again, "Would you like to go out with me?" and she said, "Would I? Would I?" And he said, "Hare Lip! Hare Lip!" And neither of them were heard from again.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thank to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

The teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny said. "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, find me the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson saying, "And you, Tanya?” Tanya replied, "I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, you're spending too much time on Facebook when you're hoping that your friends are interested in what you ate in the last half hour. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !