Friday, January 30, 2015

Back In The Day And Getting Older


Since I don't see me very often, I forget that I'm not 25 any longer. Unfortunately, there is always that occasional reminder that brings me back to reality. I got new glasses today and, while waiting, I observed other people waiting for their glasses, which amused me.

My mirth was quickly wiped off my face when I tried on my new glasses and looked into the mirror, only to see some old guy with glasses looking back at me. Yep, it's been a while since I've seen 25.

The featured picture of me is circa 1985 and as you can see, my hair was much darker, Then again, it was 30 years ago. I was performing at Skywalkers Supper Club with Los Continentales, a very talented local group and a pleasure to perform with.

But that was then and nowadays, I have to wait in the morning for the old guy in the bathroom, washing his hands and gargling with my mouthwash. Fortunately, I still clean up pretty well and with the help of smoke and mirrors, I rarely have anyone call the morgue.

But mornings are tough. There are some mornings when even I shudder as I gaze upon myself. The closest way to paint a mental picture of how I look in the morning is to show this picture of actor Nick Nolte's mug shot after his arrest.


Nevertheless, I don't think I'd change a thing in my life. Life is good and I'm surrounded by family and good friends.....

Author's Note: My infamous keyboard incident where I spilled my scotch has taken its toll and my new keyboard should arrive within days. Until then, I have to put up with this sticking keyboarddddddddd.

The News As I See It: If you want to go to the Super Bowl in Phoenix, it will cost you a lot of money, double what they were last year. The average asking price is around $6,000 per ticket. Do people not know the game is on television this year?

On eBay, a group of four Super Bowl tickets is going for $51,000. Although to be fair, that price includes a full-body rubdown from stadium security.

This Date In History: 1649; King Charles I of England was beheaded. 1933; Adolf Hitler was named Chancellor of Germany. 1948 Gandhi was assassinated. 1968; North Vietnamese forces launched attacks against the South Vietnamese, beginning the Tet offensive.

1972; British troops opened fire on civil rights marchers in Northern Ireland, sparking the "Bloody Sunday" massacre. 1979; The Iranian civilian government announced that the exiled Ayatollah Khomeini would be allowed to return.

Picture Of The Day: Puppies! I love puppies and kittens too, but today is puppy day.


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always carry a picture of my girlfriend in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there. 2) John 3:16, Matthew 3:17, Luke 3:18. It was a very close race. 3) She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano. 4) Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics 5) Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady, I always hand her a card that states "A mild sense of nausea is perfectly normal.".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 30th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio today.A report of startling significance will land on a desk near you over the coming week. This report will tell you everything you need to know about the feelings of another and will help you understand how to begin living the rest of your life. Let's just hope it's not a police report.

Birthdays: Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States 1882 Gene Hackman, actor 1930, Richard, Brautigan writer 1935, Vanessa Redgrave, actress 1937, Richard Cheney, Vice President of the United States 1941, Michael Dorris, American writer 1945, Christian Bale, actor 1974.


The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

A student nurse found an elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Since hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged, she brought the man a wheelchair, although he insisted he didn't any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked him if his wife was meeting him. He answered, "I don't know. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem. How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The biker said, "Hey, thanks!" and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live on Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

That's it for today, my little Chia Pets. Remember, men who dislike waking up at the crack of Dawn usually regret drunk dialing Dawn the night before. The AREA 51 Trek is iffy tonight.

Have a great weekend and more on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

A Selfie Was Out Of The Question Back In The Day


I got my first camera somewhere between age 10 and 11. It used black and white film, and flashbulbs, which, for some reason, you had to lick the end before putting it in the camera. I got it by selling 8X10 cards door-to-door that had old adages and religious quotes on them and they sold for 10 cents each.

The cards were no more than blue paste board with glitter writing, and quite frankly, I think a good portion of my sales were because the customers felt sorry for me. Nevertheless, I persisted and sold all of my cards.

I got the idea from a comic book ad and I filled out the application and mailed it. They sent me the product and once I returned the monies earned, they sent me the camera.

Our family did not own a camera. Mom and Dad were too busy figuring out how to pay for silly things light rent, groceries, electricity, school clothes and the like. The funny thing was after I got the camera, the whole family was always willing to strike a pose.

I began to seriously get involved in and follow auto racing and my camera captured many a treasured moment. It was also useful in documenting my fishing trips as it backed up my stories of the fish I caught. But as I began the transition from boy to man, I found my camera was useful as an icebreaker with the girls.

I find it a bit sad that many of today's youth seem to expect a cell phone from their parents. Ostensibly, it's for their safety, but many bad things happen back in the day, as well. The difference is that today's news is instant news and spreads quickly since the advent of cell phones, tablets and the like.

There is no better feeling than working for something and getting it by yourself, especially when you're young. It is a good life lesson.....

My long time friend Pete was always a willing subject in my photography days

The News As I See It: The Northeast was hit hard with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they've haven't seen a whiteout like this since last week's Oscar nominations. Weathermen were talking' about the blizzard-like conditions. I'm no expert, but If you have blizzard-like conditions, isn't that a blizzard?

Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia's first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady.

Obama said In a speech that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016.

It's been a few days since King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I winder if it's too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?

This Date In History: 1547; King Henry VIII of England died and his nine-year-old son, Edward VI, assumed the throne. 1915; Congress passed legislation creating the U.S. Coast Guard.

1916; The first Jewish Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, Louis Brandeis, was appointed. 1986; U.S. shuttle Challenger exploded 72 seconds after lift off, killing all seven crew members aboard, including school teacher Christa McAuliffe.

1999; The creation of Element 114 is announced by scientists. 2003; In his second State of the Union Address, President Bush presents case for war with Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: My friend and national race car champion Charles "Red" Farmer was one of my first pictures with my new camera. Red, now in his eighties, continues to race dirt track modified cars in Alabama. 


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Are you unsure about birth control? Watch my kids for 10 minutes. 2) According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again. 3) Apparently sitting here on my new lawn furniture, drinking my vodka and minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests. 4) Curiously, it's always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences. 5) Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status. After the third time, it should default to "Unstable".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 28th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair.

Testing times lay ahead for you if you expect your love life to be without its ups and downs. Your body is a temple. Congratulations on the expanding congregation!

Birthdays: Sir Henry Morton Stanley, explorer 1841, William Seward Burroughs, inventor 1857, Colette, novelist 1873, Arthur Rubinstein, concert pianist 1887, John Banner, actor 1910, Roger Vadim, filmmaker 1928, Alan Alda, actor 1936, Sarah McLachlan, singer, songwriter 1968, Elijah Wood, actor 1981.

Does anyone know what this is?

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. Once more, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"

The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. The doctor says, "The pain must have been excruciating!"

The hunter said, "It was, the second worst pain in my life." The doctor asked,  "Second worst? What could have been worse than that?" The hunter replied, "Coming to the end of the chain."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked, "Who are you?" The voice answered, "I am your guardian angel." The man said, "Yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

The man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

The waitress says, "That's brilliant! Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" The man says, "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there."

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, the path less traveled by is usually taken only because one is lost. Tonight's destination is AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, January 26, 2015

It Was Just One Of Those Days


Yep, the TV was playing in the background and I was working on today's Journal entry with Samantha sitting next to the keyboard, checking for spelling errors. Then, it happened. I reached for my scotch and just before I took a sip, I coughed.

I was a decent athlete as a young man. I was a good football receiver and a good outfielder in baseball. I played amateur Jai Alai and even won a few tournaments. I play the guitar, keyboards and sing. But, as I've grown older, I've learned that coordination and especially multitasking is no longer an option. But I digress....

The congestion and constant cough I've been fighting for more than a month is subsiding, but evidently, the cough still had one more card to play.

As the glass touched my lips, I coughed, thus sending the glass and its contents onto my keyboard, bouncing once or twice and then falling to the floor, breaking into bits and pieces. The pi├Ęce de r├ęsistance was that what liquid that did not go into my keyboard or the floor, went into my lap.

Samantha bolted for safety as I began cursing to the point that I was just making up the most vile, obscene utterances that I could think of, which, in retrospect, even embarrassed me.

While I won't go deeply into detail as to the clean-up process, my main concerns were the broken shards of glass and the chance that Samantha might be cut, and salvaging the keyboard. The rest of the cleanup consisted of a half roll of paper towels, a mop and a hand vacuum.

Surprisingly, the keyboard still works, although occasionally, some of the keys stickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

I don't drink that over-priced Starbucks crap but this idea  would work fine as a drink holder

The News As I See It: CNN is developing a game show to be hosted by Anderson Cooper. It will be just like the other CNN shows except the contestants will make wild guesses instead of the news anchors.

Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he’d want the ability to speak any language. That's so everyone in the world could tell him he picked one of the lamest possible superpowers.

Jeff Gordon, four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion, Jeff announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.

Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.


This Date In History: 1788; The first European settlers landed in Sydney, Australia. 1802; Congress passed an act calling for establishment of a library within the US Capitol. 1837; Michigan became the 26th state in the United States.

1950; India, three years after gaining its independence from the United Kingdom, formally became a republic. 1979; Former Vice President Nelson Rockefeller died in New York at age 70.

1988; Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera opened on Broadway. It would go on to become the longest-running Broadway show. 1993; Vaclav Havel was elected president of the new Czech Republic. 2001; A magnitude 7.7 earthquake rocked the Indian state of Gujarat, killing more than 20,000 people.

Picture Of The Day: It's being called "Deflategate" and the double entendre and puns are sweeping the news and social sites. Personally, I think they're nuts.....


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck thugs. 2) Reintarnation is defined as coming back to life as a southerner.

3) I'm not saying that people spend too much time on Facebook, but a friend of mine logged out for a month and graduated college, lost weight, showered, read 17 books and started a family.

4) I knew that psychic wasn't credible when she let me write her a check. 5) What doesn't kill you, forces me to reload.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 26th: Google is about to take over your life - play responsibly. Your lucky horse for today is Sombrero's Lid. Some people seem to take the question "how stupid can you be?" as a personal challenge. Avoid that pitfall....hell, avoid all pitfalls !

Birthdays: Charles XIV, king of Sweden and Norway 1763, Douglas MacArthur, American General 1880, Bessie Coleman, aviator 1893, Paul Newman, actor 1925, Jules Feiffer cartoonist and writer 1927, David Strathairn, actor 1949, Ellen DeGeneres, comedienne, actress 1958, Wayne Gretzky, hockey player 1961.


The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn’t doing well at all. After checking the bull’s vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull’s mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence and mounting every cow in his way. The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer ruefully smiled and replied, "Yep, now give me one of those pills. I’ve gotta go catch him!"

Tom bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure...it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline or E85. He returned it to the dealer yesterday because he couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

The technician said to the radio, Nelson." The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" The technician said, "Willie!" and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

Tom drove away happy and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Beethoven", he'd get beautiful classical music and if he said, "Beatles", he'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed Tom's new truck, but Tom swerved in time to avoid him. He yelled, "Asshole!"

Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States." Old Tom loves his new truck.....


The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." St.  Peter said, "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a Democrat, tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the local emergency room to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obamacare, they turned me down."

A guy walked into a bar and after a couple of drinks, said to the bartender, "I’ve got this great Polish joke."

The bartender glared and warned him, "Before you go telling that joke, I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."

The guy replies, Okay, I’ll tell it slowly."

That's it for today, my little bluebirds. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except for Grizzly bears. Grizzly bears will just kill you.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, January 23, 2015

Dinner Table Stories From My Youth


A flashback to the days of my youth and our family dinner table left me amused today. There weren't any menu options. You ate what was served, the portion was decided by Dad and only those who have heard the phrase "clean your plate" will understand.

For the uninformed, "clean your plate" meant you had to eat everything you were served whether you liked it or not. If you asked for more, you'd get more, but under the same terms and conditions.

Brother Kirt liked everything, He was the Mikey of the family. Sister Jean and I were more picky. If you did not clean your plate, you sat at the table until you finished it. I spent many a night sitting alone at the dinner table. Sometimes I felt my father was a communist dictator.

My parents always cooked dinner. We never ate fast food, because the only place in town was Royal Castle. Dinner began after "saying the blessing". On good days (my definition), we'd have fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and corn. My nemesis was the dreaded liver which, as part of a communist plot, was almost always served with asparagus. I still have nightmares about it.


Brother Kirt and Beannie

My salvation was my dog Beannie, who, as a pup, was trained to catch things in mid-air. He learned the trick because we tossed him food.

On liver and asparagus days, I'd toss Beannie a piece of liver on the sly. My next trick was to then toss him a piece of asparagus which he caught and swallowed before he figured out that it tasted like shit.

I'd have to coax Beannie on the next toss, allowing him to smell the liver before I tossed it. Subsequently, the next toss was asparagus.

We were a poor, working class family. I never really knew we were poor until later in life because my childhood was good. Our dinnerware consisted of mismatched melmac plates and the glasses were an assortment of decorative jelly glasses (remember them?).


Probably the worst place to get the giggles was at the supper table, but it happened almost nightly. The funniest thing to do was to drop food into somebody's milk glass when they weren't looking.

The other two siblings would wait until that person was almost finished drinking their milk and saw the food in their glass. Inevitably someone would laugh out loud, often causing another to have milk come out of their nose (usually Sister Jean).The merriment and laughter quickly ended when Mom or especially Dad looked glaringly to we three at the table.

It was the best of times.....


The News As I See It: California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.

Musician Kid Rock came under fire for posting a photo of himself holding a cougar that he had just killed. People were outraged until they realized the cougar was one of the "Real Housewives of Orange County."

New Kids on the Block announced they are going back on tour in May. Wait.....the New Kids are touring, gas is at two bucks a gallon, and we may have another round of Bush vs. Clinton for president? If I get home and find a stack of free AOL CDs in the mail, then I'm pretty sure I just traveled through time.

The Jamaican government is considering a bill to decriminalize marijuana. But first they have to get over the shock of finding out it was illegal in the first place.

According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s. Even crazier, every one of them was re-elected this November.

Carl's Jr, the burger chain, is causing some controversy with its ad for an all-natural burger that features a woman walking naked through a farmers market. Apparently Carl's Jr. customers were offended by the sight of a farmers market.

This Date In History: 1556; The deadliest earthquake on record killed 830,000 in Shansi, China. 1789; Georgetown University established in what is now Washington, DC. 1849; Elizabeth Blackwell became the first woman physician in the U.S.

1964; The 24th Amendment to the Constitution, barring poll taxes, was ratified. 1968; North Korea seized the U.S. Navy ship Pueblo (the crew was released 11 months later.) 1973; President Nixon announced that an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War.

1989; Salvador Dali died in Spain at age 84. 2002; Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped by the National Movement for the Restoration of Pakistani Sovereignty. 2004; Bob Keeshan, "Captain Kangaroo," died at age 76.

Picture Of The Day: (L-R) myself, Dad, Jonathon ("Little Joe") and Brother Kirt. On a side note, The picture in the background was painted by me.


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I just received an email listing five ways to prevent divorce. "Don't get married" wasn't on there. Neither was "murder." Stupid list. 2) Sorry I misunderstood BYOB. What should I do with this buffalo?  3) The easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder". 4) My girlfriend takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I'm rocking the swimming trunks I bought at K-Mart in 1999. 5) If Obama were a Greek philosopher, his name would be Mediocrites.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 23rd: Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago. Changing your love life can be done with pies, tarts and unleavened bread. However, I find that it's easier to forget eating that crap and go out and find love in the bars that you usually frequent.

Birthdays: Edouard Manet, French painter 1832, Sergei Eisenstein, filmmaker 1898, Django Reinhardt, jazz musician 1910, Potter Stewart, Associate Justice 1915, Gertrude B. Elion, pharmacologist 1918, Ernie Kovacs, actor, comedian 1919, Jeanne Moreau, actress 1928, Derek Walcott, dramatist and poet 1930, Princess Caroline of Monaco, royalty 1957, Tiffani Thiessen, actress 1974.

Tuscaloosa, Alabama circa 1954-55 with my cousins

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. His wife asks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." His wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." So they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. The husband asks, "What do you think you're doing?" His wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love." Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser....at half the price."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Grandfather Sullivan, Dad, cousins Buddy and Aileen, Brother Kirt and Sister Jean 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are no Muslims."

The ambassador continued, "My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'."

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future....."

A guy was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters'."

The father continued, "Then she said, 'Sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it'."

His friend said, "Holy Cow, she actually said that?" The father said, "Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she walked in with a black tattooed boy and said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend Mohamed. We're going to work together with Obama to elect Hillary Clinton in 2016'."

That's it for today, my little egg rolls. Remember, it's impossible to have an "ok" time on a trampoline. It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital. Time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !