Monday, March 30, 2009

Every Now And Then We See Cases Of Poetic Justice !

As you may know, I have total disdain for thieves, liars and idiots. My hopes are always that, sooner or later, the mysterious powers of the universe and Murphy's law, will combine forces and bring all street monkeys the just rewards they deserve. Waxing poetically, one might say that the proverbial cream shall always rise to the surface and whale shit will always sink to the lowest depths of the ocean.

The gods and Mr. Murphy humored me this weekend as the national news featured two different stories about idiots who fit my definition of genuine assholes.

Of course, the bailout and redistribution of the wealth is the best definition of highway robbery, but for some reason, the government doesn't see it that way and it's something we all have to deal with.

Our first winner is Vince Shlomi, the man who sells the ShamWows in those infomercials. Vince was arrested last month for allegedly attacking a prostitute. According to the police report, 44-year-old Schlomi and a 26-year-old female named Sasha Harris were at his Miami hotel when the fight occurred.

The Shamwow pitchman reportedly hit Harris after she bit his tongue. Both parties sustained injuries. Police took Scholmi and Harris in for felony aggravated battery, but prosecutors later declined to file formal charges. I kinda figured that something like this would happen to Vince sooner or later. I mean, what you expect from a lecher who looks like Popeye.

Winner number two hails from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where a retired police chief said he was robbed by "probably the dumbest criminal in Pennsylvania," at a police officers' convention on Friday morning. John Comparetto said as he came out of a stall in the men's room, a man pointed a gun in his face and demanded money. There were 300 narcotics officers from Pennsylvania and Ohio at the gathering.

Comparetto gave up his money and cell phone. But when the man, identified as Jerome Marquis Blanchet, fled, Comparetto and some colleagues chased him. They arrested the 19-year-old man as he was trying to leave in a taxi. Blanchet is also awaiting trial on four previous robbery charges. Blanchet was arraigned and taken to Dauphin County Prison. When a reporter asked the suspect for comment as he was led out of court, he said, "I'm smooth."

Yeah, well hopefully his ass will be real smooth after he becomes the bitch of his new roommate, Bubba.......!

My brother Kirt sent me an email on Friday of a 9/11 memorial site referred to as "The Teardrop Memorial." It is officially known as "To The Struggle Against World Terrorism." The memorial is located in New Jersey and was donated by a Russian artist named Zurab Tsereteli. The Memorial was dedicated in New Jersey on September 11, 2006, the fifth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on the United States. With all the bad news and commentary on television today, especially the cable news channels, I wonder why none of these news channels can find the time to report about something nice. Oh, I remember now......they profit by hyping sensationalism.

This Date In History: 1856; The Treaty of Paris brings the Crimean War between Russia and Turkey, supported by Great Britain, France, and Sardinia, to an end. 1981; American president Ronald Reagan is shot in the chest as he leaves a Washington, D.C. hotel; drifter John Hinckley, Jr. is promptly arrested for the shooting. 1999; A jury in Portland, Oregon, orders cigarette manufacturer Phillip Morris to pay $81,000,000 to the family of a man who died of lung cancer after smoking Marlboros for four decades. 2002; Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother, dies at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: If you believe the old adage that crime doesn't pay, then you either don't have a 401K account or you haven't watched the news lately. There are times, however, that criminals are caught, punished and justice is served. Today's theme reflects those wishes and the hope that every once in a while, some deserving dumb ass gets the electric chair or life in prison.

I would be remiss though, if I didn't take a moment to think about the good citizens of Fargo, North Dakota and the surrounding communities that are suffering through the devastating floods that are affecting them. My prayers and hopes are with theses people in their time of need.

Birthdays: Francisco José de Goya y Lucientes, Spanish painter 1746, Anna Sewell, English author 1820, Vincent van Gogh, Dutch painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, Irish playwright 1880, Warren Beatty, film actor, director, producer, and screenwriter 1937, Eric Clapton, British rock and blues guitarist, singer, and songwriter best known for his lyric guitar style and use of blues techniques to enhance his rock music performances. On March 20, 1991, Clapton's four-year-old son was killed in fall. While he mourned, he released a live album, "24 Nights," featuring a song written for his son, "Tears in Heaven," that became a massive hit single. 1945.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I believe the money I make belongs to me, not some congressman with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. 2) I don't really believe that the hokey pokey is what it's all about. 3) Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies and kittens. 4) An Arachnoleptic Fit is the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 5) Women have always trusted me and that has sometimes forced me to make gentlemanly decisions despite the objections of Johnnie Walker Black.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk said, "Congratulations! Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy says, "Naw, thanks. I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

The sheriff yells "Hold on, Mister...Did I just see what I think I just saw?" The cowboys says, "Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..." The sheriff says "And that cures them?" The cowboy replies, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

A group of American women recently established a number of nail salons in southeast Asia and staffed it with women who only speak English.

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

The service station attendant asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman answered, "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." The attendant said, "Lady, Indians ride bareback."

That's it for today my little horseback riders. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, March 27, 2009

Who Can Find Time To Run The Government When You're Busy Making Television Appearances?

It's a new day and age and the Presidency of the United States has taken on a whole new look. The Chief Dude now appears on daily television in his quest to "Change" America. The normal Saturday radio address was held on You Tube. He appeared on the the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, he had a virtual Town Hall Meeting, not to mention his constant daily CNN News Conferences. This is probably going to get funnier as I expect to see him soon featured on "Dancing With The Stars" and entering in the Bass Fishing Tournaments on ESPN.

What he should be doing is making an appearance at the U.S. - Mexico border along with 10,000 American troops and stop the drug dealers from infiltrating America and shooting anything that moves. What he should be doing is cracking down on corporations like Microsoft from shipping "low paying" jobs to India. What he should be doing is explaining how giving away money to people who sit on their asses and complain, will not further burden the U.S. tax payer and the economy.

The current bailout mess notwithstanding, we've just finished eight years under the rein of George "Dubya" Bush, a C-average college student who couldn't even properly speak the English language. After eight years of this nimrod running the show, we now have a president who wants to take the money of hard working middle class taxpayers and "spread the wealth" (read give it to the "poor").

Sorry, but I worked hard for my money, and I never received unemployment checks, food stamps or welfare, even though there were times I could have used the help. My parents nor my grandparents ever received any type of help either. When you have generations of families receiving this type of aid, something is wrong with the picture. This type of financial aid was intended to be temporary, not multi-generational.

It boggles my mind how America is run by either left wing or right wing parties, whose "me first" mentality seems oblivious to the needs of the other party. In the interim, these parties and the type of government they represent is funded mostly by "middle of the road", hard working tax payers. I am further amazed at the fact that there is not a Centrist or "middle of the road" party as an alternative to the left and right wing parties.

I can assure you that the minds of most Americans, given the choice of three equally funded and represented parties, would choose the middle of the road. Until this comes to pass, the government will always be headed by idiots who only think of themselves and their party first.

Today's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for some rest and recreation. After the news this week, it's time to party with my pals and nothing is more relaxing than to hang out and enjoy the company of my pal, Johnnie walker Black and enjoy the evening.

This Date In History: 1899; Guglielmo Marconi, a pioneer of wireless communications, transmits a radio telegraphy signal between England and France. 1958; Nikita Khrushchev becomes prime minister of the Soviet Union. 1973; Marlon Brando refuses his Oscar for The Godfather in protest at Hollywood's treatment of Native Americans.

Picture Of The Day: Although today's theme is obvious, I have to allow a break in the theme in order to show this picture of Valerie Bertinelli, age 48, on the cover of People magazine. Ms. Bertinelli, who has been fighting a weight problem for years, has lost 50 pounds and is shown here sporting her new look and this boy likes it!

Birthdays: My pal, Jackie's birthday is on Sunday, so happy Birthday my love 19XX, Wilhelm Conrad Roentgen, German physicist 1845, Gloria Swanson, Hollywood actress 1897, James Callaghan, British prime minister 1912, Cyrus Vance, US secretary of state 1917, Sarah Vaughan, American jazz singer and pianist 1924, Quentin Tarantino, film director, screenwriter, and actor 1963.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. 2) My first "official" date was in the fifth grade and I took a lovely young lass named Janice to the movies. We're still in touch via the Internet. 3) On New Years Day in 1963, my mom asked me if I had been drinking the previous evening. I told her no and she asked me why I kissed my dog Beanie on the nose when I got home. I asked her when she began working for the local newspaper. 4) My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 5) A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. The psychiatrist said, "You don't have to let your wife bully you. Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.

He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"His wife responded, "Yeah, I sure do, the undertaker."

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

The fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observes, "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face that a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected.

That's it for today my little doodle bugs. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Who Hired This Dummy?

I keep hearing the phrase, "I can't find a job." For most people, that's a good question. The average person prepares a resume, dresses appropriately and applies where applications for work are being accepted. In today's economy, it's a very difficult task to find a decent job, but a least most people go prepared. Most people.....

Then there are the people who just don't get it. They are usually the ones who can't seem to find or hold on to a job. My guess is that the first thing they would need, aside from a high school diploma and the ability to conjugate verbs, is a mirror. The trick is to be like the wily chameleon and adjust to you least when it's convenient.

There are some jobs today that have seemingly been filled by idiots and I'm going to tell you about two such positions where anyone with an IQ over 40 can work. One job is in the customer service department at Comcast. How do I know that, you might ask? I spent two hours yesterday attempting to have my Internet and cable service restored yesterday and almost every person I talked to was borderline illiterate.

Each time I called, I had to run the incessant gamut of computer prompted voice recorded questions, only to end up with a rep who said, "Let me "axe" you one thing. Is your television set turned on?" Me:"Uh....yeah, that's how I know MY CABLE ISN'T WORKING ! " Service rep: "Let me transfer you to the service department".....there is a brief silence and the line is disconnected. This went on for an hour, each time re-running the recorded questions gamut to end up with another village idiot. After two hours of this, I finally got a "supervisor" who apologized for the problems and restored my service.

My next call was to Humana, who handles my health insurance. Same the recorded questions gamut only to encounter another series of idiots. Each rep tried to rewrite my current policy (they work on commission). I attempted to explain that I didn't need new coverage and that I just wanted to amend my current coverage.

One rep in particular, after a five minute interview in which she was bent and determined to rewrite my policy said, "Well, if you don't resolve your problem and you want to make a new application my name is Quiniella Williams and I appreciate it if you "axe" for me." Sure thing, lady! I'm thinking...Quiniella, that's a two dollar bet at the local parimutuel dog and horse tracks. What imaginative parents! I bet I know where herr mother was when she found out she was pregnant." I wanted to ask her if her brother was named "Daily Double", but I didn't.

There are plenty of people that could and should be removed from the customer representative department and assigned to the warehouse. Take the case of the woman who ordered a cake from the local grocery store and explained what she wanted written on the cake. Her instructions were to write: "Best wishes Suzanne" Underneath that: "We Will Miss You." This is how the cake turned out.

Doesn't that just take the cake?

This Date In History: 1807; Britain abolishes the African slave trade with the Abolition of the Slave Trade Act. 1957; The Treaty of Rome is signed, providing for the establishment of the European Economic Community (EEC), or Common Market. 1975; King Faisal of Saudi Arabia is assassinated by a nephew; he is succeeded by his half brother, Prince Khalid ibn Abdul.

Picture Of The Day: Appearance is 90% of everything and especially important when looking for a job. While a lot of people want their own distinct look, there are times when the art of being a chameleon is more appropriate and even more rewarding. If you are not aware of this art, then perhaps you didn't follow the presidential election. Say what the people want to hear and wear what you think they want see and chances are, you'll get the job.

Nevertheless, there are still those who want their own distinct look and will probably miss the bus of life most every time. Sadly, when these people finally catch on, it's too late or they're way behind the eight ball.

Birthdays: Joachim Murat, marshal of France and king of Naples 1767, Béla Bartók, Hungarian composer 1881, Flannery O'Connor, American writer 1925, Aretha Franklin, American singer 1942, Elton John, singer-songwriter 1947.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My cat, Shithead, is worried about the economy because Meow Mix is up 99 cents a bag. That's almost $7.00 in cat money. 2) I called one of my lady friends last night and beside the fact that did I not remember why I called her, I couldn't remember her name either. Pretty smooth, eh? 3) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 4) In the past, I once worked in a blanket factory, but it folded. 5) I have never dated a woman whose name begins with Q or X, but I'm willing to give it a try.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher who says, "Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?" Tommy says, "Well Ma'am, my Grandad got burnt." The teacher said, "Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?" Tommy replied, "Yes Ma'am, he was. They don't mess around at those crematoriums!"

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child held the lantern and the mother pushed. After a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The child said, "Hit him again, he shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" The boy replied, "Eight." The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for? The boy says. "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

That's it for today my little french fries. I'm off to AREA 51 and I'll have more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, March 23, 2009

Signs Of Spring (And One Billboard)

It hasn't been a very bad winter for me, which stands to reason since I live in Miami, but I am ready for spring. Cold weather in Miami is normally accompanied by a very humid breeze and when it gets into the 40's, the cold cuts like a knife. With this in mind, I was happy to see the first day of Spring roll in on Friday, March 20th. Unfortunately, no one told Mother Nature about the normally grandiose entry of spring as it was rainy, windy and chilly the entire weekend.

That factoid considered, today the sun rose over Miami in all its splendor and everything looks good for a nice sunny week. For those of you in the snowy areas of America, keep the faith as Spring has sprung and hopefully the snow will begin to dissipate in an orderly manner and signs of spring are hopefully beginning to appear.

Spring is cherry blossom time and the Cherry trees are beginning to bloom, especially in Wasington, D.C. This time of year, the street monkeys of D.C. admire this beautiful event as they clean their weapons in preparation for the Spring robbery season around the nation's capitol. It kinda brings a tear of nostagia to your eye, doesn't it.

Octomom has brought two of her litter home and things are abuzzin' around her new house. The pitter patter of little feet brings joy to the hearts of the people who are paying for the care of her children. Planned parenthood aside, it's great to see another generation of welfare recepients well on their way to the good life, thanks to the American taxpayer.

I've added a new survey site to my growing group of trusted sites that I use for earning extra cash. Surveyhead is a site that I like and you receive $5.00 in you account just for enrolling. You can sign up for any and all the sites for free by clicking the links on my sidebar. Surveyhead cash accounts can be cashed in once you earn $25.00. My survey sites are my way of saving money for Christmas, however they can be cashed in as you deem necessary. I figure if I can spend a lot of time posting my journal on the Internet for free, I might as well invest some of that time getting paid as well. If you have any questions, you can email me at .

This Date In History: 1919; Benito Mussolini holds the founding meeting of the Fascist Party in Milan. 1933; The Enabling Act is passed by the Reichstag, granting dictatorial powers to Adolf Hitler and ending the Weimar Republic. 1983; Retired dentist Barney B. Clark dies 112 days after receiving the first artificial heart.

1996; Lee Teng-hui becomes Taiwan's first democratically elected president. 2001; The Mir space station, the first permanently orbiting space station, is brought out of orbit and disintegrates as it re-enters the Earth's atmosphere.

Picture Of The Day: Spring is in the air and hopefully, life begins anew. I noticed this morning that the angle of the sun is different and that's really the first sign of Spring. So with that in mind, today's pictures will revolve around the beautiful signs that appear to let us know that Spring is here.

Naturally, I have a different criteria as to the signs of Spring as witnessed by this photograph of my lovely sweetie Rocio (center) and a couple of her friends. Ah yes, Spring is in the air!

Birthdays: Schuyler Colfax, 17th vice-president of the United States 1823, Erich Fromm, psychoanalyst 1900, Akira Kurosawa, film director 1910, Wernher Von Braun, German-born American rocket engineer, developer of the liquid-fuel rocket, and leading authority on space exploration 1912.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think that some days you're the dog and some days you're the hydrant. 2) I took my basic training in the U.S. Army at a place called Fort Polk, Louisiana. I'm not going to say that it was bad, but suffice to say if they ever give the world an enema, Fort Polk is where they will insert the tube. 3) I once flew down to San Juan, Puerto Rico to close a real estate deal and was introduced to a dish called Mofongo. Although it sounds lewd and lascivious, its a popular dish, made from fried green plantains or fried yuca, seasoned with garlic, olive oil and pork cracklings, then mashed. 4) I have a mind like a steel trap, rusty and illegal In 37 states. 5) No matter where I go, there I am.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing, "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" The other mother says, "Yes, I remember him as a baby." The older mother says, "He's a martyr now though.

The older mother continues, "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21." The other mother says, "He had such curly hair when he was born." The older mother says, "He's a martyr too " The other mother says, "Oh gracious me, they blow up so fast, don't they?

That's it for today my little fur babies. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, March 20, 2009

Some Things Just Strike Me Funny - Except Lightning

It's Friday and it's been a very trying week. Between the AIG scandal and an incompetent Congress trying to oversee the wasteful and unchecked government bailout disbursements, things have gotten chaotic. The republicans are screaming, claiming the Obama administration and the democrats created the loophole that allowed the AIG bonuses.

Democrat Chris Dodd, Chairman of the Senate Banking Comittee virtually lied to CNN saying he didn't know how the loophole amendment was inserted. When caught lying, he admitted that he was the one that inserted the amendment and passed the blame saying it was at the behest and pressure from the Treasury Department. Dodd's home state is Connecticut where AIG headquarters is located

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner admitted his department did ask that the loophole clause be inserted stating they were wary of possible lawsuits. In the meantime, every useless politician in Washington is busy covering his ass using the "it wasn't me" card.

All this political scrambling and lying makes me think that a journey to AREA 51 is definitely in order. It won't solve any problems that the idiots running this country seem to make on a daily basis, but my pal, Johnnie Walker Black (no relation to Shirley Temple Black) always seems to help me cope with the problem of the day.

I've seen and heard some things that struck me funny this week and I took the time to jot them down. Some are things I heard on talk shows and some are things I read in print but in no particular order, here they are.

The lovely and talented singer Leann Rimes was on Jay Leno and was speaking about her trip to Germany. In showing the pictures she took, one in particular was the exit on a German expressway. The sign reads "Ausfarht" which when translated means "Exit." After the laughter subsided, she noted that the word on German signs meaning "Enter" was "Einfarht."

I'm quick to laugh at bathroom humor and far be it from me not to exploit that very funny scene. Both Rimes, Leno and myself were near tears from laughter.

Watching comedienne Roseanne Barr on a Rodney Dangerfield re-run on HBO, she said she was "a little cranky" because she inadvertently put on her Stay Free Maxi Pad "adhesive side up." While I can only imagine the discomfort this mistake might cause, the visual left me hysterical.

I saw this picture and it cracked me up, so I thought I'd show it to you. I've never really been desperate while browsing life's intricate arcade of beautiful females, but there have been times that my plans were somewhat stymied. However, this little contraption that was probably conjured up by a former Eagle Scout or outdoorsman certainly warrants a round of applause, if for nothing more than originality.

My condolences to the family and friends of actress Natasha Richardson who died this week after a freak skiing accident in Canada. Richardson died as the result of blunt impact, which led to internal bleeding in her head. The wife of Liam Neeson and mother of two, 45, was removed from life support at a New York hospital on Wednesday night, two days after falling on a beginners' ski slope in Canada.

This Date In History: 956; France recognizes the independence of its protectorate of Tunisia as a constitutional monarchy. The bey of Tunis is head of state and Habib Bourguiba became premier. 1602; The Dutch East India Company is chartered to establish bases and fortifications against Spain and Portugal, in return for a monopoly of trade in the Indian and Pacific oceans.

1969; John Lennon and Yoko Ono marry on the Rock of Gibraltar. 1995; Twelve people are killed and about 5,000 injured when the nerve gas sarin in released in a Tokyo underground station. Two days later police raid the offices of the Aum Shinri Kyo religious sect. 2003; The US-led War on Iraq begins with air strikes against Baghdad.

Picture Of The Day: Feel like dropping out of school? Go ahead! In the interim and as a public service, I've found some jobs you might have a chance of getting without an education. That's today's theme my little child rearers. Have your potential dropouts take a good look at some of the cool jobs they can count on. Hey, it makes the job market a little better and less competitive for the rest of us.

Birthdays: Henrik Ibse, Norwegian dramatist 1828, Michael Redgrave, British stage and film actor 1908, Sviatislav Richter, Ukrainian pianist 1915, Vera Lynn, professional name of Dame Vera Margaret Lewis, born Vera Margaret Welch, British singer 1917, Spike Lee, American film-maker 1957.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I believe that experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 2) My first lesson learned from diving from the high dive into the local pool was that the drawstrings on my bathing suit have a very useful purpose. 3) As I have grown older, one of my favorite games is "hide and go pee." 4) I believe that nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 5) I've never owned a slave, or was a slave. I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

You Know You're Getting Old When: Your sweetheart says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. Getting "a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman. The cop said, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" The man replied, "Well, I may have had a pint or two. Why do you ask?"

The policeman said, "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." The old man said, "Oh, thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter and asks, "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob says "Do you sell heart medication?" The Pharmacist says "Of course we do."

Jacob says "How about medicine for circulation?" The Pharmacist replies "All kinds." Jacob says, How about "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis, Viagra, memory problems, arthritis, and Jaundice?" The Pharmacist "Yes, a large variety. This is a drugstore."

Jacob says "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease, wheelchairs and walkers?" The Pharmacist becomes frustrated and says, "We have everything. Why do you ask?"

Jacob says to the pharmacist, "Well, we're getting married and we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry!"

That's it for today my little chickadees. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Like Screen Names, Your First Name Has been Taken - What Will You Change It To?

Let's suppose that life is comparable to screen names. You have your given name and you've always answered to it. But now, you attempt to use your given name and you're told that it's been taken. You definitely don't want to socialize being called Jimmy33 or Gladys12, so you have to give up your first name and choose another. What name would you chose?

This is not an easy task and a lot of thought should be put into your decision. Take the case of a man named Harry Lipschitz who went before a judge to legally change his name. The judge said, "I can see the reasoning behind your desire to change your name, sir. What would you like to change it to?" Harry said, "Murray Lipschitz."

How about a nifty nickname? I don't mean the obvious uses like "Jimmy" in lieu of "James" or "Kate" in lieu of "Katherine", but a really cool nickname. You know, like "Bugsy" or "Scarface" or even more complex, like "Tony the tiger" or "Eric the red".

I have always liked the name "Michael" for some reason and that is the name I would choose. I haven't rowed any boats ashore but if that job were available, I'd be one of the possible recipients. If I had a nickname, I like the name "Lefty". It wouldn't make much sense since I'm right-handed, but I've never heard of anyone nicknamed "Righty."

Life isn't always kind and some names don't seem to have been well thought out. The Harry Harrisons, Tommy Thompsons, Willie Williams and Johnnie Johnsons are all well aware of that fact. So, here's the deal my wily little journal readers, what would you name yourself if you couldn't have your current first name? Additionally, what would you choose as a nickname?

So let's hear it from DJ Johnny G, Linda the sultry Washington weather reporter, Rose the gorgeous wildflower, Jackie the sexy Alabama schoolmarm, Julie the alluring nurse, Joann the party girl, Paula the Texas Two Stepper, and the rest of you notorious journalists.

This Date In History: 1554; Princess Elizabeth, heir apparent to the throne in England, is imprisoned in the Tower of London for suspected complicity in Wyatt's Rebellion against her half sister, Mary I. 1922; Mohandas Gandhi, the leader of the Indian Home Rule movement, is sentenced to six years' imprisonment.

1962; After eight years of fighting, a ceasefire is signed between France and the Algerian Liberation Front to bring the Algerian War of Independence to an end. 1967; The Beatle's single "Penny Lane" reaches number one in the charts.

Picture Of The Day: It's just so easy to take pot shots at Bernie Madoff although AIG is certainly fighting for spots as a Cat's Ass Trophy Nominee. Nevertheless , I've got my pictoral cross hairs on "Bernie the lowlife" today and maybe we'll concentrate on the assholes at AIG on Friday.

Birthdays: Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th US president 1837, Rudolf Diesel, German engineer who invented the diesel engine 1858, Neville Chamberlain, British businessman and politician, British Prime Minister (1937-1940), known for his appeasement policy in the immediate pre-World War II period 1869, Wilfred Owen, English poet 1893, John Updike, American author 1932, Frederik Willem de Klerk, South African prime minister 1936.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My cat, Shithead, usually decides what time we get up each morning. 2) I believe that the most important thing a man can contribute to a relationship is to always be a gentleman. 3) I'm rarely intimidated by a woman...overwhelmed, yes, but rarely intimidated. 4) I detest loudmouths... they're usually belligerent and needy. 5) I'm not impressed that your kid's on the honor role, but I am impressed if he's wise enough to say please and thank you.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

A drunk sitting at the bar asks the bartender where the bathroom is and the bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right." All of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears a loud scream coming from the bathroom. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody hears another loud scream.

The bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about. He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk says, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something squeezes my balls!" The bartender looks in and says, "You idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!"

A man from Spain arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, peasant, I am French".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I'm not American, gringo, I'm Mexican."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, infidel, I am not an American!"

He finally sees another man and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" He says, "Yes, I am and proud of it!" So he is puzzled, and asks him, "Where are all the rest of the Americans?" The man looks at his watch and says, "Probably at work!"

That's it for today my little dixie cups. I'm off to AREA 51 for Hump Day festivities and I'll have more on Friday. Stay Tuned !