Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Kids Can't Be Cowboys Or Indians On Halloween?

In Colorado and some other states, schools have sent notices to students that Halloween outfits should not be cowboys, Indians, or genies. This from a state that just legalized the recreational use of marijuana. Yep, don't go as Roy Rogers, go as Barry Soetero, the pot smoking hippy that backed into the presidency.

Instead of going as Pocahontas, go as Jane Fonda, another airhead who went to Hanoi to rail about our Vietnam soldiers and America's role in the war from her warped perspective.

University of Colorado Boulder tells students to avoid costumes including cowboys, Indians, "white trash" or anything potentially deemed offensive. University students in America have been told not to wear "offensive" Halloween costumes including cowboys, Indians and anything involving a sombrero. Sombreros? Sexy! White Trash? Define that Boulder libtard idiots.

Students have also been told to avoid costumes and anything that portrays a particular culture as "over-sexualized" - which the university says includes dressing up as a geisha or a "squaw" (indigenous woman). They are also asked not to host parties with offensive themes including those with "ghetto" or "hillbilly" themes or those associated with "crime or sex work." Does that mean Obama, Clinton and Jimmy Carter are out?

Students at the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities have also been asked to make sure their Halloween costumes are politically correct. In a letter, officials said: "please keep in mind that certain Halloween costumes inappropriately perpetuate racial, cultural, and gender stereotypes."

Yeah, go as respectable citizens like Clinton and Lewinsky, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Ted Cruz, et al.

The News As I See It: Obama has been saying for years that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was grilled by Congress today, hemming and hawing her way for three hours without really saying anything. Don't worry, Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus.

A new report says more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

The White House said that one of the reasons the Obamacare website has had so many problems is because it's so popular that it was overwhelmed. Really? How come Psy's "Gangnam Style" video never had any problems? He got 2.5 billion hits!

The Obamacare website is not the only one crashing. The NSA website went offline Friday after suspected hackers broke into it. Hey, NSA, It’s not so much fun when people are sneaking into your computer, is it?

This Date In History: 1534; The English parliament passed the Act of Supremacy, making King Henry VIII head of the English church. 1938; Radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds, starring Orson Welles, caused nationwide panic among listeners.

1944; Martha Graham's ballet Appalachian Spring, with music by Aaron Copland, premiered. 1953; Gen. George C. Marshall won the Nobel Peace Prize for originating the Marshall Plan.

1974; Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of a 15-round bout in Kinshasa, Zaire ("Rumble in the jungle") to regain his world heavyweight title.

Picture Of The Day: Always remember to remind your mother-in-law not to text and fly.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If someone says they don't speak English, tell them their shoes are untied and see if they look down. 2) I told my friends, "I'm frying some fish for supper, so y'all come over and eat." What I meant was, "You're also gonna be helping me move my piano."  3) I'm worried my dog will never find out who's a good boy. 4) The teacher asked the kids to pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Three of the kids picked Internet Explorer 6. 5) Dogs lick each other's asses to tell each other they like them - just like politicians.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 30th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. This information may or may not affect your balance when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law.

Birthdays: John Adams U.S. president 1735, Alfred Sisley landscape painter 1839, Ezra Pound, American poet, critic and translator 1885, Ruth Gordon actress and playwright 1896, Fred W. Friendly broadcaster and author 1915, Louis Malle director 1932, Diego Maradona soccer player 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man went to a job interview. The Human Resources manager asked him, "What is your greatest weakness?" The man replied, "Honesty."

The Human Resources manager said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." The older man said, "I don't really give a shit what you think."

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contributions to today's stories.

A woman had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed. She went to a plastic surgeon and asks the doctor,  "I can't get rid of these bags, can you help me?"

The doctor told he is willing to try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes, she is to use the crank and the bags will go away.

She gets the crank put in her head and leaves. It works for a while until one day, she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can, but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor.

She says to the doctor, "This was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies, "Those aren't bags....those are your boobs." The woman replied, "I guess that explains this goatee."

A drunk left the bar and staggered off in to the night on his way home. As he was passing a pumpkin patch he thought, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and since there's no one around......." He picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his need.

In the process, he failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until a female officer approached him and said, "Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The drunk froze and was clearly very surprised that she was there. Then looked her straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? it midnight already?"

That's it for today, my little goblins. Remember, Halloween is tomorow. I love Halloween. You open the door and there are strangers in masks. Good idea. It's the only time of the year that I prefer opening the door to Jehovah's Witnesses. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 28, 2013

Look At Me - Please Look At Me

I enjoy sports, but I can't stand players who grandstand or mug for the camera. A football player catches a pass, gets up and runs around acting like he found the cure for cancer. A basketball makes a basket and runs around the court like a chicken with it's head cut off and talking trash. A baseball player hits a homer but has to stop and look at his accomplishment before he trots around the bases.

Most coaches wouldn't put up with any of that back in my time. You caught a pass? So what! That's what you're paid to do. Same thing with basketball and football. It's not a major accomplishment especially when you dropped four balls prior to your "big catch."

My cat has actually learned to say the word "asshole" from the number of times I've call these players "assholes". Sports has become a "me" world.....look at me, look what I did! These types of players are the same ones that went running to mommy to show her the results when they went for the first time to the bathroom by themselves.

If you make a big play or score on television, act like you've been there before. It's like the first time a child sees himself on video or television, the first reaction is monkey faces.

Nascar auto racing, in the past, was never like this. When a driver won a race, he was handed the checkered flag and took a victory lap around the track. Today, all of the young guns and Johnnys-come-lately have their spinning circle acts to celebrate the win.

No self respecting driver from the past ever did those monkey shines and even some of the current older drivers don't do it either. I guess that's just the difference between a man and a boy.

The News As I See It: NASA has successfully tested a broadband communications system that’s built into the lunar atmosphere explorer probe. It sends data to and from the moon at the rate of 622 megabits per second. To the moon and back in a second. In a related story, the Obamacare website is still down.

I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

The White House says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal.

A new report found that 700 IRS employees owe a combined $5.4 million in back taxes. When IRS workers got the news, they said, "Oh man, I hope I don't find out about this!"

A man in Oregon was arrested for growing marijuana after police used Google Earth to track him down. So if you're one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right.

This Date In History: 1793; Eli Whitney applied for a patent for the cotton gin. 1886; The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

1919;Congress passed the Volstead Act, or the National Prohibition Act, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto. 1922; Benito Mussolini took control of the government of Italy.

1940; Italy invaded Greece during World War II. 1958; A new pope was elected - Pope John XXIII. 1962; Nikita Khrushchev told the U.S. that he had ordered the dismantling of Soviet missile bases in Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: Have you ever had one of those days when you were pretty sure that it wouldn't turn out for the better....?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you. 2) My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them. 3) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was just the Mace. 4) Somewhere, a guitarist puts down his instrument, pours gas on it and lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1. 5) "To do is to be" (Descartes). "To be is to do" (Voltaire). "Do be do be do" (Frank Sinatra).....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 28th: Tomatoes can be your best friend - go Red for the day. * This horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz or the Communist Party. Being sexy and being sexist are not one and the same. Avoid low-level lighting this week and any power lines that you might have to pass under.

Birthdays: My friends Bobby (rest in peace), Lourdes and Maria - Happy Birthday 19XX, Eliphalet Remington, gun manufacturer 1793, Auguste Escoffier, authority on cooking 1846, Gilbert H. Grosvenor, editor 1875, Edith Head, fashion designer 1897, Evelyn Waugh, novelist 1903, Jonas Salk, American physician and microbiologist, inventor of the Salk Polio Vaccine 1914, Dennis Franz, actor 1944, Bill Gates, computer industry pioneer 1955, Julia Roberts, actress 1967, Brad Paisley, singer, Songwriter 1972, Joaquin Phoenix, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout, "Shit, missed." The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder; the priest could hold his tongue no longer.

The priest asked his friend "Don't swear like that or God will punish you." The builder apologized and the game continued. As soon as he missed another shot, the builder shouted, "Shit, missed" and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said, "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!" Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out, "Shit, missed."

Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead. Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob.

The teacher asked, "What is that?" The young artist replied, "The flea." The puzzled teacher asked, "What flea is that, dear?  The kid answered, "The one the Angel told Joseph to take."

Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was: Matthew 2:13 "......the angel of the Lord saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother and flee into Egypt..........."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: About 200 dead crows were found near Boston, Massachusetts and there was great concern about the possibility of "Avian Flu". They had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he did determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% were killed by impact with cars. The city then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine why there were such disproportionate percentages for "truck versus car" kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in very short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of any impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could easily say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck"!

The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" The old woman replied, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours."

The reporter asked,  "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your newspaper."

That's it for today, my little tiddly winks. Remember, the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Discretion is advised.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 25, 2013

Son Of A Glitch - No One Seems To Knows Anything

Why can't government officials be fired? Why are these idiots allowed to screw up royally, then deny or spin everything and keep their jobs? How can they refuse to resign? Half of the assholes running America are as useless as teats on a bull!

The "chosen one" is never aware of anything unless he "hears it on the news." Hey Barry, you're the one that is supposed to be running the country. If you don't know anything, then who the hell does? Maybe we'd be better off asking your pal, Valerie Jarret. After all, you have the same parental backgrounds and beliefs.

Hillary Clinton didn't know anything about Benghazi. Attorney General Eric Holder, who was found "in contempt of Congress" knew nothing about "Fast and Furious". IRS official Lois Lerner, refused to resign when asked and later "retired" prior to the shit hitting the proverbial fan. And of course Health and Human Services head Kathleen Sebelius, was oblivious to anything having to do with the Obamacare implementation fiasco and says she won't resign.

Add to that list, Jay Carney, the little White House press secretary and resident weasel, who never answers any valid question without a spin or misdirection and you have a government who isn't fit to run a banana republic, much less America.

The News As I See It: The Obamacare website has all these glitches and now tech experts are saying that the only way to fix it is to completely start over and redesign the whole website from scratch. What Obama should do is put the NSA in charge of the website. That way there’s nothing to fill out. They already have all our information. You just put your name in.

Consumer Reports is recommending that people sit back and wait a few weeks until the government fixes the problems. Really, a few weeks? We still have troops in Korea. The guys from the Geek Squad said, "Turn it off, wait five seconds and then plug it back in."

Marketing experts are comparing the Obamacare website rollout to a Ford Edsel filled with New Coke. But they're making progress. They said today that if you find yourself getting too frustrated trying to log on, they’ve added a link to a suicide hot line.

People have been speculating lately about what Obama will do when he leaves office in 2016. The one thing I think we can safely rule designer.

There's been speculation but now it's clear that Joe Biden will run for president in 2016. In an effort to appear presidential, today Biden launched a website that doesn't work.

The city of Detroit went before a judge to prove it is eligible for bankruptcy. All they did was walk into a Detroit courtroom and point out the window.

The number of Americans who will live to be 100 years or older will increase dramatically. In 2010 there were 53,000 centenarians in the United States and I'm pretty sure I have driven behind most of them.

Saudi Arabia is now threatening to sever diplomatic ties with the United States over Syria. I hope that doesn't cause them to do something drastic, you know, like overcharge us for oil.

This Date In History: 1400; Geoffrey Chaucer died in London. 1415; The Battle of Agincourt between England and France during the Hundred Years War took place.

1760; King George III of Britain was crowned. 1854; The Charge of the Light Brigade took place at Balaklava during the Crimean War. 1962; John Steinbeck was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature.

1971; The U.N. General Assembly voted to admit mainland China and expel Taiwan. 1983; The United States invaded the Caribbean nation of Grenada.

Picture Of The Day: 'Nuff said.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and ten million dollars. 2) My friend's kid is almost old enough for social media so he'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and their/there/they're and conjugating "To Be."  3) When I used to ski in Lake Tahoe, there was always an "apres ski" party somewhere. That's where I learned that when you're drinking, fall face down in the snow and spend a lot of time trying to get up, you make what is referred to as a "reverse snow angel." 4) When I see a flash mob in public, I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough. 5) I once dated a girl who I felt had ulterior motives. I'm not saying she a gold digger, but she had a helmet with a flashlight on it and a pick axe.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 25th: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, it is similarly likely that you will fall flat on your ass trying to achieve it. The best you can hope for will appear to you today in a day dream. This vision may appear to look like you, but it's not. Beware of the dreaded naked bus driver.

Birthdays: My friends Deborah and John - Happy Birthday 19XX, Johann Strauss, composer 1825, Georges Bizet, operatic composer 1838, Sarah Bernhard, actress 1844, Henry Norris Russell, astronomer 1877, Pablo Picasso, Spanish painter, sculptor, graphic artist, and ceramist, 1881, Richard E. Byrd, aviator and polar explorer 1888, John Berryman, poet and critic 1914, Bob Knight, basketball coach 1940, Anne Tyler, novelist 1941, Midori violinist, 1971, Ciara, singer 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At a cocktail party, the host asked the attractive blonde if she would like another drink. The blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

The host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it. After two drinks, anyone can!"

A priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

The priest asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection and a little boy raised his hand. The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny comes down for breakfast and since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores. Little Johnny replies, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Pissed off, Johnny goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

Johnny asks, "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" His mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

While taxiing at Atlanta Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Miami made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming, "U.S. Air 771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 771?" The humbled crew responded, "Yes, ma'am."

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, there are literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don't even know it. Today's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Do I Have A Deal For You !

The Obamacare enrolment fiasco continues. Barry says he's bringing in "the best and the brightest" to solve the problem. Uh, why didn't he bring in the best and the brightest in the first place? This is typical Washington. They only bring in the best and the brightest as a last resort.

Obama is urging Americans who are having trouble with the Obamacare website to sign up for healthcare by calling a 1-800 number. The number is 1-800-we-didn't-think-this-through. The call goes like this: "Hello and welcome to, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever."

Obie also said that if it’s taking too long you can bypass the website and enroll by mail. Only the federal government could come up with a website that’s slower than sending something by mail.

The News As I See It: A 25-year-old man in New York was arrested for trying to join al-Qaida. Here’s the amazing part: He said it was easier to join al-Qaida using their website than it was to sign up for Obamacare.

Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it's confusing because it's not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in.

The country’s unemployment rate went down to 7.2 percent last month, after 148,000 jobs were added. Of course all those people were hired to fix the Obamacare website.

This Date In History: 1915; 25,000 women marched in New York City, demanding the right to vote. 1946; The United Nations General Assembly convened in New York for the first time.

1973; President Richard Nixon agreed to turn White House tape recordings requested by the Watergate special prosecutor over to Judge John J. Sirica. 1983; A suicide truck-bombing at Beirut International airport in Lebanon killed 241 U.S. Marines and sailors.

2002; Chechen rebels seized a crowded Moscow theater, taking hundreds hostage. Russian forces stormed the building the next day. 2003; Madame Chiang Kai-shek died at age 105.

Picture Of The Day: No words necessary.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For the person who lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band, I've got good news. I found your rubber band. 2) From the length of this line, you'd think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor. 3) I went to Match dot com. It wasn't to meet women. I went to search for a mate for one of my socks. 4) Kids....because who doesn't enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?" 5) The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it's a Chinese product that's lasted more than a month.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 23rd: Half of what I say is meaningless, the other half is pure gold, purer than any snow that ever fell. Purer than the white cover on that classic Beatles' album. The trick here is to ascertain which half. Hell, flip a coin. That's what I usually do.....

Birthdays: Adlai Ewing Stevenson, Vice President 1835, John Heisman, football coach 1869, William D. Coolidge, inventor 1873, Gertrude Ederle, swimmer 1905, Johnny Carson, entertainer 1925, Pelé, Brazilian soccer player 1940, Michael Crichton, novelist 1942, Ang Lee, director, writer 1954, Dwight Yoakam, singer and actor 1956, Sam Raimi, filmmaker 1959, Ryan Reynolds, actor 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.

One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity.

The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first.

The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where Is God?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. Charlie asks, "So, how did it go, Harry?"

Harry said, "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."

Charlie tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" Harry said, "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."

On his way home from work, Murray stopped at a pharmacy to purchase a thermometer, When advised by the pharmacist that they were out of oral thermometers, Murray hesitantly purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Since Murray and never used one, he asked the pharmacist about the procedure.

The pharmacist said, "When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature, follow the instructions and you'll be fine."

With great reservation, Murray did as instructed, then carefully inserted the thermometer wincing as it slowly went in. After a the waiting period, Murray slowly removed the thermometer and read the temperature, which turned out to be normal.

As he sat in his chair, trying to calm down and relax, he noticed that on the literature, in small print, there was a statement that read: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested." Murray leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes and said aloud, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don't finish something, it's really not the end of the world. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 21, 2013

Can't Get Through To Obamacare? Call 1-800 Bite Me !

Barry Obama gave a news conference this morning hawking the virtues of Obamacare. It reminded me of the Sham Wow commercial except that "Vince" wasn't the was Barry. The event had the feeling of a health care pep rally, with guests in the Rose Garden applauding every breath Obama took as he explained what the White House sees as benefits of the law.

No mention of the cost of the web site (a reported $325 million) nor a reason why the roll out wasn't successful after knowing about it for three years.

Obama said there was "no excuse" for the cascade of computer problems that have marred the roll out of key elements in his health care law, but declared he was confident the administration would be able to fix the issues.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, which oversaw development of the site, declined to make any of its IT experts available for interviews. CGI Group Inc, the Canadian contractor that built, is "declining to comment at this time."

Five outside technology experts interviewed by Reuters, however, say they believe flaws in system architecture, not traffic alone, contributed to the problems.

Kathleen Sebelius, the Secretary of Health and Human Services, although having time for an appearance on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, has had no comment thus far.

Sebelius will not testify at a congressional hearing Thursday into breakdowns in the roll out of the federal Affordable Care Act, drawing more heat from House Republicans. An HHS official confirmed Saturday that the secretary would not attend, citing a conflict in her schedule, but she'll be facing Congress in the coming days.

The News As I See It: The government shutdown is finally over, and it's safe to say it accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, maybe not nothing. It was great for comedy.

Scientists indicate that Oreo cookies are the most addictive snack in the world. That's how scientists are spending our scientific dollars — nothing on cancer yet, but Oreo cookies are the most addictive snack. If you get addicted to Oreo cookies, you don't go to Betty Ford. You go to Betty Crocker.

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, the two biggest Hollywood tough guys (of 1988) have an action movie opening. They're a little older now but go see the movie. It's called "Escape From Assisted Living." I'm kidding, it's called "Escape Plan" and hopefully, it has subtitles.

This Date In History: 1797; The navy frigate U.S. Constitution, known as "Old Ironsides," was launched in Boston Harbor. 1805; Admiral Horatio Nelson died in the Battle of Trafalgar.

1837; Seminole chief Osceola was captured as he carried a white flag of truce during the Second Seminole War. 1879; Thomas Edison invented a workable incandescent electric lamp.

1959; The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum of modern and contemporary art, designed by architect Frank Lloyd Wright, opened to the public in New York City.

Picture Of The Day: The peace and serenity of a waterfall. One of my favorites.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don't know them and they don't know that we're sharing. 2) I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost mom in a corn maze. 3) If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tonight at Barnes and Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security. 4) Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange. 5) My father once told me: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're either a lawyer or a politician.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 21st: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. You think I made that up, don't you? I work my fingers to the bone looking for old sayings and reading the stars and this is the thanks I get? That's it! No soup for you!!!! 

Birthdays: Samuel Taylor Coleridge, poet 1772, Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist and inventor 1833, Dizzy Gillespie, musician 1917, Celia Cruz, singer 1925, Ursula K. Le Guin, writer 1929, Benjamin Netanyahu, Israeli political leader 1949, Carrie Fisher, actress 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It just died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

The blonde says, "So, what's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Michele Obama and Oprah Winfrey were having one of those girl-to-girl talks. Michele says to Oprah, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Barry and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Oprah responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (politically correct for "fat and ugly") doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Michele asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?" Oprah said, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can."

That night, Barry was already in bed with the lights out when Michele headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her gas all day and was ready for him. She tensed up her ass and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Barry rolls over and asks, "That you, Oprah?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Harry did like he always did every evening. He kissed his wife, crawled into bed and went to sleep. All of a sudden, he woke up and saw an elderly man dressed in a robe standing in front of his bed.

He asked, "What are you doing in my bedroom? Who are you?" The man replied, "This is not your bedroom. I am St. Peter and you are in heaven." Harry cried out, "What? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die, I'm too young. If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

St. Peter said, "It's not that easy. You can only return as a dog or a hen. You'll have to choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while and figured out that being a dog is too tiring and that a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought. Harry said, "I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself on a chicken farm and nicely feathered. But now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came a rooster, who said, "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm. How does it feel being a hen?"

Harry replied, "Well, it's ok I guess, but I feel like my rear end is blowing up." The rooster said,  "Oh, that. That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?" Harry said, "No, how do I do that?" The rooster said, "Cluck twice and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice and pushed with all his might and then "plop" and a egg was on the ground. Harry said, "Wow! That feels much better!" So he clucked again, squeezed and sure enough there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Harry! Wake up. You're shitting all over the bed!"

A blonde was flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. Frantically, she calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

The blonde says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." The voice on the radio says, "Okay, repeat after me: Our Father Who are in Heaven….”

That's it for today, my little sugar plums. Remember, if your wife or girlfriend says that she wants to make a sex movie, do not suggest that auditions be held for her part.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !