Monday, January 31, 2011

I Can't Button My Damned Jeans !

I usually control my weight by exercising daily, but I am painfully coming to a new conclusion. I can no longer eat anything I want, any time I want. This has always been my life style. I was putting on my jeans this morning and they were way too tight. I immediately took them off and headed to the closet assuming I mistakenly put on a smaller pair of jeans that I wear If I lose a few pounds.

To my chagrin, they were the right jeans. The problem is that it kills me to button them. Even so, using the old "lie down on the bed" trick (that I learned from my ex-wife) to accomplish the feat, the term "muffin top" immediately comes to mind. I've always used my own "why don't you lie down on the bed?" trick many times in the past, but that's a different type of trick and now it has taken on a whole new meaning.

In my defense, I did injure my ankle last week and it has been hurting so much that I haven't exercised in ten days. Nevertheless, methinks the days of cold pizza at 5:00 am after a night of bar hopping and partying may have to be curtailed until I can locate my 2010 body. Drat !

The News As I See It: President Obozo recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the military. No more don't ask don't tell! But what has he really done, is cause more confusion in the ranks. This is what now can happen. So for the moment, imagine you're in a combat situation; the enemy is firing at you and running toward your position. The guy next to you is openly gay, when someone yells out, "Shoot the c**ksucker!" Can you see the confusion?

Have you noticed that, with the extreme snow storms roaring across America, you can't tell who the homeless people are. Everybody in the street is wearing two coats, five sweaters, gloves, ear muffs and two hats. Of course, winter means you break out last year's coat which....reminds you of last winter. The first thing you do is put your hands in the pockets and you realize that you didn't have any money last year either. You did, however, have a need for Chapstick and you find the receipt for a rash ointment that required a prescription....but I digress.

This Date In History: 1606; Guy Fawkes, a co-conspirator in the Gunpowder Plot, was executed. 1865; Robert E. Lee was appointed commander-in-chief of the Confederate forces. 1865; The House of Representatives approved the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which abolished slavery in the United States.

1940; The first social security check was issued to Ida Fuller for $22.54. 1958; The first U.S. earth satellite, Explorer I, was launched. 1990; The first McDonald's opened in Russia.

Picture Of The Day: A photoshop picture of Hillary O'Clinton and her stand on the tensions and turmoil in Egypt. There are all these protests going on in Egypt. I don’t know what they’re about, but it might have something to do with elections. Or, that the streets in Cairo are so overcrowded there’s not enough room to "walk like an Egyptian."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a postcard from a blonde girlfriend of mine. It said, "Having a good time. Where am I?" 2) A man got caught cheating on his wife with his blonde secretary. She found lipstick on his collar, covered with White-Out. 3) A blonde was worried that her mechanic might try to rip her off. She was relieved when he told her all she needed was turn-signal fluid. 4) AOL reminds me of an old blonds girlfriend. Just when I think the connection has been established, it suddenly says, "Goodbye." 5) My blonde lady friend thinks an "innuendo" is an Italian suppository......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: If I take the Ginko, I might be able to remember where I put the Viagra......

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - January 31st: The computer you are trying to access has forbidden you entry as it deems your horoscope too scary. Many of the people you admire are going to have incredible fortune this week. It turns out that the anti-stalking court orders they've filed against you are completed.

Birthdays: My pals Lisa and Tressa. Happy Birthday ladies 19XX, Franz Schubert, Austrian composor 1797, Zane Grey, author 1872 Tallulah Bankhead. actress 1902, John O'Hara, novelist and short-story writer 1905, Thomas Merton, religious writer and poet 1915, Jackie Robinson, baseball player 1919, Carol Channing, comedienne, singer 1921, Norman Mailer, writer 1923, Minnie Driver, actress 1970, Justin Timberlake, pop musician 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man goes into Border's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "Yeah that's the one, I'll take a copy please.

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?

A man went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for his annual checkup. She told him that he had to quit masturbating. He asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

A young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asks, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard and I don't smoke or drink." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes." Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face.The father realizes the boy has aspirated the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter. She then gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants. She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replies, "No, divorce attorney."

Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that."

That's it for today my little butter beans. Remember, eat your spinach and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.You'll also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyl. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, January 28, 2011

Ski Tales

I've been involved in same crazy things in my life and last evening I recalled my skiing vacation sometime in the mid 1980's. I owned a corporation whose sole purpose was to set up ski vacations for a select group nicknamed the "Hialeah Ski Group", about 60 people.

The trip was for ten days, three days in San Francisco and seven days in at Heavenly Valley in Lake Tahoe, Nevada. In San Francisco, we stayed at the Sheraton near Fisherman's Wharf and in Lake Tahoe, we stayed at Caesar's Palace. Some parts of the trip cannot be printed as I'm still unsure about the Statute of Limitations, but I will relate a story of interest.

After touring Fisherman's Wharf and Alcatraz, we went to dinner at the restaurant at the Sheraton and music was provided by a very talented piano player. After finishing his "set", the piano player took his break and I asked him if he minded if I "tinkled around" with the piano. He said, "Go for it."

Unannounced, I sat at the piano and began to play some of my favorite songs. The "unofficial" leader of the group, my pal Ron, decided this was neat and he joined me at the piano. We began singing (no microphones) and all of our ski group joined in. The other patrons of the restaurant joined in on the fun and we did about thirty minutes before we quit.

As the piano player came to sit down, I realized that he had been back from his break for some twenty minutes, but things were going so well, that he just laid back and enjoyed it. Of course, the third singer, besides Ron and myself, was our old pal Johnnie Walker Black and we made quite the trio.

As were were leaving the stage, a young lass came over and asked what time we played again and I didn't have the heart to tell the truth, so we just said we were finished for the evening. Technically, it was the truth as our pal Johnnie had taken over anyway. I apologized profusely to the piano player for eating into his time and he smiled and pointed to his tip jar. It contained over two hundred dollars and his parting remarks were, "You boys can stop by anytime." It was a great night.....

The News As I See It: The Illinois Supreme Court ruled that Rahm Emanuel can run for mayor of Chicago. The law in Chicago is very clear: Dead people can vote and live people can run.

Vice President Joe O'Biden called President O'Bozo's State of the Union address a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker. O'Bozo promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he's just being overly sensitive about his ears.

Egypt is in the midst of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Yeah, because nothing calms an enraged Arab like a powerful woman ordering it around. Meanwhile, the terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon and opponents have declared a "Day of Rage" or as it's known in the Middle East.....Friday.

A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: "Cover Your Facebook."

This Date In History: 1547; King Henry VIII of England died and his nine-year-old son, Edward VI, assumed the throne. 1915; Congress passed legislation creating the U.S. Coast Guard. 1916; The first Jewish Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, Louis Brandeis, was appointed.

1986; U.S. shuttle Challenger exploded 72 seconds after lift off, killing all seven crew members aboard, including school teacher Christa McAuliffe. 1999; The creation of Element 114 is announced by scientists. 2003; In his second State of the Union Address, President Bush presents case for war with Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Beautiful Lake Tahoe, Nevada and the Golden Gate Bridge are a few of today's pics along with a picture Jimmy Buffett and a picture of some of the Hialeah Ski Group taken at Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? 2) They have a luggage store in the airport...a place to buy a piece of luggage. How late do you have to be for a flight where you think, "Screw it - just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport." 3) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. 4) If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, let the dog in first. He'll shut up once you let him in. 5) Years ago, my fiance ran off with my dog. I sure do miss that dog!......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - January 28th: Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is fair game today. Enjoy yourself and try not to go too wild. Having to stop today and go to sleep will seem like a prison sentence. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it. The moral of this horoscope is expect a gift horse, so bring mouthwash.

Birthdays: Sir Henry Morton Stanley, explorer 1841, William Seward Burroughs, inventor 1857, Colette, novelist 1873, Arthur Rubinstein, concert pianist 1887, John Banner, actor 1910, Roger Vadim, filmmaker 1928, Alan Alda, actor 1936, Sarah McLachlan, singer, songwriter 1968, Elijah Wood, actor 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. She asks, "What happened?" He says, "I've never been with a woman, but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" The man says, "Somersaults." The friend says, "Somersaults? That's incredible. How many does he do?" The man answers, "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!" The farmer says, "What do you mean? Are they wallowing in the mud?" She says, "No, they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

A neighbor came home with a birdhouse one day. I kidded him, asking how many birds could afford deluxe accommodations in our suburban neighborhood. He replied, "Leave that to me." Soon that birdhouse was dangling from a tree with a neat sign that read: "Room for wren--cheep."

That's it for today my little glow worms. Remember, be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Jimmy Buffett Blew Out His Flip Flop In Australia

Singer-songwriter Jimmy Buffett fell off a concert stage during a show in Sydney, Australia, Wednesday, according to his manager and a hospital spokeswoman. The doctors say he is doing well and will be released tomorrow.

Buffett, 64, was listed in stable condition at Sydney's St. Vincent's Hospital. Australia's Daily Telegraph newspaper quotes witnesses saying Buffett fell from the Hordern Pavilion stage after singing, "It's been a lovely cruise, I'm sorry it's ended." Jimmy Buffett and his Coral Reefer Band have performed several sold-out shows in Sydney over the past week.

I can identify with Buffett's unfortunate fall as I too have done a one-and-a-half off the stage, as well. And wasn't cause by alcohol. I just took for the proverbial step that wasn't there and fell on my ass. Bottom line, I wasn't injured and fortunately, it was the end of the song anyway and I just went to the bar and ordered a scotch.

The News As I See It: In the State of the Union address last night, President Obozo focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan.

Three Supreme Court justices, Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas, did not attend the State of the Union address. Taking their place was Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson.

A Chicago court ruled that former presidential advisor Rahm Emanuel can’t run for mayor in Chicago. But according to Chicago law, Emanuel can still purchase the position.

Vice President Joe O'Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty.

Chinese President (Who) Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President O'Bozo is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage.

Okra Winfrey announced that she has found her half sister, who was given up for adoption as a child. Then, so no one would feel left out, Okra gave everyone in the audience their own half sister.

This Date In History: 1788; The first European settlers landed in Sydney, Australia. 1802; Congress passed an act calling for establishment of a library within the US Capitol. 1837; Michigan became the 26th state in the United States.

1950; India, three years after gaining its independence from the United Kingdom, formally became a republic. 1979; Former Vice President Nelson Rockefeller died in New York at age 70. 1988; Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera opened on Broadway. It would go on to become the longest-running Broadway show.

1993; Vaclav Havel was elected president of the new Czech Republic. 2001; A magnitude 7.7 earthquake rocked the Indian state of Gujarat, killing more than 20,000 people. 2004; President Hamid Karzai signed the new constitution of Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: Animal pictures, some meaningless, some that require reading between the lines.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 2) Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. 3) Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas and ticks are interested in dogs. 4) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. 5) Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. ......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius January 26th: Every reason you have for doing what you did, is sound. Be grateful that you have a good network of friends and family who can hide you. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today. Any satisfaction you had about not having a police record, may be undone today. Your prejudices may lead you astray today and leave you requiring four or five stitches.

Birthdays: Charles XIV, king of Sweden and Norway 1763, Douglas MacArthur, American General 1880, Bessie Coleman, aviator 1893, Paul Newman, actor 1925, Jules Feiffer, cartoonist and writer 1927, David Strathairn, actor 1949, Ellen DeGeneres, comedienne, actress 1958, Wayne Gretzky, hockey player 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said, "And what does that tell you?"

Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes said, "Somebody stole our tent."

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it.

He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." Mike says, "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money. There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

A woman is taking a bath when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. Without a towel, she says through the door, "Who is it?" A male voice asks, "Can I come in? It's the blind man."

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway". The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"

That's it for today my little Petunias. Remember, regular naps prevent old age...especially if you take them while driving. It's Hump Day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, January 24, 2011

You Want Fries With That ?

There's talk about discontinuing teaching cursive in schools. Are you kidding me? I'd be happy if students could even print and spell correctly. Of course, this assumes that the students have the ability to read, as well.

Perhaps one of the manufacturers in the multi-billion dollar video game industry could make a program that would incorporate reading, writing and math into a video game that students would enjoy and could learn, as well.

In the age of computers, teaching the use of cursive writing in schools has become something of a controversy and understandably, a bit archaic to be useful. I guess that, for the masses, basic abilities are important to be able to function in society. In that vein, I agree with the concept to discontinue cursive.

For the more inquisitive, cursive writing along with all of the arts are very interesting and useful. The difference and consequences might be determined by which side of the McDonald's counter you stand behind. You want fries with that?

The State of the Union address is tomorrow night. The yearly dog and pony show should be interesting as many Congress members will be sitting with their counterparts in a theoretical show of softening the political rhetoric between parties. The fake standing ovations every time Obozo farts may leave many people standing individually as their counterparts sit.

You get bet your ass that it will be a speech of generalities and there will be no specifics as to cutting spending, medicare or any thing else that's important. Get a bag of popcorn and enjoy the show. Maybe Obozo will explain why he lied about televising everything on C-Span.....

The News As I See It: While in Washington, Chinese President Hu Jintao met with members of Congress. It was very festive as the leader of Red China met with our orange speaker of the House. in Chicago, President Hu met with Cubs fans. Apparently, he wanted to see some Americans who have suffered more human rights violations than his own people. Even though President Hu was only in Chicago for two days, by the Rahm Emanuel standard, he was able to establish residency and can now run for mayor of Chicago.

Ivanka Trump, the beautiful daughter of Donald Trump, has announced that she's pregnant. She doesn't care whether it's a boy or a girl, as long as it doesn't have Donald Trump’s hair.

A new study shows that taxicabs in New York City are harder to find during rush hour. Really? Also, bar stools are harder to find during happy hour. These studies were conducted by the "American Council of Stuff We Already Know."

This Date In History: 41; Roman emperor, Gaius Caesar, better known as Caligula (meaning Little Boot—he used to wear military boots as a child), was murdered. 1848; Gold was first discovered in California, in Sutter's mill. When President Polk announced the news in December, the gold rush began. 1908; Robert Baden-Powell organized the first Boy Scout troop in England.

1943; The Casablanca Conference with Franklin D. Roosevelt and Winston Churchill concluded. 1965; Winston Churchill died in London at age 90. 1972; Japanese soldier Shoichi Yokoi was discovered in Guam, having spent 28 years hiding in the jungle thinking World War II was still going on.

1986; Voyager Two space probe passes within 51,000 miles of Uranus. 1993; The first African-American to sit on the Supreme Court, Thurgood Marshall, died. 2003; The Department of Homeland Security, under Tom Ridge, became a cabinet department.

Picture Of The Day: Chinese take out may be the new rage especially if the United States continues to borrow from China unstead of cutting spending.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 2) I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 3) It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. 4) Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away. 5) I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my scotch glass.......and that's five.....!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - January 24th: Waiting for important email will take precedent over waiting for junk mail for the first time today. The most erotic thoughts are those brought on by bubbles in your spinal fluid. Be warned the some lazy-boy reclining chairs can become dangerous if soaked in lime juice. Seek advice from someone older today in order to avoid making a fool of yourself.

Birthdays: My pal TerryAnn. Happy birthday girl ! 19XX, Frederick the Great, Prussian King 1712, Robert Motherwell, artist 1915, Ernest Borgnine, actor 1917, Maria Tallchief, ballerina 1925, Neil Diamond, singer, songwriter 1941,
Aaron Neville, singer 1941, Warren Zevon, singer, songwriter 1947, John Belushi, actor, comedian 1949, Mary Lou Retton, gymnast 1968, Matthew Lillard, actor 1970, Mischa Barton, actress, model

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. Monica says, "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" The genie says, "No, you have been very bad recently, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

Monica says, "Let's see. I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. But, I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed." Poof! And just like that her ears were gone.

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie flies out and grants him a wish. Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had accidentally run over the Queen's favorite dog and squashed it flat. He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset.

The genie examines the dog which is splattered all over the drive and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do so he'd best chuck the dog in the garbage. Charles then asks the genie if he could make Camilla Parker-Bowles beautiful as the media were always making fun of her looks.

The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says "On second thought, go get that dog out of the garbage!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Dutch and Pat from the U.K., for their contributions to today's stories.

Peter was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, Peter leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until Peter took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, Peter brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - a warm and gentle breeze and a perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, "Can you take the dog for a walk?"

A man was in a bar and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin lighter such as the first man had never seen before. The first man asked the second man where he got it. The second man said, "There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish."

The first man found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, "I will grant you one wish." The man thinks for a while and says, "I want one million bucks." The genie says, "It is done. Go home and in one hour go look out of your window into your front yard." After an hour, the man looked outside and all he saw was ducks everywhere. The man was irate.

He went back to the bar and said to the man with the lighter, "I am so disgusted. I found the genie, but instead of one million bucks, that genie gave me one million ducks. The other man said, "You think you're disgusted. Do you honestly think I asked that genie for a nine-inch BIC?"

That's it for today my little Cauli Flowers. Remember, always proofread your work carefully to see if you any words out. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, January 21, 2011

Jeff Gordon Fires Pit Crew?

In NASCAR, Jeff Gordon announced yesterday that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Detroit youths.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Detroit were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 8 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 12 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 8 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

The News As I See It: The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu. President Obozo wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes. Hu’s advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he’s staying has no Chinese drywall.

Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. The doctors discovered the problem during Cheney’s annual autopsy. On the other hand, George W. Bush is still waiting on his brain transplant.

The Feds arrested 127 mobsters in three states. Of all of those men, four of them were not named Vinnie. The prosecutors say that the highest-level mobster arrested is known as "The Old Man." They call him that because he makes an offer he can’t remember.

This Date In History: 1793; King Louis XVI was guillotined for treason. 1915;
The first Kiwanis Club was founded in Detroit. 1924 Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died in Moscow. 1950; George Orwell died in London. 1950; Former State department official Alger Hiss found guilty of perjury.

1954; USS Nautilus, the first nuclear-powered submarine was launched. 1977; President Carter pardoned most Vietnam War draft evaders. 2003; The U.S. Census Bureau reported that Hispanics had surpassed Blacks as the largest minority group.

Picture Of The Day: Dolly Parton turned 65 this week and her doctors have given her a clean bill of health. She looks pretty healthy to me ~

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason there is no Disneyland in China is that no one's tall enough to go on the good rides. 2) I wonder what people in China call their good plates? 3) A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it. 4) Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 5) One in five people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or it could be my younger brother Kirt. Or, it could be my sister Sun-Lee-Chu. But I think it's Kirt.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - January 21: Cups of coffee will start to rack up around your desk today as you try to get everything done under the heavy influence of a bucket of caffeine. You may start to question evolution today, and upon doing so you'll hopefully encounter a reason for your deserving the Darwin award. Lunchtime is the best time of day for you today. Avoid low-level lighting this week, and any power lines that you might have to pass under on the way to work. Dead clowns will try to follow you home.

Birthdays: My pal Vivian. Happy Birthday girl 19XX, Ethan Allen, soldier 1738, John C. Fremont, explorer, soldier, and political leader 1813, Stonewall Jackson (Thomas Jonathan Jackson), American Confederate General 1824, Sophia Jex-Blake, physician 1840, Christian Dior, fashion designer 1905, Telly Savalas, actor 1924, Jack Nicklaus, golfer 1940, Placido Domingo, tenor 1941, Geena Davis, actress 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The 5-year-old said, "Hit him again. He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. The little girl asked, "What are they doing, Grandma?" he grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his front paw and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

The little girl said, "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" Her Grandma said, "How do you mean?" The little girl said, "Offer someone a helping hand and they screw you every time!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. She said, "Look, I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!" Then he got a little panicky. He thought, "I don't remember her but maybe, during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!"

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" She said with a horrified look, "No, I'm your son's second grade teacher."

A little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

That's it for today my little cupcakes. Remember, "Always" and "never" are two words you should always remember never to use. What? I think I'm going to the Karaoke show tonight in AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !