Wednesday, September 30, 2009

"You've Got Mail.....Oops, I Mean you've Got Spam !"

Did you ever wonder just who in hell is responsible for the daily email you receive? It doesn't really matter what email you happen to use, you still get the daily stream of Nigerian scammers trying to bilk you out of your money. The only fortunate thing about the Nigerians is that they're rather stupid and the majority of the spam you receive is easily recognized and deleted.

The strange thing about emailing is that these same scammers get through all the safety barriers every day. Yet there are times that when I send out email, it comes back from our good friend daemon-mailer giving me a number of undecipherable reasons why my email could not be delivered. Maybe the name of that unknown email entity should be Demon-Mailer. Personally, I think it just depends on how your luck runs.

In the United States mail, if you're lucky, your letter carrier is almost like a member of the family and all of your mail is delivered promptly and neatly. On the other hand, if your letter carrier is like the last one I had, you could be in big trouble. Imagine, if you will, the Hunchback of Notre Dame cramming all of your mail into the mail box in the same manner that a bull would stroll about in a china shop. Fortunately for me, Igor is no longer delivering my mail and the new letter carrier is super efficient and pleasant. But, I digress....

The responsible party(ies) for delivering email should expose Demon-Mailer for the true sadist that he is and put some responsible party in charge of weeding out the Nigerian scumbags and other scammers who ably find their way into my daily email.

In The News: Muammar Khadafi was interviewed on the Larry King show the other evening. Aside from the normal ramblings of the 67 year old dictator, I couldn't help but notice his jet black hair and face so tight from cosmetic surgery that even Joan Rivers would be jealous. Roman Polanski was recently arrested in Switzerland on charges of drugging and raping of a 13-year-old girl in 1977. Letters of protest have emerged from many people including Woody Allen. If I was Polanski, the last guy I'd want help from would be Woody Allen, who had an affair with his 14 year-old step-daughter Soon-Yi Previn and then married her.

The Joy Behar Show premiered last evening and I watched most of it. I was curious if Behar, the ofttimes rude, liberal panelist on "The View," would handle herself any better going solo. Behar, a former stand-up comedian, can be amusing when she sticks to comedy, but her rude interruptions on the view can be a bit irritating at times.

Bay Buchanan and Jeanine Garafalo, paired in a discussion with Behar about today's politics, were the perfect example of oil and water. Buchanan railed on about the tea party protesters being picked on by the left wingers and Garaofalo, a paranoid, either ranted obsessively (ad nauseum) or just muttered under her breath. You know things are getting tense when Behar, who normally feels at home stirring up controversy, politely tried to keep things in check.

The only memorable moment of the evening was the appearance of the Devine Miss M, Bette Midler, who looked fantastic. All in all, I wasn't overly impressed with the show and we'll see what happens in the coming days.

This Date In History: 1791; Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart conducts the premiere of his singspeil The Magic Flute, just over two months before his death. 1927; Outfielder Babe Ruth of the New York Yankees hits his 60th home run of the season, breaking his own record and setting a mark that would last until 1961. 1946; Following World War II, the International Military Tribunal in Nuremberg, Germany, sentences 11 leaders of Nazi Germany, including Hermann Göring, to death for crimes during the war.

1949; The Berlin airlift, caused by the Soviet blockade of overland traffic to West Berlin, ends after more than 277,000 flights from Western nations, which supplied the city with food and fuel for nearly 11 months. 1955; Actor James Dean dies at the age of 24 in an automobile accident in California, having starred in only three motion pictures.

2007; Needing some additional filler for "This Date In History," the author of Jimmy's Journal began adding fabricating some additional stories with the thinking that no one reads that part anyway. Additionally, cryptic and blatant messages began appearing at the same time, the first message referring to that mysterious someone known only as "My Perfect Martini."

Picture Of The Day: Google has been photo shopped and here's some of the best of the pictures. It was my sole intent to feature more of the Google pictures, but I ran across a few ladies with photo shopped tattoos and my libido overruled my brain. Reese Witherspoon never looked better.... Author's Note (7:05 pm): My pal, Rose, found the first "one". Has anyone found the "others?" That's Cameron Diaz.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Obama's going to Copehagen to push for the 2016 Olympics for Chicago. Hmmm.., where would it be more fun to go, Rio de Janeiro, Tokyo or Chicago? 2) My buddy told his doctor that he broke his leg in two places. The doctor told him to quit going to those places 3) Rectitude is defined as the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists and a Pokemon is a Rastafarian proctologist. 4) I've noticed since everyone has video capabilities on their cell phones these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 5) The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My twin pals Jennifer and Jessica 19XX, my pal Anne 19XX, and my pal, Deena 19XX, Happy Birthday ladies ! Robert Clive, "Clive of India" 1725, Jacques Necker, financier and statesman 1732, Park Chung Hee, South Korean president 1917, Truman Capote, writer 1924, Elie Wiesel, Romanian-born American author 1928, Silvio Berlusconi, Italian politician 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. Aunt Cora sighed, "It's terrible, I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. Aunt Cora said, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Cora replied, "Of course I do. I take a magazine and a cup of coffee."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" The old man said loudly "There's something wrong with my penis!" The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." The old man said, "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you."

The receptionist said, "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" The old man said, "There's something wrong with my ear!"The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. She said, "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" The old man said loudly, "I can't piss out of it !"

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman. His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. Hank politely asked, "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief, but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

The man explained, "It's for my mother-in-law. My Doberman here killed her." Hank said, "Gee, that's terrible. Hmmm...., is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?" The man pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line!"

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. He asks her, "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? His mother explained, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? His mother replied, "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

He then asked, "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? His mother said, "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived" The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why do you ask?"

That's it for today my little moon pies. Remember, he who laughs last didn't get it. It's Hump Day and an excellent reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour! More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, September 28, 2009

"Think With Your Dipstick, Jimmy !"

What...? I was in the kitchen and I heard someone say, "You're thinking with your dipstick, Jimmy." I thought, "Lord, I must be having a stroke and my youth is passing before my eyes." Either that or someone believes those nasty rumors that were spread when I was a younger man. As Yankee baseball great Yogi Berra once said, "it's like de javu all over again."

As it turned out, the phrase is part of a commercial for Castrol Edge, a motor oil. The dipstick is the instrument that measures the oil level of the engine. Double entendre notwithstanding, I had to laugh because of all the names they could have chosen, "Jimmy" was their choice. The name "Michael" has been the number one chosen name for newborn males for years, yet they chose the name, "Jimmy." There oughta be a law....

In the interim and continuing with the thought, it dawned on me that "Jimmy" may occasionally think with his dipstick, but there are others, evidently without a dipstick, who could benefit by this line of reasoning. Witness the blonde who went to the auto parts store....

A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine, I need a seven-ten cap for my car." The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I've never heard of such a thing?" The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don't think just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!"

Perplexed, the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs. The blonde drew a circle and wrote the number 710 on the inside of the circle. The parts man looked at the drawing, smiled, and slowly turned the number upside down. It read "OIL"

At least two times last week, I heard prominent news anchors make off the cuff remarks about one's intestinal fortitude describing same as the Spanish word, "Cajones", (pronounced kah-hoe-nees). One of the primary laws in attempting to use foul language in an idiom that you are not fluent in is to at least understand the meaning, use, pronunciation and....., oh yeah, the spelling.

Cajones are literally "drawers," id est (that is) as in desk or dresser drawers. It also means "boxes." The word they were attempting to use is "cojones", (pronounced koh-hoe-nees), a crude term used to describe courage but literally meaning testicles ("balls", for the hard of understanding). So, in essence, what the learned news anchors said was, "He has a big set of (dresser) drawers" or "He has a big set of boxes."

Prez Obama is going to Copenhagen to personally woo the vote of the International Olympic Committee to hold the 2016 Olympics in the city of Chicago. Right !... that's all we need to enhance the world's view of America. Yeah, hold it in Chicago, the most crime ridden and scandalous city in the United States. That will give the thugs enough time to make the necessary preparations for mugging, robbing and killing the many unsuspecting Olympic visitors.

This Date In History: 1066; The Norman conquest of England begins, as an army led by William the Conqueror lands at Pevensey, England. William will be crowned king of England by the year's end. 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo became the first European to set foot on what is now California. Cabrillo chose not to stay in California citing the fact that there were just too many Mexicans. 1864; The First International, a revolutionary workers' group, meets for the first time in London, with political theorist Karl Marx in attendance.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Caterpallor is defined as the color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. 2) People are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to management is knowing which mules are which. 3) Ladies, the next time Bozo says, "So, ya wanna go back to my place?", tell him, "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

4) If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. 5) I don't see why everyone's upset about Gadhafi living in a tent. After residents complained, he had to dismantle the tent he had in New York. Say what you want about Gadhafi, but I sure wish my ex-mother-in-law would have stayed in a tent on the front lawn when she came to visit.....and that's five !

Picture Of The Day: Word has it that not everyone thinks with their dipstick as witnessed by this billboard. The thinking could be a bit more refined however if they motel location was only $10 in gas away in distance. Remember, motel spelled backwards is "Letom."

Birthdays: Friedrich Engels, German revolutionary political economist and co-founder, with Karl Marx, of scientific socialism, now known as Communism 1820, Frances Willard, reformer 1839, Georges Clemenceau, French politician 1842, Stephen Spender, poet 1909, Marcello Mastroianni, film actor 1923, Brigitte Bardot, film actor 1934.

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?'' Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, ''The doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy. The farmer said, "Oh, shit! You've shot the wife!"

A woman wanted a face lift and her surgeon told her about a new procedure, "We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob." The woman says, "That sounds good." Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes." The surgeon replies, I'm sorry, but those aren't bags. Those are your tits." The woman says, "Well, that explains the goatee."

The Center for Disease Control has warned that although the Swine Flu is prevalent, the Bird Flu is rampant as well. Symptoms of Bird Flu are: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

That's it for today my little bottle caps. Remember, Intaxicaton is defined as euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, September 25, 2009

Am I The Only One Who Talks Back To The Television ?

I talk to my television set. I have to... I can't help it. It just seems like every time I'm sitting in my recliner, having a Budweiser and watching television, some idiot comes on to do some stupid, irritating commercial. I don't really expect an Oscar winning performance, but lately, any moron who can read a teleprompter can be on television. Some, like the recently departed Billy Mays and Shamwow Vince, are like the Energizer bunny. The just keep going and going and nauseum.....

Scenario: Billy Mays comes on the screen in a commercial for the Jupiter Jack, some cheap piece of shit that you put in your car radio so that the caller can be heard via the car speakers. In a shrill, shrieking voice that would piss off the Pope, he screams, "Let me tell you about the Jupiter Jack...." and begins his rant about the product.

As I search for a sharp object to stick in my ear, Billy receives a call.....

Caller: "Hey Billy, it's Carla. I need you over at the office for a studio meeting."
Me: "He can't come Carla, 'cause he's dead !"

The commercial continues...

Billy: In my car, the Jupiter Jack is the only system I use 'cause I can safely drive and talk at the same time...."
Me: No you can't, Billy! You don't drive any more and you don't use it in your car, 'cause you're dead !"

At this point in time, my cat Shithead has awakened from his nap and is staring at me like I'm the crazy one in the room. Ok, so I'm a little strange, but it's commercials like this that just burns my ass and forces me to have a conversation with an inanimate object. Shithead doesn't think it's strange when I talk to him, though. He thinks that's "normal."

It's not that all commercials bother me. Most are well done and some are quite clever. It's just when they put on some idiot with a product that you know is a scam or doesn't work that makes me yell at the television. I try to keep my composure when one of my lady friends is with me, but occasional outbursts do occur.

Most of the people that evoke my wrath are people like that idiot Vince on the "Shamwow" commercials. He's dead as well, but at least he had the decency to stay dead. The trio who do the commercial for Free Credit Report dot Com are also real winners. I wonder how they got time off from their jobs at MacDonalds to film the commercial? That commercial is one of the all time biggest scams today.

Then there's that pervert that does the Extenze commercials, who looks like the type you would see at the local titty bar, wearing a raincoat. I'm relatively sure that's where he found that bimbo who does the commercial with him.

Bimbo: "It's not a trick, it's real science !"
Me: "Sweetie, the only thing you know about science is that it's a word that precedes fiction. Stick with words that you understand like, 'You want fries with that?'"

Years ago, when I was around ten years old, I was walking toward the kitchen where my father was preparing dinner. I heard him conversing with someone, but when I went into the kitchen, he was alone. Later, I told my mother that I thought that something was wrong with Dad. Concerned, my mother asked me what was wrong and I told her what had happened. As she gasped for air while laughing hysterically, she told me not to worry and that I would understand later on in life.

Yes, my little pop tarts, I have become my father. I talk to the television, I talk to my cat and sometime I have quite the interesting conversation with myself. The only drawback is that I occasionally continue conversing with myself when I take a walk to the local Seven-Eleven. It doesn't matter though, Ahmed Ali Baba doesn't speak English anyway....

This Date In History: 1513; The members of a Spanish expedition under Vasco Núñez de Balboa cross the Panamanian isthmus, becoming the first Europeans to see the Pacific Ocean. 1789; Led by James Madison, the US Congress approves 12 amendments to the Constitution. Ten of these amendments, which will be ratified by the states in 1791, are known as the Bill of Rights.

1957; After prolonged resistance by local leaders, nine African-American students enter Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, under the protection of the National Guard. 1970; The Palestine Liberation Organization is defeated by the government of Jordan, after a brief conflict known as "Black September".

Picture Of The Day: By now you're probably wondering about the correlation between today's pictures and the United Nations. The answer is that it takes all kinds and not all of the kinds are not acceptable to others as depicted in this United Nations group photograph. President Imadinnerjacket appears a bit lonely and isolated by the rest of the group.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you 2) An Arachnoleptic Fit is the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 3) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have a new pair of shoes 4) You know you have an addiction to the Internet when you wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 5) A minute can seem such a short time or a long time. It just depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Today is my Mom's birthday. Mom passed away a few years back, but I always wish her a happy birthday. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you ! 1915, Francesco Borromini, Baroque architect 1599, Qianlong, Chinese emperor 1711, Thomas Hunt Morgan, geneticist 1866, William Faulkner, novelist 1897, Mark Rothko, Abstract Expressionist painter 1903, Dmitri Shostakovich, Russian composer 1906.

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly women, Maude and Mabel, were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Maude notices something peculiar about Mabel's ear and says, '"Mabel, why on earth do you have a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel replies, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulls it out and stares at it for a moment. Mabel says, "Thanks for letting me know. Now I know where to find my missing hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back. The lawyer turned and said, "Excuse me, but why do you keep touching my back?" The man said, "I'm a chiropractor and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."The lawyer says, "Get control of yourself, man, I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

One morning a blind bunny tripped over a large snake and fell on his twitchy little nose. The bunny said, "Please excuse me,' I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." The snake said, That's all right, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?" The bunny said, "Well, I really don't know. I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit." The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him.

When the bunny was finished the snake asked, "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls. You must be a politician!"

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.

She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "Can I help you with anything?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." The golf pro says, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"

That's it for today my little Honey Dews. Remember, marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. Thank God, it's Friday, and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and some late night carousing! Have a great weekend and more on Monday,

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It's Time To Begin Harvesting Nuts For The Winter !

Since it's been a strange, but busy news week. I'll try bring you up to date on the national news according to the late night talk show hosts....

Chrysler announced that it will no longer put owner's manuals in their cars. Not only that, Chrysler has pretty much given up on putting owners in their cars.

The MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual “Genius” awards. This year’s awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago.

A well-known animal expert says that humans should “pull the plug” on panda bears because they’re not strong enough to survive on their own. The animal expert then said the same goes for the Detroit Lions.

Security is very tight around the United Nations building in New York City -- a lot of dictators running around. Dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad kicked things off with a hate-filled rant, followed by hors d’oeuvres.

President Obama was on “David Letterman” last night. I especially liked the “Stupid Biden Tricks.” It was very awkward though when Paul Shaffer stood up and shouted, “You lie!" Obama has been everywhere pushing his health care plan. He was even on “Maury Povich.” The good news is he’s not the father. Turns out John Edwards is.

It’s officially fall. You can always tell it’s fall in L.A. because the air gets crisper; the days get a little shorter; the leaves turn from on fire to not on fire. The smog changes color in the fall too, it’s really quite beautiful.

There are over 150 world leaders are in town for the conference. As a result, there are also 150 mistresses in town. It’s a traffic nightmare. Several heads of state are staying at the Ritz-Carlton. Most check in under an alias for security reasons, although I'm pretty sure I know who Joe Schmiden is.

It’s the first day of autumn. In a statement, Sarah Palin said, "I’m getting a little worried about President Obama, he hasn’t been on a TV show in almost 11 hours." The fall season is a little different this year. Even squirrels are distancing themselves from ACORN.

Speaking of squirrels: There were five houses of religion in a small Florida town. The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church, and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the roof of the church. The deacons met and decided to have the congregation vote on the best recipe for stewed squirrel.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue in Miami Beach, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

In Other News: Moammar Gadhafi and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced "I'm a dinner jacket") are slated to speak to the United Nations General Assembly. Although free speech is a human right which should be open to all, I feel that if no one attends or listens to these two assholes speak, the best interests of all will be served. You might understand this thought more thoroughly by watching C-SPAN, which televises our esteemed elected public officials making undistinguished speeches to an empty hall.

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths: 1) Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2) Jews do not recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah. 3) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4) Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

This Date In History: 1642; Harvard College in Cambridge, Massachusetts, the oldest college in the United States, holds its first commencement exercises. 1780; British agent John André is captured while carrying documents that reveal the treason of American general Benedict Arnold, who has agreed to hand over the American fort at West Point to the British.

1846; German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovers the eighth planet, Neptune, on the basis of French astronomer Urbain Le Verrier's calculations of its position. 1912; After leaving the Biograph company to start his own film studio, director Mack Sennett releases the first Keystone comedy short, starring Mabel Normand, Ford Sterling, and Fred Mace.

1939; Sigmund Freud, the Austrian founder of psychoanalysis and one of the most influential thinkers of the 20th century, dies in London at the age of 83, having fled the Nazi takeover of Austria in 1938.

Birthdays: Augustus, first emperor of Rome (27 bc-ad 14) 63 bc, Victoria Woodhull, reformer and feminist 1838, Louise Nevelson, sculptor 1900, Jaroslav Seifert, poet 1901, Ray Charles, pianist and singer 1930, Bruce Springsteen, rock singer and songwriter 1949.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have no idea why the sell hot dogs in packs of ten and hot dog buns in packs of eight. 2) Ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." 3) Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 5) Negligent (adj.), is a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown....and that's five !

Picture Of The Day: Believe it or not, there is a correlation between today's post and the squirrel pictures. With the news about so many nutty dictators in New York City, the continuing ACORN fraud scandal and investigations across the nation and the arrival of fall, it's only appropriate that squirrels are present to gather and store nuts for winter.

The little squirrel who was adopted by the dog family is named Finnegan. The mother adopted, fed and cared for him as she did her own puppies.

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt, my pal, Victor, and my pal, Joann, for their contributions to today's post.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly said, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." The teller asked, "Oh my goodness gracious. And will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to you eye, doesn't it ?

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."

That's it for today my little puddy tats. Remember, you know you're addicted to the Internet when you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, September 21, 2009

Never Fry Bacon Naked !

I enjoy cooking and although I don't always prepare gourmet dishes, I definitely enjoy the challenge of turning a standard fare into something special. My father was the chef in the family and Brother Kirt probably inherited most of Dad's cooking talents. I'm not as talented as Brother Kirt, but, for the most part, I cook relatively well.

A lot of my culinary skills were actually acquired during my early bachelor days when I learned that it was a useful talent in relationships. For some reason, women seem to enjoy having a special dinner prepared just for them. Of course, I also learned that cooking was a useful tool in survival and after many failed experiments, I began to get the hang of cooking a decent meal for myself.

It dawned on me yesterday that almost every time that I cook, there's always a part of my body that suffers a casualty. Mom and Dad taught me the basics in cooking. beginning with the old adage, "don't touch that, it's hot." Naturally, the first lesson one learns in cooking is that they were right! That age old adage, passed down from generation to generation, is always learned the hard way. But there are certain lessons one must learn on one's own....

My first lesson in cooking as a bachelor was, "Never fry bacon naked." This is a phrase that should be written, framed and hung in every kitchen right beside the "home, sweet home" sign. Another "Law of Cooking" lesson is to remember that after your hands become coated with flour or oil, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Perhaps one of the most dangerous parts of cooking is preparing and cutting the vegetables for a salad. Inevitably, no matter how much I try to be careful, I end up cutting or piercing myself while slicing and dicing. I've found that the best way to slice vegetables is to get someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice them. The drawback to this is that unless you have a lot of friends, you'll soon run out of people to hold the vegetables.

As the cooking process nears completion and dinner is almost ready to be served, I find that it is in this time frame where most of my injuries occur. Since I am prone to multi-tasking (even when there's only one task), certain things occassionally happen that can really hurt.

Anyone who has ever cooked, especially sauteeing, knows that there's always that one part of the meat or fish that just doesn't want to stay or fit in the frying pan. When I am hurried, I have the tendency to push that part into the pan with my finger. Ninety percent of the time, I do this successfully and ten precent results in a burned fingertip. That ten percent time frame always seems to coincide with the fact that I'm cooking for a lady.

Fortunately, I usually have a bottle of wine chilling on ice and my remedy for the burned finger is to take as long as possible to remove the wine from the ice and pour it. All things considered, the minor injuries are usually worth the effort and things normally work out well......unless I fried the bacon!

This Date In History: 1745; Bonnie Prince Charlie's Jacobite forces defeat the Hanoverians at the Battle of Prestonpans, near Edinburgh. 1904; Chief Joseph, the Nez Perce Native American chief who led his people on a 1,000 mile journey to escape the US Army, dies on the Colville Reservation in Washington at about the age of 64. 1937; The Hobbit, Oxford University professor J. R. R. Tolkien's tale of Middle Earth, is published.

1976; In an assassination widely credited to the secret police of Chile, Chilean opposition leader Orlando Letelier and his American secretary are killed by a car bomb in Washington, D.C. 1989; The US Senate confirms President George Bush's appointment of General Colin Powell as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Picture Of The Day: Florida is known for its alligators, especially in the Everglades, but this 'gator takes the cake! Florida Power and Light were doing some culvert work in Orlando when they ran across this guy. The alligator measured 18 feet, two inches. For those of you who don't know, the 'gator is on his back.

I've seen 'gators up to 14-15 feet in my past fishing and camping trips in the 'glades, but I've never seen one this big.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend took two Ex-Lax in addition to his Prozac the other day. He couldn't get off the john, but he felt good about it. 2) President Obama has said that he’s dropping President Bush’s plan for a missile defense shield. Obama is also dropping President Bush’s plan to build an elite army of Rock ’em, Sock’em Robots. 3) According to Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, the recession is over. Where is that “you lie” congressman when you need him?

4) ACORN is an organization that gets government money to help poor people. Well, now they’re in trouble. These two filmmakers went to ACORN posing as a pimp and prostitute saying they wanted to buy a house and run it as a brothel. ACORN gave them advice on how to do it and how to avoid prosecution and how to avoid paying taxes. If they want to get away with prostitution and not paying taxes, they should go to Congress. These are the professionals. 5) I have yet to understand the logic of people ordering double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Frederick III, Holy Roman emperor 1415, Girolamo Savonarola, preacher and reformer 1452, H. G. Wells, novelist and political writer 1866, Chuck Jones, animator 1912, Stephen King, novelist 1947.

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now, some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench on Miami Beach. After a while, one said, "By the way, George, how's your wife?" George says, "I think she's dead." The other man says, "What do you mean, you think she dead?" George says, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" The husband replied, "No, dear, not at all, our house isn't blue."

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm and said, "Want some of this?" Her husband replied,"Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" The young man said, "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks."

The pastor said, "What happened?" The young man said, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.

The pastor said, "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church." The young man said, "Yeah, we're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

That's it for today my little Dixie cups. Remember, the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo is that a southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !