Cable news interviews with far left and far right loonies who, depending on your political tilt, always (along with Chicken Little) claim that the the other party is at fault and the sky is falling. Meanwhile, most of the nation, the middle of the road types, are busy working and trying to survive the economic mess partly created by said loonies.
Assholes, (In general), but mostly politicians who, rather than state their case for themselves, rely on smear tactics and name calling to win an election. Liars and thieves that they are, we are bombarded with their political television commercials for the three months prior to any election.
Attorneys, (See assholes) who keep bombarding the airwaves with noble (?) causes like mesothelioma (I've seen four commercials today, alone) and other crapola morning, noon and f**king night. Any attorney who has to advertise is not worth hiring because good attorneys don't need to advertise. This paragraph, of course, does not include my esteemed attorney, who is a great and honorable person and should always charge me reasonable fees.
Celebrity sluts, including, but not limited to, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus.
Reality Shows, which networks use to avoid hiring real actors and investing in any new shows that are interesting. As long as the general public continues to watch this garbage, any chance of a decent new show or series by legitimate actors is nil.
Gold-buying companies, especially Cash-4-Gold. Anyone who is stupid enough to send gold through the mail deserves to be ripped off by these thieves.
I feel better now.......... The News As I See It: The scams and ruses from so-called "green" companies and products continue to amaze me. Although the concept is a good idea, most of the companies offering green products are just band-wagon jumpers who profit from selling crap to idealists. If you want really want to go green, just do things that are not harmful to the environment and you'll be fine. Of course, for some, this would entail not procreating....
My pal Victor told me that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night. That's just my luck, I just joined the VFW.
This Date In History: 30 B.C.; Cleopatra VII, Queen of Egypt, committed suicide. 1862; The Second Battle of Bull Run took place during the Civil War. 1905; Ty Cobb made his major league batting debut, playing for the Detroit Tigers. 1941; The two-year siege of Leningrad during World War II began.
1963; A hot line between the Kremlin and the White House went into operation to reduce the chances of an accidental war. 1967; Thurgood Marshall was confirmed by the U.S. Senate to become the first Black Supreme Court justice. 1999; East Timor residents voted to secede from Indonesia.
Picture Of The Day: I'm surprised that more of the photoshop gang didn't jump on the opportunity to lampoon Paris Hilton for being busted in Las Vegas for possession of cocaine. This time, since it's a felony, she will probably have to spend a whole month in jail with time off for good behavior. Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They keep saying the right person will come along. I hope mine's not driving a truck. 2) I stopped at a gas station the other day and the restroom door was locked. What do they think, someone might go in and clean them? 3) We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million computer keyboards will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 4) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 5) The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public......and that's five !
Birthdays: My beautiful friend Rosa. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, My pal, Hector. Happy B-Day, Bud! 19XX, Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, author 1797, Huey Long, politician 1893, Roy Wilkins, civil-rights leader 1901, Fred MacMurray, actor 1908, Ted Williams, baseball player 1918, Warren Buffett, financial executive 1930.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk said, "Congratulations!" Looking at the cowboy, the clerk asked, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy said, "Naw, thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!", and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank scotch, drove sports cars and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up....The End. The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contributions to today's stories.
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. The Sheriff said, "Howdy, stranger." The cowboy said, "Howdy, Sheriff."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. The Sheriff said, "Hold on, Mister. Did I just see what I think I just saw?" The cowboy said, "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." The Sheriff asked, "And that cures them?" The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' them."
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice." An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.
The service station attendant asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman said, "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." The attendant said, "Saddle Horn? Lady, Indians ride bareback.....
That's it for today my little butter beans. Remember, the hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !