Monday, August 30, 2010

I'm Just About Fed Up With.....

Mondays.....they always spur things in my mind, especially today. It's overcast, muggy and occasionally drizzling rain. I've switched back and forth today between CNN and Fox News and I've decided, that I'm about fed up with......

Cable news interviews with far left and far right loonies who, depending on your political tilt, always (along with Chicken Little) claim that the the other party is at fault and the sky is falling. Meanwhile, most of the nation, the middle of the road types, are busy working and trying to survive the economic mess partly created by said loonies.

Assholes, (In general), but mostly politicians who, rather than state their case for themselves, rely on smear tactics and name calling to win an election. Liars and thieves that they are, we are bombarded with their political television commercials for the three months prior to any election.

Attorneys, (See assholes) who keep bombarding the airwaves with noble (?) causes like mesothelioma (I've seen four commercials today, alone) and other crapola morning, noon and f**king night. Any attorney who has to advertise is not worth hiring because good attorneys don't need to advertise. This paragraph, of course, does not include my esteemed attorney, who is a great and honorable person and should always charge me reasonable fees.

Celebrity sluts, including, but not limited to, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus.

Reality Shows, which networks use to avoid hiring real actors and investing in any new shows that are interesting. As long as the general public continues to watch this garbage, any chance of a decent new show or series by legitimate actors is nil.

Gold-buying companies, especially Cash-4-Gold. Anyone who is stupid enough to send gold through the mail deserves to be ripped off by these thieves.

I feel better now..........

The News As I See It: The scams and ruses from so-called "green" companies and products continue to amaze me. Although the concept is a good idea, most of the companies offering green products are just band-wagon jumpers who profit from selling crap to idealists. If you want really want to go green, just do things that are not harmful to the environment and you'll be fine. Of course, for some, this would entail not procreating....

My pal Victor told me that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night. That's just my luck, I just joined the VFW.

This Date In History: 30 B.C.; Cleopatra VII, Queen of Egypt, committed suicide. 1862; The Second Battle of Bull Run took place during the Civil War. 1905; Ty Cobb made his major league batting debut, playing for the Detroit Tigers. 1941; The two-year siege of Leningrad during World War II began.

1963; A hot line between the Kremlin and the White House went into operation to reduce the chances of an accidental war. 1967; Thurgood Marshall was confirmed by the U.S. Senate to become the first Black Supreme Court justice. 1999; East Timor residents voted to secede from Indonesia.

Picture Of The Day: I'm surprised that more of the photoshop gang didn't jump on the opportunity to lampoon Paris Hilton for being busted in Las Vegas for possession of cocaine. This time, since it's a felony, she will probably have to spend a whole month in jail with time off for good behavior.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They keep saying the right person will come along. I hope mine's not driving a truck. 2) I stopped at a gas station the other day and the restroom door was locked. What do they think, someone might go in and clean them? 3) We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million computer keyboards will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 4) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 5) The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public......and that's five !

Birthdays: My beautiful friend Rosa. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, My pal, Hector. Happy B-Day, Bud! 19XX, Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, author 1797, Huey Long, politician 1893, Roy Wilkins, civil-rights leader 1901, Fred MacMurray, actor 1908, Ted Williams, baseball player 1918, Warren Buffett, financial executive 1930.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk said, "Congratulations!" Looking at the cowboy, the clerk asked, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy said, "Naw, thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!", and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank scotch, drove sports cars and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up....The End.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contributions to today's stories.

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. The Sheriff said, "Howdy, stranger." The cowboy said, "Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. The Sheriff said, "Hold on, Mister. Did I just see what I think I just saw?" The cowboy said, "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." The Sheriff asked, "And that cures them?" The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' them."

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

The service station attendant asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman said, "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." The attendant said, "Saddle Horn? Lady, Indians ride bareback.....

That's it for today my little butter beans. Remember, the hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 27, 2010

Some Things Just Make You Want To Barf !

Although the economy is in the toilet, evidently it's not hurting some California and Michigan residents. Welfare recipients are using their Electronic Benefit Transfer (EBT) cards to withdraw state funded payments from ATM machines in casinos. In California, over 1.8 million dollars were withdrawn from ATMs over an eight month period. And Californians can't seem to understand why the state is almost bankrupt......

The question is why would anyone receiving welfare payments be in a casino? It's unclear as to whether the casinos were complicit in the welfare dispensing ATMs but many casinos cash plenty of working-class folks paychecks, without charge, every week. They then offer the workers free drinks, T-shirts or other incentives to gamble. California Governor Ahnoold Shwarsenbagel released an executive order forbidding welfare recipients from using their EBT cards casino in ATMs. Right........

One of my favorite singers is James Taylor and his hit song, "You've Got A Friend" is probably one of his best. My newest video is my interpretation of that song and all of the three part harmony vocals are performed by myself. I particularly had a good time matching up compatible photographs to accompany the song. Here's my latest and I hope you enjoy it.

As always, remember to mute the sound on my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Arizona asked whether people who live in Arizona think illegal immigration is a serious problem. Forty percent of respondents answered, "Yes, it is a serious problem." Sixty percent of respondents answered, "No es una problema serio."

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

New York City is the city that never sleeps. You know why? Bed bugs.

This Date In History: 1859; Edwin Drake drilled the first successful U.S. oil well near Titusville, Pa. 1883; A massive volcanic eruption on the island of Krakatoa blew up most of the island and resulted in tsunamis that killed over 36,000 people. 1928; The Kellogg-Briand Pact, outlawing war, was signed.

1945; U.S. troops began landing in Japan after Japan's surrender in World War II. 1962; The U.S. launched the Mariner II space probe. 2003; Mars made its closest approach to earth in 60,000 years.

Picture Of The Day: It's been a tough week for the photoshop gang. I had to peruse the archives for fodder for today's post. Let's just refer to them as "oldie-goldies", shall we?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Who the hell is Sal Monella? He's probably a cast member of "Jersey Shore". 2) I know a doctor who gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. 3) Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. 4) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. 5) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet, dramatist, novelist, and scientist 1749, Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, religious leader 1774, Charles Boyer, actor 1899, Bruno Bettelheim, psychologist 1903, Roger Tory Peterson, ornithologist 1908, Robertson Davies, writer 1913, Jason Priestley, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" The young man replies, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman, intrigued, says "A state-of-the-art watch? So, what's special about it?" The young man says, "Well, it uses ultrasonic waves to telepathically talk to me." The woman says, "Interesting. What's it telling you now?" The young man says, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The young man says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of Oz. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard. The Wizard asked, "What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?" Barack Obama stepped forward timidly and said, "I've come for some courage." The wizard says, "No problem! Who's next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said, "Well, I think I need a heart." The Wizard replied, "Done! Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?" George Bush says, "The American people say that I need a brain." The wizard says, "No problem! Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, 'Well, what do you want?" Clinton says, "Is Dorothy here?"

Barack Obama was elected President and was spending his first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appeared, and Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." Obama, says, "Ouch! I already have."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." Obama says, "Oh! I really don't want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Nancy Pelosi is out walking and she passes a young boy selling puppies. The boy asks, "Buy a puppy Ma'am?" Pelosi says, "No, we have a cat already you know." The boy says, "But they are Democrat puppies, Ma'am." Pelosi smiles, but again declines. The boy nods and Pelosi walks on. The next day, Pelosi is walking by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies.

As Pelosi walks by she overhears the youth telling the potential customer, "But sir. these are Republican puppies." Pelosi stops and says "Young man, yesterday you told me those were Democrat puppies, and today you are saying they are Republican puppies" The boy replies, "Well Yes Ma'am." Pelosi then asks, "Well, if they were Democrat puppies yesterday, how could they be Republican puppies today?" The boy answers, "Well Ma'am, since then they opened their eyes."

That's it for today my little apple dumplings. Remember, a friend hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails. Unless I forget, I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep - Maybe, Maybe Not

I am not a person who goes to church often but I pray to God every day in my own way. Recently, Brother Kirt sent me poetic prayers which were individually written by a man and a woman. The prayers were written on the theme, "What Do You Look For In Choosing A Spouse." I was so touched by these prayers, that I thought that I would share them with you.

The woman wrote: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other and relish visits with my mother.

The man wrote: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

The News As I See It: Miss Mexico is the new Miss Universe, and today begins a grueling year of waving. There was a big controversy in the contest. Miss Iran was disqualified for enriching uranium.

President Obozo is on vacation again. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacations when his one term is up. Obozo could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide.

Osama bin Laden’s personal chef was arrested. His famous dish is Linguini al-Qaida.

This Date In History: 1916; The United States National Park Service is created. 1932; Amelia Earhart completes transcontinental flight. 1944; Paris is taken by the Allies. General De Gaulle re-establishes a presence in the capital. 2009; Edward "Ted" Kennedy, who served as a Democratic senator from Massachusetts since 1962, dies. He was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor in 2008.

Picture Of The Day: It seems everyone and every animal has his own way of giving thanks. I kinda liked the little dogs saying grace so I threw it in with today's eclectic pictures.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When you cross a godfather with a lawyer you get an offer you can't understand. 2) Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 3) If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 4) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 5) When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 a minute (or so I'm told).....and that's five !

Birthdays: Allan Pinkerton, detective 1819, Sir Hans Adolf Krebs, biochemist 1900, Leonard Bernstein, American composer, conductor, and pianist 1918, George Wallace, governor 1919, Althea Gibson, tennis player 1927, Sean Connery, actor 1930, Regis Philbin, TV personality 1934, Tim Burton, director 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. The Don says, "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." His grandson says,"But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "

The old Don says, "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do then? Point to your watch and say 'Times up?'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my ex-wife Susie for her contribution to today's stories.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a man would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'I can't, he's all booked up for the year.'"

The explanation of life: On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of ten years." On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I will give you a twenty-year life span."

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of forty years." On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? You gave the dog ten years, the monkey twenty years, and the cow forty years. Since I have to take care of these creatures, I should have lives equal to theirs plus my twenty, right?" God said, Okay, you asked for it and so it shall be."

This is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. This has been a public service of Jimmy's Journal.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

That's it for today my little fur balls. Remember, the best things in life are free, but unfortunately that's not the way the law sees it. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and maybe a little Karaoke. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, August 23, 2010

Healthy Plastic Bottled Water - Right! Healthy For Who?

Many bottled water companies claim that their water comes from springs. Yeah? When is the last time you saw a spring? Was there a water bottling plant next to it? Methinks that there's a lot of old couples in various states whose sole job is to fill empty plastic with tap water (hopefully). Then they put a fancy label on the bottle and sell it to the public.

I went to Publix on Sunday to pick up a few odds and ends and a hot roasted chicken for dinner. As I got in line for the checkout, I noticed a woman who was purchasing two cases of individually bottled water. I'm thinking, "This woman must really be on a health kick." Then, I noticed she also bought a carton of cigarettes, two bottles of wine and a case of beer. Hmmm....what's wrong with this picture?

I'm quite aware that bottled water has been around for years but I guess when I saw that amount of bottled water being purchased at one time, it was kind of a wake up call. When I was a young man, nobody purchased bottled water. Even if you didn't have city water, there was always well water available. Granted, any well water I ever consummed had the bitter taste of iron in it, but when you're thirsty, you get over the taste of iron rather quickly.

To add insult to injury, most of these bottled water companies actually put the nutritional value of bottled water on the labels. Normally, I would follow the last sentence with a clever remarks as to how stupid it is to put a nutrition label on water, but since graphics can sometimes illustrate the point more comically, I give you the actual label:

I remember when they started selling individual bottles of water and a friend of mine said, "Look at that! The next thing you know, they'll start charging for using the air hoses at gas stations" And the band played on.....

The News As I See It: The reason why I don't go to movie theaters are personified in this week's movie news. 'The Expendables' fended off five new challengers to maintain the No. 1 spot at the box office for a second week in a row. Of the five newcomers, only 'Vampires Suck' and 'Lottery Ticket' met pre-release expectations.Even with the addition of 'Piranha 3D' this week. Ugh! How old is Stallone now....90? Don't look for any Oscar nominations here....

This Date In History: 1305; Scottish leader and national hero, William Wallace, was executed in London. 1914; Japan declared war on Germany in World War I. 1926; Silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.

1927; Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were executed for the murders of two men during a 1920 robbery, despite worldwide protests. 1939; Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union signed a non-aggression treaty.

Picture Of The Day: Charging money for bottled water is a rip off. Bottlers in New York City are so blatant that they actually sell New York tap water. How stupid do you have to be? Most cities tap water is just as good as any bottled water. I actually once rented a warehouse to a man who bottled city water, put his own label on it and sold it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 2) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 3) Everyone can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by. 4) I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself. 5) Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana......and that's five !

Birthdays: Louis XVI, king of France (1774–92) 1754, Arnold Toynbee, economist 1852, Edgar Lee Masters, writer 1868, Gene Kelly, actor and dancer 1912, Shelley Long, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly women are sitting at a restaurant, eating breakfast. Mabel turns to Ethel and says, "Do you know you have a suppository in your left ear?"

Ethel reaches into her ear, pulls out the suppository and looks at it. She says, "Thanks Mabel, I'm glad you told me. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. He went to his uncle's farm and asked to borrow his rifle to go hunting. His uncle lent the boy his gun and told him to be real careful around Farmer Johnson's place and not to shoot at any of his farm animals.

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and shot at it. Not knowing if he hit it or anything about animals, the boy ran to the farmhouse and described the animal he shot at to his uncle. The boy said, "It was really ugly and it had two saggy tits and a beard!" His uncle said "Oh, shit! You shot at farmer Johnson's wife!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?" Socrates replied, "Wait a minute. Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." The man said, "Test of Three?" Socrates answered, "That's correct. Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say."

Socrates continued, "The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man replied, "No, actually I just heard about it." Socrates said, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" The man said, "No, on the contrary..." Socrates said, "So, you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" The man said, "No, not really..." Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

President Obozo's new vision for remodeling the White House

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up and said, "I do...why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, " I just thoughtyou would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and after a few minutes, Silver began to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, please run circles around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.

There was little the Lone Ranger could except wait so he returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and said, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands and says, "I do. What's wrong with him now?" The cowboy says, "Nothing, the horse is fine, but you left your Injun running."

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

That's it for today my little chop sticks. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 20, 2010

After You've Gone.....

I'm having fun posting the songs that I sing on my Facebook and YouTube sites and most of these songs have been recorded and stored on my computer for some time. Having recently acquired a program that I use to make these songs into videos, I now have a vehicle other than CD's to post and store my music.

Those of you who have Facebook accounts can see all of my music videos on that site or you can see them on my YouTube site using this link The link is also on my sidebar.

I have recently released and posted two new songs on my sites, "Moonlight In Vermont" a classic and romantic ballad and "Sabor A Mi" a beautiful old song which I sing in Spanish.

The song that you will hear today has been recorded by many artists. This particular arrangement is an uptempo version recorded by Frank Sinatra and I hope you enjoy it. For those of you who don't know it, It's entitled "After You've Gone." For those of you who do know it, it's still entitled "After You've Gone."

As always, remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: A new poll found that 1 in 5 Americans believe President Obozo is a Muslim. Remember during the campaign, when he was criticized for belonging to ("G..D.... America") Reverend Wright’s church? What happened to that? Obozo is staying at Martha’s Vineyard, which has an obstructed view of the Atlantic Ocean, and just happens to point towards Mecca.

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" was in court after being arrested for public drunkenness. How can you arrest someone for doing their job? She was also charged with public annoyance. If that’s a crime, everyone on that show should get the death penalty.

Odds and Ends: Roger Clemens was indicted by a grand jury for allegedly lying to Congress. You don’t lie to Congress unless you’re in Congress. Lindsay Lohan will supposedly get a million dollars for her first interview after prison. I need to start driving drunk into houses.

Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

This Date In History: 1964; As part of his Great Society policies, Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Economic Opportunity Act which, among other things, established the Head Start program. 1968; The Soviet Union and other Warsaw Pact nations invaded Czechoslovakia. 1977; The space probe Voyager 2 was launched. It continues to explore to this day, and is now more than 7 billion miles from Earth.

1980; Italian Reinhold Messner made the first successful solo ascent of Mount Everest and without oxygen. 1998; U.S. cruise missiles hit suspected terrorist bases in Afghanistan and the Sudan. 2000; Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship becoming the first player since Ben Hogan in 1953 to win three majors in one year.

Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?

Picture Of The Day: On a sidenote, the old phrase "You don't know shit from Shinola" came to mind and I thought I'd have some fun with the thought. Those of you who are aware of the product and the phrase will understand this completely. For the younger readers, I've inserted graphics. For the hard of understanding, uh....never mind.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I once told a young guy that he didn't "know shit from Shinola" and he looked at me like Nipper, the RCA Victor dog looks at the phonograph. 2) The best way to lie is to tell the truth....carefully edited truth. 3) Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter". 4) No one seems to be listening until you fart. 5) One in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mother, my father, my brother Kirt or my sister, Hu Chou Ling, but I think it's Kirt......and that's five !

Birthdays: Oliver Hazard Perry, American naval officer 1785, Benjamin Harrison, 23rd U.S. President 1833, Eero Saarinen, architect 1910, George J. Mitchell, public official 1933, Connie Chung, TV news reporter 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." The Nun asked, "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" The Nun said, "What a wonderful answer!"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face and said, "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

I try to see the points of view of most politicians, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." Little Johnny replied, "Actually, the correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

Little Johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores. Little Johnny says, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. Then goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

Little Johnny asks, "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

That's it for today my little sweet peas. Remember, nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's free for the weekend. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. If I can't find a woman that's free, I hope she's reasonable. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

At A Certain Age, You'd Think I'd Learn....But I Don't !

I've got to stop going out the night before I write my journal because I'm usually not worth a shit the next day. On top of that, I got into a little spat with my sweet Nicole, so there's another thing I need to work out. The only one I haven't offended or isn't angry with me is my cat, Possum (although he hasn't spoken to me much today). So much for my world, let's get to today's topics, shall we?

President Barack Obama (you may remember him from school days as Barry Soetoro) earned his lowest marks ever on his handling of the economy in a new Associated Press-GfK poll, which also found that an overwhelming majority of Americans now describe the nation's financial outlook as poor (you're kidding?!)

Eleven weeks before the Nov. 2 balloting, just 41 percent of those surveyed approve of the president's performance on the economy, down from 44 percent in April, while 56 percent disapprove. And 61 percent say the economy has gotten worse or stayed the same on Obama's watch.

A new medical report states that a lack of a certain vitamin may be linked to Dementia. I'd tell you the vitamin but I forgot where I put today's newspaper. Anyway, the good news is that I probably won't get Dementia because I take that vitamin, unless I forget. Also, the good news is that I probably won't get Dementia because I take that vitamin that I forgot....

The News As I See It: Levi Johnston is a weasel. He's now offering to sell a tell-all interview about himself, the latest break-up, and inside information about Sarah Palin for $20,000. Looking back, the problem isn't that he refused to wear a condom. The problem is his father didn't wear a condom."

President Obozo was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology. The president’s security left traffic in Los Angeles paralyzed. It took some people two hours to get home from work, when it usually only takes 96 minutes.

This Date In History: 1227; Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan died in China. 1587; Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents born in North America. 1894; Congress established the Bureau of Immigration, forerunner of the Immigration and Naturalization Service. 1920; When Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, the three-quarters of the states necessary was achieved and American women got the right to vote.

1936; Spanish poet and playwright Federico Garcia Lorca was shot and killed by Franco's soldiers during the Spanish Civil War. 1958; Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita was published. 1963; James Meredith became the first African American to graduate from the University of Mississippi.

Picture Of The Day: Once again, the photoshop gang have failed to come with something that matches the subject of the day. So, I've decided to show you some of the elaborate works that these artist come up with. One in particular is for my pal, Rose, because she likes.....uh, roses. A few are also newsworthy if you're up on the news, including the "blood diamonds" trial. There are a couple more you might recognize as well, but I'll leave that up to you.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 2) Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 3) Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die. 4) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.5) While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several......and that's five !

Birthdays: Virginia Dare, first white child of English parents to be born in America 1587, Meriwether Lewis, explorer 1774, Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit, diplomat 1900, Shelley Winters, actress 1920, Rosalynn Smith Carter, first lady 1927, Roman Polanski, film director 1933, Roberto Clemente, baseball player 1934 Robert Redford, actor and director 1937, Patrick Swayze, actor 1952, Christian Slater, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: His four children were gathered around Mr. Stanley's deathbed. As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.

Mr. Stanley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. He said, "Children, I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married." His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're all bastards?" Mr. Stanley said, "Yes, and cheap ones too!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' 'Ben said, ''Nothing. The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and pants, exposing his hairy chest and legs. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest and hairy legs." Her mother said, "Don't worry, Maria, all good men have hairy chests and legs. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" Her mother said, "Stay here and stir the pasta. This is a job for Mama."

A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do. After flicking through the magazine her husband says, "To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help."

That's it for today my little Twinkies. Remember, when you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers. It's Hump Day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !