Friday, January 29, 2010

The Psychiatrist Is In !

I save things. I don't know why, I just do. Maybe it's because money was tight when I was a kid. Looking back at my youth, we were theoretically poor but I didn't realize it. Yet, I had everything I really needed growing up. Yes, there were some kids who always got that new bicycle every year but they never really appreciated it.

Yeah, I save things. Even as an adult, that pack rat mentality still dwells inside of me. When I was married (both times), both wives were constantly on me to get rid of all of my "useless junk." I recall one day in particular when I went to find something I had stowed away and it was gone. When I asked my wife about my things, her response was, "Oh, I threw it out. Did you want that junk?" Uh, yeah. I eventually took both of my wives' advice and got rid of all of my useless things. That's why I'm single......

The problem I have with saving things is that I'm not bright enough to write down where I put them. I always think that I will remember. This thought comes from a man who gets up from the computer, goes to the kitchen and upon arrival, cannot remember why he is in the kitchen.

I spoke yesterday with my pal Victor, who I have known since we were kids. I told him I would send him some old pictures I have of him with Brother Kirt and some of our other pals. After searching for an hour, I could not find the pictures. I think they're probably with the $100 bill I have hidden in my secret hiding place. That's another problem...I forgot where my secret hiding place is.

I think that my tendency to hold on to what I consider "special things" spilled over to my relationship with friends and family. I cherish the times with them, both present and past. Over the years I've been poor and also had money. My true wealth is having wonderful family and friends and, looking back, I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Possum S. Hemmingway has asked me to tell you that he is making a new post this coming Sunday and he'll be sending you an alert. Humor him, if you will. He is the only one that helps me find all the junk I've stowed away.

The News As I See It: According to Us Weekly, Tiger Woods is at a sex rehab facility in Mississippi and his wife Elin is staying nearby at Brett Favre’s ranch. That's another interception for Brett Favre this week. Susan Boyle had a bit of a scare the other night after an intruder broke into her house, which must be terrifying. Imagine walking into a dark living room in the middle of the night and bumping into Susan Boyle.

MSNBC's Chris Mathews, after watching Obama's State of the Union Address, declared he "forgot he was black for an hour." This is the same guy who was so excited during one of Obama's 2008 campaign speeches that he said he felt a "thrill going up my leg." Nancy Pelosi once again reprised her role as the inimitable retarded seal, standing and clapping every time Obama's uttered a rhetorical word in his State of the Union address. Word has it that she'll be asked to assist the trainers at Sea World to teach the lazier seals how to inanely stand, clap and react appropriately when they're thrown a sardine.....

This Date In History: 1802; John Beckley became the first Librarian of Congress. He was paid $2 a day. 1845; Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven was published. 1850; Henry Clay introduced the Compromise of 1850 to the Senate. 1861; Kansas became the 34th state in the United States.

1886; Karl Benz received a patent for the first successful gasoline-driven car. 1936; Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner, Christy Mathewson, and Walter Johnson were the first players elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York. 1963; Poet Robert Frost died in Boston.

Picture Of The Day: Apple's new I-Pad seems to be popular although it seems to me that it's nothing more than an overgrown i-phone. But, wait! There's more! If you buy now, apple will send you these additional items that are pictured today. Just pay additional shipping and handling charges of $499. Hell, if you'll pay $499 for an overgrown i-phone, you'll probably buy the rest of this crap, as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not complaining, but I have no idea how women can wear thongs. 2) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 3) The only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry is when a heroic dog dies to save his master or after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph. 4) Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 5) You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work with a massive hangover, however you may: a) hide the aspirin, 2) turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken -or- 3) have him paged every seven minutes.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Thomas Paine, political theorist and writer 1737, William McKinley, American President 1843, Anton Chekhov, writer 1860, Frederick Delius, composer 1862, John D. Rockefeller, Jr., philanthropist 1874, W. C. Fields, actor 1880, Edward Abbey, writer 1927, Tom Selleck, actor 1945, Oprah Winfrey, TV personality 1954, Greg Louganis, diver 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend." The second guy said "That nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."The third guy said "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house. So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said 'Wear your sweater'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett, Linda, Robin and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, were sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Solomon thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal. If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is baseball l in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" The spirit of Abe says, "Yes it is Sol," Still amazed, Sol asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" Abe says, "Well, I got good news and I got bad news."

Sol says, "Gimme the good news first." Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Four old golfer were standing on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by. Ralph takes off his hat and bows his head until the procession is finished. Once the procession is over, he puts his hat back on his head and starts to line up his shot. John and the other guys are astonished.

John says, "Ralph, we have had a standing tee time together for the past 10 years. We didn't know that you were such a sentimental guy." Ralph says, "Hell, we were married for 25 years, it's the least I could do."

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...Poof! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then poof! ... she was gone.

After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows." Dave yells back, "Don't swing Fred, don't swing!!"

That's it for today my little Who-La Whoops. Remember, a compromise is an amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

I'm going to AREA 51 and see if any of the ladies want to compromise. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Political Humor - The Only Reason Why It's Illegal To Use Politicians For Target Practice

There's a lot of things that are happening today that should make tomorrow's headlines pretty interesting. President Obama's scheduled State of the Union address this evening should be the most interesting event. I'm well aware of the sorry state this union is in, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Look for Obama to play the role of angry populist, while diverting attention away from the floundering Obamacare agenda. Nancy Pelosi has been cast in a supporting role as a sideline cheerleader of standing ovations on any and every utterance by the prez. Naturally, Joe Biden will play his normal role as a coat rack.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the House Oversight Committee grilled Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner's ass on what he knew about an effort to urge American International Group (AIG) to conceal information about its bailout while he was chairman of the New York Fed.

Toyota announced that they will halt production of eight models which have been the subject of earlier recalls for problems with accelerator pedal, Apple introduced the new I-Pad (which looks like an i-phone on steroids), oh, and Elizabeth Edwards announced she is legally separating from husband John.

.....Every time I wonder where the subject matter will come from for my next journal entry, deep down, I know I can always rely on a politician shooting himself in the foot.....

Pernell Roberts, the last surviving member of the classic TV Western "Bonanza", died of cancer Sunday at his Malibu home. Roberts played Adam Cartwright, the eldest son of a Nevada ranching family led by Lorne Greene's patriarchal Ben Cartwright.

The News As I See It: John McCain's wife, Cindy McCain and their daughter Meghan have posed for photos endorsing pro-gay marriage in California. Senator McCain is very traditional. He believes a marriage should be between an older man and a hot-looking younger woman. John Edwards has finally admitted he's the father of Rielle Hunter's baby. Now, there's a shock! Who saw that coming? McCain and Edwards were both seen shopping at the same store. They were both buying diapers, but for different reasons.

Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmopolitan magazine in 1982. Normally, you get elected to the Senate first and then you get caught with your pants down. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and sending them to Mexico instead. The immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger: "I'll be back."

This Date In History: 1880; Thomas Edison was granted a patent for his incandescent light. 1944; The Soviets announced the end of the two-year siege of Leningrad. 1945; The Russians liberated Auschwitz concentration camp, where the Nazis had killed over 1.5 million people, including over 1 million Jews.

1951; The U.S. Air Force started atomic testing in the Nevada desert.
1967; The Apollo I fire killed astronauts Grissom, White, and Chaffee during a simulated launch at Cape Canaveral. 1973; Vietnam War peace accords were signed in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: They all lie... It's in a politician's genetic make-up, just below the theft and graft genes. You just have to be able to ascertain who lies the least and who needs to be in the cross hairs....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) This morning I had the new Minnesota Vikings breakfast. It's five different kinds of turnovers. 2) Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: If you have two of them, we're happy. 3) When you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose, it's the distance to the nearest bar. 4) I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. 5) If you think you might be bored watching tonight's state of the union address, just grab a bottle of your favorite spirits and play the drinking game with a friend:


Obama says "let me be clear"...................Do one shot
Obama says "change isn't easy"..............Do one shot
Obama says "make no mistake"...............Do one shot
Obama says "jobs".....................................Do one shot (two if unemployed)
Obama says "health care".........................Do not drink, you will not be given a replacement liver
Nancy Pelosi claps like a seal.....................Do one shot
Joe Biden nods-off / laughs........................
Do three shots
Obama says "Congressional leadership"..Do two shots carefully as all that laughing will make it difficult to swallow
Obama says he's "fighting for you"............Do one shot, two if you believe him.

You may not completely understand tonight's speech, but you'll either be blitzed enough to withstand it or you'll pass out. Either way, you're better off.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Wolfgang Mozart, Austrian Composer 1756, Lewis Carroll, writer 1832, Samuel Gompers, labor leader 1850, Jerome Kern, composer 1885, Hyman G. Rickover, admiral 1900, Samuel C.C. Ting, physicist 1936, Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancer 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse.

In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man dials his home phone from work and a strange woman answers. The man says, "Who is this?" The woman says, "This is the maid." The man says, "We don't have a maid!" The woman says, "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Let me speak to my wife!" The maid says, "Ummm, she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The man is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What do I have to do?" The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."

The maid puts down the phone. The man hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone and says, "What should I do with the bodies?" The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool!" The maid says, "What?! There's no pool here?" There's a long pause and finally, the man says, " this 832-4821?"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Honey, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." Her husband replied, "Darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

That's it for today my little pea pickers. Remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. It's Hump Day and that's the only excuse I need to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, January 25, 2010

It's National Bubble Wrap Day - Go Ahead, You Know You Want To.....

Today is National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day, honoring the conception of the bubble wrap 50 years ago. Although very useful in the packaging and shipping of products, I'm still a bit unsure of it's true potential. Although neurotics must find it soothing, children seem to have fun with it as well. I must admit that I have popped a few bubbles in my time though I place most of the blame on my spiritual advisor, Johnnie Walker Black.

In reality, there are many uses for bubble wrap other than packaging and shipping. One resourceful entrepreneur came up with the bubble wrap calendar which allows one to satisfy one's neuroses and still keep track of the date. Another young lady developed the idea for using bubble wrap as a halter top. I'm not quite sure which button one should pop in that situation.

The News As I See It: The National Football League playoffs are over and the New Orleans Saints will play the Indianapolis Colts in the Super Bowl in Miami in two weeks. Let the hoopla begin. The big health care fight is not going well for the Democrats. Nancy Pelosi has said that the House doesn’t have enough votes to pass the Senate’s healthcare bill. A few more elections and the House won't have Nancy Pelosi, either.

A Taco Bell employee in Alaska was sentenced to one day in jail for throwing a taco at his manager. He'll spend the whole day pleading with fellow inmates to think outside the buns.

This Date In History: 1890; Nellie Bly bested Jules Verne's Around the World in 80 Days by completing her circumnavigation in 72 days. 1890; United Mine Workers of America was founded. 1915; Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated transcontinental telephone service.

1924; The first Winter Olympic games opened at Chamonix, France. 1961; President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference carried live on radio and television. 1971; Charles Manson was found guilty of murdering Sharon Tate and six others.

Picture Of The Day: Bubble wrap, what else? You may not believe this but it's a bit difficult to find good bubble wrap pictures these days. Oh, I almost forgot, I've also posted a picture of why hunters should not drink while they're hunting...

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've got a friend who has been on so many blind dates, he got a free seeing-eye dog. 2) Why is it that the people with the ugliest feet always wear flip-flops? 3) I think my wild oats are turning into shredded wheat! 4) Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. 5) All men see in only 16 colors, just like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Robert Burns, poet 1759, George Edward Pickett, Confederate general 1825, W. Somerset Maugham, writer 1874, Virginia Woolf, English Writer 1882, Corazon Aquino, politician 1933, Eusebio, soccer player 1942, Steve Prefontaine, runner 1951, Alicia Keys, singer, songwriter 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, little Johnny exclaims, "Oooh, horsie! Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where the mailman usually get bucked off.

Every Friday, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would go home early. She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Susie instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." The teacher said, "That's correct Susie. You may go home."

The following Friday, the teacher said, "Ask not what your country can do for you...." Before she could finish this quote, little Linda belts out, "John F. Kennedy." The teacher replied, "That's right, Linda, you may go home."

The following Friday, little Johnny, irritated that he was unable to guess the previous Friday questions, brings a paper bag with two ping-pong balls he had painted black. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," little johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room.

Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Monday!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The local sheriff was looking for a new deputy when a blonde walked into his office to apply. Wary of the rumors about blondes, he decided to ask her a few questions. The sheriff asked, "What do you get when you combine one and one? The blonde says, "Eleven." The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she's right."

The sheriff asked, "What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" The blonde replies, "Today and Tomorrow." The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him. The sheriff says, "Listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know." The sheriff says, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant and says, "The interview went great! It's my first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

That's it for today my little swizzle sticks. Remember, relationships are made in heaven but, then again, so are thunder and lightning. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, January 22, 2010

Odds And End (And A Few Monkeys...)

Did you ever have one of those days that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and everyone and everything annoyed you? I really didn't realize that I was in a bad mood until I turned on the television to see those endless, mindless commercials that insult my intelligence. You know the usual suspects. Assholes like Billy Mays, attorneys touting injured people to sue for "injuries" from auto accidents and that douche bag from Cash4gold who tells you to put your "unwanted 'jew-ler-y' " in a paper envelope and he will mail you a big nauseum.

Angrily turning to cable news for some relief from the commercials, I was even more insulted as CNN had it's usual far left spin on politics and Fox News had equally slanted far right opinion of the state of the nation. CNN focused on President Obozo's populist stance against the banking industry while trying to shift the spotlight from the ass-whooping the Republicans just gave he and the Democrats.

FOX News was still doting on Senator Scott Brown's win in Massachusetts. That's like excessively celebrating a touchdown in a game that you're losing 49 to 7. John McCain's reaction to the Supreme Court's recent ruling which allows corporations to donate unlimited monies to politicians was the only real political news that interested me.

The only redeeming factor from both cable news sites was the continuing mass donations and aid coming from Americans and other countries for Haiti. Contributions continue to pour in and I am hopeful that the majority of these donations go to the American Red Cross and other certified and proven charities. Even in disasters like the Haitian earthquake, there are those bottom feeding, scumbags who will attempt to scam caring people. Please make your donations wisely.

The News As I See It: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people. The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada has a 25-year-old man named Marcus, and he's become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first one not elected to Congress or the White House.

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because, once again, they super glued their balls to their thighs.

The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political candidates. Beside the fact that it's an asinine idea which will further bankroll corrupt politicians, it explains why Sarah Palin just accepted one million dollars to change her name to Pizza Hut.

Wednesday was President Obama's first anniversary in office. Traditionally, on the first anniversary, you're supposed to give paper, so I emailed him a birth certificate. He has three years left in office, but NBC has offered him $45 million to leave altogether. The cable news networks are talking about how much Obama's approval ratings have dropped, but rest assured, he is still the most popular Black president in American history.

This Date In History: 1901; Queen Victoria of England died after reigning for 63 years (the 4th longest among longest-reigning monarchs and the longest for queens). 1905; 500 workers were killed by the Czar's troops in "Bloody Sunday" in St. Petersburg.

1938; Thornton Wilder's play Our Town first performed publicly in Princeton, N.J. 1973; Former President Lyndon B. Johnson died at age 64. 1973; The Supreme Court legalized some abortions in Roe v. Wade. 1997; The U.S. Senate confirmed Madeleine Albright as the first female secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Seemingly, some people just might be a monkey's uncle or aunt. I took a little liberty with some of our media and movie types and formed a little troupe for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have yet to figure out why they make the lid on a pickle jar so hard to open. Then, after you've used every ounce of strength to open the son-of-a-bitch, the pickle juice spills everywhere. 2) Is it me or do all the world's weird and ugly people shop at Walmart? 3) There’s a new iPhone app that translates a baby’s cry into words. The most common translation? "Can you stop looking at your damn iPhone for one second and pick me up? I’m a crying baby!" 4) Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. 5) Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey. What the hell are we thinking?!.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Francis Bacon, philosopher 1561, John Winthrop, colonial governor 1588, Andre Marie Ampere, physicist 1775 George Gordon Noel Byron, poet 1788, August Strindberg, dramatist 1849, Beatrice Potter Webb, socialist economist 1858, D.W. Griffith, filmmaker 1880, U Thant, U.N. statesman 1909, Bill Bixby, actor, TV director 1934, Diane Lane, actor 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" The second bee said, "Really bad. The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." The first bee says, "That's no problem! Just fly down five blocks and turn left until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." The second bee says, "Thanks for the tip."

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" The second bee said, "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and huge floral arrangements on every table." The first bee asked, "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" The second bee said, "That's my yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. Inside, next to the paper roll, he saw four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'. Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services."

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

A man was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As he checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked him some standard security questions. The agent says,"Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" The man says, "My mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son." The agent looked at the man very carefully and asked, "Does she like you?"

That's it for today my little hamburglars. Remember, a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. With that though in mind, I'm going to AREA 51 to see if I can find who I forgot about. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Massachusetts Voters Send A Clear Message To Washington Politicians !

Evidently the citizens of Massachusetts were fed up with all that "hopey-changey" crap and the Senate seat that was held by Democrat Ted Kennedy for 43 years now seats Republican Scott Brown. Brown handily defeated Martha Coakley in yesterday's election, breaking the democratic strangle hold held by Senate Democrats and seriously damaging hopes for the passage of Obamacare.

The Boston Globe, in a move akin to the Chicago Tribune's errant front page headline "Dewey Defeats Truman" in the 1948 presidential election, jumped the gun and declared Martha Coakley the winner in yesterday’s election…about 10 hours before the polls closed. I guess they just got overly excited and it was just a case of premature election.

My hopes are that Scott Brown's upset win, combined with the clear message that was sent to Washington, D.C., will force the House and Senate career politicians to realize that America is getting fed up with partisan politics and their jobs may well be on the line in the November 2010 elections.

Brown seems to be like a breath of fresh air on the surface, but we'll let time and his actions determine how effective he will be. Then again, if he's got the balls to be the centerfold of the June 1982 edition of Cosmoplitan magazine, shyness may not be a part of his repertoire. We'll see.....

The News As I See It: A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher, and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama said, "Well, yes but technically, that is change." California is about to legalize marijuana. If you thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before.......

New Jersey legalized medical marijuana. Finally, the cast of "Jersey Shore" can get a prescription for something other than penicillin. iPhone has a new app that alerts you if your spouse is trying to read your e-mails and text messages. Experts are calling it a revolutionary product and Tiger Woods is calling it "about two months too late."

Starbucks recently raised the prices on almost all of its popular drinks. A company spokesperson said Starbucks is confident that people will still buy their coffee, because it was already way too expensive before. A new $65 tour called the "L.A. Gang Tour" is being offered in Los Angeles that takes tourists through L.A.’s most dangerous neighborhoods. The gang tour is also known by its other name, "A cab ride from the airport."

This Date In History: 1801; John Marshall was appointed Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court 1841; As a result of the First Opium War, Hong Kong was ceded to the British. 1942; The Nazis formulated their "Final Solution" regarding the Jews at the Wannsee Conference.

1964; The Beatles released their first album in the United States, Meet the Beatles. 1981; President Reagan became the oldest president to take office (69 years and 349 days). 1981; 52 American hostages seized from the American Embassy in Tehran were released after 444 days in captivity.

Picture Of The Day: Without seeming to be too shallow using this graphic, when opportunity knocks, it's a good idea to seize it. Hopefully, the Republican party will be able to take their new opportunity and not only use it to their advantage, but give the American public the same advantage and respect. Maybe if they try to set a better example, the Democrats will follow suit, and, who knows, maybe they'll accomplish something.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. 2) Geez if you believe in honkus. 3) Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead. 4) If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. 5) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: George Burns, actor, comedian 1896, Joy Adamson, writer and conservationist 1910, Federico Fellini, filmmaker 1920, DeForest Kelley, actor 1920, Buzz Aldrin (Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Jr.) American astronaut 1930, David Lynch, filmmaker 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of 30." The second man asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" The first man replied, "You probably could if you took 2 pills."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the unsteady drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the hell is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I'm not real sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As the drunk was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and says, "Hey Buddy, I think your girl friend has gone home."

A drunk is sitting in a bar drunk and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right." Suddenly, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom.

This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about. He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!" The bartender looks down and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on a mop bucket."

That's it for today my little bran muffins. Remember, being "over the hill" is much better than being under it. That said, I'm going to check my pulse and if I have one, I'm heading to AREA 51 for Happy Hour! More on Friday

Stay Tuned !