Monday, September 30, 2013
I must admit that I was strictly a meat and potatoes kid and the only vegetables I liked were potatoes, corn, green beans and, oddly enough, spinach. The mere sight of cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower or asparagus made me wrench. If I entered the house and there was a putrid smell in the air, it meant that Dad was on the toilet or Mom was boiling collard greens (sometimes, it was both).
The fortunate part about my relationship with vegetables came with the help from a few special ladies who introduced me to the particular veggies I wasn't fond of. Their variations on vegetable dishes enlightened me and induced me to try new dishes, most of which I enjoyed. Moreover, I found out that some vegetables have uses I never imagined.
Unfortunately, there are some vegetables that have no use at all in this world namely asparagus and even worse, asparagus served with liver. I can't begin to tell you the horrible ways I got rid of those meals.
The most useful way, and a favor I'll never forget, was my dog Beannie, who learned to catch meat in midair when tossed his way. Interchanging tossing him some liver, then tossing him some asparagus, worked like a charm although the dog face he made as he swallowed the asparagus whole before realizing it tasted like shit was classic.
Still, today I eat most all vegetables prepared in many ways and I'm glad that I do. I'm also grateful to the ladies who showed me the way along those who helped me with the vegetables.....
The News As I See It: O.J. Simpson has been arrested in prison. He was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. Do you get the feeling that O.J.'s not even trying anymore? Here's a guy who got away with murder and now he can't get even steal a couple of cookies. But, to O.J.'s credit, he is vowing to find the real cookie thief.
Simpson says he did not steal the cookies, but he’s writing a book about how he would have done it. Unfortunately, officials may have blown the case when they had him stick his hand in the cookie jar and it wouldn't fit.
The Post Office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, "If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating."
Some people got together and set a new world record in Times Square for twerking. Hah......and still Vladimir Putin says Americans aren't exceptional.
The maker of Barilla pasta is facing criticism after saying that he would not show gay families in his company's ads. The gay community said they would definitely boycott — you know, if they still ate carbs.
This Date In History: 1791; Mozart's opera The Magic Flute premiered in Vienna, Austria. 1927; Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run. The record stood until Roger Maris hit 61 in 1961. Mark McGwire beat Maris's record in 1998 by hitting 70 and Barry Bonds topped this in 2001 with 73.
1938; Britain and France surrendered to Germany's demands concerning the Sudetenland, and signed the Munich Pact. 1946; Twenty-two Nazi leaders were found guilty at the Nuremberg trials. 1949; The Berlin Airlift came to an end. 1955; Actor James Dean was killed in a car crash.
Picture Of The Day: The perfect picture to start off the week.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor. 2) She hated my mixed-tape back in college. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode. 3) A woman drove me to drink.....and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. 4) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 5) My daughter once asked me what marriage was like, so I threw out all her Barbie and Ken dolls, except for Fat Barbie and bald, drunken Ken......and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 30th: You may become trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits this week. You can avoid the panther's attack by simply singing along with Michael Bolton but there's no cure from the lingering effects of Bolton's music.
Birthdays: My beautiful friend Anne and my niece Jennifer - Happy Birthday girls 19XX, Hans Geiger, physicist 1882, David Oistrakh, violinist 1908, Lester Maddox, public official 1915, Truman Capote, novelist 1924, Elie Wiesel, American writer, writing in French 1928, Martina Hingis tennis player 1980.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "his wife is here with his lunch."
A woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.
Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are those puppies you're carrying in there?" Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, "Why yes, yes they are.
She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away, I'll take the one with the pink nose!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pay s the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!
Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" The second bee answered, "Really bad. The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."
The first bee said, "No problem, just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." The second bee replied, "Thanks for the tip" and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" The second bee said, "Great! It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, huge floral arrangements on every table."
The first bee asked, "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" The second bee answered, "That's my yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, never sneer about people who wax their bodies. I had myself waxed "down there" and now my socks slide on real easy.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Friday, September 27, 2013
I am the the oldest of three siblings in my family which can be rewarding or punishing, depending on the situation. Most colleges didn't offer Parenting 101 back in the day and most parents wouldn't subscribe to it anyway. The art of raising a family is usually a mixture of how one is raised by one's own parents and using the same method on your own brood. This method is usually combined with trial and error.
Being the first born, most of the trials and errors were exercised with me being the guinea pig. The fortunate part about ages one through five is that memories are faint and I'm still alive and well, so my parents must have done most things right.
As my brother and then, sister came into being, doting on the only child (me) ceased to exist. Additional siblings created a pecking order which was sometimes good and other times bad. I was handed a responsibility (by default) of being the oldest and therefore the binding obligation to "Keep an eye on my brother and sister."
Thus, if unbeknownst to me, my brother and sister disassembled the refrigerator or broke anything, I bore part of the culpability. By the same token, I was not allowed to use corporal punishment on either of them, an idea generally overlooked and not heeded when it came to my parents doling out punishment to we kids.
While getting a whipping was rare in our family, when it occurred, we were mortified. Generally, if Dad was giving the whipping, the mental anguish was horrible and painful as well. The result, however, was the elimination of the wrongdoing from my choice of future actions.
Mom's whippings were not as as bad, but she chose an old custom handed down over the years from her side of the family. We were sent to find the switch that she would use to whip us.
One's first thought would be to choose a wimpy switch but if the switch didn't meet Mom's expectations, then she would go get her own one. Her choice, of course, bordered between a 2 by 4 or the tree itself (perhaps I exaggerate a bit). Nevertheless, you get the gist.
This is one of the ways I learned to dance. Mom would hold my left arm with her left arm and use the switch with the other. The first bite of the pine switch encouraged me to run and mom (holding my arm) followed, switch still ablaze.
This created a picture that one might see in a square dance and I swear that one day I thought I heard her say, "Allemande left with the old left hand, back to your partner, right and left grande."
Being the oldest had it's rewards as it was usually a source of parent's pride assuming I had watched my proverbial "P's and Q"s that particular day.
Returning to using trial and error as a parental learning method, in retrospect, I find that being strict was overly used on the oldest, not as enforced on my brother and almost non-existent on my sister.
Overall, my parents did a reasonably good job raising us. They made sure we received an education (both scholarly and socially) and we are in good health. We had fun as a family in spite of the normal ups and downs of the times.
Probably the funniest thoughts that occur to me on an almost daily basis is the knowledge that I am becoming my father. That thought makes me very proud.....
The News As I See It: Obama is now making his case for raising the debt limit. He said raising the debt limit does not increase debt. You know, like raising the speed limit does not increase speed.
O.J. Simpson has stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. This time he left a trail of crumbs. Just when you think you know a guy, huh?
A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. I personally recommend eliminating taco night.
Miley Cyrus said she will never twerk again. Miley said there are too many other things she wants to try once and do badly.
In South Carolina, the winner of the latest Powerball lottery has chosen to remain anonymous. However, I'm guessing it's that cashier at Cracker Barrel with the Learjet.
Obama is at the U.N. Everybody's in town. World leaders are coming and going and Obama is briefing all the other leaders on the Kardashian marriages.
A postage stamp costs 46 cents, but they're proposing to raise it to 49 cents. That's only an increase of 3 cents. It doesn't sound like much, but when you multiply it by all the people who send letters, it could bring the post office upwards of $30.
This Date In History: 1540; Pope Paul III approved the charter for the Society of Jesus (Jesuits), founded by St. Ignatius Loyola. 1939; Warsaw, Poland, was surrendered to the Nazis after weeks of resistance. 1959; Typhoon Vera battered the Japanese island of Honshu, killing almost 5,000 people.
1964; The Warren Commission report concluded that there was no conspiracy in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy; Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. 1998; Mark McGwire hit his record-setting 69th and 70th home runs in the last game of the regular season.
Picture Of The Day: The Sullivan clan.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My cat was dreaming last night. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him, I think he was fighting off a Korean Chef. 2) How can I be sure I've succeeded if I can't remember what I was trying to do? 3) A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set. 4) The waiter, I mean barrista said, "It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh." I said, "Ok, got it doo-shah." 5) I saw a kid yell at his dad at the shopping mall and say, "No way, you jerk!" I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 13.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 27th: Shallow puddles may deceive you today. You may hear good news today from an excitable old lady who may turn out to have had a few drinks too many. Keep your distance, she may be trouble. On the other hand, if it's late and the night has been slow......
Birthdays: One of my favorite sweethearts Linda - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Cosimo de' Medici, merchant prince 1389, Samuel Adams, political leader in the American Revolution, signer of the Declaration of Independence 1722, Alfred Thayer Mahan, naval historian 1840, Thomas Nast, caricaturist 1840, Vincent Youmans, composer 1898, Gwyneth Paltrow, actress 1972.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A phenomena known as "women's intuition" a sixth sense if you will, is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?
In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly un-connectable pieces. That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower.
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. The husband explained, "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship."
He went on to say, "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy relied, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
That's it for today, my little mighty mice. Remember,don't cry because it's over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a fantastic weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I know that this is not news for most of you, but I abhor and loathe politicians. With the numerous cable news shows, along with the major networks, there are many platforms from which stupid politicians can parrot their particular views of how things should be.
Bear in mind that news is a 24/7/365 industry and there are just so many ways you can report a story. That is, unless it benefits your cause or way of thinking. Politically left leaning or right leaning news shows often describe the same incident differently. For the most part, this occurs because of who happens to butter their bread.
Parroting phrases normally indicates to me that that the politician is a band wagon rider and not a leader. Probably the most annoying catch-phrase I've heard over the past few years was "Kick the can down the road." This thought can be made in many ways, yet, the typical politician often falls back on a sure thing rather than show his ignorance or inability to speak.
Another source of irritation for me, especially in the House of Representatives, is Gerrymandering. This is when an area is cut up to form a precinct or district that is conducive to certain sects or followers. Inevitably, the representatives from some of these areas are borderline illiterate. While unfortunate, ofttimes this is the only representation an area can get.
Sometimes, especially when someone makes a stupid statement, I find myself yelling at the TV in anger. I do, however, make a mental note to control my outbursts over things I cannot change......at least until they put me in a home.
The News As I See It: Tonight AMC will begin airing a "Breaking Bad" marathon that will show every episode of the show leading up to Sunday's series finale. It ends with Walter White dying in a hospital waiting room while filling out all the paperwork for Obamacare.
Breaking Bad won the Emmy for best drama. When they won, they thanked their agents, families and of course, the makers of Sudafed. The ratings for Breaking Bad have skyrocketed and so has the number of high school kids now taking chemistry.
Sunday is the last episode of "Breaking Bad." So from now on, if you want to see psychotic murderers attack each other on Sunday, you will have to watch the NFL.
At the U.N. this week, Obama gave a big speech on the Middle East. The leaders from the Middle East said, "You have touched our hearts, and from now on we shall have peace." Obama said, "Really?" and they said, "No, but the look on your face was priceless."
Obama also met with the president of Nigeria, who advised Obama to eliminate America's debt by sending out fraudulent emails.
Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.
White House officials insist that Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal. They said because there was an investigation underway it would have been inappropriate to tell him. Besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about this.
So, Obama didn't know about Benghazi, didn't know about the IRS scandal and didn't know about the AP scandal. Do you know what this means? They took "don't ask, don't tell" out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House.
The NBA is considering introducing jerseys with players' nicknames rather than their last names. Players like the nickname jersey because it's easier for fans to relate to them and harder for women looking for child support to find them.
Britney Spears has signed a two-year deal to perform at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. If you go to Vegas you don’t want to miss that show. They say seeing Britney in concert is the closest thing to seeing her sing live.
Home Depot announced that that it will cut health insurance for its part-time workers because of Obamacare. Home Depot's CEO said he had a hard time breaking the news to employees. That's because it took him three hours to find one.
This Date In History: 1775; Ethan Allen was captured by the British. 1789; The first Congress adopted 12 amendments to the Constitution and sent them to the states for ratification. The first ten became the Bill of Rights.
1890; Wilford Woodruff, president of the Mormon church, renounced the practice of polygamy. This paved the way for Utah's acceptance as a state in 1896. 1981; Sandra Day O'Connor was sworn in as the first female justice on the Supreme Court.
2003; It was reported that more than 14,000 had lost their lives in France in a summer heat wave. 2011; King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia grants women the right to vote and run for office in future elections.
Picture Of The Day: This woman is the epitome of ignorance
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I used to call my ex-wife "Hun." She thought it was short for "honey." It was short for short for "Attila." 2) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead. 3) The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over. 4) I think God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a disappointment. 5) When I was little and bad, my father used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 25th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it.
Birthdays: My Mom - Happy Birthday in Heaven! 19XX, My pal Wally - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Claude Perrault, architect, scientist and physician 1613, William Faulkner, American novelist 1897, Mark Rothko, painter 1903, Dmitri Shostakovich, composer 1906, Sir Colin Davis, conductor 1927, Barbara Walters, TV commentator 1931, Glenn Gould, pianist and composer 1932, Michael Douglas, actor 1944, Christopher Reeve, actor, director 1952, Heather Locklear, actress 1961, Catherine Zeta-Jones, actress 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, In-laws."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs." The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Syria either."
A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.
In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny from the bedroom and placed it over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."
That's it for today, my little lotus blossoms. Remember, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're obligated to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo. I'm going to mosey over to AREA 51 for happy hour. It's been a while since I've moseyed.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Monday, September 23, 2013
In my early years, the Miami River was abundant with life, including manatees, otters, alligators, a variety of bird life and, of course, many species of freshwater and salt water fish. I boated, fished and swam in the river and it was a large part of my teenage years.
By the time I became aware of what man can do to a pristine environment, the river, which once had rapids and falls near the mouth, had long since been dammed and dredged, ostensibly for proposed river traffic which never came into being.
|Early 1900 photo of the Miami River rapids. While not as scenic as some natural world wonders, it was part of the original river before man decided to change its course and, in turn, its destiny.|
The mouth of the Miami River empties into Biscayne Bay and although it is now surrounded by high rise office buildings, the once peaceful and serene river has been reduced to a proverbial intersection of river and bay.
|The mouth of the Miami River circa 1900|
Five stories tall with a sixth-floor salon, the Royal Palm Hotel featured the city's first electric lights, elevators and swimming pool. Almost thirty years later, The Royal Palm Hotel was grievously damaged by the 1926 hurricane and in 1930, it was condemned and torn down.
But the damage done to the river itself continued and a lot of the wildlife that once enjoyed the banks of the river are rarely seen. I especially regret not seeing the playful otters which were a source of constant entertainment. Alas, their numbers dwindled and unless you went deep into the Everglades, I rarely saw them.
Later, in my early twenties, I recall fishing along Alligator Alley while the road was under construction. I was casting for bass from a mound above the canal and happened to see an otter swimming down the middle of the canal.
As it swam by, the otter noticed me but continued to swim down the canal. Then, I heard some rustling in the underbrush along side the canal and although there were quite a few alligators nearby, I guessed it was the otter.
Sure enough, the curious creature scrambled up the banking, then walked along the path to within five feet of me. I smiled as he stopped, took a good look at me, then turned and walked away. I heard him splash as he returned to the canal and I didn't see him again. Still, it was nice to see an otter again, enjoying the peace and quiet of the 'Glades.
The News As I See It: Scientists have discovered a rare species of legless lizards. They say they shouldn't be confused that with spineless snakes. Those are called Obama and Congress.
Americans have viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke.
Disturbing news for California. Californians have more unplanned pregnancies than any other state. Of course, keep in mind that California has many more NBA teams than any other state.
USA Today had a front-page feature on the new healthcare law. It said that the opposition to Obamacare at an all-time high. It has gotten so bad that the president is now calling it "Bidencare."
Anthony Weiner did not exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, the press was taunting him and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger.
Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner lost their races for comptroller and mayor, respectively. So that means that Mayor Bloomberg goes back to being New York City's biggest embarrassment.
The Discovery Channel said that plants have a way of signaling danger to each other. When there's danger, the plant releases a gas that other plants can sense. Well, here is my question. What good is a plant warning another plant about danger? What's the other plant supposed to do, run?
This Date In History: 1779; John Paul Jones declared "I have not yet begun to fight!" aboard the American warship Bonhomme Richard in the battle against the British man-of-war Serapis. 1806; After a three-year journey to the Pacific Northwest, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis.
1846; German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune. 1939; Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, died in London. 1952; Vice presidential candidate Richard Nixon delivered his "Checkers speech" rebutting charges of improper campaign financing.
1973; Former Argentine president Juan Perón returned to power. 2011; Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas officially requests a bid for statehood at the UN Security Council.
Picture Of The Day: If I were to ask for a memory to be recreated, this picture was almost exactly the reaction of the otter that was swimming in the Alligator Alley canal when he noticed me. Curiosity, defined.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Kinky is when you bring a feather to use while having sex. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken. 2) I played the word "mature" in a game of Scrabble. Then, my friend played "immature" and got the Triple Word Score, so I flipped the board over. 3) I saw a large bear eating a big lunch from the dumpster at Taco Bell. Then he ran off into the woods, ostensibly to prove a point. 4) One of the reasons I don't like family get-togethers is that I inevitably get cornered by an aunt or uncle and they say, "I remember the first time I saw you. You were 2 months old. Let me catch you up on my medical history." 5) Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 23rd: The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days. Wood may be lucky for you this week.
Birthdays: Euripides, Greek tragic dramatist, ranking with Aeschylus and Sophocles 480 or 485 B.C., Augustus Roman, emperor 63 B.C., William Holmes McGuffey, educator 1800, Mary Eliza Church Terrell, activist 1863, Walter Lippmann, essayist and editor 1889 Harriet Hardy, physician 1906, Mickey Rooney, actor 1920, John Coltrane, jazz musician 1926, Ray Charles, musician 1930, Bruce Springsteen, singer 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Jewish man goes into a confession box and says, "Father O’Malley, my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."
Father O'Malley replied, "Oh my, Mr. Cohen, this is a Catholic church. I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" Mr. Cohen says, "Are you kidding? At my age, I’m telling everybody!"
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady, a bit deaf, added, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him and he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Canada, sir."
The manager asked, "Why did you leave Canada?" The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing in Canada but whores and hockey players." The manager said, "My wife is from Canada." The boy replied, "No shit? What team did she play for?"
A man's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. The child approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The tyke answered, "Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."
That's it for today, my little kits. Remember, if you don't have the energy to walk a mile in someone's shoes, it's okay to go ahead and judge them.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !