Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm Making My Plans For The New Years Eve Party - Step One: Gather Breadcrumbs !

I'm in the process of outlining my New Years Eve schedule, knowing full well that it will probably change. Like the puppy who rolls over on his back and shows you his belly when you pet him, I'm easily swayed once the evening begins. Ostensibly, I'll be heading to AREA 51 for the New Years Eve party but I my ship has changed course many times in the past and there's no reason to assume it wont happen again.

Although it's rare, there have been some party nights that I ended up flying to the Bahamas on a whim and on another occasion, I woke up in a suite in Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. How we ended up in Vegas is still a little vague, but I was assured by my lady friend that I had a great time.

Of course, I was a little younger then and in those days, my body and mind worked as a team. Nowadays, my mind occasionally has a great idea but my body sometimes refuses to comply. When my mind sends a command to the get up and go center, it finds that the department head has got up and went.

Nevertheless, my body and mind still occasionally work together and I'm looking forward to New Years Eve.

The News As I See It: My guess is that Tiger Woods is ecstatic that the world's attention is on Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the bumbling underwear bomber. In a way it's a similar story as Tiger's underwear is still smoldering as well.

This Date In History: 1853; The United States bought some 45,000 sq mi of land from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase. 1911; Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China. 1922; The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was established through the confederation of Russia, Byelorussia, Ukraine, and Transcaucasian Federation.

1940; California's first freeway opened. 1972; President Nixon halted the heavy bombing on North Vietnam. 1993; Israel and the Vatican signed an agreement of mutual recognition to put an end to Jewish-Christian hostilities.

Picture Of The Day: It's drawing close to the New Year 2010 and I'd like to wish all of my family, friends and readers a very happy and prosperous new year. As I put the finishing touches on today's entry, I can't help remembering all the good times and fun I've had over many past new year's eves. Hell, the only real regret I have is that if I'd have known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I were to ever work as a grocery store cashier at the 10 items or less lane, the first thing I would say to that shopper who always has more than items than allowed, "Which 10 items would you like to purchase?" 2) I wonder what happens if you get scared half to death twice? 3) Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 4) Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks 5) You read about the Nigerian Underwear Bomber and other terrorists. Most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster. You are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.....and that's five !

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a "drop off" and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.

Birthdays: Rudyard Kipling, British Author 1865, Alfred E. Smith, political leader 1873, Paul Bowles, writer and composer 1910, Jack Lord, actor 1920, Bo Diddley, singer, guitarist, and songwriter 1928, Sandy Koufax, baseball player 1935, Jeff Lynne, singer and songwriter, and music producer 1947, Tracey Ullman, comedian, actor, singer 1959, Tiger Woods, golfer 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

There were twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to take the pictures of them. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He said we have to sit on the sofa."

The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." Again, the hard of hearing twin asked, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "We have to sit closer together." They wiggled up close to each other. The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." Yet again, the hard of hearing twin said, "What did he say?" Her sister replied, "He says he's going to focus." The hard of hearing twin exclaimed, "Oh my God, both of us?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night patiently waiting for her date. She leaned over in her chair to get her mirror from her purse and accidentally farted quite loudly just as the waiter walked up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and said, "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

A New York attorney stopped by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" The waitress said, "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."

The waitress continued, "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, the attorney says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?"

That's it for today my little peanut butter cups. Remember, snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Have a safe and Happy New Year and more on Friday

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 28, 2009

Perhaps I Should Have Said " More On Monday * "

I normally end my blog with the phrase "More on _____ (weekday)." I now realize that the phrase should have an asterisk, i.e., "More on Monday* "

* Assuming that the author did not hook up with an old friend on what seemed to be an 11 am, non-paying, meeting with a non-English speaking client for the sole purpose of aiding said friend and translating the dialogue."

** Come to think of it, there should be an additional double asterisk explaining what actually occurred in said meeting. In this particular instance, after a two hour "freebie conference", my friend suggested we have lunch.

We went to a local watering hole and ordered lunch. In no particular order and within two hours entered: A very dear real estate friend of 30 years and his co-worker ( last seen five years ago); My family doctor of 30 years and his lady friend; Another close friend (last seen 45 days ago); an old real estate associate (last seen 20 days ago) and most importantly, an intriguingly attractive female bartender I'll call Miss M.....

In my humble opinion, no further explanation is necessary as most of you know me and for those don't, use your imagination. Four scotches later and after a nice nap, I am now making my Monday* entry.......

I'm befuddled when I hear the words "eye witnesses" use to recount their stories while interviewed on television. Take the case of the Nigerian piece of shit identified as Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab, who attempted to blow up Northwest Airlines Flight 253 from Amsterdam. A young woman passenger on that flight was explaining what she saw and heard and said, "I smelled smoke and saw a 'gentleman' who was grabbed by passengers when he tried to ignite........"

A "gentleman?" Nay, fair maiden, no gentleman would act in such an animalistic manner! Such is the act of an ignorant heathen whose probable existence could only be possible if his mother was bred with a common jackal. Although the young woman was probably not an experienced speaker, it is quite common for the average person to parrot "politically correct" television reporters that they hear on television.

I'm also troubled by the fact that the terrorist Mutallab was able to board two different airplanes without being thoroughly checked for any explosive or incendiary device. Moreover, I'm extremely troubled that Mutallab was issued an American Visa while, at the same time, being on a watch list of known or suspected terrorists.

The only way to isolate these assholes is profiling. This may or may not further delay or offend the people who fit the profile and cause possible friction. At the same time, the flying public is fed up with having to remove their shoes, limit what they can or cannot take with them and spend hour upon hour in delays and inspections, all caused by terrorists. It is better to isolate and delay people identified by profiling than to isolate and delay the entire flying public.

White House Press secretary Robert Gibbs in a CNN interview Sunday stated that there are tens of thousands of people on that watch list data bank and it is difficult to monitor. Hmmm...Bank of America has millions of people in its data bank and you can access your account online, deposit a check at any ATM and spend the money within five minutes. You can also be denied credit within the same five minutes. Maybe the government should use Bank of America to screen passengers.

To My Perfect Martini: Hace tiempo no te veo, mi amor. Tenemos que salir!

The News As I See It: Congratulations to Indianapolis coach Jim Caldwell and president Bill Polian, who, in their infinite wisdom, colluded to pull starting quarterback Peyton Manning and other starters from the Colts-N.Y. Jets football game on Sunday, effectively denying the team's chance to make football history by having an undefeated season. It is one of the few times a home team has been booed off the field.

The winter blizzard that hit Washington is a big story. It actually paralyzed Washington more than Joe Lieberman. In fact, there was so much white powder in D.C., people thought Marion Barry was mayor again.

This Date In History: 1065; Westminster Abbey consecrated. 1832; John C. Calhoun became the first vice president in U.S. history to resign from office. 1846; Iowa became the 29th state in the United States. 1869; William F. Semple patented chewing gum.

1895; The Lumiere Brothers gave the first commercial movie show at the Grand Cafe in Paris. 1937; Composer Maurice Ravel died in Paris at age 62. 1945; Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance. 1981; Elizabeth Jordan Carr, the first American test-tube baby, was born in Norfolk, Virginia.

Picture Of The Day: With all due respect, I gathered as many pics that my feeble little mind could find that were somewhat pertinent to today's rambling post.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got what I wanted for Christmas. Balloon Boy's dad is going to jail. 2) A friend of mind who was temporarily incapacitated once asked, "I need you to be my eyes and ears." I told him, "Ok, if you can be my liver and prostate." 3) I have come to the conclusion that "on the cusp" has nothing to do with astrology. In actuality, and not being overly specific, it refers to that period of time that, for the fifth time in two hours and after completely perusing two newspapers, one patiently awaits a nagging reminder from one's bodily warning system, that a bowel movement is in order, but has yet come to "pass." 4) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 5) The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States 1856, Earl "Fatha" Hines, jazz pianist 1903, Stan Lee, writer, editor 1922, Simon Raven, writer 1927, Dame Maggie Smith, actress 1934, Denzel Washington, actor 1954, Ray Bourque, hockey player 1960, Linus Torvalds, computer scientist 1969, John Legend, singer, songwriter, pianist 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Joe for his contribution to today's stories.

A week after their marriage, the country newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor. The husband said, "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried. My testicles are turning blue." The doctor said, "That's pretty unusual, let me examine you." The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the husband's testicles are blue.

The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" The wife said, "Yes, I am." The doctor asked, "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" The wife replied, "Grape."

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. Biff was going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. Tyrone was going into the 10th grade for the 3rd time. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

Biff went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked the dusty caravan, Men on camels, two by two, Destination---Timbuktu." The audience went wild!

The clock started again and Tyrone sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-clubbin' went, Met three girls in a tenement, They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

How Smart Is Your Right Foot? This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

That's it for today my little carrot sticks. Remember, in preparation for New Year's Eve, a fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. More on Monday

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas And Happy Holidays !

One of the coolest things about Christmas Eve in Miami is that the Cubans and many other Latins celebrate "Noche Buena." Traditionally, it's a an evening where families and friends get together in anticipation of twelve o'clock midnight and the beginning of Christmas day. It is also an event where roasted pork (lechon), yucca con mojo, black beans and rice and other fantastic dishes make up the evening fare.

I was fortunate to join my pals Hector and Lourdes and their families last evening and the dinner was fantastic. We enjoyed drinks at their poolside bar and chatted until the dinner was close to being ready and later, everyone jumped into action to assist in the final preparations. Roasted pork is one of the few foods that I can continue eating even though my stomach protests that there is no more room.

It was a pleasant evening and everyone enjoyed the Christmas Eve dinner. I actually got home at a respectable 12:30 am.

My sincere wishes for a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays go out to all my family, friends and readers. May your day be healthy and prosperous.

The News As I See It: There is no Nativity Scene in Washington, D.C. this year! This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in D.C. and the search for a virgin also continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. A new survey in Britain found that seven percent of people plan on taking a sick day from work during the holiday season due to party-related hangovers. Meanwhile, the other 93 percent will just go to work plastered.

President Obama's daughter, Sasha, says that she already bought her dad’s gift. She won’t say what it is but she did say, "It’s something he likes." I wonder how an 8-year-old got her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights? Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The truth is that 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney.

This Date In History: 1066; William the Conqueror was crowned King of England. 1776; George Washington crossed the Delaware River and surprised the Hessians. 1868; President Andrew Johnson granted an unconditional pardon to all persons involved in the Southern rebellion that resulted in the Civil War.

1926; Hirohito became emperor of Japan. 1977; British film actor, director, and producer Charlie Chaplin died in Switzerland at age 88. 1989; Former Romanian president Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife were executed. 1991; President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned following the disintegration of the Soviet Union.

Picture Of The Day: Since Christmas Day is very much a fantasy for children (and most adults), I though I'd enlist the aid of some of my favorite cartoon pals to assist me with the graphics today. I hope you enjoy them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells. 2) One of my lady friends wanted me to go Christmas shopping with her yesterday. I really hate crowds of crazy shoppers so I just dropped her off at the mall with a GPS. 3) Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. 4) Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. 5) Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Clara Barton, American Red Cross founder 1821, Helena Rubinstein, cosmetics executive 1870, Conrad Hilton, business 1887, Robert L. Ripley, cartoonist 1893, Humphrey Bogart, actor 1899, Cab Calloway, band leader 1907, Anwar al-Sadat, Egyptian political leader and President 1918, Jimmy Buffett, musician 1946, Barbara Mandrell, country musician 1948 Sissy Spacek, actress 1949, Dido, singer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Murray Lipschitz went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, Mrs. Lipschitz awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Murray picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. His mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. Mrs. Lipschitz said, ''What are we going to do?'' Murray said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Everyone was seated around the table as the Christmas Dinner was being served. When little Tommy received his plate, he started eating right away. His mother admonished, "Tommy, wait until we say our prayer," Little Tommy said, "I don't have to."

His mother insisted, "Of course you do, we always say a prayer before eating at our house." Little Tommy said, "That's at our house, but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" Her mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. Her father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" Her mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

That's it for today my little snow angels. Remember, if you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

It's The Last Hump Day Before Christmas - Do You Know Where Your Bartender Is?

It's becoming more evident every day that members of the U.S. House of Representatives and the U.S. Senate are incompetent liars, thieves and whores whose sole purpose seems to be "what's in it for me?" Regardless of if you are "for" or "against" Obamacare, the fact of the matter is that the sole purpose of lawmakers is to vote solely based on party lines. The result is a body divided that has been unable to effect any new laws that would make the lives of Americans better, especially during one of the nation's most difficult economic periods.

Two shining examples of the "whore of the month club" are Senator Ben Nelson (D-Nebraska) and Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) whose recent flip-flops on Obamacare are an indication of their morals and dignity.

Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson turned out to be the clinching vote on Obamacare for the Democrats, but his flip-flop came only after his state was exempted from ever having to pay for its share of the expanding costs of Medicaid. And now thanks to this outrageous backroom deal, the federal government will have to foot the bill, which means you, the taxpayer, get to foot the bill.

As for Senator Mary Landrieu, on page 432 of the bill that Senator Harry Reid drafted and sponsored, there is a section increasing federal Medicaid subsidies for "certain states recovering from a major disaster." The section spends two pages defining which "states" would qualify, saying, among other things, that it would be states that “during the preceding 7 fiscal years” have been declared a "major disaster area."

The section applies to exactly one state: Louisiana, the home of moderate Landrieu, who has been playing hard to get on the health care bill. In other words, the bill spends two pages describing would could be written with a single world: Louisiana. (This may also help explain why the bill is long.)

Senator Harry Reid cannot pass it without the support of Louisiana’s Mary Landrieu. How much does it cost? According to the Congressional Budget Office: $300 million. Who pays for this? You, the taxpayer!

Imagine this type of political prostitution in the other 48 states and you get an idea of why America needs a three party system which would help insure that a 2/3 majority vote would effectively pass legislation for the betterment of its citizens. In any case, the 2010 elections are coming and methinks that a lot of states are rethinking the Messiah's message of "hope and change" and some politicians may find themselves in the nation's 10% plus unemployment lines.

The News As I See It: The Senate's healthcare bill is expected to pass on Christmas Eve. The healthcare overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or as Wal-Mart calls them, "employees." Senator Harry Reid (D) said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes.

President Obozo said the federal government can no longer spend taxpayers’ money like it is monopoly money. Especially since monopoly money is now more valuable than the dollar. Even if that's true, how come all those guys on Wall Street got "get out of jail free" cards? Obozo and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obozo says they used to, but she got tired of Barry promising big things and not delivering.

Last weekend, the U.S. transferred twelve Guantanamo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. That’s like dropping Roman Polanski off at a Jonas Brothers concert.

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia. 1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.

1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley. 1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed. 1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.

Picture Of The Day: Santa Claus is coming to town and today's theme is obviously Christmas. I especially like the details of each picture which, by the way, can be found by searching "Free Christmas Wallpaper" on your browser. The make excellent screen savers and wallpaper.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned as Tiger Woods will soon learn. Reports say that his wife is going after half of his assets which are close to one billion dollars. 2) I wonder if reading in the bathroom is considered multi-tasking? 3) Have you ever wondered how much can you can get away with and still go to heaven? 4) One of my lady friends invited me to a gathering of clairvoyants but when we got there, it was canceled due to unforeseen events. 5) A woman once told me that her philosophy about life was that if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My Brother Kirt - Happy Birthday Bro! 19XX, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actor 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Old Mr. Johnson was invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his wife that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that his wife would probably wake up and he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible day of incessant harassment.

The next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better. She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. He said, "Why is that?" His wife replied, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh shit," cuckooed 3 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 6 times and then farted."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you! She will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them."She will never have a headache and will freely make mad, passionate love with you whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Later that day, God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied, "God, what is a kiss?" God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What's next?" God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her." Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"

That's it for today my little sleigh belles. Remember, it's the last Hump Day before Christmas and I'll probably head over to AREA 51 for some Christmas cheer. Have a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday! More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 21, 2009

A Friday Night Surprise Birthday Party For An Old Friend

I went to a surprise birthday party for an old friend Friday night and I couldn't expound too much on the subject because of the possibility of alerting the guest of honor. The party was for my pal, Bob, who, beside being an old friend, was the first (and only) real estate broker I worked for before opening my own real estate company.

One of the main reasons I enjoyed working in Bob's office was the numerous friends that were also licensed with the company. Our office was well known in real estate circles and we actively participated in political and social arenas. Although we worked hard, we played hard as well and some of the antics and pranks that went on are legendary.

The party was hosted by Bob's nieces, Tamara and Kelly, who I have known since they were children. Aided by their respective spouses, children and friends, the party was a blast and Bob was clueless until his arrival. Held at Kelly's beautiful home on 2.5 acres, the theme was a good ole country barbecue and the fare was barbecued chicken with all the imaginable side dishes.

I went to the party with two of my special friends, Jim and Sarah, and most of the people at the party were old friends and co-workers from days gone by. Some of the people I had not seen in years and nostalgia was a prominent part of the party. A very nice open bar and a karaoke DJ led to performances by many of the party goers, including myself. I did not bring my camera to the party but there were many cameras there and I was able to obtain a few for your dining and dancing pleasure.

One of the more interesting things was to see that the "children" of my old friends had teenage and grown children and I spent half the evening flabbergasted that some of these "children" were in their late thirties and early forties. Mentally, this phenomenon made no sense to me as I am sure that I'm only 39 years old and have been for some years. Chronologically, however, it made perfect sense.

The News As I See It: The "Blizzard of 09" went charging through the northeast this weekend, closing many airports and roads, cancelling many flights and causing numerous car crashes. It virtually shut down Washington, D.C. When it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can’t get anything done...sort of like when it’s not snowing. One of the biggest emergencies occurred when medics had to help Vice President Joe Biden get his tongue unstuck from a flagpole.

A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obozo’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there. Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he’s spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man’s fantasy life, to living every man’s real life. The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods’ wife has decided to divorce him. Apparently, she realized that once she’s single she’ll have a better chance of sleeping with Tiger Woods.

The Obozo Administration announced today that the Shinnecock Indians on Long Island will be federally recognized, which means they can now build a casino in New York City. The White House recognized them as an official tribe after meeting with the four tribal leaders, Fat Tony, Louie the Barber, Crazy Sal, and Paulie Two Times, members of the Gambino tribe, indigenous people to the area.

And finally, I have found out how much Christmas wrapping paper is on the average roll....four inches less than I need.

This Date In History: 1620; The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts. 1891; The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played. 1898; Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium.

1913; The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World. 1937; Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered. 1970; Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House. 1988; A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people.

1991; Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. 1995; Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.

Picture Of The Day: The featured picture was taken almost thirty years ago at Steamboat Springs, Colorado. We had just flown into the airport there and the picture was taken on the tarmac. Our group was called The Hialeah Ski Group and soon gained notoriety for the great parties and subsequent stories and tales. Most of the people in the picture attended Bob's Friday night birthday party.

From top to bottom: 1) Hialeah Ski Club in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. 2) My ex-wife and I in Steamboat Springs. 3) Nieces and hostesses, Tamara and Kelly. 4) Birthday boy, Bob, with Kelly leading the group in the "Happy Birthday" song. 5) Tamara and Kelly with cousin John. 6) Yours truly dancing with my pal, Judy. 7) (L-R) My pal and secretary in the early real estate years, Miriam, and my sweet pal, Sarah.

I'm sure that there will be more party pictures surfacing in the coming days and hopefully, I won't have to buy any of them back.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. 2) I'll be honest with you, a lot of today's jokes have been re-gifted. 3) The National Football League is asking it's players to donate their brains to medicine, ostensibly to study the effects of head collisions. The only thing that could possibly be funnier than that is if The National Basketball Association asks its players to donate their brains to study their lack of ability to conjugate verbs, specifically, "I am", and to pronounce the word "ask.". 4) When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you "put your two cents in", what happens to the other penny? 5) At Friday's party, I ran into an old friend who told me that he broke his leg in two places. I told him to quit going to those places.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Joseph Stalin, Soviet Communist Leader 1879, Josh Gibson, baseball player 1911, Jane Fonda, actress 1937, Frank Zappa, rock musician, composer, and pianist 1940, Samuel L. Jackson, actor 1948, Chris Evert, tennis player 1954, Ray Romano, comedian, actor 1957, Florence Griffith-Joyner, sprinter 1959, Kiefer Sutherland, actor 1966, Julie Delpy, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

The biker asks her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yeah, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in "the act". Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride!"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, continues. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. Johnny said, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree and when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, ham and eggs are a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !