Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything, except office. I find this amusing. Celebrities do the same thing when they screw up. The amazing thing is that they always come up with a dimwitted excuse and, amazingly, they often escape serious punishment.

They say they're going into rehab or they found God or make some ridiculous excuse for their actions. Most people see through the shams and recognize a liar when they see one. Some people don't.

Most of us realize that if we were in their boots, our asses would be sent up the river so quickly, there wouldn't even be time to look for a paddle.

And, man oh man, do they desert their friends when the caca hits the oscillator. Anthony Weiner's wife, Huma Abedin, is now laying low and has taken a temporary leave from working for Hillary Clinton.

This is because Clinton's worried about her 2016 presidential campaign and she's in enough horse manure as it is. She definitely doesn't want to be associated with a Weiner. The ghost of Monica Lewinsky still hovers over her.

Anthony Weiner, also known as "Carlos Danger" still won't quit the New York City mayoral race. His recent antics have dropped him into last place. Once an ass, always an ass.....

 The News As I See It: Things are not looking good for former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez. It looks like he may spend the rest of his life in jail. On the plus side, Hernandez says he's looking forward to playing on the prison football team under coach Whitey Bulger.

Speaking of prison, OJ Simpson is supposedly up to around 300 pounds. In fact, OJ is now the leading cause of prison overcrowding. He's so fat, he’s asking for the death penalty just so he can get the last meal.

Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger who recently turned 66 years old. It was an odd celebration. Arnold didn't really get excited until after the party when the maids came to clean up.

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

Pope Francis said he will not judge priests who are gay. That must have been some trip to Rio. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, "What am I supposed to do? He's president."

This Date In History: 1498; Columbus arrived at the island of Trinidad. 1777; The Marquis de Lafayette became a major-general in the American Continental Army. 1790; The first U.S. patent was issued to Samuel Hopkins of Vermont for a process of making fertilizer.

1875; Andrew Johnson, the 17th president of the United States, died in Tennessee. 1954; Mount Godwin-Austen (K2), the world's second-highest peak, was climbed for the first time, by an Italian team led by Ardito Desio. 1964; The U.S. space probe Ranger 7 transmitted pictures of the Moon’s surface.

Picture Of The Day: A mother giraffe gives a little love to her baby....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I bought my girlfriend a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. 2) Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years. 3) Did you know that deer live an average of 15 years in the wild, but can live up to 87 in a condominium? 4) Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car. 5) I once dated a girl who I felt had ulterior motives. I'm not saying she a gold digger, but she had a helmet with a flashlight on it and a pick axe.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - July 31st: A potential mate will come to you today and will affect your self confidence. Bizarrely, you will attempt a counter-strike by sharpening your pencils.

Birthdays: S. S. Kresge, merchant, philanthropist 1867, Jean Dubuffet, painter and sculptor 1901, Milton Friedman, economist 1912, Whitney M. Young, Jr. social reformer 1921, Wesley Snipes, actor, producer 1962, J. K. Rowling, writer 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Russ and Sam met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ.

One day,Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him. Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?" Russ replied, "I have been in jail." Sam cried, "Jail? What in the world for?"

Russ said, "You know Sue,that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go?" Sam said, 'Yeah, I remember her. What about her?" Russ said, "She filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then nudges him in the ribs saying, "Hey man, I think your girlfriend has gone home."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young man is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. He goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club. He gets to the club and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women.

He pulls the old guy aside and asked, "Man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, "I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks." The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again.

The next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course by beautiful women.

That night, he finds the old man again and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip, "Next time son, put the socks in the front of your trunks.

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f**king lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!" (He never even had a chance to duck.)

A lawyer, an illegal alien, a pathological liar, a Muslim, a Communist and a black guy walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

That's it for today, my little kitty cats. Remember, the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser is depth perception. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, July 29, 2013

The Wizard Of Obamoz - Phony Scandals? Really?

Monday's White House update has been released by that obnoxious little munchkin with the glasses:

Good Morning: Blah blah blah, phony scandals, blah blah blah, phony scandals, blah blah blah, phony scandals and finally, phony scandals. Pay no attention to the black man behind the curtain. Phony scandals, yadda yadda yadda.

And now, we take you to, a press conference with the president of the United States:

"Good afternoon, I'd like to talk to you today about, blah blah blah and yadda yadda yadda. Then, I'll take a few questions by my preselected lackeys who will ask a number of inane, non intrusive questions. Blah blah plah, phony scandals! Further more, blah blah blah, phony scandals, yadda yadda yadda. Any questions?"

Reporter Dorothy from Kansas: Mr. Obamoz, specifically which scandals are phony?" Benghazzi? The IRS targeting conservative and pro-Israel groups prior to the 2012 election? The Justice Department suggesting that Fox News reporter James Rosen was a criminal for reporting about classified information? Fast and Furious? Atty General Eric Holder's pending contempt of congress prosecution? The General Services Administration's $825,000 spending spree? Solyndra?"

The News As I See It: In his current speeches about the economy, Obama say we're all distracted by phony scandals. It’s time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery.

Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. That's not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They're called campaign promises.

The Lincoln Memorial was vandalized. Somebody snuck in the Lincoln Memorial and threw green paint all over Lincoln. How is that possible? I mean, 148 years later and this guy still can't get any security?

Anthony Wiener's campaign has hit a snag. The first survey since his recent scandal found he is now second place in the race for New York City mayor. The guy in third said, "Are you kidding me? What do I gotta do?"

Obama has got a big retreat coming up. He invited all his Cabinet members to Camp David. Unfortunately, Joe Biden couldn't make the retreat because he's in Asia. That's because Obama told him the retreat was in Asia.

A big movie just opened called "Wolverine." Hugh Jackman is a guy with sharp nails who'll tear apart any man who crosses his path. I'm not real sure what he does in the movie.
"So I says to him, 'Hey, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck'....."

This Date In History: 1890; Artist Vincent van Gogh died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Auvers, France. 1958; President Eisenhower signed the congressional act that created the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was authorized by Congress.

1968; In Humanae Vitae (of Human Life), Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Catholic Church's prohibition on artificial methods of birth control. 1981; Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, married Lady Diana Spencer.

2003; Red Sox switch hitter Bill Mueller became the first baseball player to hit grand slam home runs from both sides of the plate in the same game.

Picture Of The Day: This picture and the succeding picture were taken in the Kingdom of Bhutan, a landlocked state in South Asia located at the eastern end of the Himalayas. Photographer unknown.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction. 2) When a woman says, "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now", just wait 3 seconds. 3) Jehovah Witnesses keep coming to my house, so now I answer the door naked. 4) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels! 5) I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes, I hand them a photo of me and walk away......and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - July 29th: When taking out the trash, remember that blood stains don't easily wash out of white shirts. Wake up in a trash-can again? Don't let your drinking get you down, go and have a beer.

Birthdays: My friend Tony - Happy Birthday 19XX, Alexis de Tocqueville, writer 1805, Booth Tarkington, author 1869, Dag Hammarskjold, Swedish statesman, secretary-general of the United Nations (1953–61)1905, Nancy Landon Kassebaum, senator 1932, Elizabeth Hanford Dole, public official 1936, Peter Jennings, news anchor 1938, Ken Burns, documentary filmmaker 1953.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A student nurse found an elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Since hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged, she brought the man a wheelchair. although he insisted he didn't any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked him if his wife was meeting him. He answered, "I don't know. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

In May of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem. How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The biker said, "Hey, thanks!" and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live on Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in the commercials.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Art Of Navigation - Partying On A Docked Cruise Ship

Despite the horror stories about cruise ships, I still enjoy them. I like the continuous party atmosphere and all the different foods. It does bring to mind, however, the night I went with Sister Jeanne to a company Christmas party for Carnival employees on the Ecstasy which was docked in port.

Sister Jeanne decided early that she wanted to hang out with her friends at a disco bar. On the other hand, I decided that I preferred to keep my hearing intact and found a piano bar which fit my style.

All was well for a while and as it turned out, I knew the performer and was invited on stage do perform a few songs with him. I had a few Johny Walker Blacks and the night went by rather rapidly.

The next thing I knew, last call was announced and I went to the disco to find my sister only to learn that she had already disembarked. This created a problem.

I had not paid much attention as to how we got on board and that, combined with Johnnie Walker Black's ineptitude. left me wandering all over the ship for nearly an hour. Methinks the next time I'll pay more attention to the ingress and egress and drop some breadcrumbs along the way, just in case.....

The News As I See It: Anthony Weiner has been caught in yet another sexting scandal. At the beginning of this campaign he said that other texts and photos were likely to come out. Well, they have. Finally, a politician who keeps his promises! Weiner said yesterday that he wants closure. If he wants closure he should start with his zipper.

Weiner confirmed yesterday that he sent some new sexually explicit messages to a woman on Facebook using the code name "Carlos Danger." Which is still easier to believe than that other name - Mayor Weiner. He also sent nude pictures of himself to this woman using Yahoo email address. His wife was shocked. She said, "You still use Yahoo?"

The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you'd be able to keep your doctor, and now they're saying you "might" be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from "Yes we can" to "Perhaps we could try, can’t promise anything."

The royal baby finally has a name. It took a few days but they named him Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. The parents said they wanted a name that reflects his country's great history and gets him beaten up at school every day.

At least one case of bubonic plague has been confirmed here in L.A. It was a squirrel. I hope the plague doesn't spread. If it wipes out squirrels across the country, what's Honey Boo Boo going to have for dinner?
Portofino Village in Italy
This Date In History: 1788; New York became the 11th state in the United States. 1847; Liberia became Africa's first republic. 1908; The Office of the Chief Examiner, which in 1935 became the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), was created.

1947; President Harry S Truman signed the National Security Act, creating the Department of Defense, the National Security Council, the Central Intelligence Agency, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

1952; Argentina's first lady, Eva Peron, died in Buenos Aires at age 33. 1952; King Farouk I of Egypt abdicated after a coup led by Gamal Abdal Nasser. 1953; Fidel Castro was among a group of rebelling anti-Batistas who unsuccessfully attacked an army barracks.

Picture Of The Day: The animal below is a Brahma Bull. The area where he stands almost exactly replicates an area in Hendry County in Florida where I often fished on a ranch owned by the Hendry family.

Behind this magnificent bull is a small canal similar to my fishing hole. Sharing the pasture with the Brahmas were also Texas Longhorns.

Being only 13-14 years old at the time, I walked the area (which was loaded with largemouth bass), mostly oblivious to the cattle. That is, until the day a big Brahma decided I was encroaching upon his area.

He charged, I ran and let me tell you something. I found new respect for bulls. I also learned that, in the pine tree scrubs of Florida, sometimes it's a pretty long distance between trees.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One of the "World's Strongest Man" events should be pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together. 2) The Fourth of July is an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war. 3) Another "World's Oldest Man" has died. This is beginning to look suspicious. 4) One day I'll look up from my cell phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home. 5) Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 26th: The right moment could come at any time. Be cuddly today and as fluffy as possible. The stars are looking good for you this week as Mars pulls into a region of the sky that foretells of future relationships. It's possible that women may scream out your name in bed, especially if you're  eating cookies.

Birthdays: George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright and critic 1856, Serge Koussevitzky, conductor 1874, Carl Jung. Psychiatrist 1875, Aldous Huxley, author 1894, Salvador Allende, president of Chile 1908, Stanley Kubrick, filmmaker 1928, Charlotte Beers, advertising executive 1935, Mick Jagger, musician 1943, Helen Mirren, actress 1945, Kevin Spacey, actor, director 1959, Sandra Bullock, actress 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Johnny said, "Why do you do that, mommy?" His mother replied, "To make myself beautiful."

His mother then began removing the cream with a tissue. Little Johnny said, "What's the matter? Giving up?"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns?"

The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The man said, "Yes, that's the one." He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Proud Mama Otter
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." The Nun replied, "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

The Father said, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" The Nun replied, "Anything, Father." The Priest said, "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

The Nun replied, "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty"

The Priest said, "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. The Nun then said, "Father, could I ask something of you?" The Father replied, "Yes, Sister?" The Nun said, "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" The Priest replied. "I suppose that would be okay."

The Priest lifted his robe. The Nun said. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection."

The Priest said, "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." The Nun replied, "Is that true Father?" The Priest answered, "Yes, it is, Sister." The Nun said, "Oh Father, that's wonderful. stick it in the camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here!"

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, the best exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in your home and forgetting things. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Anthony Weiner - The Epitome Of Arrogance

Former congressman and current New York City Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner has had even more photographs released about his sexting scandal. Weiner posed as a man named "Carlos Danger" while sending pornographic photos of himself through the Internet — after he resigned from Congress for doing just that. New Yorkers were so shocked that Eliot Spitzer fell off his hooker.

Weiner responded to new sexting allegations on Tuesday following claims from nightlife website "The Dirty" that the former congressman had engaged in sex chats with a 22-year-old woman in 2012." The Dirty" has released what they claim is an exclusive photo of Weiner's, ahem, goods.

Weiner, the repulsive, uncontrolled, power-hungry publicity hound has humiliated himself and his wife by continue his recent actions, knowing there was material out there even worse than the stuff that got him ousted from Congress.

Just for the record, Eliot Spitzer says he has not paid for prostitutes since he resigned as New York governor in 2008. Way to go client number nine.....

The News As I See It: NASA released pictures of earth taken from 900 miles away. From 900 miles away, you can make out the Great Wall of China. In Newark, you can make out New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

In England, the royal baby has been named George Alexander Louis and has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably — for the next 80 years. This royal baby is third in line for the throne, to which Prince Charles said, "It's a really slow-moving line."

The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire. Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?

Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. He told him to hang on to the birth certificate. Those things come in handy.

Detroit has become the largest city in U.S. history to file for bankruptcy. What happened was Detroit's population dropped something like 70 percent, but the government got bigger. The tax base got smaller, but the government got bigger. Thank God that kind of thing could never happen in Washington.

This Date In History: 1847; Brigham Young and the first members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) arrived at the Great Salt Lake. 1862; Martin Van Buren, the eighth president of the United States, died in Kinderhook, New York.

1866; Tennessee became the first Confederate state to be readmitted to the Union. 1937; Charges against five black men accused of raping two white women in the Scottsboro case were dropped.

1974; The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard Nixon had to turn over White House tapes to the Watergate special prosecutor.

2002; Nine coal miners were trapped in a mine in Pennsylvania. All were rescued three days later. 2005; Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France for a record-breaking seventh time.

Picture Of The Day: The Aescher Hotel in Appenzellerland, Switzerland.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks. 2) Yesterday I fell, landed on my back and could not roll over and get up. I think it was because I was wearing a turtleneck sweater. 3) My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler....for one show. 4) Waitress: How do I like your eggs? Me: Scrambled, how about you? Waitress: Unfertilized, thanks. 5) I don't mind your bad kids running around if you don't mind me tripping them.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 24th: Old wives tales aren't recollections of sexual conquests. If you never liked sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: My pals Jude and Tammy - Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, Simon Bolivar, liberator 1783, Alexandre Dumas, novelist 1802, Amelia Earhart, American aviator 1897, Bella Abzug, Congresswoman 1920, Jennifer Lopez, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man's daughter asked why he didn't do something useful with his time. She suggested he go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. The old man did this and when he got home, he told her that he had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" He proudly showed her that he even got a membership card. She said to him,"Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

The old man said, "Well, I'm in trouble now! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Two psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. The leader said, "Just to establish some parameters, Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" The student said, "Sadness."

The leader continued, "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" Mr. Biggs said, "Elation."

The leader turned to Bubba and said, "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

The husband continued, "If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responded, "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?" The man answered, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."

That's it for today, my little puppies. Remember, when you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, July 22, 2013

Portrait Of A Murderer

Boston Police Sergeant Sean Murphy, a tactical photographer with the Massachusetts State Police, was so angered by the cover of Rolling Stone magazine that he released less flattering photos of the terrorist to Boston Magazine.

The cover, featuring the suspected Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, set off a firestorm of controversy across the country. Critics believe that the cover glamorizes Tsarnaev, depicting him as a kind of rock ‘n roll outlaw rather than a terrorist who has been charged with killing four people and seriously wounding hundreds of others. Sergeant Murphy has since been suspended for this actions.

In the interim, a Facebook page has been set up for Murphy and as of this date, has more than 49,000 likes. He did break the rules, so he should be reprimanded and possibly even docked a day's pay. Then, he should be nominated for Officer of the Year for his courage and convictions. You can "Like" and support Sergeant Murphy on Facebook by clicking the following link: 

The picture below has nothing to do with Sergeant Murhpy's released photos. It is simply the cover picture that I would have published on Rolling Stone Magazine.

The News As I See It: KFC is coming out with a more upscale restaurant that won't feature any pictures of Colonel Sanders. Because if anything is gonna make KFC more fancy, it's taking out the only person in the restaurant dressed like a gentleman.

Researchers in New Mexico say that brain scans of prison inmates can predict whether they will commit another crime. You know another good way to predict? They're already in prison.

The temperature rose to 100 degrees in New York City and now doctors are warning people about something called "heat rage." It's a real thing, where people to overreact when it gets too hot. It's similar to those other conditions in New York.....cold rage, lukewarm rage and just regular old rage.

A woman in Pennsylvania gave birth to a baby that weighs 13 pounds, 12 ounces and is more than two feet long. You could tell it was big because when it was time to go home, the baby said, "You want me to drive?"

A new report says that Audis are more likely to be driven by men who cheat on their wives. While their wives are more likely to wind up with that Audi.

This Date In History: 1829; William Burt patented a forerunner of the typewriter. 1885; Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died at Mount McGregor, New York at age 63.

1914; Austria and Hungary issued an ultimatum to Serbia after the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, precipitating World War I. 1945; Vichy government leader Marshal Henri Petain went on trial for treason.

1952; Revolution erupted in Egypt as the military took power in a bloodless coup. The following year the monarchy was abolished and, for the first time since the pharaohs, Egypt was again ruled by Egyptians.

1995; The Hale-Bopp comet was discovered by Alan Hale and Thomas Bopp. 1997; Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic was sworn in as president of the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.

Picture Of The Day: The innocent, yet curious look of a puppy.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't think the Swiss were ever overly concerned about war. They included a corkscrew in their army knife. 2) My friend's son asked what it is like to be married, so he deleted all the music on his ipod except for one song.  3) Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you. 4) Friend: "Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?" Me: "I'll need a screwdriver." Friend: "Sure what type?" Me: "Greygoose or Kettle One." 5) "Hand me the phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year's Eve. Thanks pumpkin!".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 22nd: A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you wonder whether you're as committed as you ought to be.'s a word that will recur surprisingly often this week.

Birthdays: Jane Long, early settler in Texas 1798, Raymond Chandler, author 1888, Haile Selassie, emperor of Ethiopia (1930–74) 1892, Anthony McLeod Kennedy, associate justice 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: They found about 200 dead crows near Boston and there was great concern about the possibility of "Avian Flu". They had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crow, and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he did determine that ninety-eight percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only two percent were killed by impact with cars. The Province then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine why there were such disproportionate percentages for "truck versus car" kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in very short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of any impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could easily say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck"!

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. The shocked friend says, "Lou, what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

The other man says, "But, I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles and slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

A man found the following note on the company bulletin board:

Dear Employees: As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Obama is the President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a big way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about ten percent. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did.

I walked through our parking lots and found sixty "Obama" bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

Catwoman's full name is Catherine Woman....

That's it for today, my little bear cubs. Remember, lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !