Friday, March 30, 2012

The Mega Millions Lottery? Go Ahead, Make My Day !

The Mega Millions lottery prize is now over a half billion dollars. Reporters are asking ticket buyers what they would do with the money. Some say they won't quit their job. I hope Obama wins it because if I know Barry, he'll either quit his job or loan his winnings to a solar company to further his beloved green energy.

You know what? Maybe the Mega Millions lottery amount is only 50 million dollars and it's the biggest April Fool's prank in the history of the lottery commission.

Did you ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Nevertheless, sales are going briskly and sooner or later, some one's going to win it. I know one thing, whoever wins the half billion dollars will become my long lost relative. I can see myself now...."Uncle Chow Ling, we so rucky....!"

I think Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He's starting to downplay it. Yesterday, he referred it as O'Bidencare. Speaking of Joe O'Biden, yesterday he thanked Dr. Pepper instead of a woman named Dr. Paper. O'Biden apologized and said he meant no disre-Sprite.

The News As I See It: Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer and both Obama and the oil companies say it's because of high demand due to warmer summer weather - as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, as long as there is weather, gas prices will continue to go up.

The International Olympic Committee decided that at the Summer Games in London this year, female beach volleyball players will no longer be required to wear bikinis. This is the saddest day in volleyball since Tom Hanks let Wilson float away. What do they think we watch beach volleyball for? The volleying?

The movie "Titanic" is being re-released in 3-D and they tried to update it a little bit to play to the younger crowd. In the new version, the captain hits the iceberg because he's texting.

A group headed by Magic Johnson bought the Dodgers for $2 billion. How much are beer and hot dogs going to cost at Dodger Stadium now?

This Date In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War. 1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.

1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television. 1981; President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: The truth of the matter is.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 2) The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. 3) The local candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday. 4) I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table but they couldn't help me. 5) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 30th: Save the money you were going to waste on lottery tickets and buy yourself a pair of new shoes. You'll thank me tomorrow unless my lottery numbers come in, in which case you won't know where to find me. Chance of romance is 57.71 percent and higher if you get those new shoes.

Birthdays: Maimonides, Jewish scholar 1135, Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh, Dutch postimpressionist painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old lawyer, laying on his deathbed, called to his wife and asked her to bring the Bible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea and brought the Bible to her husband.

The lawyer took the Bible from her and began scanning the pages. Curious, knowing her husband wasn't a religious person, she asked, "What are you searching for, dear?" The lawyer replied, "Loopholes."

Two elderly women are sitting at a restaurant, eating breakfast. Mabel turns to Ethel and says, "Do you know you have a suppository in your left ear?" Ethel reaches into her ear, pulls out the suppository and looks at it. She says, "Thanks, Mabel, I'm glad you told me. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.

The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."

Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement. The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."

Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."

A rich Texas oilman and his wife were having dinner when a stunning woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "She's my mistress." His wife says, "That's the last straw. I want a divorce and I'm going to hire the meanest, most aggressive lawyer I know and make your life miserable.

The husband says, "I understand, but remember, if we get a divorce, we'll have to divide everything. I'll have to sell our estate, so that we can buy two two smaller homes. I'll have to sell the Rolls-Royce, so that we can buy economical cars. It will mean no more vacations in the Caribbean, no more country club privileges and you'll have to give up all your charge accounts.

Just then, a mutual friend came in with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The wife asks, "Who's that with Jim?" The husband says, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier!"

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. A tip for the girls: When you're climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress! A top for the boys: Walking under a ladder is not always bad luck. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Odds And Ends ~ Mostly Ends

Mahatma Gandhi, a famed maker of excellent rice, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Every day on the evening news, you see a story about some street monkey car jacking someone's car, robbing a liquor store or shooting someone. What would you do if it happened to you? Here's the scenario:

You're walking with your spouse and two small children in the parking lot of a restaurant. Suddenly, a street monkey runs up to your wife, knocks her down, grabs her purse and runs, dragging your wife. You are armed with a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. What do you do? Here are the answers:

Liberal: That's not enough information to answer the question. Is the man poor or oppressed? Does he speak English? Have I done any thing to inspire him to attack me? Have I violated his civil rights? Has society denied him justice? I need to debate this with friends to come up with a fair and unbiased decision.

Conservative: Boom! Stop or I'll shoot!

Southerner: Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! click..... (sounds of reloading), Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! (Daughter) "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those Winchester Silver Tips?"

On a sad note, my friend and reader Frances Lawson passed away last night after a long illness. Frances was a dear friend and I will miss her.

The News As I See It: Former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant over the weekend. The cool part about it was that they let him shoot the donor himself. Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries.

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. Right! They're called taxi cabs.

Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, "So how do you explain a new season of 'Jersey Shore.'"

Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend. He won a golf tournament. He is entered in the upcoming Masters Tournament. They say, to win, all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades and white hostesses at the Waffle House.

Pope Benedict XVI was in Cuba and everybody was excited. They raised a lot of money and bought him a brand-new 1955 Chrysler. The Pope is down there in Cuba to fire up the Catholics and to scout pitchers for the Yankees. He arrived in Cuba after visiting Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Señor Frog's and took first place in the Wet Pope Hat Contest.

This Date In History: 1797; Nathaniel Briggs patented a washing machine. 1930; The cities of Constantinople and Angora changed names to Istanbul and Ankara, Turkey. 1939; The Spanish Civil War ended.

1941; Author Virginia Woolf drowned herself. 1979; Nuclear power plant accident at Three Mile Island, near Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. 2000; Supreme Court rules unanimously that an anonymous tip does not justify a stop-and-frisk action against a person.

Picture Of The Day: The eyes are the first to go....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know your wife is going through menopause when you arrive and say, "Hi honey, I'm home" and your wife replies, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie F*cking Nelson." 2) I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. 3) I told one of my lady friends that I was born in Florida. She asked, "What part?" I said, "All of me." 4) Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around. 5) Remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 28th: The mail delivery today is going to be lucky for you as no mystery package will arrive that is ticking, covered in mysterious powder or red-stamped Urgent. You will, however, receive all the normal bills. Chance of romance is gloomy, partly cloudy and the chance of rain will be high. Still, you may get lucky because your postman's getting a divorce.

Birthdays: Fra Bartolommeo, artist 1475, Maxim Gorky, writer 1868, August Busch, brewer 1899, Rudolf Serkin, pianist 1903, Dirk Bogarde, actor 1920, Nydia Velázquez, politician 1953, Reba McEntire, country singer 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. She asked, "What are you doing?" He replied, "Hunting Flies." She inquired, "Oh. ! Killing any?" He answered, "Yep, 3 males and 2 Females."

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

An old man met a fairy who said she would grant him one wish. He said, "I want to live forever." The fairy said, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." He said, "Okay, then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!" She replied, "You're a crafty old bastard, aren't you!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Tom for his contribution to today's stories.

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

An elderly gentleman, very well dressed in a great looking suit, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an attractive young lady. The gentleman walks over and sits along side of her. He orders a drink, takes a sip, then turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the grocery store and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

Then the third old lady chipped in, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

That's it for today, my little kittens. Remember, today's humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself or my cat. Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes: if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use. I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, March 26, 2012

The Dreaded Facebook "Timeline" Change-Over Draws Near

Facebook is changing over to the new Timeline pages soon and every time I go to some one's page who is now using it, my computer goes apeshit. I'm really unsure as to why Facebook even likes this idea, but then again, I don't know why the American public elected two losers like Bush and Obama. I'm beginning to believe it's the "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars" effect.

Be that as it may, change constantly occurs and far be it from me to question that fact. I do think that technology is too much, too fast. Apple iPad users who purchased a new iPad in December now find their new product is no longer top of the line. That's called built-in obsolescence, the same theory behind the manufacturing of "new" cars.

For those of you on Facebook who may or may not have had a problem finding a suitable photo for the Timeline motif, I did happen to find a site where you can obtain ideas and free photos to put in the awful blank gap at the top of the page. Some of today's pictures are from the site. Here is the link:

Meanwhile back in the school room, students can't read, write or speak correctly but they all know how to text. I assure you most of them have already changed to Timeline without problems. Maybe change should be dosed in spoonfuls instead of cramming it down one's throat and more time spent on teaching people the "art" of reading and writing. Then again, the job market always need more fast food workers.....

While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was "amazing". She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

The News As I See It: Did you see the story about the mother duck and her ducklings helped through a a fence at the White House property? The Secret Service pushed the little ducks through the fence. Of course, the Secret Service checked to make sure the ducks had donated enough money to Obama's re-election campaign.

A new experimental cholesterol-fighting drug is now creating a huge buzz among researchers. They say this drug could be life changing. Well, not a moment too soon, huh? I mean, for a minute there, a lot of Americans thought they might have to start eating healthy.

Southwest Airlines just unveiled a new plane that can hold 175 passengers. Or as Southwest thinks of it, "a new plane that can hold 375 passengers.

At the White House last week, Obama and Michelle hosted a Saint Patrick's Day reception for the Irish prime minister. The prime minister made Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, Obama awoke the next morning with a hangover and a job at the police department. They had a bartender pouring green beer, which is about as close as the White House has come to creating green jobs so far.

One of the things I like about former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is that If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. Then you have to get elected and then you have to go to federal prison. It's just part of their tradition.

This Date In History: 1827; Composer Ludwig van Beethoven died at age 56 in Vienna, Austria. 1945; The battle of Iwo Jima ended; about 22,000 Japanese troops were killed or captured in the fighting and more than 4,500 U.S. troops were killed. 1971; East Pakistan proclaimed its independence, taking the name Bangladesh.

1979; In a ceremony at the White House, President Sadat of Egypt and Prime Minister Begin of Israel signed a peace treaty ending 30 years of war between the two countries. 1982; Groundbreaking ceremonies for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial took place in Washington, DC. 2000; Vladimir Putin was elected president of Russia.

Picture Of The Day: ".....if I only had a heart!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. 2) A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 3) Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse", has never stepped on one. 4) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 5) When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 26th: Don't go shopping today because your credit card is maxed out and you'll only embarrass yourself. You can, however, stop by the thrift store because they only take cash and you can afford the new dress that you will find. Chance of romance is 22.38 percent and that number will go up if you don't wear that Goodwill dress you bought listening to me.

Birthdays: Edward Bellamy, author 1850, A. E. Housman, poet and scholar 1859, Robert Frost, American poet 1874, James Bryant Conant, educator 1893, Tennessee Williams, dramatist 1911, Sandra Day O'Connor, jurist 1930, Alan Arkin, actor, director 1934, Diana Ross, singer 1944, Steven Tyler, musician 1948, Martin Short, actor, producer 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass." His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. He hollered into the bathroom, "Madge, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker, "It’s not talcum powder honey, it’s Miracle Grow!"

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I will be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone." God asks, "Who, the black guys?" St. Peter replied, "No, the Pearly Gates."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother KIrt for his contribution to today's stories.

The man confessed, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month." The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional and said, "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months." This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?'' The sinner said, "A new woman in the neighborhood." The priest sighed, "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous red headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

A drunk in a bar throws up all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. He says, "Damn, I threw up on my shirt again. If my wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry. Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you twenty dollars to cover the cleaning bill."

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who threw up on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. His wife says, "Why are there two twenties?" The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he shit my pants, too."

That's it for today, my little lemon drops. Remember, some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, March 23, 2012

There Should Be A Season On Politicians !

One of the biggest things that gripes my ass is seeing politicians on the road in full campaign mode, typically a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, while their hands rifle through the pockets of followers for contributions. The only people that fall for this American Idol "workin' hard for you" get-up are the sheep who are easily swayed by things they see.

Years ago, I read the phrase, "Believe nothing of what you hear and half of what you see." A truism, the quote attributed to Edgar Allen Poe, is typical of the spin both parties use to describe their version of facts.

Yesterday, in Cushing, Oklahoma, Obama appeared in his "work mode" garb in front of same oil pipe lines to address a group of his fans, announcing that he was ordering federal agencies to speed up their review of the southern portion of the pipeline (Right! Sure you be). Republicans say it is the northern section that crosses the Canadian border that Obama must act on.

Speaker of the House John Boehner, in a press conference, said, "Today Obama's out in Oklahoma trying to take credit for a part of the pipeline that doesn't even require his approval."

All politicians are liars and thieves. That's one thing you can take to the bank. As long as you have professional politicians funded both over and under the table by special interest groups, nothing of significance will ever be done in our lifetime.

It would be refreshing to see someone from either party come up with a plan or idea and have members of both parties say, "Hey, that's a great plan! Let's do it!" It will never happen, but it would be nice.....

The News As I See It: The candidates are choosing their Secret Service code names. Mitt Romney picked "Javelin" as his Secret Service code name. Rick Santorum chose "Petris" because that's his grandfather's name. Barack Obama chose "Gas prices are not my fault."

The man who created Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell. Red Bull's creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids.

Peyton Manning has signed a $96 million deal to play for the Denver Broncos. How ironic is that? Tim Tebow's prayers to help the Broncos win are finally being answered.

Tim Tebow has been traded to the New York Jets. Can you imagine Tim Tebow in New York City? Talk about throwing a Christian to the lions.

March 20th was the first day of spring. I guess it's time for everyone to take down their Christmas lights. Spring is the time of year when the Kardashians lose their winter coats.

Pope Benedict will visit Mexico this weekend. He'll be the first Pope ever to attend spring break. Meanwhile, the State Department is warning spring breakers about the dangers of violence from Mexican drug gangs. So, to avoid the threat, stay out of Los Angeles as well.

According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters for Odumbo? People watching Fox News are not voting for him in the first place.

The Republicans were in President Obama's home state. I didn't know they were holding a primary in Kenya.

Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, "John Carter," about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars.

This Date In History: 1775; Patrick Henry declared "Give me liberty, or give me death." 1806; Lewis and Clark began their return journey east. 1919; Benito Mussolini founded his own party in Italy, the Fasci di Combattimento.

1983; U.S. President Ronald Reagan proposed a space-based missile defense system called the Strategic Defense Initiative or "Star Wars." 1998; The motion picture epic "Titanic" won 11 Oscars at the 70th Academy Awards, tying it with "Ben-Hur" for the most ever.

2001; Russia's Mir space station ended its 15-year orbit of the Earth, splashing down in the South Pacific. 2003; A U.S. Army convoy was ambushed in Iraq with 11 killed and seven captured, including Pfc. Jessica Lynch.

Picture Of The Day: The Mexican southern border fence.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans. Maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time refrying them. 2) I went to a restaurant and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. The metamorphosis is complete. I just waited until he fell asleep and tipped him over! 3) They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. 4) My lucky number is four million. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four million! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice." 5) I was peeling an onion and my lady friend noticed a tear in my eye. I told her, "I've never told you this before but onions make me sad!.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 23rd: This day can be very good for you if you play your cards right. Of course, if you play your cards the same way you played them in your last poker game, your results may vary. Chance of romance is 36.41 percent and partly cloudy. Never trust a naked bus driver.

Birthdays: My pal Vegita and the sweet Larissa. Happy Birthday my friends! 19XX, John Bartram, botanist 1699, Pierre Simon Laplace, astronomer and mathematician 1749, William Smith, geologist 1769, Juan Gris, artist 1887, Erich Fromm, psychoanalyst and author 1900, Joan Crawford, actress 1908, Wernher von Braun, scientist 1912, Donald Malcolm Campbell, automobile and boat racer 1921, Roger Bannister, physician, athlete 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she's dead!"

The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she is dead?" The second old man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. He asked, "Are you trying to steal it?" One old lady said, "Heavens no, we bought it."

The cop said, "Then why don't you drive it away." The old lady said, "We can't drive." The cop asked, "Then why did you buy it?" The other old lady replied, "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided."

The social worker continued, "You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

One day, an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing...."

He thought, "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

He continued to think, "I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

His mind continued to wander, "I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't! But you f*ck one goat......."

An eight-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. He said, "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" The kid, after taking a swig of beer, said, "That's nothing! I got laid when I was seven. The Preacher exclaimed, "What? How did that happen?" The kid replied, "I don't know, I was drunk."

That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, the early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. AREA 51 and happy hour is mt destination. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Fishin' With Dad On Lake Okeechobee

I was speaking with a friend of mine today about bass fishing and I recalled a time in the past when my father and I went fishing on the famous Lake Okeechobee in Florida. Mom and Dad had gone to the lake on vacation and he invited me to join them on the weekend.

When I arrived at the Lake on Friday evening, Dad was a bit down and told me that neither he or anyone else caught anything all week. He said that he told everyone that I was coming for the weekend and that we would catch some bass when I arrived. Although I know the Lake relatively well, that was quite a burden that he put on me and I hoped to live up to his expectations.

The first day, we headed out to a little spot I knew about and as I neared the spot, I turned off the boat motor and used the trolling motor to quietly approach a little break in the shoreline where water flowed into the main canal leading to the Lake itself.

As we glided into position, I turned the trolling motor off and reached to grab my rod when Dad yelled, "Got one!". Feeling happy for Dad, I netted his bass (about two pounds), put it on the stringer and reached to grab my rod and cast.

Suddenly, Dad yelled, "Got another one!". I put down my rod, netted his bass and put it on the stringer. Before I could even reach for my rod, Dad yelled again. "Another one!" I faithfully netted the bass, put it on the stringer and grabbed my rod.

After repeating this scene for three more bass (all within ten minutes), when Dad yelled for the sixth time, "Got one on!", I said "Great, get it in the boat and put him on the stringer. My turn to fish!" Dad just laughed.

We caught the limit (twenty bass) both Saturday and Sunday and Dad walked around that fish camp telling anyone that he could corner about how we "tore 'em up" on the Lake. I felt kind of proud of myself that I could make my Dad and Mom so happy.

Mom and Dad have since passed on but I can still fondly recall those good times in the past and especially that weekend on Lake Okeechobee.

The News As I See It: Next month, the movie "Titanic" will be re-released in 3-D. In this version, the captain doesn't see the iceberg coming because he's not wearing the special glasses.

The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture's so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is.

A new study shows that 30 million China citizens live in caves. A spokesperson for the citizens said, "Hey, it beats making iPads."

A Massachusetts medical clinic is trying to entice men to get a vasectomy by offering a free pizza. The disturbing part is for both the pizza and the vasectomy, they use the same rolling wheel knife.

The Denver Broncos have signed Peyton Manning as their new quarterback. That means Tim Tebow may be traded. There's no telling where he'll end up — you know, like one of his passes. The question, "What would Jesus do?", has now been answered. He'd sign Peyton Manning.

A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control. Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the "every man in America" vote.

Drug users in San Francisco have formed a drug users union. If you're in the drug users union and you pass the drug test, do they kick you out?

This Date In History: 1556; The Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Cranmer, was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1804; The French civil code, the Code Napoleon, was officially put forth. 1871; Journalist Henry M. Stanley began his trek to find the missionary and explorer David Livingstone.

1960; Police fired on demonstrators in Sharpeville, South Africa, after which the African National Congress was banned. 25 years later, a march marking the anniversary was also disrupted by police fire.

1963; Alcatraz Prison in San Francisco Bay, a harsh maximum security jail which once housed gangster Al Capone, closed. 1965; Martin Luther King, Jr., led the start of a civil rights march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.

2010; The House of Representatives passes a bill that will overhaul the American health-care system. The bill, called the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, will be sent to President Odumbo to sign into law.

Picture Of The Day: According to Dad, we "tore 'em up!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." 2 Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Damn it Harry, you are an alcoholic! Damn it Harry, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right. 3) I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 300 houses....or two dumpsters.

4) I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips. 5) I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. Oh sure, if he works a few odd jobs he could afford bread but, other than Aflack and Walt Disney, who'd hire a duck?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 21st: It's hump day and all will be well. Remember that there are two more days until the weekend, so don't overdo it tonight. If you do any grocery shopping today, keep in mind that animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same, except a skunk. Chance of romance is 83.52 percent with a slight chance of wind.

Birthdays: Johann S. Bach, German composer and organist 1685, Jean Baptiste Joseph Fourier, mathematician and physicist 1768, Benito Juarez, statesman 1806, Modest Mussorgsky, composer 1839, Florenz Ziegfeld, theatrical producer 1868, Phyllis McGinley, poet 1905, Matthew Broderick, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the damned wall!"

An old man (not me, Jack or Garnett) goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks his age. The old man says, "I'm 80 years old." The woman says, "80? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "What the hell happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "What happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his first thought is "Lord please let this be a teabag."

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to baseball practice. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. He said, "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." His father replied, "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away saying, "Maybe your other models let you kiss them, but I'm not that kind!"

The mad sadly uttered, "Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before." The model, softening a bit, said, "Really? Well, how many models have there been?" The artist replied, "Four so far. A jug, two apples and a vase."

That's it for today, my little yearlings. Remember, there's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !