Friday, December 29, 2017

Looking Forward To 2018

New Year's Eve nears and, as usual, I haven't made any plans yet. But every year I seem to find a way to celebrate the New Year. I usually try to stay close to home as all the amateur drinkers are on the road.

On top of that, most restaurants and bars raise their prices and I'm not in the mood to have my pocket picked for a glass of bad champagne, a hat and a cheap noise maker. But if you've never had the pleasure of being out on New Year's Eve, I guess you have to try it once or twice.

I want to thank my friends, family and especially my readers for a good 2017. May everyone be blessed and safe as we await 2018.

The News As I See It: Looking forward to New Year's Eve reminded me of my last sojourn to a restaurant on New Year's Eve where I was put on a waiting list. I left when I heard the Maitre d' announce, "Donner? Party of 89...Donner?"

Did you know that years ago this fall, back in 1850, California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

This Date In History: 1179; Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, was murdered by four knights acting under the orders of Henry II. 1845; Texas became the 28th state in the United States. 1851; The first Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) opened in Boston.

1890; The last major battle of the Indian Wars, at Wounded Knee Creek, took place with hundreds of Indian men, women, and children massacred. 1937; The Constitution of Ireland, changing the Irish Free State into Eire, went into effect.

1940; During World War II, Germany began dropping incendiary bombs on London. 1989; Vaclav Havel was elected president of Czechoslovakia. 1996; A peace agreement was signed, ending 36 years of conflict in Guatemala.

Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year to all my family, friends and readers.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Apparently sitting here on my new lawn furniture, drinking my vodka and minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests. 2) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works. 3) I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere. 4) According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again. 5) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 29th: Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the soul. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you bought it from IKEA.

Birthdays: Charles Goodyear, invented vulcanized rubber 1800, Andrew Johnson, 17th President of the United States 1808, William Gladstone, statesman 1809, Pablo Casals, virtuoso cellist 1876, William "Billy" Mitchell, aviator, soldier 1879, Vera Brittain, novelist, poet 1893, Mary Tyler Moore, actress 1936, Jon Voight, actor, director, writer 1938, Patricia Clarkson, actor 1859,  Jude Law, actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $100,000 for the year.

The deli owner asked, "Why don't you people leave me alone? I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year and you want to know how I made $100,000?"

The agent replied, "It's not your income that bothers us. It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." The deli owner answered, "Oh, that, I forgot to tell you. We also deliver

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my sweet Sandra for her contribution to today's stories.

I once lost my watch at a party. I looked over to see a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude and punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

Old Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?" Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."

The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine...

That's it for today, my little New Year's revelers. Remember, women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, December 22, 2017

As Christmas Day Nears.....

Santa has begun his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his list to see who's been naughty or nice. I'm usually nice but the naughty thing is normally my downfall. I'm relatively sure I won't be one of his stops.

I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Smart women have already learned how to get the gift they really want.

They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location, a picture and pertinent details of the present complete with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what the man wants.

Mens wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice. Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and socks.

Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves. So that's the basic shopping plans for the weekend. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!

The News As I See It: Omarosa, former apprentice contestant and recent White House aide, has been fired. Omarosa is out of a job. So now she'll be doing, well, pretty much the same thing she was doing at the White House. Absolutely nothing.

Do you feel the Holiday spirit enveloping you like a blanket right now? Christmas is 3 days away, which means we only get to hear that Mariah Carey song 7,000 more times.

Nancy Pelosi said that the tax plan is "an all-out looting of America, a wholesale robbery of the middle class" which incidentally, is also the slogan for Whole Foods.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio recently visited Iowa. He meant to visit Queens but the F Train got rerouted.

This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls."

1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol." 1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings.

1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997. 1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives.

Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate it when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind. 2) As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me. 3) My daughter once asked me what marriage was like, so I threw out all her Barbie and Ken dolls, except for Fat Barbie and bald, drunken Ken. 4) A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set. 5) I saw a large bear eating a big lunch from the dumpster at Taco Bell. Then he ran off into the woods, ostensibly to prove a point.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 22nd: You may become trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits this week. You can avoid the panther's attack by simply singing along with Michael Bolton but there's no cure from the lingering effects of Bolton's music.

Birthdays: James Oglethorpe, founder of the American colony of Georgia 1696, Thomas Wentworth Higginson, abolitionist 1823, Giacomo Puccini, composer of operas 1858, Connie Mack, baseball player and manager 1862, Edwin Arlington Robinson, poet 1869, Dame Peggy Ashcroft, actress  1907, Lady Bird Johnson, Businessperson, First Lady and Wife of President Lyndon Johnson 1912, Diane Sawyer, television journalist 1945, Ralph Fiennes, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, "We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there."

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish." 

So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, Asshole....!"

A man's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. The child approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The tyke answered, "Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

The woman said, "You're right sir. I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there, get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

Johnny's father said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny."

Then, Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?" The mother said "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said, "Well, that's great, 'cause he sure as hell couldn't wear glasses!!"

That's it for today, my little elves. Remember, God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a complete disappointment. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, December 8, 2017

Family Tree DNA Tests As Christmas Gifts?

The usual garbage is being hyped as Christmas gift ideas. You know, pajamagrams and the like. But, I'm fascinated by the company who is selling family tree DNA tests for Christmas gifts. Yeah, I'd love to see the look of your darling when they open that gift.

Here's a hint or two for your ancestral consideration: Don't pay anyone for searches. Family search ( is free, run by the Morman church and trustworthy. That notwithstanding, most family trees can be traced via the United states Census which began in 1790. Pursuing any information in years prior to the first census becomes more difficult.

Family trees and one's roots can be fascinating to explore but keep one thought in the back of your mind. Remember, you can't pick your relatives and there's always that possibility of what you might find in the proverbial woodpile..... 

The News As I See It: An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition bottles of Hello Kitty-themed wine for the holiday season. It’s the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece.

Ireland will be collecting $15 billion from Apple in a settlement over back taxes. Ireland will receive the money on Friday and Guinness will have it all by Monday.

This Date In History: 1854; Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate Conception. 1886; The American Federation of Labor was founded at a convention of union leaders in Columbus, Ohio. 1941; Congress declared war on Japan and the U.S. entered World War II.

1949; Communist attacks forced the Chinese Nationalist government to flee to the island of Formosa (Taiwan). 1978; Former Israeli prime minister Golda Meir died. 1980; John Lennon, former member of the Beatles, was shot and killed in New York City by a deranged fan.

1987; President Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev signed the first treaty to reduce the nuclear arsenals of the two superpowers.  1993; President Bill Clinton signed The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) into law.

Picture Of The Day: Then again, I'd like to try the test on some people I know..... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My Shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark so we named her Eleven Thirty. 2) I wonder how people that drink Starbucks every morning decide which kid isn’t going to college? 3) Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. 4) Condoms cannot guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.  5) My girlfriend gave me her Christmas list. I said, "Isn't my undying love and affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store trying to locate a French guy named Louis Vuitton.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 8th: Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Actually, dogs are totally flexible.

The post office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder.

Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time someone nears.

Birthdays: Mary, Queen of Scots, queen 1542, Christina, queen of Sweden 1626, Eli Whitney, American inventor 1765, Diego Rivera, painter 1886, James Thurber, humorist 1894, Lee J. Cobb, actor  1911, Sammy Davis, Jr., singer, actor 1925, David Carradine, actor 1836, Jim Morrison, rock musician 1943, Kim Basinger, actress  1953, Teri Hatcher, actress 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There's a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are very interesting. Thirty percent of the women feel that their ass is too fat. Ten percent of the women feel that their ass is too skinny.

The remaining sixty percent say they don't care. They love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Mother, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? His mother replied, "Because he was conceived during a storm."

Then the boy asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" His mother answered, "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? His mother said, "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived."

The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why do you ask?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a Detroit boy who was going into the 7th grade for the 3rd time.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu." The audience went wild! They wondered how the Detroit boy could top that?!

The clock started again and the Detroit boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

That's it for today, my little Missile Toes. Remember, 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, December 1, 2017

Remember When ?

Remember when you turned 16 and got your driver's license? Yeah, me too. Remember when you turned 21 and could finally go to nightclubs. Yeah, me too. Remember when you came home late from AREA 51 and decided to make breakfast, but you forgot it was unwise to fry bacon naked? Yeah, me too!

Remember when you used to say say the check is in the mail and then you remembered it really was? Yeah, me too. Remember when you told your little brother that George Washington’s brother, Murray, was the Uncle of our Country? Yeah, me too. Remember when you finally got your dream job as a life guard and that blue kid got you fired? Yeah, me too!

Remember when you got your first phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when got your first cell phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when you called that woman you met at the bar and her mother said she was at her probation officer's office because she broke her probation by staying out all night with a really old dude? Yeah, me too!

Remember the good times we had in school? Yeah, me too. Remember all the fun times we've had with family and friends? Yeah, me too. Will you always cherish those memories? too!

The News As I See It: American Airlines American Airlines has experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. "Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot."

Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy Award for best audiobook. Of course, Bernie supporters are already complaining that the Grammys are rigged so that Hillary will win.

Arby's has acquired Buffalo Wild Wings for $2.4 billion. They didn’t mean to, but like a lot of us, Arby’s got drunk and bought too many wings.

MTV announced it's bringing back the original cast of "Jersey Shore." Can you believe it? Every single cast member was available!

This Date In History: 1824; The presidential election between John Q. Adams, Andrew Jackson, William Crawford, and Henry Clay was turned over to the House of Representatives due to the lack of an electoral-vote majority. 1887; Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes appeared for the first time in print in the story "A Study in Scarlet."

1955; Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to give up her front-section bus seat to a white man in Montgomery, Alabama. 1959; Twelve nations, including the United States, signed a treaty setting aside Antarctica as a scientific preserve free from military activity.

1997; Representatives from more than 150 countries gathered at a global warming summit in Kyoto, Japan, and over the course of ten days, forged an agreement to control the emission of greenhouse gases. 1998; Exxon and Mobil agreed to merge, creating the world's largest corporation.

Picture Of The Day: This useless piece of garbage, Jose Zarate (L), who killed Kate Steinle, was found innocent of every charge filled against him with the exception of a felon in possession of a firearm. Zarate had been deported five times and had prior felony convictions. One would think Zarate would have at least been convicted of involuntary manslaughter, which, by definition, is killing someone accidentally. Residents of San Francisco, a sanctuary city, must be very proud.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test. It can't be both. 2) I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread. 3) When I  lock eyes with a spider, I don't kill him. I run away and hide so he can spend the whole night stressing and wondering where I am. 4) Politicians should be limited to two terms: One in office and one in prison.  5) When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag on leather car seats.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 1st: Look left and right before taking your next step. What you believe to be a good idea will prove to be wrong, especially if it involves a billy goat. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day, assuming you don't go with me to happy hour.

Birthdays: Marie Tussaud, modeler in wax 1761, Walter Alston, baseball manager 1911, Minoru Yamasaki, architect 1912, Mary Martin, singer, actress 1913, Woody Allen, actor, writer, and director 1935, Lee Trevino, golfer 1939, Richard Pryor, comedian, actor 1940, Bette Midler, singer, actress 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Jack sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair, when he noticed his grandson kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

Jack said, "If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars." His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray.

He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Jack was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Jack came back into the garden and gave his grandson another ten dollars. The boy said, "But grandpa, you've already given me the ten dollars you promised." Jack said, "That's from your grandma."

Bubba Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bubba Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them."

Dewey then asks. "What the hell did you do?" Bubba Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Dewey says, "That's not against the law."

Bubba Ray says, "That's what I thought too, but those guys at Home Depot didn't see it that way!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window and said, "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and scurried away.

The second priest goes to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too hurried away.

The third priest moves to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."

A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

That's it for today, my little broccoli sprouts. Remember, people who say "mayo" instead of "mayonnaise" live 12 yrs longer because of the time they save. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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