Friday, August 31, 2012

Rollback - Aisle 2

I go shopping at Wal-Mart when there are good sales. I also go there when I'm feeling down because afterwards, I always feel like my life isn't as bad as I thought. It's fun because I always see people wearing weird clothes. Lot of tube tops there, but tube tops are not for everyone. I mean, even a tire has a pressure limit.

There are a lot discoveries to be made at Wal-Mart. A lot of my favorite music is in the bargain bin there. Although I prefer the first young lady at the top of the page, I'm usually confronted by the one below.

The News As I See It: A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.

I can't wait to see the debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the strategy that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.

Hurricane Isaac didn't threaten the Republican convention, but to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter.

According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist, which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them.

The White House is now brewing its own beer. Republicans say the White House beer is actually pretty good. Just don't drink the Kool-Aid.

Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word "I" 37 times, "Romney" 7 times, and "jobs" only once. Then there was the 622 times he said the words "ham and cheese."

MTV has announced this will be the last season of "Jersey Shore." So I guess we'll never know if they learn to walk upright.

Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do.

According to The New York Times, Iraq now loves American fast food. They hate us but they love our fast food. This is how we work. We force democracy on them and then we sneak in morbid obesity.

This Date In History: 1887; Thomas Edison received a patent for his "Kinetoscope" and moving pictures were born. 1888; Mary Ann Nicholls, considered to be Jack the Ripper's first victim, was found murdered in London. 1962; Trinidad and Tobago gained independence from Great Britain.

1980; Poland's Solidarity labor movement had its beginnings when an agreement ending a 17-day strike was signed in Gdansk. 1994; Russia officially ended its military presence in the former East Germany and the Baltic states. 1997; Princess Diana and her companion Dodi al-Fayed were killed in a car accident in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: "So, I said to my buddies, Let's build some houses here. How hard can it be?"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As students return to campus, remember that college is a fountain of knowledge and students are there to drink. 2) For those waiting for me to go out of my mind. It may take longer as the exits are not clearly marked. 3) Sex is like software. For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free. 4) Moths are really butterflies after they've removed their makeup. 5) I hate it when your girlfriend asks you to hold her purse and it doesn't match what you're wearing.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 31st: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, "A man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic table." (Huh?). Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. Drinking alcohol may help, as well. Try to wear the underwear with the really strong elastic if you go out tonight.

Birthdays: My pal Pat in the U.K. - Happy Birthday young lady! 19XX, Georg Jensen, silversmith 1866, Maria Montessori, Italian educator and physician 1870, Wilhelmina, queen regnant of the Kingdom of the Netherlands 1880, Alan Jay Lerner, lyricist and librettist 1918, Itzhak Perlman, concert violinist 1945, Van Morrison, singer, songwriter 1945, Richard Gere, actor 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?" Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" Mary Louise replied, "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy.

Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for that teapot!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Roadway truck driver is driving east on Route 66 and he sees another truck driving west. The CB crackles to life and a voice "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest assholes in America?" The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother.

The Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke. Tell it to the next truck you see."

The Roadway driver goes for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says, "Hey trucker, do you know who the two biggest assholes in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He asks, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says, "No, I named myself."

He says, "Why Carmen?" She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says, "Beertits."

Two guys, Stuart and Robert, were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"  Robert replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

That's it for today, my little guppies. Remember, a relationship is the period of time between "I love you" and "Everything you do pisses me off". I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I Don't Need Glasses - I Drink Straight From The Bottle

Okay, I'm not blind, but my eyes aren't what they used to be. I wear glasses because I can't see far away or very close, but in that area where my eyeglass prescription kicks in, I can see better than a hawk wearing glasses.

What boggles my mind is how people with vision far worse than mine seem to go about life without complaining. Moreover, no matter how well I can see when the doctor corrects my vision with that stupid machine, I still can't see shit when I get new glasses.....unless what I'm looking at falls into that 10-12 foot area the size of the examination room.   

As a youth, I remember when it was said that you'd go blind if you did certain things in private. I figured I'd just go on until I needed glasses.

Of course, not being able to see completely clearly has its pros and cons. On the plus side, all the girls at the bar are prettier and the ones who don't see well seem to be attracted to me. On the negative side, it's a bitch trying to tie a lure on my fishing rod.

Overall, I guess I can't complain (although I intend to). Sometimes fuzzy and blurry are just as nice as a puppy or kitten.....or a racoon, as shown below in one of my favorite commercials.

The News As I See It: Hurricane Isaac is officially a Category 1 hurricane. It got so windy that gas stations needed three guys working outside — two to hold the ladder while the other guy climbed up to raise the gas prices.

Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters and I understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can't find a job. Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, White House beer is a lot like Obama — great buzz, weak finish.

The Republican convention was worried that it was going to be postponed or maybe completely canceled because of Hurricane Isaac. It was serious stuff. CNN was on full Blitzer.

Prince Harry ran around Las Vegas naked and Madonna was walking around naked in London. I think London got the better end of the deal.

Senator Harry Reid was asked him if Isaac reminded him of Katrina. He said, "I don't know, never even met the woman."

The Mars rover Curiosity took its first test drive on the surface of Mars. It traveled 15 feet. Apparently it wasn't that curious.

This Date In History: 1533; Atahualpa, the last ruler of the Incas, was murdered as Francisco Pizarro completed his conquest of Peru. 1786; Shays's rebellion, an insurrection of Massachusetts farmers against the state government, began. 1842; The Treaty of Nanking was signed, ending the Opium Wars and ceding the island of Hong Kong to Britain.

1877; Brigham Young died in Salt Lake City, Utah. 1949; The U.S.S.R. tested their first atomic bomb. 1957; Strom Thurmond ended the longest filibuster in U.S. Senate history. He spoke for more than 24 hours against a civil rights bill, which passed. 1966; The Beatles played their last major live concert at Candlestick Park, California.

1991; The Supreme Soviet, the parliament of the U.S.S.R., suspended all activities of the Communist Party, bringing an end to the institution. 2005; Hurricane Katrina slammed into the U.S. Gulf Coast, destroying beachfront towns in Mississippi and Louisiana, displacing a million people, and killing more than 1,000.

Picture Of The Day: I don't care what you say, that's funny !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Funny....I don't remember being absent-minded. 2) I have learned that as soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 3) Mid-life is when you start pondering the "big" questions like...What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? 4) Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated 5) I'm still playing with a full deck. I just shuffle slower these days. That's what happens when you hook up the golf course's sprinkler system to The Clapper before the tournament.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 29th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. Do you really want to be drinking 8 glasses a day with that track record? If you pick yourself up by your shoe-strings today you are likely to fall flat on your ass. Test yourself today by walking around semi-nude, but remember that this will affect your chance of romance. 

Birthdays: John Locke, English philosopher, founder of British empiricism 1632, Jean Auguste Ingres, painter 1780, Ingrid Bergman actress 1915, Charlie Parker musician 1920, Dinah Washington singer 1924, Slobodan Milosevic political leader 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." George replied, "Harriet, she's a prostitute." Harriet said, "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" George said, "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for "Bambi" to come to room 1217. George said, "Now, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" Bambi said, "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. He said, "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must be a real hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." George said, "Well, I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."

The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and woman were having sexual problems and she asked him to see his doctor. The man said to his doctor, "I'm having trouble getting aroused."

The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "Did you talk it over with your wide?" The man nods is head. The doctor asks, "What did you decide?" The man says, "We're going to re-model the kitchen."

The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are you carrying puppies in there?" Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, "Why yes, yes they are." She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away, I'll take the one with the pink nose!"

That's it for today, my little cotton pickers. Remember, a mime will never give you bad advice. I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, August 27, 2012

Look Out New Orleans !

Well, Tropical Storm Isaac passed to the west and spared South Florida area and the Tampa Bay area, as well, but I don't like the looks of it's path towards the New Orleans area. Current forecasts suggest that Isaac will grow to be a category one hurricane when it makes landfall.

My thoughts go back to Hurricane Katrina and the untold loss of life. No one was prepared, beginning from the U.S. Government all the way down to local levels, including those who elected not to evacuate when ordered.

Although Isaac does not appear to be a force like Hurricane Katrina, it would behoove all government officials and residents to prepare for the worst.

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Facebook stock one year ago, it would now be worth $499.00. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program. I call it my 401-Keg program.

The News As I See It: As a security measure, Nike will not open its stores at midnight the day the new $350 sneaker is released. They say it will be much safer for everyone to get trampled to death in the morning.

Lance Armstrong, after refusing to go to arbitration over the doping allegations, has lost everything. Seven titles were taken away. He had to give back his Olympic medal. He had to give back the money he won. Those are drastic cuts. I didn’t even know he worked for Comcast.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to the Republican Convention. Officials are worried about Christie's safety because of Tropical storm Isaac. The last they heard from him he was on I-95 at the truck scales.

The Obama campaign announced that theirs will be the first political campaign to accept donations via text message. Supporters can now text the word "Give" to donate up to $50 dollars to his campaign, although it's frustrating when auto-correct keeps changing it to "Fix The Economy."

According to a new poll, Mitt Romney is at zero percent among Blacks. I'm flabbergasted! The good news is that’s up 5 percent from last week.

This Date In History: 1859; Edwin Drake drilled the first successful U.S. oil well near Titusville, Pennsylvania. 1883; A massive volcanic eruption on the island of Krakatoa blew up most of the island and resulted in tsunamis that killed over 36,000 people.

1928; The Kellogg-Briand Pact, outlawing war, was signed. 1945; U.S. troops began landing in Japan after Japan's surrender in World War II. 1962; The U.S. launched the Mariner II space probe. 2003 Mars made its closest approach to earth in 60,000 years.

Picture Of The Day: This 2,500 pound, 22 foot long crocodile was killed by the Nigerian Army after villagers kept reporting missing  people. Hopefully, the missing are the ones who keep sending me email scams.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They want to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. I don't think that's a good idea. Do you really want to hear, "My dreams for the future include world peace and that my ex-husband gets killed by a bus." 2) I almost got arrested at the mall yesterday. The cashier told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my debit card? 3) I live in a two-story house. One of them is, "It's your fault" and the other one is, "Because I said so." 4) 600 shopping carts at Publix and I always pick the one with the front wheel that like to pirouette like a ballerina on speed. 5) My life has been a "rags to slightly better rags" story.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 27th: The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light is a little bit blinding though, so you might want to duck out of the way when it gets within touching distance or possibly even turn around. But don't turn around for too long or the light will be gone. I think it's a light. It's either a light or a really shiny brick.

Birthdays: Charles G. Dawes, statesman 1865, Theodore Dreiser, writer 1871, Man Ray, photographer, painter 1890, C.S. Forester, novelist 1899, Frank Leahy, football coach 1908, Lyndon B. Johnson, 36th president of the United States 1908.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: As they stopped at a cheese farm in England, a young guide led a group of tourists through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

She explained, "These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

While hiking down along the border this morning, a Texan saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get any help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, the Texan informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security and neither authority responded. I am starting to think that he wasted those two stamps.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A seaman meets a pirate in a bar and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook and an eyepatch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

The seaman replied, "Wow, what about your hook"? The pirate said, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"

The seaman remarked, "Incredible! How did you get the eyepatch?" The pirate said, "A sea gull shit in my eye." The seaman said, "You lost your eye because of sea gull shit?" The pirate replied, "Well, no... It was my first day with the hook."

A young man is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. The young man goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.

At the club, he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asks, " Man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, "I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks." The young man is thankful for the advice and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again.

The next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded by beautiful women.

That night, he finds the old man again and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip, "Next time son, put the socks in the front of your trunks."

That's it for today, my little tweety birds. Remember, the good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half full. The bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 24, 2012

Make Up Your Mind Isaac So We Know How To Dress !

Tropical storm Isaac doesn't seem to be able to make up his mind as to where he's going. I don't see that as a big deal as the same thing has happened to me many times in AREA 51 bars.

Isaac's pending arrival comes twenty years to that day in 1992 when Hurricane Andrew ravaged South Florida, which at the time, was the costliest hurricane in United States history. Andrew destroyed about 25,524 homes and damaged 101,241 others in Miami-Dade County. 44 fatalities were reported in the State of Florida, alone.

Nike is coming out with a $350 pair of sneakers. Do you know how many convenience stores you have to rob to make that kind of money? Nike has an explanation for the reason these shoes are so expensive. They said the kids in China making the shoes are demanding two cents a day now. The shoes are perfect for when you're walking back to Chicago.

It's been nine months since Regis Philbin retired from the "Live with Regis and Kelly" show and Kelly Ripa is finally getting a new co-host. Ex NFL player Michael Strahan has signed on as Ripa's new partner and is slated to appear on the show September 4th.

The show has gone downhill since Regis left and adding Strahan is ridiculous. Maybe they're hoping to jump on the Obama advertising syndrome being used in commercials by the Madison Avenue advertising gurus.

The News As I See It: They're worried that Tropical Storm Isaac could hit Florida during next week's Republican convention, but Florida is ready for it. Thanks to Obama's economic policies, many businesses down there are already boarded up.

Mitt Romney and Tropical Storm Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment.

Joe Biden is going to the Republican convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he's going to the Democratic convention where he will definitely cause problems for Obama.

The theme for the Republican National Convention is "Room Service and Hookers." Maybe that's why there are so many secret service agents there.

The Mars rover "Curiosity" has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO?

According to a new study, eating egg yolks after the age of 40 is as bad for you as smoking. Let me tell you something. If you are stupid enough to eat a 40-year-old egg yolk, you get what you deserve.

At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, he said, "I'd trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona." To which President Obama said, "Deal!"

Todd Akin, the moron Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are "legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant." Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected.

In a new interview, Michelle Obama said she doesn’t have time to read "Fifty Shades of Grey." It got weird when she added, "Again."

This Date In History: 79; Mount Vesuvius erupted and buried the towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum. 1572; 70,000 French Protestants, or Huguenots, were killed in the St. Bartholomew's Day massacre.

1814; The British set fire to the White House and the Capitol when they invaded Washington, DC during the War of 1812. 1821; Mexico gained its independence from Spain with the Treaty of Cordoba.

1949; The North Atlantic Treaty went into effect. 1968; France became the world's fifth nuclear power as it exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 1989; Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.

1991; Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the general secretary of the Communist Party after a failed coup attempt against him. 1992; Hurricane Andrew hit Florida, causing record damage.

Picture Of The Day: Whoo?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. That's why I stay home where it's a man-eat-chocolate world. 2) I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke. 3) Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 4) I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. 5) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 24th: The media will try to control your life today - don't fall for it. Everything you've ever felt about anything will be tested today during some troubling moment in which you'll learn something about anything or everything. When faced with life's problems you generally prefer to stride in with both boots kicking. However, today's "life problem" is that you will step in dog shit. No chance of romance with your boots in that condition.

Birthdays: William Wilberforce politician and humanitarian 1759, Theodore Parker theologian and social reformer 1810, Felix Mottl conductor 1856, Jorge Luis Borges poet and critic 1899, Steve Guttenberg actor, producer 1958, Cal Ripken, Jr. baseball player, 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

I asked my lady friend to get me a newspaper. she said, "Don't be silly. You can borrow my I-Pad." That damned spider never new what hit him!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions!

A flat chested young lady went to Doctor Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Doctor Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his crotch and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Juanito, the milkman, was on his deathbed, surrounded by his wife, daughter and son. As he lay dying, he began to recount the inheritance he planned to pass on to his family.

He said to his oldest son, "Pedro, to you, I bequeath all of my houses to the north and south." Juanito said to his second son, "Carlito, you will have all of my office buildings."

Juanito said to his daughter, "Maria, my only daughter, I give to you all of my apartments." He said to his wife, "My darling, I leave to you the skyscraper in the city."

The nurse overheard the discourse and said to Juanito's wife, "It's wonderful your husband is so rich. He's giving away so many properties." Without missing a beat, the wife responded, "Rich? Hah! He's dividing up his milk route."

That's it for today, my little Hershey bars. Remember, always be an least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral.  If things work out with Isaac, I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Go away Isaac !

Tropical storm Isaac looks like he has plans to visit South Florida. It's a bit early to worry too much, but there should be some law of nature that says storms can't hit the mainland on the weekend or at night. It's sort of like the weather version of of Murphy's Law or the old adage, "bread always lands peanut butter side down."

Every hurricane I can remember always seemed to hit at night and/or the weekend. Of course, when I was a lot younger, we just had a hurricane party and hung out together at the same place. That is..... until we really went through a bad, full force hurricane.

It was then that we learned that these storms are to be taken seriously and earnestly prepared for. Some people found out the hard way. I'm hoping that Isaac changes his mind and his course, but preparation begins tomorrow for me, just in case.

My pal Zoey crossed the rainbow bridge to play with Gabi Lin and Luke The Wonder Dog. She will be missed. My heart's out to Julie and Rick. Rest in peace, Zoey.....

The News As I See It: Th

A Playboy Playmate smuggled her boyfriend into the United States from Canada in a suitcase. They're going to arrest her as soon as they are done patting her down.

A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble.

The Republicans are getting ready for their Florida convention. Right now, they're busy auditioning minorities.

This Date In History: 1642; The English Civil War began between supporters of King Charles I (Royalists or Cavaliers) and those of Oliver Cromwell (Roundheads). 1775; King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in open rebellion.

1846; The United States annexed New Mexico. 1851; The U.S. yacht America outraced the British Aurora off the English coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup.

1902; Theodore Roosevelt became the first United States president to ride in an automobile. 1910; Korea was annexed by Japan after five years as a protectorate. 1989; Black Panther co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland, Calif.

2003; Alabama's chief justice, Roy Moore, was suspended for refusing to move a Ten Commandments monument from the state courthouse. 2004; A version of Edvard Munch's painting The Scream was stolen in Norway. Another version had been stolen in 1994.

Picture Of The Day: There's always a reason to look back or over your shoulder.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know you're getting old when you have to turn your music down to park your car. 2) If a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it. 3) Grandparents: changing the world one forwarded email at a time. 4) At my age, only 3 things can make me go running. When someone yells, "Fire!", "Free Food!" or "The free food's on fire!" 5) Why haven't any of Spiderman's arch enemies just squashed him with a giant shoe?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 22nd: Bread, lightly cooked, buttered. Today's horoscope is sponsored by Toast. All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and some theft. Long walks, cold showers and playing with puppies will help alleviate the lack of romance in your life this week.

Birthdays: Claude Debussy, composer 1862, Jacques Lipchitz, sculptor 1891, Dorothy Parker, writer 1893, Henri Cartier-Bresson, photojournalist 1908, John Lee Hooker blues musician 1917 Ray Bradbury, writer 1920, Norman Schwarzkopf, general 1934, E. Annie Proulx, writer 1935, Bill Parcells, football coach 1941, Tori Amos, musician 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest dog in the kennel and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. The buyer said, "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," The owner replied, "He's not bad, but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. The buyer said, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." The owner said,  "Well, no, I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour.

Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you." The buyer was flabbergasted. He said, "You're joking! This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!"

The owner said,  "I know, I know, but he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" Without looking up, Tim replied tearfully, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian, another is a Texas cowboy and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow, leans forward and says,  "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and, from the darkness beneath his Stetson, says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but it's a-comin'.

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. He said, "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for one million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the one million just to get to ask one question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his one question. The mayor asked, "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that."

That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, sometimes autocorrect can be your worst enema. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !