Friday, August 30, 2013

Bitchin' About Washing Clothes? It's A Snap Nowadays

Yep, those were the days! We got a brand new clothes washer and sadly, in our eagerness to learn about it, Mom showed us how to use it. It was a lark, at first, but soon after became just another chore. Mom and Dad worked and we kids had certain chores to perform each day after doing our homework.

It was a learning process, especially learning how to feed the  wringer without losing a finger or hand. In actuality, there was a safeguard that allowed the wringer slide up when clothes (or children's hands) jammed it. Of course, we kids didn't know that at first and it was a pretty scary thing when it happened.

The clothes then went into a square wash tub to be rinsed by hand and then, run through the wringer again into another tub of fresher water. From there, one last run through the wringer and the clothes were ready for the clothes line.

Our clothes line consisted of a piece of rope tied between trees, with a tall board for the middle when the line began to sag because of the weight of the clothes. Clothes pins were always scarce normally because we used them to make match guns, but I digress. The trick with clothes pins was to double up and use the same pin to hold the corners of two pieces of clothes.

Anecdotally, there are three stories that come to mind. The first was the 1950 hurricane flooded Miami and we lived close enough to the Florida Everglades that all kinds of critters, especially 'gators and snakes looked for dry land.

I remember Mom tying the two square washtubs together, tying them to her waist, putting my brother and I into the tubs, then wading to the mailbox to get the mail. She didn't want to leave us alone in the house, just in case. Pretty brave, huh?

The second time, we had just finished hanging the last piece of clothes when the clothes line broke and we had to start all over again.

The third was when we let our cat Blackie into the house when we were specifically told not to do so. As it turned out, Blackie had a case of the runs. When he tried to run away to do his business, we grabbed him and put him back on the bed. He then dug an imaginary hole on the bed and did what nature had intended.

Have you ever washed sheets at night hoping that your parents wouldn't get home before you finished?

The News As I See It: Ben Affleck is the new Batman and Miley Cyrus is apparently the new Lindsay Lohan.

Wal-Mart will soon begin offering benefits for their employees' same-sex partners. How about that? Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers!

The Kardashian family has another marriage in trouble. Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are having marital problems. And the state department says its warships are already rushing to the area.

Vice President Joe Biden said that "Syria must be held accountable." Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.

The secretary of the treasury told Congress that we will be out of money by October. A lot of Americans are shocked by this. Didn’t he know that we're already out of money? What happened to all that money we gave them last April 15th? Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.

U.S.warships are near Syria. They're saying now that a military action against Syria will last no more than two days. It's going to be a two-day war, which means we'll be there for another 10 years.

A New York City ferry that takes tourists to Liberty Island crashed. The pilot apparently ignored warnings of giant statues in the area.

This Date In History: 30 B.C.; Cleopatra VII, Queen of Egypt, committed suicide. 1862; The Second Battle of Bull Run took place during the Civil War. 1905; Ty Cobb made his major league batting debut, playing for the Detroit Tigers.

1941; The two-year siege of Leningrad during World War II began. 1963; A hot line between the Kremlin and the White House went into operation to reduce the chances of an accidental war.

1967; Thurgood Marshall was confirmed by the U.S. Senate to become the first African American Supreme Court justice. 1999; East Timor residents voted to secede from Indonesia.

Picture Of The Day: "Okay, throw it and I'll run and get it, but not too far, ok?"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't like to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance. 2) Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air, I'd probably eat it. 3) My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers. 4) If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours, followed by a global food shortage. 5) You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeVirgo - August 30th: This weekend you're going to get a giddy feeling that you're going to be emotionally elevated to heights you've never before dreamed of being able to reach. The world will become your oyster, flowers will bloom in your presence, children will miraculously stop crying in your arms and dogs will quite their yappin' after midnight. Do me a favor and stop that yappin' dog first. He's driving me nuts!

Birthdays: My pals Hector, Rose and Sergio - Happy Birthday 19XX, Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, author 1797, Huey Long, politician 1893, Roy Wilkins, civil-rights leader 1901, Fred MacMurray, actor 1908, Ted Williams, baseball player 1918, Warren Buffett, financial executive 1930.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

The abbot's forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate'."

Some women were gathered and the subject of the conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic, so we can't use it." The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method." The others asked, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?"

The woman replied, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.''

The man said, I see. Whose clock is that?'' St. Peter said, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.''

The man said, "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.''

The man then asked, "Where's Obama 's clock?" St. Peter said, "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

One day, a man accidentally overturned his golf buggy. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" He replied, "Its John, and I’m okay thanks."

She said, "John, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." John said, "That's mighty nice of you,but I don't think my wife would like it." Elizabeth insisted, "Oh. come on...." 

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive and John was weak. John said, "Well okay, but my wife.won't like it." After a restorative brandy and some creative putting lessons, John thanked his host.

John said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." Elizabeth said with a smile, "Don't be silly! She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" John replied, "Under the cart!"

That's it for today, my little jitterbugs. Remember, an apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough, I'm going to happy hour over at AREA 51.

Have a great Labor Day weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The Look

Other than an actual ass-whipping, the most feared weapon in my mother's arsenal was "The Look". Most children of the '50s-'60s-'70s and even early '80s were well aware of "The Look" and it's potential. It was sort of like football's two minute warning.

Back then, there were no time outs, no taking of favorite toys or limiting one's social activities. That reasoning had no place in the argument as there were no game boys, computers, cell phones, lap tops, i-Pods or the other electronic crap of today. The family TV was in the living room and with any luck, picked up 6-10 channels.

Of course, that did not matter because there was not a TV in every room and your first punishment usually was to go to your room. Lord help you if you decided to play the record player.

In public, defined by my parents as any place outside the home, we were reminded (you'll pardon the antiquated expression) to mind our "Ps and Qs". As all of us were under age 12, we held hands and the leader of the group would hold on to mother's skirt as she did her shopping. Lord help you if you let go.

As for speaking, it had better be in a "little voice". We were a family of little means and anything remotely resembling screaming, bickering or fighting were grounds for big trouble when we got home. No one ever said, "Buy me this" or "I want that". This would embarrass my mother.

If any of these things occurred (as it occasionally did), we got "The Look", which meant one of two things. Either we would be punished and/or spanked when we got home, or the matter would be turned over to my Father. My preference was taking whatever Mother decide to do be cause if Dad was not in a good mood, you only got a glimpse of "The Look" as the belt hit your ass.

The good side of the story is that we learned right from wrong and we knew when we had gone too far and deserved punishment for breaking the rules. We also learned to say "Please" and "Thank you", "Yes Ma'am and No Ma'am" and the rules necessary to function in life.

I only wish that all the parents that I see who allow their children to scream and run wild in public would have been lucky enough to have been raised by my parents.....

The News As I See It: The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it's not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me. I guess the attorney general got suspicious it wasn't a real college when "the Donald" took the senior class on a field trip to try and find Obama's birth certificate.

The treasury secretary has asked Congress to raise the debt limit for borrowing more money as soon as possible. The secretary of the treasury said if Congress doesn't act soon, the government will have to work with only the money it has now. You know, like the rest of us do.

The owner of a grocery store who named a store after Alex Rodriguez now wants to change his store's public image. He's looking for a new name for the store. Why? Keep the same name. Just turn it into a drugstore.

Former groping San Diego mayor Bob Filner was offered a new job as a TSA agent at the airport. I guess the TSA wanted someone with "hands on" experience.

New York City comptroller candidate Eliot Spitzer says if he wins, he will work for only $1 a year. At that rate, he won't be able to afford another $5,000 an hour hooker until the year 7013.

The NFL is cracking down on what they call excessive celebration, like when a player is found not guilty and does that little dance in the courtroom. That's a 15 yard penalty now.

New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner got in a car wreck over the weekend — not to be confused with his campaign - that's a train wreck. Today he tweeted the insurance company the wrong photo.

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson discovered Delaware Bay. 1850 Richard Wagner's opera, Lohengrin, premiered at Weimar, Germany. 1922; The first commercial to be broadcast on radio aired in New York City. The ten minute advertisement for the Queensboro Realty Company cost $100.

1968; Anti-Vietnam war protesters and police clashed in the streets of Chicago while the Democratic National Convention nominated Hubert H. Humphrey for president.

1981; The Centers for Disease Control announced a medical task force had been formed to look into the incidence of Kaposi's sarcoma and pneumocystis in homosexual men. AIDS was later found to be the cause.

Picture Of The Day: Little critters...a closer look.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I like to make shopping lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while at the store. It's a fun game. 2) I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things. 3) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 4) In the mornings, my body is starting to make the same noise as my coffeemaker. 5) Today, I learned that the average male has had 15 sex partners, the average female has had 7 and the average penguin has had one. I also learned that I’m a penguin.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeVirgo - August 28th: Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and the slightest, even accidental, touch may cause you to wet yourself. Thank goodness for Depends, huh? 

Birthdays: My friend Lisa - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, religious leader 1774, Charles Boyer, actor 1899, Bruno Bettelheim, psychologist 1903, Roger Tory Peterson, ornithologist 1908, Robertson Davies, writer 1913, Jason Priestley, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that read, "Low Bridge" but, before he could stop, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver replied, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two Louisiana boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"

The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

The big alligator says, "What have you been eating?" The little gator says, "Lawyers, same as you." The big alligator asks, "Well, where do you catch’em?" The little gator answers, "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." The big alligator responds, "Hmmm...Same here. How do you catch’em?"

The little gator says, "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the crap out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!" The big alligator says, "Ah, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase."

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, if you are cornered by coons in the wild, place your thumb and index finger tips together and make a bandit mask. They will accept you. I'm off to AREA 51 T\for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, August 26, 2013

Adopt A Shelter Dog Or Cat

I've been fortunate to have many pets in my time, mostly cats and dogs. Additionally, there were the usual assortment of critters, most of whom were disliked by my mother, with the exception of birds and turtles. But, today I celebrate the dogs in my life.

The first dog in my life was a female my Mom named Gippy, who cared and watched over me since I was born. Obviously I don't remember much about her other than pictures, but my Mother told me many stories about those who made the mistake of coming too close to me.

My first dog was a pure white male Chow-Spitz mix whose tail curled like a question mark as most chows breeds do. I was 12 and we named him Frosty. Frosty was a blast but he and the neighbor dog King got in a lot of trouble. Back in those days, most dogs ran free unless they were mean.

I guess the main dog in my life was Beanie, meant as a replacement for we broken-hearted children when Frosty died a relatively early death from cancer. Beanie was with my brother, sister and I until we grew up. A good pal and companion, he was a good hearted dog and everyone loved him.

Last, but not least was little Didi, chihuahua type dog which my parents got for themselves as we children slowly but surely left or were nudged from the nest. Little Didi was a barker but Mom and Dad loved her and that's all that mattered.

I hope today helps people to remember the large number of cats and dogs in shelters, who, without your help, face an unenviable end. All of my animals were either from shelters or strays and every one of them were good companions. Adopt a shelter pet.....

The News As I See It: Miley Cyrus is quickly moving to the level of Lady GaGa and the Kardashian sisters with her gross, uncoordinated, standing lap dance on the VMA Awards last night. Then again, it's the VMA Awards......

The IRS admitted they were targeting conservative groups. Obama called it outrageous and said he would immediately have his Benghazi investigators look into it.I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job.

Presidential and Congressional approval is at an all time low. I'm just saying that Obama and Congress are bad, I'm saying that they're equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.

This Date In History: 1847; Liberia was proclaimed an independent republic. 1920; The 19th Amendment giving women
the right to vote went into effect.

1939; The first televised major league baseball game was televised: a double-header between the Brooklyn Dodgers and the Cincinnati Reds.

1974; Aviator Charles Lindbergh, the first man to fly solo, nonstop across the Atlantic, died. 1978; John Paul I became Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. He died one month later.

Picture Of The Day: As my pal Nancy used to describe them, today's pictures are a bit "eclectic", but that's just me.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Adulthood is like the vet and we're like the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we're going. 2) I'm a fan of the tube top, but even a tire has a pressure limit. 3) I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china. 4) I was told that if I went to visit at the hospital I should take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn't looking, I did. 5) If you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeVirgo - August 26th: Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are embarrassing, but often clear up on their own. Chin up and forward, the day will brighten, but bring an umbrella, just in case.

Birthdays: Antoine Laurent Lavoisier, chemist 1743, Peggy Guggenheim, art patron and collector 1898, Albert Sabin, physician and microbiologist 1906, Mother Teresa, Roman Catholic missionary 1910, Julio Cortázar, writer 1914, Macaulay Culkin, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A group of bikers were riding west when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive", George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers and even the State Trooper.

George says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" The jumper answered, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do." The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. The father thought, "This kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day; you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'."

The old guy obeys and says,"99." The doctor says, "Great." Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three..."

That's it for today, my little puppy dogs. Remember, silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 23, 2013

.....And On A Positive Note.....

The lady's name is Antoinette Tuff and, like any other person, has her own goals and personal problems. But when a gunman walked into the Georgia school where she worked with an AK-47-style assault rifle and 500 rounds of ammo, Tuff called 911 and stayed smooth and calm as a computer help line operator.

She calmed down suspect Michael Brandon Hill. She told him that he wasn’t alone in having troubles. She told Hill her husband walked out on her after 33 years and that she has a "multiple-disabled" son. She soothed that man holding an assault rifle by telling him, "We all go through something in life."

She kept a conversation going among herself, the gunman and the 911 dispatcher. Thanks to her, there will be no funerals with tiny caskets this time. Thanks Antoinette !

The News As I See It: Recently they found a dead shark on a subway car in New York City and today, of course, he's chowder at Red Lobster. When authorities checked the surveillance tape, the shark was seen going down the stairs and through the turnstile. He seemed perfectly healthy. This is what happens when you don't have stop-and-frisk.

The police had an autopsy done on the shark and they found a tourist from Cincinnati. The shark was apparently in town for shark week.

There are regular Oreos and Double Stuf Oreos. Somebody measured the things, and it turns out there is not twice the amount of stuff as in the regular Oreos. No double ammonium bicarbonate, no double thiamine mononitrate, no double calcium phosphate. Now if you are at home measuring stuff in an Oreo, you should take a long, hard look at your life. We wouldn't have to worry about stuff like this if New Jersey Governor Chris (The Tub) Christie was president.

Former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he's okay, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker. Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots.

This Date In History: 1305; Scottish leader and national hero, William Wallace, was executed in London. 1914; Japan declared war on Germany in World War I. 1926; Silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.

1927; Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were executed for the murders of two men during a 1920 robbery, despite worldwide protests. 1939; Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union signed a non-aggression treaty.

Picture Of The Day: I love giraffes !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Have you ever looked in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back and then realize it's your neighbor's window and they're calling the cops? Me neither...... 2) Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women. 3) A man started choking in the line at Wendy's today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register. 4) If a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it. 5) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeVirgo - August 23: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. If things start looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas. Hey, for what you pay me, that's pretty good advice.

Birthdays: Louis XVI, king of France (1774–92) 1754, Arnold Toynbee economist 1852, Edgar Lee Masters writer 1868, Gene Kelly dancer 1912, Shelley Long actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot. The man exclaimed, "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" So, the dentist started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. The man replies, "No, I'm fine with pills." So, the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. The man asked, "What are those?" The dentist replied, "Viagra."

The man said, "I'll be damned. I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." The dentist replied, "It doesn't, but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?"

Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff." Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, give a man a six pack and he'll drink for a day. Give him a 24 pack and he'll drink for a day. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !