Friday, February 24, 2017

Elliott And Earnhardt Jr Head Daytona 500 Field

It's Daytona weekend with the Nascar Truck race tonight at 7:30 (FS1), the Xfinity Series race on Saturday 3:30 pm (FS1) and Sunday's Daytona 500 at 1 pm (FOX). Chase Elliott, a repeat pole winner, and Dale Earnhardt Jr will start on the front row.

Judging from the amount of lead car moving and blocking techniques, combined with side-drafting used in the Can-Am qualifiers, staying in the lead will be a difficult job. Brad Keselowski and Denny Hamlin demonstrated this ability well.

NASCAR announced detailed changes as to how races will be run in stages in 2017. There are three stages in a race. Stage 1 and Stage 2 will reward drivers who are leading, or in the top 10, at the conclusion of each stage. The Final Stage will determine the race winner.

Additionally, the extent to which teams can make repairs will be more tightly policed beginning with the 2017 season. NASCAR officials unveiled a new Damaged Vehicle Policy, Under the guidelines, teams no longer will be allowed to replace damaged body parts that are the result of accidents or contact.

Repairs, such as fixing damaged sheet metal, will be allowed; however, teams will be given five minutes to fix damage once they enter pit road. If the damage requires the car to go behind pit wall or to the garage for repairs, the car will not be allowed to return to the race.

Also, if the repairs take longer than the five minutes allowed, the car will not be permitted to return to the race. Once repairs have been made, a car is still required to maintain the minimum speed determined for that event. Once that has been accomplished, the five-minute clock is reset in case the car needs to come back down pit road.

Previously, teams were allowed to replace any damaged panels or parts with no time limit and no penalty. Quarter panels, splitters, hoods and deck lids damaged in accidents were often removed and replaced. Some repairs were completed on pit road.

More extensive damage often meant a trip to the garage. Each time, the driver was sent back out onto the track as quickly as possible. That will no longer be the case. Heavily damaged cars that need extensive repairs that can't be done on pit road, Miller said, "are essentially going to be out of the race.

Denny Hamlin wins the second Can-Am race in last lap pass.
Denny Hamlin won the second Can-Am Duel Thursday night at Daytona, getting a run on the high outside line in the closing laps to spoil leader Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s bid for the victory. Hamlin also won a qualifying race last year en route to his first Daytona 500 title. Chase Elliott, who already has the Daytona 500 pole, won the first Duel.

The two qualifying races set the lineup for the Daytona 500 (Sunday, 2 pm).

D.J. Kennington will start his 30th Daytona 500 after racing his way into the field. He'll be joined by Corey LaJoie, who got a little help from Jimmie Johnson.

In the second Duel, Earnhardt, who led most of the race, took the lead after a caution for Jimmie Johnson’s flat. Denny Hamlin, who recovered from a pit road penalty early, moved up to second. He got a push on the outside from Austin Dillon and was able to pass Earnhardt, who will start second Sunday.

Eanhardt said, "I don’t know what I could have done better to defend that. Denny’s smart. He’s one of the great plate racers out there.” It was Hamlin’s third career Duel win and came the same day Joe Gibbs Racing announced a contract extension with the driver.

The News As I See It: YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is too sexy, the problem is you.

A zoo spokesman said that their YouTube cam had been reported as containing nude content. All animals are nude! They’re all nude! Every one of them is nude except for your neighbor’s dog who has to wear those stupid dog outfits that he clearly hates.

One of the seven newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels and sunglasses.

A new report projects that by 2020 the legal marijuana industry will create more than a quarter of a million jobs for people to be late to.

This Date In History: 1582; Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull introducing the Gregorian calendar reform. 1803; The Supreme Court ruled in Marbury v. Madison that any act of Congress which conflicts with the Constitution is null and void. 1821; Mexico declared its independence from Spain.

1868; Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States, became the first president to have impeachment proceedings brought against him by the House of Representatives. 1903; The lease for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was signed.

Picture Of The Day: Chase Elliott wins the Daytona 500 pole fir the second straight year.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What's a moderation and how do I drink in one? 2) Legend has it if you whisper IKEA 3 times in the mirror, an extra screw will appear and you'll be haunted by the piece of furniture you assembled wrong. 3) My bank officer wanted me to sign up for a 401k, but there's no way I can run that far. 4) The way I deal with an unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't be much use in bar fight.  5) I shouted, "Run, Forrest, run", but the trees just stood there, frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all......except for Crazy Larry and Wild Root Cream Oil Charlie.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 24th: Actions take a moment, consequences last a lifetime. Your friends won't forgive you if you don't take the opportunity you are presented with.Your lucky horse for today is "Sombrero's Lid." He's a long shot but so is his name. I'd wager $2 across the board.

Birthdays: Winslow Homer, American painter 1836, Honus Wagner, baseball player 1874, Chester William Nimitz, admiral 1885, Joseph Lieberman, politician 1942, Steve Jobs, entrepreneur 1955, Paula Zahn, TV news reporter, anchor 1956, Billy Zane, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: (Cabin Crew): "The pilot co-pilot are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane? (Harrison Ford): "I can." (Cabin Crew): "Anyone else?"

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. The blonde yelled back, "No, scarf!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"

That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, you know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, February 17, 2017

The "CLash" And Pole Qualifying For The 2017 Daytona 500 Begin This Weekend

Recently known as the Sprint Unlimited and Bud Shootout, Saturday night's "Advance Auto Parts Clash at Daytona" unofficially kicks off the 2017 NASCAR season before next weekend's Daytona 500. The new Clash pays homage to the event originally known as the Busch Clash, an exciting non-points sprint race featuring an All-Star list of drivers.

Unlike previous years, the starting field for the 2017 Clash at Daytona will not be a predetermined number of cars. Instead, the field is limited to drivers who meet more exclusive criteria; Drivers who were 2016 pole winners, former Clash race winners, former Daytona 500 pole winners who competed full-time in 2016 and drivers who qualified for the 2016 Chase are eligible.

The ARCA Racing Series race will be televised on Saturday at 4:15 pm, on Fox Sports 1 followed by the Advance Auto Parts Clash at Daytona at 8 pm.

On Sunday, February, 19th, the Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Daytona 500 pole qualifying will be televised at 3 pm on Fox.The Daytona 500 will be the first Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series event to feature the new for 2017 points-paying competition breaks.

The Great American Race will consist of two 60-lap stages followed by an 80-lap showdown to determine a winner.

Stage lengths were also revealed for the season-opening races for both the NASCAR Xfinity Series and Camping World Truck Series at Daytona.

The first and second stages for the Truck Series race will be 20 laps each, with a 60-lap final stage. Stages one and two of the Xfinity Series race have been set at 30 laps, while the final stage will be 60 laps. Standard overtime rules apply for all three divisions.

The News As I See It: Taco Bell has announced plans to offer a $600 wedding service at its flagship restaurant in Las Vegas. And this is cool — the burritos are conveniently wrapped in divorce papers.

This Date In History: 1600; Italian philospher, alchemist, and Copernican theory advocate Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake for heresy by the Inquisition. 1801; The electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr was broken by the House of Representatives who elected Jefferson president.

1817; Baltimore became the first U.S. city lit by gas. 1864; The Confederate submarine Hunley, equipped with an explosive at the end of a protruding spar, rammed and sank the Union's ship Housatonic off the coast of Charleston, South Carolina.

1904; Puccini's opera Madama Butterfly premiered in Milan. 1972; President Richard Nixon left on his trip to China. 1996; Chess champion Garry Kasparov beat the IBM computer, Deep Blue, winning the six-game match. 2008; Kosovo declared independence from Serbia.

Picture Of The Day: The start/finish line at the world famous Daytona International Speedway.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whoever said "Out of sight, out of mind" has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom. 2) I almost hit a deer last night, but then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out. 3) Dogs lick each other's asses to show each other they like them - just like politicians. 4) If a tree falls in the woods, it should get up quickly and break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.  5) I remember when my ex-wife and I decided not to have children. The kids took it pretty hard.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 17th: You may hear a voice in your ear saying that you are here for a purpose. Don't pay any attention to the voice, they meant to say porpoise. That is, unless you're from Miami, in which case, take heed.

Birthdays: Arcangelo Corelli, composer and violinist 1653, Samuel Sidney McClure, editor and publisher 1857, Thomas John Watson, Sr., industrialist and philanthropist 1874, Jim Brown, football player 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A phenomena known as "women's intuition" a sixth sense if you will, is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?

In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly un-connectable pieces. That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower.

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. The husband explained, "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship."

He went on to say, "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

The altar boy relied, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I'm supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, February 10, 2017

Wives Of Ninth Circuit Court Judges Applaud Decision

One of the first responses from family of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals was "bitchin decision." The Left-Wing court decision was not unexpected as their decisions are offtimes overruled by the Supreme Court.

Headquartered in San Francisco, California, the Ninth Circuit is by far the largest of the thirteen courts of appeals, with 29 active judgeships. The court's regular meeting places are Seattle at the William K. Nakamura Courthouse, Portland at the Pioneer Courthouse, San Francisco at the James R. Browning U.S. Court of Appeals Building, and Pasadena at the Richard H. Chambers U.S. Court of Appeals.

Covering a huge swath of territory — nine western states plus Guam — the San Francisco-based court handles far more cases than any other federal appeals court, including some rulings that have invoked furor from conservatives over the years. Among them: finding that the phrase “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional, that the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on gays in the military was problematic long before Barack Obama’s administration ended it and that states can force pharmacies to dispense emergency contraceptives.

Although recent years have seen other circuits competing with the Ninth Circuit for the title of "Most Reversed," the Ninth still appears to hold the unquestioned title. The Ninth Circuit’s best showing in recent years was October Term 2009, with a 60 percent reversal rate in the 15 cases on which certiorari was granted. The Sixth Circuit got the prize for highest reversal rate that year, with seven cases resulting in seven reversals, while the Seven Circuit came in a close second (91 percent reversal rate in eleven cases).

But in 2010, perhaps seeking to reclaim its position at the top of the heap, the Ninth Circuit was reversed a startling 19 times (79 percent), three times as many reversals as most circuits had cases before the Supreme Court. The same pattern continued in the 2011 (71 percent) and 2012 terms (86 percent), when the Ninth Circuit was reversed more than twice as many times as most circuits had cases before the Court.

The News As I See It: We’re now less than a week away from V-Day. Valentine’s Day is a test. It’s a test of your commitment, your preparedness, a test of whether you love someone enough to waste $100 on flowers that on any other day of the year would cost you $30.

In North Carolina, a mother is suing a daycare center because one of the workers there breastfed her son without permission. Authorities say she doesn’t really have a case because her son is 32.

During the Senate's confirmation hearings of Senator Jeff sessions, Senator Mitch McConnell silenced Senator Elizabeth "Pocahantas" Warren using an old Senate rule. It’s the 1930s statute known as "No Mouthy Crazy Broads"

This Date In History: 1763; Treaty of Paris signed, ending the French and Indian War. France ceded Canada and all its North American territories east of the Mississippi to Great Britain. 1837; Russian poet and novelist Alexander Pushkin was killed in a duel. 1840; Queen Victoria married Prince Albert.

1942; Glenn Miller received the first ever gold record for selling a million copies of "Chattanooga Choo Choo." 1962; The Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolph Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.

Picture Of The Day: U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals (L-R)Richard Clifton, William Canby and Michelle Friedland.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I'm right. Other times my girlfriend is close enough to hear what I'm saying. 2) Some mornings I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep. 3) My parents never asked me to run away from home, but then there were so many unexplained one way tickets. 4) Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him..... 5) My name is Jimmy but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - : Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: Jimmy Durante, comedian, actor 1893, John F. Enders, bacteriologist 1897, Bertolt Brecht, dramatist 1898, Leontyne Price, opera singer 1927, Robert Wagner, actor 1930, Roberta Flack, singer, songwriter 1939, Peter Allen, singer, songwriter 1944, Mark Spitz, swimmer 1950, Laura Dern, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and placed his hand on her thigh. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." The woman yelled, "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" The drunk muttered, "You sound like her too!"

An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. The old man responds, "I'm 85 years old."

The woman says, "85 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Let's have a cup of coffee, then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi ?"

That's it for today, my little egg plants. Remember, it takes just 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say bite me. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, February 3, 2017

Valentine's Day Don'ts For Guys

St. Valentine's Day is the 14th, a special day when men make that last minute attempt to come up with a semi-clever way to say "I Love You" to their significant other. I'm no expert, but I can give the younger guys a few ideas as to what not to give. Trust me on this.

Let's begin with the 4 1/2 foot tall Vermont Teddy Bear. 4 1/2 feet's guaranteed for life. By whom? For life? Who keeps an overgrown teddy bear for life? Who gets custody of old Teddy if there's a divorce? Will there be child support payments until he's eighteen?

Additionally, a big ix-nay for the Pajamagrams and Hoodie-Footies. If you opt to go with these items, I'd keep a nice tennis bracelet or earrings for her as a backup. But that's just me.....

Other bad ideas for St. Valentine's Day gifts include:

1) Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.

2) Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.

3) Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.

4) Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

5) Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

The bottom line? If the gift is heartfelt and sincere, most anything will make them happy. You see, it's the thought that counts.....

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is reportedly writing a book of personal essays due to be released this fall. It will be the first political memoir written entirely in all caps.

Aladdin Mohammed was stuck in customs at JFK for ten hours last Saturday. You’d think he would have just taken the carpet.

Obama was spotted on vacation in the Virgin Islands this week, wearing a backwards baseball cap, baggy shorts and sneakers. You can take the boy out of Chicago, but you can't take Chicago out of the boy

A top football prospect for Michigan State was unable to sign his letter of intent because he’s in jail. Sounds like somebody’s ready for the NFL!

Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis at the Vatican and tweeted that he is "a true leader for the Church." Pope Francis tweeted, "I couldn’t understand a word that guy said."

Three people were arrested and charged in New Jersey today after leaving behind a pound of marijuana in their hotel room. How could you forget your marijuana … Oh. Right.

According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who lies well.

This Date In History: 1468; Johann Gutenberg, German printer and inventor, died. 1870; The 15th Amendment (black suffrage) passed. 1913; The 16th Amendment, establishing federal income tax, was ratified. 1917; The U.S. broke off diplomatic relations with Germany.

1959; Rock singers, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and Big Bopper died in a plane crash. 1995; Colonel Eileen Collins became the first woman to pilot the space shuttle when the Discovery blasted off. 1998; Texas executed Karla Faye Tucker, the first woman to be executed in the United States since 1984.

Picture Of The Day: Truth........

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I go to McDonald's once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car. 2) Xanax - Keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981. 3) Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza, but both are fine when you're drunk. 4) My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 65. She's 75 years old now and we have no idea where the hell she is. 5) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 20th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. The best places to look are wedding receptions and class reunions.

Birthdays: Felix Mendelssohn, composer 1809, Horace Greeley, newspaper editor and founder 1811, Gertrude Stein, author 1874, Norman Rockwell, illustrator 1894, Alvar Aalto, architect and furniture designer 1898, James Michener, author 1907, Joey Bishop, comedian, actor 1918, Linda Wachner, industry executive 1946, J. Catherine Roberts, science teacher 1953, Isla Fisher, comedian, actor 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There are reasons why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends.

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em. When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will.

Jose and Carlos panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home about $100 a day, drives a Mercedes and lives in a big house. Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but you bring home $100 a day. How's that?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2 to 3 dollars a day." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

Obama took a jog near his new home and on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. One day, as he approached the corner, the hooker shouted from the curb, "Hey Obama, a hundred dollars!" Obama fired back, "No, ten dollars!"

This ritual between Obama and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by, she'd holler, "One hundred dollars" and he'd yell back, "No, ten dollars!"

One day, Michelle decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Obama suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $100 offer for all to hear (including Michelle) and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Obama became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was - standing where she always did. Obama tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the couple. Then, from the sidewalk, she yelled, "Hey Obama, see what you get for ten bucks?"

That's it for today, my little pussy cats. Remember, deer live an average of 15 years in the wild, but can live up to 87 in a condominium. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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