Monday, May 30, 2011


As you enjoy this Memorial Day holiday with your family and friends, please take the time to remember and pay tribute to the men and women of the Armed Forces, both past and present, whose dedication and service make America the land of the free. God Bless America.

Maybe it's just me, but have you seen Walmart's newest commercial which uses the phrase "Match it"? The commercial begins with a young woman showing a Walmart cashier a competing ad in which the product sells for twenty cents less..... (Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.)

Now I don't know about the employees at your particular Walmart, but in Miami, most of the Walmart employees barely speak English. Moreover, none of the Walmart employees that I've met don't even come close to resembling the all American actors in the commercial. In fact, the "employees of Walmart" strikingly resemble the "People of Walmart." Take a look.....

The News As I See It: Lindsay Lohan has begun her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, "Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house."

One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her called "The Undefeated." That's like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger being called "The Faithful."

When President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world’s top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, "What are you doing here?"

CBS has announced some new shows coming up, including "Celebrity Housekeeper." A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid.

This Date In History: 1431; Joan of Arc was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1536; King Henry VIII of England married his 3rd wife, Jane Seymour, 11 days after he had his 2nd wife, Anne Boleyn executed. 1911; The first Indianapolis 500 was won by Ray Harroun.

1922; The Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, was dedicated by Chief Justice William Howard Taft. 1998; An earthquake in Northern Afghanistan (and subsequent aftershocks) killed an estimated 5,000 and injured at least 1,500. A quake on February 4th in the same area had killed about 2,300.

Picture Of The Day: There's little doubt about today's theme. Take the time today to reflect and say a prayer for the men and women, both past and present, who have served and protected this great nation.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. 2) Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls, sometimes with a crowbar. 3) I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. 4) The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?" 5) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemimi May 30th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver, but actually are making your behavior quite erratic. Screaming "Death to the Infidel" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers will leave you with bruises in special places.

Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake. This is especially true for at least one person today, whose loved one happens to drive a very large bus and will suddenly lose the ability to brake while driving straight towards your house. Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Be gentle.

Birthdays: Alexander Archipenko, sculptor 1887, Irving G. Thalberg, movie executive 1899, Seton Howard Frederick Lloyd, archaeologist 1902, Mel Blanc, actor 1908, Benny Goodman, musician 1909, Gale Sayers, football player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." Her husband replies, "Yep, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together, naked as jaybirds." The old woman snickers, "Maybe, we should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. The old woman says breathlessly, "You know, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." The old man says, "I'm not surprised. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal..."

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer in the leg without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else was looking.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, an old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man was eating lunch with his 10-year-old Granddaughter and he asked her, "How are you doing in school?" The little girl said, "I'm doing great. We're learning about the new holiday, "President Obama Day" that occurs on June 1st.

Her grandfather said, "President's Day is in February. What does President Obama Day mean?" She replied, "I know. We've studied the February date, but this is a new holiday. President Obama Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have one more year of unemployment."

A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab of $7.75, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip....three quarters. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

The waitress says, "Well, this quarter tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." The waitress continues, "And this quarter tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third quarter tells me that your father was one, too."

Before she became engaged, a woman was quite the beauty and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. She said, "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." The boyfriend retorted, "Really? And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

That's it for today my sugar pops. Remember, the two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, May 27, 2011

What The Hell, Just Let 'Er Rip !

When I was young boy, I remember that my brother and I would always laugh when our father accidentally farted while coughing or sneezing. Those childhood thoughts continued to amuse me until recently, when I began to realize that I can't always count on all my body parts to work as a team.

Nowdays, I find that the occasional cough or sneeze might well be accompanied by a fart. If one is out and about, flatulation is far riskier than when one is in one's home. To make matters worse, the chances of a fart being lumpy makes the decision to "let 'er rip" even more dangerous.

Sadly, the days of the devil-may-care fart, albeit silent, are over. The humor in watching my cat Possum prick his ears when he hears a flatulent outburst and looks at me for its origin. The glare in his eyes when I fail to advise him of a silent but deadly air biscuit still cracks me up, but alas, far less often. Yep, it's just another thing one has to get used to in one's golden years.

The News As I See It: Oprah thankfully had her last show. Everyone in the audience got a car and a Stedman. Her show will be on reruns until September and then she will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

The Kardashian sisters announced that they are writing a novel. The only thing that would shock me more would be to find out that they’re reading a novel.

President Obozo told Queen Elizabeth that he likes the tea parties in England much better than the ones in the United States.

A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be "wasting time on Facebook."

Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel on "Dancing With the Stars", but President Obozo is refusing to release the pictures.

Subway sandwich shops are testing out several upscale restaurants called Subway Cafes. They feature wood paneling, lounge seating, and other things to distract you from the tuna fish being served with an ice-cream scoop.

This Date In History: 1647; The first recorded execution of a witch reportedly took place in Massachusetts when Achsah Young was hanged. 1703; St. Petersburg was founded by Czar Peter the Great. 1936; The Queen Mary left England on its maiden voyage, arriving in France four hours later.

1937; Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco opened. 1941; British ships sank the German battleship Bismarck off the coast of France, resulting in the loss of 2,300 lives. 1994; Nobel-prize winning dissident, Alexandr Solzhenitsyn returned to Russia after 20 years in exile.

1996; After a year and a half of bloodshed, Russian President Boris Yeltsin met with the leader of the Chechen rebels and negotiated a cease-fire. 1999; Slobodan Milosevic was indicted by the International War Crimes Tribunal at the Hague for crimes against humanity.

Picture Of The Day: No theme, just pics that struck me funny. The picture of the day, however, is for my pal Paula, who attentively takes care of her little group of turtles in Texas.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Everyone always remembers that day a dog ran into your school. 2) When an octopus puts on deodorant, how does he remember where he started? 3) When signing a contract, keep in mind that "the big-type giveth and the small-type taketh away". 4) A friend is someone who will help you move. A good friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. 5) I wonder who was the first person to see a chicken and say, 'I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of that chicken's ass.".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini May 27th: You must be cautious to ensure that you can make a quick getaway should unexpected events occur. Music is likely to help you through today, so try to listen to as much as possible. Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today. Do it, you'll be the cat's meow (mix). It's ok, Possum S. Hemmingway loves it.'s a word that will recur surprisingly often this week. Go with the idea, your partner will explain it to you.

Birthdays: Cornelius Vanderbilt, industrialist, financier 1794, Julia Ward Howe, author and social reformer 1819, Wild Bill Hickok, frontier marshal 1837, Dashiell Hammett, writer 1894, Rachel Louise Carson, biologist, author 1907, John Cheever, novelist 1912, Henry Kissinger, U.S. Secretary of State (1973-1977)1923.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A handsome young man stopped by the local bicycle to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, so he decided to walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed and livestock dealer and picked up a chicken and a goose.

However, he had a problem. How to carry his entire purchases home. The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put the chicken under your arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The young man said, "Hey, thanks!" and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live near Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

As the started down the alley, the little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The young man said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, a chicken and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chicken."

Old Aunt Cora went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said,"I see. Have you done anything about it?" Aunt Cora replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine...

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contributions to today's stories.

A long time ago, a Jewish man was walking down the New Jersey boardwalk when he saw a sign in front of an attraction that read "Herschel the Magnificent Jew." Being Jewish himself, his curiosity led him inside for the show. When the curtains opened, there stood Herschel clad only in a bathrobe. He immediately open the robe and stood naked in front of the audience in all his glory. Herschel had the largest masculine equipment the old man had ever seen.

There was a wooden bench in front of Herschel and he put three large walnuts on it. He took his masculinity into his hands and he went "Whack! Whack! Whack!" and he smashed them into smithereens. The audience went wild with applause.

Twenty years later, the Jewish man was walking along the boardwalk and he saw the same sign, "Herschel the Magnificent Jew." Surprised, he went into the show and there stood Herschel in his bathrobe. He had not aged in all those years and he looked fantastic. He put on the bench three coconuts, took off his bathrobe, took his masculinity into his hands and went "Whack! Whack! Whack and smashed the coconuts into smithereens.

After the show, the old man went backstage and asked, "Mr. Herschel, why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?" Herschel replied, "Vell, my eyesight, it ain't what it used to be..."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" The little old man replied, "No, arthritis."

That's it for today my jelly rolls. Remember,you are not alone. Everybody's got a crazy person in their family. Call me crazy, but I'm heading to happy hour in AREA 51 for drinks. Have a fantastic weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

It Was Just "One Of Those Days"

I renewed my driver's license yesterday and I carefully made a list as to what I needed to bring for the renewal. I went early so that I could get through the process as soon as possible. When I arrived, there were no lines and the first question I was asked was, "Did you bring your birth certificate?" Crap!

So off I went, fuming, driving back to my house in total disbelief that I had forgotten my birth certificate. As I got back into the car to go back to the DMV, I realized there was no reason to be angry over something that I couldn't change.

When I arrived for the second time, there still were no long lines. I presented the required documents, took the eye exam and had my picture taken. When the clerk told me the charges and fees, I handed her my Visa card. She said, "Sorry, we don't take Visa." What? Yep, any other card but Visa. Crap!

Since I did have enough cash, I had to drive back to my bank, get the cash and return to the DMV. When I returned to the DMV for the third time, there was a line, but the lady must have felt sorry for me and she allowed me to go to the front of the line, pay and get the hell out.... or so I thought. Nope! They got the address wrong on my license. Crap! Crap! Crap!

When I finally got out of there, I drove straight home and stayed in the house for the rest of the day.... until happy hour!

The News As I See It: Dancing With the Stars has new stars each season just like "Two and a Half Men." They say dancing helps older people improve their memories, but that’s still not going to get me to dance. Also, they say dancing helps older people improve their memories.

A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you. Just ask Maria Shriver.

According to Osama bin Laden’s diaries, he wanted to attack Los Angeles. He changed his mind when he realized he didn’t have anything against the Mexican people.

President Obozo told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed. Then he went to England where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders.

Herman Cain the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, announced that he’s running for president. This is cool, if his campaign isn’t over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free. The republicans' new slogan will be "Our Black candidate is better than your Black candidate." That ought to put "Podium" Al Sharpton out of business for a while.

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitutional Convention convened in Philadelphia under the leadership of George Washington, in order to establish a new U.S. government. 1925; John Scopes was indicted for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution.

1935; American track star Jesse Owens broke three world records and tied another in a little over an hour. 1935; The legendary Babe Ruth hit his 714th and final home run against the Pittsburgh Pirates. His record stood until Hank Aaron broke it in 1974.

1965; Muhammad Ali knocked Sonny Liston out cold in the first round, after 1 minute and 56 seconds, for the world heavyweight title 1968; The Gateway Arch was dedicated in St. Louis. 1969; Midnight Cowboy, the only x-rated film to win a best picture Oscar, was released.

1979; The worst air disaster in U.S. history (excluding the Sept. 11 attacks) occurred when a DC-10 crashed at Chicago's O'Hare airport, killing over 270 people.

Picture Of The Day: Tuesday was just "one of those days" when everything you touch turns to caca. That is until until you see the picture of the day below and realize that things could have been a lot worse.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle. 2) A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows. 3) Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name. 4) If rabbit's feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 5) Not only did my ex-wife drive me crazy, she made me pay for the gas.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - May 25th: Nobody can stop you as you make that important break through this week. Be wary of all new friends today as they may turn out to be Russian spies or amateur astronomers.Many of the people you admire are going to have incredible fortune this week once the anti-stalking court orders they've filed against you are completed.

Fire, brimstone and the devil's genitals - none of these will get in your way as you chase your way through Beelzebub's lair in order to land yourself the prize catch you aim for. Be careful as you approach your chosen one. Remember those stalking charges.

Birthdays: Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803, Igor Ivanovich Sikorsky, Inventor 1889, Gene Tunney, boxer 1897, Robert Ludlum, novelist 1927, Beverly Sills, singer 1929, Frank Oz, puppeteer 1944, Jamaica Kincaid, writer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was just coming out of anesthesia after surgery in the hospital and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You`re beautiful." Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You`re cute." His wife asked, "What happened to `beautiful`?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Lord, can you build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong." The Lord though for a moment and then replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge to Hawaii?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A typical macho man married a fine young lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules, saying, "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner."

He continued, "I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at eleven o'clock every night....whether you're here or not."

A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." Hurt, the man replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" The Lord answered, "What's the problem, Eve?" Eve said, "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

The Lord said, "Why is that, Eve?" Eve said, "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." The Lord said, "Well, Eve, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." Eve said, "What's a 'man', Lord?" The Lord said, "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time."

The Lord went on, "But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." Eve said, "Sounds great." The Lord said, "Well you can have him on one condition." Eve said, "What's that, Lord?" The Lord said, "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

That's it for today my tiddly winks. Remember, if you're wearing tight shoes, you forget all about your problems! I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. I don't need toght shoes there. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, May 23, 2011

The End Is Not Near - Back To Work !

According to some dimwit, the world was supposed to end last Saturday. I should have known. I checked the weather and there was only a 10 percent chance of apocalypse. My first thought when I heard the news was that it would would really suck if I only got to live three weeks longer than Osama bin Laden.

Actually, it could be that the apocalypse actually occurred and a lot of people went to heaven and just left me here in heathen with all of my pals.

Obama went to Ireland, Yep, he returned to the homeland. After months of examination, Jimmy's Journal has learned that the anointed one has some Irish blood. Although it's rare, many years ago, his forefather Finnegan Begin Again O'Bama visited Kenya for a weekend representing Ireland in the International Beer Drinking finals. Finnegan did not win, but was seen after the event, drunkenly wandering the local village. The rest is history.....

The News As I See It: A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is not day at the beach either.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million because Arnold knocked up their maid and fathered a child. I know what's going to happen. Arnold will check into a sex addiction clinic and next season the maid will go on "Dancing with the Stars."

The idiot that predicted judgment day predicted the end of the world in 1994. He also predicted that Ashton Kutcher would never return to television

President Obozo offered $1 billion to Egypt to boost the creation of new jobs. And if that works, they’re going to try it here.

This Date In History: 1430; Joan of Arc was captured by the Burgundians and subsequently sold to the English. 1788; South Carolina became the 8th state in United States. 1830; The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad began the first passenger service in the United States.

1873; The North West Mounted Police force was formed in Canada. It would later be known as the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 1911; The New York Public Library, at the time the largest marble structure ever built in the United States, was dedicated by President Taft in New York City after 16 years of construction.

1934; Bonnie (Parker) and Clyde (Barrow) were killed in a police shootout. 1945; Heinrich Himmler, head of Adolf Hitler’s Gestapo, committed suicide while in prison. 1949; The German Federal Republic came into existence.

Picture Of The Day: Ya gotta love the picture of the Pakistani who gave up Osama bin Laden for the 25 million dollar reward. I know I've seen that guy somewhere.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 2) I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than have driven with Ted Kennedy. 3) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. 4) Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send me $10 dollars. 5) I think the only reason my parents gave me a middle name was so that I could tell when I was really in trouble.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - May 23rd: You smell as sweet as you look. Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins, this week.
Your funny bone may have disappeared momentarily. However, it may turn up where you least expect it.

Beauty and misery are a package pair for you today so look for hope in all your endeavors. Admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy. You might find yourself on the wrong end of the night stick. Love is in the air. No, it's not jasmine, it's love....!

Birthdays: Carolus Linnaeus, botanist 1707, Charles Barry, architect 1795, Margaret Fuller, writer 1810, Alfred Pritchard Sloan, Jr., businessman and philanthropist 1875, Douglas Fairbanks, actor 1883, John Bardeen, physicist 1908, Anatoly Karpov, chess master 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $1000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $1000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $1000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The old man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he married the one with the biggest tits.

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. The man said, "Well, it was like this. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my big mistake."

The doctor asked, "What did you do?" The man said, "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Skip for their contributions to today's stories.

A blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked the blonde if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. She pondered the question then, finally said, "Yes, that was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. Good morning, Miss Whack. I'd like to get a $30,000 loan." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says, "My name is Kermit Jagger and my dad is Mick Jagger. Don't worry about funding the loan, I know the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this" and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

That's it for today my little rubber baby buggy bumpers. Remember, as you get older three things happen. The first is that your memory goes. I can't remember the other two. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, May 20, 2011

SNL - "The Situation Room" Featuring Ed Helms

I laud the recent execution of Osama Bin Laden by the U.S. Navy SEAL team 6. The mission was a accomplished by efforts over the years of the armed forces, President Bush and President Obama, but the efforts of the SEAL team merit the majority of the praise. That said, watch the video below of Saturday Night Live's Ed Helms as "President Obama" speaking about the news of Bin Laden's demise.

In his address to America about the execution of Bin Laden, Obama carefully explained the details of the mission. Although the majority of Americans were pleased with the results, there were many different opinions as to the political points woven into the speech.

Rather than exhaust many written words as to my own personal reaction to the address, I find it more amusing to rely on Ed Helms' portrayal to convey my initial reaction the the Obama address. (Remember to mute my music playlist on the left sidebar."

The News As I See It: A 215 million dollar theme park is opening in China, dedicated to Hello Kitty. It’s right next to that famous Chinese restaurant "Goodbye Doggy."

President Obozo suggested that Israel should go back to the pre-1967 borders. Native Americans said, "Why stop there? Let’s go back to the pre-1492 borders."

Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader — and so is Navy SEAL Team 6. It's quite a success story for the new leader. He worked his way up all the way from the mail bomb room.

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with his maid. The maid’s husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make one million dollars a year. Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. He did it by moving the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy. I guess "love child" is a nicer term than "OK-Maria's-asleep child."

Can anyone possibly explain why Rosland Capital, a gold investment firm, would hire convicted felon and all around asshole, G. Gordon Liddy as their spokesman?

Tomorrow is supposed to be doomsday. That sucks. I just paid my bills.

This Date In History: 1506; Christopher Columbus died in Spain. 1861; North Carolina voted to secede from the Union. 1927; Charles Lindbergh began the first solo nonstop transatlantic flight, departing from Long Island aboard the Spirit of Saint Louis. 1932; Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic.1961; A mob attacked a busload of "freedom riders" in Montgomery, Ala., setting the bus on fire. 1978; Mavis Hutchinson, 53, became the first woman to run across America. The 3,000-mile trek took her 69 days. She ran an average of 45 miles each day. 1996; In a 6-3 vote, the Supreme Court rejected a Colorado measure banning laws that protect homosexuals from discrimination.

Picture Of The Day: Cher just had a birthday and I liked this pic. Farther below, probably the last thing Bin Laden saw before his vacation to meet the virgins was the Navy SEALs.....See 'ya!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was reading it again and it said, "Day 1 - Still tired from the move. Day 2 - Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." 2) When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually. 3) When I was a little older, my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."

4) When I was seven, I remember asking my Mom about where my siblings and I came from. She said, "Curiosity killed the cat." I wasn't sure what she meant, but for a while I was pretty sure that Dad was a suspect. 5) When I was eight, I saw a picture of myself in one of those strollers for twins. I asked Dad why there were two seats in the stroller. He said I used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus May 20th: Testing times will appear over the next week to have destroyed any hope you had with a particular someone. Age of consent is all well and good but you have to consider whether the legal teen has angry parents and even angrier dogs or lawyers. It is entirely possible that this horoscope will have nothing to do with you and the testing times could more literally be interpreted as times that will test your patience. We apologize for any inconvenience. A terrific thought will enter your brain at around lunchtime. Don't order the split pea soup, go with the beef barley.

Birthdays: William Thornton, architect 1759, Dolley Madison, American First Lady 1768, Honoré de Balzac. novelist 1799, John Stuart Mill, philosopher 1806, James Stewart, American actor 1908, Moshe Dayan, military leader 1915, Cher, singer, actress 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Four college friends at Florida State were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go down to Miami to AREA 51 and party. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't wake up until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Miami for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was about the veracity of their flat tire excuse for missing the exam. Each one in his separate room they thought, "Cool, this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page, the question for 95 points was, "Which tire?"

Mrs. Jones, the 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

The teacher asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Jones said, "Very good, Billy!"

Then she turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have just three things to say. Number one, you have a dirty mind. Number two, you didn't read your homework and number 3, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Halfway through the lecture, he began, "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. The professor, with a broad smile, said, "Young ladies, the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands. He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was: "Name seven advantages of mother's milk." The student in question had also partied the night before, and was hard put to think of seven advantages.

The student wrote: 1) It is a perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always available as needed. 4) It is always at the right temperature 5) It is inexpensive. 6) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa. Then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test was rang, he wrote: 7) It comes in cute containers.

That's it for today my little buttercups. Remember, "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and karaoke. Don't worry, I have a great excuse if I miss the Monday morning finals/ Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !