Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Resolutions And Advice For New Year's Eve

Well, tonight's New Year's Eve and before I get into my silliness, I'd like to remind you that tonight is amateur night for drinkers. People who do not drink all year will have a sip of the spirits tonight and that spells danger (Will Robinson). Over the years, one of the things I have learned is that if you're going out, try to stay close to home. The shorter the path to safety the less chance you'll encounter problems.

For the non-drinkers who will drink tonight, eat first and pace yourself! You'll handle the liquor much easier by drinking slowly on a full stomach. Once you start feeling the alcohol, make sure you call all of your family and friends to wish them a Happy New Year. Then, you can go ahead and throw-up, lose your cell phone and pass out in the front yard.

For the ladies who get a bit tipsy, look around for the silver haired gentleman with shaded glasses. Flick your bic and hold it high. It's much easier for me to find you in a crowd.

Those of you making New Year's resolutions might want to clearly think out the potential consequences before making them. One resolution always made on New Year's Day is "I'll never drink again." Obviously this is a resolution you may keep for 364 days, but New Year's Eve does occur annually and you're back to square one.

Some of the people in the news are making New Year's resolutions as well and you'll find them throughout today's post. I've learned from the past not to make any serious resolutions as most of them are broken within days of making them. My resolution for 2009 is to continue doing what I did in 2008 but with a better success rate. There are, however, a few minor exceptions from the 2008 list which I will not address at this time.

Tonight is one of the best nights to head to AREA 51 and, as usual, I have no idea where I'm going. On this particular evening, it doesn't really matter as there are parties everywhere and it's simply a question of finding them.

This Date In History: 1600; The East India Company, which will be a major force in the history of India for more than 200 years, is established by charter granted by Elizabeth I. 1775; At the outset of the American War of Independence, American troops under General Richard Montgomery and Colonel Benedict Arnold make an unsuccessful attempt to take Quebec from the British.

1805; The French Republican Calendar, in use since 1793, is abolished by Napoleon I. 1865; Wellington supersedes Auckland as the capital of New Zealand. 1879; Thomas Edison publicly demonstrates his incandescent electric light bulb. 1960; The farthing, in use as currency in England since the 13th century, ceases to be legal tender.

Picture Of The Day: New Year's resolutions from people in the 2008 news are today's subject matter. It's fun to see what these zany characters will think of next. These are only a few of them and the rest of them will be featured on Jimmy's Journal - The Original. You can click the link on my sidebar or click the link below.

Birthdays: Bonnie Prince Charlie, known as the Young Pretender, or Bonnie Prince Charlie, claimant to the British throne who led the Scottish Highland army in the Forty-Five uprising 1720; Charles Cornwallis, general and statesman 1738; George Meade, American army officer 1815; Henri Matisse, French artist 1869; George Marshall, American military commander 1880; Jule Styne, British-born American composer 1905; Anthony Hopkins, actor 1937; Ben Kingsley, actor 1943.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $5,000. please advise. "The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

That's it for today my little munchkins. Have a safe and Happy New Year and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 29, 2008

You Only Live Twice or "You Bought Her What?"

I know, I know, I said I probably wouldn't go out to AREA 51 Friday night, but I did. I really wasn't going anywhere when, lo and behold, my partner in crime, Emilio called me and, using undue influence and peer pressure, invited me for a drink. It started out innocently enough and we stopped by the local Winn Dixie to purchase some items. It just so happened that the Cigar club is in the same shopping center, so.......

After making some quick donations in a poker game, we headed over to Lakes Cafe and Sports Bar for some drinks. It was unusually slow for a Friday night and after one drink we decided to check out one more place, which was actually closed at 11:30 p.m. The handwriting was on the wall and we realized it would be a good idea to call it an evening. Emilio's actual words were, "I can't take another 8:00 in the morning deal," a thought which I readily agreed with. Discretion being the better part of valor, I arrived home about 12:30 a.m., which I thought was pretty good.

So what did Santa bring you? It seems that Christmas and the holidays bring out the little boy or girl in all of us. I don't care what people say, that little boy or girl in all of us thinks it's better to receive than give. Unfortunately, sometimes the giver has not thought the process of giving out thoroughly (or did not get the obvious hints one usually emits when nearing the holidays).

Witness the poor soul whose Aunt Matilda sends him a fruitcake. Anyone in their right mind knows that the only real use for a fruitcake is a doorstop. I always feel sorry for the men that receive ties for Christmas. As a business man, I always enjoyed receiving ties and even if they weren't very chic, I could always exchange them for a more suitable one. Other men, however, have very little use for ties since they work as auto mechanics or other trades.

Fortunately for men, their better half, sister or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox. Although these things are not very flashy, it always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.

Women don't fare much better as most men have no idea what to buy for a woman. The usual resource for those who do not read the obvious and sometimes blatant hints, is wandering to the jewelry department and purchasing something there. Others attempt to purchase perfume, but that's a tricky and dangerous idea. If it smells delicious and she doesn't already have the same perfume in her inventory, she'll wonder how you know about this particular perfume. In any case, no matter what a man purchases for the special women in their life, it is usually and discretely exchanged.

My tip for men would be not to give cash and try to eliminate the middle man. Women need to go through the ceremonial gift opening ritual and then they exchange whatever you purchased. Fortunately, women have that sixth sense and they know in advance that men will purchase the wrong present. The day after Christmas sale was designed specifically for that purpose and in case you didn't notice, women shoppers outnumber male shoppers by an incredible amount.

This Date In History: 1170; Thomas à Becket is murdered in Canterbury Cathedral by four knights loyal to Henry I. 1845; Texas is admitted into the United States of America as the 28th state of the union.

1890; Hundreds of unarmed Sioux men, women, and children are massacred by the 7th Cavalry at Wounded Knee, in South Dakota, in the last major clash between Native Americans and American soldiers. 1937; The Irish Free State, the Irish dominion of the Commonwealth of Nations established by the Anglo-Irish Treaty of 1921, passes into history and becomes the new independent state of √Čire.

Picture Of The Day: The holiday gifts that people sometimes receive do not always meet their expectations. The current economy have effected the value of some of these gifts as well and politics always seem to always have a residual effect. Be that as it may, I found a few holiday gifts that I hope will amuse you.

Birthdays: Marquise de Pompadour, mistress of Louis XV 1721, Charles Macintosh, inventor and chemist 1766, Charles Goodyear, American inventor 1800, Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States 1808, William Gladstone, British statesman, four times Prime Minister of Great Britain 1809, Pablo Casals, Spanish cellist 1876, Vera Brittain, novelist and autobiographer 1893.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett, my pal Jerry and brother Kirt for some of today's stories.

The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No!", and the man drank beer and caroused with women and stayed out late and used the guest towels and farted at will and didn't put the toilet seat down and lived happily ever after.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

A man took his wife to see a doctor because she wasn't feeling well. After testing her, the doctor went to the waiting room to speak with the husband. "Well sir, she has either two things. Alzheimer's or HIV." Very confused the man replied "How did you get that conclusion? They are totally different." The doctor replied, "Although they're very different, they look identical in the early stages."

After a short pause the man asked, "So, what do you suggest I do doctor?" The doctor answered, "Take her for a ride deep into the valley then drop her off." Even more confused the man asked, "Then what?" The doctor replied, "If she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. She asked, "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd looked puzzled but agreed. Out of the blue, she blurts out “57!” He was stunned but kept his word and allowed her to pick out a sheep. She picked out the cutest one. He looked at her and said “If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

That's it for today my little party planners. More on New Year's Eve.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 26, 2008

There Has To Be A Morning After And It's Called Payback !

Christmas Eve and Noche Buena were fantastic! After eating, I hooked up with my pal, Emilio around 10:00 p.m. and we ventured out into AREA 51 to see some friends and party. We went to three parties that evening and surprisingly, the streets were rather quiet as most people were at parties. You can always tell when you're getting close to a good party because you can hear it two blocks before you see it.

Somewhere around 2:30 a.m., we decided to stop at Emilio's house and kick back ostensibly to have a quick nightcap and call it at night. Emilio suggested that we play a few hands of poker and that led into some intense games which kept us laughing and talking most of the night.

The next thing I knew there was light coming into the windows and we realized that we had either entered the Twilight Zone or morning had broken. Needless to say it was the latter and I got home around 8:30 a.m.

I woke up around 1:00 p.m. on Christmas Day and after scouring the house for the rest of my body parts, I began making phone calls and got on the computer to send Christmas wishes to family and friends. If, by chance, there are any of you that I did not call or email, please consider this author's condition and a belated Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.

Christmas night, I was invited to see my pals Dr. Marc, Rosie and Chico (his Siberian Husky). Rosie was her usual self, planning the evening to a tee and providing a luscious lay-out of food that was delicious. Probably the best dish of the night was fresh Florida avocados with extra virgin olive oil, lemon juice and freshly ground pepper. Mmmmm !

We retired to the patio which overlooks a beautiful lake and invited our mutual friend and spiritual advisor Johnnie Walker Black to join us in a evening of conversation and laughs. I'm not real sure what time we left but I believe it was early a.m.

Today's Friday and usually that means my weekly trek into AREA 51 but I'm not too sure if that will come to pass. Since I'm no longer in Olympic training condition, it may prove to be mission impossible. The again, I've been known to change my mind at the last moment. It's early yet, so we'll see.

Just A Note: I've added a new link to my good friend Carlos Oliva's web site. Carlos and I go back a number of years and his CDs and albums are listed at his site. Carlos sings in both English and Spanish and he was one of the orginators of combing the two languages in song. Check out his site by clicking the link under "favorite sites" on my sidebar.

This Date In History: 1776; During the American War of Independence, a British army of Hessian mercenaries is defeated by an American force led by George Washington at the Battle of Trenton. 1898; Marie Curie, along with her husband Pierre Curie, announces the existence of a new radioactive element, radium.

1941; Winston Churchill becomes the first British prime minister to address a joint meeting of the US Congress. 1943; At the Battle of the North Cape, the German battle cruiser Scharnhorst, while attempting to attack a British Arctic convoy to the USSR, is sunk by the Royal Navy.

1972; Harry S. Truman, the US president during the final months of World War II, dies aged 88 in Independence, Kansas. 2004; A tsunami in the Indian Ocean kills hundreds of thousands in South East Asia.

Picture Of The Day: I've posted a picture of my pal Emilio as well as my pals Dr. Marc and Rosie. I told myself both Christmas Eve and Christmas day that I'd take pictures with my cell phone while I was out and about but Old Timers Disease just won't allow me to do so. Perhaps I'll just pin a note on my shirt before going out with my name and address on it and instructions for me to take pictures of wherever I'm at and then take me to the hom..., to my home.

I also came across this great graphic of Santa Bush and the U.S. Congress' Christmas bailout card for the American taxpayer. I'm quite sure that president-elect Obama-lama-ding-dong will pick up the financial cross, walk across the water to the U.S. Congress and begin spending money like he just cashed his Friday paycheck at the liquor store. Create and spend..... I can't wait to see who's gong to pay for all of this, other than the usual suspects.

Birthdays: Thomas Gray, poet 1716, Charles Babbage, British mathematician and inventor, who designed and built mechanical computing machines on principles that anticipated the modern electronic computer 1791, Henry Miller, American writer 1891, Mao Zedong, Chinese communist leader 1893.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A young blonde woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She`d just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense , she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,”Why are you back so soon?” She answered, “I was stung by a bee.” The golf Pro asked, “Where?” The woman said, “Between the first and second holes.” The golf Pro nodded his head knowingly and said,”Then your stance is too wide.”

That's it for today my little fruitcakes. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Twas The Day Before Christmas And The Festivities Have Begun

It's the day before Christmas and I'm trying to plan my journey this evening. AREA 51 will be expanded greatly as today and tomorrow are days of parties and fiestas and with a little luck, I'll be right in the middle of them. For my Latin friends, tonight is Noche Buena and is celebrated by roasting pork either in a pit or on a apparatus called a Caja China.

They begin roasting the pig or lechon early today and it will cook all day until dinner this evening. It is served with a variety of side dishes including arroz con frijoles negro (black beans and rice), yuca con mojo (boiled yuca topped with a sauce of olive oil, the juice of a sour orange, and lots of garlic) and, of course, platano maduro (fried ripe plantains).

More importantly, the evening is a non stop party with beautiful women, dancing and plenty of spirits. It is a family affair and you may see several domino games going on and an occasional poker game. The aroma of roasted pork permeates the air and it's a great night for partying.

Time and logistics will not allow me to visit all the parties I'd like to attend, so tonight will be based on the closeness of party A to party B. Since some parties start early and some start later, it becomes a question of how well one can play party hop-Scotch.

The great thing about the Latins celebrating Noche Buena is that the next day, I take off my proverbial sombrero and put on my Yuletide Cap and begin seeing all of my other friends on Christmas Day as well. Two days of fantastic parties are fun but methinks Friday will be questionable. But one never knows, do one?

Well, It's an early post but the parties will be starting soon and I can already smell the pork a roasting and the maids a.....?

This Date In History: 1814; Britain and the United States of America sign the Treaty of Ghent, formally ending the War of 1812. 1865; The secret terrorist organization the Ku Klux Klan is formed in Pulaski, Tennessee, by six former Confederate army officers.

1871; Giuseppe Verdi's opera Aida, commissioned by the khedive of Egypt to celebrate the opening of the Suez Canal, is premiered in Cairo. 1914; The first-ever air raid on Britain takes place when a German bomb drops on a church in Dover, Kent. 1968; The Apollo 8 spacecraft makes the first-ever orbit of the Moon.

Picture Of The Day: For those of you who have not yet decided what to get me for Christmas, I thought I'd post some graphics which may help you decide. Keep in mind that it's the thought that counts at this time of year, so if you haven't thought of anything yet, these pictures may help you.

As I don't want to overly burden you in making this important decision, I will be pasting more suggestions intermittently so that you have an assortment of ideas.

Birthdays: John, king of England 1167; St Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Jesuits 1491, Kit Carson, American hunter, trapper, and scout 1809, Howard Hughes, American manufacturer, pilot, and film producer 1905, Ava Gardner, American film actress 1922.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm and said "Want some of this?" Her husband replied, "Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"

That's it for today, my friends. Have a great and safe Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 22, 2008

Jimmy's Handy Dandy Recession Proof Ideas And Liquor Store

Ok, we're in a recession and the world economy is going down the porcelain receptacle. The question is, how do we survive? Well, fear not my little penny pincher's, Jimmy has answers. For the entrepreneurs, try adding a new line to your business. You can also diversify your inventory and don't be afraid to experiment. New businesses can open up overnight.

In New York City, there would be brisk sales at "Rabbi Murray's Circumcision and Bagel Shop." In Harlem, you could patronize "Willie's Fried Chicken and Pawnshop." In the South, businesses like "Bubba's Wedding Dresses and Shotgun Sales" would do very well. In Miami, business would be booming at "Havana Joe's Used Cars and Inflatable Rafts."

For business minded people in East Los Angeles, "Paco's Tacos, Ladders and Barbed Wire Cutters" would have a phenomenal income. Nightclub owners in San Francisco could add pharmaceuticals to their menu for the wise drinker who knows a hangover when he sees it coming. Intelligent business people in Las Vegas would rake in the moolah by opening "O.J.'s Sports Memorabilia And Prison Tours."

One of the easiest ways to bring home the bacon is to sign up for Blogspot AdSense, where you can make over $.01 per day by putting advertising on your journal. As your money grows, you can probably earn nearly $49.00 by next Christmas.

There are other ways to earn money, as well. You can sell your blood and if you're really good with a syringe, you can sell your mate's blood as well. Just be careful not to wake them. For the gentlemen, you can always sell your sperm and watch free movies at the same time.

Sharing is always an entertaining way to save money. Take a shower with a friend or your pet's food with your spouse. Coupons clippers can save money buy buying in bulk. Major grocery chains always offer 24 rolls of paper towels and 36 rolls of toilet paper at reduced prices. The only drawback is the rental truck you need to take the goods to the warehouse you need to rent to store it. Five gallon jars of mayonnaise, catchup and mustard are always a good buy and they fit so easily into your refrigerator.

How about you, my sexy little readers? Do you have any suggestions? Remember, as my parents often told me..... eat your food, there are people starving in China. Now I know why! China sends all their food to Walmart because even the Chinese wouldn't eat that crap.

This Date In History: 1715; James Francis Edward Stuart, known as the Old Pretender, lands at Peterhead, Scotland, to lead a doomed Jacobite rebellion to seize the British throne. 1894; French officer Alfred Dreyfus is convicted of treason and sent to Devil's Island.

1895; German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen takes the world’s first X-ray, a photograph of his wife’s hand. 1938; Although believed to have become extinct about 70 million years ago, a living coelacanth is captured by a trawler fishing off the eastern coast of South Africa. 1956; Anglo-French forces complete their withdrawal from Egypt, thus ending the Suez Crisis.

Photo Of The Day: Plumbing and Prostate Exams are a prime example of how inter-related job skills can be successfully incorporated together. Retailers all over the nation are diversifying and today's pictures are just one example of how to survive a recession by being flexible.

Birthdays: My pal, Carmen. Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, John Crome, painter and etcher 1768, Frank Kellogg, American lawyer and politician 1856, Giacomo Puccini, Italian composer 1858, Edwin Robinson, American poet 1869, Alan Bush, composer, pianist, and conductor 1900.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

The old gentleman asked, "How do you feel about sex?" The elderly lady, responding very carefully, said, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one."

The annoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

That's it for today my busy little elves. Shop 'til ya drop and more on Christmas Eve.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 19, 2008

Shoes Fly, Don't Bother Me !

It was confirmed this afternoon by Florida authorities that the skeletal remains recently discovered in Orlando were, in fact, the remains of little Caylee Anthony. DNA results showed that the remains matched Caylee's DNA profile and is being classified as a homicide. Although there was little doubt in most people's minds as to the identity of the remains, the findings can at last put an end to the search and the child can be laid to rest.

With all of the other evidence that prosecutors already have on hand against her worthless mother Casey Anthony, discovering the child's remains erases another possible excuse to escape the death penalty. Either way, I am hopeful that she never sees the light of day again, the final judgement of the supreme being notwithstanding.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich held a two minute press conference today to state he was innocent and would fight the charges filed against him. Someone should have told Blago that he could have stated this from the front porch of his home and saved the public the cost of a useless press conference.

I don't profess to be a Rhodes Scholar, but I did pay attention in English class. My biggest peeve with the media is word pronunciation and the biggest example of mispronunciation is none other than President Dufus Dubya Bush and his mangling of the word "nuclear" (new-cle-are not new-cue-lar). Another word that makes me crazy is jewelry which is often mispronounced "jew-ler-ry." Finally, being in real estate for 35 years, the word realtor is often mispronounced as "real-a-tor."

My newest irritations are the stores that use "Xmas" in the advertisements. I assume that they can't spell the word Christ or they are to lazy to write it. Additionally are the words "for free." There is no reason to use the word "for", i.e., "I got this product free (not "for free")." These are supposedly educated people. but you couldn't tell that from the way that they express themselves.

Today's Friday and a good reason to escape to AREA 51 for a little rest and recreation. I plan on meeting with my pal and spiritual advisor Johnnie Walker Black and see what happens.

This Date In History: 1562; The French Wars of Religion begin with the Battle of Dreux. 1783; William Pitt the Younger becomes Britain’s youngest-ever prime minister at the age of 24. 1972; The Apollo 17 spacecraft splashes down in the Pacific Ocean bringing to an end the US Apollo programme of landing men on the Moon.

1975; The Altair 8800, considered to be the first successful “personal” computer, goes on sale for the first time. 1984; Britain formally agrees to return Hong Kong to China.

Picture Of The Day: It seems the Photoshop people are working overtime to come up with funny pictures. The Bush and Obama fans have been having a field day with these easy targets and there has been a plethora of excellent pics that have been photoshopped. Unfortunately you can't post some of them lest ye offend the politically correct dimwits.

Birthdays: William Edward Parry, naval explorer of the Arctic 1790. Albert Abraham Michelson, German-born American physicist 1852, Ralph Richardson, actor 1902, Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet leader 1906, Edith Piaf, Parisian popular singer 1915.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what’s that under your arm?" The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." The ticket agent said, "We don’t allow animals in the theater."

The irritated old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

Mildred whispered, "Marge, I think this guy next to me is a pervert." Marge replied, "What makes you think that?" Mildred whispered, "He unzipped his pants and is exposing himself."

Marge said, "Well, don’t worry about it, At our age we’ve seen them all." Mildred said, "Yeah, but this one is eating my popcorn."

That's it for today my little sleigh belles. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


As I told you on Monday, I spent part of my weekend rummaging through old pictures. After finding the pictures I posted on Monday, I found pictures of myself and the kids when we went camping in the Florida Everglades. That is a story in itself as I often muse about the survivor shows on television. I was doing things like that as a teenager with the exception that there wasn't a television crew filming it and I didn't have the luxury to yell cut if I ran into an alligator. Perhaps I'll tell you some of my Everglades camping and fishing stories in the future. In the interim I'll show you a few pictures from that trip today.

Additionally I have scrapbooks that I began in my early teens that were centered around stock car racing in the Miami area. I was involved in stock car racing as well as go kart racing most of my teenage and early adult years. I have driven race cars and go-karts and I follow the sport closely today. As I was browsing the scrapbooks, the first thing that I realized was that the newspaper articles were yellowing and the pages were beginning to crumble from age.

I have decided that I would begin scanning all of my old family pictures, my old racing pictures and the newspaper articles into my computer. Today, I'm posting a some of my racing photographs as well. Some of the Miami area race car drivers went on to become national champions and were often seen racing on television. It's going to be a lengthy task, but at least I'll be able to save the memories and the images on my computer and later transfer the to DVDs.

It's Hump Day and I hope to be able to stop by AREA 51 to see my pals. I'm not completely sure if I'll go tonight as my left foot has been giving me problems from my last late night soiree. We'll see...

This Date In History: 1777; France officially recognizes the independence of the United States. 1788; During the Russo-Turkish Wars, a Russian army, commanded by Marshal Grigory Potemkin, captures the city of Ochakov on the Black Sea.

1903; Near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, the Wright Brothers make the first powered aeroplane flight in history. 1967; Australian prime minister Harold Holt vanishes in mysterious circumstances while swimming off Cheviot Beach in Victoria.

Picture Of The Day: It's a eclectic post today with my Everglades camping trip with the kids and some of my racing photos all mixed together. But as you know, I'm not one to always march to the same drumbeat as the others, so please excuse today's mess. There are many stories going through my mind as I make today's post, all stemming from finding the three pictures I posted this past Monday.

Birthdays: Joseph Henry, American physicist 1797, John Greenleaf Whittier, American poet 1807, Ford Madox Ford, novelist and critic 1873, Arthur Fiedler, American conductor 1894, Erskine Caldwell, American novelist 1903, Willard Frank Libby, American chemist 1908.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

One morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman, deeply hurt, just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong ma'am? You look mad." She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you, I would take down his badge number and report him. The woman says, "You're right sir I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

That's it for today my little tinsel toes. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 15, 2008

That Was The Week That Was And Some Old Family Pictures

Some of you may be too young to remember but there used to be a comedy show called That Was The Week That Was and that's what I thought about last week's news. The major difference that TW3 was comedy and last week's news was far from comedy.

Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich started the week off with his being arrested for scandal and attempting to sell Barack Obama's vacant senate seat to the highest bidder. Wall Street money manager Bernard Madoff screwed investors out of approximately 50 billion dollars. A small child's skeletal remains were discovered near the home of Casey Anthony and fears are that it is the remains of daughter Caylee Anthony.

Over the weekend, an Iraqi reporter hurled his shoes at President George Bush and unfortunately, he missed. As I digested the weekly news this weekend and listened to the constant stories about the failing economy, I happened to see a series of actors from one of the major networks (I think it was CBS) wishing everyone "Happy Holidays." Every single one of them said "Happy Holidays".

Well guess what Elmer, it's MERRY CHRISTMAS ! All of the major news networks and the cable news networks go out of their way to wish people Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Ramadan or Happy Three Kings Day. I have no problem whatsoever in accepting other people's religions and holidays and most other people don't have a problem respecting mine. It's the politically correct idiots of the media that fail the test. So, I want to be added to the politically correct list and on December 25th, I like the media to say that we'd like to wish the ten or twelve Christians of the world a MERRY CHRISTMAS, not a happy holiday.

I was going through some old boxes over the weekend and I happened to run across a few old pictures when I was married, so I thought I'd share a few with you. You may notice that my hair was darker in those days, but I assure you it still is. It's just that I have chosen to color my hair to silver to add a more "extinguished" look.

This Date In History: 1791; The first ten amendments to the US Constitution, known as the Bill of Rights, become law following ratification by the state of Virginia. 1890; In South Dakota, Sioux leader Sitting Bull is arrested on suspicion of leading an uprising, and then killed in a subsequent gunfight. 1899; At the Battle of Colenso, during the South African War, or Boer War, Britain suffers a major defeat at the hands of the Boers.

1944; American bandleader Glenn Miller dies when his small plane, en route to Paris, disappears over the English Channel. 1982; Spain ends its 13-year blockade of Gibraltar by partially re-opening its border. 1993; The British and Irish prime ministers sign the Downing Street Declaration, a statement of fundamental principles with regard to the future of Northern Ireland.

Picture Of The Day The pictures of my family and myself are circa 1980 and were taken in various places. The snow picture was taken at Steamboat Springs, Colorado during ski season. The family picture was taken in the living room of my humble abode and the night club picture was taken in a casino right after wifey-poo and I had a little tiff about my gambling. I think the casino was Caesar's Palace, but frankly, I don't remember.

Birthdays: Gustave Eiffel, French engineer and builder 1832, Antoine Henri Becquerel, French physicist 1852, Jean Paul Getty, American oil executive and financier 1892, Maurice Wilkins, biophysicist 1916, Edna O'Brien, Irish novelist 1932.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to the very sweet Linda in Washington for the following:

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what he had just witnessed Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place .......spank his ass again!"

Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated." The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there." Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick. The vet says, "What happened?" Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew first."

That's it for today my litlle stocking stuffers. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !