Monday, June 29, 2015

A Tribute To A Dear Friend

I learned last week that my dear friend Mercy Silva Hernandez passed away after a gallant fight with cancer. Mercy and I met in the early '70s and was one of the finest persons I've ever known. Although I learned this last week, I needed some time to consider how I would write this memorium.

Mercy was a successful real estate agent and mortgage broker, but more importantly, a great friend. I don't handle prolonged sickness or death well, yet somehow I feel relieved knowing that Mercy is no longer suffering and is in a better place.

Aside from our friendship, Mercy and I served together on the Miami Dade Board of Realtors. Each board member is required to chair a sub-committee. Neither Mercy nor I were interested in any political committees, so we co-chaired the Social Committee, which consisted of planning banquets, parties and like invents. It was tantamount to leaving mice to tend the cheese. We threw some classic parties.

Mercy and her husband, Pedro, also had a yearly Christmas party at their business and those in the know were quite aware that this was a party not to be missed. Live music, in-house singers and performers, plenty of liquor and, my favorite, lechon asado (roasted pork), black beans and rice, platanos maduros (fried plantains) and yuca con mojo. Great times!

Fittingly, Mercy's birthday, is December 31st (New Year's Eve) and I spent many a New Year's Eve at Pedro and Mercy's house. As Mercy was an accomplished singer-musician, the room was filled with drums, congas and complete with a P.A. system and multiple microphones. The night was filled with dancing and singers. 

Mercy always smiled. I cannot ever remember seeing her angry. My heart goes out to her husband Pedro, her family and friends. I will miss Mercy, her infectious smile and the great times we spent together. Rest in peace my sweet friend.....

The News As I See It: In politics, you can't predict the outcome. Hillary was inevitable in '08 and then somebody newer and younger came along and it happened to her, just like with her husband...somebody newer and younger came along. This woman just can't catch a just keeps happening to her ~ Bill Maher (paraphrased)

Sarah Palin went on Facebook to announce that her daughter Bristol's wedding has been called off. She said the two families will still get together on the wedding day to "celebrate life." In other words, the caterers already have been paid for.

Apple is developing a service called Home Kit that will allow people to operate gadgets like garage openers and thermostats through one app. In related news, please don't tell my kids about this. They're already tired of explaining this new stuff to me.

This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare's Henry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts.

1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.

1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.

Picture Of The Day: Chief Justice John Roberts saved Obamacare three years ago. On Thursday of last week, the George W. Bush appointee again helped Obama’s signature legislative achievement avoid a potentially devastating blow.

It’s a sad day for the Constitution when the clear terms of a statute can be "interpreted" away in the service of an aggressively lawless president. It is clearly evident that Republicans misjudged the chief justice when he was nominated a decade ago.

Thanks for the help, Bro. High five !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have no pride in relationships. My girlfriend broke up with me and I offered to stay on as the gardener. 2) I'm really not sure why people tell me to "be honest", then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce. 3) She said, "Go down a water slide without water and you'll understand why foreplay is so important." 4) Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.  5) 35 percent of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell, "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - June 29th: The lyrics, "rainy days and Mondays always get me down", won't apply to you today. Granted, today is Monday and the chance of rain is a proverbial crap shoot, but you'll escape from both in good shape. Chance of romance is twenty percent (it is Monday) but luck may come in another form. Don't get into an elevator with a midget.

Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, actor 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: You know when you go into a restaurant and it gets busy? They start a waiting list and they start calling out names, "Obama, party of two." They say again, "Obama, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name.

Yep, they just move on saying, "Biden, party of two." Yeah, but what happened to the Obamas? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "

Biden, search party of two!" You can eat once you find the Obama! Next!......Donner, party of eighty-seven....."

Murray Lipschitz passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Murray would be pleased." Her friend, Rachel, said, "I'm sure you're right."

Rachel lowered her voice, leaned in close and asked "How much did this really cost?" Rose said, "All of it....thirty thousand." Rachel exclaimed, "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Rose answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly and said, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" Rose said, "Two and a half carats."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest, most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy and said, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, saying. "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?"

There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking.

Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?" Minister Green said, "My lord!"

Then an idea struck Minister Green, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah." Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

That's it for today, my little titmice. Remember, the phone will not ring until you leave your recliner and walk to the bathroom.

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Friday, June 26, 2015

Order In The Supreme Court: Tossed Salad?

The Supreme Court has ruled that same-sex marriage is legal in all fifty states. Although pleased with the decision, Obama had hoped that the ruling would cover all 57 states. As a lesbian, I am pleased with the ruling as well.

Heterosexual couples have long suffered with this right and I find it only fair that same sex couples suffer equally. There was an equally compelling feeling of joy among divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.

Coming off a brilliant decision on Obamacare, in which they were able to determine what the writers of the Obamacare law meant to say instead of how the law was written, the Court has raised itself to a new level, previously obtained only by the Amazing Kreskin.

In light of their new abilities and powers, phrases like "no parking" can be interpreted in any way it pleases the court and the written word will be meaningless, opening a whole new can of worms.

After the court adjourns, Justice John Roberts will return to his part time job of kissing Obama's black ass, Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan will celebrate with their brethren and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg will be given a bottle of wine and returned to the nursing home. No word yet on Groucho, Harpo or Zippo.

The News As I See It: The Supreme Court ruled to preserve the Affordable Care Act, more commonly known as Obamacare, so we now can do anything we want. We could drink, smoke, jump mini-bikes off bridges, or play chainsaw tag if we want to. If we get hurt, it's not our problem. It's America's problem, together.

Obama triumphantly declared that the Affordable Care Act is here to stay. Then he went into the Rose Garden and secretly smoked a cigarette.

Donald Trump, while leading reporters on a tour of one of his golf courses, said this week that "the Latinos love Trump and I love them." And what better place for a white guy to declare his love for Latinos, than on a golf course.

This Date In History: 1819; The bicycle was patented by W. K. Clarkson. 1843; Hong Kong was proclaimed a British crown colony. 1906; The first Grand Prix motor race was held in Le Mans, France. 1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway, connecting the Great Lakes and the Atlantic, was opened.

1963; President John Kennedy gave his, "Ich bin ein Berliner" (I am a Berliner) speech in West Berlin.1976; The CN tower in Toronto opened, then the world's tallest free-standing structure.

2000; The first map of the human genome, which required decoding more than 3 billion biochemical "letters" of human DNA, is completed. 2003; Former South Carolina senator Strom Thurmond died at age 100.

Picture Of The Day: Justice Elena Kagen continues her good work.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why am I always behind morons at McDonald's who act like they've never seen the menu in their life? 2) I had amnesia once - maybe twice. 3) A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense. Back in the day, we called our band "A Cappella". We came up with that name as we were walking out of the pawn shop. 4) My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend.....yet. 5) Alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. So for 14 long years, not a single person sang karaoke.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - June 26th: Today is tailor made for you. Go to a nice restaurant for lunch and buy a few lottery tickets. Oh, and buy gas... The prices will continue to rise. Chances for romance are 67.62 percent and even higher if you've got gas...., from the gas station...., Ah hell, you know what I mean!

Birthdays: Bernard Berenson, art critic 1865, Pearl S. Buck, American author 1893, William Lear, inventor 1902, Babe Didrickson Zaharias, athlete 1911, Claudio Abbado, conductor 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There were twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to take the pictures of them. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He said we have to sit on the sofa." The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." Again, the hard of hearing twin asked, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "We have to sit closer together." They wiggled up close to each other.

The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." Yet again, the hard of hearing twin said, "What did he say?" Her sister replied, "He says he's going to focus." The hard of hearing twin exclaimed, "Oh my God, both of us?"

Four guys have been going on the same hunting trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Chris' wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Chris' buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Chris sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. One of them asks, "Damn Chris, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" Chris says, "Well, I've been here since yesterday." The guys asks, "How did you convince her?"

Chris says, "Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom."

Chris went on, "The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and handcuff her to the bed, and I did. Then she said, 'Do whatever you want'. So, here I am."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve. They had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell said, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!" Miss Annabell said, "They call them homosexuals." The young girls fan themselves and say "Oh my! Oh my!"

Miss Annabell continued, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls asked, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell said, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell said, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The young girls squealed, "Oh My! Oh My!," as they sat on the edge of their chairs and fanned themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they asked in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and said in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'."

That's it for today, my little Junebugs. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

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Wednesday, June 24, 2015

What Woman Will Be On The New $10 Bill (Clinton)?

They're putting a woman on the $10 bill. I have no problems with putting a woman on money (no pun intended), but I would opt for the $20 instead of the $10. If I had to choose, I'd remove Andrew Jackson before Alexander Hamilton, one of the founding fathers.

The $10 bill announcement by Treasury Secretary Jack Lew was intended to set off both a celebration and a great national debate. For the first time in more than a century, the portrait of a woman would grace a major denomination of U.S. paper currency and the government wanted the public to help decide which heroine of democracy would receive the honor.

The redesigned sawbuck would be unveiled in 2020, in time for the centennial anniversary of women’s suffrage. Some of the nation’s most prominent voices have been fighting to save the founding father she would displace.....Alexander Hamilton.

Chief among them was Ben Bernanke, who as chairman of the Federal Reserve oversaw the central bank responsible for issuing the nation’s currency. “I must admit I was appalled to hear of Treasury Secretary Jack Lew's decision last week to demote Alexander Hamilton from his featured position on the ten dollar bill,” the typically-circumspect ex-chairman wrote on the blog he publishes for the Brooking Institution.

In a piece devoted to the exaltation of the country’s first Treasury secretary, Bernanke added that placing a woman on a currency note was “a fine idea, but it shouldn't come at Hamilton's expense.” On the White House’s “We the People” website, two separate petitions have been launched to keep Hamilton on the $10 bill.

The controversy stems from the messy convergence of a grassroots movement and a federal bureaucracy moving at its ordinary, glacial pace. For months, a campaign called Women on 20s has been gaining steam in its bid to pressure the Treasury Department into replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill with a woman in time for the 2020 commemoration of the 19th Amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote.

The News As I See It: During a podcast interview, Obama dropped the N-word. In a related story, his new rap album drops on Wednesday.

From now on, I will exchange Father's Day greetings only with people who have seen me in my underwear, in person. If you've seen me in my underwear in a bar, that doesn't count.

Last weekend, The Washington Nationals’ Max Scherzer pitched a no-hitter against the Pittsburgh Pirates. He said it was his Father’s Day gift to his dad. Then his brother said, "Uh, can you put my name on that too? I got him a mug."

Obama has 19 months left and media outlets are speculating about what his legacy will be. Some think it could be healthcare or the trade deal, however most people believe that it's because he was the first mulatto president.

This Date In History: 1509; Henry VIII was crowned king of England. 1647; Early American feminist Margaret Brent demanded a seat and vote in the Maryland Assembly, but was ejected from that body.

1675; King Philip's War, the most devastating war between the colonists and Indians, began with Indians attacking the Swansea (Massachusetts) settlement. 1908; The 22nd and 24th president of the United States, Grover Cleveland, died in Princeton, N.J.

1947; Kenneth Arnold, an American pilot, reported seeing strange objects near Mt. Rainier, Washington. He described them as "saucers skipping across the water," hence the term "flying saucers" was born.

1948; The Soviet Union began a blockade of Berlin. Allied forces responded with what would be known as the Berlin Airlift flying in more than 2 million tons of supplies over the next year.

1997; The U.S. Air Force released The Roswell Report, closing the case on the 1947 Roswell, N.M. incident concerning UFOs and alien bodies. 2011; New York passes a law to allow same-sex marriage, becoming the largest state that allows gay and lesbian couples to marry.

2012; Lonesome George, the last known Pinta Island Tortoise, died at a Galapagos National Park, making the subspecies extinct.

Picture Of The Day: Beyond words. Add your own punchline.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in five years. 2) Men reach their sexual peak around age 18 while women reach their sexual peak around age 35. Just about the time women reach their sexual peak, men are beginning to realize they have a favorite chair. 3) I used to date a woman who couldn't cook although she protested that she could. Hey, even I know that fabric softener doesn't go into meatloaf. 4) I wish today's youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you're talking on it.  5) At the young age of 5, a bear wearing a hat told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know but I'll carry this burden the rest of my life.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - June 24th: This week may start poorly, but it's going to be a decisive winner for you. Remember, it's always darkest just before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Birthdays: Sir John Ross, arctic explorer 1777, Henry Ward Beecher, clergyman 1813, Ambrose Bierce, satirist 1842, Jack Dempsey, world champion boxer 1895, John Ciardi, poet 1916, Anita Desai, writer 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An airline pilot hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" The pilot said, "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Two girlfriends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks the man, "What's going on?"

The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Obama and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "On average, about a gallon."

A farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what’s that under your arm?" The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." The ticket agent said, "We don’t allow animals in the theater."

The irritated old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

Mildred whispered, "Marge, I think this guy next to me is a pervert." Marge replied, "What makes you think that?" Mildred whispered, "He unzipped his pants and is exposing himself."

Marge said, "Well, don’t worry about it, At our age we’ve seen them all." Mildred said, "Yeah, but this one is eating my popcorn."

That's it for today, my little tangerines. Remember,always sing like no one is listening and dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Monday, June 22, 2015

Breaking.... Breaking.... Broken News

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Jimmy's World News reporter Skip Gibson said that Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

Sceneario: You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"

The News As I See It: Boston Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval was forced to sit out last night, after he was caught “liking” pictures of women on Instagram during a game. The team actually benched him. Even worse, when he got home, his girlfriend couched him.

People in Japan can now purchase "Pepper," which is a four-foot-tall robot that can keep you company and guess your mood. Hey, if you just bought a robot to keep you company, my guess is that your mood is lonely.

There are reports that Amazon may be able to launch its drone delivery program within the next year. So if you hear your doorbell and see a robot hovering near your house, it could be the end of the world..... or, the 6 pack of atheletic socks you ordered.

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created. 1874; Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1943; W.E.B. DuBois became the first black member of the National Institute of Letters. 1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights. 1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died. 2011; Legendary Boston crime boss, James "Whitey" Bulger is found and arrested by federal authorities in Santa Monica, Calif.

Picture Of The Day: Scientists do not hold services at the Vatican. The Pope should take this into consideration when reporting on Global Warming.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I asked my dad for some child care advice when I was a young father and he said, "Always punch holes in the box so that they can breathe." 2) The movie "Top Gun" was not realistic. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise is so short that he can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.   3) During a romantic interlude, I said to her. "Who's your daddy" and she said, "You are!" and asked me to pay off her student loans. 4) Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I'd hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands. 5) My friend said to me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." I said, "Really? What kind is it?" He said, "Twelve-thirty.".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - June 22nd: Do not dwell on your personal pecadilloes. Everyone has their own. Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca.

Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author 1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author 1906, Joseph Papp,  stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass, fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson, composer 1936, Meryl Streep, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: She married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 4 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 2 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle, it makes your nose look too short......" Love, Grandma.

That's it for today, my little billy goats. Speaking of which, remember, dyslexia has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

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More on Monday.

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Friday, June 19, 2015

Flower Girl Steals The Show

This 4-year-old flower girl wasn't afraid to show a little affection at her mom Michelle Hall's Knoxville, Tennessee wedding. Flower girl Anderson surprised everyone when she planted a kiss on the ring bearer during a bridal party photo shoot.

Photographer Leah Bullard said, "I set up the wedding party for a formal shot as I do with every wedding and then asked the bride and groom to kiss. Since Anderson had been calling herself the bride the whole day, she assumed I was referring to her and went in for a kiss too. It was a memorable moment that had everyone in tears laughing."

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads and Step-Dads. It's not an easy job but some guy has to do it.....

The News As I See It: Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is "a totally unqualified nuisance." In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the presidency.

Rachel Dolezal, the white NAACP leader who said she is black, claimed there's no biological proof that she's white. However, today that was disproven by scientists who found a wine cooler in her bloodstream.

For the first time in 140 years, a black bear was spotted in Indiana. When questioned, the bear said, "Actually, I just identify as black."

The Golden State Warriors beat the Cleveland Cavaliers to win their first NBA title in 40 years. Andre Iguodala of the Warriors was named the MVP, which is great news for everyone except whoever has to engrave that name on a trophy.

This Date In History: 1862; Congress abolished slavery in the U.S. territories. 1865; Gen. Gordon Granger informed the citizens of Galveston, Texas, that the slaves were freed. The celebration of the day became known as Juneteenth.

1867; The first running of the Belmont Stakes. 1934; The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) was created. 1964; The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was approved. 1977; Pope Paul VI proclaimed John Neumann, the first male saint from the United States.

1987; The Supreme Court struck down a Louisiana law requiring any public school teaching the theory of evolution to teach creationism as well. 2002; Afghanistan president Hamid Karzai was sworn in.

Picture Of The Day: Bribery cohorts, former FIFA president Sepp Blatter and former Secretary of State Hillary "Leaky Bladder" Clinton compare note$.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego. 2) People sweat so that they don't catch fire while they're making love. 3) Viagra has been on the market now for more than 15 years. I find it hard to believe it's been so long. 4) I was getting on a plane to Las Vegas and I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to Las Vegas and send the other one to Los Angeles." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"  5) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeGemini - June 19th: The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom.

Whenever you feel unhappy today, go to the toilet. This action should soon turns things around for you.

Be happy for the good things that happen to you as it could be worse. Remember that time you woke up with your face in a plate of nachos and an Amish horse and buggy parked in front of your house?

Birthdays: Blaise Pascal, scientist and religious philosopher 1623, Guy Lombardo, band leader 1902, Lou Gehrig, American baseball player 1903, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, human rights activist 1945, Kathleen Turner, actress 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. She said, "Really? Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My mother-in-law got a pretty good look at you."

Word has it that the new $10 bill will have a picture of a woman on it. I wonder if Barry Soetero Obama has a hand in the new design? 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My Thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

She's single....

She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk and get laid tonight! Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!" She said, "Great! .....Could you watch my dog?

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, If you take the Ginko, you might be able to remember where you put the Viagra. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Happy Father's Day to all the Dads! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !