Friday, October 30, 2015

Trick Or Treat ?

I'm ready for Halloween. Today, I tested the electric fence and it's working fine. Should any of the little tykes swim the moat and escape the alligators, the prize is Snicker bars. Most of them forego the prize in lieu of safe passage back across the moat in my rowboat.

There'll be a lot of Halloween parties tomorrow. At one of my past Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked, "Where's the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

I like Halloween parties but I'm not one for costumes. My way of avoiding peer pressure to dress up is to merely wear black pants and a black shirt. The Pièce de résistance is a simple white piece of cardboard which I tuck underneath my collar and voila.....Father Jimmy. You'd be surprised at the number of young attractive women who need a good blessing......

A Weekend At Bernie's

The News As I See It: Obama gave a speech in Chicago and told police they have "work to do to restore trust" in the minority ghetto communities. It was going pretty well, but halfway through the speech, Obama got pulled over.

Walmart just announced that they are testing drones to deliver merchandise directly to your house. So finally you can buy Pampers, a case of Slim Jims and a shotgun all without leaving the comfort of your mobile home.

This Date In History: 1534; The English parliament passed the Act of Supremacy, making King Henry VIII head of the English church. 1938; Radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds, starring Orson Welles, caused nationwide panic among listeners.

1944; Martha Graham's ballet Appalachian Spring, with music by Aaron Copland, premiered. 1953; Gen. George C. Marshall won the Nobel Peace Prize for originating the Marshall Plan.

1974; Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of a 15-round bout in Kinshasa, Zaire ("rumble in the jungle") to regain his world heavyweight title.

Picture Of The Day: Trick or trick?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Halloween is tomorrow and that means the cobwebs in my house have just become decorations. 2) Rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy. 3) I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses.....especially if they're empty. 4) As it turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire. 5) Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time love came to me, all the good shapes and sizes were taken......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 30th: Looking into your future, it appears that a new love will present itself this week. Don't get overly excited, they come with baggage just like the rest of us.

Birthdays: John Adams, 2nd President of the United States 1735, Alfred Sisley, landscape painter 1839, Ezra Pound, American poet, critic and translator 1885, Ruth Gordon, actress and playwright 1896, Fred W. Friendly, broadcaster and author 1915, Louis Malle, director 1932, Diego Maradona, soccer player 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, '"Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

Some women were gathered and the subject of the conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic, so we can't use it." The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method." The others asked, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?"

The woman replied, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump... Bump... Bump... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...

On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and (wait for it)....the coffin stops.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do."

The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."

The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

That's it for today, my little hobgoblins. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great spooky weekend and more on Monday.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Agitators Have No Place On Television

While discussing possible new Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, MSNBC host Melissa Harris-Perry cautioned guest Alfonso Aguilar against using the phrase "hard worker," implying that it is somehow offensive to Blacks. Really?

So what's next Ms. Harris-Perry? If I say I like fried chicken, is that racist too? Should I just say "chicken" so that your feelings don't get hurt? Rather than using your show to try to bring the races together, you're looking under rocks to find words and read a new meaning to them. 

Here's a thought. Stick your witless politically correct thoughts up your ass. My father raised me to study hard in school and to work hard in life so that I could be a better person. If trivial bullshit is going to raise your ire, you have no business being on the air.

Fortunately MSNBC is an abortion in and of itself, so I guess you fit right in along with race baiter Al Sharpton. Statements like yours only promotes division among the races.

The News As I See It: Ben Carson now holds a 14-point lead over Donald Trump in Iowa. Experts say Carson appeals to Iowa’s conservatives, Iowa’s evangelicals, and both of Iowa’s black people.

Democratic candidates Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb announced that they are dropping out of the race. Which raises the question, what if two trees fall in the forest and there's nobody there to hear it?

According to a new report from the World Health Organization, bacon, sausage, hot dogs and others processed meats significantly increase your chance of getting cancer, which is an ugly way of saying I'm probably going to die doing what I love. I guess the point is some things in life are worth dying for and bacon is right at the top of those things.

This Date In History: 1793; Eli Whitney applied for a patent for the cotton gin. The same year, my great-great-great grandfather purchased a case of gin. Coincidence? 1886; The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

1919; Congress passed the Volstead Act, or the National Prohibition Act, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto. 1922; Benito Mussolini took control of the government of Italy. 1940; Italy invaded Greece during World War II.

1958; A new pope was elected—Pope John XXIII. 1962; Nikita Khrushchev told the U.S. that he had ordered the dismantling of Soviet missile bases in Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: Decisions, decisions, decisions

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Couples who have been married a long time start finishing each others sentences. The most popular ending being "Shut the f*ck up!" 2) I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone. 3) I give Obama a thumbs up for wanting more extensive background checks. Let's begin with him first! 4) My friend's mother-in-law is coming to stay with him for a week. He spent today clearing out half of his closet so she would have a place to hang upside down and sleep.  5) Last week, during a routine cleanup, park crews discovered a cannon from the Revolutionary War that was still loaded. Old, loaded and ready to go — just like me before the karaoke show......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 28th: Chew the cud with some friends today. Their inane chatter may amuse you. The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks a lot like your ex-mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Eliphalet Remington, gun manufacturer 1793, Edith Head, fashion designer 1897, Evelyn Waugh, novelist 1903, Jonas Salk, American physician, microbiologist, creator of the Salk vaccine for polio 1914, Dennis Franz, actor 1944, Bill Gates, computer industry pioneer 1955, Julia Roberts, actress 1967, Brad Paisley, singer, songwriter 1972, Joaquin Phoenix, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border called his buddy in Arkansas and said that since early that morning the snow had been coming down. He said it was nearly waist high and is still falling.

He told his friend, "The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. My wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare." He said that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. The agent said, "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

The rancher said, "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board."

The rancher continued, "Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

The agent said, "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one. The rancher said, "That would be me."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Republican was campaigning across the South and his travels took him to a rural area in the Smokey Mountains which was not known to be Republican.

He stopped by a farm to do some campaigning and when the farmer learned that he was a Republican, his jaw dropped and he said, "Wait right here 'til I go get Ma. She's never seen a Republican before."

While waiting on the farmer to return, the candidate looked around to find a podium to make his speech. The only thing he could find was a large pile of manure. The farmer returned with his wife and the candidate climbed up on the mound and made his speech.

When he finished, the farmer said, "You know, that's the first time I ever heard a Republican make a speech." The candidate replied, "Well, that's the first time I ever made a Republican speech from a Democratic platform."

Two good ole boys from Louisiana decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history and logic. The guy asked, "What's logic?"

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" The guy answered, "I sure do." The professor said, "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard." The guy said, "That's pretty good!"

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the guy said, "Amazing!"

The professor went on, "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." The guy says, "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The Louisiana boy was catching on.

The professor said, "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual." The guy said, "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

Proud of the new world opening up to him, the guy walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. His friend said, "So what classes are ya takin'?" The guy said, "Math, history, and logic!"

His friend asked, "What in tarnation is logic?" The guy said, "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" His friend replied, "No." The guy said, "You're queer, ain't ya?"

That's it for today, my little pumpkins. Remember, a good discussion is like a miniskirt. Short enough to maintain interest and long enough to cover the subject. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour

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Monday, October 26, 2015

Attacked? Don't Call A Cop, Call Quentin Tarantino

Director Quentin Tarantino joined demonstrators in a a march against police brutality in New York, four days after a black NYPD officer was fatally shot. If I was a cop, I wouldn't respond to any call for help for fear of being shot or losing my job.

NYPD officer Randolph Holder was shot in the head while chasing an armed suspect. Holder was shot to death in the city's East Harlem neighborhood while pursuing a bicycle thief. A suspect has been charged with murder and robbery in the case.

The head of the New York Police Department's union has called for a boycott of Quentin Tarantino's films after the director took part in an anti-police protest Saturday, four days after one of New York's Finest was murdered by a suspect he was pursuing.

Patrick Lynch, president of the Patrolman's Benevolent Association, said Sunday in response to Tarantino, "It’s no surprise that someone who makes a living glorifying crime and violence is a cop-hater, too. The police officers that Quentin Tarantino calls ‘murderers’ aren’t living in one of his depraved big-screen fantasies — they’re risking and sometimes sacrificing their lives to protect communities from real crime and mayhem."

Tarantino, films includes the notoriously violent films "Reservoir Dogs", "Pulp Fiction", and "Django Unchained".

The News As I See It: The New York Mets are on their way to the World Series. They're saying they're going to be the most expensive tickets in baseball history. The average price for a scalped ticket to the Mets game is $1,700. This means the only people who can afford to go to a Mets game are Derek Jeter and A-Rod.

This Date In History: 1774; The First Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia. 1825; The Erie Canal, connecting Lake Erie to the Hudson River, opened. 1881; Wyatt Earp, his two brothers, and Doc Holliday were involved in the gunfight at the O.K. Corral in Tombstone, Arizona.

1975; Anwar Sadat became the first Egyptian president to pay an official visit to the United States. 1979; South Korean president Park Chung Hee was killed by the head of the Korean Central Intelligence Agency.

1994; Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin of Israel and Prime Minister Abdel Salam Majali of Jordan signed a peace treaty in a ceremony attended by President Clinton.

2002; Russian government forces stormed the Moscow theater held by Chechen rebels. More than 100 hostages were killed. 2005; The Chicago White Sox sweep the Houston Astros to win their first World Series in 88 years.

Picture Of The Day: She told America that Benghazi was caused by an anti-Mohammed video. She told her family that the attack was by terrorists. She, Susan Rice and Barrack Hussein Obama knew the attack was planed and carried out by terrorists. They propagated this lie four almost three weeks.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm going to name my next cat, "Mandu". 2) To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 3) As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. 4) Saying it's McDonald's fault because your kids are fat is like saying it's Hooter's fault because your husband likes big tits 5) The city of Chicago got started when a bunch of people in New York said, "You know, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 26th: Loving care is something that people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is a good hard drink. A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you wonder whether you're as committed as you ought to be. My neck is already hurting.

Birthdays: Domenico Scarlatti, composer 1685, Beryl Markham, aviator 1902, Mahalia Jackson, American gospel singer 1911, Francois Mitterrand,  political leader, president of France 1916, Bob Hoskins, actor 1942, Pat Conroy, writer 1945, Hillary Rodham Clinton, lawyer, political figure and liar (redundant) 1947, Keith Urban, singer 1967, Jon Heder, actor 1977, Sasha Cohen figure skater 1984.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself. He says, "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine replies, "No, thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." The man says, "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine says, "No, they spread."

There's a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are very interesting. Thirty percent of the women feel that their ass is too fat. Ten percent of the women feel that their ass is too skinny.

The remaining sixty percent say they don't care. They love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."

The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy replied, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, the best thing about telepathy is....."  I know, right?

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, October 23, 2015

Lookin' Good

Women go through quite a bit to look good. Most men want to look good as well, but there aren't many willing to go through arduous preparations. While a woman is never satisfied with her look, most men are content with "close enough".

It begins simple enough. Both sexes shower and shave, but that's when things become complicated. The next step for a man is to comb his hair, splash on some cologne and get dressed.

A woman, on the other hand begins the transformation from moth to butterfly. A timely task indeed. The man, well aware of the transformation time frame, turns on the television and waits.

The dressing process begins with the woman searching through a usually ample wardrobe only to come to the conclusion that she has "nothing to wear". This usually an omen of future shopping sprees.

Shoes are usually the most difficult decision for women, although they normally have a plethora of choices. They usually pick the pair the hurt the most, but look great.

Man's choices are easier. Black, brown, khaki pants or jeans combined with a choice of 7-10 shirts. Black, brown shoes or sneakers. Alas, some men opt for shorts, a pullover and sneakers.

Yep, I love the way women transform themselves, but I'm happy with my limited choices. After all, there's only so much than a man can do to keep a '53 Chevy looking good......

The News As I See It: After a lot of speculation, Vice President Joe Biden announced that he is not running for president of the United States. He made the announcement from the Rose Garden at the White House. It's weird to hold a press conference to say you're not doing something. It's like announcing to your girlfriend that you won't be proposing.

Yep, Biden announced he is not running for president and, as promised, Hillary Clinton immediately released his dog. Bernie Sanders praised Joe Biden’s decision not to run. Sanders said, "There’s only room for one goofy old dude."

The University of Louisville is being accused of luring basketball recruits to the school with strippers and prostitutes. To be fair, college ball is supposed to prepare them for life in the NBA.

This Date In History: 1915; 25,000 women marched in New York City, demanding the right to vote. 1946; The United Nations General Assembly convened in New York for the first time.

1973; President Richard Nixon agreed to turn White House tape recordings requested by the Watergate special prosecutor over to Judge John J. Sirica. 1983; A suicide truck-bombing at Beirut International airport in Lebanon killed 241 U.S. Marines and sailors.

2002; Chechen rebels seized a crowded Moscow theater, taking hundreds hostage. Russian forces stormed the building the next day. 2003 Madame Chiang Kai-shek died at age 105.

Picture Of The Day: And the beat goes on.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at the AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill. 2) I shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section. 3) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 4) Negligent (adj.), is a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.  5) Every time I walk into AREA 51 for happy hour, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 23rd: The road to success will be free of traffic today, assuming you remembered your drivers license and proof of insurance. Don't stray into unfamiliar waters unless you are wearing a life vest. Chances of romance are 42 percent, but you may get lucky anyway. Did you know that 42 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

Birthdays: Adlai Ewing Stevenson, Vice President 1835, John Heisman,  football coach 1869, William D. Coolidge, inventor 1873, Gertrude Ederle, swimmer 1905, Johnny Carson, entertainer 1925, Pelé, Brazilian soccer player 1940, Michael Crichton, novelist 1942, Ang Lee, director, writer 1954, Dwight Yoakam, singer and actor 1956, Sam Raimi ,filmmaker 1959, Ryan Reynolds, actor 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring.

As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse."

The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."

The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in yelling, "Wait!"

The priest says, "What’s wrong?!" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Sister Nancy sticks her ass in it."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe." He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal "short arm" inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

An attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." The attorney began complaining and insulting the nurse, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out! He continues cursing at the nurse as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room and says "What's going on here?" The attorney snottily answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

That's it for today, my little jitterbugs. Remember, there's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Back To The Future II - A Reality Check

Back to the Future Part II, the sequel of the Back to the Future trilogy, found Marty McFly and Doc Brown zipping 30 years into the future to save Marty's son from getting arrested. Reality and the movie version aren't quite the same.

If your mind's a bit rusty, Marty (Michael J. Fox) inadvertently sets in motion a chain of time-travel ripples that brings him back to a terrible, dystopian 1985. But there’s nothing especially nightmarish about the movie’s vision of 2015, which is a shiny, exciting world of hoverboards, flying cars and ’80s future-chic.

While I find the movie version entertaining, the reality of 2015 finds a memorial to the victims of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Moreover, 2015 realities include an inept President Obama and Congress, ISIS Muslim terrorists, total disregard for the care of armed forces veterans, unrest and riots from black thugs and total disregard and respect for the police.

As for today, I'm going to forget our decaying society and watch Back To The Future II......

The News As I See It: Jeb Bush’s campaign has a contest now where someone will be flown to Houston to meet him, his dad, and his brother. No word on what the winner gets.

While accepting the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, Eddie Murphy did a Bill Cosby impression. Murphy’s Cosby impression was so accurate, nine women are suing him.

Donald Trump is now saying that his immigration policies would have prevented 9/11. Trump is also claiming his hair would have kept the Titanic afloat.

A high school student hacked the AOL email account of John Brennan, the director of the CIA. In other words, the student correctly guessed that the password of anyone still using AOL is "password."

Oprah Winfrey is buying a 10 percent stake in Weight Watchers. Oprah’s financial advisor asked her if she wanted to buy a large stake and Oprah said, "Oh, yeah!"

Volkswagen may be forced to buy back all the cars that failed to properly pass their emissions tests. Volkswagen officials say that’s fine — because they plan to resell them as rock concert smoke machines.

Joe Biden finally announced that he would not be running for the Democratic nomination for president. He milked it as long as he could, but finally gave up the ghost today. I wanted Biden to run if for nothing more than his continual grabs and gaffes. I guess it's going to be between the Liar and the Old Socialist.

This Date In History: 1797; The navy frigate U.S. Constitution, known as "Old Ironsides," was launched in Boston Harbor. 1805; Admiral Horatio Nelson died in the Battle of Trafalgar.

1837; Seminole chief Osceola was captured as he carried a white flag of truce during the Second Seminole War. 1879; Thomas Edison invented a workable incandescent electric lamp.

1959; The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum of modern and contemporary art, designed by architect Frank Lloyd Wright, opened to the public in New York City.

Picture Of The Day: Following the adventures of "Clock Boy"Ahmed Mohamed, the family released a statement saying they had accepted a foundation's offer to pay for his high school and college in Doha, Qatar.

He recently visited the country as part of a whirlwind month that included an invited Monday stop at the White House to meet Obama and an appearance Tuesday at the U.S. Capitol. I wonder what he'll be studying?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's said that mother's milk is a perfect formula for the child and provides immunity against several diseases. Personally, I like the cute containers that it comes in. 2) Map Quest really needs to start their directions on number 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 3) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas. 4) I went to the National Schizophrenic Convention. Anybody who's everybody was there. 5) Kim Kardashian is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Kim's maximum capacity is 500 members.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 21st: The odds are that you'll see someone today that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice and payback is hell.

Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza. If you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.

Birthdays: Samuel Taylor Coleridge,  poet 1772, Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist and inventor 1833, Dizzy Gillespie, musician 1917, Celia Cruz, singer 1925, Ursula K. Le Guin, writer 1929, Benjamin Netanyahu,  Israeli political leader 1949, Carrie Fisher, actress 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Thousands of illegal immigrants continue to rally across the country, demanding a path to citizenship. Don't they understand that we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.

A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better.

As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

A Dublin student was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. The student, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car. He closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. He looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. Paralyzed with terror, he watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, the student saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. Gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran towards the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened and two people walked in from the stormy night. They, like the student, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, they saw the frightened student gulping a pint of ale at the bar. One said to the other, "Look Paddy, there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

That's it for today, my little roadrunners. Remember, as you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !