Saturday, May 27, 2017

Remember The Troops !

Remember the wounded and fallen soldiers, both past and present, of the Armed Forces this Memorial Day weekend. Moreover, remember the wounded warriors that continue to wait medical attention by the corrupt VA hospitals.

The News As I See It: Trump released his new budget proposal and Bernie Sanders said his cuts to Medicaid are "just cruel." But Bernie will get his medicine the same way as always: finding an old pill in his suit pocket.

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.

This Date In History: 1521; Martin Luther's writings were banned by the Edict of Worms. 1868;  President Andrew Johnson avoided conviction for impeachment charges of "high crimes and misdemeanors" by one vote. 1940; Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II.

1858; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.1940 Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II. 1958; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.

1977; George Willig, "the human fly," scaled the World Trade Center in New York City by attaching himself to the window washer mechanism and walking straight up until falling into police custody when he reached the top. It took Willig three and a half hours to make the climb, and $1.10 in fines—a penny per floor. 1978; The first legal casino to be operated in the United States outside of Nevada was opened in Atlantic City.

Picture Of The Day: This weekend is not just for barbecues.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl. 2) 12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower. 3) When something at the hardware store says it's universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have. 4) Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes and it's barely toasted. Ten seconds more and it's burned beyond recognition. 5) Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 26th: Everything will suddenly sound good to you today. This may be due to an Ophthalmology  appointment you had earlier in the week. Then, again, it may just be because you've won a large amount of money and people want to shower you with platitudes. Speaking of which, you do look amazing today! All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to do in public again".

Birthdays: Washington Augustus Roebling. engineer 1836, Isadora Duncan, dancer 1878, Al Jolson, actor, singer  1886, Dorothea Lange, photographer 1895, John Wayne, actor 1907, Miles Davis, musician 1926, Stevie Nicks,singer 1948, Sally K. Ride, American astronaut 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat", agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage. She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next.

Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to the vet.

The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." She asked, "Do you think that will work?" The vet replied, "It just worked for me!"

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy....." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat and then Daddy....."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing and laying down on the seat. Then Little Johnny says, ".....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A blond wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

Startled the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

The blond, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."

That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, one of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, May 19, 2017

The Flying Kamikaze Cockroach

You don't like spiders and snakes? I'm not afraid of snakes and walking into huge spider webs has only helped me create karate moves that have never been seen. But you've never lived until you've had a flying cockroach land on you, especially with witnesses.

The flying cockroach theorem dictates that, in a room of 100 people, the B-52 flying cockroach will always land on you, wherein, 1) panic will ensue and 2) you will swing and flay at the marauder, injuring not only yourself, but surrounding family members, spouses and friends, as well (not necessarily in that order).

Among the cockroaches that frequently invade houses, palmetto bugs are the largest. These reddish brown cockroaches can grow as long as 1.5 inches or more. Both males and females have wings. The size of the attacking insect varies according to the victim's description of the incident.

My cats aren't much help when the occasional cockroach appears. Possum was probably the best as he enjoyed toying with the pest until it gave up and died. Samantha is totally indifferent to them and Scooter is a big chicken and runs when he sees one.

The worst scenario is when you spot a cockroach and as you look for weapon to eradicate it, you look up and it's gone. Now you're forced to search the premises until you find and kill it. The only other option is to sit in your recliner, bedroom slipper at the ready and hope that it dies of boredom or old age.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is forming a group called Onward Together, a political organization that is anti-Trump. Experts are calling it bold, ambitious and six months too late.

Blue Cross is partnering with Lyft to give people rides to the doctor. It costs $600 and the drivers are specially trained, It’s just like an ambulance.

American Airline says it’s getting rid of seat-back TV screens, because most people bring a device with them. United Airlines is doing the same thing on their flights, because most people just watch the live entertainment.

Two People in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed.

This Date In History: 1536; Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII, was beheaded. 1588;The 130-ship-strong Spanish Armada set sail for England. It was defeated in August. 1643The colonies of Massachusetts Bay, Plymouth, Connecticut, and New Harbor met to form the New England Confederation.

1921Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, establishing national quotas for immigrants. 1928;The first annual Calaveras County "Frog Jumping Jubilee" was held in Angel's Camp, California. 1935British author and soldier, T. E. Lawrence, also known as "Lawrence of Arabia," died from injuries sustained in a motorcycle crash.

1962Marilyn Monroe sang "Happy Birthday" to president John F. Kennedy. 1992The 27th Amendment to the Constitution, which prohibited Congress from giving itself midterm pay raises, went into effect. 1994Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York.

Picture Of The Day: Another great picture by my pal, Julia

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I amaze myself with smart things I do and say. Other times, I try to get out of my car with the seat belt still connected. 2)  My kid once asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote, had him sit next to the TV and change channels by hand. 3) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally heats coffee and cooks stuff. 4) Dyslexic postcard: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 3 5) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 19th: Everything you feel about yourself will be confirmed today as you're put through the mill and emerge victorious. Your love life may change this week as everything comes out in the open.

On another note, raisins are a lovely dried up fruit. However, the old man who runs the hairdressers down the road, is not.

Birthdays: Johns Hopkins, financier and philanthropist 1795,Nancy Astor, politician 1879Lorraine Hansberry, playwright 1939,Nora Ephron, screenwriter, director 1841Pete Townshend, musician; composer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: My father walked six miles a day, barefoot through snow, uphill both ways, to get to school. At least that's what he told me the first time I complained about walking a half mile to school.

Years later, my friend, who had recently undergone a colonoscopy, was telling Dad about the pain and pressure that he felt while the camera was in "Neverland". Dad told him, "Camera?Back in the day, my colonoscopy was done by a sketch artist."

A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

He asked the old man, "Do you think you could give me some tips?" The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old man replied, "Sure will."

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. The young man exclaimed. "That's terrific! Got any more tips for me?" The old man said, "Yep, cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old-timer said, "You bet it will," The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player. The cowboy said,  "Wow, I'm learning something here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. The old-timer said, "No, I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up."

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. They said, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. They said, "Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The couple replied, "It doesn't really matter as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

That's it for today, my little tootsie rolls. Remember, if you tip the world over on its side, anything and everything that's illegal, loose or useless will land in Los Angeles. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, May 12, 2017

Remembering Mom On Mother's Day

Mom always allowed we kids a bit of leeway in life. Patience was her virtue. Sister Jeanne was never a problem, but, if I were Mom, I'd have dropped Brother Kirt and I off at an orphanage. Mom persisted, we survived and life continued on.

Sunday is Mother's Day and I find myself reminiscing about picayune squabbling amongst we kids but Mom always turned a deaf ear to these little quarrels...unless it got out of hand.

Mom always had a pine switch nearby and would occasionally use it to show when she meant business. If that didn't work, all she had to say was the dreaded, "Wait until your father gets home." Once Mom told Dad of our bad behavior, the belt came off and we got a whipping.

The best way to stay on the good side of Mom and Dad was to use the obligatory, "Yes sir, no ma'am, please and thank you."  Other than that, life was good.

There were no public displays of anger, fighting or screaming because Mom would quickly cuff us good right there in front of God and everybody.

Entering any establishment, I was instructed to hold onto Mom's dress and hold my brother's hand. He, in turn, would hold my sister's hand. The other instruction was not to touch anything.

Mom and Dad have passed on, yet they live in my heart. I wouldn't have traded my life for anything. Happy Mother's Day to all the lovely caring Mothers everywhere.

The News As I See It: North Korea reported that there was a U.S.-sponsored plot launched against Kim Jong Un. Apparently two CIA agents tried to sneak up on Kim and give him a man’s haircut.

Former President Bill Clinton is collaborating on a novel about a U.S. president who goes missing. Clinton is describing the novel as "part fiction, part alibi."

According to a new reportSenator Bernie Sanders’s wife Jane Sanders is being investigated by the FBI for alleged bank fraud. Even worse, Bernie is being investigated by his local deli for alleged Splenda theft.

This day in 1960, the FDA approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means.

This Date In History: 1870; Manitoba became a province of Canada. 1932The body of Charles and Anne Lindbergh's kidnapped baby was found. 1937Britain’s King George VI was crowned at Westminster Abbey in London.

1943; Axis forces in North Africa surrendered. 1849The Soviet blockade that prompted the Berlin airlift was ended. 1970Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks, swatted his 500th home run. 2002Former president Jimmy Carter became the first U.S. president (in or out of office) to visit Fidel Castro's Cuba.

2008;Tens of thousands killed and thousands injured when a 7.9 magnitude earthquake strikes Sichuan, Gansu, and Yunnan Provinces in western China. 2012;The 2012 World Expo began in Yeosu, South Korea.

Picture Of The Day: It turns out Congresswoman Maxine Waters is not crazy or insane. She's just from another galaxy.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As the horse fell to the barn floor, he quickly pressed his Life Alert, "Help...I've fallen and I can't giddyup !" 2) To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone. 3) I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

4) Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary? Now you're going 80 mph, putting salsa on your taco, while driving with your knees. 5) I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say, "I don't know, do you think I look fat?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 12th: You may be better off taking charge of your own laundry today for reasons that the stars do not make clear. The tension between you and a co-worker may ease today as you suddenly realize you both have a common dislike of your ex-mothers-in-law. Participants at your naked twister parties should at least be made to take off their shoes.

Birthdays: Florence Nightingale, English nurse 1810Henry Cabot Lodge, U.S. Senator 1850Katharine Hepburn, actress 1907Dorothy Crowfoot Hodgkin, chemist, Nobel laureate 1910,Yogi Berra, baseball player 1925Burt Bacharach, composer 1929,George Carlin, comedian 1937Emilio Estevez, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The surgeon said, "You'll be fine," after finishing the blond woman's surgery. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"

The surgeon paused and his face reddened. The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Two guys are sitting in a boat on a lake, fishing and drinking beer, when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. She admonished, "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A wise ass at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'll have to write the exam with your other hand."

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.

She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." To that, the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"

That's it for today, my little tacos. Remember, the human brain starts working the moment you're born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, May 5, 2017

The Alabama Gang At Sunday's Talladega 500

The Nascar Talladega 500 is Sunday and so is my birthday. Brother Kirt and Sister Jeanne sent a much appreciated gift. So, pizza and beer to go with the race and I'm a happy camper. I've known the above champion racers more than 50 years.

The adventure began as a kid watching stock car racing at Hialeah, Medley, Hollywood and West Palm Beach speedways. Later on, we kids became more and more involved with the sport, The featured picture is (from left to right) Nascar Champions and race winners Bobby Allison, brother Donnie Allison and Red Farmer.

Our group of former bike racers produced driving champions Gary Balough, Skip Gibson, Billy Barnwell, Teddy Barnwell, Randy Barnwell, Pete Rintell, Danny Maddox and more. I, myself, drove a couple of times but the discovery of wine, women and song soon ended any thoughts of a racing career.

So Sunday will be a relaxing day watching the exciting Talladega 500 on a 2.66 high bank oval with speeds approaching 200 miles per hour. The sentimental favorite has to be Dale Earnhardt Jr., son of seven time champion Dale Earnhardt Sr, who died in 2001 in a crash at Daytona International Speedway on the last lap of the race.

The News As I See It: An Australian family managed to save the life of a lizard they found at the bottom of their pool by performing CPR on it. Can you imagine putting your lips on a lizard? Then Bill Clinton said, "Yeah, I can." That family revived the lizard by performing CPR for 30 minutes. I give up looking for the TV remote after 25 seconds.

American Airlines announced that they plan on cutting leg room in economy class, while United Airlines announced they’ll be cutting legs. "We are coming down with the beverage cart! Get your legs out of the aisle!"

This Date In History: 1809Mary Kies of South Killingly, Conn., became the first woman to be granted a patent. The patent was for the rights to a technique for weaving straw with silk and thread. 1821; Napoleon Bonaparte died on the island of St. Helena.

18911891 Carnegie Hall (then known as Music Hall) opened in New York City. Peter Tchaikovsky was the guest conductor. 1925John Scopes was arrested in Tennessee for teaching Darwinism.

1961; Alan Shepard became the first American in space. 1981; Bobby Sands of the Irish Republican Army died in a prison hospital on the 66th day of his hunger strike  2004; Pablo Picasso's "Boy with a Pipe" became the most expensive painting ever sold.

Picture Of The Day: ThDale Earnhardt Jr.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 75% of parenting is repeating the same set of instructions over and over using a different kid's name. 2) Every time my girlfriend wakes me up to tell me I'm snoring, we end up having sex. I'm beginning to question whether or not I snore. 3) Just when I think I have my absent mindedness and feeble mind together, I find my missing shoe in the microwave. 4) Never underestimate the power of positive thinking and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around. 5) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 5th: The legend of baked beans may trouble you as last night's meal begins to catch up to you today. Avoid crowded elevators and other close places where an accidental cough or sneeze may cause people to shun you and otherwise create mass panic.

Birthdays: Soren Kierkegaard, philosopher and religious thinker 1813Nellie Bly, journalist 1867Tyrone Power, actor 1914, Arthur L Schawlow, physicist 1921, Tammy Wynette, country singer 1942, Adele, singer 1988.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

The angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad," said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

The angel said, "They don't like that in heaven" The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Walmart either!"

As I was getting into bed, she said, "You’re drunk". I said, "How do you know?" She said, "You live next door."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray that read, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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