Friday, November 29, 2013

Looking Forward To Recovery Weekend

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house and we had an enormous feast. Then I took their land and put them on a reservation.

I have used history and its' acceptance to my benefit many times. I find it works very well and to my benefit. In fact that's how I got my house. I was driving down the street and discovered an empty house. So I planted my flag and claimed it.

The residents were quite taken aback when I proclaimed myself governor, but their children joined my alliance when I freed them from their parent's slavery. That worked well until the children moved to Detroit and Chicago.

The kids in Detroit did nothing but depend on other parents for their food, shelter and clothing, so all the parents moved to the suburbs and left no forwarding address.

The Chicago story is even worse. Some Yoyo backed into the Senate election and went on to rule the country because all the kids came down with "American Idol" syndrome and based their votes on popularity instead of ability. Now the whole country is in a big mess.

Next year, I'm going to Canada for Thanksgiving and incorporate  their theory. Thanksgiving Day in Canada has been a holiday on the second Monday of October since 1957. It is a chance for people to give thanks for a good harvest and other fortunes in the past year. This year they gave thanks that Obama was the president of the United States and not Canada.....

The News As I See It: Thanksgiving was the best this year. Things were going great, having a lot of fun, the house was full of people, everybody getting along and then I realized that I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.

I love Thanksgiving. It's that's special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to take one last look at their old cellphones before they buy the new ones on Black Friday.

Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions. If you're married, it's located in your wife's brain.

Advertising For A New Gym: Butt weight. There's more!

This Date In History: 1520; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean. 1919; American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament.

1942; Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston. 1943; Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II.

1964; The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched—on its way to the first successful mission to Mars. 1990; Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain; John Major took over.

Picture Of The Day: Thanksgiving 2013 is now a memory. Here's hoping that next year, the nation will have more to give thanks for.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) (Big Toe): "Hey, he just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?" (Brain): "Wait 2 seconds....." 2) Vegans with children named "Hunter" are why I lie awake at night. 3) A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon. 4) (Clerk): "May I take your order?" ( Me): "Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke." (Clerk:) "Sir, This is Wallgreens" (Me): "OK, make it a bottle of Xanax and some Pringles...." 5) My uncle is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters......and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius - November 28th: Fun times lie ahead but be wary of those who offer you exceptionally romantic fun via emails. You may find that some messages you see today will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money. Pressure will exert itself this week and cause problems with your love life especially if you reply to those 1-900 numbers. 

Birthdays: Eliza Lucas Pinckney, horticulturist 1722, Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States 1856, Earl "Fatha" Hines, jazz pianist 1903, Stan Lee, writer, editor 1922, Simon Raven ,writer 1927, Manuel Puig, novelist 1932, Maggie Smith, actress 1934, Denzel Washington. actor 1954, Ray Bourque, hockey player 1960, Linus Torvalds, computer scientist 1969, John Legend, singer, songwriter, pianist 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box and says to the priest. "Father O’Malley, my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."

The priest says,"My good man, I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" Mr. Cohen says, "Are you kidding me? At my age, I’m telling everybody!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple was shopping at the mall on Black Friday and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him were he was.

In a calm voice, her husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store. He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man. The drunk muttered. "Well, I'll be dammed" and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has it."

That's it for today, my little mall rats. Remember ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." I'll be in AREA 51 tonight for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving !

They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a carved pumpkin in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving Day to start with the Christmas stuff. The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

MSNBC anchor Martin Bashir made extremely crude and gross comment last week about Sarah Palin. He apologized for his remarks last week calling them "wholly unacceptable." Bashir, whose parents are Pakistani, needs to learn some manners. MSNBC has always been a loser and their parent company NBC isn't any better.

Well Marty, that may be the way it's done in Pakistan, but white people don't put up with remarks like that, especially from camel jockeys who have been walking in dirt for 2,000 years.

The News As I See It: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. Now’s the time to call all your family and apologize to them in advance for all the things you’re going to say to them when you get drunk.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. Coincidence?

April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims ( I apologize for that one).

What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky (Don't bother, I'll show myself out).

In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. In fact, today, five turkeys from the United States showed up at the Moscow airport seeking asylum.

The traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 and soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.

When Obama was in Los Angeles, he visited the DreamWorks Studios. Don't confuse DreamWorks with Obamacare — that was a dream that didn't work.

This Date In History: 1520; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean. 1919; American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament.

1942; Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston. 1943; Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II.

1964; The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched on its way to the first successful mission to Mars. 1990 Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain; John Major took over.

Picture Of The Day: A vision of beauty.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken. 2) Then I said "No officer, I’m not slurring my speech. I’m speaking in cursive." 3) I was winning a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Apparently, Fiji was the correct answer. 4) My new answering machine recording: Hello telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 40 minute flute solo. 5) The hardest part of potty training my puppy is taking a dump outside with him so he can learn. The neighbors taking pictures don't help either.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius - November 27th: Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is always fair game. Enjoy yourself today and especially tomorrow. Try not to go overboard with the Wild Turkey. 

Birthdays: My Friend Olivia - Happy Birthday! 19XX, John Bunyan author 1628, Friedrich Engels socialist 1820, Anton Rubinstein pianist, composer 1829, John Wesley Hyatt inventor 1837, Henry Bacon architect 1866, Berry Gordy, Jr. record company founder and executive 1929, Randy Newman singer, composer 1943, Ed Harris actor 1950, Jon Stewart TV personality 1962

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss" and taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Th Head Gardner at the White House was fired. after 28 years of service. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service. In an interview outside the back gate of the White House, the elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing

.He said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week.. I yelled out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?" and the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." The turkey replied, "Forget the bonus. All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

That's it for today, my little turkey basters. Remember, it's hard to be sure you've succeeded if you can't remember what you were trying to do. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Day and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, November 25, 2013

Random Thoughts

I'd like to preface today's post with the fact that all politicians are self absorbed, self-promoting, liars and thieves, beginning with Obama and trickling down to every city, town and municipality in America.

The new agreement between America and Iran has most of our allies up in arms. Obama says it's good for America. He also said that "if you like your health care plan, you can keep your health care plan....period.

The newest thug crime spree is called "knockout" where a group of goons sneak up behind an unsuspecting person, knock them out with one punch, then post the video on the Internet. Hopefully, someone, who happens to be armed, witnesses the crime and shoots the perpetrator(s) between the eyes.

The current problems with Obamacare are beginning to affect young people who blindly voted for the "chosen one". I relish their suffering with the hope that their future votes will be based on facts and less on an "American Idol" mentality.

The choice of television shows today has sunk so low that the networks now just put together "reality shows" with topics that make you doubt the chance of any intellect in the industry. I do make note that a successful television drama or sit-com requires good actors and writers which cost the networks money. It is so much easier to treat the viewing public like four-year-olds and give them no options.

Redistribution is simply taking from the haves and giving it to the have nots. It cannot work. Sooner or later, you run out of other people's money. We are closer than you think.....

The News As I See It: We found out how many people have signed up for Obamacare on the federal website. Out of 15 million uninsured, they signed up 26,794. To give you an idea, Wilt Chamberlain had sex with more people than that.

David Blaine performed magic for Kanye West. Blaine performed an amazing trick where he got Kanye to not talk about Kanye for eight seconds.

Thieves have stolen a half a million dollars' worth of Red Bull. They're described as armed, dangerous and ready to go.

This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and Indian Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War.

1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839; were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams.

1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten." 1986; Iran-Contra scandal broke. 1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II.

1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.

Picture Of The Day: We are but a mere speck in life. Some things just help us visualize this.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not saying it's been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces. 2) (Me): "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" (Officer): "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."  3) I'm at my most brilliant when the door says "pull" and I don't believe it. 4) I'll bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace. 5) The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost.".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius November 25th- : The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, it is unlikely that you will achieve it. I would estimate that at least half of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Don't be concerned, the same thing happens to me, too.

Birthdays: My friends Denis and Todd - Happy Birthday 19XX, Félix Lope de Vega Carpio, dramatic poet 1562, Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropost 1835, Carry Moore Nation, temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII, religious leader 1881, Virgil Thomson, composer 1896, Ba Jin, modern novelist 1904, Joe DiMaggio, American Baseball Player 1914, Ricardo Montalban, actor 1920, John Larroquette, actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr. publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant, pop musician 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman’s head.

The old woman says, "Yech! Get some toilet paper." The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

The farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a minute he stops and says, "Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

That's it for today, my little doodlebugs. Remember, the difference between a water bottle and puberty is that a water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 22, 2013

November 22, 1963

I was 18 years old, content that I had a job (minimum wage $4.25 hr). I was working in shipping at a plastics factory when a PA announcement notified us that the President had been shot in Dallas. The floor was abuzz and about an hour later, the PA system announced that President Kennedy had died. We were sent home (with pay).

I wasn't very educated about politics in those days. I became more interested in my senior year in high school, when Miami teemed with soldiers and equipment in anticipation and preparation for war during the Cuban Missile crisis.

I arrived home and immediately turned to the television for news on the assassination. My only political affiliation at the time was Democratic and that was only because my parents were registered Democrats. I guess it kinda works the same way with religion.

My mind wanders a bit as to the date of the national funeral but I distinctly remember watching it as tears streamed down my cheeks. I can still see the image of the caissons, the riderless horse with the boots backward in the stirrups and little John John saluting his fallen father.

The death of a family member and Princess Diana's death and funeral were very painful, but I can't remember a sadder day in my life than when they buried John F. Kennedy.....

The News As I See It: Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and plead guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto.

Toronto's city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford's powers. They say this reduces him to a "mere figurehead" — which still sounds better than "crackhead." To make matters worse for Mayor Ford, his reality show was canceled after one airing. They are calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto.

The ratings for Al Jazeera America has now dipped even lower than Al Gore's Current TV, which it replaced. You know you're boring when Al Gore is considered more entertaining to people than what you have.

Members of the tea party gathered outside the White House to demand Obama's impeachment. Obama said he appreciated their views and he is setting up a new website where they can voice their opinion.

Obama and other Democrats have stopped using the term “Obamacare,” when referring to the new healthcare law. Now they’re calling it "The Affordable Care Act." Americans are saying, "Just let us know when you can call it 'fixed.'"

Happy Birthday to Vice President Joe Biden, who just turned 71 years old. Biden wore a party hat, carried balloons and ate cake for lunch. He was especially happy when they told him it was also his birthday.

This Date In History: 1497; Portuguese explorer Vasco de Gama became the first navigator to sail around the Cape of Good Hope in his search for a sea route to India. 1718; Edward Teach, better known as Blackbeard the pirate, was killed off the east coast of North America.

1842; Mount St. Helens in Washington state erupted. Ash fallout reached as far as 48 mi away. 1906; "S-O-S" was adopted as a distress signal at the International Radio Telegraphic Convention in Berlin.

1943; President Franklin Roosevelt, British prime minister Winston Churchill, and Chinese leader Chiang Kai-shek met in Cairo to discuss measures for defeating Japan.

1963; President John F. Kennedy was assassinated while riding in a motorcade in Dallas. 1990; Margaret Thatcher announced her resignation as prime minister of the United Kingdom.

Picture Of The Day: The most poignant picture of that fateful day literally moved me to tears.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you look in the mirror and say "pumpkin spice latte" three times, a suburban college girl, majoring in the arts, will appear and tell you everything she loves about the fall. 2) Thanks to a huge spider web I walked into today, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked. 3) (Girlfriend): "I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching porn." (Me): "No, it's just women's tennis." 4) I asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight and the pointer keeps gliding back and forth between the "H" and the "A". It's been over an hour now. 5) (Girlfriend): "Can you fix this? The hole is too big for the thing-a-ma-jig" (Me): "Hey. I know how that feels! Ha ha ha!" ** And then I regained consciousness **.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius -November 22nd : Romance is definitely in the air this month, although you may find it clouded by other emotions or possibly, smells. You will finally understand why birds suddenly appear every time your companion walks near. I'm talking sardines here, people.....!

Birthdays: Richard Neville, nobleman 1428, Robert Cavelier de La Salle, explorer 1643, Abigail Adams, First Lady, writer 1744, Thomas Cook, travel agent 1808, George Eliot, novelist 1819, André Gide, writer 1869, Charles De Gaulle, general and statesman 1890, Hoagland Carmichael, songwriter 1899, Wiley Post aviator 1899, Benjamin Britten, composer 1913, Rodney Dangerfield, comedian 1921, Geraldine Page, actress 1924, Billie Jean King, American Tennis Player 1943, Jamie Lee Curtis, actress 1958, Mark Ruffalo, actor 1967, Boris Becker, tennis player 1967, Scarlett Johansson, actress 1984.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a leak, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out."

The 75-year-old said, "Heck, that's nothing. Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a crap, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The 80-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse and at 8:30 I crap like there's no tomorrow."

One of the younger man said, "That's great, then you have no problems." The 80-year-old replied, "Yes, I do! The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, "Honey, come see what I created. It's an abstract panorama depicting the five-years of the Obama presidency!"

She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

Her husband replied, "My darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A farmer goes into town to see a vet to see if how to tell that his pigs are pregnant. The vet says that if they're standing up in the morning they're not pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud they are.

So the farmer goes home and loads all of his pigs in the back of his pick-up and takes them all out in the woods and does all of them. Then he takes them home and unloads them in their pen. Afterwards he gets tired so goes to bed.

The next morning he gets up and checks on the pigs and they're standing up, so he takes them all out in the woods and does them all twice. Then, he goes home, quickly unloads them in their pen and goes right to bed.

The next morning the farmer is so tired he can't even get out of bed, so he yells to his wife to come into his bedroom. He tells her to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are standing up or rolling in the mud. His wife replies, "Neither, they're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

That's it for today, my little Martians. Remember, they say that intelligence is the new cleavage. This may or not be true but I believe that intelligence is only head and shoulders above cleavage. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Frogs And Snails And Puppy Dog Tails

We always had animals when I was a kid. There was always the family dog, but there was a plethora of cats and chickens. The dogs had names and most of the cats as well, but after a while, we just called them by species and gender.

There was "Mama Cat", "Baby Cat" and they usual run of "Snowballs", "Blackies", "Tigers" and the like. Mama Cat had a litter about every three months and her litters were always beautiful. We kids all enjoyed the kittens.

We also had quite a few bantam chickens. "Whitey" was the mother and "Pete" was the proverbial cock-of-the-walk. Just like Mama Cat, Whitey would disappear for a day or two and sooner or later, she'd come out sporting her new family.

I don't really recall much fighting between the animals. My dog, "Beannie" was only concerned with playing with his friend "King" and getting fed, although I do remember one confrontation between Mama Cat and Beannie.

Beannie must have irritated Moma Cat because she attacked him. Beannie wasn't in the mood to be messed with and he cornered her and she was on her back in a defensive position. Beannie took his right paw and put it on her chest, holding her down.

They stared at each other for a moment, then Beannie removed his paw and walked away. He could have killed her, but I think it was just his way of letting her know that the big dog hunts and eats first. They remained friendly after that.....

Brother Kirt, myself and Beannie

A school absence note from a member of the armed forces:

November 12, 2013

My child was absent from school yesterday because of Veteran's Day. He will attend school on Veteran's Day when children go to school on Martin Luther King Day.

(Name Withheld)
Vietnam Veteran
Big Red 1 - Sgt E-5

The News As I See ItHow hard is it to get a website to work? People keep trying to sign up. Four hours later they're on the seventh level of Candy Crush. I just want liberals to know, you still have NPR, Whole Foods and gay sex, so everything is not lost.

Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we've got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there.

The New York Times is calling this Obama's Katrina. Which of course is great for George Bush. He loves this. He called up Obama today and said, "You're doing a heck of a job, brownie."

Obama is being criticized for not attending the ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama's "Sorry about this crappy website" speech.

Monday was Mickey Mouse Day. He made his debut on this date in 1928. He's 88 years old. He's gone from "It's a small world" to "It's an enlarged prostate. I like Mickey Mouse. I like the squeaky voice, the happy face, the little shorts. Wait, I'm thinking of Richard Simmons.

This Date In History: 1789; New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights. 1910; Francisco Madero began an armed revolt against the president of Mexico, Porfirio Diaz.

1945; The war crimes trials of 24 German World War II leaders began in Nuremberg, Germany. 1947; The future Queen Elizabeth II married Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Ediburgh.

1962; President John F. Kennedy agreed to lift the American blockade of Cuba, ending the Cuban missile crisis. 1975; Spain's General Francisco Franco died. 2000; Peru's president Alberto Fujimori resigned.

Picture Of The Day: This is not "Pete" but he has very similar markings. A beautiful animal.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) At the airport yesterday, a TSA worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone handled your bag?" The passenger said, "No, but she's right behind me." 2) I went to the bank this morning and after inserting my bankcard, the ATM asked, "Is it in yet?" That's not funny ATM. 3) The real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. 4) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. 5) Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, "Why does nobody reply to my emails?".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - November 20th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jurist and commissioner of baseball 1866, Norman M. Thomas, socialist leader 1884, Edwin Hubble, astronomer 1889, Alexandra Danilova, ballerina, teacher 1903, Alistair Cooke, journalist, broadcaster 1908, Robert C Byrd, Senator 1917, Nadine Gordimer, writer 1923, Robert F. Kennedy, Senator 1925, Richard Dawson, actor 1932, John Bolton, political figure 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man's wife asked him to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the store, looked around and couldn't find any.

So he grabbed an old produce employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The old produce guy looked at him and said, "No sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

The other husband said, "That's nothing. Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said, "From all of us at Fire Station 2. We'll never forget you....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Don't drink and drive during the holidays! Last year, I went out with a few friends. After several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before.

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. His new bride asked lovingly, "What is it?"

He said, "I'm a golf fanatic. I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I'm a hooker."

Her husband said, "No problem. Just widen your stance a little, overlap your grip and that should clear it right up."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, the best revenge when someone pisses you off in the grocery store is to get in front of  them in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check. My next destination is AREA 51 for happy hour. Join me if you dare.....

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !