Monday, August 31, 2015

What's In A Name?

Mt. Denali, formerly known as Mt. McKinley, is the new name of the highest mountain in America. It was done so using executive privilege by Barrack Obama, formerly known as Barry Soetero. As the native Alaskan name was the first by precedence, I have no objections.

Denali, the 20,237-foot mountain meaning "the great one" in the Athabaskan language of Alaska natives, was the original name of the mountain. But when European Americans discovered it in the 19th century, they renamed it Densmore's Mountain and, later, Mount McKinley in an effort to boost the presidential candidacy of Republican William McKinley.

But President McKinley never visited, nor did he have any significant historical connection to, the mountain or to Alaska. The name became official with the Mount McKinley National Park Act in 1917.

Univision reporter and immigration advocate Jorge Ramos continues to anger most Americans stating that "Kate's Law" is unfair to illegal aliens. As a reminder Kate's Law, first introduced to public debate by Fox News' Bill O'Reilly, would give a mandatory five years in prison to violent, deported illegal immigrants who reenter the U.S.

Kate's Law was proposed after 32-year-old Kate Steinle was killed by an illegal alien, who had been deported five times, while walking on a San Francisco pier with her father back in July.

Ramos argues Kate's Law "stereotypes an entire community" when in reality, Kate's Law simply punishes previously deported illegal aliens for reentering the United States illegally.

Kate's Law isn't unfair to illegal immigrants. What's unfair is an illegal alien taking the life of Kate Steinle after being deported multiple times from the country. Ramos slanted rhetoric continues to reinforce why most Americans want to close the border and deport illegal aliens. 

The MTV Awards was Sunday night. From what I've heard, the performances were rather good. I didn't watch it, but scanning the news reports, Miley Cyrus was half naked as usual, Nicki Minaj finally looked halfway normal and Kanye West is still an asshole. Same shit, different year.....

Nicki Minaj

The News As I See It: A nationwide survey found that when voters think of Donald Trump, the most common word that comes to mind is "Arrogant." When the same voters think of Hillary Clinton, the most common word they use is "Liar." When they think of Jeb Bush, the first word that comes to mind is "Bush." Voters don't even care enough about Jeb Bush to come up with a word to describe him.

Thousands of illegal immigrants continue to rally across the country, demanding a path to citizenship. Don't they understand that we already have a path to citizenship? Just head south to the San Diego Freeway and get in line like everyone else.

This Date In History: 1887; Thomas Edison received a patent for his "Kinetoscope," and moving pictures were born. 1888; Mary Ann Nicholls, considered to be Jack the Ripper's first victim, was found murdered in London.

1962; Trinidad and Tobago gained independence from Great Britain. 1980; Poland's Solidarity labor movement had its beginnings when an agreement ending a 17-day strike was signed in Gdansk.

1994; Russia officially ended its military presence in the former East Germany and the Baltic states. 1997; Princess Diana and her companion Dodi al-Fayed were killed in a car accident in Paris.

2012; Armenia severed diplomatic relations with Hungary, after the pardoning of Ramil Safarov. In 2004, Safarov was convicted of killing an Armenian soldier.

Picture Of The Day: Mt Denali (formerly Mt McKinley) in all its splendor.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was six years old, I played "doctor" with the girl next door. To this day, I am still a practicing physician. 2) Horseshoes usually bring good luck, but never trust a horse wearing high heels. 3) My credit is so bad that my Visa card is now sending me my bills in English and Spanish with Ebonic translations. 4) Regular naps prevent old age -- especially if you take them while driving.  5) I'm not saying that she was ugly. I'm just saying I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 31st: The weather looks good enough for a fine day assuming that you always keep an umbrella with you. Don't laugh, it worked for Mary Poppins. If you're going to happy hour, stay away from the bean dip. Chance of romance is 58 percent.

Birthdays: Georg Jensen, silversmith 1866, Wilhelmina,,queen 1880, Alan Jay Lerner, lyricist and librettist 1918, Itzhak Perlman, concert violinist 1945, Van Morrison, singer, songwriter 1945, Richard Gere, actor 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

A sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "Skipper, a special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here." The captain ordered, "Read it to me!"

The sailor began reading nervously, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy." The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

A farmer bought a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. He put the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these hens. Look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?" The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you." They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck "Go!" and the old rooster took off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and Boom! He shoots the young rooster.

He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife, "Son of a bitch! That's third gay rooster I had to shoot this week!"

That's it for today, my little pair-of-skeets. Remember, if God had really wanted us to touch our toes, he would have put them on our knees.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, August 28, 2015

Was That You?

There comes a time in one's life when coughs become an uncertain adventure. Unlike my youth when coughing was just a reflexive action unworthy of detailed consideration, today's cough can be accompanied by a plethora of other actions.

After a few of these incidents, one becomes wary of any desire to cough. As for the body's text message to the brain of pending flatulence, it is unwise to take the message at face value. But at some point, the mind finally succumbs in to the ever increasing demands of the body saying. "I give up. Do as you damn well please."

I no longer have any confidence in the body's decision to refer to the pending action as mere flatulence. This distrust comes from previous prevarications from the same source, which turned out to be false.

For some reason, the body also decides to react when one gets up up to walk to the kitchen or other destination by coordinating a series of small pharts, coinciding precisely with each step. All you need is a pair of cymbals and you become the percussion section of a marching band.

Surprise! In reference to Wednesday's post on immigration activist Jorge Ramos rude interruption during Donald Trump's press conference, it has come to my attention that Ramos daughter, Paola, works for the Hillary Clinton Campaign. Quite a co-ink-idink, huh?

The News As I See It: Donald Trump got into it with immigration activist and part-time news anchor, Jorge Ramos from Spanish language television, Univision, who made Donald upset when he jumped in front of the line to ask a question. Trump said, "Go back to Univision," and kicked him out of the place. He's not even president yet and he's already kicking Mexicans out.

Right now in the U.S. the most popular name for baby girls is Emma. The least popular names are Ashley and Madison.

It has been revealed that 100 ESPN employees were on the adultery website Ashley Madison. In other words, infidelity has finally entered the world of sports.

South Korea has agreed to stop broadcasting insulting propaganda over the North Korean border. They've also canceled their Comedy Central roast of Kim Jong Un.

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson discovered Delaware Bay. 1850; Richard Wagner's opera, Lohengrin, premiered at Weimar, Germany. 1922; The first commercial to be broadcast on radio aired on station WEAF in New York City. The ten minute advertisement for the Queensboro Realty Company cost $100.

1955; Emmett Till, a black teenager from Chicago, was abducted and by white men after he supposedly whistled at a white woman in Mississippi. The case was reopened in 2005. 1963; Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his famous "I Have a Dream" speech at the Lincoln Memorial to civil rights demonstrators.

1968; Anti-Vietnam war protesters and police clashed in the streets of Chicago while the Democratic National Convention nominated Hubert H. Humphrey for president.

1981; The Centers for Disease Control announced a medical task force had been formed to look into the incidence of Kaposi's sarcoma and pneumocystis in homosexual men. AIDS was later found to be the cause.

Picture Of The Day: When in doubt, always put on you best "innocent" face.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A young man scolded me the other day for not paying attention to his question. I apologized and asked him if he had graduated from college. He scowled and said, "I majored in liberal arts." Then, he said, "Will that be for here or to go?" 2) My friend's wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back. 3) An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person. 4) At six, I was left an orphan. What the hell is a six year old supposed to do with an orphan? 5) A friend said to me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." I said, "Really? What kind is it?" He said, "Twelve-thirty.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 28th: Write lots of letters today and you'll appreciate the finer art of stamp licking. Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Sure, it's Monday and notoriously boring but if you interject your style, maybe you can change tht stigma. On second thought, have a few beers and chill and let opportunity come to you. Chance of romance is 37 percent.

Birthdays: Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, religious leader 1774, Charles Boyer, actor 1899, Bruno Bettelheim, psychologist 1903, Roger Tory Peterson, ornithologist 1908, Robertson Davies, writer 1913, Jason Priestley, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. When she tried to take the step, she discovered that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

A touchy, liberal reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her pharts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better.

As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress." That ended the interview.....

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin' around when she hollars out, "Pa, you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."

So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollars back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, people who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones that dropped it. Depending on the weather, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Wednesday, August 26, 2015

You Can't Illegally Jump Trump's Fence Mr. Ramos

Univision reporter and immigration advocate Jorge Ramos jumped a line of reporters and began asking questions of Donald Trump. Trump told him to sit down because he had not been called to ask a question. Ramos persisted and Trump had him deported him from the venue.

Ramos claimed that he had a "right" to ask his question. No, he didn't. Ramos certainly had a "right" to wait in line with the other journalists at the event, and he might even have had a "right" to be vexed if he’d been obviously passed over.

But he certainly didn’t have a right to stand up and make a scene, nor to disrupt the proceedings for everybody else. Having a press credential in your pocket does not entitle you to behave like Code Pink.

So, just as people illegally cross the southern border daily without regard to the many people who go about applying for citizenship legally, Trump said, "Go back to Univision.

The liberal media, ABC, CBS and obviously NBC all reported that Ramos was singled out and some reporters seemed to object (citing the day when during a white house press conference, when a FOX News reoorter was snubbed.

Interestingly, ABC is owned by Disney who also owns Univision, who is being sued by Trump for breach of contract over Univision's decision not to air the Miss America pageant which Trump owns.

The News As I See It: It is rumored that the new iPhones are going to use facial recognition technology to unlock your phone. Of course, if you live in Los Angeles the iPhone will store up to six of your previous faces.

South Korea has agreed to stop broadcasting insulting propaganda over the North Korean border. They've agreed to stop doing it. They've also canceled their Comedy Central roast of Kim Jong Un.

A 108 year-old message in a bottle washed up on a beach in Europe. Actually, it wasn't a message, it was Larry King's to-do list.

This Date In History: 1847; Liberia was proclaimed an independent republic. 1920; The 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote went into effect.

1939; The first televised major league baseball game was televised: a double-header between the Brooklyn Dodgers and the Cincinnati Reds.

1974; Aviator Charles Lindbergh, the first man to fly solo, nonstop across the Atlantic, died. 1978; John Paul I became Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. He died one month later.

Picture Of The Day: A gunman shot and killed news reporter 24-year-old Alison Parker and her 27-year-old photographer Adam Ward and shot another woman in Moneta, Virginia, this morning. The shooter, Vester Lee Flanagan of Roanoke, reportedly shot himself after authorities confronted him on Interstate 66

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Have you ever wondered why they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? 2) I've been holding my stomach in for about 3 years now, so don't talk to me about dedication. 3) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been robbed and beaten yet. 4) Honk if you love Jesus and text while driving if you want to meet him.  5) I've been banned from a particular store that sells adjustable beds. I was lying on the bed when an attractive sales woman walked up and asked me what my favorite position was. I'm thinking I should have said "missionary" instead of "doggie style.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 26th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, "A man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic table." I have no idea what that means, but it's in the stars.

Birthdays: Antoine Laurent Lavoisier, chemist 1743, Peggy Guggenheim, art patron and collector 1898, Albert Sabin, physician and microbiologist 1906, Mother Teresa, Roman Catholic missionary 1910, Julio Cortázar, writer 1914, Macaulay Culkin, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: In the Olympic trials heat for the 200 meter Olympic women's breaststroke, eight women entered the race. After approximately 2 minutes and 10 seconds, the swimmer from Australia won the race. 5 seconds later, the swimmer from France was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 40 minutes later, Rose, the blonde American swimmer finally completed the race. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the breaststroke race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

Johnny's father said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh What a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny."

Then Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?" The mother said "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said "Well, that's good, 'cause he sure as hell couldn't wear glasses!!"

That's it for today, my little kittens. Remember, if you take the Ginkgo, you might be able to remember where you put the Viagra, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Monday, August 24, 2015

Be Vewy Vewy Qwiet

I'm looking forward to losing my mind. All it takes is fifteen minutes of watching the news or scanning Facebook and I realize that a lot of people have lost their minds. Fortunately, my little group and I were born crazy and we refuse to grow up.

Today's news flashes were (in no particular order): Three Americans in France beat the shit out of a terrorist asshole (You're welcome, France), the stock market dropped again after Friday's huge drop and everyone in America posted back to school pictures of their children.

Everyone is beginning to post about the 2016 political race. Now this is one of the times I wish we could erase the blackboard and start over (For the young and/or hard of understanding, I have no time or patience to explain what a blackboard and chalk is. Google it).

Today's is about over and tomorrow, I need to buy groceries. While I do need food and other supplies, the fact is that I'm out of beer and we just can't allow that to happen......

The News As I See It: In an interview last week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand."

Donald Trump had an interview with CNN in the lobby of the Trump Tower Hotel this week, and apparently someone yelled, "You'll never win the Latino vote." Then immediately, Trump had the guy deported over to La Quinta Hotel.

Google has developed image-recognition software that can accurately capture what’s happening in a photo, but it still has some bugs. It described Kim Kardashian's recent photo as "Woman being chased by two Butterball turkeys."

This Date In History: 79; Mount Vesuvius erupted and buried the towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum. 1572; 70,000 French Protestants, or Huguenots, were killed in the St. Bartholomew's Day massacre.

1814; The British set fire to the White House and the Capitol when they invaded Washington, DC during the War of 1812. 1821; Mexico gained its independence from Spain with the Treaty of Cordoba. 1949; The North Atlantic Treaty went into effect.

1968; France became the world's fifth nuclear power as it exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 1989; Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.

1991; Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the general secretary of the Communist Party after a failed coup attempt against him. 1992; Hurricane Andrew hit Florida, causing record damage.

Picture Of The Day: The seas are getting rough.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) This weekend, I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Today I'm learning how to tie my shoes with one hand. 2) I don't burn my bridges but I loosen the bolts a little each day. 3) Political correctness is a useless theorem that allows the few to endanger the many. It is only necessary when being polite to people with ugly children. 4) Marriage can now be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey. 5) If anyone is interested I'll be signing books tonight at Barnes and Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 24th: Don't trust little birdies, most of them tell lies. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.

Birthdays: William Wilberforce, politician and humanitarian 1759, Theodore Parker, theologian and social reformer 1810, Felix Mottl, conductor 1856, Jorge Luis Borges, poet and critic 1899, Steve Guttenberg, actor, producer 1958, Cal Ripken Jr, professional baseball player 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy declared, "My Father is better than your Father!" Johnny responded, "No, he's not!"

Billy said, "My brother is better than you brother!" Johnny said, "He is not! He is not!" Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!"

A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once.

A flat chested young lady went to Doctor Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Doctor Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his crotch and said, "Hickory dickory dock....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple was shopping at the mall and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him were he was.

In a calm voice, her husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store. He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today, my little piccolo players. Remember, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions!

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, August 21, 2015

My Secret Hiding Place

I have a secret hiding place. It has several $100 bills in it. I've had it for years and someday, I will remember where it is. It used to be in the inside pocket of my Armani coat, but I changed it when I sent my coat to the cleaners.

Theoretically, and in actuality, the new site was far better. It must have been, because I have no idea where it is. I changed it when I was married and that is a disturbing thought, because it may have been in the house I generously gave to my ex-wife in the divorce agreement. But, I digress.....

The bottom line is I can't find it although I assume I was wise enough to make it mobile. The computer age was in its infancy when the hiding place was created. If computers would have existed, en masse, at the time, I would have stored it in the same manner as I do my various passwords.

When I got my first computer, I used what I thought was a very clever password and everything was fine....or so I thought. Passwords are now more sophisticated, some requiring numbers and capital letters.

Even worse, many sites recommend using different passwords for different sites thus (theoretically) preventing hackers from stealing my identity and taking my $12 out of my checking account.

Now, I have different passwords for each account, all impossible to remember. So, I established a code on each contact to jog my memory as to the password. Are you with me so far?

After thinking everything over, even if I had put the location of my secret hiding place in my computer, I would have forgotten the password and thereby negated any chance of finding it. I think I'll return to square one.....

The News As I See It: The New York Times is reporting that next week the L.A. County Sheriff's Department will present evidence to prosecute Caitlyn Jenner for her role in a fatal car accident that happened in Malibu earlier this year. This is crazy. Caitlyn Jenner had nothing to do with that. Bruce Jenner is the one that was in that accident.

Starbucks just announced that its Pumpkin Spice Latte will now include real pumpkin. You'll know the drink has real pumpkin when it tastes disgusting.

The Cadillac Escalade EXT is the most popular car driven in New York. Partly because they're stylish, but mostly because New Yorkers like to have a place to stretch out when they leave their apartments.

A new study found that many types of head lice have mutated and now have become resistant to over-the-counter treatments. The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

Wednesday was Bill Clinton's birthday. Hillary sent Bill an e-birthday card and out of habit she immediately deleted it.

At the bank yesterday, I went through the little rope maze that they put up when the bank is busy. The funny thing is that there were no customers in the bank, yet I went through the maze anyway. The teller gave me my deposit receipt but neglected to give me my cheese reward.

This Date In History: 1680; Pueblo Indians drove out the Spanish and took possession of Santa Fe, N.M. 1831; Nat Turner led an insurrection of slaves in Virginia. 1858; The famous debates between Senator Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln began in Illinois.

1911; The Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre museum in France by an Italian waiter, Vicenzo Perruggia. 1940; Russian revolutionary Leon Trotsky died in Mexico City. 1945; Harry S. Truman announced the end of the Lend-Lease Program. 1959; Hawaii became the 50th state in the United States.

1983; Corazon Aquino's husband Benigno, who was Philippine president Ferdinand Marcos's chief political opponent, was assassinated. 1991; Latvia declared its independence from the Soviet Union.

Picture Of The Day: My cat Samantha doesn't need a secret hiding spot. Sometimes at night, I have to feel the bed to make sure I don't roll over on her.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) At my last checkup, my doctor suggested that a combination of wine, women and song often shortens a man's life. If that's true, I may start singing karaoke less often. 2) For the "My other car is....." people, your other car is just as unreliable as your wit. 3) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I don't remember who wrote that. 4) When I first met my future ex-mother-in-law, I could already visualize the duct tape over her mouth. 5) We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 21st: Today is an umbrella day but don't take that old one you've had for five years. Blow the dust off of your wallet and buy one at the grocery store, you tightwad. Hey, were talking ten dollars here! On the bright side, if it does rain tonight, you'll save the money you were going to spend at happy hour

Birthdays: Philip II, king of France 1165, Count Basie, jazz pianist 1904, Wilt Chamberlain, professional basketball player 1936, Archie Griffin football running back 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

The woman said, "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my balls."

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The teacher asked Catherine, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?" Catherine replied, "I would give houses to all the people who are homeless or receive welfare." The teacher said, "You'd be a perfect candidate for the democratic party."

The teacher continued, ''What a worthy goal you have there, Catherine, but you don't have to wait until you're president. You can start now by coming over to my house and cleaning up all the dog shit in my back yard and I will pay you five dollars. Then, we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy on welfare hangs out and you can give him the five dollars."

Catherine thought that over for a second and replied, "Why doesn't the homeless guy just come over and clean up the dog shit and you can pay him the five dollars?" The teacher said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

A priest visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The priest visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

The woman replied, "Not bad, I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

The priest said, "They don't like that in heaven, said God. The woman replied, "They weren't too happy about it at the supermarket, either!"

That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember, outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !